Marketing & Mayhem
Two gals talking marketing, life, and all the mayhem in between.
Marketing & Mayhem
Tubbing, Drunk Dialing & People Pleasing with Christina Smalley, Licensed Family Therapist
You’ve heard of the “everything shower” - but have you heard of the “good girl shower”? Bet not. Quick trip to Costco is in store for after this recording because it sounds like we all need the new bamboo shower chair.
We’ve got our notes app back open - and we’re talking about dating. Yes, dating. Where do we land? Somewhere between “cry baby breakfast” and raising our standards. And we brought company. Our “family therapist” is back - Christina Smalley. And we’re returning to the resolution conversation one more time because we noticed a theme. Both of our resident therapists are not setting resolutions this year, and it got us thinking. Want to know why? Tune in.
“Say what you mean - mean what you say - but don’t say it mean”. We circle back to the people pleaser conversation - and the real reason we find it hard to trust people’s words, actions or intentions. Hint - it’s because of the way we often validate others, that creates this insecurity. Is this a female exclusive issue - or just the human condition?
We’re moms - and she’s a mom. So the conversation ultimately takes a turn to the guilt of motherhood and the pursuit of perfect. We’re giving you grace to have a bad day - and the beauty of being imperfect. And we tackle the differences of living in a house where yes, the moms sometimes lose their cool - but ultimately crate an environment of apologies and love and a place where bad days and mistakes exist. After all - we’re deeply committed to not passing along some of these traits we’re tackling for our own growth. An honest, deep and funny dialogue.
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Hosted by @raebecca.miller and @jennyfromthe843
Good morning. Good morning, hello. Hi Christina's back.
Speaker 2:Nothing like having our family therapist on. I really shouldn't say that. I hope it doesn't ever get you in trouble because it's like a joke I don't know, like the board of people I have no idea. Is there something about like your therapist shouldn't be? Because I'm always like guys, I have to call my family therapist and it sounds like we just all use the same therapist. But it's actually my sister-in-law which is like I can't even imagine this, the spot that you're in, like no.
Speaker 3:And you're working right. You know like I can be a therapist ish, but like you know, we take the hat off and then we say wild stuff too.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, absolutely. I was literally. Just. We were, you and I. The other day I went downtown. Jenny had a death in her family, so I go downtown, work together. Come back up. I'm crossing the Ravenel talking to you. We're still laughing about the fish video and I'm like this is the fact that we get into it. And I found a note because yesterday we recorded with Kirsten Hatcher and we were talking about using your notes app for journaling. I know I wrote this note when I was with you and the notes wild and I would like to know if you remember specifically okay, cry, baby breakfast it. This was a. What is the cry? Can we not share it on air?
Speaker 3:I think it's about the kids.
Speaker 2:It is about the kids, I know it is, but I wrote it down and I wanted to remember it for some kind of like.
Speaker 3:I feel like it's something else.
Speaker 2:Ian said oh, I think it might Cause like under it. It says like going hard in the paint.
Speaker 1:So I know this was at a specific time where you would send me this and I was like are you, are you okay? Like, like, what is going on in your phone?
Speaker 2:I think it probably was like multiple kids having a meltdown in the morning. She was like this crybaby breakfast and Christina and I were probably like, oh my God, did she like? Literally, because her youngest is the one that I always say is like Russian mafia.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, she loves her, she loves to be like that.
Speaker 2:She's dramatic, she has a scary face, she's very pretty and she loves a tracksuit. It's like the scariest thing. I love a tracksuit. No, I know, but not everyone has like multiple. It's an Adidas tracksuit. It's not Adidas. It's like it might be Adidas. It's not like the jeans. No, it's like a scary track suit.
Speaker 3:It makes her look scary yeah, she just started doing soccer, by the way, so like she's like leaning in hard.
Speaker 2:this is the one. This is like that. So I used to feel like the youngest should be in the contact sport. But this is the kind of person who opens their easter basket and is like who's been in here? Like you're four and first of all I have and she has and he has. So we's been in here, you're four, first of all I have and she has and he has. So we're all in this together now. But she knows, opens the fridge, looks around. I feel like I'm in trouble half the time I hang out with her. You are, and she's like you know what I like. So her birthday's coming up. Yes, I'm so scared. I got to get an epic gift, did you get her the vending machine.
Speaker 2:I should get her the vending machine, you should. It's got to be like. She also loves like skincare, nail kits, perfume. She's the one that does my makeup and my nails.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, and she's five, so she got a gift card. She went to Target with her dad. That was probably a miss, but that's fine and he let her get whatever she wanted, she got a mini backpack, a huge corgi and then lipstick, eyeshadow, nail polish and a uv light nailed it five years old. Thankfully, my husband said, I think, the 18 hour long glass lipstick I don't think we can get that. And I was like, thank God, what the heck.
Speaker 2:She did tell me on the phone she's like my dad wouldn't let me get the lipstick and I was like why would you need lipstick?
Speaker 3:You're a baby 18 hour long last.
Speaker 2:But it was for 18 hours, as if I was going to be like yeah, then there's nothing that you're doing in your life that you're lasting 18 hours for You're not even awake that long. And she was like she gave me an eye roll. We were on like it was like family dinner at my mom's and she like was like did you think I was going to stand in for you? I'm sorry I missed that. Text me first. Oh my God, y'all Okay. Mental health, mine's in a spiral.
Speaker 3:Just down the tubes.
Speaker 2:Yeah, this is how I knew, and I don't even know if this is appropriate to share online. It has nothing to do with camel toe or shitting your pants. Okay, when I was pouring the water into my coffee today like into the thing, I think, maybe I saw a, something in the water, but then I couldn't get it out because now it's in the pot. Okay, so in order to drink my coffee, I had to convince myself that the water still has to go through the filter, and if I maybe saw a something that I'm not even quite sure that I saw, it would have been caught in the filter and I think I might not be okay Like a bug, what I don't know. I don't know that it was anything Like. I am under a little bit of stress right now and I I think I saw something. I don't know.
