Ep.57 The Fearful-Avoidant (aka:disorganized attachment) Love Map: Navigating Triggers, Trust, and True Connection

In today’s episode of Healed, Now What?, Lisa Dawn dives deep into the intricacies of the fearful avoidant attachment style—a dynamic that can feel like a push-pull dance between craving connection and fearing it. Lisa shares personal stories, insights from her own healing journey, and practical tools to help you recognize and transform this attachment pattern, whether it’s your own or that of a loved one.

Discover how early chaos and inconsistency can shape how we love and connect, and learn how to move toward greater emotional regulation, trust, and intimacy.

If you’ve ever felt caught in the whirlwind of wanting closeness but fearing vulnerability, this episode is for you.

Connect with Lisa
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[0:00] – Welcome & Introduction
Lisa introduces the podcast and her mission: helping others transform their wounds into strengths through somatic and attachment psychology.

[2:18] – A Grounding Exercise: Reflecting on Safety
Lisa guides a grounding practice to connect with feelings of safety by recalling consistent, protective relationships in your life.

[6:05] – What Is Fearful Avoidant Attachment?
Lisa defines fearful avoidant attachment and its roots in chaotic or inconsistent caregiving. She explains its hallmark behaviors: craving intimacy but fearing it.

[9:42] – Lisa’s Personal Story of Fearful Avoidant Patterns
Lisa shares her experiences of struggling to receive love, needing control, and feeling disoriented during conflicts early in her relationship.

[14:30] – How Trauma Shapes Fearful Avoidant Attachment
An exploration of how trauma, especially chaotic or abusive childhood environments, creates the push-pull dynamic of fearful avoidant attachment.

[17:50] – Recognizing Fearful Avoidant Patterns in Yourself or Others

[22:05] – Common Triggers for Fearful Avoidants
Lisa explains triggers like lack of trust, emotional intensity, and pressure to open up or rely on others.

[24:40] – How to Heal Fearful Avoidant Attachment

[29:15] – Rebuilding Basic Trust and Creating Safety
Lisa introduces the importance of creating safe spaces for connection and highlights her course Reclaiming Resilience.

[31:40] – Supporting a Fearful Avoidant Partner

[35:20] – Attachment Is Not a Life Sentence
Lisa reminds listeners that attachment wounds are starting points for healing, not permanent states. With awareness and practice, love can feel safe and steady.

