[00:00:00] Monica: Welcome friend. If you've ever set the alarm to wake up early, only to press snooze 15 times in the morning. If you've wanted to create healthy habits, but keep sabotaging yourself. If you want to make changes in your life, but nothing ever changes, then this episode is for you. We're talking all things resistance, procrastination, avoidance, and self sabotage.
[00:01:29] And in today's episode, I'll share why it's not laziness or a lack of discipline, but something else that's stopping us from achieving our goals. Now before we begin, let's take a long, slow exhale together.
[00:01:46] Now I have an embarrassing habit that I need to confess. I often buy things I don't use. It's terribly wasteful, I know, but sometimes I can't help myself. I've bought equipment and gadgets that I've never used, books that I've never read, I've even paid for training courses that I've started but not finished.
[00:02:07] It's a terrible waste. And the one thing that These items have in common, they're things that I thought would lead to some sort of improvement. Things I thought that would lead to some sort of change or benefit in my life. I had the best intentions at the time, but these things just gathered dust or took up space on my credit card statement.
[00:02:29] Does this sound familiar? I'm also the type of person to get really excited about new projects and ideas, but don't follow through. I've got tons of energy to start new projects, but really struggle to finish a lot of the things that I start. And you know what I've come to realize? It's the same thing stopping me every time.
[00:02:53] It's the same reason I don't use things I buy, I don't finish things I start. Or I don't follow through on great ideas, it's resistance. I'm gonna share a quote from Steven Pressfield. Most of us have two lives, the life we live and the unlived life within us and between the two stands. Resistance.
[00:03:21] Resistance is that invisible force that stops us from doing the things that we want to do, like quitting a health routine after two weeks because it's too hard, like sitting on the couch watching TV instead of learning salsa dancing, even though we love dancing. It's things like staying home instead of meeting new people, even though we're lonely.
[00:03:43] And resistance is the voice that talks us out of doing the things that we actually want to do. It's those little deals and the bargaining that we do with ourselves to justify our self sabotage. And the most common forms of resistance are procrastination, I'll start tomorrow, I'll start next week, I'll start next month.
[00:04:08] And distraction, I'll just check my emails, I'll just put a load of washing on. I'll just finish this thing. And resistance is found in the gap between where we are now and where we want to be. And the reason we give into resistance instead of pursuing our higher goals? Because it feels good in the moment.
[00:04:31] Sleeping in feels better than getting up early and going to yoga. Online shopping feels better than sitting quietly to meditate. We tell ourselves that a few glasses of pinot won't hurt even though we know we'll be dusty in the morning. And here's how it works for me. I'll discover some cool new thing that promises to make my life better or easier in some way.
[00:04:55] I get really excited about it and make a commitment, either time or money or both. I throw myself into this new thing, and then when I don't get the instant results that I wanted, I give up and go back to my old ways. Instant gratification is the accomplice of resistance. Instant gratification is what keeps us stuck.
[00:05:20] And there's a really interesting study that was done in the 1960s called the Stanford Marshmallow Experiment. And these researchers uncovered one of the single most important factors that predicts our success in life is our ability to delay gratification. So the experiment went like this. Four year old children were left alone in a room for several minutes, and they were told that if they didn't eat the marshmallow that was on the table, they would be rewarded with two marshmallows later.
[00:05:52] These kids faced a really simple choice. Eat one marshmallow now or have two marshmallows later. And most kids went for instant gratification and ate the first marshmallow. And what's really fascinating is that research has followed up with those children 40 years later to measure their success in a number of life areas.
[00:06:16] And the research has found that the children who are willing to delay gratification and waited to receive the second marshmallow ended up having higher academic scores. Lower levels of substance abuse, lower likelihood of obesity, better responses to stress, better social skills as reported by their parents, and generally better scores in a range of whole other life measures.
[00:06:42] And this raises a key point. It's our ability to overcome temptation and delay instant gratification that leads to the successful achievement of our goals. And how often do we give up because we don't get instant results? Our resistance, the gap between where we are now and where we want to be, is fueled by instant gratification.
[00:07:07] So if we can delay gratification, we can bridge that gap faster. This means doing the work now to receive the rewards later, investing now so we can reap the dividends later. And this is the trap that most of us have fallen into at some time, especially in our yoga practice, because instant rewards don't last.
[00:07:33] And lasting rewards aren't instant, so it can take months to reap the benefits of a regular yoga practice. And in those first few months, we're likely to encounter the voice of resistance telling us it's not worth the time, it's not worth the effort, it's not working. But just so you know, bamboo, which is renowned for its exponential growth, actually takes two years to establish its roots beneath the surface before its instant growth spurt.
[00:08:03] Yoga's no different. Getting stuck in a yoga rut and feeling like we're not making progress can seem like a good reason to quit. But life works in cycles of expansion and contraction. Nature, economics, relationships. Trees don't fruit or flower all year round. A bull share market is followed by a bear market.
