127. Is a Relationship Even Worth It? | Coaching Call with Courtney (Part 5)

Do You Ever Wonder If You Even Want a Relationship?

In this episode of the Speak Honest Podcast, Jenn Noble sits down with Courtney for another live coaching call, and this one starts with a question so many women carry quietly: do I even want a relationship? What starts as a simple yes or no unravels into a real look at dating burnout, protective parts, and a belief that had been running underneath everything all along, the idea that Courtney's needs and her exhaustion make her an inconvenience. Jenn and Courtney talk directly to the part of her that is simply tired, and what happens when they finally ask that part what she needs instead of asking her to hurry up.

You might want to listen if:

• You keep going back and forth on whether you actually want a relationship
• You are dealing with dating burnout and do not know how to recover from it
• You believe your needs or your emotions make you an inconvenience to other people
• You want to see IFS parts work used in a real coaching session
• You are exhausted from dating and cannot tell if it is anxiety or intuition talking

FIND OUT MORE!

• Join the Speak Honest Academy 
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DISCLAIMER:  Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health professionals for specific concerns. Client opinions do not reflect Speak Honest’s stance. We aim for accuracy but are not liable f...

Transcript

Welcome To Speak Honest

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Hello, and welcome to Speak Honest. I am your host and certified relationship coach, Jennifer Noble. It has been my passion for over a decade to help women like you heal. What's been holding you back from having the relationships you deserve? Are you struggling with a relationship where you can't seem to voice your emotions, needs, and boundaries without having it blow up in your face? Then you have found the right podcast, my friend. Get ready for practical tips, empowering truths, and honest conversations. Now, let's dive in. Hello, ladies, and welcome back to another episode of Speak Honest. I'm Jen Noble, your go-to relationship coach and author of the best-selling book, Dance of Attachment. And on today's episode, we are back to chatting with Courtney. Now, this time, she has a question about relationships. And more specifically, she is wondering, does she even want to be in one? Now, if that resonates with you, you are going to want to listen to this week's episode because where this question takes us, neither of us were expecting. But

Join The Speak Honest Academy

SPEAKER_00 1:09

I love what we discovered at the end. Now, if you're listening to this week's episode and you're thinking, Jen, I know I want a relationship. I know what my patterns are. I just can't seem to stop repeating them when it actually matters. Then I want to invite you to join us inside of the Speak Honest Academy, where we don't just talk about your relationship patterns. We dig into them. We work with the parts of you that are exhausted, the parts that are scared, the parts that are still asking whether you are even worth showing up for. And there is live coaching, you get a community of women who are in the exact same season of their lives and real support for the moments when you are sitting across from someone you really, really like and your nervous system decides now is the time to screw it all up. And now, if that sounds like the kind of work you are ready to do, then you can find all of the information you need to join us over at speakhonestacademy.com or by scrolling down to the show notes and clicking on the link there. And as you're listening today, pay attention to these things. Where in your own life have you been trying to push past a part of yourself instead of slowing down to listen to it? Whether there is a belief somewhere in you that your needs or your emotions are an inconvenience to everyone else, and whether the exhaustion you have been feeling might actually be your body trying to get your attention rather than a problem to solve. Now, let's dive in.

Courtney’s Big Relationship Question

SPEAKER_00 2:52

Hi, Courtney. I'm so excited to have you back. Now, I know last week we went through a lot of stuff about wanting to be wanted and figuring out who we are, but I want to know for this week, what are we working towards?

SPEAKER_01 3:05

Hi, Dan. Thank you for having me again. It's always a pleasure to be on this uh with you. I would say that kind of piggyback offing our previous podcast, I'd like to touch base with going into I think there's a lot of people who waffle kind of back and forth between whether or not they actually want to have a relationship with someone versus not. And so I want to go into that. And I'm wondering if we can maybe combine parts work if we if that um kind of leads into that.

SPEAKER_00 3:36

Yeah. So you want to kind of understand it, sounds like you want a relationship, and then also you don't want a relationship. Exactly. Yeah, okay, great. Like, I mean, I know that seems like simple, but and so if if I'm hearing you correctly as well, then it sounds like a part of you wants a relationship and a part of you doesn't. And if there's one thing we have learned about your parts is that they do like to battle each other. Oh, yes. And so they very much like to get into that competitive nature of like, no, I know what's right for Courtney. No, I know what's right for Courtney.

SPEAKER_01 4:07

So exactly. We got War of the Worlds.

SPEAKER_00 4:10

Again, they have your best interest at heart, right? So we're gonna thank them for loving you so much that they would fight over you. What beautiful parts you have, such protective parts. And so let's really explore what that looks like for you. So tell me my first initial thought process is what does a relationship mean to you?

What A Relationship Means

SPEAKER_01 4:30

That's a good question. I think originally before I started working on myself a lot, it was safety. Um, but not only that, it was, I guess, routine, it was expectation, it was friendship, it was having that rock, that hope almost. And it was to be honest, kind of like a new something that you can kind of create and build together with someone. So it's that construction and that self-discovery and all of that in between.

SPEAKER_00 5:21

Yeah, that's really beautiful. And so is that still what you think like I I thought I heard you say what I used to think it meant. Is that still what you believe it means? Is that like everything to you?

SPEAKER_01 5:31

To be honest, I haven't been in a very long relationship before, or haven't a lot of serious relationships. So I want to say, like, my experience may not be the most in that regard. And then at the same time, I'm not entirely sure.

