20 - Communicating with Significant Others | The Sleepy Sisters Podcast

Let's talk about how communication helps build intimacy AND how hard it is to do in relationships that really matter to you.

Sleepy Sisters podcast is hosted by Elizabeth Brink and Sarah Durham. This show is unedited and often unprepared for, so we hope you enjoy our resistance to perfection!
www.thrivingsistercoaching.com
www.kattywhompous.com

Transcript

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This. What were you saying? I was like, this is the definition of winging it. Yeah, unprepared, last minute, no prep. This is the sleepy sisters Podcast. I'm Elizabeth brink, and I'm Sarah Durham, and we just decided to hop on and chat today about communication in relationships, and I didn't know what you're talking about, and I said, What are we talking about? And she said, couples communication like I bet there's a story there. What? No, I just have topics that just come to me with the holidays and family being there and all of that. No, no, please don't help me. Sorry. Anyway, yeah, so yes, I have this on my mind, partly, mostly, because Cory and I have started couples therapy, and we've never done it before, and we'll be celebrating 10 years married in January, and it's been really interesting. What's funny is that I started out by reaching out to this therapist who we had met at an event, and both of us really liked this person, and so I reached out and was like, we have individual therapists. Like, I'm doing all these trainings. We're gonna be really fun to work with. Oh, God, I don't know why I said it. It was like, we go, right? You know how to do therapy? Okay, yes. But then we went in for like, second session, and it was, like, the day after the election, and we got in a fight on the way to the to the office, and we got there, and it just keeps ringing in my head. Me, having written these words, I think we'd be really fun to work with. I'm like, we this is, like, no, what does that mean to be fun to work with? You mean, because you have, like, fun problems and you're ready to dig in and, yeah, kind of like, I'm self aware and yeah, like, I think about when I have clients that come in, and they're they understand kind of how this works, and they have some stuff that they know they want to work on, and they're really open to self reflection, right? Like, there's these elements that make somebody, yeah, perfect. Fun to work with. Ready to dig in. Be curious, yeah, yeah, absolutely. It does make a huge difference. They know how to partner with the practitioner, like they Yeah, and so I think I had that kind of in in mind, but like, it just keeps ringing in my head because it's like, did I say that? Because there's a lot about what we're bringing that doesn't feel fun at all. And we're meeting this guy like midweek, at six o'clock in the evening, and so also thinking about how he's ending his day. These people he thought were going to be fun, but here we are. Well, what makes you think you're not fun? I know I think, yeah, anyway, it's been really good experience. It's only been, like a month and a half that we've been going but I think one of the things I didn't expect was getting to kind of observe my significant other in this like, vulnerable state and processing with a practitioner and like, it's really neat to, like, bear witness to the moments when, like, they are connecting and talking about something. It just like, makes me see Corey differently. I don't know it's it is a surprising benefit is, like, also being in each other's presence when we're working on stuff, because we don't go to each other's therapy. You know, absolutely, I think anytime you get a chance to be in any type of community with your significant other, and you're you get to be an observer of, like, not just the vulnerable parts, but guess that, and then also their funny parts and their charismatic and all of that and so. And I think when you have stuff that you're working on, which is everybody for all time, okay, I think it probably, I mean, I just think some of the stuff that we've done together in the past as a couple in this area, there is a hopefulness and kind of, when you see them willing to kind of dig or lean into that. I. Which may not show up in arguments, or when there's conflict, because no one is if space is like for that to happen, because the dynamic is just what it is. Yeah, it's you see them differently. You see your conflict differently. You see how they're trying to show up in the best way, because we've always made, I mean, I know for myself. Can you make these judgments about, oh, I'm over here doing the work, okay? And then, you know, and they could be too, but it's the dynamic is a whole other organism, yeah? So that's really sometimes very difficult to carve out as a couple in your home with all of the pressures. So when you see them working on stuff, you're like, oh, yeah, okay. Like, man, why can't I see this more at home? And well, there's probably a different reason. I would love to go to couples therapy. I think that is definitely on my