Ep. 50 Building Relationships That Honour Who You Are - Mini Solo Episode

Radical Authenticity and True Intimacy: Embracing Honesty in Self and Relationships

In this insightful episode of the Heal Now What podcast, host Lisa Dawn explores the profound concept of radical authenticity and its critical role in self-discovery and building genuine relationships. 

She draws inspiration from somatic therapist Lexi Florentina on valuing our bodies and their histories. 

Lisa highlights how making authentic choices shapes our lives, the difficulty of prioritizing self-care, and the challenges of fostering true intimacy through inner work and facing painful truths. The episode emphasizes the importance of practicing rupture and repair, creating safety through honesty, and the interplay of neuroception and trust. 

Practical steps for self-awareness, like mindfulness and acknowledging emotions, are discussed, presenting a path to deeper, liberated connections founded on genuine love rather than fear or performance.

Follow lisa Here 

00:00 Introduction and Warm Welcome

01:00 Reflecting on Our Bodies and Experiences

02:43 The Importance of Choices in Healing

04:08 Challenges in Prioritizing Ourselves

04:49 Relationships and Inner Work

05:54 Owning Our Self-Betrayals

06:56 Practicing Radical Authenticity

08:23 Addressing Issues in Real-Time

08:59 Personal Example: Stockpiling Emotions

09:25 Addressing Hurt in the Moment

10:05 The Gift of Rupture and Repair

11:55 Choosing Truth Over Comfort

15:04 Rediscovering Ourselves

17:28 Self-Observation and Authenticity

19:09 Wrapping Up and Final Thoughts

20:03 Subscribe and Stay Tuned

Transcript

Lisa: 0:10

Hey guys, Lisa Dawn here. Welcome back to this week's episode of the Heal Now What podcast. I'm really excited to dive into something today that's been coming up in my own life and in my work with clients. And it's this idea of finding ourselves. of making choices that honor who we really are and radical authenticity. But before we jump in, I want to start with these beautiful words from my girl Lexi Florentina. Okay, we're not actually friends, but I follow her on Instagram and she has some beautiful writings. She's also a somatic therapist. So here we go. Look at your body. Look at those arms that have held people they love. Look at those eyes that have seen oceans and mountains and big green trees. Look at those legs that have carried you through your longest journeys. Look at your feet that have held you up on your hardest days. Look at your smile that has grinned a million times at the moments that have brought you joy. Look at your body. Not for the curves or the textures, but for the moments that this body has given you. Look at your body. Now, what do you see? Just taking a moment to let those words sink in. I was flipping through an old artist's book the other day, one I had filled with sketches of local plants like wild rose and burdock, ones that I had personally sat with and worked with over many, many years. And I started to think about how our bodies remember the seasons, they remember our pasts, they remember our victories and our hurts, our physical bodies, much like the earth, they have their own cycles. And those cycles, those seasons, they remember. Also remind me of the choices that we make and the choices that we sometimes don't even realize we have and i've noticed especially in my work with clients that Choice is a reoccurring theme whether someone is just starting their healing journey or has been at it for a while What we so often forget is that Having choices is deeply tied to knowing ourselves to recognizing What our bodies have carried for us and tuning into what they need now, and you know, I'll be honest, this has been a huge part of my own personal growth as well, understanding that prioritizing myself, my needs, my truth, remembering that I have choice. It's this foundational piece for living. authentically, but it's hard, right? Like we've been so conditioned to care for others first, to please, to belong. And when we do that, we often give up little parts of ourselves along the way. I don't want to say there's nothing wrong with caring for others, but we also need to somehow remember ourselves in all of this. And this is sometimes where things get tricky, because let's be real, it's hard. It's hard to admit when we've let ourselves down, when we've let others down. It's hard to look at the ways that we've prioritized others over our own well being, especially if. We've never put ourselves first. I can't tell you how many times I've done this in relationships, whether with friends, family, or partners. You know, we make the compromises, we let things slide, we don't speak up because, well, it's easier. But what happens when that becomes the pattern? What happens when we forget who we are because we're so focused on everyone else. And this brings me to relationships, romantic ones especially. Because here's the thing, the stakes are so much higher because our hearts are on the line. We're literally giving someone the option to break our hearts when we enter into a relationship, but we're also opening up to the opportunity to be loved deeply and here's the kicker being in a Relationship doesn't replace doing the inner work. We've got to face the stuff we've been