Speaker 3:You know, I think the filter got it right, it would have been caught.
Speaker 1:And it had like moth babies.
Speaker 2:No, it would have been like it was like, possibly like a pepper Dark, I don't know, but like wouldn't have been caught in the grounds in the filter. Am I okay to drink this coffee?
Speaker 1:All I'm saying is that would not have happened in a Diet Coke, just saying.
Speaker 2:Well, you know, I've only made two pots of coffee this entire year so far, and I hadn't had any for the last six months. So now I'm like I'm panicking.
Speaker 3:You're just having like it's like moth broth.
Speaker 2:Yeah, oh God. But I think this is really more of a testament to my current mental health.
Speaker 3:You're just raw dogging it.
Speaker 2:I really am just straight up.
Speaker 1:Oh, I'm like throbbing today.
Speaker 3:The sun is on your face. I feel this. You're just glowing. Do you know why I'm thriving?
Speaker 1:what is it? I had the good girl shower this morning, oh, everything shower, oh yeah that's why you're glowing, good girl shower.
Speaker 3:I was. I thought you're gonna say good girl, something else, and I was like are you thriving because you went to the garden.
Speaker 2:You got gardening this morning. Remember when Sarah Wiles taught us to call it gardening.
Speaker 1:I'm dealing with a wacky ovary right now. We talked about this yesterday.
Speaker 2:Yes, we did. I informed Jenny because she is having a bad period. I was like, oh, you're probably on your mean ovary.
Speaker 1:I had no clue, but y'all, I had the shower. You know how they switch. I had the eucalyptus steamer, I did the full shave, I did a hair mask.
Speaker 2:Girl, we love a hair mask. I haven't done a hair mask in a little while.
Speaker 1:I have the best hair mask. I love mine.
Speaker 1:I steamed out of the shower and it was like nobody was here opening the door and either oogling at me Nate or Clark. Mom, I need noodles, can you make me ramen? I'm naked. Can you take a break for a second, like dude? Well, and they always do. I'm washing my face, so like your eyes are closed, and then I open my eyes and there's somebody standing there and then I'm like about shit, the shower, because I'm like you scared me to freaking. Yes, yes, because of course that's when a serial killer is going to come in your bathroom is when you're washing your face, because your eyes are closed absolutely, I always scream, I'm a big screamer.
Speaker 1:If it startles me like that, like yes, same, so I had a very relaxing shower experience this morning another client, the good girl shower.
Speaker 3:I'm I would really I. I thought we were going in a whole different direction. I mean, I thought we were gardening.
Speaker 2:I thought we were going in a whole different direction.
Speaker 3:I thought we were gardening. I thought we were too I could I love a good girl?
Speaker 2:I do shave most showers. I'm going to put this out here. No, I don't have time.
Speaker 1:No, I don't have time. No, I'm always freezing to death.
Speaker 2:Here's my theory, though, because I feel like you know how you like miss a spot here and there. Theory, though, because I feel like you know how you like miss the spot here and there, like I feel like if I give it a good like weed whacker job every time I'm in there how long is your hair? No, I don't. I don't like any. I don't like any hair. I don't like to feel it at all.
Speaker 1:I just love like a good clean shaven leg and then sliding into some clean sheets.
Speaker 2:That's what I like every day. I don't like any sort of anything.
Speaker 3:You can't enjoy it if you do it every day. I know it's like not special, see, yeah.
Speaker 2:I don't know. I definitely do it every day. I always have.
Speaker 1:Well, you're in like always, even when you were married.
Speaker 2:Yeah, probably worse when I was married.
Speaker 3:I were married. Yeah, probably worse when I was married. I don't have any reason to do it right now. I would definitely like mistakenly go into publics and wish I had taken the good girl shower.
Speaker 1:Like I'm thrilled that it's winter. I'm like shave what? Yeah, seriously, I just got a wax last week. Well, I mean, that part is different, yeah okay, please a leg, not a chance.
Speaker 2:No I can't. Also, I do do yoga, so I feel like I can't let my armpits be like wily. I feel like I look like a russian mob boss I feel like if I do I do yoga, though, every day too I can't have my armpits being crazy oh, I shave armpits every day it though every day too I can't have my armpits being crazy. Oh, I shave armpits every day. The commitment. Yeah, sometimes I just sit on the floor in my shower. I'm going to be so honest with you.
Speaker 3:Sometimes I just like take a seat. Every time I have to shave my leg. I think about what am I going to do when I'm like 60? Because I like hoist my leg up.
Speaker 2:No, I was pregnant. Sometimes I hoist her up, but a lot of times I just take a seat and just chill for a little.
Speaker 3:Maybe that's why we get the shower seats.
Speaker 2:That would be not opposed to a shower seat. I'm sure I could find a few uses for a shower seat. Yeah, like a little old lady shower seat. Yeah, whatever you want to call it, maybe it's a good girl seat.
Speaker 1:There it is. Oh my gosh, Walk into it. Welcome.
Speaker 2:Add that to the Mother's Day list. You know what I have been thinking about, though. I've really been thinking about getting one of those trays that goes across the tub. Yes, you should, oh yeah, you should. You don't getting one of those trays that goes across the tub? Yes, you should, oh, yeah, you should. You don't have one of those? No, and I don't have any particular reason why I haven't purchased one.
Speaker 1:I should have one right. Yes, I almost got you one for Christmas, but I just assumed that you had one.
Speaker 2:No, I'm in there raw-dogging that too.
Speaker 3:No, no, no, no, I should get. Yeah, for the person who's in the bath. As much as you. You could have a whole charcuterie up on there, you totally could.
Speaker 2:Daily I have a new hinge match and this has come up somehow your tubbing, yes, my tubbing.
Speaker 1:I love that. That's like a verb For her. It is very verb.