list of to do's we did, like, marriage thing, you know, right before COVID happened, where it was, like a meeting with, like, couples and stuff like that. And it was really, really good for our marriage. And I think because of what you just described, like, watching my partner admit his shortcomings for other people in a vulnerable way and be upset about it. You know, you don't always see that. A lot of times there's defensiveness wrapped around that and things like that, and you're like, okay, yeah, like this, you feel some type of way about this, obviously, right? Yeah, yeah. It's so interesting how it, like, softens you toward them, right? Like, there's this, like, for me, there is this, like, visceral in my body softening, like, even as you're talking about that, I'm thinking, I'm feeling that way, even toward your partner, right? Like imagining this other person in this space where they are actually being vulnerable. And, yeah, it's, it is a really interesting place. I think the other reason I said we would be fun is because we're not in crisis right now. Yeah, I felt like, oh, we both met this this therapist. We both really liked him, and we're not in crisis. So like, maybe we could go give some room to stuff that's just like, hanging out there. And one of the things I've said is that Corey and I are, we're very compatible. We got together very quickly, when we finally got together, and we're super compatible, and we really enjoy each other's company, like we actually like each other and like being around each other. And because of that, we don't know how to do conflict. And when conflict arises, it tends to be like issues or things that feel really, really big, because there's so much in the day to day that just like we jive with and it's fine. And so it can just be this really kind of, I want to use the word explosive, but it's not quite that, though it certainly has been at times. A lot of it revolves around parenting, and it's just interesting, right? It's like stuff we didn't have opinions about because we didn't have experience, and now we're being faced with, like, shaping these little people. And so we have to, like, figure out what we think and feel about things. And it just is, like, surprising when we hit up against something where we're like, not necessarily like, yeah, okay, good, yep, okay, good, check, check, and then we don't know how to deal with it, and so that was a big part of why we decided to go ahead and try and do this for a little while. And I think, yeah, it just has me thinking a lot about communication, because I think of myself as somebody who is, generally speaking, a good communicator. I do have a degree in it, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything, but I do think of myself as a good communicator in terms of, like, one way communication. Oh, I'm a master at one way communication. This is the distinction I'm starting to really settle into since becoming a coach, especially like in the last five or six years. It's like, oh, I am really good one direction communication, yeah, and that is a really uncomfortable thing to admit, yeah, yeah. I was also just thinking about you and him too. As far as conflict goes, like you guys are both very deeply feeling people, yeah? And so I. And both grew up in homes where conflict probably wasn't modeled very well, and like, how to handle that, like our parents, like, would go into another room, yeah, yeah. And so there'll be tension, but, like, we never really saw it play out. I can give a really good example of how not to communicate based on something that happened last night, if you'd like, so I will say that for the first part of our marriage, Joshua did a lot of the cleaning. He did a lot of the cleaning. He did a lot of the stuff around the house. And I don't know, somewhere along the way, somehow it got switched to me, and I don't know how that happened, but I don't like it. I really we do split the labor on a lot of different things, and we have some things that are negotiated. We've also both had seasons where we just haven't felt our best, where the others had to pick up slack and things like that. And I both, I think we're both pretty good and stable right now, and so we're kind of renegotiating that labor. And yeah, I just feel like I've been doing a lot, and honestly, I will say like I don't actually mind doing a lot of that kind of thing, because he does stuff I hate, like, I cannot stand, yeah, so it's like, for every like, couple of things I do, he'll do something just like I don't even want any part of. So there's been kind of that anyway, all that to say, but I've wanted more help the last several months, and I've directly asked for that help, and there's been some resistance on his end. And, um, fast forward to last night. I guess. You know, lately, maybe I've been making a lot more offhanded comments about how much I do little he does around the house. And something happened, and I made a comment, and he said, Oh, here we go. You know, that kind of a thing. Just don't clean. And I was like, what he's like, just don't