Ep. 63 Navigating Intimacy in Partnerships & Understanding Sexual Boundaries - Solo Episode

Sexual Healing and Intimacy: A Personal Journey

In this episode Lisa Dawn delves into the deeply personal topic of sexual healing and the process of reconnecting with one's body, boundaries, and desires. Sharing her own experiences with her husband Tim, she explores the dynamics of intimacy, the impact of sexual trauma, and the importance of listening to one's body. The episode also includes a guided somatic practice aimed at helping listeners identify and navigate their embodied responses to intimacy, ultimately promoting healing and self-awareness.

Work with Lisa 1:1

00:00 Introduction to Healed, Now What?

01:21 Diving into Sexual Healing

02:16 Merlin's Training Adventures

03:23 Navigating Intimacy in Marriage

06:44 Understanding Sexual Boundaries

11:01 Somatic Practice for Healing

18:07 Closing Thoughts and Announcements

Transcript

Lisa: 0:01

Greetings, my friends, and welcome to another episode of Healed, Now What?, a podcast where we discuss life, relationships, connection, and trauma through the lens of somatic and attachment psychology, nervous system health, relationships, and self discovery. I'm Lisa Dawn, and I'm on a mission to teach people how to transform their deepest wounds into their greatest strengths by first transforming the relationship they have with themselves. So whether you've had trauma, years of failed partnerships, or just want a better relationship with your body, I've got you covered. I am a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner, Educator, Relationship Mentor, and Trauma Survivor. With a lifetime of experience helping not only myself, but countless others transform their lives by learning how to become the fullest versions of themselves. We do this through self awareness, connecting with their bodies and changing the way they perceive themselves and others. I have coached in numerous people how to heal their wounds and create lasting change so they can live a more joyous, passionate and fulfilling life. Thank you so much for tuning in and enjoy the show. Hey guys, Lisa Dawn here. Welcome back to this week's episode. Today we're diving into a topic that is deeply personal, but so important. Sexual healing and the unfolding process of reconnecting with our bodies, boundaries, and desires. Now, this story is close to my heart, and as always, I'll be sharing honestly in the hopes that it resonates with you or provides some clarity for you on your own journey. So grab a cup of tea or your favorite hot beverage, settle in, and let's get into it. Oh yeah, and for those of you wondering, training with Merlin is going well. Well, it was going well until today. The trainers had warned us about a period of rebellious regression. And let me tell you, I got to experience it firsthand. Today, Merlin decided it was his mission to chase deer up the hill and all the way into town. For reference, we live on an acreage bordering town. So into town is literally just up the hill. He ignored every single one of my commands, was a jerk to our bestie's dog, he ate four mouthfuls of horse manure, because why not, and then thought it would be a brilliant idea to chase a feral cat under the house, nearly getting himself stuck. So, apparently this regression period is a sign that the training is working, so I guess I'll just have to trust the process. Uh, onto the episode. So my husband Tim and I just celebrated our anniversary and this year brought a pretty big shift for us. He's had a career change that requires him to be away Monday through Friday and it's been an adjustment, not just emotionally and logistically, but in how we connect as a couple. In the first few weeks of him being away, when he would return, we noticed this unspoken pressure to be intimate when he got home on Fridays. And when he was home more often, our sensual time felt non pressured, spontaneous, but now it seemed a bit scheduled and forced. And this is something that my body Was definitely not okay with. We'll explore how I was experiencing this, but before I share the rest of the story I wanted to let you know that Tim is okay with me sharing. His response to my asking was, Well, what's another intimate detail in service to the whole? So here we go. Prior to this we'd been exploring the idea of roleplay and dressing up to bring some more playfulness into our bedroom. But what I didn't anticipate was the reaction my body had to just the mere suggestion of it. My body sent me some pretty clear signals that it was a not on board with forced intimacy and now with this new idea of adding something innocent and fun and playful it all just felt a bit overwhelming. So as evening approached I just started to feel tight and constricted, which is not exactly the vibe you want for a romantic evening. And Tim offered to give me a massage. Now, normally I am all about massages. Seriously. If I could get a full body massage every day, I'd be living my best life. But this time, And my immediate thought was, Oh God, he probably wants to have sex. So right away, I noticed that thought, and then I noticed how my body was feeling. So in that moment, alongside with the thought, I was feeling tense. tight and definitely not relaxed. So I tuned in a little bit more to check to see if I could notice exactly where I was feeling these things. And it was mostly in my chest and my throat and upper body. And so after a few moments of just witnessing myself, of absorbing, observing these sensations, I decided to just be honest. I said, babe, I want to be intimate in receiving touch, but I'm not feeling anything else this evening. And I noticed that as soon as I said those words, my body relaxed, I exhaled, and it was like my nervous system went, Oh, thank God. Thanks for listening. Tim and I continued to have an open conversation about what was happening, and by the end we both felt relieved and more deeply connected. Now I've talked about sexual fawning in a previous episode, how we sometimes override our own boundaries to please our partners. Sexual boundary ruptures don't just come from abuse, they can happen in our most loving relationships when we feel that we have to be sexual, even when our body is saying no. And the episode for that was number 33 called Separating Fear from Pleasure for those interested in tuning in. So anything sexual that overwhelms your body becomes a trauma. And my body had been overwhelmed on multiple occasions and it didn't have the time, space, or support to process that overwhelm. But on this particular weekend it was feeling safe enough to process some of it. And that is where Tim and I found ourselves. So, the next day, we spent some time relaxing, slept in a little bit, got spa treatments, and then when we were in town, we even visited an intimate store. Then when we got home, I noticed that familiar pressure creeping in, and as evening approached again, I felt myself. So I was standing in the washroom and Tim joined me and we were just having a conversation and I crossed my arms and admitted I'm feeling closed and unavailable again. And he was open to exploring this with me so I decided just to close my eyes and tune