125. Why Being Wanted Doesn't Always Feel Safe | Coaching Call with Courtney (Part 4)

What does it mean to want connection and be terrified of it at the same time?

In this episode of the Speak Honest Podcast, Jenn Noble is back with Courtney for Part 4 of their live coaching series, and this one touches something most women feel but rarely have words for. Courtney arrives with a question that hits deep: why do we want to be wanted, but then not feel safe when someone actually wants us? Jenn and Courtney unpack the very human need to be wanted, what happens when that need has historically come with pain attached to it, and why so many women end up exhausted from molding themselves into whoever they think everyone around them needs them to be. The conversation moves into identity in a big way, specifically the question of who you actually are underneath all the performing, and Jenn guides Courtney through a roots visualization to start building out her "I am" statements from the inside out. This is raw, real coaching, and it might just be the permission slip you didn't know you needed.

You might want to listen if:

• You crave closeness but pull back when someone actually gets close
• You feel like you've lost yourself trying to be what everyone else needs
• You struggle to answer the question "who am I" outside of what you do for others
• You want practical tools for building a stronger sense of self
• You are working through anxious attachment and nervous system patterns in relationships

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DISCLAIMER:  Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health professionals for specific concerns. Client opinions do not reflect Speak Honest’s stance. We aim for accuracy but are not liable f...

Transcript

The Paradox Of Being Wanted

SPEAKER_01 0:05

Hello, and welcome to Speak Honest. I am your host and certified relationship coach, Jennifer Noble. It has been my passion for over a decade to help women like you heal. What's been holding you back from having the relationships you deserve? Are you struggling with a relationship where you can't seem to voice your emotions, needs, and boundaries without having it blow up in your face? Then you have found the right podcast, my friend. Get ready for practical tips, empowering truths, and honest conversations. Now, let's dive in. Hello, ladies, and welcome back to another episode of Speak Honest. I'm Jen Noble, your go-to relationship coach and author of the best-selling book, Dance of Attachment. And today we have Courtney back on our podcast. Now, this is our fourth session together, and she comes in today with a question that I really loved. It's it's such a human question. It's so real, and honestly, it's under talked about because we spend a lot of time in this space talking about wanting love, wanting connection, wanting to be chosen. But what Courtney brought today is the other side of that coin. So she asks, why is it that we want to be wanted, but when someone actually wants us, it doesn't feel safe. And I just want to sit with that for a second because if you've ever felt that push and pull feeling where you're craving connection and then simultaneously bracing for it, then you already know exactly what she means. It's not really confusion in this moment, right? We're not really sure what's going on. It's just a really sophisticated level of self-awareness. Most people just feel the tension and then they don't know what to call it. Courtney, though, she is doing the work in real time, out loud, in front of us all, and that takes courage. She doesn't have it all figured out, neither do I, and neither do you, and neither really does anyone. And that's kind of the whole point. So in this session, we go deep on a few things. We talk about the human need to be wanted. And yes, it is a need, it is valid, and it is not too much. And then we talk about why that same need can feel so threatening when it actually does show up. And then kind of the conversation veers a little bit and we start getting into identity. But it makes a lot of sense when you start listening because it makes sense of well, what does it mean to be wanted? How can you feel safe to be wanted? Well, that comes with your identity. Who am I? Who am I really on the inside? Who is my soul? Not the version of me that performs for other people, not the version that makes everyone laugh so that way they stick around, but the actual me, the rooted me. And we talk about what happens when we've spent so long molding ourselves to fit what everyone else wants that we genuinely don't even know the answer to that question anymore. So here's the core insight I want you to carry into this conversation. Your brain can know something, and your body can still not feel safe with it. Courtney knows that she wants connection. She knows she deserves it. And yet her nervous system is just noping right out. It is not safe. Do not send me into that lion's den. And that gap, you know, that space between what we know and what we feel, there is so much of our actual healing work in that gap right there. That's we want to be working on. So what we're really building towards in this episode is self-identity, the root system. Those I am statements that anchor you to yourself so that no matter what happens, no matter who comes or goes, no matter who texts you back or who doesn't, you are grounded in who you are. Because when you know who you are, nobody else gets to decide that for you. And if you're listening right now thinking, yeah, I get it, whatever, Jen, I understand my patterns, I know what I should be doing, but then life happens and I just can't seem to do it in the moment. Well, then this episode is exactly for you. And I'm so glad that you are here. And if you want real-time support with this, a place where you can actually practice regulation, work through your patterns, and not just listen to a podcast, but do the actual work with other women like Courtney who get it, then that is what the Speak Honest Academy is for. We have live group coaching, we have a beautiful community of women, and we have tools and courses to help you build this in your day-to-day life, not just in theory. All right. And you can find all of that information over at speakehonestacademy.com or scroll down to the show notes and click on the link down there and get started. Now, as you're listening today, I want you to notice what comes up in your body, not just in your mind, but notice what you are visualizing. Especially towards the end, there's going to be a mindfulness practice that I do with Courtney. I want you to take a moment and do it along with us. And then just notice what comes up in your body. Where do you feel tension? Where do you feel relief? What are you visualizing yourself? What is your root system that you want to create? I want you to just gather all of that information because that is your body talking to you.