clean. If you don't like to do it, then don't do it. Because I am tired of hearing about the fact that you are the only one who cleans around here, or whatever. So curious about what your comment was you made. Oh, some, oh, he, oh, so he's been doing more cleaning in the last like week or so, and I've part of it's because it was my birthday, and I'm always like, I want to clean someone, to clean something for my birthday anyway. And we had, you know, people over and stuff. And so if I say, hey, I need you to do this and this, he'll do it. But I don't want to always have to do that. That is labor too, right? And anyway, like I said, all of you out there right now are like, Oh, well. It's like, listen, I know, I know whatever. Not everyone knows this, that this is, like, the crux of a lot of tension in in in in relationships, even, like, with roommates, but like people you're living with that like, there is this place where we don't want to have to tell you how to support us and how to I don't want the assumption to be that it's my labor. I don't want the assumption to be that it's my labor, and if it needs to be done, I have to ask you to do it. I want you in it, partnering, looking around, seeing what needs to be done, and also understanding, as a coach, some people don't see things when things don't bother them, like they bother me, but I understand all of that. We are in the process of, like I said, renegotiating some of this stuff. Okay, so I he was feeling really good about all the stuff he'd cleaned, right? And someone very cavalierly left a big plop of mud with some water around it on the kitchen floor, and just left it there. And he was who did this? Well, it could be one of two people, and they're under the age of 18, because I did not leave a pop of mud on the floor, and you cleaned it. So I know you've been very careful to pick up make sure that that area was clean. And he, you know, started going in on, oh, this, seriously, who did this? Blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, welcome to my world. That's what I said. Okay, yeah, landed like a lead balloon. Oh, yeah, yeah. He's like, Oh, I get it. I get it. I know you blah blah. So it wasn't very intense. It was just kind of, we both kind of barked at each other, and both felt very indignant and like went went away in our typical, like, fighting fashion. And, um, anyway, I thought about it and was still angry about it, because I just thought, here's the thing I have said, I have done the thing where I've said, I need more help around the house, right? All the things I just said a few minutes ago about partnering and looking around and doing the things, even if we have to make a list, whatever, I've gone through those channels and he just didn't feel like it, yeah, right, and or didn't want to do it, and so all that to say. I you know, I guess because I was not met with the Okay, yeah, let's sit down and dig in and figure out the list and dividing the labor and blah, blah, blah. I just went to snarky back in the comments, because, hey, like, what's going to work here? And I was thinking about this morning I did, like, repair a little bit last night, give him a hug and a kiss good night, instead of, like, freezing him out. Because I was like, this is not well, you don't actually believe that the snarky comments work. No shame never gets anyone to move the needle. Okay. Just doesn't work. I was thinking about that too. And also kind of zooming out and thinking about where he's been and mentally, emotionally and all of those different things. And also when someone when he does not do the things, things I think he should be doing. I don't see all the things that he does do, right? And so I was thinking about what, what has what does he do? Well, you know what? All this week, you know what he did? He took the kids to the park. He like, spent really good quality time with them, so I could get stuff done, not clean. But I had other things I had to do, or things I wanted to do. You know, he did some things around the house and blah, blah, blah, but, you know, like I said, he does a lot of things that I don't want to do, like I don't want to do. I don't want to take the car to get repairs. I don't want to change the filter and the air conditioner. I don't want to, you know, whatever. So, yeah, I don't know. We're definitely not in a space where we have this figured out. But, you know, in like reflection this morning, I was thinking, you know, this is not the way for me to get what I want out of the situation. And I also think about Honestly, even though I don't like the fact that I have to take the labor of asking him to do stuff every single time I ask him, he does it happily and well and in like a time frame, I asked him to do it, it's not like, then I'm like, you know, kind of getting resistance, you know. And I do wonder sometimes, is it because he doesn't really see it, but in the reminder of it is happy to help around the house, I don't know, because we have, we probably need to talk about that. Yeah, it can be helpful. I mean, for us, I might be more like