Ep. 54 Why Am I Like This? Healing Dismissive Avoidant Attachment - Solo Episode

Understanding and Healing Dismissive Avoidant Attachment

In this episode of the Healed Now What podcast, host Lisa Dawn celebrates the podcast's one-year anniversary and delves into the topic of dismissive avoidant attachment.

She discusses the core beliefs and fears behind this attachment style, such as self-sufficiency, fear of vulnerability, and emotional distance.

Lisa provides practical strategies for navigating emotions, building trust, and fostering connection while maintaining independence.

The episode offers insightful tips for both individuals with dismissive avoidant tendencies and their partners, emphasizing the gradual journey towards a healthier emotional landscape.

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00:00 Welcome and Anniversary Celebration

01:22 Introduction to Attachment Styles

02:16 Personal Experience with Dismissive Avoidant

03:34 Core Beliefs and Fears

05:54 Healing and Emotional Processing

12:36 Triggers and How to Work with Them

16:59 Supportive Partner Strategies

19:29 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

Transcript

Lisa: 0:11

Hey guys, Lisa Dawn here, welcome back to this week's episode of the Healed Now What podcast. Well, well, well, in a few days time, November 15th, it will have been a year. from the inception of this podcast. And so for those of you who have been with me and tuning in this entire time, I just, I want to say thank you for being here with me. And for those of you who are new to the podcast, I want to say welcome and here's to celebrating many more years of teaching and delivering hopefully helpful content and to celebrating your healing journey, and the value of being able to have conversations like this. So today we're going to dive into the realm of attachment. Specifically, we're going to be talking about dismissive, avoidant, So if you're tuning in and you're someone that finds that emotions and needs feel like things that are best tucked away, if your go to coping style is turning the volume way down on intimacy, then you are definitely in the right place. So here we are. We're peeling back a few of the layers of this strategy, um, from its roots to the ways that it shapes relationships. And we're going to talk about some ways that we can start to navigate emotions without feeling like we've lost our independence. So Lord knows that this strategy was my go to for many, many years. I often felt like I had to. Protect myself by turning down the emotional volume and disconnecting from intense feelings and needs even though underneath the surface they were always there. And even still deep down there was often this desire that I had to connect to be understood that came along with this sense of loneliness and a need to feel safe enough to share in ways that felt true to me. And I also want to say that For me, this was very unconscious. I couldn't have put those words to exactly how I was feeling, but I knew that I was just, yeah, feeling very disconnected to my own emotional states. And in turn, I found the emotions of others to be often really confusing and overwhelming. So for my beautiful dismissive avoidant listeners out there, this one is for you. So I want to talk a bit about some core beliefs that are often associated with this strategy. So one of those is this belief that says, You know, I've got to handle things myself. Counting on others isn't safe. And this can go back to childhood, where potential caregivers may have seemed emotionally unavailable, dismissive, or even just inconsistent. And as a result, we learn to play it safe by being uber self reliant, assuming that depending on others might only lead to Disappointment, hurt, or worse yet, abandonment. And over time, this belief oftentimes shows up as a few common fears and protective habits. So for example, the fear of vulnerability and intimacy. And so, vulnerability can feel as risky as wearing white on spaghetti night. I kid, but really, the chances of disappointment can feel way too high. So, we can steer clear of getting too close emotionally as a way to avoid potential rejection, or that, you know, dreaded feeling of being too much. So the next one I want to talk about is fear of rejection. So we often will worry that if we open up and we show our needs or emotions, others might see us as weak or not worth it. And that just leads to the very reject rejection that we're hoping to avoid. And the next I want to mention is self sufficiency as a shield. So self reliance becomes our trusted armor, a way to kind of sidestep the hurt of unmet needs. So we can build this identity around independence and emotional distance to keep things safe and manageable. Ah, so for my peeps out there that are struggling with this, healing often means kind of gently opening the door to trust. So it's about realizing that others can actually meet our needs, that expressing emotions can be safe. and that we are actually worthy of love and connection even if it feels a little bit scary at first. And I want to say that this response developed typically as a way to stay safe by avoiding the perceived dangers of intimacy, vulnerability, and dependency on others. So there's this huge paradox that's going on because while self reliance has likely helped To avoid potential emotional pain, it also disconnects us from our own emotional needs and true inner vitality. And often, what has occurred is the part of us that needed emotional reassurance and support, it just wasn't nourished enough. So we're kind of, we, it can sometimes feel like we're starting with an empty bucket. Okay. So when we have this depleted or near. empty bucket, we've got to learn how to, to fill our, our bucket. And the way we do this is by starting to welcome our emotional states. So we're talking here about learning to process our feelings, acknowledge our feelings, to feel our feelings. And then over time we come to realize that our feelings are just a guiding light. They're not the end result. They're not there to hurt us, to punish us, to scare us, or to make us feel bad for no reason. And we want to begin with small steps. It's like building a muscle. So think of it as kind of tiptoeing into vulnerability, not plunging in. So perhaps instead of pushing feelings away, we can start to experiment with simply just noticing them. Maybe it looks like even setting a timer for two minutes to just sit with a feeling before moving on. So it really does not have to be a grand gesture. The idea is just to let emotions begin to inform you. So without overwhelming you. So this is how we begin to fill up that emotional bucket. So we want to start engaging in activities that nourish us. What do these look like? They can look like meaningful conversations. Striking up a conversation with a stranger and just noticing what happens. Could also look like time in nature. A light workout. Sharing things that we're passionate about and also things that hurt us with trusted friends and partners. We could also start by doing activities that require connection. For example, if you're watching a movie, maybe pausing it and talking about what's coming up for you. Talking about the actual movie and what you're feeling about it. Connection. Relating. So these are ways to not only connect with others but reconnect