into my body. And immediately I saw an image of us being playfully sexual and then along with that thought I felt discomfort. One side of my body felt relaxed while the other was tense, stiff, and a feeling of embarrassment arose. And I realized in that moment that I wasn't actually dealing with adult Lisa. I was revisiting a younger part of myself when things didn't feel as safe. My body had connected pleasure, innocence, and playfulness with shame and embarrassment. So a deeper layer of healing was unfolding. I didn't even know. Had no idea. My body wanted to separate pleasure from shame and as I tuned into both parts of myself The free liberated part and the scared embarrassed part I allowed my body some time to just have me witness it While Tim was there all the while as a steady support. It was such a profound moment of untethering from past wounds And healing has been about getting to know the real me, her needs, wants, and boundaries, and learning to speak her language, even when it wasn't convenient. This journey is about being more at choice in our adult relationships. It's recognizing our tendencies from our wounds and reducing their influence over our behaviors. It's healing the wounds that have disrupted our connections and finding resolution with our past. And for me, this included understanding that I always have a choice to say no. Something that I didn't realize for a very, very long time. And Tim's reassurance that evening was simple but profound. Baby, we don't have to do anything you don't want to do ever. Our bodies have their own memories, their own fears, their own recorded history. And constriction is the body's way of protecting itself. And sexual trauma often presents as physical bracing, especially in the pelvis, jaw, and other areas too. So learning to feel both the constriction and the safety that exists within and around our bodies is essential for healing. So I thought that we could do a bit of a somatic practice for this. And the intention of this practice is to be able to feel the places that are safe, and simultaneously feel the places that are braced in response to pleasure or trauma. So, if you're feeling up for it, then join me in this short practice, and if not, just take a moment to check in and see where you are. Maybe this is something that you would prefer to do another day. Maybe you're already feeling a little bit overwhelmed and not ready to dive into yet another practice, and if that is the case, then this recording will be here for you when you are ready. for those of you who want to join, just settle into your space a little bit. Find your legs and your feet and do a little check in. How can you make yourself more comfortable? Do you need some water? Do you have to go to the washroom? Maybe you need another layer. How can you provide for yourself in this moment? You'll also need a pillow for this exercise, so take a moment to grab one. Okay. So again, just settling in, connecting to your feet and to your seat. And the invitation is just to keep your eyes open and connect to something pleasant in the space that you're in. So it could be anything. If you have a dog or a pet, maybe connecting with that, or a piece of artwork that brings you joy or a plant. And as you connect with something pleasant in the room, feel where that something pleasant is being experienced in your body. So for example, I'm just noticing this beautiful plant that I have in my office, and when I connect to that plant, I just feel, um, a lightness in my chest, a bit of warmth. So just notice how the pleasant thing in the room is affecting your body. And now you're gonna grab your pillow and put it over your belly so that it's also covering a bit of your thighs and also your genitals. And then just give it a slight, very gentle squeeze. And notice how it feels to your body to have this pillow in front of you. And now just imagine being intimate. Just think about having sex with someone. Just imagine yourself getting turned on. And just take a moment to call this forth. No need to rush it. And as you do this, just see if you can notice any parts of you that tense up or brace. Maybe you clench your fists, perhaps your chest feels restricted. Just notice any sensations of bracing that follow imagining having sex or being intimate for a play. This could show up in your jaw, your shoulders, your breath. Are you holding your breath and your pelvis? Now just take a moment to practice feeling into where your body is experiencing pleasant feelings from the room and from the pillow. And then we're going to go back to feeling into where your body braces. in response to even just thinking about sex or intimacy. So the idea here is to practice feeling both. So we don't get lost in the bracing, and so we also don't ignore the bracing that's happening from something that could be pleasurable. It's important when we're working with sexual trauma that we can acknowledge both. Letting our bodies enjoy pleasure while also being in relationship with parts that brace. is important because they're telling us something important about what our bodies are holding. Now you may need to practice this several times to get a sense for what your body is experiencing, and each time you practice, notice what, if anything, is different. Perhaps this means grabbing a journal and just documenting what your experience was, and then the next time seeing, If the pleasure has increased and the constriction decreased, or maybe it was the other way around. The key here is just becoming more aware of how our bodies are reacting to intimacy in this way. And this dual awareness is key. It allows us to honor our body's protective responses, while also nurturing its capacity for pleasure. And over time this practice can help us to release old patterns and create new safe experiences of intimacy while being in a safe container. I'm going to close this out with a quote from Peter Levine. To experience embodied awareness Take notice of the underlying sensations that actually inform you about how you feel. If you were to be asked about how you feel when you are stressed or in pain, a common answer might be, I feel anxious or I feel upset. It's important to go further by becoming curious about how you know that you're feeling anxious or upset. Is there a tightness or a burning that is happening right now inside of you that you are labeling anxiety or upset? So just remember, it's okay to take your time. It's okay to need additional support. This work is about coming back to yourself one step at a time. Thanks for listening, friends. Until next time, take care of yourselves and each other. As always, thank you so much for listening. Life is busy. So it means even more that you're carving out time in your day to be here. Listen, we've got so many great episodes coming up, so please make sure you subscribe to follow along on Apple podcasts or Spotify. And for those of you who like to watch your podcasts, we are now uploading them to YouTube. And if you appreciate these episodes, please do us a favor and leave a rating or a review and share it with anyone you think could benefit. See you again next Wednesday.

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