Speaker 2:I know, and I feel bad for people who don't understand this Cause it's like, so, cause you call me all the time and you're like are you in the tub? And I'm like, yes, are you fine with that? And you're like, yes, and you can hear the echo. I know you can't. Jenny's called me and I've been in the tub before. And I'm like, oh, but you guys are so used to this part of my life that I don't think twice about the fact that it's so frequent, like it's like a daily, sometimes it's a two a day, even in the summer. And so I sometimes say it without thinking about the fact that, like a man might feel differently about this. I'm like you know.
Speaker 3:I think they actually like a tub and they like a soak. They just don't want to admit it.
Speaker 2:I think you're absolutely right.
Speaker 1:I agree, and I know Nate loves that I tub because he likes to also come stand in there and Google me while I'm trying to read all the floatings. Can I just have a moment?
Speaker 2:No, just a moment. Well, that's why you're underwater. I'm sure there's something about it, but I know I'm not a water sign. I just love a pool, a hot tub, a tub, an ocean, a lake. I'm getting in A puddle. I'll take it. I'm going to swim around. I'm not going to look cool. I send you all those memes.
Speaker 3:Like us playing mermaids. Well, we're getting back to that. I can't wait until OBX this year, like I'm already planning the nonsense that we're going to do.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we should actually do. We should record one of these with Jenny while we're in Outer Banks together. I, we should actually do. We should record one of these with Jenny while we're in Outer Banks together. I love that idea. We'll wait till we get in trouble with my mom, and then we'll call we'll text Jenny At 1am. No, we'll be like we have to record tomorrow before we lose all the stories.
Speaker 1:You know Jenny's not up at 1am, Jenny, but if you hold tight to like 3am, I will be awake.
Speaker 2:No, no, no. We will text you then and be like hey, we have a story for you, and then the next day we'll record is what I'm saying, because it's inevitable, it's inevitable.
Speaker 3:We do have a reputation of like calling from the hot tub.
Speaker 2:Unfortunately, there is a very good chance that you're going to get a dial you got to choose.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh, I love a drunk dial, it's my fave, yeah, of fave, yeah, it is we. I forgot that we have that reputation. We do have a very strong reputation of because you know, I love them, because I feel like when you are thinking about people in those moments it's just like a moment of genuine love. Oh yeah, I am here for it, pouring it out my two thrives with the drunk dial she does Well pretty sure, so I'm excited.
Speaker 1:You need to give me those dates so I can be prepared. What is Christina here to counsel us, on us today?
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, I thought here's one thing that I think is interesting. We recorded with Kirsten Hatcher yesterday, who's one of our other resident therapists, and we were talking about our word for this year and we asked her if she has a word or resolution and she said no, okay, so then you had said this a week prior and I was like wait a minute, cause obviously we're very committed to our word. But I'm like what do they know that we don't know? Then I, we started thinking about this like pressure, the pressure it is a word and then, like I always think of pretty women, like the pressure of a name remember kid to Luca which is like I don't know why I always do whatever I hear like pressure. I'm like the pressure of a name. Leave all this Not in a million.
Speaker 3:It's the new year, new me pressure to like make a resolution, make it better, do it different. I don't want to do any of that.
Speaker 1:Don't put me down for that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, don't put me down for that. Yeah, but yeah, I'm not coming to that potluck. But do you think it's because, like of everything that you know, that you are so cause you're in nines? It's not like you don't succumb to some pressure? Sure, like, is it? Just because, like I, I'm now. I'm just curious, like I want to talk about pressure, I want to talk about the pressure of resolutions, um, and I want to know what themes are coming up in your, behind your closed doors. I want to know if I'm okay because I'm drinking coffee with potentially small babies.
Speaker 3:You know, I will say I work with a lot of moms and I will say, like the resolution stuff really hasn't come up as much as I thought it would. I think there is a lot of pressure for like starting the year, turning over a new leaf, like doing this year better than last, which I get to some degree, but like does it need to be like a whole new leaf?
Speaker 2:Does it need to be like a whole new leaf? I mean, I posted that reel and if you listen to the audio, the girl is saying, like I keep making these resolutions to she's like I hate math and I'm apparently going to be doing less and less and less. But when I think back, I did a ton of amazing things. You know, like I traveled with my friends, I ate a boozy breakfast, I got to hold somebody's new baby, I got a puppy and she's like going through all the amazing things and it's really easy, I think, to like hyper.
Speaker 2:Like that's why a few episodes ago I went on a rant about water and I was like y'all, if we have to make a resolution to drink more water, we are never going to become something great. Like I can't, I cannot freaking take it. I can't do one more. Like I just know that my friends are so capable of like big things that I'm like drinking. This is like the way that they keep us small, right, and you know I'm hypersensitive to like the patriarchy and things that keep women small. I have my own issues. I can't freaking leave this house without making sure it's clean and that's made up. You got after me the other day about this, because it is. It's a weird way, because there's always something to do, so it's a weird way of keeping you're focused on the wrong thing.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I feel like resolutions have like this negative connotation, like I'm not good enough so I need to be better, and I don't love that Right. I don't, I want to talk about that Right. So, like for me, I remember making resolutions feeling like I suck, it's a memory for you.
Speaker 2:You're like I remember when I used to, when I was young.
Speaker 1:When I I was young when I was a young before I got my shower chair yeah, there was like I don't.
Speaker 3:There's this thing where, like we, yeah, we take what we think about ourselves and say I need to change the entirety of who I am and it's like, no, like who you are is not terrible, who you are is awesome. Are there things that like maybe goals, like maybe this year. Like I want to learn how to rock climb. That's amazing. I love that. Yeah, I need to lose weight. Not, I need to work out more. Not, you know, stuff like that. There are things, there are goals that we have that great, if you want to work on that this year, I love that for you, wonderful. But some of the changes people talk about are, like, coming from a place of like I'm not good enough yeah, I get that yeah.