SPEAKER_00 5:53

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 5:54

It's like I'm going back and forth between like, do I it's so stressful, I think, going through the dating process. And it's almost like dragging myself to try and use the dating apps or just going out in person. And I think it's mindset. My understanding is from like from the research that I have been doing that it's how you see things, like whether or not if you go out about in your daily life and include it that way, that's one way to do it. But I think there's like something like a bit more here because it's so uh difficult to just get myself to go and to do that. Because it's almost like a part of me is like, what is the point?

SPEAKER_00 6:46

Something I'm picking up as you're talking right now, and correct me if I'm wrong here. But if I said to you right now, I could put you in a relationship, you have a man who gives you safety, who is your rock, who is your best friend, who gives you hope, who gives you routine, and you guys are creating something together. If I said right now, you can't have that, it's sounding like that's what you would want. Tell me what comes up for you. Tell me what comes up for you when I say that. You have it.

SPEAKER_01 7:14

Okay, I have it. I think part of me is like, I I don't think I've had that before, so it's like if I had everything like my ideal, like, okay, that would be nice.

SPEAKER_00 7:26

Okay. So you said, do you want a relationship or not? And I said, here's your magic wand. You have a man who gives you safety, who gives you routine, who is your rock, who is your best friend, and you guys are building something together. Do you want that?

SPEAKER_01 7:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:45

Okay. What

You Want Love Not Dating

SPEAKER_00 7:47

I'm hearing over here is you don't want a date. Yes, it's just so there. It's so exhausting. So, can we revamp the original question? Would that be okay? You're waffling back and forth whether or not you want to have a relationship. But maybe the question is even, is a relationship worth it? Or is the dating worth it to get to the end means? Like, does that make sense? I wonder if there's a different way for your own heart space, we could reword this, reframe it. So you could see uh it's sounding to me like there is no question here. You want a relationship. So the question becomes is it worth it?

SPEAKER_01 8:31

How many times do I want to hit my head against the wall before and doing the same thing before I finally figure it out to something different?

SPEAKER_00 8:41

Exactly. So let me ask you this. You went to did you go to college? You went to college. I did. You have a job, right? Yeah. Yes. Was that really hard?

SPEAKER_01 8:50

I love college.

SPEAKER_00 8:51

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 8:52

College was the best.

SPEAKER_00 8:54

Okay, good.

SPEAKER_01 8:55

Like getting a job, like that one was more because it was like a whole process. So like going, uh re-going to school for that, going to my area, like finding that one.

SPEAKER_00 9:06

Because you had to go back to school to kind of get the credential to do what it is that you're doing now, right?

SPEAKER_01 9:10

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 9:11

When you thought about that, would it be okay if I stopped right here?

SPEAKER_01 9:13

Oh, go for it.

SPEAKER_00 9:14

Okay. When you when you were thinking about that, wanting to do this career that you have, and you had to go do the hard part of getting credentialed. Was that worth it? Yes.

SPEAKER_01 9:28

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 9:28

Sometimes in order to get the thing that we want at the other side, we do have to go through the slog of the shit that we go through. It kind of reminds me of your one of your parts that feels like she has to walk through molasses.

SPEAKER_01 9:43

Oh, yeah. She's very strong. The force with her is strong.

SPEAKER_00 9:47

Yes, yes. And so maybe what we can do is get to an even deeper question of is dating worth it to have a relationship? I mean, honestly, it takes you back to like, I'm not saying no to arranged marriages, is what I'm saying. Because like, I get it. Like I think, I think if done correctly, that could be amazing. Because you're not wrong. Dating in today's age is exhausting. And if there's one thing we know about you, you have an incredibly strong, exhaustive part. She is tired.

SPEAKER_01 10:22

It's funny because I she wasn't there before, but she came up and she's old and strong.

SPEAKER_00 10:28

I think potentially, if she wasn't there before, because she's been there nearly for as long as I've coached you. There's genuinely like a, okay, this is the next thing we get to do. Yay! And your usual response is, and I say that with like, good, that's your response. That's what your resistance is. We talk to her. Yeah. And if you she wasn't around before, it's probably because you just weren't pushing yourself. You weren't getting past parts of your comfort zone. So she's gonna come out more and more.

SPEAKER_01 10:56

Actually, for me, it felt like I was putting so much energy into it in the beginning and like for for years. And it's like I wasn't really getting anywhere or any results. And it got to the point where I think like, I scan it anymore. Let me throw this Hail Mary. And thank God I landed in your lap.

SPEAKER_00 11:19

So now, have you heard of a dating burnout?

SPEAKER_01 11:24

Oh, that, yeah, I can see that. How long does it last though? Because it's lasted for a good amount of time.

SPEAKER_00 11:31

Well, I'll tell you, I mean, okay, it has lasted a good amount of time, and also it wasn't that long ago when you were still dating people, right? Like remind me the last time you kind of had a relationship. When was that?

SPEAKER_01 11:46

I mean, does dating count as a relationship?

SPEAKER_00 11:50

I guess, well, when I'd say past like two or three dates. Do you know what I mean? Like when you were really invested in a guy.

SPEAKER_01 11:57

Ah.

SPEAKER_00 11:58

Was it that was it that one guy?

SPEAKER_01 12:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:02

With the trip?

SPEAKER_01 12:03

No, it was actually uh It was after that.

SPEAKER_00 12:06

Oh, it was after that. It was with the guy with the family.

SPEAKER_01 12:11

Maybe not. Oh, yeah, the guy with the family who ended up um go see me after going to visit his family, which I feel like is common. Anytime a guy goes on a trip and comes back, you meet that relationship is over.