Joshua in our dynamic, although I'm like, What do I do that Corey hates and doesn't want to do? Because there may not be anything that I can think of. Corey does a lot of stuff I don't want to do and doesn't complain, one of them being the dishes. I really, really hate doing the dishes, and Corey has said recently he doesn't like doing the dishes, which kind of surprised me, because I thought part of why he always does them is because he doesn't liked it. Yeah. Okay, that sounds like I feel like that we're living parallel lives. Well. So anyway, he doesn't really like it, but he does it because it has to get done, and if it doesn't get done, they pile up. Okay? She's making a face like, this is her train of thought. I hate doing the dishes. I Hate it. Hate it, hate it. And there's a lot of reasons why, but anyway, but I also do a ton of the food management, and we generally split things evenly, but a lot of the labor that I do is like emotional, mental labor, and so it's harder to see it, and it's sometimes even harder for me to um. I celebrated, and one of the things that came up in one of our therapy sessions recently was around like one of the kids was having a meltdown, and Corey has a very low tolerance for the auditory experience of a child having a meltdown, which I think we've talked about in other episodes. It's a real thing, and it is super hard to be around someone if you are sensitive to sound, and they are wailing and but because of the child that it was that was having a hard time, the other child started having a hard time in response and in solidarity, I guess, to the other one. And so they were both having a hard time. And by having a hard time, I mean wailing and screaming and saying all this stuff about how they didn't want this certain thing to happen. That was not bad, but it was just they didn't want they were tired anyway, he went upstairs, and I was like, Uh, are you okay? Guess here I am. And in the therapy session, Corey was like, you know, if it's too much for you, too, it's overwhelming, you can leave the room. And so we're thinking about like body boundaries, right? Like this is hurting my ears, this is creating activation and stress in me, and I need to withdraw myself, settle and come back. Totally valid, but I said, we can't both do that at the same time if they are not okay, like they're needing us in the room, and I'm like, I can't imagine them as young adults or adults saying, Well, every time I got really upset. My parents left the room until I calmed down. To me, sounds devastating, and so I'm like, we can't both do it at the same time. And so we were talking about this whole instance of what happened and how I was able to help the kids, like, settle back down. And anyway, therapist, at one point was like, it sounds like Elizabeth was able to do this thing that you Corey, you know, you weren't able to do, and the kids needed it. And it's like, so great. She was able to do that. She was able to be with them. And like, maybe it would be nice if, after something like that. And he was like, do you agree? And he was like, yeah. Like, I'm she's really good at it. I'm so glad she was able to do that. And he's like, Well, might just be helpful to let her know. Like, that was really hard, and I really appreciate you doing that. And I was like, yes, it, like, opened up this whole like, oh, like, on both sides, like, I also didn't realize I needed to be appreciated. And it didn't occur to him to vocalize his appreciation. I think I assume he appreciates me most of the time, because, again, we don't have a contentious relationship, but I am also someone who really needs to hear that a lot. I need a lot of praise. And it was a like, big aha, of like, oh yeah, I can do the hard stuff, and I can do the things that are really taxing sometimes, but I need some acknowledgement that, like, I'm doing a hard thing, and that you're like, great, that you're not being taken for granted, that, like, yeah, that there is some leaning into like, wow, that I'm so glad I have a partner who's doing that and not feeling like it's like, been dismissed, and that, you know, yeah, like, do you see me? Yeah? I mean, it's another way of partnering, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think, like, these two things I'm thinking about this, like housework, like life management stuff, and then this whole thing around, like, emotional labor, which, like, if you don't have kids, it still might, it might be relevant toward pets that you share, because there's just a very similar kind of neediness, at least in what I've witnessed and people who have pets, I don't have pets because I already Have these, like, two needy creatures in my house, or aging parents, or, yeah, like, if you if you are taking care of someone else, or maybe you have a partner who really struggles with depression or anxiety and like, so there's just a lot of caretaking and, like, kind of invisible labor, if we want to call it that. To me, it's not invisible because it's like, so hard to hold space into this. But I'm like, how do you not see this? This