Transcript

Lisa: 0:01

Greetings, my friends, and welcome to another episode of Healed Now What? A podcast where we discuss life, relationships, connection, and trauma through the lens of somatic and attachment psychology, nervous system health, relationships, and self discovery. I'm Lisa Dawn, and I'm on a mission to teach people how to transform their deepest wounds into their greatest strengths by first transforming the relationship they have with themselves. So whether you've had trauma, years of failed partnerships, or just want a better relationship with your body, I've got you covered. I am a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner, Educator, Relationship Mentor, and Trauma Survivor. With a lifetime of experience helping not only myself, but countless others transform their lives by learning how to become the fullest versions of themselves. Learn more at www. somatic. com We do this through self awareness, connecting with their bodies and changing the way they perceive themselves and others. I have coached innumerous people how to heal their wounds and create lasting change so they can live a more joyous, passionate and fulfilling life. Thank you so much for tuning in and enjoy the show. Hey guys, Lisa Dawn here. Welcome back. I am so happy you are here. How is everyone doing out there? For me, I'm enjoying a relaxing day at home after a particularly hectic last few days. So just noticing how comforting it is to be surrounded in my stuff and how good it feels to be warm and with a full belly and to be surrounded by the comforts of home. I wonder what that is for you. How are you feeling comforted today? So before we get into today's topic, I'd like to take you through a bit of an experience. So just take a moment, if you can, if you have the space, again, if you're driving, you could probably still do this while driving,, but you may want to just Check back in when you have a moment just to be by yourself with nothing going on right in front of you. Just take a moment to think about one person in your life that has been consistent, predictable, and protective of you in your life. Now perhaps this is a few different people, or maybe it's just one person who has shown all of these traits. So we're just thinking of someone that has made you feel safe and seen, even if it's just for a moment, see if you can first find that person and then see if you can recall a specific memory of why you felt that way from this person. Just take a moment now. To bring up one person or a few people in your life that have shown you consistency, predictability, and being protective of you. And when you start to think about that person, perhaps you see an image of them, perhaps you're just thinking about them. Just notice what happens in your body or around you when you think of that person. For example, for me, my shoulders relax, my tummy kind of lets go and I can feel warmth in my chest and kind of just like a fuzzy, enjoyable feeling in my body. Now, this was my experience, but for some of you, you could be having the opposite experience. Perhaps a wound may have arisen, which can happen in this. Perhaps you couldn't think of someone immediately, or maybe you've only known very few people like this. And if that's the case, just notice what's coming up for you. What you just had a mini experience of is your attachment system coming online. And today we're diving in to one of the most complex yet also deeply transformative attachment styles, the fearful avoidant or disorganized attachment. So this is the push pull, love me, but don't get too close attachment style. Maybe you're someone who craves intimacy, but also fears it. Or maybe you've loved someone who keeps pulling you close only to push you away. This complex dynamic often stems from a fearful avoidant attachment style, which is deeply, a deeply nuanced way of relating that combines both the longing for connection and the fear of it. If all of that is resonating, then pull up a chair, friend, and let's hang out a bit. In today's episode, we'll explore what it means to have a fearful avoidant attachment style, how to recognize the signs, whether it's you or your partner, steps you can take to heal these patterns, and how to build love and trust with someone navigating this. Let's dive in. And I know this pattern all too well. In both friendships and intimate relationships, I struggled immensely with receiving love. If someone expressed kindness or gave me words of affirmation, I would just brush it off entirely. If they were too generous, I'd feel an overwhelming urge to pull away, hide, and create distance. Despite being surrounded by love, I felt deeply lonely. When my husband and I first started dating, I had a very strong need to be in control. The house had to look a certain way for me to feel safe and disagreements had to unfold on my terms for me to feel heard and seen. And if things didn't go as I expected, I'd often shut down. During arguments, I'd get scattered, jumping from one point to another, forgetting what I was trying to say. And when my husband, understandably confused, tried to clarify, his questions only made me more disoriented and disconnected from the conversation. And this went on for years. It was both extremely hard and also terrifying. What was going on here? This experience that I named reflects part of the hallmarks of fearful avoidant attachment style and a dysregulated nervous system rooted in past inconsistency, chaos, and trauma. What was actually going on? What a big difficulty receiving love. My attachment system learned early on that love could be unpredictable or and unsafe. As a result, receiving love felt like a threat to my autonomy or a vulnerability I wasn't ready to confront. So brushing off kindness and distancing myself were protective strategies to avoid feeling overwhelmed or risking betrayal. The need for control. This was stemming from My nervous system being stuck in survival mode. I had to have complete control over my environment and interactions,, which helped me create a sense of safety and without it, my system just defaulted to feelings of helplessness, fear, and then triggered hyper independence or