Heal and Stay Healed with Kelly B Haney
The Heal and Stayed Healed with Kelly B Haney podcast is for anyone who is sick and tired of being sick and tired, particularly those with autoimmune disease or other chronic illness. It's for those who are ready to truly heal, and more importantly, truly STAY healed.
Through my training as a Certified Nutrition Coach, but mostly through insight gained from my personal experience with overcoming severe Ulcerative Colitis, I want to equip you to get better, stay better, and to become healthier than ever.
I've been able to stay completely autoimmune flare-free for well over a decade, and I believe that if I can do it, then you can too! Our bodies want to heal. They know how to heal. We just have to give them the support that they need.
I'm honored to walk alongside you as you take the next step in your own healing journey. Let's heal and stay healed together.
Heal and Stay Healed with Kelly B Haney
When Your Loved One Has a Chronic Illness with Brian Haney
What would you do if the person you love most in the world was struck with a severe chronic illness? It's a tough question, but it's one my partner, Brian, had to face head on when I experienced a life-threatening, year-long flare of Ulcerative Colitis. Join us for this raw and honest discussion about the emotional and physical turmoil that chronic illness brings, not just for the patient, but for their loved ones too. Our conversation reveals the real-life challenges and lessons learned throughout our journey, alongside the power of resilience and hope.
As we navigated our way through a sea of medical appointments, treatments, and emotional upheavals, we discovered that caregivers are often overlooked warriors in these battles. In our chat, Brian and I delve into the pivotal role of caregivers, shedding light on the strength and endurance needed to support a loved one while maintaining personal wellbeing. From our experience, we highlight the undeniable significance of a strong support network and the vital practice of self-care, while agreeing that there simply is no "instruction manual" for this sort of thing.
Website: www.kellybhaney.com
Email: info@kellybhaney.com
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Facebook: Kelly B Haney Wellness
Welcome to the Heal and Stay Healed podcast, where we talk about healing and, more importantly, staying healed from chronic disease and other ailments and issues. We'll cover all the crazy things about health and life the good, the bad, the ugly and the hilarious. My name is Kelly and I'm a survivor and overcomer of severe autoimmune disease, and I can't wait to share with you what I've learned so that you can heal and stay healed too. Thanks for listening and enjoy the show. Welcome back to the Heal and Stay Healed with Kelly B Haney podcast. I'm Kelly B Haney and I'm here today with Brian Haney. That's right. My partner in real life is going to be my partner on this podcast today, who will be joining us to talk about a very important topic. Welcome, Brian, to the show.
Speaker 1:Very excited to be here. Thanks for having me.
Speaker 2:So I invited Brian on today as our first guest, because the topic we're going to cover is an important one to cover early, because it's one of the biggest things that someone who is suffering with a chronic disease or illness needs, and that is support, both physical support and emotional support. And if you listen to my story in episode one, then you know that I certainly was in a position where I needed some major support, and Brian and I have been together for quite some time.
Speaker 1:A little while. A little while.
Speaker 2:We've reached that point where it's hard to remember how long, so Right. So he was with me as I was going through it, so he can bring this unique perspective to the table, which is going to be helpful for anyone who is in his position of having a loved one who is ill and not really knowing what to do. But before we get into this serious yet important topic, let's start off with some fun questions to get to know Brian. Obviously I know him, but this is a good opportunity for you, the audience, to get to know him a little bit, and I have a few questions for him that I have not asked him in advance, so he has had no time to prepare, so this will be interesting.
Speaker 1:Here we go.
Speaker 2:Question one what kind of car best describes your personality?
Speaker 1:So, out the gate, I would say my favorite car would be like a 67 Thunderbird, but I don't think that that actually fits my personality. I think, if I'm honest, probably a Shelby Cobra, maybe of in and around the same ilk, is a little bit more appropriate, because it's fun, fast, exciting, but also can go a little too fast, can get a little too out of control, and I think that that probably speaks to both sides of my personality in terms of how I like to live. So the dangers of having a neurodivergent mind and kind of being all over the place and going a million miles an hour. So there you go, we're going to go with the Shelby Cobra.
Speaker 2:That was impressive and in that answer you divulge something the audience might find interesting is that you mentioned your neurodivergent.