SPEAKER_00 12:25

That's a fascinating thing I would love to unpack as well. But again, if that's a pattern you've I've never found that in my own life, but if you're finding that pattern, that's a pattern that calls to you. Fascinating. I love attachment patterns for that reason because it's like, oh shit, this is a pattern. This has not happened to everyone. This is a me thing. Okay, great. What can I do about this?

SPEAKER_01 12:42

Yeah, this is good to know. This happened with every guy that I've been on doing.

SPEAKER_00 12:46

Yeah, for you know, this is a red flag. You're going on a trip. I don't know how I feel about this, guys. No,

Anxiety That Feels Like Exhaustion

SPEAKER_00 12:50

but just know that that's not everyone. So I say that. Can you tell me? I want to get us in our reality. So something that we want to do here is when we start having these questions of like, oh my God, is this even worth it or not? That's anxiety coming up, right? Anxiety is when we fear the past and the future at the exact same time and we're not living in the present.

SPEAKER_01 13:10

Interesting. Because to me, like I've never had this form of it, I think, before. Usually for like to me, like anxiety is like that heightened. It's like you're aware of everything and that combined with like fear. But this one, it feels just like exhaustion.

SPEAKER_00 13:29

Yeah, this is this is your kind of burnout anxiety because, and in fact, I think your exhaustive part of you is keeping you safe in a way, because that way you don't have this intense fear and you have all this stuff. She just kind of wants you to stop. Because it's a lot. And you know what? Maybe she's not wrong. But who's to say if we took a break from dating right now for three months, you can't start dating again once you feel better? Burnout is one of the most common things. We get burnout in work, we get burnout at school, we get burnout in relationships, we get burnout in dating. Burnout is real. Okay. Now, it just means that we have taken on too much. We've opened too many tabs, so to speak, in our uh bandwidth in our brain. And it's okay to take breaks from that. And so I want to ask you if I say to you, great, let's just take a break for three months and just go enjoy your life. Don't date. What does that feel like?

SPEAKER_01 14:23

Hmm. It's interesting, it's like a combination. Like there's a little bit of a sigh of relief, but then also there is like this kind of I think that anxiety that you were talking about that no. And also, I think knowing myself too, because like before I went um dated the previous guy for a while, it was I took a break for like about six months. And he was the I think the first person that I started going on dates with after that. So I think maybe um, and I'm segueing a little bit, but I'm wondering if maybe the way that I've been going about dating or who I've been connecting with is the same thing over and over again. And maybe that's what's leading to the same results over and over again, and was what's leading to the burnout, and possibly also like why do I even bother trying?

SPEAKER_00 15:27

Yeah, it's like the concept of we're just beating our head against the same wall, wondering why it's not breaking. Yeah. Real quick, I want to get back in our reality again. When did

Ghosting And Pattern Reality Checks

SPEAKER_00 15:37

this guy ghost you? How long ago was that?

SPEAKER_01 15:40

Um, I want to say maybe like two or three months ago.

SPEAKER_00 15:44

Okay, so it's June, so April?

SPEAKER_01 15:48

Possibly.

SPEAKER_00 15:49

Okay. And how long were you dating him?

SPEAKER_01 15:54

Um I think I was dating him for like like a month and a half or so.

SPEAKER_00 15:59

Okay, so a month and a half. And did you see any red flags in the beginning of that relationship?

SPEAKER_01 16:05

Not that I was aware of, to be honest.

SPEAKER_00 16:09

So the ghosting really just like came out of nowhere.

SPEAKER_01 16:12

I felt it did, but maybe yeah, no, I kind of felt it did.

SPEAKER_00 16:16

Okay. Um, so I I wanna because I want us to get clear on like things, right? So he said, Hey, I'm gonna go visit my family. And then he'd never talked to you ever again, is that right?

SPEAKER_01 16:30

Um, I messaged him I think after I thought he was back from his trip, which was like about two weeks later. Great. Um, asking how the trip was, and then he replied after like a a day or so, um, it was great, thanks. Or something like that. And then I messaged him back again and I just never heard of anything. So if anything, it would probably So he did like the slow fade off of you.

SPEAKER_00 16:59

Like he was just kind of like, Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:01

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 17:02

And in the beginning, did you find that you drove the conversation more than most? Like if you were to look back on your text messages, would you say there's more blue than white?

SPEAKER_01 17:12

I don't know. I felt it was actually kind of equal.

SPEAKER_00 17:14

Okay, good, good. That's good. So in this situation, sometimes we're not gonna know when someone acts this way, and that's okay. So if I say that to you and I say, sometimes in life, people are gonna come into our lives and then they're just gonna suck.

SPEAKER_01 17:31

I feel like that that happens. Um, is is it wrong to say that happens more often with the guys that I go out with?

SPEAKER_00 17:37

I feel like Well, that's what I'm wondering. That pattern a little bit. But yeah. So okay, okay. So that's that's that. So there was no red flags in the beginning. There was nothing you were concerned about, there was nothing that you were like, oh, okay, I seem to be the one that has to keep making plans. No, he drove to you, he was um communicative, you were able to bring up concerns, he listened to you and was nice about it and and respectful.

SPEAKER_01 18:05

Uh, pretty much. Although I want to say, like, we kind of like met halfway for most of the part. He didn't really particularly drive to me. Um but yeah, he would schedule plans, he would um get everything ready ahead of time, which I greatly appreciated. So I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 18:25

Okay, great. Okay. And then before him, what was dating like? You said you took like six months off. What does taking a break look like for you?

SPEAKER_01 18:33

Um taking a break looks like not going on the app at all.