Courtney Names The Push Pull

SPEAKER_01 5:28

Now, let's dive in. Hey, Courtney, welcome back. So excited to have you here. What are we working towards this week?

SPEAKER_03 5:40

All right, Jen. Well, I am excited to say that I have three different possible tangents we could go down. Which rabbit hole should we start first?

SPEAKER_01 5:47

Oh, which rabbit hole indeed? All right, you check in with yourself, check in with your body, and see which one is rising to the surface faster.

SPEAKER_03 5:58

Okay, so the one that's like talk to me now is the basically it's kind of like touching base on how you know we want relationships, and it's something that we find like important. That's not something that like a lot of people strive for, like in relationships that I didn't kind of whether it be like friends, romantic, or any anything like that. Uh but sometimes we we want, I think, in essence, as human beings, to be wanted. And that's something that I think is important for us, like in the core of like what we need, like our existence, like see me, I'm here, um all of that good stuff. And when we have those moments where we want to have those relationships, but then in a sense we are sometimes like afraid to have those relationships. Like, why is it that what we want sometimes I mean, is it different than when it actually happens around? I know it's a trauma response, or it could very much will be the case, but we want to be wanted, but then sometimes we don't feel safe to be wanted. And I think that was just kind of like a little bit of an epiphany for yesterday. Like to not feel safe to be wanted by another person, whether or not that's uh parental figure, your friend, or for me in my instance, it's uh relationships, like from a romantic aspect. I know we can do the whole somatic reprocessing to go and kind of rewire that, but I kind of like to delve a little bit deeper into like what that part of myself that has been stuck in that for so long, and it just took me such a long time to, I think, figure out that that was the case.

SPEAKER_01 8:11

Yeah. So let me make sure I'm understanding you correctly. It sounds like you're saying you want to be wanted, and that that seems perfectly normal. It's a very normal human aspect is to want to be wanted. And also there's a part of you that doesn't feel safe when you are wanted. Is that correct?

Performing For Love And Self Beliefs

SPEAKER_01 8:28

Correct. And I think that's that makes a lot of sense. And then I heard you say, you know, it could be with like your family or your partners, and then the one blaring word that I kept thinking about was men. Like it's men. It's men. Oh, it's just like it absolutely is without what like right?

SPEAKER_03 8:43

Like because it's not just the physical safety, it's the emotional and psychological safety.

SPEAKER_01 8:47

Are they going to rip your heart out? Uh, like not physically, but like I mean, they might physically too. Like, I've been watching way too many Netflix documentaries lately. But like, no, are they going to also just metaphorically rip your heart out and stomp on it and and then say, ha? Like, I get it. I get it so much. Like the the desire to be wanted is it's human, it's innate. It is everything. Think about a baby. Think about your teeny tiny, like you yourself are a baby. If you are wanted, what's going to happen? You're gonna be taken care of, you're gonna be loved, you're going to be cherished, you're gonna be held, you're gonna be fed.

SPEAKER_03 9:27

And then we also have that So sorry for interrupting. No, no, you're not at all. Go on. But we also have that, I guess, mentality that to be wanted to receive it's like receiving something. To be wanting is let's like you're receiving something, it's like you're receiving this gift. And when you receive something, it's that I think we have this culture of we must give something in return. And so I think I was also had a little bit of an epiphany about like, you know, taking up space in that essence combined with being wanted. Like we take up space sometimes to be wanted, or to to get the maybe it's to get the impression, or like we feel like we have to be um this bubbly, vivacious, this person who is able to like pull out all these good qualities from other people and to be the entertainment, to be the one that makes people laugh. And we don't have to. But even with that realization, you still I think feel this empty space of like, well, then what am I without this?

SPEAKER_01 10:43

Like, and I think that's a question that we talk about a lot inside of the academy, which is who am I? And what am I if I am not these things that society told me made me worthy and useful and lovable? Who am I without my blonde hair? Right? Like, who am I without my humor to deflect all of this stuff? Like, who am I? And that's a really that goes back to that authentic nature that we talk about, right? So life is all about a balance between authenticity and attachment. I learned this through Gabor Mate and how he teaches how from the moment we're born, our authenticity is being challenged for attachment. And if we are raised in a household where we haven't been taught a balance between authenticity and attachment, it's gonna get phew really skewed. And that's why we get insecure attachment styles and we get all this stuff going on. So you ask yourself, who am I? And the essence of this healing, the essence of secure attachment is knowing who you are, so that way no one else can tell you. We talk about this so often, and I know just one second, we talk about this so often. But if I say something like, you're an orange bush, right? Like, you know you're not an orange bush. And so it doesn't even, it doesn't even phase you. You look at me like I'm the crazy one. Like, what the hell, Jen? What are you talking about? Are you okay? Did you have too many weed gummies last night? Like, what are you talking about? There's confusion in your brain because I call you an orange bush and you don't understand it because you know who you are and you know it's not an orange bush. But if I said to you right now, you're stupid, you're ugly. You're not worth it. Did your body just change? Like, truly.

unknown 12:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:34

Even tell me from me, even though you know you trust me.