Speaker 1:That's right, neurodivergent, super fun thing to have for someone who's married to a person with type A personality type, and that's probably about the exact opposite and I know has grated on your soul and your spirit for a long time. So thanks for sticking with me for this journey.
Speaker 2:Yes, type A perfectionism meets ADHD. It's been an interesting ride. We've been on Okay. What kind of animal do you relate to the most, and why? This can be either what you consider to be your spirit animal or just one that reminds you of yourself.
Speaker 1:I mean, this one's pretty easy. I love dogs. I love all kinds of animals, don't get me wrong. So animals of all types. But just having had dogs my whole life growing up, and just the way that their personalities tend to bring out the best in us, I think that that's what I would easily say. It would be both my spirit animal as well as the animal that I enjoy being around the most and interacting with the most.
Speaker 2:Yes, I love dogs as well, even though we don't have one ourselves. But I did hear something funny the other day All dogs go to heaven except Chihuahuas. Those suckers go straight to hell.
Speaker 1:Probably accurate.
Speaker 2:No offense to Chihuahuas. Yeah, that's another story for another day about the time I was attacked while jogging by a Chihuahua.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we've all had those stories though.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, Okay. Do you have a TV show, movie or another podcast recommendation for us?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean I think I would highly recommend anybody just looking for a good show to enjoy. I'd say suits. I think a lot of people have seen it or watched it and enjoyed it, but really got a lot out of it, really loved the characters and yeah, it was a great show. So that's what I'm going to recommend.
Speaker 2:Especially if you're team Megan and Harry right.
Speaker 1:There you go. Yeah, yet another reason.
Speaker 2:Okay, well, thank you for humoring me, especially given that I did not send those to you in advance. That was pretty good, so let's transition now get a little more serious. Just a very quick recap for anyone who hasn't heard my story. I had a year long monster, life threatening flare of ulcerative colitis. It was filled with ups and downs, but basically I was sick for an entire year and for a period of that time looked like I might not survive. Part of the time I was in the hospital, part of the time I was home. There was a lot of bouncing around, we had our little baby at the time at home and you still had a full time job and all the other responsibilities of life, when I was essentially not a lot of help for those things during that time, for obvious reasons. So, setting that all up, I'm just going to ask you to just speak about what that was like for you during that year.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, let's start out by giving the appropriate shout out to your mom, who was also super helpful and involved, because without her, I think probably both of us would have devolved into insanity.
Speaker 1:So she was amazing, thanks mom, it was probably, as anyone would guess, it was extremely challenging. And I think it was challenging on two levels emotionally, watching someone that you love struggle to the degree that you did and literally get close to death and be faced with a scenario of, oh my gosh, like my wife could die. That's an impossibly hard thing to experience for any spouse. And so just I think that gripped me on a lot of levels that I probably even wasn't aware of at the time. But just yeah, it was an emotionally provocative experience.
Speaker 1:But I think the other side of it that was equally challenging but in a different way, was feeling so helpless because I wanted to be able to do something.
Speaker 1:All the time I was like, what can I do to help you get better? But the problem was, especially at this time in our lives and in your life, the answer was probably not a whole lot, if anything I could do, like I just couldn't do anything. Those two things, as I reflect back on it, were really really significant. And yet things that also have helped, I think, try to give me fuel, perspective and have taught me quite a bit since then, because I don't know that I look back on that and say I handled that as best as I could. There's probably a lot of things in retrospect when you go back you wish you could have done a little bit better, but I did try to just be there for you and by your side the whole time and hopefully that in and of itself was meaningful. But that was obviously a very hard experience for both of us to go through together.
Speaker 2:One thing that sticks out to me during that time is, in every relationship with two people, usually one person does certain things and the other person does certain things, and so suddenly you were there having to try to do everything, including all of the things that I had always done. What was that like for you to just suddenly be like okay, now you have to literally juggle everything.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's also a good example of a time where my ADHD really worked against me, trying to juggle so many things that were not just the things that I needed to try to handle, but now all the things that you used to handle and I couldn't. That was quite a juggling act that I was at the time, and probably still to this day, not very skilled or adept at knowing how to navigate.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we laugh about it now but I remember during the times that I was home but still bedridden and you would kindly make me some breakfast and you'd bring in scrambled eggs and banana or something I don't remember what it was, that's not important but you'd hand it to me and then go off to do something else in the kitchen and I'd be like I need a fork. And you'd be like, oh man, and then you'd bring the fork and I'd be like, can you get me some water? And after I'd asked you five times to get some water, so yeah, anyway, you tried. That's what mattered.