avoiding or nothing really changes I remember a time in my own life where I thought, Okay, if I just find the right person, everything will just fall into place. And spoiler alert, it didn't. Relationships don't magically fix us. They tend to reveal the parts of us that need attention, that need healing. And in the most honest moments, they can also show us where we've been betraying ourselves. And there comes a time when we have to own those things. We have to own our unworthiness. We have to own our avoidance. We have to own our own self betrayal, which is kind of the starting point, which allows for all other betrayals to come. And we betray ourselves over and over and over again. So we have to own all the ways that we have let ourselves down. And get really honest with ourselves and our loved ones so that we can begin to recover and honor ourselves. So we own it all. Our behaviors, our attachments, the way we push love away. And when we can begin to do this, we can move towards inner integrity. And this is where liberation and devastation can go hand in hand because we never really know how being honest will impact another person. But what we do know is that when we are real with another, it means that we can relate to another and form a relationship with someone. It means that we can be honest about our truths, our desires, our messiness, our emptiness. We can allow ourselves to be loved and to love. And I've learned sometimes the hard way, many times the hard way, that radical acceptance, accountability, and personal responsibility for ourselves is key. to having successful relationships of all kinds. And that's what leads us to radical authenticity in our relationships. And here's the thing, it's not a one time event. I wish, I wish it were. It's a practice. Oh boy, it's a practice. And Sometimes, nothing, most times, nothing changes until we look in the mirror and say to ourselves, maybe there's something I need to look into. Maybe there's some work to be done here. And that is the space where we get to meet ourselves. If I'm hurt or irritated or I have something to share that may hurt the person that I'm thinking about sharing it with. Rather than just brushing it off or stockpiling it internally, I'm going to address it. Who are my fellow stockpilers out there? If you're someone who holds on to things, then this practice will be so liberating for you. So all we're talking about is bringing up the things that happen when they happen and not waiting for things to pile up. So having the conversations when we're actually feeling hurt or irritated or betrayed. So let me give you an example. My husband, Tim, he loves when I use him in my examples. He could probably tell you a few stories about this one. So I used to be a piler. Okay. So stockpiler. Something would irritate me and I wouldn't say anything. I'd just stuff it down and then weeks later during a completely different conversation, I'd bring it up. Poor Tim. He'd be like, wait, what did I say three weeks ago that you're now telling me about? And so that becomes really difficult, you know, when we're not addressing the things that hurt us. in the moment. I know this can sometimes be hard to do. Sometimes I don't actually realize that I'm hurt until a few days later, you know, but even addressing it a few days later is a lot different than keeping it. internally within you for weeks and months on end, and then it coming up in coming out in a big argument. And this is the gift of rupture and repair in relationships, because relationships are not contingent on how well we get along, but rather how well we relate, we relate after there has been a disappointment, some jarring words after we've been delivered a verbal shit sandwich. And I know I've talked about this idea of becoming deeply intimate with someone does require rupture and repair cycles. It's this moment. When the illusions are dispelled, so you're there, you're having the conversation, you're staring at each other naked and afraid and you're addressing some kind of moment that hurts, whether you've been lied to, there's a certain behavior that hurt you, but you're talking about it. in a raw and open way. And in that moment, you're suddenly seeing the person in front of you. And how beautiful is that? You're standing there unarmored, being as honest as you or they can be in that moment. And there's such humility in that. And along with that, That brings choice, the choice of acceptance or rejection, the choice of staying or going, the choice to keep the conversation going. So many choice points in that, and that's liberating. And in those moments of repair, we get to see each other more clearly. We get to choose truth over comfort. And that's where real intimacy lives. And I know I've said this before, but very few relationships are built on a commitment to the truth because it's so much easier, or we think it's so much easier to avoid the hard conversations. But when we bring the truth forward, we actually create a kind of safety in our relationships that are rooted in reality. Not in the stories we've made up about each other. Hmm, just want to give a moment to let that last little bit really kind of sink in. This has so much to do with accountability and a commitment to the truth. And sometimes when we ignore the truth, we ignore