is not invisible. What I'm doing, right, right, right? So I don't want to call it that and, like, normalize calling it invisible, because I think people should be able to see it. But when it comes to being in relationship with others, if we don't communicate and talk about not just who's doing what, but like, do you see me? Yeah, do you see me? Because often, in the midst of that, I feel invisible. I feel like everybody's upset, and now also Corey is struggling, and so like. Am I? Who am I in all of this? Do I matter? And obviously, the kids are little, so i i Only matter to them in that I'm the one to help them, right? Like I don't matter to them for my own sake yet. Yeah, right. Oh, living for the day. But if my partner is also not seeing me in those moments, it can just feel really isolating. You can just feel like, yeah, and then, you know, I think there can be some backlash around like, taking more for myself than is reasonable or fair, right? Like, being like, this is a really hard week, and so this weekend, I'm going to just check out. I'm going to go make my own plans. I'm going to go chill in my room for hours, and I'm just like, not going to answer if they yell out for mommy and again, like, for the most part, if that happens, which it does, Corey, doesn't he? He never is like, what are you doing? Where are you? If he did that, I would be like, What are you doing? Why are you here? But? But he never does that to me, and he just lets me take the space I want, and I don't want it to be so imbalanced in an ongoing way, to where then like he's feeling really isolated and disconnected from others. And I think that piece around like we need companionship, and when we're in this stage of life where we're really busy and we're caregiving and working and whatever, companionship just seems to be a thing that goes by the wayside, and it just feels like communication is the missing piece to support companionship. Like, I need to know that I'm needed in companionship with you, not just because I have tasks that you need me to do, but it's a partnership. It's like, yeah, I tell him all the time. I Joshua? I tell him. I say, when I feel like I'm in a partnership, like we're really partnering with each other, I have the I have so much more capacity. Yeah, it's like, I just, it's like, even if he's doing something else or he's just done something else that I'm doing, like some cleaning, or I'm doing something with one of the kids. It's like, if there is an ongoing touching in to the fact that we are partnering, I'm seeing that feeling that I'm not keeping a score. I'm not thinking about, Oh, I cleaned all day, and what did you do? It's like there is, like, just this feeling and essence of partnership, and when that is in balance. And I think there's, there's lots of ways to do that. It's not just like tit for tat, like you do this, I do that. It's like the communicating part, the like I see you part, the the whatever it is. There's a probably 100,000 ways it can look but it's like, you know it for your own relationship when that is in balance, not the tit for tat task, but the the partner partnering thing. It's like the ebbs and flows just feel so much more seamless. And like part of it you don't think about that. She's like, we're in this together, yeah. And it's like you almost have to have those conversations. Like last night, we had a bedtime with our kiddo who has meltdowns, and there was like a meltdown was brewing, and we had cousins and stuff in town for for a few days, and so just a lot of energy in the house that was starting to get a little overwhelming, and in the past, you know, we tend to have a hard time together. Corey and I being in that space with this kiddo, because we are not partnering. We're like both singularly focused on the kid, but we're not in sync with each other, and it creates like more chaos often. And last night, it was just lovely, because I felt like neither of us was getting activated. We were both really present. We were kind of occasionally making eye contact, but we were still in support of getting this kid to bed, essentially, and and then after, when we went downstairs, I took a moment to say like that felt successful to me. I felt like we were together in that. I felt like you weren't getting activated, and neither was I, and that we were like it was hard, and of course, not our choice of how we would want to spend an evening, but it just, it didn't escalate and it and it was able to be diffused, and the kiddo went to bed peacefully and feeling loved. And I had to, like, take a moment and communicate that and say, like, how did that feel for you? And for Corey to be like, yeah, it felt pretty good. Did it feel different to you because we're working on, like, can we show up in these moments where they are needing a regulated nervous system? Can we both be practicing doing this for them? And it just felt really important to, like, communicate about it. But I also think I have to know, like, to your point about what makes me feel in sync with him, what makes me feel like we're really partnering and