withdrawal disorientation in conflict. So the stress of arguments. activated a fight flight freeze response and my attachment wounds made expressing emotions very complex while my nervous systems heightened state caused mental disorganization and dissociation. This is common for people who grew up in environments where conflict felt chaotic or threatening again if there was early abuse or trauma or even later on in life. And then lastly, this loneliness. Despite craving connection, my nervous system defaulted to self protection, leading to emotional distancing. And the loneliness, I felt, came from a deep internal conflict, wanting closeness but fearing it at the same time. I was in A heightened state of vigilance. So always scanning for potential threats or signs of betrayal, again, stress from arguments or closeness caused me to dissociate or become disoriented and then oscillating between seeking connection and retreating to avoid vulnerability was creating this. This was my body's way of protecting me based on early experiences where trust and safety were unreliable or not there altogether. I want to mention that, and we're going to get into this in depth in a moment, but healing this dynamic involves practicing self soothing, creating safe spaces for connection. Um, and learning to stay present in moments of love and in conflict. And over time, these practices really do help your nervous system relax and foster secure attachment patterns. What is fearful avoidant attachment style? I listed a bunch of things but Fearful avoidant attachment, also called disorganized attachment, arises from chaotic or inconsistent caregiving in childhood. Imagine growing up in an environment where love and safety weren't predictable. One moment a caregiver might be warm and supportive, the next they could be critical, unavailable, and even frightening. It's this combination that lies somewhere between dismissive avoidant and anxious preoccupied attachment styles. This also means that fearful avoidants tend to swing between both sides of these attachment styles, exhibiting both dismissive and anxious characteristics. Again, as I mentioned, fearful avoidance have experienced trauma in their childhood or in their adult relationships, making them desire an emotional and positive relationship yet associated with betrayal, which results in this classic hot and cold fearful avoidant pattern. And as such, they tend to look after themselves and usually take on the role of caregiver, making them highly empathetic and simultaneously vigilant as adults. I know that's how it was for me. Some of the overlapping traits include being very present with others, which can tend to be more on the anxious side, charming, again, more on the anxious side, likable, more on the anxious side. Generous and close relationships, again, on the anxious side of things, and then being hypervigilant for betrayal, which is more dismissive, intense, which is more dismissive, hot and cold, dismissive, and suspicious, which is also dismissive. All of these lead to developing powerful core wounds that affect how the brain works. We see ourselves and our relationships. So if you are a fearful avoidant or dating one, there are some really powerful unresolved core wounds that you may have about yourself. And some of those are, I will be betrayed. I am unworthy. I will be abandoned. I am helpless. I am unloved or I am weak when I am overly emotional or available to others. Those are just some of them. And I want to give another example of how this forms. Say you grew up in an environment where there was alcoholism and you experienced your parent or caregiver one day is like a happy drunk. And then maybe the next week they were sober but emotionally unstable. And the next week, after that, they were drunk and didn't come home. And then some of the time they were just plain old predictable parents. As you can imagine, this creates a very chaotic and scary upbringing. Other examples of this are if a parent was mentally ill, suicidal, or chronically ill. And again, I want to just mention that attachment wounds can form in adulthood if there was abuse, narcissistic behavior, or any of the above. And this creates internal conflict. The need for connection becomes deeply ingrained, but the fear of betrayal or rejection becomes equally strong. So what happens is this alternating between anxious and avoidant behaviors often feel feeling trapped by the intensity of their emotions, and the desire for closeness, but the fear of the vulnerability it requires. Some of the most common triggers can include a lack of trust, such as Being lied to, secrecy, not keeping promises or lack of transparency, distant or distracting behaviors or doing something different than usual, pushing to become emotionally close, being told to open up or become vulnerable. Becoming reliant on someone, so being dependent on someone else apart from themselves. Emotional situations or intense conversations. Or feeling unworthy by being criticized or thinking they're unloved. Those are just a few of the, the triggers that come along with this attachment style. So how to recognize this fearful avoidant pattern. And as I said, it's complex because pretty much all the time trauma is involved. So number one, there's this flip flopping between closeness and distance. Craving intimacy one day and feeling overwhelmed by it the next day. So this push pull dynamic is confusing for both you and your partner. 