SPEAKER_00 18:39

Okay, great. Yeah, that's a good way to take. I I think that's a very smart way to take a break. I think that makes sense. People take breaks all the time from the dating apps. They're a lot. And is this where you found this guy in April? You found him on like one of the apps. Yeah. Okay, so you got back on. What brought you to going back on the app? How did you know it was time?

SPEAKER_01 18:58

I guess I was kind of thinking um more along the lines of I might as well give it a shot again. Or try and I don't know, like maybe maybe something will work. Maybe I think I was trying to get starting to probably hope a little bit again.

SPEAKER_00 19:20

Um, great, let's stop down there because this might be something that we can do in the future, which is let's bring in everything else so far. You're like really talking about there's a lot of intentionality, there's a lot of secure behavior behind that, right? Even even the way that things ended with this guy, you're not taking it personal, you know. There's there's no resentment or anger necessarily. Like there's frustration and annoyance. Sure, we can have that. But I can tell there's no like energy behind that.

SPEAKER_01 19:46

Yeah. Yeah. It's more like thank you for self-selecting.

SPEAKER_00 19:49

Exactly. That's

Taking Breaks With Real Intention

SPEAKER_00 19:50

what I love. You know, how I love that. Thank you for self-selecting. So in the future, let's say we took another break. Let's take, say we just took the summer off. What could we have done? What could we do moving forward to be a little bit more intentional about choosing whether or not we think we're ready? What parts could we talk to? Who needed to be uh conferred with? Like which one of your parts is throwing a temper tantrum right now? Because she said, excuse me, you did not ask me if we were ready to date yet. I didn't think to ask my parts, to be honest. I was molasses, girl. Trust me, they know you didn't think to ask them. Trust me. My exhausted, my exhausted part. You're like, ladies, come on now. Who's in charge here? Yeah. They're like, trust me, we are. I do believe, I would say my professional opinion is I will diagnose you with dating burnout. And it's my professional relationship coach opinion. And so does one recover from that. Yes. Recovering from burnout. Okay, so right, so let's keep this real. Um, I think I've shared before in the academy with you ladies, is I myself was going through my own personal burnout. I'm going through it right now. Right. I things were not working out the way that I was expecting for this year for different things. Uh, you know, for the business, for coaching, for the academy, for school, for my son. Like, and it was just like the harder I kept trying, the worse things were getting.

SPEAKER_01 21:22

That's exactly how I feel like.

SPEAKER_00 21:25

Yes. Yeah. And of course that's gonna cause burnout because it's like quicksand. Like the more you try, the quicker you you sink. And sometimes when it comes to that, what we have to do in burnout is just figure out a way to make intentional choices to actively heal the burnout and give it time. So our question isn't how long is this gonna take? Because if we have that energy going in, it's gonna take six times longer.

SPEAKER_01 21:56

That explains what's been going on.

SPEAKER_00 21:58

Because in that real Guard, you're not trying to heal the burnout. You're just trying to get through it faster to get to the other side. Which again, I will say, is pretty indicative of the fact that I think that really is to say you want a relationship. I I this question that started this, I just think it's there. It's the same thing. Like, if you were to ask me, do you want that? Like, Jen, do you seriously want to go get a PhD? I'd be like, I don't know. Sometimes in my headspace, if this is actually what I want. I don't know what I was thinking, bringing this on to my body. And then I stop and I check in and I talk to my parts and I meditate and I do everything it is that I need to do. And there is a part of me, is all the parts of me, it is myself that wants it so bad that I can feel it. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'm gonna fail. I'm afraid I'm not gonna get it. I'm afraid it's gonna exhaust me, and I'm afraid I'm gonna die in the process of doing it.

SPEAKER_01 22:51

You know what's interesting? For me, it was like I I had that at the beginning. And then it just pushed past that to now it's just like I'm just at the exhausted part. Yeah, I've I've I've pushed away past the um um the excitement and like the fear and just wanting to, which is kind of good, I felt like, because like to me, I didn't have those intense emotions, those intense feelings anymore. And it's like finally I can breathe a little bit. And now it's just like when I am breathing, it's like, do you I want to go back?

SPEAKER_00 23:29

Yes. And I think it's life is about trying to just find that balance of thinking. Like, even if at work, if at work you were having burnout, like if you go into your job burnt out and angry, people suffer. That's not okay. And my understanding is your profession has the highest number of burnouts that I know, which also maybe we could probably sit back and also, you know, armchair therapy, the fact if you chose this profession for a reason, because maybe your body seeks this kind of pattern of like exhaustion and burnout to some extent, but not a problem. I I say that from uh personal experience as an entrepreneur is a terrible choice in my lifetime. But I think we're like the second most people that burn out. Um, but it's the same, right? We we like to we like to be needed, we like to to be uh doing things, we like to feel like we're making a uh purpose and a cause and we're giving back, we have a high need for contribution, all this stuff is going on. But just so you understand, oh, okay, I'm going to be the type of human that sometimes does too much and I burn out. Can you hold that in your body without judgment or guilt? Is that possible?

SPEAKER_01 24:38

And I also want to give myself kudos because let me just say that um this has lasted for it took a many, many years before me to reach this level of burnout.

SPEAKER_00 24:48

Yes! Kudos! Exactly! Like it is that is I love that you said that for yourself too. Look at you. You've just come so far, and you could see how much you love yourself and how much you know you deserve this, and also you have time. Now,

Time Pressure And Fear Choices

SPEAKER_00 25:04

I'm gonna ask you this question: Is there a part of you that feels like you can't believe that? And I don't want to say feels like, right? Because you know what I'm like. Is a part of you that believes that um if you take a break from dating, like your clock is running out.