Speaker 1:I did try, I didn't starve.
Speaker 2:Yes, you did your best and I appreciate it.
Speaker 1:Thank you. We both got to grow through this and I think that we can expand upon that probably in great detail in another episode. But it was really hard to do it, but we did manage to do it together the best that we knew how.
Speaker 2:So you mentioned you learned a lot by going through this experience. What would you do differently if you had the chance to do it over again, being a caretaker during this time?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean Rewriting history. I would have Certainly figured out a few things in terms of how to be my best self dealing with the ADHD part, because I think that that took the most Significant toll on me just being able to function really well for you and not get frustrated, because my frustrations were never well, they certainly were with the situation, but they were really more self frustrations, like why can't I be better at doing things that you would think somebody should be good at handling? So I think just I've certainly from that period of time to right now, spent a lot more time understanding the adult level impact that I, that the ADHD, has on me. And I think the other part is just there was a way for me to give you a greater sense of of just Security in in what was probably of just a constantly scary dynamic. I wish I could have done that a little bit better.
Speaker 1:I know I fell short in that place because I didn't feel it myself. I probably didn't have it to give away because I was so scared and Not in in a full place emotionally. But again, we're rewriting history and revining the clock. I would have Made every human effort possible to have been full of these things that I would have wanted to be able to have then given to you To fill up your emotional cup and to meet those needs as much as I possibly could have, because clearly I knew I couldn't Do something to magically Heal you and make you better. So I think that that's those are the two areas I really think the most about and wish I could have done way, way, way differently now.
Speaker 2:So it's interesting hearing you address this, because I think there's no Owners manual, there's no clear list of instructions of how to take care of someone who is Suffering, especially in this case. I mean, you had been with me through earlier flares, but those were Nothing in comparison and I didn't need a lot of additional things from you during those times. But this was uncharted territory for both of us and I think Sometimes you got to learn as you go. It's not going to be like here's five bullet points of how to support your partner as they go through chronic illness. It sounds like it's more about just being aware and available and Adjustable to what your partner or loved one needs. Would you say that that's fair?
Speaker 1:No, I think that that's really good, because and I think maybe the last point is to cut yourself as much slack as you can, because if you're facing something like this, you're right, there isn't a manual, there's not, somebody can't hand you the script to follow, and that, for both parties, is going to be Extremely hard because you just don't know what do I do now, and usually most people are trying to figure that out and so, in an uncontrollable, unwinnable type of a situation, giving yourself a ton of grace and slack which is hard to do because you know you're both in this situation when you just want it to change, you just want it to end, you just want to get out, and that becomes all-consuming. I mean, naturally, if you're facing life and death, that's an all-consuming experience.
Speaker 1:Yeah, for sure in terms of just being being there, and again, I hope that that was the part that I look back on and am at least proud of that. You could have the predictability of my presence. I didn't run away from the problem. I didn't know what to do in the problem. I wish to God I could have known more, but I wasn't someone who was going to run away or or be absent from it, and I think that that matters a lot the the actual presence of, of someone that is just by your side and you know you can count on. But I I want to kind of ask you what were some of the things that were the most helpful to you during this time?
Speaker 2:Well, I think you just said it was like I could rely on you and even if I had to remind you to get me a fork or glass of water or whatever, you did it, you got it done. And, yeah, I never had the sense that you were going to be like screw this, I'm out, this is too hard. Forget it, you definitely. I could see you struggling, but I could see you being persistent in trying to figure out how to help, and that was helpful and that meant a lot, and also the fact that you didn't let the rest of our lives fall to pieces. In terms of you, you were still going to work. Why don't you talk to us about how you did that?
Speaker 1:I do remember it was so meaningful to me that I had a manager at the time that knew what I was going through and was just amazingly caring and supportive, and that I had people in my life in the professional domain that helped, at least created the safety of space and understanding and were empathetic to the situation, Because I think if that wasn't the case, it probably just would have all been overwhelming and terrible. But being able to step into the professional domain and have that be a place of understanding was really really impactful to me and allowed me to manage what was really an unmanageable dynamic.
