Ep. 56 Anxious in Love: Why You Chase and How to Stop Losing Yourself - Solo Episode

Exploring Anxious Preoccupied Attachment in Relationships

Lisa Dawn delves into the intricacies of anxious preoccupied attachment, a relationship dynamic characterized by hyper-vigilance and worry about connection. Lisa provides an overview of this attachment style, shares her own experiences, and offers practical tips for both those who identify with this attachment style and their partners.

The episode also highlights the importance of self-awareness, nervous system regulation, and boundary-setting to foster secure and fulfilling relationships.

Lisa concludes with an exclusive offer on her signature course, 'Reclaiming Resilience,' and encourages listeners to subscribe, share, and leave reviews.

Work with Lisa 

Gain Access to the Reclaiming Resilience Course 

00:00 Introduction and Welcome

01:24 Anxious Preoccupied Attachment Overview

02:55 Settling In Practice

07:17 Personal Journey with Attachment

09:10 Understanding Anxious Preoccupied Attachment

10:41 Somatic Healing and Course Offer

11:59 Core Beliefs of Anxious Attachment

16:29 Tips for Partners of Anxious Individuals

21:15 Self-Help Strategies for Anxious Attachment

25:11 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

Transcript

Lisa: 0:11

Hey guys, Lisa Dawn here. Welcome back to this week's episode of the Healed Now What Podcast. How's everyone doing out there? Right now I am. Sitting in my office and looking outside the window and all I can see is snow. I'm in Alberta, Canada, and we just had a week of large and heavy snow dump. So I'm both, I don't know if I would say happy about it. I would say I like the first bit of snow without the cold temperatures. And I also hate when the cold temperatures start to kick in. So here we are. Well, last week we talked about dismissive avoidant attachment. So if you haven't had a chance to listen to that one, it's totally worth a listen, whether you yourself are, or identify as an avoidant attacher. or someone that you love romantically is. Today we're going to move on to anxious preoccupied attachment. So this is kind of the opposite end of the spectrum where our relationships can oftentimes feel like a tightrope walk and we're constantly worried about falling off. So I want to start by saying that. We're not broken for feeling this way. It's our attachment system kicking into high gear. So we're going to explore this with a mix of honesty, humor, and a lot of self compassion. And for those of you, In relationships with someone who leans anxious, I've got some tips for you too, because as we know, building connection is a two way street. I also want to add in here that different relationships and different environments can trigger different attachment wounds. And here's the thing. If you are alive right now and listening to this episode, it means that you have an attachment system. So knowing how to operate it and break free from its adaptations, especially when they're not serving you, is one of the most empowering and loving acts we can do for ourselves and those we care about. So now that we covered what the episode is about, let's do a little bit of a settling in practice. So again, if you're driving, maybe wait to do this until you're at home or somewhere that you can just relax. So we're going to just start by sitting comfortably and noticing that your feet are flat on the ground. And you may just want to start to need the ground just a little bit with your toes. I'm going to just take a moment there. Next, the invitation is to just place one hand over your heart or just in your general chest area and then the other on your belly. Really just feel the warmth of your hands as they rest there. And as you do that, just notice your breath. There's no need to change it or try to direct it. You're just going to notice what it's like to breathe right now and what it's like to have your hands on your chest and on your belly. And as you do that, just take a moment to look around your space and just see what you notice. When I'm looking around my space, I'm noticing the green of the leaves of this plant that I love that's in my office. I'm just allowing my eyes to linger there, to rest there for a moment. Now I'm looking at a piece of art on the wall. That's colorful. It's of a woman holding her womb. I'm just allowing my eyes to take in that image and to notice anything. that comes up as I take in that image. And then just tune in back to your body. And if your hand is still on your chest and on your belly, just notice that. And now see if there's anything that you can hear in addition to my voice. I'm just taking another moment or two there. Now just shift your focus just a little bit to think of one thing or person that you feel appreciation for in this moment. So just picture it clearly and just allow that appreciation to be there as you think about this one thing or person that you feel appreciation for. For me, I'm just thinking about My husband, who's currently outside of the room in the kitchen, making me a hot drink. Feeling a lot of appreciation for that. Hmm. Okay. So let's get into it. Shall we? So, as I've talked about on previous episodes, I spent so much of my life being avoidant in my relationships. So always keeping emotions at arm's length and avoiding deep connection. But as I started tuning into my emotions, getting clear on my needs. And embracing the part of me that values connection, something really unexpected surfaced my anxious attachment patterns. So I wouldn't have been someone that would have identified ever as anxious, but suddenly there were these patterns that just showed up. I was feeling all the things and yeah, it was, it was confusing. So for those of you who are just beginning to feel emotions that you once kept buried, let me assure you, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. What you are experiencing is growth. You're healing and developing a deeper intimacy with yourself, which is a profound and courageous thing. So keep going, keep going and listen, keep listening to this, this episode. So for those of you who have been tuning into this podcast for a while have heard me talk about attachment adaptations. Episode three is a great one to listen to with a guest, Patricia, and we take a deep dive into attachment and relationships. And then, uh, Uh, solo episodes 18, 26, 32, and 54 are all about boundaries, becoming the partner that you