with that part of yourself. Gradually building that emotional reserve so you're not running. on fumes. Think of things that help you tune into your body's signals without feeling overwhelmed. It's like learning to surf emotional waves rather than getting bowled over by them. And with some practice, you'll find that as you ride these waves, you're not nearly as drained by emotional experiences. And your capacity for connection expands and grows. Emotions will stop feeling like threats and becoming more like signposts guiding you towards connection. So, again, healing from this adaptation involves reframing emotions as essential guides, not threats. So, anger, sadness, fear, and grief are not meant to undermine or overwhelm us. They are signaling something important. Emotions often let us know when we have unmet needs, or when our inner story, perhaps one that says, I'm not good enough, or I'll be rejected if I'm vulnerable, is causing pain. So a few examples. Anger. So anger can point to boundaries being crossed, or a need for more respect in some area of your life. Sadness can nudge us towards healing connections or acknowledging a loss, even just acknowledging the loss and being able to feel that within us. Fear might mean there's potential for bravery and with that bravery, growth. And grief often calls for release, urging us to let go of expectations of how we're supposed to grieve and instead just feel how we're feeling. acknowledging the knots in our stomach and the pain in our chest. And when we avoid these emotions, we miss the opportunity to get in touch with what we truly need. And instead, these feelings build up, creating a chronic state of stress, and they keep us in this relational hell, and oftentimes in survival mode or emotional burnout. So I want to talk briefly about some triggers. for my dismissive avoidant peeps and also how to work with them. And this is also from personal experience and from training. So I'm coming at it from both angles here. So number one is volatility. So emotional ups and downs, that's, that's a no go. So folks that have this adaptation value predictability. So wild emotions can make us feel like our inner stability is suddenly under attack. So consistency is actually key here. Think steady and consistent. Number two is criticism. So using sharp words can potentially, well they cut deep for most people, but especially for dismissive avoidant folks. And the reason is, is this will often hit on this core fear of like, I'm defective or something's wrong with me. And once that's triggered, the urge to withdraw kicks in. So instead, try gentle honesty and positive reinforcement. The next is expectations and pressure to open up. So if someone who is struggling with avoidant tendency senses pressure to be vulnerable or feels like they're failing to meet their partner's expectations or needs, they may retreat. So, nobody wants to feel incapable, and opening up can also feel pretty big, like a free fall. So being able to communicate clearly, being specific, and letting them know their value just as they are. The next is privacy violations. Folks that are avoidant thrive on personal space. And this one was definitely true for me. So giving them room to breathe is essential. Respecting boundaries and just giving some time can be a real game changer. The next one is feeling unacknowledged. Positive reinforcement goes such a long way with folks that are dealing with avoidant tendencies. So we need to know that our efforts are noticed even if we're taking baby steps. So saying affirming words like, I see the effort you're making, can feel huge. And the next one is independence concerns. So this is like the holy grail. So we value our independence like it's the holy grail. So if we can sense a loss of autonomy, it can trigger a sense of wanting to bolt. So, again, as a partner, respecting their need for self care and balance definitely makes it easier to be more open to connecting. And I want to say that for all relationships, building a sense of safety in relationships starts with open communication. So by letting your partner know, letting your friends know how you connect best can help them understand your boundaries. And it's a gradual process, but each small moment of sharing, each little act of vulnerability builds trust. Over time, intimacy stops feeling like a minefield and starts feeling more like a gentle two way street. So we touched a little bit on how to be a more supportive partner to someone with a dismissive avoidant strategy. And I just want to cover a few more of these just in a little bit more detail. So when we're talking about showing consistent care, we're talking about regular small gestures of support, like checking in without expectations or honoring their space when they're feeling withdrawn can help build trust over time. Again, respecting that. Independence is a big part of their identity. So expressing appreciation for the emotional closeness that they do share and allowing them to move at their own pace. The idea of communicating clearly without overwhelm. So this is, this is also huge. So keeping communication straightforward and avoiding emotional overload can help them feel more secure. Being patient with vulnerability. So keeping in mind that they may be wary of letting their guard down. And when they do show vulnerability, recognize it and respond with acceptance rather than making it the center of attention. Let them know that expressing emotions is welcome. But let them do it in their own way and in their own time modeling healthy dependence. So showing our partners that asking for help and relying on others can be healthy and fulfilling without making it a requirement. So, modeling this interdependence, we can demonstrate that sharing burdens doesn't compromise independence. It's a way to enhance both partner strength and well being. So each of these approaches can help create a climate of mutual respect, showing that intimacy doesn't have to compromise independence, but can actually enrich it. So, again What does healing look like? Well, it's not about becoming a completely different person. It is about slowly and gently allowing ourselves to connect with our emotions rather than fleeing from them by learning to acknowledge, feel, and eventually express what's going on inside. This is taking real steps towards a healthier emotional landscape, one where connection and independence can coexist. To my avoidance, to any avoidance listening, know that this process is a journey, not an overnight fix. And to their partners, patience, compassion, and steady reinforcement are key. Thanks for tuning in. And Here's to all of us finding that balance between safety and connection, independence and intimacy. We'll catch you in the next episode. As always, take care of yourself and others. Bye for now. As always, thank you so much for listening. Life is busy. So it means even more that you're carving out time in your day to be here. Listen, we've got so many great episodes coming up, so please make sure you subscribe to follow along on Apple podcasts or Spotify. And for those of you who like to watch your podcasts, we are now uploading them to YouTube. And if you appreciate these episodes, please do us a favor and leave a rating or a review and share it with anyone you think could benefit. See you again next Wednesday.