Speaker 1:I don't think it is that. I don't think for me it's just more of a cause. I you know we like to do a lot. And so it's more of like all right, Jenny, like stay focused on what you need to do, Like the root of it. You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:I think our resolutions are grown even from, like three years ago. Yeah, my resolutions were more like that, like I'm going to run 100 miles a month, and then I was like excited to see what would happen if I did that. And what really happened is I broke my own leg.
Speaker 1:Yeah, definitely not that. It's more of just something for me to focus on, and because I I get so bogged down with everything else and everybody else, that's where it's like, okay, I need to step back and really be mindful of where my head should be.
Speaker 3:That's for me. I like the word, I want you to share your words, but I like when you guys were like I had a word for the year, right. So like something that I'm being mindful about, or something that's like a goal I have or, you know, a mindset I want to be in.
Speaker 2:I like that. Yes, I think it's very much for us at this point Like it's not the goals that we used to have about you know, like a way we would an aesthetic essentially right, presenting an aesthetic Because also there is a part of you that is just you and it's okay to be you. So some of these goals that are more about just representing the aesthetic, and like putting vanilla frosting on a chocolate cake, it's not necessarily like the best idea. Chocolate cake's great with chocolate frosting. It's okay to be who you are, but ours are more like about definitely like our focus and our mindset for sure.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so maybe it's not a resolution, it's mindset, like that's our word for words.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because I feel like intention was a big word that was used in the past by me too, and I don't even know that it's so much of an intention now. I just definitely think it's like a mindset.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so what are the words?
Speaker 1:I'm leaning toward listen.
Speaker 2:That's where all of these like little things that happen Because again.
Speaker 1:I get so busy doing that I don't always step back and just listen to what things are telling me, so I'm trying to be better about that.
Speaker 2:I was going to say I like, love to do so. I don't have to listen. That's actually how I hyper fixate, so I can actually completely. This is one of my absolute favorites. I did this all day Monday. I almost called you. I was in a full tailspin all day Monday At one point, again scrubbing the baseboards. I was like what we are definitely not doing is feeling our feelings. We are scrubbing a baseboard, uh-oh.
Speaker 2:So after today, I was like today we're going to go wild. Tomorrow we're going to find some time to feel our feelings.
Speaker 1:Look at you balance, but it's like you know, listening to your body, like how it like feels around people, or how it feels when you do or don't things like work out Like I love to work out it makes me feel good. So it's like, okay, I'm going to do that because of that Not because I want to check a box and be like oh you know, four days this week. It's more of just like my body wants to move, so I'm going to go move.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I love that it's. I love that. It's not even like listening for others, it's like listening for you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think some of it's like intuition and gut. Her and I would talk a lot about intuition and gut and I to. I feel like I have pretty good intuition and gut, but I want to lean further into that.
Speaker 3:So do you guys have the same word?
Speaker 2:No, my word is love, of course it is. Don't kill me.
Speaker 3:Of course it is, but also that feels like, actually genuinely like yeah, that's a great word for her?
Speaker 2:I think so too.
Speaker 3:I'm not looking for love, and I know that that was exactly what you were going to say, and I know that it's not about what someone might think it's about it's not about love romantically. It's about loving Yep, your people.
Speaker 2:And I feel like I loving life Like.
Speaker 1:I feel like that is yes.
Speaker 2:And I feel like last year I, when I was doing the more red, I came out of this no year. Then I went to the more year and I started realizing that I did have cause. I was in a year prior or a couple of years where I really wasn't sure who I could trust and who to believe and like, who had my best interests in mind, and then I was also in a place where I had to keep some things from people that I loved, right. So then I go into this more year and I'm like really open about everything and I was like, okay, well, there are definitely people around me who really love me.
Speaker 2:Me pouring love into people is very easy. Me accepting love is very challenging. So what I really want to do this year is like be open, to like really taking what people are saying and doing at face value and if they don't mean that or if they didn't do it with a good intention, that is on them but that is not on me, and like trying to like experience it in the reverse, which is really hard for me. I can give it out all day long, but my track record of accepting it has really gone in a weird direction and so I just like platonic love, romantic love, puppies, whatever it is. I just want to actually allow that emotion in. Yeah, I love that, but why is that? Because I almost feel like that's kind of a woman want to actually like allow that emotion in.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I love that, but why is that? Cause I almost feel like that's kind of a woman issue, like, is it Do other?
Speaker 2:people have this issue.
Speaker 1:I mean, I will be honest with you, I feel like I kind of do like just what we were talking about yesterday, even if something as simple as like a compliment, like I'm so good at loving, but when it comes to like receiving love, I I'm so good at loving, but when it comes to like receiving love, I'm like it's always like do you really like? Are you sure?
Speaker 3:Like this is um, I talk about this actually quite a lot with friends of mine. It really comes from, like this place too, of people pleasing, right? So, like people pleasing, we tell people what we think they want to hear, right? We don't tell them all the time what we're honestly thinking, what we're honestly feeling, and we do things because we don't want to burden other people. So then this turns into we don't believe when someone tells us, yes, that they mean it. We don't believe that when people tell us they love us, they think we're awesome, whatever, that they mean it, because I'm not always truthful. So then why would someone be truthful with me?
Speaker 3:Yeah mean what you say but don't say it mean. And I think like that is like the crux of so much like of communication is like we're not clear and we don't follow through and sometimes we're nasty and that isn't helpful. Right, you don't have to be nasty when you say something, but you need to mean what you're actually saying and you need to follow through. Yeah, we, when we people please, right, like we don't always do what we, what we mean, like I'll say yes and I wish I would have said no, yeah, and then when someone tells me yes, I'm second guessing that.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:So it's like this two pronged approach with like on learning that behavior. Right, it's unlearning, you know that I'm a burden and it's unlearning that people aren't honest, like you were saying. I need to just take what people are saying at face value. If they mean something more and they didn't tell me, that's on them, that's not on me. I don't need to sleuth out what they were trying to say.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that's normally like, that's very naturally like where I go. So like even right now, like I this is like a random example, but it came up in the last two days like three times I've lost a little bit of weight. I of course people are like you look so pretty, have you lost weight? What are you doing? I am under a gigantic amount of stress, right, we won't even go into the whole situation, but my first thought is like oh my God, was I like fat? And nobody was telling me. And so, like I've been consumed for 48 hours with this obsession of like going back in pictures and like my own, and I was like, okay, this is not, this is not the goal we set. Like what are we doing here?