2. Difficulty receiving love. Compliments, kindness, or generosity may make you feel uneasy, prompting you to withdraw or dismiss the gesture. Number three. Emotional dysregulation. Intense emotions like anger, anxiety, or shame can feel overwhelming. And jumping to worst case scenarios is the go to. And then there's the struggle to calm down after a conflict. Four, hyper control or fear of helplessness. Maintaining control over your environment, routines, or emotions may feel crucial for your sense of safety. Number five, challenges with boundaries. So you may overextend yourself to please others, then feel resentful or taken advantage of. Number six, empathy, but with a twist. You may over identify with other, other people. other's emotions, often projecting your fears onto them while struggling to trust your own intentions. Okay, so that was a lot of information. Maybe just, let's all take a moment to remember we have legs. If your feet are on the ground, just perhaps even taking a moment to notice your feet on the ground. So what can you do if you're someone that is fearful avoidant? Let's, let's start with a bit of a game plan. Number one, name the fear. So it can be really helpful to write down what terrifies you about love or connection. So some examples, is it losing control? Is it feeling helpless? Whatever it is, acknowledge it. Number two, challenge your thoughts, that inner dialogue. The one is saying, that saying, they'll leave if I ask for what I need. Question this fear. Is it true? Is it possible that this is not true? Number three, connect instead of disconnect. When your instinct is to pull away, lean into the connection and ask yourself, what do you do to distance yourself from relationships? What are the things that you're doing right now to break closeness and connection? Then begin to choose things you can do to create more connection. Start small, sharing your feelings in manageable ways. Start with the people you trust. Allow yourself to take in and receive love and support even when it feels uncomfortable. Number four, building emotional regulation skills. This one is huge. It was for me and so many of my clients, they're all huge, but this one particularly is, is a, is a game changer. So learning these self soothing techniques, using somatic exercises to calm your nervous system, seeking support through therapy or somatic practices to address unresolved trauma. All of the above are about. Rebuilding basic trust, which is often a missing link from earlier on in life. We talk about this and more, how to build regulation and emotional regulation skills in my course, Reclaiming Resilience, if you need some extra support and additional tools. And I'll post that link in the show notes. Another thing I want to just briefly mention is that fearful avoidance often confuse infatuation with love. Thank you. So they tend to be pretty excellent at getting others to open up, but then struggle themselves to basically reciprocate with the same depth. And so true love requires letting someone see the real you, the messy, the vulnerable. the human you. And so often this is associated with chaotic behavior, like why would I want to show everything that I am if it's like that person that hurt me, that was supposed to love me, that was scary. So you can begin by starting to ask yourself if this is something that you struggle with. Am I showing up with my mask on or am I allowing myself to be loved as I truly am? Have I let my partner see the parts of me that even I have trouble accepting. So keeping in mind that letting someone love you, your fears, your flaws and imperfections is the foundation of secure, lasting love and connection. Let's move on to how to build love and trust with a fearful avoidant partner. Loving someone with this attachment wound is an invitation to step into vulnerability and consistency. So let's get into it. Number one, vulnerability. Sharing your fears, flaws, and insecurities. So this might seem tough, but it also is pretty natural to do when you're wanting to get to know someone if you already have this secure attachment background or if you want to become more secure. Showing them your raw humanity will help them let their guard down as well. Number two, accountability. This one's huge. Owning your mistakes and providing context. So perhaps saying something like, Oh, I'm so sorry I forgot to text you back because work was crazy. Is miles better than just, uh, sorry. You know, or giving no context. Number three, consistency. Be where you say you'll be, do what you say you'll do, and if plans change, communicate it clearly. Number four, validation. Folks with this attachment wound need to know that their emotions matter. So even if you don't agree, acknowledge their feelings, and also talk about yours. Number five, transparency. Be open and honest about your intentions, actions, and emotions. So this again isn't about oversharing, it's about creating a space where trust can build and flourish. We're thinking of the three C's, actually four C's. Consistency, congruency, consideration, and giving context. All of those ingredients together is how you build a foundation of trust. So while your fearful avoidant partner is over on their side of the fence, building safety, basic trust, emotional resilience, and learning about their own triggers. And how to mend, you will be there doing your own work. You will be there as their support pillow because it takes two to build a relationship. I just wanted to get into a few final thoughts because this is a big one. This attachment adaptation truly isn't a life sentence. It's just a starting point, a starting point of giving yourselves the things that you didn't have. By building self awareness, leaning into vulnerability, and fostering trust, you can transform your relationships from push pull chaos to secure steady love. And as you challenge old patterns and embrace vulnerability, you pave the way for deeper, more fulfilling connections, not just with others, but with yourself first. And if you're loving someone with this attachment, Adaptation. Remember, patience, compassion, and humor go a long way because at the end of the day, we're all just trying to love and be loved. Messy hearts and all. Thank you so much for being here. Together, we can create a world where love feels a little less scary and a lot more possible. Until next time, as always, thank you so much for listening. Life is busy. So it means even more that you're carving out time in your day to be here. Listen, we've got so many great episodes coming up, so please make sure you subscribe to follow along on Apple podcasts or Spotify. And for those of you who like to watch your podcasts, we are now uploading them to YouTube. And if you appreciate these episodes, please do us a favor and leave a rating or a review and share it with anyone you think could benefit. See you again next Wednesday.