want, transforming social anxiety and dismissive avoidant attachment adaptation. So I'll just give a brief overview of anxious preoccupied attachment and then we'll get into what to do about it. So what is anxious preoccupied attachment exactly? It can feel like being hyper focused on relationships. So if you're someone that is anxious in relationships, you're always scanning for signs that your partner is about to ghost you, whether they are or not. Now this isn't just overthinking. It is part of your nervous system. that is running old survival programs. So somewhere along the line, your brain learned that love might not always be safe or consistent. So maybe your caregivers were sometimes there and sometimes not, working late, emotionally unavailable, or just struggling themselves. And as a kid, you adapted by becoming hypervigilant about connection because losing it felt like a threat to your survival. And then fast forward to adulthood, and now any emotional distance can trigger like full blown panic for some folks. It's exhausting, it's frustrating, and it's scary because it is an actual survival response. For those of you wishing to dive into the world of somatic healing and get a taste of what it's like to discover the wisdom of your body, I'm offering a hundred dollars off my signature course, reclaiming resilience to the listeners of this episode. It is a self paced five week course that teaches you how to be with big emotions and sensations. It expands your capacity for more joy. More love and more pleasure while you also learn how to access your boundaries, intuition, and build safety within your body. Essentially, you'll be learning how to harness the power of your nervous system and welcome in more clarity, authentic communication, and fulfilling relationships. In the program, we are changing the way that we perceive ourselves, our patterns and our limiting beliefs, as well as finding our unique voice. Use the code ALLCAPSFEELGOOD at checkout. And for those of you who are seeking one on one support, I also offer coaching and therapy packages and one on one sessions. I'll pop all of that information in the show notes. And now let's get back to the show. So let's break down some of the core beliefs that tend to drive this. anxious attachment and see if any of these sound familiar. I know that they did for me. So the first one is I'm not enough. So ever felt like you have to work over time just to be lovable? That's this belief sneaking in, whispering that you need to earn love instead of just existing in it. Number two, if they pull away, it's my fault. Your partner is busy. Or they seem distant and your brain goes straight to what did I do wrong? And here's the spoiler alert, probably nothing. Number three, if I don't try harder, I will be abandoned. So here comes in over communicating, people pleasing. or playing this like emotional acrobatics to keep someone close. It's exhausting because you're taking on a responsibility that was never really yours to begin with. Oh my god, the over communicating. If I think about all of the times where I just felt It's so necessary to tell someone every little last thing about me or what I was experiencing or how I thought they should be experiencing something. Number four, love is conditional and fragile. So this one hits pretty deep. If you've ever found yourself, yourself hyper aware of every text, tone, or gesture, you're probably carrying this belief. So we had to become hyper aware of what the people around us were doing so that we could be seen, heard, and felt and paid attention to. We needed to become this hypervigilant person to get our needs met. Number five, I'm responsible for their feelings. Oh, this one was also huge for me for a very long time, constantly holding in. Things that I needed to share because I was worried about how someone else would perceive them. So, constantly managing the emotional climate of the relationship. Like it's your job to keep everything sunny, even if it's storming inside of you. Which you wouldn't actually recognize because it's always about someone else. It's really hard to tap into your own emotional state because you've been so busy most of your life being so absorbed by how others were feeling. So how anxious attachment shows up. So we're going to get real about how this can play out in relationships. So we tend to overanalyze everything. Okay, so a delayed text isn't just a delayed text, it's a potential breakup in our minds. We struggle with space. Your partner needs some alone time and your first thought is, oh my god, are they pulling away? Meanwhile, maybe they're just binging a Netflix show alone, needing some alone time. You have a hard time sitting with your emotions. When anxiety hits, your instinct is to reach out, chase, or fix the relationship rather than being able to sit in that discomfort. You people please. And setting boundaries feels really risky because what if it pushes them away? We're always fearful about pushing someone away. Now, before we go on, does any of this sound familiar? If it does, just take a breath. This isn't about blaming yourself. It's about understanding yourself. And how these adaptations were important for your survival at one point. So I want to cover some tips for partners of someone with an anxious attachment. So if you're in a relationship with someone who identifies as this, you might be thinking, this sounds like a lot, what can I do to help? And here's the good news. Small shifts in communication and empathy can make like such a huge difference. So let's break this down a little bit. So if you're someone that feels unsure about the future, Instead of saying something vague, like, I'm just uncertain about the future, where this is going, try being more specific, saying something like, I'm concerned about this aspect of the future and then adding in, how can we plan for it together? This approach isolates the issue instead of letting anxiety spiral. And then also it makes the anxious feel person feel like they're being approached from a partnership oriented space and a solutions oriented space. So your partner will feel like you're tackling these things at it as a team. So being as specific as possible about what areas you're feeling uncertain about. Number two. So no comparisons to others. So avoiding saying things like, well, so and so has a better job, or even just making passive comments about someone else's success. Your partner may already struggle