SPEAKER_01 25:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:18

Okay. Yeah, that was a pretty quick yeah. I think us as women, especially those in their later days, I say with quotes, like late 30s, whatever it is, we do get scared. We get scared of time. Don't get me wrong.

SPEAKER_01 25:32

I have genuinely thought about um freezing eggs a time or two.

SPEAKER_00 25:39

I recommend it to every woman. I think it is one of the single most easiest ways that we can take that off our plate. If you know how to do it and you have the monetary resources and you can 100% go freeze your eggs. I'm not kidding you. I say it to everyone because it is, we just live in such a different world today that, like, my best friend at the age of 43 just had twins. Like, do whatever you want with like independent women now. Like, there is no rush. The only thing that is slightly rushing us is biology. And even then, we have choices. So, yeah, we say that as a joke, but I know more and more strong independent women that are freezing their eggs more than anyone else I know because they know that they are in control. They know that they don't want to rush a bad relationship just to have the child, and also don't even get me started on the fact that, girl, one day we can make a choice, you can have a freaking baby without a boy. Shocker, right? There are options.

SPEAKER_01 26:37

That is true.

SPEAKER_00 26:38

Is it normal? No. Is it societally acceptable? Hell no. Would we all help you raise that baby? Yes, right? Because don't ever get in a relationship with a man just because you want a baby.

SPEAKER_01 26:51

Oh, for sure. I don't want to I don't want to deal with that drama, especially like or go have sex with Bunch at a par, go get knocked up, and then have a good time.

SPEAKER_00 27:00

Do you know what I mean? Like here we go. There we go. That is not uh official advice for anyone. Oh I do I do have a friend who uh got a divorce. This was years ago, who got a divorce and went on some rump springa, if you will, of just trying to live out her like early 20s as like a 40-year-old and accidentally got pregnant, and she's the happiest I've ever seen her. Like she had the baby and she loves it. I'm not again, I'm not saying to do that. What I'm saying is there's options. How do you want to live your best life?

SPEAKER_01 27:32

So true.

SPEAKER_00 27:35

Yeah. And the typical way is find the man, get married, have the house, have the baby. I know. But we can shake it up. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 27:49

All right, maybe I will do that.

SPEAKER_00 27:51

Do you have recommendations about I might let me uh I let me ask my friends, I might actually let me get them to you later on. Uh but yeah, also you you might like know of places too, but this probably Google like is also a pretty good resource. Uh, but uh yeah, like because here's why. If we live and make choices based on our anxiety, we're not going to be making healthy, secure choices. We're gonna be making choices out of fear. And choices out of fear typically they don't last. And they're not for our highest good, you know, they're not gonna fulfill us. We're gonna go and make that choice, and then we're gonna regret it, and we're gonna have resent, and then we're gonna have all this other stuff going on. We don't want to make, we don't want to just get into a relationship because we feel lonely. We want to get into a relationship because that person fulfills something inside of us. And so there's so many women, specifically anxiously attached women, that have so much depletion inside their body. Their needs are depleted, right? Their parts are all like screaming or they're hidden, and all this stuff is going. We've talked about your hidden parts before, and all this stuff is going on. And we're making these choices out of, oh, I'm afraid. So I don't even want you to like get off the dating apps because you're afraid. I want you to make intentional choices that say, I'm choosing to take a break from the dating app for right now until I feel safe in my body to pick it back up. And then there's gonna come a time and you're gonna check in. And I'm gonna just like I asked, like, well, what made you pick it back up? And you're like, I don't know. I just thought about it. No, okay, great. Next time, let's be more intentional. Let's sit down, let's have a meditation before you open it up. Maybe we have a coaching call. You say, okay, Jen. And I say, Great, let's talk to your parts. What do your parts think? Mmm, what's this one over here who wants a relationship? This one over here who doesn't. Which ones are scared? Who's coming up most? And let's like our bodies are just so powerful. And they're all knowing. It's really weird. It's that intuition that we have inside of ourselves.

SPEAKER_01 29:47

Yeah, let's try that. Let's I'm I'm I'm honestly genuinely curious about like, um, like what does that look like? Like that whole that whole session and um talking to those little parts. Can we do that now?

Meeting Maisie The Exhausted Part

SPEAKER_00 30:00

Yeah, let's take, well, let's take a little bit of time. Let's ask the parts of you right now um if they want to take a break from dating apps.

SPEAKER_01 30:09

I get yes and no.

SPEAKER_00 30:11

Okay, so let's see if we can pull up both to ask them to come forward.

SPEAKER_01 30:15

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 30:16

Now, is there any familiarity with um either of these two parts? Have we talked to them before or are they brand new?

SPEAKER_01 30:23

Molasses girl is there.

SPEAKER_00 30:25

Hi, molasses.

SPEAKER_01 30:27

Let's call her Maisie because hi Maisie.

SPEAKER_00 30:30

Molasses is a little bit and does Maisie want you to take a break or not want you to take a break from the dating apps?

SPEAKER_01 30:37

Oh, she wants me to take a break.

SPEAKER_00 30:40

Maisie wants you to take a break. Tell me more, Maisie. Why do you want her to take a break?

SPEAKER_01 30:44

This ain't going anywhere.

SPEAKER_00 30:46

Yeah. Yeah. It's not going anywhere. Tell me more about that. What do you mean it's not going anywhere?

SPEAKER_01 30:53

I think we're just not finding the the people. There's not much benefits to this. Um It's just you could be spending your time doing other things.