Speaker 2:So it sounds like maybe some good advice that we can propose today is it's not just the person who is sick and suffering who needs the support, it's the caretaker that also needs the support Because, as we just said, if it wasn't for my mom, if it wasn't for your manager at the time, things would have looked a lot different and we may not have. Well, I shudder to think of how we would have found our way out of that situation, not just having our child cared for, but having our finances not go completely to ruin. And yeah, I could go down a dark hole of what could have happened if I didn't have the support I needed, but all the more so you didn't have the support you needed to keep everything from just completely unraveling during that time.
Speaker 1:That is so incredibly important to reconcile and to think about, because we had a really great family dynamic and we are super fortunate that that was the case for us, but also, yeah, in terms of friends. It took a village, there was a team, and maybe not all of them recognized or understood the important roles that they were playing, but that was vital.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I want to shout out to all the friends that were there to support us during that time, just like my mom couldn't have done it without any of you either, and you know who you are.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, I'm into that, you know. I think maybe that's another point to just leave as a nugget for the audience that if you don't have a network or if you're feeling isolated and alone, do try to reach out and find people to help you through this. You just need to have enough people in your life to help you be able to go through something, because this is not something that can happen successfully on your own.
Speaker 2:And one thing I've learned since then is that even if people aren't clamoring or breaking down your door offering to help, it doesn't mean that people don't want to help. It often means that they don't know how to help. And I think you know I had people say that to me after the fact and said you know, I wish I had done more, I just didn't know what to do during that time. So I think one if you are that person who has a friend who is suffering and doesn't know how to help, ask or just do things you know have a meal sent over, come over, do some laundry.
Speaker 2:In the flip side of that, if you are a partner who is feels like you're drowning, trying to support your loved one during that time, get out your Rolodex, to use an old fashioned term, and just start calling people and saying, hey, it'd be really amazing if you could do this for me, you know, if you could run this errand, if you could watch our child for a few hours, things like that and talking about things we would do differently. That would be a good place to start is that we would be not shy about asking for more help, not just so you didn't get burned out. But so my mom didn't get burned out, that's right.
Speaker 2:And, yeah, we did have friends that were there, that were those kinds of friends that would show up and take care of things and help us tremendously. But the challenge is that when things are as dire as they got for us during that time, there's just so much that needs to be taken care of, Because one person is completely out of the equation the sick person, the support person's capacity is going to be very limited, and especially for people in our situation who not just had a child, but had a baby at the time, we needed a ton of support. So I am eternally thankful to all of those friends of mine who showed up and just took care of business. Again, you know who you are. I love you all.
Speaker 2:But the reality was we just we could have used even more help, probably from the people on the sidelines who really wanted to help but just didn't know what to do or how to give that help. And so I think, in terms of lessons learned, it's okay to ask for more help. Even if you're already receiving help, it's okay to ask for more.
Speaker 1:Definitely, that's, right.
Speaker 2:And just a quick little side note, it's not all about coming over and doing laundry or bringing a meal over or babysitting for a while. Additionally, one of the things that meant the most to me during my time, especially during the days in the hospital, were the friends who would just check on me. One friend in particular, every day around the same time, would send me a message simply saying are you any better today? How are you doing? I'm thinking about you.
Speaker 2:And it was so meaningful to me, even though there were some days where it was partly hard to get those texts, when I couldn't say that I was doing any better, when I had to say I'm not doing better or I'm doing worse. But it meant the world to me just to get that text around the same time every day. I could rely on it. Because when you're in the hospital for days, weeks on end, you start to feel dehumanized in the sense that it feels like the world has moved on without you. So any little reminder that that's not the case can be very helpful. But that's just a little example of how small things can make a big difference in terms of helping out a loved one who is sick.
Speaker 1:Definitely.
Speaker 2:Okay. So, Brian, as we start to wrap up, give me some adjectives to describe a caretaker who is, I won't say ideal, but someone who is doing their best in taking care of a loved one who is going through an illness.
Speaker 1:Empathy is always probably number one, two and three, because really trying to understand as much as you can what somebody's experiencing and showing up for them as best you can when you understand it is huge. Persistence as well is another one. Just constantly trying to do anything and everything that you can in a situation that there may not be much you can do, but at least persisting in persevering. Maybe that's another one, a couple of Ps in there. Just keep trying. I think love and care probably go without saying. And I think maybe the last one, the last P well, we've got three Ps mixed in with a bunch of other ones.