there's some flow there. I have to start getting curious about and noticing when those moments occur, what are some of the elements of that that make it feel better to me, and then be able to communicate that like it feels good to me when neither of us are getting activated, or we're like, able to work with our own activation and then come back in and when we're able to connect eye to eye, or like that makes me feel like we're partnered. You know, you're checking on me. You see me. You know, occasionally Corey will come, like, into the kitchen, if I've had a really busy day and I've been doing a whole bunch, and he'll check in and he'll say, like, how are you doing? What's going on? How are you feeling? And it's just this little bit of, like, how I interpret it is, I see you moving around. I see you doing all this stuff. Like, how's it going in there? Like, not like, how are you doing? Do you need help with this task? It's like, me, how am I doing? How's my energy and my mood and whatever? But that has taken a lot of communication over the years, also taking a lot of work. You guys are both individually doing your work, and I think you know when you're neurodivergent and you're parenting neurodivergent kids, and you guys all have sensitive nervous systems and all that. And then, you know, a lot of times, I know I've said this, you've said this, where you feel like you're not on the same page with how to move forward, with what's happening with your kid, with your partner. And a lot of it, you know, is because they're just, you know, their system is like, they need it to stop because they're activated. It's like a threat, and not necessarily, like they don't see value, like logic is out the window. And I think that having the ability to stay present. I think part of that for y'all and part of it, I think, for Joshua and I too, is us co regulating with each other, like the glances, the like, we're safe, we're like, doing this together. No one's going to be stuck doing this or whatever. And yes, it's really loud, and yes, it's really hard and all that other stuff. But when you don't pause or have the ability to even get enough spaciousness in your own system for just even a little bit of that. It's like they've already gone off the handle and like, are totally, you know, activate it, and then it's like, okay, I really am going to have to do this by myself because, and I think obviously it's nuanced, right? I mean, it's like the dynamic between the two of you, and it's also the two of you individually, but there so it's like, it sounds like addressing the dynamic is helping next level, kind of where you guys are at, because you guys are both working on your own systems, is that, yeah, yeah. And I think, like this other piece around not making other people guess yeah is really hard. It's so uncomfortable to identify what you need, and then it's so vulnerable to like, speak that out and in the hopes that somebody will receive it well and respond and you know, attune to you. And for many of us, especially those of us who have, you know, significant attachment wounds from childhood, it's very difficult to be needy and and yet, until we I don't want to, like, make really bold statements, but I feel like until we can kind of contend With the reality that we are all needy, and other people cannot meet our needs or see us in our neediness and care for us if we hide it and we or we pretend it doesn't exist. And so it's almost like this self protection of like, what if I don't get these needs met? I don't this is too risky. But by doing that you are like you are, you will surely not get them met, yeah, and that piece around like, I have to say, these are things I will do and these are things I will not do. I need space. I need time to myself. I need, you know, whatever it is. I think, is this big piece around the partnership that we have had to, like, very intentionally work on for years, and it's required both of us to like, know things for ourselves, and then actually tell the other person and make space to tell the other person, right, because we can just like, go through life with no checking in and months. And I know with you, it's like you're really independent, and a lot of that's protective. And I just think about, you know, trust is two way. It's not just like you offering up Corey things to be there for him, like I want to be there for you, let me be there for you, but it's like you but it's like you letting him be there for you. Yes, builds that trust too. And like, oh, I have something of value to offer. Oh, I, I, she does need me in a different way, not as an accessory, not that. I'm not saying Elizabeth treats him like an accessory, but I'm saying like she is protected. I mean, you've got that protective wound of like, I've got to show up, I've got to take care of everything. I got to make sure everybody's okay. I mean, I have it too, yep. And you know, he's a really tender dude, and your go to with him. It's interesting thinking about now, like the wounds that are like being healed within like gal's marriage, of like your