Speaker 1:It drives me crazy. I'm going to be honest with you. I mean, obviously I see you and I've noticed. Would I ever dare say anything? No, I would never. You look pretty. You looked pretty two years ago, you looked pretty five years ago, Like it just. Can we just fucking stop with it?
Speaker 2:Can we stop? But you also know that there's no secret and there is an incredible amount of like right, my, I have my divorce is finalizing this month. I have a dog that I am probably going to have to euthanize in the next week. I have to figure out my new health insurance. Like I just have all of these really big things that are happening at the same time and the holidays and my first holiday, and like it's, there's so much where, like, some people don't even realize and then other people are like let's be gentle here. Or I had Whitney reach out the other day and she was like, how is your day going? And then we ended up at lunch and it was like exactly what I needed, cause that's when I was hyper fixating and she didn't know that but I needed to step away. Like I had these safety nets. And then I have these other things where I'm like you're accidentally indulging the worst part of me, right, which is not their fault at all.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, I'm not saying that, I'm just saying that. No, I know, I just I wish we could just stop Stop preventing on people's bodies.
Speaker 3:Yes, I wish we could just stop Stop preventing on people's bodies. Yes, I wish we really could.
Speaker 1:I mean it would be great. I mean, and it's just like, for freak's sake, at what point is it going to? I don't know, because, again, you don't know what somebody is going through. They could be sick, they could be extremely stressed. I mean it just I don't know. Hot button for me, hot button, yeah.
Speaker 2:But there's of course that part where I'm like, oh my gosh, like what was I? Just like walking around?
Speaker 1:No, and, to be clear, you weren't so yeah, yeah, you're good.
Speaker 2:That's my example of like there's things that people say where they don't have like a bad intention.
Speaker 2:When I say to people, I don't have a bad intention but I'm like, okay, I really need to know that if my friends show up for me, it's not because as I also had somebody that was telling me that people are using you people only show up for you because they want something from you. Like this was a very constant conversation in my past life that helped me become very unsettled in some of those relationships and I don't necessarily think that's anyone else's fault other than other people's healing journeys, but this was very much something that I heard a lot of times and so it made me lose some trust in my family or in my friends and it made me self-isolate. And that was convenient for the storyline at that time. But I think this year for the storyline at that time, but I think this year I really needed to like feel it and be in it and like maybe even like enjoy it but not doubt it, and it doesn't have anything to do with like being in love.
Speaker 3:Right being in love with your own life.
Speaker 2:Yes, yeah, and like I really don't think I ever even thought enough about like platonic love, and last year that came up a lot for me and like I really don't think I ever even thought enough about like platonic love, and last year that came up a lot for me and I was like how do I teach this to my girls, you know, like how do we give them that self-confidence to like trust their instinct and then also feel love? And so maybe it's part of it's just being a girl mom that I'm thinking about oh no, we definitely think about it at our house too.
Speaker 3:That I'm thinking about oh no, we definitely think about it at our house too.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think a lot of it is accepting love too, Like I feel like and that's, and I'm not getting it too deep down the rabbit hole back up. But this is where I'm at with you know you deserve things, and when you don't get them, I want to come through the phone and hurt people. So it's like damn same thing. The things that you and deserve and I think this is everybody it's basic stuff, text call. Consider it's like these are not difficult things consider it's like.
Speaker 3:These are not difficult things. If you know what? This year we're not accepting anything, anything less than we deserve absolutely if you don't want to give me bare minimum, you can go.
Speaker 2:Yep, okay, well, I think I can relearn what bare minimum is.
Speaker 3:A little bit, oh yes so we're gonna raise that bar up to where it should be.
Speaker 2:Yes, you know what I mean, like what even is, because there's like things I'm like oh my gosh.
Speaker 3:And then I'm like that was probably like yeah yeah yeah, we, we have gotten real good at like crumbs yeah, that's a thing called it's breadcrumbing, right?
Speaker 2:I will say one thing I've really learned is like the what the bare minimum is and isn't in friendship. I feel like that's one thing that I'm really good at Like. I think I just don't necessarily like apply that to my romantic relationships enough, but like, um, I definitely know how to like show up for my friends and my friends that are around me know how to show up for me. So it's like figuring out that circle, just like applying it to men. I know, but I think that might be like partially their fault.
Speaker 3:Well, I think they're like they hold some responsibility, but we have to also say like like they hold some responsibility, but we have to also say like. I'm worthy. Okay, like I'm worthy, like I don't, I'm not going to accept less because you're not capable, which they are and can. So, thank you, just do it. And if you don't want to, then bye. Like, yeah, the thing is, it's the learned helplessness stuff, right, it's like I don't even know if I'm helpless, I would like to be like them, right, like we have said they can't do it, so then they don't do it, and then we don't expect that they can do it, which is not at all true.
Speaker 3:Men have emotional intelligence. Yeah, use it.
Speaker 2:It's right up there in their frontal lobe.
Speaker 3:It's in there, somewhere it's around.
Speaker 1:Well, in the meantime, I'm just going to keep going to country concerts and hanging out with my friends, because that seems to Well, and I think our society has made it, made it OK for the crumbs because it's like, oh, I don't need to talk to you, I can text you 40 times a day, or I don't need to ask you things about you, because the guy to girl ratio in Charleston is like freaking, you know, one to 12. I mean, it's like it's just, it's all this like culmination of all these things and it's just like, oh well, I don't need all of that, all that. And you keep saying that over and over and then all of a sudden, you it's like, wait a second, there's nothing left. Like, oh, he just texts me. Oh, that's great, I hear from him once every three weeks. Perfect, I'm in love. It's like what happened? What happened, dude?
