Ep. 53 Power Over vs. Empowerment: A Journey from Control to Connection - Solo Episode

Understanding Power Dynamics: From Control to Empowerment

In this episode, Lisa Dawn delves into the intricate world of power dynamics, exploring the contrast between 'power over' and 'empowerment'. Sharing a personal story from her childhood, Lisa discusses how authoritative control can breed feelings of shame and helplessness.

She then outlines how reworking this memory in therapy helped her find the support and collaboration she needed. Lisa explains the harmful effects of control tactics in relationships and emphasizes the importance of self-responsibility and emotional resilience to foster true empowerment.

The episode encourages listeners to shift from control to collaboration, ultimately enhancing personal relationships and societal interactions.

Connect with Lisa 

00:00 Welcome and Setting the Scene

01:35 Exploring Power Dynamics

02:29 Personal Story: A Lesson in Power

06:03 Understanding 'Power Over'

09:48 Shifting to Empowerment

10:51 Practical Steps to Empowerment

13:37 Embodiment Exercise

14:49 Final Thoughts and Farewell

Transcript

Lisa: 0:10

Hey guys, welcome back. Lisa Dawn here. How's everyone doing out there? There is a lot going on out in the world today. So maybe let's just take a moment to let yourself land here with me. And what does landing in this moment look and feel like for you? Is it changing into sweatpants and making some popcorn? Is it realizing that you haven't had some water since this morning, maybe getting yourself some or brewing up some tea? Have you had a chance today to connect with your body? And if not, perhaps taking a moment to do that now. Now that can be something as simple as wiggling your toes. Or even this might feel nice as a suggestion. Maybe just propping your elbows up on a table and just letting your face fall into your hands and feeling the support of your hands, holding up your face. So today we're diving into the fascinating world of power dynamics. Specifically the difference between power over and empowerment. Now this topic feels very relevant as these control dynamics are often very prevalent and most visible in the various political movements we are witnessing today. And this is one of those topics that affects every corner of our lives. From our closest relationships to the way that we move through society, pretty much every interaction we have has a component of power to them. But what we are talking about today is the difference between how it is expressed. Whether that be through control or power. Collaboration. So let me start by sharing a personal experience before we dive into these concepts. So in a recent therapy session, my therapy session, my personal therapy session, I revisited an old memory, a painful old memory from elementary school that was still lingering in my nervous system. So, in this memory, I was called up to the chalkboard to solve a math problem. And when I got it wrong, my teacher wouldn't let me sit down until I figured it out. So there I was, standing up there, feeling humiliated and helpless, frozen in front of my classmates. That moment planted this deep belief in me, I'm not smart enough, and needing help makes me weak. And then I also developed a pretty unhealthy and fearful relationship to authority figures. So needless to say, it was a very loaded memory. So my therapist and I worked through the scene. We gauged how my body was holding on to it, and then what I made it all mean internally, and how that was expressing itself externally in the world in my interactions. And by the end, something really beautiful happened. I could imagine in my mind's eye, a teacher's aide coming to stand beside me, helping me little eight year old Lisa solve the problem. And suddenly I didn't feel stuck or alone anymore. I had support. And in this new version of the memory, I wasn't just up there struggling. I also saw myself being able to help another student in the same way, showing up for someone who needed support, just as I had. And then more towards the end of the session, I saw myself walking away from the chalkboard with my head held high and could actually look at my classmates and could see the look of encouragement and happiness in their faces. So this memory that I had held a hidden freeze response in my body, um, So something that I hadn't fully let go of. And in this example, my teacher had used their authority and power over me to create a scenario of shame and humiliation instead of offering help and collaboration. And I internalized that feeling. But then by revisiting it, I could rewrite the story and was able to find that feeling of collaboration and support that I needed all of those years ago. And I walked out of the session with a sense of deep relief and a powerful realization that Well, one of many, there are so many realizations, but one of which was asking for help isn't weakness, it's connection. I also learned that I didn't have a learning disability, I just needed some extra support. And in that moment, I could feel my whole body just relax and let go. Just wow, how, how beautiful. that we are able to heal these past moments in the present. Okay. So let's start to unpack these terms. At its core, power over is about control and it's usually fueled by fear. So we want to control someone or something to feel safe ourselves. And we might use tactics like criticism, manipulation, even subtle guilt tripping to maintain that sense of control. Okay. And listen, okay, we're all guilty of this from time to time. Gosh, just the other day I literally told my husband he wasn't getting any loving from me unless he cleaned up his office. My God. So this most commonly shows up in subtle psychological ways like threatening abandonment. So threatening to leave if, if the people don't change or withdrawing emotional support. And again, as I mentioned, using guilt, gossip, or subtle put downs to get others to act differently. So we might not always see it as control, but these tactics can actually create harm and distance in any relationship. So when we feel threatened or triggered, our bodies naturally want to take control over whatever's making us feel unsafe. And this can show up in ways we might not even recognize as controlling. Again, more examples of this are giving the silent treatment, withdrawing support, or using passive aggressive language. And I want to emphasize that nothing, like none of this makes us bad people. It's human nature. It's the way that we protect ourselves from feeling