inner little Yeah, is of just for you to have someone so tender that you can lean into who has the capacity to really see you. Was really beautiful, because that's exactly what little Elizabeth would need, right, yeah, and him feeling capable of coming up alongside and being tender but strong, yeah, and able is what probably little Corey needs. So it's kind of really cute and amazing. It is cute and amazing, and it Yeah, and I just, I feel like this going to keep you know unfolding for the rest of our lives. But I just feel like it's been so nice to have this designated space where just a couple times a month we're forced to, like, sit and actually reflect on like, how is our relationship, and where is it like, not great, or like, puzzling, and can we talk about that in the presence of somebody else. And, like, actually, you know, make a little bit of progress. Progress isn't really the word, but can we, like, loosen up the knots there a little bit. It's been really good. And I just, yeah, I feel like, no matter how many years of experience I have as a communications professional and as a communicator, it doesn't change the fact that like communicating in intimate relationships is like, I don't know. I just feel like it's a muscle that you have to train like your whole life. I mean, therapists will tell you that you can do all the healing you want in isolation, but you don't really know and can't really grow to the next level until you're practicing that in like an intimate, like relationship, because the dynamics and all of the other stuff that comes into play with other humans is so triggering. It's so triggering and it has to be revealed and thrashed around with and all that other stuff. I mean, if you want to be totally content be by yourself, yeah, don't even have a best friend, it's like, because certainly don't have children, yeah, but yeah, that's that's really true, and I really think that, honestly, probably, I mean, I think kids do trigger us a lot of ways, but there is something About a partner that touches into like things that, man, I know the core nobody else can Yeah, yeah. I Yeah. The a few months ago, I had a therapy session by myself where this stuff that was really triggering to me in the headlines and the news came up, and when we did some work around it, the link back, it was like something related to dad, but it was by way of Corey or something in the processing of it. And I was like, what like, it's so cliche that, like, my issues with my dad from childhood are, like, super imposed. Done to my partner. They're cliche for a reason. This is because who came up with that cliche? They must have known a thing. Yeah, yeah. Anyway. Well, that was really helpful. Thanks. I gotta go to bed. Oh, yeah, I would like to get in my bed. Oh, it's so nice. It snowed this morning. I know because Nora's been watching she's obsessed with the weather app, and she tells me the forecast for Kansas City and here. And she was letting me know that you guys were going to get snow it. She told it to me as if she was breaking very exciting news. I mean, that is adorable. Yeah, she Oh, I'll have to take some pictures and send them so she, she really is missing her cousin, I know. And I told her, I was like, she's, they have these phone calls. And Elizabeth side's been on the struggle bus and just not really feeling the zoom. You know what it is? It's that we spent time with y'all this summer, spent so much time in person that Francie was just like, that is better. Oh, it is better. And so it's like, maybe it was on in those zoom calls. Maybe it is obnoxious on this, and I have no idea. It just may not be very interesting. I have no idea either. They were loving them before we were playing dolls and all of that on the Zoom calls. And, you know, Nora is in person is better. She just, I mean, here's the thing. I mean, Francie could get on a call and listen, she'd want her to talk tomorrow and the next day and the next day, next day. So excited about that. I'm like, I'm like, Nora in that way, but I know you are, and that's why I don't feel bad every single day texting me saying Nora is available. She tells me to tell you, and I'm like, You know what? I'm gonna do it, because she's asking me to do it. And I know you're not annoyed. I know you're thinking, You know what, I get it. And I also really want, I really want my kid to be available too, and I don't want you to feel bad about it. But I because I get it too, because I am, for instance, I Yeah, yeah, like, Oh, can I just run into it today? Well, maybe we should start letting her have calls with the other one, because he might be into it. Okay, thanks for chatting. Yeah. Hope you have a deep rest of the weekend. I like that bun on top of your head. Thanks. It's really disastrous, but think something, it's, it looks like a beehive. Yeah, that happened. Too bad no one else can see it. Yeah, I know. I mean, I shouldn't talk. We're in the same state right now, and I have my unit, my winter uniform. It's a Saturday, a winter Saturday, this is yeah, okay, all right, I'll talk to you later. I.