Speaker 2:It's like that reel that I sent last night about the like 41. Get your cold cuts. Get your cold cuts. He like texts everyone on his list and then gets to that person.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that's the grossest feeling ever.
Speaker 2:I know it's pretty foul. It really yeah, the culture of dating is disgusting right now, I know. What do we do about that, or do we?
Speaker 1:just not date.
Speaker 3:I mean, you have a dog, you don't?
Speaker 1:have anything less than what you deserve. You deserve Absolutely. I was about to say Raise your standards and keep them.
Speaker 3:The thing is like dating in my mind is like I'm going out on a date, I'm getting to know you, I'm getting to see if I want to spend more time with you. If you present something to me that I don't want to spend more time with, then I'm not going to spend more time with you, yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And you don't have to beat yourself up for saying that on the first time or for the 10th time. You might learn by time 10 that you're like oh okay, no, I don't want this. This isn't for me. This person isn't treating me in the way that I want to be treated and deserve to be treated and have asked for it. Like I think we do need to, like ask for what we need. They are not they're not mind readers. But also we don't have to just accept, like that's what they can give me, like okay, like, if that's all that you can give me, I do need more and so, like, respectfully, I'm out, yeah.
Speaker 2:I feel like it's so hard, though. Like once you start having conversations or you start whatever, like I feel like that's when our intuition as women like almost kind of like it's almost like the wall crumbles, like a little bit, cause I feel like the wall is pretty high at the beginning and then we're like I'll let it slide, I'll let it slide, I'll let it slide. Um, I mean, I don't know it's pretty bad and I know it's not just me, right? I mean, I don't know it's pretty bad and I know it's not just me, right? I have friends who are like in this too, and I'm like this is not good, but I can see it better when they do it.
Speaker 3:Like sometimes I think about you, know people in our lives and it's like would I?
Speaker 2:my example, even with deciding that, ultimately, we just needed to be co-parents versus married. I mean, like, is this really the example that I want to set for the girls? Right? I feel like we would be much better as friends and not as their example of what love looks like, right? Yeah, but I apply that example to myself as a mom too, and I'm not always a perfect mom.
Speaker 3:Wait, say more about that.
Speaker 2:I feel like that's a scary therapist term. Say more about that. You know, when you have an outburst as a mom and you're like is that really the example I want to set?
Speaker 3:But there's a difference between that's very all or nothing, right. Like you're allowed to like have a hard day. You're allowed to like have a moment where you lose your shit on your kids and you can repair. Like I can go to my kids and say, like you know what? Like our morning didn't start great. I don't love how I talk to you. I don't love how you talk to me. I'd love to try again If I was yelling at my kids every single morning, never taking accountability and never repairing. That that's problematic, right. So that's like what happens when you in a relationship, when you don't talk about it, don't repair it, nobody's willing to do the work. Then we're like in that position.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:But having like a day where, like I wasn't my best and like that's not but I also think it teaches your kid that you don't have to be perfect all the time. You know and I agree with that. I don't want my kids to make them with clark. The other day I lost my shit about something. I don't even know what it was and I don't do it often, but I did and Clark was like do you have your period?
Speaker 3:oh no, she did not.
Speaker 1:Clark rude and I was like you know, I'm just having a bad day, I'm very overwhelmed and I'm just having a bad day. And so this week actually, she got in the car and just she lost it. She got in the car and just cried, lost it. She got in the car and just cried. She was so upset and then she wouldn't talk to me. She was given the silent treatment and then about 15 minutes later she was like I'm sorry, I was rude. I'm like, don't be sorry, you had a rough day. Like take you whatever you need, like let's go to Costco and get you an ice cream.
Speaker 3:We'll put it back in neutral, but you were teaching her something in that moment, right, like you said, like we're showing them that we don't need to be perfect and that you can have a bad day. You can take accountability. You can say you're sorry that I don't know about you, but I don't think I had any parent apologize to me for their behavior growing up.
Speaker 1:No, yeah, that was not a. Thing. I don't think.
Speaker 2:No, I will say this, though I saw this thing the other day that when we have our period, we actually have more testosterone in our body. So did you send that to me? Yeah, basically, I'm a boy, right? Yes, so, by the way, when they're saying like, oh, you're more emotional because you have your period, we actually are built at that moment more like them. So that emotional outburst that's why they are technically actually Triggered, yeah, triggered what? Yes, that's when we are at the height of our testosterone, and so we are more like a man in that moment. So all they're doing is calling themselves out. That is more testosterone pouring into your body. And, by by the way, men are actually significantly more emotional than women. It's just that there shows up in frustration and anger, and ours happens to show up in tears sometimes. But that's okay.
Speaker 2:I just feel like I just wanted to go on that soapbox for a little bit, because I see all these things like even like male coaches, right, like ripping their playbook and screaming. I'm like y'all are actually kind of emotional, like you guys get real twisted about stuff, but like I feel like I'm pretty like, and then I wait till I'm like really losing it. Actually, it's usually something incredibly small. Goodness, everything could be on fire and I like, let's get some water, we're going to, but it could be like I spilled. I tripped up this stairs the other day and spilled my coffee that I just bought and I was like I'm going to. This is the moment where I'm going to cry.
Speaker 3:Like why it is always that.
Speaker 2:I know, and, but it could just literally be like fires, not a problem, got you Nope my coffee, though, like that one emotional thing that I was white knuckling.
Speaker 3:That was going to be my one thing for me. Oh, she's gone.
Speaker 2:I didn't mean to hijack it with relationship talk, but I do think that self-worth is like a big part of the conversation around making intentions or resolutions or goals for the new year and I think like no different. I think listen and love both play completely into that Like finding enough self-worth to say, like I don't have to respond to that email immediately, I want to think about that. Or like we talked to Kirsten Hatcher about. You know, something happened to me the other day and I was really frustrated and I just said I'm going to hit pause because I'm about to be nasty. And then I went to my notes and I was like I need to work through this, but I I'm not going to play into your game and be mean just so that I look like the crazy person, but then also like I really need to think about this from my own perspective and my own values and my own beliefs, without just like exploding into this Shania Twain style. A lot of it comes down to self-worth, even the love thing, for sure.