SPEAKER_02 12:37

Because there's that possibility. There's that possibility for it to be true, potentially. But that's in our brain.

SPEAKER_01 12:43

Yeah, that possibility is the belief that you have about yourself. There is no possibility you are an orange bush, right? Unless as a child, I constantly told you you're an orange bush and you made it mean something terrible about yourself, or maybe even something great about yourself. We give meaning to everything. Somebody says, Hey, I you have I like your blonde hair. And my body is to me is like, ooh, yay. Because I gave it meaning that now I'm pretty and I'm worthy and I'm oh, and I work so hard on it, right? Like that's the meaning I'm giving to it. But what if like the person didn't actually mean it? It was actually passive-aggressive, like, I like your blonde hair. I'm the one that gave meaning to that. And it works that way for all things. Our world, our lived experience is happening through our perception of what people are communicating to us. We get to decide how we perceive what they say.

SPEAKER_03 13:37

Uh, and that's where the trust comes in, because whether or not you trust yourself to be accurate. And like if you have, like, for example, like if you have the wound that you're wrong or it's your fault, it's gonna be a little bit more challenging to trust yourself that what you think you believe about yourself to be is to be true. And so it's kind of like this compilation of different wounds work coming in on each other. And what's interesting is I can actually see this now because I think when you first start and you first get it, if you don't work on it, you're not really gonna see it. You see just that pain. And you see that I am not this, I am not that. But when really these wounds are so intertwined and they connect you like just like wanting, um, just the the feeling of being um the wound for being wanted is also in its essence connected to other things.

Needs Versus Wounds And Leaky Buckets

SPEAKER_03 14:35

It's not just one.

SPEAKER_01 14:37

And can I speak on that real quick? Because I want to on I want to make sure we're clear on the difference as well between wounds and needs, right? So inside of the academy, I teach you guys the Dance of Attachment course. And through that course, and you've been with me long enough that you've seen all the iterations of what that course has been called, right? So, like, but the the the essence of what I teach in that course has never changed, has it?

SPEAKER_02 14:59

No.

SPEAKER_01 14:59

One of the things that I teach you guys is that we all have our own unique set of personality needs, and that we go through that and we learn what our needs are and we learn important things. Those of us can have a high need for validation and to be wanted, right? Those are those are needs of significance. We have six core macro needs, and then underneath those macro needs, we have all these micro needs, all these like kind of teeny tiny ways that those get met. So we have our six core needs. Oh, go on.

SPEAKER_03 15:28

Question. So if we don't have this need, for example, like need for validation, like if you you have a say you have a high need for validation, and um whenever like anything happens and maybe you don't get that need met, or you don't have a lot of like I know you find you have to find ways yourself to meet that need, but I'm also wondering if um like validation specifically, um, because it's so important with also communication, problem solving, uh conflict management, all of that, um to not get that need met and to get, I think, blame instead, uh that could actually come become itself into a wound. I'm wondering.

SPEAKER_01 16:15

Well, though that's exactly what it is. When we talk about our needs, we talk about that in terms of buckets, right? And our buckets fill up our needs, but we have holes in our buckets, but those are the wounds. So if you have a high need to be wanted, perfectly normal. By the way, not everybody has this. So just to be clear, this is your unique fingerprint. I think you do have a high need of being wanted. But because your need is so high and you want to be wanted, there's also these holes in your bucket preventing you from receiving when people want you because it's not safe, because you might get hurt. And then so why would you ever want your bucket to be filled if the act of being wanted also means you will be unsafe? So we live in this weird like cycle. Go on.

SPEAKER_03 17:04

Which is like ironic too, because like at the same time, look to you don't feel safe to be wanted, but then at the same time, being wanted means to be safe. Does it? Yeah, for me it does.

SPEAKER_01 17:17

So tell me more. So to you, being wanted means you're safe.

SPEAKER_03 17:22

Yes, because if I'm wanted and if I am uh uh looked upon positively, then I'm not going to receive that negative interaction from other people.

SPEAKER_01 17:33

Which then Which is not true, of course, but right, but it brings up a good nuance between are you wanted for a positive thing or a negative thing.

