Ep. 67 How Eye Contact Shapes Your Relationships: Healing Through Being Seen - Solo Episode

The Power of Eye Contact: Connection, Healing, and Self-Discovery.

In this episode Lisa Dawn explores the profound impact of eye contact on relationships, connection, and nervous system health. 

She shares personal experiences of overcoming difficulties with eye contact and provides insight into how somatic and attachment psychology can help transform deeply ingrained survival strategies. 

Lisa discusses the interconnectedness of the eyes, jaw, and pelvis, and offers practical exercises to help listeners develop safe and natural eye contact. Additionally, she emphasizes the importance of the eyes as both receivers and transmitters of emotional energy and how true intimacy involves a dance of seeing and being seen. 

The episode concludes with guided practices for relaxing the pelvis, jaw, and eyes to build tolerance for connection and intimacy.

Work with Lisa 1:1 

00:00 Introduction to Healed, Now What?

01:21 Personal Updates and Episode Topic Introduction

02:10 The Power of Eye Contact

06:49 Eyes as Receivers and Transmitters

15:30 Interconnection of Eyes, Jaw, and Pelvis

18:44 Practical Exercises for Eye Contact

28:51 Reflecting on the Practice

30:39 Closing Remarks and Future Episodes

Transcript

Lisa: 0:01

Greetings, my friends, and welcome to another episode of Healed, Now What?, a podcast where we discuss life, relationships, connection, and trauma through the lens of somatic and attachment psychology, nervous system health, relationships, and self discovery. I'm Lisa Dawn, and I'm on a mission to teach people how to transform their deepest wounds into their greatest strengths by first transforming the relationship they have with themselves. So whether you've had trauma, years of failed partnerships, or just want a better relationship with your body, I've got you covered. I am a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner, Educator, Relationship Mentor, and Trauma Survivor. With a lifetime of experience helping not only myself, but countless others transform their lives by learning how to become the fullest versions of themselves. We do this through self awareness, connecting with their bodies and changing the way they perceive themselves and others. I have coached innumerous people how to heal their wounds and create lasting change so they can live a more joyous, passionate and fulfilling life. Thank you so much for tuning in and enjoy the show. Hey guys, Lisa Dawn here. Welcome back. How's everyone doing today? I am feeling spring is in the air. It is a slushy and poopy mess, um, out where I am on an acreage in Alberta. We have five dogs. that live on the property and so as the melt as the snow is melting we're getting a sense of How much they've been doing their business all winter long. So I'm not mad about it though. I'm just thankful for the warmer temperatures But I digress today We are talking about eye contact Yep, that thing that can feel like an open invitation to connection or a direct confrontation with your own soul. Now, as a recovering avoidant attacher, I remember a time when eye contact was actually incredibly difficult for me. Even if I were just walking down the street and someone was walking towards me, I just couldn't help but look down and away. And I would avoid that kind of eye contact at all costs. Even just the mere idea of eye contact, no thanks. Then came my first experience with eye gazing in a sharing circle with strangers. In just 60 seconds. But it felt like forever. I remember feeling like my body wanted to escape, my emotions surged, there were tears, and it was a pretty intense experience for most of us there that day. So why is eye contact so powerful? Why do some of us avoid it while others crave it? And what does it reveal about our attachment patterns and nervous system? That's what we're unpacking today through a somatic and attachment based lens. We'll dive into the connection between the eyes, jaw, and pelvis and how one can inform the others. And we'll also try some exercises to make eye contact feel safer and more natural. So let's get into it. Eyes have long been called the windows to the soul. But they're also portals, gateways to potential connection and deep intimacy. When we truly look into another's eyes, beyond the social masks and reflexive defenses, we glimpse something raw and unguarded. And our nervous system responds instinctively. Pupils will dilate, our breath can shift, micro expressions flicker. And a simple, prolonged gaze can evoke safety, desire, or even terror, depending on the relational imprints we carry. For those with attachment wounds, eye contact can be or feel like a battleground. So avoidant folks, like myself, may struggle to sustain it, fearing exposure. While anxious types may seek it desperately, needing reassurance. While securely attached individuals, on the other hand, rest. In the natural rhythm of eye contact, meeting, softening, looking away, and returning with ease. And then folks that have a more disorganized system may struggle to sustain it while seeking it desperately. So it's like this push and pull between the two. And in somatic and attachment healing, eyes can be an entry point. The way someone meets or avoids gaze can reveal old survival strategies. And this was the case for me, I just didn't know it at the time. So learning how to hold eye contact in a grounded way can begin to rewire the way that we perceive threat. We can rewire the nervous system, building tolerance for connection and intimacy. And eyes are not just receivers, they're transmitters. They hold the