SPEAKER_00 31:10

Maisie wants to spend her time doing other things. What kind of things?

SPEAKER_01 31:15

Relaxing, crafting, nothing at all.

SPEAKER_00 31:20

I love that. Nothing at all. That sounds amazing. And she deserves that. And so do you.

SPEAKER_01 31:26

But we had a session of that when I came back from a vacation that was sick. I was doing nothing at all, I was bed surfing for like a good portion of like of that time.

SPEAKER_00 31:35

Yeah. Well, uh tell tell Maisie that. Say, Maisie, sometimes when I do nothing at all, I get bored. I didn't like it so much. What did she say to that?

SPEAKER_01 31:45

Oh, actually, no, I'm kind of saying, um, I don't think I would be bored with doing nothing at all. Reading sounds.

SPEAKER_00 31:50

Oh, sorry, the other way. The other way. Sorry, forgive me. You were like, Yes. I misheard that one. Okay, great. So yeah, talk to her and be like, you know what? I do like doing nothing. I like reading. And that's interesting. To you, reading is doing nothing.

SPEAKER_01 32:08

Oh, it could be a little bit of a winding right there.

SPEAKER_00 32:11

Mm-hmm. Reading to me is like it's like on my to-do list every day, and I never therapy. Oh, that's amazing. See, everyone's so different. I love that. But the act of thinking that's nothing, right?

SPEAKER_01 32:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 32:29

No, reading is powerful. It's art, it's creativity. It fills up those needs buckets. Maybe you have some depletion in some of those areas of your life.

SPEAKER_01 32:42

Exactly. I need to have more sexy audiobook time, more, more, more um, we don't need more dating apps.

SPEAKER_00 32:50

We more dating books. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Now, again, like all things, be careful because it's like porn for women and we don't want to start getting into like fantasies. You know what I mean? Like fantasies are good until we start thinking they should be reality. Excuse me, but why does he not against the wall?

SPEAKER_01 33:09

Exactly. And I think that was the thing that like um made it challenging in the beginning of my dating life. Like, why do these men not have why is this and then also like why is it so much more satisfying to be escaped into this world of um imagination fantasy versus living in reality?

SPEAKER_00 33:31

Oh, it's so much safer because in fantasy you control the world. You don't control this world, unfortunately. Very true, fantasy.

SPEAKER_01 33:42

It's all you, and then you start thinking, like, why can't I find a guy like this? Well, because fantasy.

SPEAKER_00 33:50

Exactly. They don't exist, exactly. And that's why we write about them because we want to have that. But the truth of the matter is humans are autonomous beings and they're interesting and they're flawed and they're not perfect. And it's okay to have fun beliefs and fantasies and watch things and read things and all that stuff, but we do want to be careful if when you are reading that stuff, is it is it bringing you down? Is it filling you up? What type of a person do you want to be? Like, if if you were to picture Courtney in a year from today, like what type of a person would she want to be? Who is she?

SPEAKER_01 34:29

I think I would want her to be, or she is someone who is um capable, uh responsible, someone who I think does have her own place, has somewhat of a semblance of her stuff together, and enjoys, is not afraid to go and do the things that she wants to do. Spend time with her friends, just I think happy and kind of like enjoying and loving life.

SPEAKER_00 35:17

Happy and enjoying and loving life. How far away do you think you are from that version of you right now on a scale from one to ten? Ten being you are that person and one being you're not that person.

SPEAKER_01 35:30

Eight.

SPEAKER_00 35:31

Okay, so you're pretty close.

SPEAKER_01 35:33

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 35:34

That's pretty good. So just a couple tweaks here and there, and I think you can get there.

SPEAKER_01 35:40

Except I need to get past the exhausted part to get them more just loving and enjoying life.

SPEAKER_00 35:49

Get past the exhaustive part is still saying that Maisie I'm assuming that's Maisie is a problem. You have to get past her. What if you integrate her? What if you listen to her more?

SPEAKER_01 36:12

Tell me more.

SPEAKER_00 36:13

What if you can be more capable and more responsible and make better decisions and have fun and time with your friends and be happy and enjoying and loving life because you're taking more breaks. Because you're listening to what Maisie has to say. What does she say right now?

SPEAKER_01 36:30

I'm tired.

SPEAKER_00 36:32

Oh yes. What does she need? I don't know. Let's ask her. Does she not know?

SPEAKER_01 36:45

I don't think she knows.

SPEAKER_00 36:47

I'm wondering, has she ever maybe she's never really been asked that before. What do you need, Maisie? If you've never been asked what you need and somebody just says, What do you need? If all you've ever known is how to complain and how to push against and how to say no, no, no, no, and then someone says, Okay, great, I'm listening to you. What do you need? What? You mean I'm allowed to have an opinion? So maybe part of this is getting to know Maisie more and getting her to a place where she feels safe to tell you what she needs.

SPEAKER_01 37:16

Oh, interesting. Now I feel a little bit of guilt for that.

SPEAKER_00 37:21

Okay. Just ease the guilt. Grab it. Uh-huh. Guilt is not inherently bad, so long as it doesn't sit in the body for too long. Guilt is our conscious. Guilt says, oops.

SPEAKER_01 37:35

Yeah, I think I was telling that part of just like I think seeing that it's there. I think I thought I was um doing what she was requesting, which is not doing much. And I have been doing that. So it's like I have been listening to her in that regard.

SPEAKER_00 37:59

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 38:00

But it's also like we're still not there yet.