When Wanting Attention Felt Unsafe

SPEAKER_01 17:42

Oh so we talked about this a little bit yesterday, and I want to touch on it because I think it can be an impactful thing for many women. Listen, we know the statistics are that, you know, uh what is it, one out of every three women has been sexually assaulted in some way, and myself included. And so I think it's important that we talk about it's no wonder why we're confused sometimes around the need to be wanted when being wanted is what got some of us hurt. And so it's no wonder why it's scary. And then that's that's a big physical thing, but there is also, like you said, emotional pain and emotional, like I was wanted, this guy wanted me, but then uh he never treated me right, right? There's all these things around that too. And so I think it's important to understand that the lived human experience is going to have negativity with a positive aspect to anything. So all of our needs, every single one of them, has kind of the angel and the devil on the shoulder, so to speak. Vanity is actually a very normal, healthy, valid human need until you take it too far.

SPEAKER_03 18:53

I was gonna say like that's so interesting because it's always you have that um societal expectation or understanding of like you want to be pretty because it's socially acceptable. But then at the same time, you don't want to be full of yourself.

SPEAKER_01 19:09

Well, I mean, it's the Barbie quote, and I could quote that thing all day, every day, which is like you need to be pretty, but not too pretty. You need to be healthy, you need to be skinny, but you can't say you want to be skinny. You have to just say you want to be healthy, you need to make good money, but you can't flaunt that you make good money, right? This, but to be clear, this is how they keep us down. Okay. Like if I'm just gonna get on like my little like fenced soapbox for like a hot second. No, but it is. You mentioned earlier of like, oh, I wish I could remember your exact wording, but you mentioned earlier around like, oh, well, when I act this way or when I'm wrong, then you know, then somebody tells me that I'm wrong. And so it makes me question myself and I'm confused. But let me let me put it to you this way it's easier to control someone who doesn't know who they are, it's easier to get what you want out of someone if you are constantly confusing them and making them not understand themselves. Because if somebody doesn't trust themselves, then they're going to trust you, and thus they're gonna do whatever it is that you say. And so I'm not even saying people do this cognitively, like lot, like like up here in their conscious level. I'm saying there is a lot of emotional manipulation that happens out there in the world from all aspects. I mean, this comes from even therapists and teachers and coworkers and bosses, and but yes, our parents and our family and our partners and our spouses and our friends, if they constantly make you second guess yourself, yeah, then you are going to be easier for them to control.

SPEAKER_03 20:49

Oh, for sure, and it's more convenient for them. And yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:53

So, what better way to do this on a larger societal way than to get women to not think that they're worthy and then to become worthy, and then to tell them that's not good enough either? Like, hello, it's the way in which they control us. Like it's a fascinating aspect. But I say that not to give us like lack of hope, but just so that way we can at least release some of the pressure and the responsibility. It's our it's it's it's not our fault, but it is our responsibility, right? We have to do with what we can, right? We deal with whatever branches are breaking, because birds and wings and that quote I use all the time, right? But like that's what this is about. And so as you're kind of moving along and you're still questioning, and we'll still keep talking about this, I just want you to be thinking about okay, well, I have a high need to be wanted. That's great. So I want to make sure that that bucket stays filled. And also I just want to make sure there's no holes in that bucket. Cause if I don't get that filled, I'm not gonna live a satisfied life. I want to be wanted, I want to feel wanted. Oh, but it scares me. Okay, great. So let's use that information moving forward to make healthy choices. Because there are going to be people in your life that hurt you. It's just true.

SPEAKER_03 22:05

It is. And even like the most um the person who you love the most and who you feel the safest with, you're gonna have those situations. And I think it's also just realizing it and um it's to degree accepting it, but also trusting that you yourself can be able to to handle and to manage it.

SPEAKER_01 22:24

And which is going back to I mean, just real quick for anyone listening, and I'm like, what the fuck? What quote are you talking about? Okay. So the bird is not afraid of the branch breaking because she trusts in her own wings. Right. So that's what the quote means. It just kind of means it doesn't matter what's happening around me. Because I know that I trust in myself, I trust in my wings, I trust in my actions, I trust in my heart, I trust in my soul, I trust in my authenticity, that I will be fine no matter what happens.

SPEAKER_03 22:52

That's power. Oh, it is. And essentially, like from what I'm hearing, is like the key to that is essentially to knowing who you are. Yes. And but like that that is the biggest question. Like, who am I? Who am I? It was interesting. I know we were talking a little bit about that yesterday too. Like, I guess like understanding, because like if we ourselves don't necessarily know who we are, we're not gonna really understand, like, why do people like me? Why do they if I don't take up space and have presence and do all these things to make people like laugh and to be happy and comfortable, why would they like me? And so I guess the question is, is like that, what is that? I think a lot of some of the most difficult questions, like, because there's so many different roads that you can take to find this, is like, who am I? That that one thing. And it's something that we're gonna be, I think, like you said, constantly gonna be trying to search for and rediscover because we as humans are in perpetual change. We are constantly changing, we are constantly transforming. And so we will always need to rediscover ourselves and we will always be discovering ourselves, like who am I?