full spectrum of human experience. So love, grief, longing, recognition. To be truly seen without pretense or performance is one of the most profound experiences of human existence. Man, eyes are so hardcore. So speaking of which, speaking of eyes as both receivers and transmitters, It's this unbroken circuit of energy, emotion, and perception. So they don't just take in the world, they shape it, they communicate within it. and even influence how others respond. So let's talk about eyes as receivers a little bit. Our eyes are the first storytellers of our nervous system, constantly scanning the environment for cues of safety or threat. Before we process words, before we even consciously register what we're seeing, our eyes absorb the microexpressions, body language, and emotional charge of those around us. So it's kind of like this perception beyond vision. So eyes don't just see, they feel. They can register sadness in someone's face before their voice cracks, the unspoken longing in a glance, the subtle shifts of dilation and movement that can signal trust, fear, or excitement. They can show us mirroring and attunement in deep connection, our eyes synchronize within others. Our pupils dilate in response to attraction, our expressions soften in resonance with warmth, and babies seek out eye contact to regulate their nervous system. And as adults, we instinctively do the same. And we can receive healing through receiving. We can allow ourselves to truly see and be seen. We can open to repair. Receiving a loving gaze, especially if we've historically been met with disinterest or avoidance, can really help reshape our internal sense of worth and belonging. So now let's talk about eyes as transmitters. So while the eyes receive they also give and every glance we offer can carry an intention and emotion and energy Revealing more than words ever could so they can be a form of unfiltered truth Even when we try and conceal our emotion our eyes can betray us They reveal longing in a moment of restraint excitement behind feigned indifference vulnerability In the pause between blinks, they can be invitations and boundaries. A lingering gaze can be an invitation into intimacy, curiosity, or shared experience. Averted eyes can signal discomfort, shyness, or the need for space. Our eyes can communicate our availability or lack thereof to the world. And there's a form of energetic transmission. Just as eyes can receive care and attunement, they can offer it. A soft gaze can soothe. A focused stare can challenge. A playful glimmer can ignite connection. In moments of true presence, eyes become a direct channel for love, reassurance, and even transformation. So there's this dance of seeing and being seen. And true intimacy lies in the balance between receiving and transmitting. Between looking with curiosity and allowing ourselves to be witnessed. To hold someone's gaze without pretense, without defense, is to stand at the edge of profound connection. And eye contact is regulated by the social engagement system. which is a function of the ventral vagal branch of the parasympathetic nervous system. So this system helps us to connect with others through facial expressions, vocal tone, and eye contact. And again, If someone has a history of relational trauma, neglect, or misattuned caregivers, their nervous system may associate prolonged eye contact with threat rather than connection. So again, when making eye contact, the brain is processing microexpressions, emotional cues, and relational safety signals at an unconscious level. And if the nervous system perceives these signals as overwhelming, It may trigger one of these defensive responses. So I just. want to explain what may be happening in your body if a defensive response has been triggered. So, if a sympathetic activation, fight or flight, has been triggered, so the body will gear up to either defend or escape. So the eye contact may feel intense, overstimulating, or even confrontational. And some people will dart their eyes away or get really fidgety. Others may feel like their heart races or their body tenses. So the next example is, um, freeze or dorsal vagal shutdown. So the body may go into like a protective numbness, and eye contact may feel like it drains energy, or creates a sense of the urge to want to disappear. The person might dissociate or feel checked out. So, a history of neglect or avoidance based attachment can definitely contribute to this. And then there is an appease response or fawn response. So eye contact is maintained, but it feels performative rather than genuine. So the person may be hyper focused on reading the other's emotions to avoid conflict. And this is common with people with anxious attachment who learn to prioritize others feelings over their own. And as infants, we learn about connection and safety through eye contact with our caregivers. As I mentioned earlier, if the caregiver was attuned, eye contact felt soothing and regulating. But if a caregiver was emotionally unavailable, intrusive, or misattuned, eye contact might have felt overwhelming, inconsistent, or even threatening. So, a lot of information there, but let's It might be nice just to go into a few gentle practices to help develop this skill in receiving and transmitting eye contact. So for those of you who struggle with eye contact, gradual exposure and nervous system co regulation can help. So one of the ways we can do this is by trying out a soft gaze before a direct gaze. So this just means you're looking near someone's eyes, but not directly into them. Perhaps you're looking at their nose. Um, yeah, mostly their nose or some other area