Speaker 1:I know it's pretty good Is patience, and I will tell them myself that's maybe another thing that I wish I had done a little bit better at. But just being patient when somebody's struggling with anything chronically and certainly to the level that you were, you just gotta again keep showing up and doing a lot of things. That can be monotonous or challenging or hard, but you gotta keep doing it and be patient, because obviously both of you wish the whole situation would go away. Yeah, if we can be patient and carrying it uplifting and just stay the course. It's hard, you know, but you and I can both sit here. We're both sitting here, able to say there is light at the end of the tunnel. You can go through something like this and come out on the other end, and I don't know that we would have thought that at certain intervals, but it is possible.
Speaker 2:It sure is Okay for our final topic of conversation. What would you say is the biggest landmine to avoid or pitfall to avoid when carrying for a loved one who is sick?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think this one is maybe easier to pinpoint and I think that that's just to not let the situation become something that you turn on each other in the relationship. When you're both wrestling with something that is beyond your ability to control or impact your influence, and there are so many challenging days, I think it's really easy to let that grate on the relationship and to have it be divisive, and there are so many things that can fit that type of a framework. Staying in a relationship is hard, but especially in these moments where two parties are so desperate for change and are right there with each other, it is pretty easy to kind of turn around and project that experience on to the other person. There's safety in doing that right. There's seeming psychological safety because the person's there. Obviously that's a destructive thing to do to each other and so just to be aware of that, don't get broken by what is breaking one of the two people in the relationship.
Speaker 2:And again, that reinforces why it's so important for you, as the caretaker, to have an outlet, because you're taking all this on and you're probably taking on the frustrations of the sick person who needs to get that out.
Speaker 2:And being a caretaker is not just making eggs and bringing forks and water. It's obviously helping with the emotional piece which we didn't talk a whole lot about today. I'm just not realizing. But again, that's because there is no playbook, there is no manuscript here. So it's just I guess we did talk about it in the sense of being there and I remember you know I was able to tell you exactly how I was feeling. I was able to cry on your shoulder, scream in frustration, just whatever, and you were a safe space for that. But then again, the flip side is you needed outside support then, so that doesn't all land on you and get stuck on you and in addition to all of the emotions and frustrations and anger and fear and everything that you were feeling, as well as everything that I was feeling, yeah, again, hindsight being what it is, that was the stuff that I didn't handle very well in the moment and then had to kind of unpack years afterwards because it left scars.
Speaker 1:Obviously, any kind of situation like this is going to leave a lot of scars. But, yeah, being able to have outlets, therapists or people that you can find during those types of experiences to help you emotionally, not just physically, is essential. It would have made a massive difference for us both if we had more of that and we had a great amount in our spheres of friends and stuff. But this is really, really important to try to navigate and don't step on that landmine. Don't let it become something that takes you down.
Speaker 2:Live and learn. That's what healing and staying healed is all about.
Speaker 1:Absolutely.
Speaker 2:Well, brian, this has been a good conversation and I hope that others have found it encouraging. Just to summarize, our message is again there's no playbook. Definitely not Even having gone through this ourselves, we can't be like. Here are the five things you need to do. I think those adjectives you just gave kind of summed it up, and those were empathy, persistence, perseverance and patience, with the additional reminder that, for those who are supporting someone who's sick, that person needs support as well.
Speaker 1:Definitely. Yeah, it does take a village.
Speaker 2:So there are many more conversations that I want to have with you, building off of this one. I want to have you come back to talk about how to support your loved one who is healing and staying healed naturally, because obviously the getting sick part was just the beginning of the story. We have been through so much together. You have been with me through my entire healing journey and have been 100% supportive, and so there is much that you have to share and much advice that you have to give on that topic, so we will have you back soon to talk about that. Also, you've mentioned several times today ADHD, and we will have you back to talk about that, particularly the natural ways that you have learned to help manage it over the years. That will be a great conversation, so I'm very excited for that. Definitely it's been fun. We'll do it again soon.
Speaker 1:I look forward to it. Thanks for having me.
Speaker 2:Okay, friends, I will catch you for the next episode. Thank you so much for your support and if you have received value from this today, please consider supporting my the Wideed to produce this podcast by downloading, subscribing and sharing it with your friends. I am honored to walk alongside you on this journey as we heal and stay healed together.