[00:08:28] The honeymoon phase in relationships doesn't last. And an exhale always follows an inhale. Now I'm recording this episode in January and the yoga studio is filled with new faces and old faces coming out of the woodwork after a long hiatus. And many of these people will have set goals, resolutions or intentions for the year.
[00:08:51] Some of us will succeed, but the statistics show that many of us will fail. And it really boils down to this. Do I want to feel good now, or later? Can I delay feeling good now, so that I have a better thing later?
[00:09:09] We all encounter resistance, and what's really interesting is why we resist the things that we know are good for us. Things that we know we like and we know that we'll feel better for after. And I can tell you there's been many, many times that I've had to really drag myself onto my yoga mat because I didn't feel like it.
[00:09:32] Yet I always feel good afterwards. So even after, I think it's what, 16 years now of yoga that I've been practicing, there's many, many times I don't feel like doing but I do it because I know it's a good thing to do. I do it for that delayed gratification. And often the times when I don't want to get onto my yoga mat, I'm usually avoiding something.
[00:09:55] I don't want to feel my emotions or I don't want to deal with something in my mind or some problem. And that's the thing about yoga, it can Make us face up to what's really going on on the inside, and sometimes that's uncomfortable. Well, it is for me anyway. So, while conventional wisdom would have us believe that we just need to try harder, we need to be more disciplined and use our willpower, there's a deeper reason we resist doing things that are in our best interest.
[00:10:24] And resistance can show up in many forms. It's like buying a yoga membership and not going to class even though we know we'll feel better afterwards. It's like buying a heap of healthy foods only to leave them rotting in the fridge while we order Uber Eats again. That's definitely been me. Uh, buying a book or a course or a program and never using it.
[00:10:45] Or deciding on a budget only to max out our credit card a few days later. I'm no stranger to resistance, and I've done all of these things too. And I'm not trying to shame you for feeling resistance, instead I want to normalize it, and give you an alternative perspective on the issue. It's not because we're lazy or lacking in willpower, there's something else at play here.
[00:11:12] We resist change for a good reason, even if that change is good for us, even if we're the ones to initiate that change, even if we have a really strong motivation for change. And when we fail to follow through on a change that we've initiated, it's really common to criticize ourselves and call ourselves lazy, unmotivated, or stupid.
[00:11:34] But self criticism never works. And it certainly doesn't drive behavioural change, the opposite is true. All that self criticism and judgment do is shames us, makes us feel worse. And when we feel shame and when we feel bad, we're less likely to take action and do the things that are going to lead to our goals.
[00:11:56] the deeper reason that we resist change is not laziness or a lack of willpower, that's just superficial. The deeper reason we find it hard to change is due to a lack of congruence between our conscious mind and our subconscious mind, The conscious mind represents about 5% of our brain, and the subconscious mind represents about 95%. All of our. habits and tendencies and patterns and memories and feelings all reside in our subconscious mind. Our conscious mind just represents the things that we're currently aware of, and that's where we do a lot of our goal setting and planning, but it's actually our subconscious mind that does the follow through.
[00:12:44] And a really useful metaphor to understand our two minds is the rider and the elephant. So the rider sits on top of the elephant and provides direction. The rider represents our conscious mind and it has a plan for the direction in which we want to move. The elephant represents our subconscious mind and is the energy, power and motivation required to move forward.
[00:13:12] Now if our rider and elephant want to move in different directions, the elephant will always win as it's far stronger and more powerful than the rider. Now the rider, our conscious mind, is motivated by seeking happiness, satisfaction, growth, learning, development, those sorts of things. By contrast, our elephant is motivated by safety and security.
[00:13:40] So if our elephant senses danger, or feels threatened, it won't cooperate. It won't budge. And this is known as a subconscious block, where our subconscious mind is sabotaging our efforts. So think of it this way, our conscious mind is the goal setter, but it's our subconscious mind that's the goal getter.
[00:14:04] And since our subconscious mind is more powerful than our conscious mind, it drives most of our behaviours. And this is why we can set these really lofty goals or have great plans, but fail to follow through on them. This is why we sabotage ourselves, because our two minds want different things. And no amount of force will move our elephant if it feels unsafe.
[00:14:31] So if you ever feel like you take one step forward and two steps back, if you feel like you're driving with one foot on the accelerator and the other foot on the brake, expending a lot of energy but not getting anywhere, This could be why. Now there's a number of reasons why our elephant won't budge.
[00:14:50] And the first one is fear of change. So deep down at our nervous system level, at the level of our subconscious mind, we have a craving for routine, habit, and predictability. Our nervous system prefers the familiar and is scared of the unknown and the unfamiliar. And any change, including change that's good for us, is scary for our nervous system because it's unknown.