Speaker 1:Well, it's everything. I think it's self-worth with relationships, your friendships work? I don't. I have conversations with people all the time. I'm like you have got to know your worth and value wherever you are. It doesn't matter what kind of relationship it is if, if it work, you're grossly underpaid or they treat you like crap, like you have more value and you're, it's not worth having somebody treat you like that. Oh, it's a thing for me.
Speaker 2:No, for sure, I think. And then we find excuses for all of those things or even reasons why we shouldn't have it. I'm like, okay, we got to get rid of that. Whatever we do this year, like if you're on the inside of the circle, you got to be coming from a deep place of love, otherwise I don't know if you can be here.
Speaker 3:But also like, as it should be.
Speaker 2:No, I know, I just wasn't doing that.
Speaker 3:I think it's hard for us Like you know, like both of you are saying it it's hard to say like I deserve, I deserve like this bare minimum right, like we've been kind of conditioned, to say like, oh well, you can operate on less and you have, and you've been fine I hate that word, but getting by, you know, and I don't think that's tolerable, obviously because everyone I talk to that's like, at this stage of life, raising kids is like about to lose their mind and we talk about it the more we break down the shame around. I'm not doing a good job or whatever, because none of us know what the heck we're doing. We're just trying and seeing what works.
Speaker 2:Well, I feel very much like the need to purge it. So, like when I do something like have an outburst, I almost always have to text like one or two or three people and be like I just lost my mind where it used to be, like, oh, I just had like three donuts right in a parking lot and that's just a shitty example. But I'm like that. Those are the things now that I like have to like say out loud and get off my chest, cause I don't like them to just be mine. I don't know what that behavior is. I love that, even like last night with you guys, and that, like real, I accidentally said I'm like um, okay, just so you know.
Speaker 1:I did something crazy. Confession yes, I am.
Speaker 2:I'm very much a confessor right now and I don't know if it's because, like, my life was a little bit secretive for like a second or like what it is, but I feel like it could be like the most amazing dinner. But if it's something crazy, like y'all I just like last week when I almost shit my pants, I text at least four people and I was like y'all, something crazy just happened to me. Normal person would have kept that to themselves. So I think no, no, no, no, no, no.
Speaker 3:Not normal person, right? It's the shame. Okay, is that what it is? It's shame Because your shame tells us. It says be quiet about this, because you're the only one that's experiencing this. You're wild, you're nutty, right? But it does.
Speaker 3:It tricks you into thinking like you're the only one. And when we talk about it, right, like I think I remember listening to one of your podcasts about, like how you know the mayhem is like it's talking about just the realness of life, but then everyone's like, yeah, like me too, or like been through that, or I've known someone who has, and it breaks down that silence that like I'm the only one experiencing this thing, and then it feels like oh, it's not just me.
Speaker 2:So like I don't suck, no, and that's been like the biggest plus of the podcast, in some ways, like the more I would have never 15 months ago. I've been like I'm definitely going to tell everyone I almost shit my pants, but here we are.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean now it's like.
Speaker 2:But what's happening, too, is like people are coming into my DMS. Like I had somebody that we know come into my DMS the other day and say can I ask you a really personal question? And I was like yes, obviously it was a girl. I've been blocking boys left and right. I actually deleted comments in the last week. A couple of boys have been like commenting on my videos. I've just been hitting delete. I was like that looks like you're peeing on a tree. You can't be here. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm just like you're not taking claim. Something about that feels weird. I'm like delete, delete, delete. No boys are allowed to comment. You can slide into my DMS If you want to do that. I don't want anyone to think that somehow you're connected. Here you can go. This is for girls. This page, this is for girls. Bye, this is for girls only.
Speaker 2:But she came into my DMs and she was like how scared were you to hook up with somebody that wasn't your husband? Like was that? And I was like oh, I was like not going to judge you, are you okay? Where are you in this process? What are you thinking about? Is that the scariest part for you? Because I was like I know that when I got to that part of this conversation with myself and like the process, that was already pretty deep into it. So I was like, do you need a friend? Do you need, like, what do you need from me? Like you're safe here, never going to tell a soul, talk from me like you're safe here, never going to tell a soul, talk to me, and that's probably the third time that's happened.
Speaker 2:Yeah, People want to just feel seen and they have nowhere to say Like. I know, when I was getting divorced, I ran into a friend of a friend at old Navy and I wasn't even sure that she was divorced. But I was like hey, I have a really weird question for you Are you divorced? And she was like yes. I was like can I like text you later? Yes, and we're like friends now. But it was like a weird thing and I have another friend that's in Somerville that I've never even met.
Speaker 2:That was on an Instagram friend that I talked to a lot about like the different parts of the process that I was in because I don't have resources. So I'm like, whether it's like the next part of dating or the divorce part, or like I also accidentally almost shit my pants, I don't want anyone to ever feel like isolated Cause. Right, Motherhood's isolating, being a girl is strangely isolating, right. Like having a period is isolating.
Speaker 2:We talked to Kirsten Hatcher about the cups thing. I was telling her that cause she was like I thought about using a cup and I was like never going back, Right. So I was like, just so you know, I'm a big fan and my sister-in-law would tell you the same thing, there's no other way. But okay, so when I'm like, but if we don't talk about these things, right, we have this other Christina girl from come on, Mama, that came on here and talked about period panties. If no one says it, how in the world? Then we all have to start at A, and then we have to do B alone and then C alone, and we're only ever going to get to E. If we actually want to get further, we have got to start talking about some of this stuff and make it less ostracizing. Almost I feel like that is one way that they do they, whoever they they is, keep women a little bit small oh, yeah, right, like yeah.