of their face with a soft gaze without. looking directly into their eyes. So you can definitely practice this with friends and loved ones. And then also, taking breaks. So blinking naturally and breaking gaze when needed. So instead of forcing prolonged eye contact you can just take breaks when you need, look away. And as I mentioned, practicing with safe trusted people before extending to more challenging interactions. And you can practice looking into the mirror, into your own kind eyes. So the best way to do this is to evoke some compassion or kindness for yourself first, and then just look into your own eyes in the mirror. And another thing that we can help, that can help with this is we call this Explore, exploratory orienting. So this is just looking around your environment. So you're consciously doing this. You're just letting your eyes look around your environment and really just taking it in, noticing what you notice. And we've done this multiple times on, on the podcast. This is good to do just anywhere you go. It gives your body a sense of, of feeling safe, relative safe, safety, when you can kind of just observe whatever space you're, you're in. Hmm. So, let's chat a bit about the eyes, jaw, and pelvis and how they're interconnected. So these three spots are deeply interconnected in relational healing because they're all pretty big areas where we store attention, expression, and survival responses in the body. So they reflect our ability to connect, express, and receive. which are three essential aspects of attachment and intimacy. When we work with relational wounds, we often find that the way we hold tension in one of these areas influences the others. So understanding this connection can help us to release old patterns and move more towards embodied, secure relationships. So let's talk about this for a minute. The eyes we've talked about, but I'm just going to mention that they are our first social engagement tool. Through eye contact, we can regulate with others, seek reassurance, and express emotions. And when the eyes soften, The jaw is one of the main places we suppress emotion and expression, especially if we had to silence our needs in early relationships. It's also directly connected to the pelvis through fascial and neurological pathways. So since the jaw and pelvis are connected through deep front fascial lines, a tense jaw often corresponds with a tight pelvis. So many people who experience shame, fear of receiving love or emotional repression will have a rigid jaw and difficulty softening their pelvic floor. So moving or pelvic bowl, however you want to refer to that as. So the pelvis receiving grounding and intimacy, the pelvis is a sacred center. It is our center of safety, pleasure, and relational openness. It's where we experience trust, surrender, and deep connection with ourselves and others. If we have attachment wounds or trauma, the pelvis often contracts to protect us. And again, since the jaw and pelvis mirror each other, releasing tension in one can soften the other. Many people find that when they relax their jaw and allow their breath to deepen, their pelvis also begins to soften and vice versa. Then, when we gently work with all three, We can create this pathway towards embodied relational healing where we feel safe to be seen in the eyes, heard in the jaw, and received in the pelvis. So moving into this next practice. So this is something that you can try with a partner. a trusted friend, or even in a therapy session with a therapist that you feel safe and attuned to. So just be aware that there can be an emotional response when working with these areas of the body. So just tune in before practicing and make sure it's with someone that you feel a trusted connection with. And this does not have to be a long practice either, and you can split it into manageable chunks. So many people carry unconscious tension in their pelvic bowl due to stress, trauma, or habitual bracing. So we're just going to first work with softening this area, even if ever so slightly, and then we'll move forward. So, it's really important to take your time with this one and you can pause and come back to this practice at any time. So, there you are, sitting there with your trusted person across from each other. And together, you're going to relax your pelvic bowl. So, one really effective way to do this, and I just want to mention, you can also practice this on your own first. It doesn't necessarily have to be partnered, only for the eye gazing session. And even for that, you could practice just doing that in a mirror. So if you do have a trusted person or a therapist and you're willing to give this a try, we're just going to start by relaxing your pelvic bowl. So one really effective way to do this is just to let out a sigh. So just taking a breath in and really just allowing that sigh to sink all the way down into your seat. So if you're sitting, you're just really feeling that sigh go all the way down, feeling your bum resting on whatever it's resting on. Just feel free to even just do that a few times. If you need to close your eyes gently, the invitation is there. Now, another way. is just to really gently rock your pelvis back and forth a few times. Again, just enough so that you're feeling the connection with your chair. And as we do, just do a little check in. That might be it for today. Just feeling the presence of someone relaxing their pelvis in your presence. Just noticing that and sitting with that. But if you'd like to keep going, we can move forward into step two. So now we're just going to soften our tongues. So allowing the tongue to rest, which also