[00:15:18] You see, our nervous system's job is to keep us safe. It's not particularly interested in our happiness, growth, or development. It just senses a threat and responds accordingly. So even though our current situation might be less than desirable, from the elephant's perspective, it's safer than the unknown.
[00:15:42] So rather than whipping, or punishing, or cajoling our elephant to move forward, it's better to go slow, acknowledge that change can be scary, and show some self compassion. Also rewarding ourselves for our progress rather than ourselves when we stumble. Because a criticized elephant won't feel safe and it won't cooperate.
[00:16:06] Gratitude is a far better motivator than criticism. And in Dan Sullivan's book, The Gap and the Gain, he talks about how powerful gratitude is to move us towards our goal. So let's say we had a goal of ten. Ten what? It doesn't matter, just it's an arbitrary amount. And our starting point is zero. And after a few months of effort, we reach seven.
[00:16:32] Sullivan suggests that if we focus on how much we've gained and celebrate going from 0 to 7, we will stay more motivated and more likely to achieve our goals than if we focus on the gap and felt bad about how far we needed to come to reach 10. So often when We fail to reach our goal, we don't acknowledge how far we've actually come.
[00:16:56] And sometimes we just need a bit more time to achieve our goal. But if we feel like a failure, if we shame ourselves for not quite getting there, it's going to keep us stuck, because our elephant is going to feel unsafe, and we want to keep our elephant motivated, we want to keep our elephant working with us, rather than against us.
[00:17:16] Another reason our elephant won't barge is a fear of success. Sometimes we're actually afraid of getting what we want. And I know it sounds silly, but it's actually really common. And we can fear success for several reasons, but often it's to do with what we perceive to be the negative consequences of our success.
[00:17:38] We worry that if we achieve our goals, we might lose something else. We might lose friendships. We might attract criticism or negative attention. we might have to let go of our old selves. Or we might realize that being successful might upset some delicate balance in our lives.
[00:18:00] And the third reason why our elephant may struggle to move is Feeling unworthy. So deep down, some of us feel like we don't deserve to be happy, healthy, or successful. And when we feel like we're not good enough, our elephant will sabotage our subconscious efforts. If we've experienced any trauma in our lives, this may have left a legacy of feeling deeply flawed and unworthy of good things.
[00:18:29] And this core belief of unworthiness will influence all aspects of our life and will act like inner thermostat, keeping us in a state of struggle. And if our thermostat setting is low, we're going to have a really hard time getting what we want because our inner setting doesn't believe that we deserve it.
[00:18:49] We will just keep getting the same results that we always get because of that internal setting. Uncovering and healing our core wounds is deep inner work and is best done with guidance and support. So if you realize that your elephant is holding you back, If you realize that your subconscious mind might be blocking your progress, here's a couple of questions that you can ask yourself and your elephant to get a sense of what's really going on.
[00:19:19] So when we notice that we're resisting the things that are good for us, these questions will help us to understand how our elephant is feeling. So the first one, what's the worst thing that could happen to me if I was successful?
[00:19:33] Would getting fit and healthy alienate me from my friends? Would it change my relationship? Would I attract unwanted attention? Or would I feel perhaps more visible and less safe? Is there some other negative consequences that there's some other downside to me being successful? The second question to ask our elephant, what am I afraid will be revealed if I make this change?
[00:20:01] And I hear this often with meditation in particular. What if I realize that I hate my job? What if I realize I'm unhappy in my relationship? What if I realize my current situation is unworkable and I need to take action?
[00:20:20] These underlying fears are often at the root of the resistance that we feel, and sometimes it feels easier to bury our heads in the sand rather than deal with life head on. The third reason third question rather to ask our elephant is deep down Do I feel worthy of this change?
[00:20:43] If our answer is no, we're presented with a powerful clue as to why we resist change And if you choose to do the inner work to release this limiting belief, it might just be the most rewarding thing you ever do Lasting and sustainable change is made at the level of the subconscious mind. Our conscious mind and its tools of willpower and discipline can only take us so far.
[00:21:11] Understanding our underlying emotions and healing our core wounds will help our two minds to become congruent, which means that they move forward in the same direction. Otherwise, it can feel like we're driving with one foot on the accelerator and the other one on the brake, burning out and not getting anywhere.
[00:21:32] And this is the deep work that we do in yoga alchemy. So remember, yoga isn't just about the poses. Yoga can help us to know ourselves on a deeper level. And when we know better, we do better. Yoga doesn't just make us more flexible. It increases our capacity to deal with life. And the other thing about yoga that a lot of people overlook is how it regulates our nervous system.
[00:22:00] And since our elephant is primarily motivated by feelings of safety and security, It's really important that we know how to regulate our nervous system in times of stress. Because when we're distressed, when we're in that fight or flight response of the nervous system, we'll find it really hard to stick to our goals because the fear center of our brain, the amygdala, will take over.