SPEAKER_01 24:04

And that's a good, healthy, secure person is constantly redefining themselves. And that's a good thing. It's but it's redefining based on what you know, versus if who I am is determined by what you think of me. So, like, for example, if I said to you, Courtney, like, do you think I'm a good coach? You know, you might say, Yeah, otherwise, why are you on here with me? Right? That'd be weird, but like by all means. But does you thinking I'm a good coach make me a good coach?

SPEAKER_02 24:43

Perception.

SPEAKER_01 24:45

Yeah. But like, do you get the end all be all say of how I am as a coach?

SPEAKER_03 24:52

No, because you have multiple people with different perceptions. Yes. So it's it's that same thing of the concept of orange bush. Like, it's it's very much the perception. And at the same time, like knowing that and knowing because going back to kind of like a little bit what we were talking about before, in that um, by being comfortable and understanding and knowing who you are, uh, to be able to, as the probably one of the biggest things to protect yourself. I think that is an actual tool in itself that is how we protect ourselves.

SPEAKER_01 25:31

No, it it most of what we do in life is honestly it's from a human biological nature, is to protect ourselves. In fact, if I if I could touch on that too, the act of folding and molding and fawning yourself to match what people want from you is in effect also protecting yourself. Not learning who you are protected you in a family dynamic when if truly speaking you figured out who you were as a child, you're most likely your family would have ousted you.

SPEAKER_03 26:03

Ah, that makes sense. Because, like if you are not accepted for being who you are and you they people want to change you for being who you are, then it's safer to be in a place where you don't know who you are. And granted, you kind of end up giving some of your power, actually, a lot of your power away by doing that. But then at the same time, that in itself kind of keeps you safe because it's something it's an excuse. It's something that you can fall back on, like, oh, I didn't know.

SPEAKER_01 26:33

And like, I want you to just kind of listen to the power of the statement you just said. But if you live in an environment where people don't accept you for who you are, picture that. Just picture like a little five-year-old girl, and she's in a family dynamic, and she is born with this type of personality that just doesn't seem to mesh with her family, and they don't accept her or allow her to be who she is. Do you see how now, in order for her to stay safe, she has to lose her authentic self to attach? And thus it gets further and further and further away. And the balance is it's off. And so you become an adult and you think in order to be safe, because that's what you'd taught, you need to attach and you need to mold yourself to be something else because that's what it worked. Except if you keep doing that for every single person around you, if you keep trying to put yourself in a mold for someone else, but everyone has different opinions and different ideas of what they want. Holy shit, is that exhausting? It is in a family dynamic, it's just you and your fam. It's just like you guys, it's fine. Honestly, it's it's whatever. But now you've got friends, exactly, partners and bosses and co-workers. Yes. And I have to be this for this person and this for this person and this for this person, and oh my god, I'm just exhausted.

SPEAKER_03 28:03

Yeah, and and to also iterate, like, it doesn't necessarily have to be, I think, family too, because like it can also be like say you were bullied, yeah, and it was a way for you to keep safe at school. Yeah. So I mean, there's

Building A Secure Base From Identity

SPEAKER_03 28:17

so many things. So then I guess my main question in this part is like, how do we become what is the path? And I know there's multiple paths, so this may be a redundant or question, but to reach the point where we are strong enough, where we can become that mountain for ourselves, to be able to stay grounded and to hold ourselves strong in the face of the wind, which is other people telling us like to be different, to to be all these things, but what we want to be. Like, how can we create that base of uh sturdiness to say that you know what I hear when you're asking

Root Meditation With I Am Statements

SPEAKER_03 29:06

this question?

SPEAKER_01 29:06

You want to try something with me? When you're talking about how do we create this secure base? How do we create this way in which the wind won't knock us down? I'm hearing roots. So get settled in your body with me a little bit. Let's do a little I am mindfulness root meditation. Do you want to try that? Okay.

SPEAKER_03 29:29

Yeah, which is interesting because I'm actually thinking mountains.

SPEAKER_01 29:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 29:32

Like I want something like big, like we ain't moving this.

SPEAKER_01 29:35

But like we even with with with mountains, they're they're there, but with trees, right, they they are able to ebb and flow a little bit. And the way that they grow so tall is that they get deep, deep, deep roots. And that oftentimes in the growth process, you see this teeny tiny little tree, but you don't see yet how deep the roots are growing that's allowing this tree to go all the way up to the sky. Look at a redwood. We live in the bay. Look at those freaking redwoods that are all around. Those things get so tall. But they're able to get that tall because they're able to grow their root system so wide, so deep, so strong. So just see if you can kind of, if you want, you can close your eyes or soften your gaze. Let's take a big deep breath in through our nose. Out through our mouth. And I just want you to visualize maybe a field here outside. And I've just planted a tree. And now the roots are starting to grow. These roots are your anchor system. These roots are who you are. I want you to think about a trait that you have. I am. I want you to say it out loud for me here. I am what? What's the first thing that comes to your mind? Something that fills you with joy.