helps to soften the jaw. How do we do this? So we soften the tongue by allowing it to drop from the roof of your mouth and allowing it to rest gently at the bottom. So if it helps, maybe even just imagine it spreading out like a warm, heavy cloth, softening at the base. And then you're just letting the tip of your tongue gently touch. Your bottom teeth. Just notice how that feels. If you'd like, you can even just gently massage, massage your jaw with your fingers, and just notice how it feels to have a soft tongue allowing the tongue to rest. And again, the invitation is always to pause, check in to see where are you right now, and do you want to move into the actual eye gaze? And the answer may be no today, it may be yes, it may be just not right now. And if so, we want to honor that. And how might your no show up? It could show up as feeling spacey, disconnected, or a little bit constricted. Maybe it feels like you want to bolt to the door or maybe it's just an overall feeling like this is too much right now. Just notice that and honor it. And if you're still here, we can move together to the next step. So now we're just going to shift our attention to the eyes. and relax them. How you might want to do this is instead of staring at a fixed point, just allow your awareness to expand to the edges of your visual field. So just allowing your eyes to take in your peripheral as well as what's in front of you. So imagine seeing the whole room, rather than just focusing on one spot. So this will naturally activate a parasympathetic response. When we think of a soft gaze, think about how your eyes feel when you're gazing at a sunset, looking at a fire out a window while lost in thought. And again, just pause and notice what's going on in your body right now. And if you're willing and ready to move forward, the next step of this is to set the intention of receiving one another. So as you do this, you're just preparing for that. And when you decide to meet eyes, see if you can Receive the person in front of you into the backs of your eyeballs, so you're just really kind of softly looking at them, taking them in, and then just drawing your attention towards the backs of your eyeballs. And again, you may want to just stop there if this feels good, meaning you still feel present and not overwhelmed. Then you can proceed to the next steps. So once you've received this person in front of you into the backs of your eyeballs. Then continue to notice receiving, this receiving of this person in front of you, allow it to pass over your soft tongue. So again, you may not get this right away. You might be thinking, what the hell is Linz talking about right now? So you're just taking this person in and you're allowing this gaze to move Through you, so it's passing through the backs of your eyeballs. It's moving across your tongue. Now you're just going to continue to take it in down your throat, through your belly, and finally down through your soft pelvic floor. And again, each time you do this, you might just want to stop at each one and really just pace yourself. So, for today, you may have stopped at the back of your eyeballs, that was enough, you're like, alright, that was a lot of, of receiving. Next time, you may want to play around with allowing that person in front of you to really come in past the back of your eyeballs and past over your tongue. And then the next it might be through your throat, the next through your belly, and finally down through your pelvic floor. And with each step, you're just going to notice what it's like to be received and witnessed in this way. Knowing that all the while you have choice, and that right now in this moment you have relative safety. And again, just as a reminder, there can be some emotions that come to the surface, which is why really pacing yourself with this exercise is going to be the key to this, to the success of this. Moving forward in a way that feels comfortable and connective for you. And every small step towards feeling more comfortable with being seen is a step towards deeper connection. So just check in. How was that for you? And if you didn't do the practice today, how is it for you to even think about doing this practice? What comes alive inside of you? So as per usual, I wanted to sign off with some beautiful words about eyes. Just a few, just a few words. Your eyes stole all my words away. It's in the eyes, always the eyes. When there are no words, let your eyes do the talking. Eye contact isn't just a social thing. It's a relational experience. And the more we understand our nervous system's response to it, the more we can navigate connection with ease and authenticity. So the next time you find yourself locking eyes or gazing at someone, whether it's a friend, a partner, or the barista handing you your coffee, see if you can just pause, breathe, notice what arises, and maybe, just maybe over time, soften. into the moment of truly being seen. Well friends, that's all I have for you today. Until next time, take care and keep gazing softly into the world. Bye for now. As always, thank you so much for listening. Life is busy. So it means even more that you're carving out time in your day to be here. Listen, we've got so many great episodes coming up, so please make sure you subscribe to follow along on Apple podcasts or Spotify. And for those of you who like to watch your podcasts, we are now uploading them to YouTube. And if you appreciate these episodes, please do us a favor and leave a rating or a review and share it with anyone you think could benefit. See you again next Wednesday.

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