[00:22:25] And this means that we will try anything to soothe ourselves and help ourselves feel better. This might look like eating a whole tub of ice cream, opening that second bottle of wine, or texting our ex because we crave the familiarity. None of these things are in our best interest long term, but they serve an immediate need for familiarity and soothing.
[00:22:52] And this is how we sabotage ourselves. So if we can learn to create safety in our nervous system, and build our tolerance for stress, we're much less likely to indulge in those old ways of soothing that detract from our conscious goals. We're much less likely to resist the things that we know are good for us.
[00:23:15] If we have a stressful day at work, or have an argument with a loved one, we can automatically fall into those negative patterns. But with just a little bit of self awareness and practice, we can learn to calm ourselves after a stressful event, so that our elephant doesn't freeze. If you ever find yourself in deep procrastination, it's not laziness.
[00:23:41] It's a sign our nervous system needs soothing. If we've been exposed to chronic, ongoing stress, or if we've experienced trauma in our lives, our nervous system can go into the freeze state, or dorsal vagal shutdown. And this is where we can feel numb, dissociated, just going through the motions in life.
[00:24:04] It's like the lights are on but nobody's home. And even though we can hold down a job and pay bills in this frozen state, it's really hard to make positive changes in our life because our elephant is paralyzed and frozen by fear. So, despite our best efforts to achieve our conscious goals, we need to ensure that our elephant feels safe to move forward with us, otherwise it won't budge and it will continue to sabotage us.
[00:24:31] And no amount of discipline and willpower is a match for the elephant. Now, the thing with nervous system work is that it's not a one and done thing that we just check the box. It's a lifestyle change, and it's very hard to heal and grow when we're stuck in survival mode. And if our lifestyle or external circumstances are causing huge amounts of distress, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but no amount of yoga or meditation will help.
[00:25:04] We need to deal with our stresses. We need to make those external changes that support us to be able to move forward in having the life that we really want. And over the last 10 years of running a yoga studio, I've had the real privilege of being a part of our clients lives for over a decade. I've watched them navigate life's ups and downs and have seen so many make big lifestyle changes to live life according to their values.
[00:25:34] And that's the beauty of yoga. People start yoga to get fit and flexible, but if they stay for a year, they really change their lives from the inside out. Little by little, they start making small changes in their lives because they're feeling better. Their nervous system's calm. They start eating better and sleeping better.
[00:25:57] Their mindset is more positive, they connect with themselves and get really clear on what matters in their life. They leave toxic jobs or relationships because they can no longer tolerate poor treatment. They learn to set boundaries and speak up for themselves. They start living life according to their values and suddenly they look in the mirror and smile because they love themselves and the life they've created.
[00:26:26] So if you've been wanting to make some changes in your life, whether it's health, relationships, finances, or career, regular yoga will ensure your nervous system stays calm and your elephant feels safe enough to move forward with you. And if you catch yourself sabotaging your goals, ask yourself these questions.
[00:26:47] Does my elephant need soothing right now? What am I afraid of? And what are the negative consequences to me achieving my goals? For example, am I worried about what other people will think of me? And if you need soothing, or if your elephant is afraid, do some gentle yoga and breath work to calm yourself.
[00:27:11] And right now, we have a massive sale on our VIP annual membership. You get 12 months of unlimited yoga. And 86 percent of our annual members said that paying up front kept them accountable, and they attended way more classes than they thought they would. 95 percent of our annual members paused their pass and appreciated how flexible we are to start and stop their membership based on what's going on in their lives.
[00:27:41] And you also saved 75 percent on all our workshops and courses. So if you love learning about the mind and the nervous system, you could save yourself some serious dollars on these upcoming workshops like Unwind the Psoas, Practical Anxiety Relief, and Yoga for Menopause. These are just a couple that are coming up in the next few months.
[00:28:04] Our VIP annual members get advanced booking access so they can book classes months in advance and never have to worry about missing out on popular classes. And you also get five free five class passes to give to your friends and family so you can practice yoga with your loved ones. Normally 2, 000, this is on sale for 1, 400.
[00:28:27] And if you buy before the 15th of January, you're going to get an extra month for free. This works out to be 25 a week for unlimited yoga with all the extra perks. And if you're interested in yoga alchemy, the doors for the next round will be opening soon. So if you're serious about changing your life and turning your wounds into wisdom, then pop your email on the wait list to save 500 off the next round.
[00:28:53] Now my intention for this episode was to shed some light on why discipline and willpower aren't the answer to achieving our goals, and how calming our nervous system will help us overcome resistance and self sabotage. Yoga is the tool that can help us bridge the gap between the person we are now and the person we want to be.
[00:29:16] Until next time my friend, keep calm.