SPEAKER_00 38:06

Yeah, because you're putting a time frame on it. Okay, remember we've talked about this before, but if you have a kid who comes up to you and wants attention, do you give them attention to push them away? Or do you give them attention because you love them and you want to give them attention?

SPEAKER_01 38:26

I think I was pushing away. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 38:29

And we all, I mean, we all do this a lot, so that's no problem, right? No guilt, no nothing there. But it's a good way to look at it, which is in terms of if we have like some kid and they're screaming or they're crying or they're trying to get attention, if only reason why we're giving them attention is to get them to shut up or to get them to go away, there's an energy to that, and they can feel it, and it's not real, it's not authentic. If the only reason why you're talking to this part of you that's stuck in the molasses is to just get her to hurry up and get out of it and stop being exhausted, then she's going to dig her heels in deeper. Because that's not integration at that point in time, that's bypassing.

SPEAKER_01 39:05

That makes sense. So, like even if you're doing um what she is requesting essentially because you're not acknowledging. That's interesting, though, to see that part and to love that part. Because I think for me, I think I was thinking of that part as inconvenient or just stuck in the exhaustion because I think I was exhausted for so long.

SPEAKER_00 39:28

Yeah. Now I just hear that real quick. As she's an inconvenience. Oh, you yawned. That was a release for you. You yawn sometimes when you have a somatic feeling come up. We've talked about that before. Was it was that anything for you right there that came up or just kind of random?

SPEAKER_01 39:52

Just kind of um maybe the inconvenience aspect too. It's interesting that I've also been having like somatic um reactions to just thinking about other things too, like um doing a little bit of somatic reprocessing for like relationships, like saying, like, I'm safe to be in a relationship. I am like all of that. Um like I'm safe to be physical with um my partner. I am safe to be in a relationship with my partner. And it's like I feel this tingling all on the top of my head whenever I do that. So I I always thought that was really interesting.

SPEAKER_00 40:30

That is really interesting. I like that. I also want to I just noticed the

The “I’m An Inconvenience” Wound

SPEAKER_00 40:34

time. I know I need to wrap this up for today. We could talk more next week, but I really want to focus a little bit on this thing where you said it's an inconvenience because something happened there. I felt the energy shift. You yawned, and I just felt like that was an important word. And I'm just wondering, is that a word you've ever heard said about you before? Is it a familiar feeling at all?

SPEAKER_01 40:54

I think it is a familiar thing in that I think it's not necessarily a word that other people may have said to me, but it's I think the energy that I felt occasionally from other people. Yeah. So if anything, it's maybe a word that I have associated with me.

SPEAKER_00 41:17

Yeah. There's parts of you that you think they are just an inconvenience to you. If they could just go away, then your life would be easier. Yeah. Oh.

SPEAKER_01 41:29

Yeah. Then I'm wondering if I think I am an inconvenience. Oh, I probably do.

SPEAKER_00 41:35

There it is. You know, it brings up something I remember a lot, maybe like last year or so we talked about back, I think, when I was still doing Friday 15s in the group. There was a time you had asked me if, like, is it okay that I still come to these? Like, am I? And I feel like you even maybe use that word. Like, is this like an inconvenience to you? It's like you've like had this like belief inside of you that you were just like inconveniencing me, just like who you are, your person is inconveniencing me. Ah, and that hits different than I'm a bother, right? That's my my biggest wound is I'm a bother. One of my big parts that I have is she's constantly telling me, like, stop it, you're annoying people, right? Like, so like that's my part that I have for the rest of my life, and I always have to talk with her and befriend her and talk to her. Loving these yawns coming out of you. I really think we hit on something big here. As I'm wrapping us up, let's keep an eye on this. I am an inconvenience, or even just my parts are an inconvenience, which your parts are part of you, and so that's all kind of one of the same. And I'm just wondering if try this on for size, if you will.

SPEAKER_01 42:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 42:40

But what if you tried an affirmation this week that said, I am a benefit to people? Or even my exhaustion, my exhaustive part. Maisie is a benefit to me. And can you find evidence for that?

SPEAKER_01 42:58

Okay. It it almost feels a little bit foreign, to be honest. Like the aspect of like I am a benefit. It feels a little bit foreign.

SPEAKER_00 43:08

Yes. So play with it this week, see if something else comes out better. Because sometimes when you start talking to your parts and you start talking to yourself, you figure out better words and better things for yourself than I could ever come up for you.

SPEAKER_01 43:19

This is so interesting. So it could be that this is in fact related to that, which is so related to my feelings with um uh Maisie being exhausted, with also I think it's also related to like dating, too, actually, as in like it's an inconvenience. It is, and so I think that it that wound that I have is not only a part of myself, that is probably what Maisie is, potentially, and that is the thing that is preventing. Me from kind of going forward. Not only in dating, but keeping myself stuck in that area, that mindset of oh, this is so time consuming, or oh, this is exhausting. All of that.

SPEAKER_00 44:21

Yeah. Let me ask you this. If it's the bird and the branch and all of that again. If the bird is sitting on a branch and the branch breaks, is that an inconvenience to her? This is my branch. Yeah. I love that. What would you do then in that moment?

SPEAKER_01 44:54

Um I would actually probably just left.

SPEAKER_00 44:58

Okay, well, there's a beautiful pawn response right there. Instead of saying to someone, no, sweetheart, I'm allowed on this branch. I don't no, no, thank you. Right? We have we have new tools in our toolbox for you to start really showing up for yourself in these ways where you don't have to people please. You don't have to mold yourself. You don't have to leave the branch. You are not an inconvenience to anyone else's life. You get to take up space.

SPEAKER_01 45:22

I'm wondering if actually the inconvenience is in relation to the people pleasing.