our own sense of self. And then suddenly, the feedback loop of life demands change. accountability and life comes at us point blank until we start being honest with ourselves and with our partners and in our relationships. You know those moments where there's something that's been simmering within you but you're refusing to address it and then all of a sudden life gives you the perfect opportunity, maybe at not the greatest of times to address the things that have been on your mind. What is that saying? And I'm probably messing it up because I tend to do that with sayings, but you can make house with someone or you can make a relationship, which is basically highlighting the difference between coexisting with someone and actually cultivating a deep connection. Meaningful connection and that's what we're talking about here and cultivating trust and deep connection With others also has so much to do with developing this within our own bodies, right? This felt sense of safety these incredible systems that we can program and recondition and re educate nervous systems. We talk about neuroception, about how we're always scanning for safety or threat. Well, when we are honest with ourselves and we know the person in front of us will be honest even when it's uncomfortable, there's a deep sense of trust that builds in our nervous systems. So then when shit happens and we either fuck up or our partners do, there is a sense of safety because there has been or is this honesty. And that creates a space for us to relax, to be real, to stop performing. And this builds meaningful connections. And sometimes we lose our footing, we lose our sense of self, which can be so detrimental in our relationships, and it can lead to, you know, all kinds of things, unhealthy forms of codependence, a reliance on others to make us happy, and so many other things, but we can rediscover ourselves over and over and over again. We can allow ourselves to recreate ourselves time and time again, even if it's been months, years, or decades. So how do we do this? How do we find ourselves again? Especially if it's been such a long time since we've made that, that connection to our wants, our needs, our desires. How do we find ourselves again? Well, I like to start really simply. So every time we notice our bodies, every time we notice our bodies in an environment, when we notice our surroundings, when we can be present with what is going on around us, we're finding ourselves. Every time we notice how we're feeling and pause and just allow ourselves to be with that for a moment, every time we feel our breath going in and out of our body. We have rediscovered ourselves and we can also rediscover ourselves by telling the truth. We can find ourselves every time we say the difficult thing to someone we love. We can find ourselves every time we honor our need for rest or for naps. We can find ourselves when we honor our need for creativity, for fun, for play and for dance. We can rediscover ourselves when we reach for bids of connection, when we would normally isolate. We rediscover and refine ourselves when we don't withhold our love. And it's through these ways that we begin to know ourselves again. And once we can begin to know our own experience, then we can begin to branch out and observe more. Ah, what are my reactions, my emotions and the thoughts and behaviors that come from those places. Then we can begin to observe and witness ourselves. And then we might start to ask, well, what are my preferences? What are my aspirations? Who am I beyond all of the things that have happened to me? And this is the beginning, this reemergence of. Knowing who we are and what we truly want. It's tapping in, self observation. And suddenly, we are no longer what everyone else has told us we are. We are both becoming and unbecoming simultaneously. We get real with ourselves, which means we are getting to the baseline of our own authenticity, which leads to real relating. Which doesn't mean it's easy, it just means it's real. Laughter. When one person can truly see themselves, it opens up a space for another person to see themselves. And this is so often the case in our closest relationships because It's, you know, a lot of the time we're just holding up mirrors for each other. So as we wrap up this week's episode, I just want to finish with these last few words. Liberation begins with ourselves. When we can get real with our own experience, we stop expecting others to carry it for us, for us. We become accountable for our emotions, our needs, and our truth. And from that place, we can build relationships based on honesty and not performance or fear because love invites us to become more, not less. So as always friends, thank you for joining me today and until next Wednesday, bye for now. As always, thank you so much for listening. Life is busy. So it means even more that you're carving out time in your day to be here. Listen, we've got so many great episodes coming up, so please make sure you subscribe to follow along on Apple podcasts or Spotify. And for those of you who like to watch your podcasts, we are now uploading them to YouTube. And if you appreciate these episodes, please do us a favor and leave a rating or a review and share it with anyone you think could benefit. See you again next Wednesday.