120. Listener Questions: The Attachment Questions Women Ask Me Most

Are you tired of trying to decode his behavior when the real answers might actually be about you?

In this episode of Speak Honest, Jenn Noble answers the attachment questions women ask her most inside the Speak Honest Community. These are the real ones. The ones rooted in overthinking at 2am, emotional shutdown after a beautiful weekend, and that desperate need to just be understood by someone you love. Jenn answers four listener questions with her signature warmth, zero fluff, and the kind of honesty that actually moves the needle on your healing.

You might want to listen if:

• You have been watching your ex check your stories and wondering what it actually means
• You had an amazing weekend with someone and then heard nothing for three days and completely spiraled
• You identify as disorganized attachment and cannot figure out why being misunderstood feels so unbearable
• You want to express your feelings without making your partner defensive or responsible
• You keep asking why HE does what he does instead of asking what YOU actually want

FIND OUT MORE!

• Join the Speak Honest Academy 
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DISCLAIMER:  Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health professionals for specific concerns. Client opinions do not reflect Speak Honest’s stance. We aim for accuracy but are not liable f...

Transcript

Welcome And What To Expect

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Hello, and welcome to Speak Honest. I am your host and certified relationship coach, Jennifer Noble. It has been my passion for over a decade to help women like you heal. What's been holding you back from having the relationships you deserve? Are you struggling with a relationship where you can't seem to voice your emotions, needs, and boundaries without having it blow up in your face? Then you have found the right podcast, my friend. Get ready for practical tips, empowering truths, and honest conversations. Now, let's dive in. Hello, ladies, and welcome back to another episode of Speak Honest. I'm Jen Noble, your go-to relationship coach and author of the best-selling book Dance of Attachment. And today we are talking about the attachment questions that women ask me all the time inside of the Speak Honest community. The ones rooted in overthinking, emotional shutdown, fear of being misunderstood, and trying not to feel like you're too much in relationships. Now, if you have a question that has been burning up inside of you, there are a few ways that you can ask me. First, you can head over to the Speak Honest Facebook group and you can start a post over there and ask me anything you want. Or if you would rather hear me answer your question like today on this episode, you can click on the link in the show notes that says ask Jen a question, and then you fill out the Google form. Sometimes the episodes are so great, I do a full episode just for that question. And sometimes the conversation is so deep that I need to do a full four-part series like I did recently with the somatic attachment series that we just finished up. That came from a question inside of the Academy that I wanted to dive deeper into. So anything you want to know about in regards to your relationships, communication, nervous system, or attachment, feel free to ask me anytime. Now, as you're listening to today's episode, I want you to keep an eye on where you see yourself in these questions. Do any of these questions make you lean in a little bit more and you find yourself wanting more answers? Listen to that part of yourself and see where it leads you to healing. Now let's dive in.

Avoidants Watching Social Media

SPEAKER_00 2:12

All right, I've got four questions today, so I'm just gonna dive right in. Question one asks, Jen, why do avoidant people check our social media but don't actually reach out? Wouldn't it just be easier if they just blocked us? Okay, so first thing I want you to hear is avoidant people, they still care about you. That is the number one thing you need to understand when you're sitting there watching their name pop up on your stories, wondering, why do they keep looking if they don't want to be with me? The truth is, when someone with an avoidant attachment style distances themselves, it's usually not because they don't have feelings for you. It's because the feelings for you are too much inside of them. They still feel love and care and attachment, they still feel curiosity, they just struggle with direct emotional vulnerability, which means checking your stories is the safest form of connection that they know how to do. Now, and this is important, I am not telling you this to get your hopes up. But I always hear women trying to balance out their ex's behaviors with beliefs about themselves, like, oh, he's just not that into me, or if he loved me enough, he would reach out. But all that does, truthfully, is reinforce the belief that you're not enough or you're not lovable. And that's just not the truth. You are enough. You are so lovable. But what I want you to ask yourself is why you're hanging on to someone that can't give you what you need. So I'm going to flip this question back on to you. You asked, why doesn't he just block me? Well, girl, you know where I'm going with this. Why don't you block him? If seeing his name pop up on your stories is bothering you, that's your answer right there. Because what this question really shows us is how we as anxiously attached women put the oneness, so to speak, of the relationship onto him. And then we wonder why everything happens on his timeline and we build resentment. You have so much more power here than you believe you do. So here's the short answer. Listen, he might still love you, he might still care about you, but that doesn't mean he's ever going to show up and be the man you need him to be. And that's the only thing that actually matters. All right, let's jump into question two.