SPEAKER_03 31:14

Interestingly enough, the same thing that comes to my mind is I am strong.

SPEAKER_01 31:18

I am strong. Yeah, just stick with that real quick. No, like just stick with the feeling. Can you picture that I am statement as a root growing from that tree into the ground? Maybe you can even feel it coming off your tailbone into the place you are sitting right now. Feel it ground you to the earth. Feel it hold you steady. I am strong. Now if you want to, with that one big root that's coming out, little extra roots are gonna come out of that. Is there a memory you have of a time when you were strong?

SPEAKER_03 32:13

Standing up for myself.

SPEAKER_01 32:15

Yeah. So you picture that. Almost like in my visualization, and everyone's will be different. It's almost like this movie, it's almost like playing through the root as it's like coming out of it, and it's reminding you your evolution. Now pick another I am statement, something else that makes you feel good about yourself. I am I am soft. That's gonna be over here, or wherever you want it to be, wherever it should grow. And my mind, for some reason, roots always grow opposite because it keeps you balanced and steady. But you have I am soft, and it's growing. Can you visualize it growing out of your tree? Anchoring you to the mother, nature, earth, keeping you steady and then see if you can find a memory of how soft you are. What does that mean to you?

SPEAKER_00 33:22

Holding space.

SPEAKER_01 33:27

You're holding space. Can you picture yourself holding space for a friend?

SPEAKER_03 33:31

All the time.

SPEAKER_01 33:33

Yeah. Do you have one specific memory that you remember recently? You don't have to share it right now, just think about it. Put it in your little root video montage.

SPEAKER_03 33:47

I like this visualization. Yeah. That's that's yeah, no, keep going, sorry. Because like it allows you to not only have because like when you think of a tree, you may think of like something being strong, or like you you think of all the qualities of a tree, like resilience and all of that. And but soft is not necessarily a quality that you would think of a tree.

SPEAKER_01 34:11

So it But then as we were just talking about, the fact that a tree can sometimes ebb and flow, it's soft, isn't it? Like it needs otherwise it would just go crack.

SPEAKER_03 34:21

Although I think that would be like more flexible, but yeah, perceptions and like also like so I think it allows you to hold for different contrasting parts of yourself that make up for multiple different things.

SPEAKER_01 34:35

So if if we were doing this together, if we were doing this in a workshop or whatnot, or we had more time together, I would actually have each of you, and anyone who's listening, if you want to do this after this episode is over, grab some paper and just draw like a root system underneath your tree, and then just start writing in I am statements. I am powerful, I am passionate, I am allowed to take up space. I am beautiful. I am funny. Whatever it is, find this. And this is how we slowly develop our sense of self in these ways. And then, yes, comes the time where we might have to do a deeper reprogramming work where we go in and do actual somatic affirmations for 30 days so we can take some time to actually rewire our neurons in my little geeky neuroplastic way that I love teaching. And also it's okay to like do it in a creative, artistic, soft way, because that's what life is all about. But this is one way that we can do that. So, as I'm wrapping us up today, what do you want to work on this week so you can help develop your sense of self?

SPEAKER_03 35:53

I think what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna use this, like kind of this new visualization because I'm I'm a very visual person. So it's like I connect the visualizations to the feelings in my nervous system and my body. And so how cool is that to be able to like come up with all these roots and systems? It's something I don't know. It's it to me, it's infinitely more creative than it allows more possibilities that I can see. Um so I'm excited to see how this goes. But last question, although you may like, dang it, always your last questions.

SPEAKER_01 36:28

Or it's like it's like the cliffhanger for the

Rotten Roots And Somatic Rewiring

SPEAKER_01 36:30

next episode. Go on.

SPEAKER_03 36:33

Um it's what if those roots become rotten?

SPEAKER_00 36:43

What if those roots become rotten?

SPEAKER_01 36:50

I want to honor the question and say I think it's a fair question. And it's a question out of fear, and I don't know if it can happen, to be honest, because if those roots are becoming rotten, then potentially like anything else, it's just a wound, and we can spend a little bit more time going in and healing those parts of ourselves. So let's say, let's say we're in a garden and there's a rotten root. Maybe what we would do is take some more time to give it some more nurture, right? Maybe we add some extra soil in that space. Maybe we make sure there's no uh stagnant water. Maybe we wrap up the root, maybe we put some boarding down on top of it, right? We give it extra love and attention. So if we were looking at, let's say you have I am strong, but let's say somewhere along the line you feel like that root system is getting rotten because you believe you're weak. That's when I would go in with a really hardcore 21-day or 30-day somatic affirmation practice where we're going to go in and re-show your brain how strong you actually are. And this is the hard part with the five pieces of evidence and all the work that we do. But like I would say that would be it. And also let's wait to see when we get there.

SPEAKER_03 38:21

Well, you know what's interesting though? Because like when I actually like when I came up with that kind of question, it actually didn't feel like a place of fear to me. But then maybe it sounded like that.