vulnerable. But here's the catch. When we rely on control to feel safe, it often, I would say 99 percent of the time backfires. The more we try and control others, the more we create tension and resistance. Like just think about the boss and we've all had them who micromanages. They're usually doing it because they're afraid of failure, but the more they control, the more their team pulls away or subtly resists or not so subtly. And it's the same with friends, partners, and our own kids. Over time, controlling behaviors tend to push people away, not draw them closer. When we don't feel safe, we often try to gain control to protect ourselves. And in these situations, one of the only ways Typically, to stop feeling like a victim can seem to be by taking power over whatever's making us uncomfortable. And this can set up a cycle where each person tries to one up the other. And these patterns, they show up everywhere and anywhere in families, cultures, political climates, even on a global level, where we see people as either good or bad, depending on who holds the power. And of course, as I mentioned, we're currently seeing this. It's an eruption of this on a global scale. And when we're caught in these power dynamics, it doesn't feel good in our bodies. The imbalance can bring up feelings like guilt, shame, control, humiliation, and anxiety, as I mentioned in my own personal example. It can leave us feeling confused, critical, or even coerced. It can end relationships and it can also keep us stuck in unfulfilling and harmful ones. Now let's talk about empowerment. So empowerment, on the other hand, is rooted in self responsibility and freedom. It's about recognizing that we don't need to control others to feel okay. Instead, we focus on being in charge of ourselves. We can be collaborative. When we're truly empowered, we can disagree with someone and still stay connected. And this is a skill that we all need, especially now. It's huge. I can show up as my real self without hiding because I know I'm valued even if we see things differently. I feel safe to be who I am. Respected and not alone. In an empowered space there's enough power For everyone, we each take responsibility and no one's left out. When we're empowered, there's room for all of us. And so how do we start shifting from control to empowerment? Well, this is where attachment and somatic work can really come in. It's about learning to tolerate all our vulnerable feelings, whether that's fear, sadness, or shame, without turning to control as a response. And trust me, I know that this can sound daunting. Facing those deep emotions can feel like standing on the edge of a cliff. But when we learn to hold space for our own vulnerability, we become more resilient. We're less likely to react defensively and more likely to act from a place of calm strength. So we can begin to take responsibility about where we use power dynamics in our relationships. Which, I mean, it can be extremely uncomfortable to take this kind of accountability for our own behavior. Sometimes it feels much easier to just justify our behavior than to take full responsibility. And a wonderful way that we can start to do this is to ask ourselves this question. Am I trying to control or collaborate? And if I'm trying to control, what might I be afraid of? And another beautiful question to ask is, What kind of relationship do I want with this person at the end of this conversation? So this is not only about self responsibility, but self awareness. And in my work, I see this transformation all the time. It's so awesome. Someone who's been stuck in control patterns starts to tap into their own sense of inner stability, inner strength, and they discover that they're capable of handling their emotions without needing someone else to change. And this isn't about becoming hard or unfeeling. It's actually the exact opposite. When we're truly empowered, we can stay open, curious, and connected. Even in the face of disagreement or conflict, we stop seeing others as threats and start seeing them as people with their own experiences and vulnerabilities. Their own ways of thinking and feeling. And it's truly amazing what this shift can do. Suddenly we have room for real connection. We can collaborate rather than compete, even with people who see things differently. And the best part, we can feel safe enough to be ourselves, knowing that we can handle whatever comes our way. So let's take a moment to bring this into the body, shall we? So here's an invitation for you. Just think about a moment where you felt truly empowered. Just take a moment to call that up. Maybe it was with a friend who supported you or a time when you took a leap and trusted yourself. Now, how did that feel in your body? How does it feel right now? And just take a moment to locate that, really feel that within yourself. And now, think about a time when you felt like you needed to control a situation or a person to feel okay, and how did that feel in your body? And now just notice the difference. So I'll leave you with this. Empowerment isn't just a state of mind. It's a way of being that can transform our relationships and ultimately our world. When we show up from a place of grounded self responsibility, we create the space for others to do the same. And in that space, real collaboration and mutual support can flourish. And I also wanted to throw this quote in here. The courage to change isn't the absence of fear. It is the presence of bravery and high self regard. It's doing the thing you truly know to be necessary, even when fear would have you believe otherwise. Let your compassion and the way you truly desire others to hold your heart, to lead the way for how you embrace others. So, as always, thank you so much for joining me today. I hope this conversation stirred some new insights and gave you a sense of your own power, the kind that doesn't need to dominate, but simply is. Until next time, stay curious, stay open, and take care of your precious, beautiful selves. Bye for now.

16:22

As always, thank you so much for listening. Life is busy. So it means even more that you're carving out time in your day to be here. Listen, we've got so many great episodes coming up, so please make sure you subscribe to follow along on Apple podcasts or Spotify. And for those of you who like to watch your podcasts, we are now uploading them to YouTube. And if you appreciate these episodes, please do us a favor and leave a rating or a review and share it with anyone you think could benefit. See you again next Wednesday.