When He Goes Quiet After Intimacy

SPEAKER_00 4:26

Jen, why does a man emotionally shut down right when things are getting good? We just had this beautiful weekend together, and now I haven't heard from him in three days. Oof, oh gosh. Okay, well, first off, three days, yeah, that would probably get to me too. I probably wouldn't love that either. Uh, but here's what I want you to understand about anxious and avoidant people. We experience time very differently. All right. So three days to an avoidantly attached person is more like three hours, no big deal. But three days to an anxiously attached person, that's like three weeks, maybe even sometimes three months. It can feel like an eternity. So why does he go quiet after a beautiful weekend? Because intimacy is a lot. Think of it like opening 70 tabs on your computer and then wondering why your computer slows down. He just needs to reboot a little bit. He needs to reset. This is not about you. And I want to gently push back on the framing of emotionally shut down, because that language already makes him kind of the villain in the story and you the victim. He's not necessarily shutting down. He's just taking space. He's just rebooting, he's just resetting. Men are often never taught how to have healthy intimacy, and it's really just that simple. It's not necessarily emotionally shut down, it's just him doing what he needs. So, what do we do? Well, we don't go backwards. We don't say, Why haven't you called me? We want to work towards a solution. We want to go forward, solution-oriented, not problem-oriented. So it's important to note that if three days is too long for you, that's absolutely okay. Maybe he for him, three days is no big deal. But for you, if it's a big deal, then we're gonna communicate that. That's the goal of having this relationship, is that you're allowed to say, Hey, so I noticed after a really intimate weekend, I found myself really missing you and needing to hear from you. Could we figure this out together? Maybe even just a text on Monday morning. I also want to respect that maybe you need some space after a big weekend like that. And I see that. And I'd love for us to find something that works for both of us. See how now you're working towards a future solution. You're not, you're not rehashing, you're not saying he did anything wrong. You're noticing in your body that you needed more. And you're gonna communicate that to him instead of communicating that he didn't do enough. I just want to make sure that is clear those two different feelings. But let me know uh in the Facebook group or via email if you need more information on that. Because the one thing I really do want you to hear is this. His action is not the problem, right? So his missing out on texting you for three days, that's actually not the problem in this relationship. He didn't have any clarity to know that that was a problem. It's his response to your communication about his action that might be the problem. So it's not so much that we want to base a relationship off of what somebody does, but once we communicate what somebody does to us, how it affects us, what is the response to that? Sorry, so let me say that again. His action is not the problem. It's his response to your communication about his action, right? That's what we're watching for. Not the three days, but what happens when you lovingly bring it up to him, when you compassionately communicate to him. So let's stop labeling him, first off, right? Let's stop labeling him as emotionally shut down, and let's start getting curious and let's get you more of what you need. So let's jump into question three.

Disorganized Attachment And Being Understood

SPEAKER_00 7:41

All right. Hey Jen, as somebody with a disorganized attachment, why do I have this intense need to be understood? Oh, I love this question so much. And I want to start by saying, listen, the core wound of a disorganized attached person is often exactly this. I am misunderstood. Not just unheard or unseen, but that that deep feeling of being misunderstood. And here's why. Here's an explanation. People with a disorganized attachment often carry big T trauma from childhood, right? Those are the big, big T, the A-score adverse childhood experiences types of trauma from childhood. Not necessarily the complex trauma that are those little tiny death by a thousand paper cuts type things. But here's what happens with big T trauma. That trauma almost always comes with invalidation. It comes with gaslighting. Something happening to you, and then someone saying, It's not that big a deal. Get over it. You're so sensitive. And so you learned if I can just explain myself long enough, if I can just get them to see it, then I will be safe. And for some of you, that actually worked. You overexplained and you got seen. You got heard. You were understood. And your nervous system logged this as, oh, okay, this is how I stay safe, this is how I survive. So of course, you carried that into adulthood. Of course you can't let it go. Of course, you are hell-bent on being understood because somewhere inside of you, being understood means being safe. But here's what I want you to notice, though. This was a beautiful adaptation. It protected you. And also the big question to ask you is is it still serving you? Is this need to be understood causing you to stay in conversations past their expiry date? Is this need to be understood keeping you in relationships when you should actually be leaving them? Because sometimes we're so afraid of abandonment or of being alone that we think, oh, if they could just understand me, they would change and then I would be safe. But the goal here is to get so good at understanding yourself that you don't need someone else to do it for you. You don't need him to understand you in order to be safe. You don't need him to understand you in order to be heard. That is the work. And if you want to go deeper into that, that is what we do inside of the academy. I help women learn how to understand themselves. All right. Now let's jump into question