SPEAKER_01 38:34

Yeah, and I I could have mistaken that. But oftentimes if we well, because in my world, it's interesting. What if something goes wrong? Yeah. If that's not fear, what is it?

SPEAKER_03 38:45

Yeah, that makes sense. That makes sense. Like it's just it's so interesting because it's like our perception of what we have, but then when we come out of your mouth, if you actually like listen to it, it sounds a little bit different from what we're saying.

SPEAKER_01 38:56

So yeah, because otherwise, and and that's good. We have to listen to ourselves. I could be very wrong that that's coming from a place of fear. It's just in my body, I'm thinking, if it's not fear, then what is it?

SPEAKER_03 39:08

Interesting.

SPEAKER_01 39:10

So keep, yeah, like keep an eye out on that too, because I know that your brain also works differently. And you're like, no, it's not fear. You just have these very fun, I say fun, like intrusive thoughts sometimes, right? And so, like, sometimes it's like, no, I just I think about shit like this all the time. But also, maybe there is a level of fear behind there or a different word, and let's keep digging to see that your body does have this way of saying yeah but.

SPEAKER_03 39:35

Oh, it it's without a doubt a yeah but.

SPEAKER_01 39:38

Yeah, it's a yeah, your yeah buts are kind of what if. And so to that, I often like to say, let's just wait till we get there. How about we build out your root system so deep, so strong, that if one of them does go rotten, then we'll deal with that when it comes.

SPEAKER_03 39:54

Interesting. So maybe those rotten parts that kind of what you're saying are the wounds that we have.

SPEAKER_01 39:59

I think that they're probably the wounds and we'll go in and do it. And that's that's the difference between like who I am now in terms of like, because people ask this all the time, like, oh my God, do you seriously like do like 10 minutes every night of your somatic affirmations? It's like so exhausting. You know, like I get it. Like, I get that it seems exhausting, but I always equate it to when you go into the gym and you're trying to get fit or get ready for something or a marathon or lose weight or gain weight, whatever it is, you're going to give it a lot more effort in the beginning than when you're in maintenance phase. And maintenance phase is just being able to have a nice simple visualization, falling asleep at night, reminding yourself how powerful or how strong or how soft you are. If there is something that is in the way of you acting or behaving or doing or saying things that you want to be doing and you can't seem to be doing it because something is holding you back, that is when we need to kind of go in with a little bit more triage. And we need to actually get in there and say, oh, there's a wound that is poking holes in all my buckets, making all my roots rotten. And it is something that I need to focus solely 100% on at nighttime when my brain is mushy during that alpha theta brainwave state. I need to find the evidence, like my life is literally depending on it, and I need to rewire my brain. That is the work that we do then, and then we do it, it eases up a little bit, and we can go back to have being a little bit more maintenance face. That's kind of that's kind of the rhythm of how it works. But with that said, I'm gonna wrap us up here for the day, just looking at the time. Is there anything else that you is on your heart that you want to share? I hear you are working towards wanting to figure yourself out more, figuring out your your roots, doing all of that. Is there anything else as we wrap up?

SPEAKER_03 41:52

Yeah, no, I think it's just I'm excited to kind of figure out those aspects. Um, like there's so many complexities that we can go into this. So I know we're out of time.

SPEAKER_01 42:04

So no, I mean, literally forever. Like, that's like, yeah, like that's the funny part. I mean, and that's honestly why to me as well, healing doesn't happen in an hour or to be honest, a 50-minute, you know, for most people with therapy sessions a week, because our brains are constantly thinking about this stuff. That's why I love having systems in place where we have communal spaces to be able to explore this stuff with other people, with ourselves. You could have coaching, you could have community, you have discussion posts, you have WhatsApp chats where you can like, hey guys, I was thinking about this thing because life is meant to be lived this way. Life is meant to be lived where we're constantly thinking and having these thought processes and being able to explore them with other people so we can learn and engage and figure this stuff out. And that's why I love doing what I do inside of the academy to be able to allow for us all to have that whenever it is. So if your brain is still going a mile a minute after this conversation, you know, jump in the WhatsApp chat or go into the discussion post or go fill out a form so we could talk about it next week during group, anything like that. That's the best part. So this is beautiful. I hope you have a beautiful week. I will speak with you next week, okay?

SPEAKER_03 43:18

All right, thank you. It was a fun conversation.

SPEAKER_01 43:20

Yeah, this is a good one. All right, take care.

SPEAKER_03 43:22

Take care.