SPEAKER_00 45:26

But I bet it is. Because you don't want to be an inconvenience. I mean, uh for like for me, the biggest one is like I'm a burden or I'm annoyed, I am difficult. I mean, oftentimes then I will mask and I will people please, and I will smile when I don't feel like smiling, you know, things like that to try to be like and so those, and that's fine. Again, in those moments we can make those choices, but if it gets to a place where it's causing us like intense pain or exhaustion or burnout, that's just that's just we just want to check in with ourselves and be like, oh, thank you, body. That's interesting for teaching me that I'm burning out right now. Because I'll tell you right now, if you don't listen to this part of you, it will manifest in other ways. It'll manifest in pain, it'll manifest in bodily issues, it'll manifest in any of our mental health getting worse. Like it just happens. So I love that you're listening to this.

SPEAKER_01 46:14

Not only that, because I think a lot of the times that we think of incommunities as something that, or like people please need as like a heightened emotion where you have high energy, but it can also be low energy.

SPEAKER_00 46:26

Yes. I love that. Yeah. Okay, well, let's wrap us up there because I just have to be mindful of the time. But let's keep looking at this. Try some. Well, let me hear from you. What do you want to work on this week? What are we working towards?

SPEAKER_01 46:38

I think I'm gonna go. Um, I'm curious to see what the effect of doing some somatic reprocessing on and the opposite of inconvenience and seeing if my energy comes back.

SPEAKER_00 46:50

Perfect. I love that so much. All right, that is so perfect. I will write that down in our notes and we will catch up next week and see how that's going, okay?

SPEAKER_01 46:59

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 46:59

All right, take care.

SPEAKER_01 47:01

Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 47:02

Bye.

Integration Over Bypassing

SPEAKER_00 47:09

All right. So today we talked about a lot, but it all came back to one core idea. The parts of you that feel exhausting or inconvenient are not problems to get past. They are parts of you that have never been asked what they need. They've never been given attention. See, so many of us move through life trying to manage our more difficult parts. We acknowledge them just enough to get them to quiet down and go away, and then we try to just keep moving. But the thing about that is that's not really integration. That's more bypassing. And those parts of us, they know the difference. They can feel whether we are listening to them because we love them, or whether we are listening to them just to get them to shut up. It's a big difference. And when we approach the exhausted, burnt out, resistant parts of ourselves with the energy of hurry up, hurry up, get this over with, well, then they have a way of digging their heels in deeper. And it becomes kind of like quicksand. The harder we push, the more we sink. And the longer that goes on, the more it starts to manifest in our bodies, in our choices, and in our patterns in relationships. The shift happens when we stop treating those parts like obstacles and start treating them like information. Now, if you are a coach or a practitioner, or you're just curious why I asked the questions that I do, then I want to talk about that a little bit. See, when Courtney used the word inconvenience towards the end of our session, something really clicked there for me and I didn't want to move past it. I slowed down and I named it. And I asked her some questions you might have noticed, like, hey, does that feel familiar? And what I was looking for in that moment was whether the belief that she is an inconvenience was something external, like something other than what people had said to her, or something that she had internalized about herself. Because those two things require very different approaches in the room. And what we found was that she had absorbed this belief, this core belief of I am an inconvenience. Not because someone had explicitly been saying this to her for years, but because she had felt the energy of that her whole life. And that is really how often our deepest wounds work. They don't always come from something someone else said explicitly. They come from something we feel and then decide, oh, that must be true about us. For anyone who works with clients, that is the moment to slow down, which can feel challenging when you are already running late on time. But it's actually wild how many times the most important part of our sessions come in the last five minutes. It's just how it works sometimes. But now, as we are wrapping up for the week, I do just want to say this. If you are listening and thinking, I know I'm burnt out, I know I need to rest, but I just can't stop. I can't stop pushing myself. Then girl, you are not alone. That is one of the hardest loops to get out of, especially for women who have tied their worth to productivity, to showing up, and to being needed. The exhaustion makes sense. What your nervous system is doing makes sense. And there is a way through it that does not require you to white knuckle your way to the other side. The Speak Honest Academy is where we actually do this work together. We get into our parts, we do the somatic work, we have the real-time conversations that help you move from just knowing something to actually living it. Now we have weekly group coaching sessions, an incredible community of women, if I do say so myself, and courses built for exactly this kind of growth. Because understanding burnout does not heal burnout. All right. I want you to hear that again. Understanding burnout does not heal the burnout. Feeling safe enough to rest does. Now you can find all of this information over at speakhonestacademy.com or simply by clicking on the link in the show notes. Now, the one thing I want you to walk away with this week is this the parts of you that feel inconvenient deserve the same care as the parts of you that are easy to love. And this week I want you to try something. Pick

Weekly Practice And Closing

SPEAKER_00 51:43

just one part of yourself that you have been trying to push past, and instead of asking it to go away and hurry up and get out of your way, just pause and ask it what it needs. Sit with it for just a few minutes, see what comes up. And if nothing comes up, that's okay too. Because sometimes the first step is just letting that part know it is allowed to have an answer. All right, ladies, I will speak with you all next week. Take care. As we wrap up today's conversation, always remember that healing is a journey, not a destination. And it is an honor to be a part of your healing journey. If you want to dig deeper into the topics we covered today, be sure to head over to our show notes, where you can find all of the valuable information mentioned in today's episode right there. And please remember to rate, review, and subscribe if you enjoyed today's podcast. Your feedback means the world to us and helps others discover our podcast. Until next time, remember to speak up and speak honest.