Speaker 3:When I started talking about how hard it was because I was of many of my people and you just I felt like I was drowning and I felt like I don't know how to do this. I suck at this, I'm awful and like. The more I about it, the more like I felt, seen and understood and was able to like say like, oh, like, this is just hard, got it Okay.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but it's like scary because you don't want to say it to somebody and have them be like yeah, you do suck. Yeah, I know People are like I felt so beautiful when I was pregnant, yeah.
Speaker 3:Well, and that's the thing, you have to read the room a little bit right. Like not everyone is going to be the people that you share all the things with, you know, and like.
Speaker 1:Unless you're me and Becca, they weren't like. I was like uh, oops.
Speaker 3:Well, you know, it depends on, like, who you are, but I've learned the hard way, you know, about who I can share certain things with and I've had, like unfortunately, poor experiences sharing my experiences and having that like definitely looked down on and judge, and so I'm like got it, like I'm not going to beat myself up for sharing with you, but now I know you showed me thank you, got it noted will not be sharing with you in the future and that does help you like weed them out real quick, like if you're, if you're gonna, if that's your reaction but that's also like the opposite of love, right?
Speaker 2:because you and I have a mutual acquaintance that we, um, we trust as big as my pinky now and unfortunately that it just is what it is. But like it's to me it's very like black and white, like that just is where you are, you're around. Great Love that for you. But like it doesn't, I'm like I'm going to, I'm going to manage my own self according to the script that you gave me, so when it looks different with other people, you don't need to feel a way about that Like this was your decision and I think it's that way even in friendships, right?
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Probably even romantic relationships. Right, you have different depths with different people. I still talk to like some of the boys in my life, not like I used to, but like do you know what I mean? Like good friends, even, like people, the coworkers from the past, like I, I keep, if I, if I felt love from you and you've provided a safe place for me. Like it's very unlikely that like, in some way you've completely distanced yourself out of my life.
Speaker 2:I mean like one of my good friends I worked with actually two of them I worked with forever and like, for a little bit there there was a year or two or three where we didn't have as much to talk about, or maybe I was isolated, or motherhood or whatever. But now they both have young kids and I'm like I cannot let that happen to you. Like I'm right here if you need me, are you okay? Go Bills, whatever it is that we like have in alignment, I mean I just I don't want to feel isolated in any way. I don't want to feel judged. It's fine if you do, that's on you, but I don't want. I want to know that. I want other people to know that they can come to me for sure.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I'm going to keep your secrets. You can ask me she's like it's going to be sound crazy. I was like, just say it, ask me the weird question.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, it's never. I'm never going to. If you have some weird story, it's never enough. I want more details 100%.
Speaker 2:I mean, I tell you guys the weirdest shit.
Speaker 3:Whenever you're like I have the weirdest thing, I smile more than I've ever smiled Like I'm ready to pop popcorn. I'm ready, please, that might be a cup of tea.
Speaker 2:I'm like I can't keep it to myself. I'm like y'all, I just did the most fucked up thing. Or I'm like oh, are we? Or like write the tattoo. So you're the only person who knew about the third tattoo for like a while, for a long time.
Speaker 3:I just kept it to myself, really yeah oh, um, yeah, no, you're the only person that knew, because I was like, oh, because I thought I was going on vacation with my mom and I was like cindy's gonna about to see you basically naked the whole time, got it and I was like she's, is she gonna freak out?
Speaker 2:and you're like yeah, I'm freaking out a little bit.
Speaker 3:I was like oh yeah, mom's gonna freak out, for sure. I was like is she going to freak?
Speaker 2:out and you're like, yeah, I'm freaking out a little bit. I was like, oh yeah, mom's going to freak out, for sure. I was like, okay, just so you know I'm done. But like I give these like weird, I'm like I have this weird thing, hot potato, you have it.
Speaker 3:She's just tossing it over, jenny. She's like. I want to hold it.
Speaker 1:You got it popping popcorn. I'm like am I going to be okay?
Speaker 2:You're like yes, probably not Not in surprise of me anymore. I'm just like, oh yeah, that sounds about on brand Yep. No, I mean, I don't think I'm out of control, I just think I'm like figuring out the spaces but yeah, I love when you're like, am I unhinged?
Speaker 3:And I'm like, hello, but it's okay, we're going to circle back.
Speaker 2:Oh, I'm trying to figure out my way, but I also feel like I did a really good job last year. Even though it looked a little unhinged, maybe, from the outside, it actually was very under control.
Speaker 3:Yeah, like some wallpaper and a tattoo or two. I think we're okay.
Speaker 1:Grand skier. Yeah, I mean, you didn't go to jail. Like you're fine, I didn't go to jail.
Speaker 2:I didn't. I didn't date a bunch of people. I didn't.
Speaker 3:I wasn't like slutty.
Speaker 2:I didn't like I didn't go off, just so we're clear. That would have been fine, okay, and I love you for that. But I'm just saying, like I didn't go off, I didn't really like put myself out there to like torture myself or be destructive.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I was like actually we weren't doing that.
Speaker 2:No, I really feel like I didn't.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I feel like probably one of the most destructive things I did was get a puppy.
Speaker 2:I'm just saying, cause right now we're going through it. I'm like, well, this is exhausting. We did tell you we did, and I'm really hoping we can get past the exhausting thing pretty soon here.
Speaker 3:We got to be turning a corner soon, I think.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think we're on our hopefully last antibiotic, so maybe then we'll be good. She's actually very nice and very sweet. She's just got 9,000 UTIs.
Speaker 1:And on that note, yes, we're wrapping it up, folks.
Speaker 3:On UTIs, with UTIs On.
Speaker 1:UTIs Know your worth in UTIs Right.
Speaker 2:Find somebody that you can tell your craziness to Right, and if you can't find someone, you got the two of us Gang's all here yeah.
Speaker 3:Christina, thank you again for coming.
Speaker 1:Oh, I love it, always love to have you All right, guys. Thanks so much for tuning in and we will see you next week.