Feelings Versus Perceptions In Conflict

SPEAKER_00 10:09

four. Our last question for this episode. Hey Jen, how can I speak on my feelings without making someone responsible for how I feel? Now, this question came from a member inside of the academy during one of our group coaching sessions, and I loved it so much I wanted to bring it here too, because this is really the key to all things communications in relationships. Here's what I want you to understand first. There is a difference between a feeling and a perception. Alright? I want you to hear that again. There's a difference between a feeling and a perception. And most of us are speaking from our perceptions without even realizing it. Now let's try this. You can say, I feel sad. That's a feeling. Sadness is a feeling. But now what if I say I feel unheard? Nope. Not a feeling. That is a perception. Because what you're actually saying when you say, I feel unheard, might sound like a feeling. You said I feel, right? I mean, that's as a feeling statement. No. I feel unheard. What are you saying? You are saying to the other person, you are not hearing me. And that just might not be the truth. The other person might be absolutely hearing you, but just something is getting mixed up in translation. So how does it feel when you think that they're not hearing you? Right? That's a big difference. And the moment that you understand this difference, it changes everything. Because if you're saying to someone, I feel unheard, then your partner's gonna get defensive. They're gonna shut down. Or they might get bigger and explode, right? And that's not the conversation anymore. That's becoming now a conflict. So we stop saying, I feel unloved, I feel disrespected, I feel unheard. Because those are all perceptions. And instead, what I want you to start saying is, I feel sad when I think you're not listening to me. I feel disappointed when I don't hear from you after three days. Right? If we go back up to that other question, that's how we would explain this. We wouldn't say, I feel disrespected because you never texted me back. No. Imagine hearing that from someone instead of saying, I just I just felt a bit disappointed because I didn't hear from you. Well, maybe we could work on that. You see the difference? This is you owning your feelings, not you telling them what they did wrong. Because the truth is, is you don't actually know what they did. Okay? We only know what we feel. And that's what we have to speak from. And here's my favorite communication hack that I quite literally add to everything is this, can you help me with this? So if you talk to someone, you have a big feeling, like they're not texting you after three days, or I would say maybe they're watching your stories, but that's probably not a good example because you don't want to be talking to your ex if he's distanced himself from you. But let's think of any other example, like cleaning the dishes, leaving your shoes out, um, putting away your coffee mug, right? Have a feeling statement of saying, Hey, I feel frustrated when I see the coffee mug sitting on the table again. And I don't want to be frustrated, but it would be such a relief if that could get put away. Can you help me with this? Right? See, like we don't want them to fix it. We don't want them to own this feeling inside of us. We just want their help. And that's how you can get to a place where they are not responsible for your feelings in this moment. So you could say something like, Hey, I uh I found myself spiraling a little because I didn't hear from you after such a beautiful weekend, and I'm catching real feelings for you, and I just feel a lot right now. Can you help me with this? What can we do together so I still feel connected to you after a long, beautiful weekend? Right? That's something that the question asked from before could say instead of you didn't text me and you disrespect me. It's saying the same thing, but a very, very different context. That's vulnerability. Getting to our feelings, that's intimacy. That's you owning your feelings and then inviting them in without handing them the bag to carry for you.

The Question Flip That Changes Everything

SPEAKER_00 13:57

Now, before I let you go, I just want to say thank you so much for these four questions because as I look at them all together, I did notice a theme, which is that we are very focused on him, right? Why is he checking my social media? Why is he shutting down after a beautiful weekend? Why doesn't he understand me? Why does he get defensive when I speak? And I just want to invite you to do one thing this week, just one thing. And I want you to switch the question. Stop asking why is he doing this? Because when we ask that question, we're trying to understand his why so we can change ourselves to fit his mold. And instead, this is what I want you to ask. All right. I want you to ask, is this what I want? Right there. That's simple. That simple flip can change your entire thought process. It's not about why he does or doesn't do anything. It's about what do you want? I don't care why he does or doesn't text you. Do you like it when somebody doesn't text you? And if you don't, then you need to communicate your way towards getting what you need. Right? So if you're sitting there thinking there is no way he would ever give me what I need, well then I think you might already have your answer. But if you're just scared to have the conversation, try it. Let people surprise you. I love letting people surprise me. I love being so afraid of a conversation, going in and then the person's like, yeah, sure, no problem. That sounds great. I totally should have texted you on Monday. Wow. I love it when that happens. Go towards it. All right. Just say, hey, I really need you to reach out to me on Monday morning after we've spent an intimate weekend together. That would really mean a lot to me. Can you help me with that? Right? That's a grown woman conversation. And you deserve to have it. You deserve to have the relationship that comes after it too.

Ask Jen Your Question And Wrap

SPEAKER_00 15:33

Now, if you have a question that you've been wanting to ask me, then remember you can head over to the Facebook group and ask me there, or you can grab the link in the show notes that says ask Jen a question, fill out the Google form, and I'll answer your question right here on the podcast. I even sometimes offer up spots for folks to be coached by me right here on the show. Um, in fact, you might have heard my series with Cordelia. It just ended last week. And next week we are going to be starting up a new series with Courtney, a member from the Academy. And I cannot wait for you all to hear her growth over our six sessions. It's so great. But if that's something that interests you, fill out that form and we'll reach out if it's a question you want to come on the podcast for as well. All right, ladies, that is everything for this week. I will speak with you all next week. Take care. As we wrap up today's conversation, always remember that healing is a journey, not a destination. And it is an honor to be a part of your healing journey. If you want to dig deeper into the topics we covered today, be sure to head over to our show notes, where you can find all of the valuable information mentioned in today's episode, right there. And please remember to rate, review, and subscribe if you enjoyed today's podcast. Your feedback means the world to us and helps others discover our podcast. Until next time, remember to speak up and speak honest.