with chronic comparison and feel like they need to prove their worth to be loved. So just being mindful about how comparison and offhand remarks can hit home in unexpected ways. Number three. ambiguous feelings. Folks who relate more anxiously often become attached quickly in intimate partnerships. So they'll likely be deep in the feels and expressing that to you. And if you're on the receiving end of this and are also feeling a deepening for this person, it's great to be clear about it in a kind and loving way. And what I mean by that is if you're not quite on the same emotional page as your anxious partner, instead of saying, I don't feel the same way you do. Try something like, I may not be there yet, but I'm developing deeper feelings for you every day. So avoiding open ended, edited statements like, I'm not sure how I feel. This can send an anxiously attached partner into a spiral. So instead focusing on progress that reassures them if you're moving in a positive direction. Number four, about cancelling plans. If you can't make it to a date or a commitment, don't just say, I can't make it instead provide a bit of context. So perhaps saying something like, I can't make it, but I really want to see you, but I need to recharge after a long day. Let's plan something for our next weekend. And I'm really looking forward to that. So we don't have to over explain, but just giving a gentle explanation and suggesting a new plan helps to calm their racing thoughts. Number five. If you're needing space, saying, I need space can sound like rejection to someone with anxious attachment. So instead, try saying something like, I recharge best when I have some alone time, but I care deeply about this relationship and you. I'll feel even more present and connected after I take this time. So again, just reaffirming your care while explaining your needs can help avoid unnecessary anxiety. And of course, these are tips for those who are invested in the relationship and want to create a secure foundation. If you're not feeling the connection or think or thinking of leaving, it's important to be honest and not give false reassurance. Now, if you are the anxiously attached person, there are some Real great ways here to start shifting those patterns. The first one, and I cannot stress the importance of this one. is to begin to learn your needs. So tapping into your own self and getting to know what lights you up and what you value. When you're clear on your own needs, you're less likely to rely on others to meet them or meet all of them. And it's helpful to get to know yourself better. What do I actually want? What are my standards? Who are the types of person that I want to bring into my inner circle? When you start to get clear on these needs and these things that you want, it becomes, it helps you to become more self sovereign in the way that you look at relationships in the way that you look at yourself in relationships. So number two, regulating your nervous system. So when anxiety flares up, You can try grounding techniques like the one that we did at the beginning. There are also many others like breathwork, walking, journaling. These can help you ride the wave of emotion without acting impulsively. So kind of just think about it as taking a breather and Um, learning how to respond instead of react internally from a place of safety and comfort within, um, rather than anxiety. Number three, another big one, setting boundaries. Boundaries protect your connection to yourself and not just your relationships. They're not about shutting people out. They're about creating space for your needs too, and this is hugely important. Number four. begin to question your stories. So when your mind starts jumping to worst case scenarios, pause and ask, is this true or is this just an old fear showing up? And then go back to number two, regulating your nervous system, just staying with those emotions for one minute at a time, 30 seconds, even at the beginning. Number five, pause. Building emotional resilience. So instead of seeking immediate reassurance, practice sitting with your own feelings over time, this can help you build more trust in yourself. And you can do this even by starting to name them. There's. I believe that they're called wheel of feelings or wheel of emotions. You can look them up on Google and for the interim, you can even print one off and put it on your fridge or put it on somewhere, put it somewhere that you can see it. And so you can just begin simply by labeling the emotion and then just seeing where you feel that within yourself. So within your body, And maybe even just taking a moment to also give language to it. So let's say you're feeling frustration. Oh, I feel that in my chest. You might put a hand there and you might just describe it just for a second. Oh, my chest is feeling hot and tingly. And just notice that. There's nothing more for you to do in that moment other than just to be with this emotion. So again, this can help you build more trust in yourself. So there was so much in that episode in such a short episode. I just want to say that. Like all the attachment adaptations, anxious attachment isn't a flaw. It's a pattern rooted in a deep desire for connection. So whether you're the anxious partner or the one loving them, understanding these dynamics can lead to more fulfilling, secure relationships. And to all the anxious hearts out there, you are enough. And love doesn't have to feel like walking a tightrope. And to all the partners, with a little extra care, you can help your relationship grow stronger. As always, thanks for listening, friends. And if this episode resonated, please share it with someone who might need it. And remember, relationships aren't about perfection. They're about learning to grow together. Alright, that's it for today. As always, thank you so much for listening. Life is busy. So it means even more that you're carving out time in your day to be here. Listen, we've got so many great episodes coming up, so please make sure you subscribe to follow along on Apple podcasts or Spotify. And for those of you who like to watch your podcasts, we are now uploading them to YouTube. And if you appreciate these episodes, please do us a favor and leave a rating or a review and share it with anyone you think could benefit. See you again next Wednesday.

26:52

I really hope you enjoyed this video. If you did, feel free to subscribe. And I'll see you in the next video. Bye!