Recap Plus Root Practice Homework

SPEAKER_01 43:27

I just want to take a moment to acknowledge Courtney and all the hard work she puts into her healing because she comes into the academy every single week, ready to get into the hard-to-reach places. And honestly, it is just such a joy to get to coach her. And today she brought something that I think a lot of us carry around, but maybe we don't really have the language for it yet, and that's okay. But it's this feeling of wanting to be wanted and also not feeling safe when that happens. And that tension is really real, ladies, and we need to be talking about it. And today we talked about a lot, but it all came back to this one core idea. Who am I? We talked about the human need to be wanted. And I want to be clear that this is a legitimate attachment need. And inside of the Speak Honest Academy, the number one course that we do inside of there is my Dance of Attachment course, where I teach you about attachment needs. And we get into the nitty-gritty of macro needs and micro needs and how all of these are so important. Now, just to be a little bit more clear here, there are six key attachment needs that we all have. All right. So those needs are connection, significance, certainty, variety, growth, and contribution. And then underneath those needs, we have dozens and dozens of micro needs. And this is important because when I talk to Courtney about this, this is what I'm referencing. And if you want to learn more about your needs, you can check out chapter seven inside of my book Dance of Attachment, where we dive into attachment needs deeper and we learn how to nurture them. Now, having a high need to be wanted is not a flaw. It is your unique fingerprint. And what we also talked about is what happens when that need has holes in it, when it's leaking out and you're unable to actually receive that need. When being wanted has also historically meant being hurt or unsafe or discarded. So your system learned to want it and feared at the same time. Hence the confusion. We also got into identity in a big way this week. That question of who am I? Who am I when I take off the mask and stop performing for everyone around me? Who am I when I stop being the funny one? The helpful one? The pretty one? Or the one that makes everyone else comfortable. My favorite part of the session with Courtney was when we took a moment towards the end to do a mindfulness visualization together of a root system spreading and growing up to help build a strong tree and building out I am statements with each root as it formed in her imagination. If you have some time this week, then I would love for you to spend some more time in that visualization for yourself. If you're a creative person, try drawing your root system out on paper. Or maybe you're more into nature. So go out into your backyard or to your local park, find a tree, trace the roots while going through your own personal I am statements. I went with a visualization with Courtney because I know that's how she learns best. In fact, let's stop down here for a moment and talk about some of the choices I made as her coach. See, if you yourself are a coach or a facilitator or a practitioner, then, or maybe you just like knowing why I do what I do and why I choose the questions that I do, then let me break those down for you. Now, you might have noticed a moment where she mentioned that being wanted meant being safe. But I challenged her on that and I brought her back to her original question, which was that to her, being wanted also meant being unsafe. I wanted to balance her original question with her statement at that moment and check in with her subconscious to see if there was any resistance to me challenging that. And you can see in that moment, I asked her to tell me more because in that moment I wasn't really interested in logic. I wanted her to stay in the contradiction long enough for it to actually mean something in her body. That's where the real information lives. Not in the correction, but in the feeling underneath it. I also wanted to point out the moment at the end where she pushed back on my understanding of her question about the roots being rotten. And I suggested her question was coming from fear, and she said actually it didn't feel like fear at all. And you know what? She was right to push back. That is self-trust. That's exactly what we're building in our work together. And I want to own that in that moment I could have been wrong. And that's okay. Good facilitation means holding your interpretations loosely and staying more curious than certain. And now, as I'm wrapping up for this week, I just want to remind you that if you are listening to this and you are thinking, shit, Jen, I don't even know who I am. Like, who would I even be if I wasn't performing for everyone else? Then, girl, I get it. And that is exactly where we start. And I want you to know that you don't have to figure this out alone. This is why I created the Speak Honest Academy. And inside of the Academy, we work on exactly this: figuring out who you are underneath all of the performing and the people-pleasing and the molding yourself into whatever you think everyone else needs you to be. We have weekly group coaching sessions. We have an amazing community of women to support you on your healing journey and courses to help you start building that root system we talked about today so that you can start to feel grounded in yourself, not just to understand it up here in your head. No, no, no. We actually feel it down here in our bodies because that is where the real change happens. Now you can find all of that information over at speakhonestacademy.com or just scroll on down to the show notes and click on the link right there. And if there's one thing I want you to walk away with this week, it's this start your root system. Grab a journal, draw it out, go find a tree outside, or just close your eyes before you fall asleep tonight and let the visualization run wild in your mind. Find your I am statements. Those statements that make you feel good about yourself. I am strong. I am soft. I am valued enough. Funny. Smart. I am a badass. Whatever feels true for you and for those of you who want to challenge this week, find one memory, if you can, just one, that proves your I am statement. Let that be your route and let that root anchor you this week. Remember, the deeper those roots grow, the stronger you are, and the less the wind can move you. Alright, ladies, I'll speak with you all next week. Take care. As we wrap up today's conversation, always remember that healing is a journey, not a destination. And it is an honor to be a part of your healing journey. If you want to dig deeper into the topics we covered today, be sure to head over to our show notes where you can find all of the valuable information mentioned in today's episode right there. And please remember to rate, review, and subscribe if you enjoyed today's podcast. Your feedback means the world to us and helps others discover our podcast. Until next time, remember to speak up and speak honest.