Ep.70 How to Stop Recreating the Past and Finally Feel Safe in Love - Solo

In this week's episode, Lisa Don delves into the challenges of setting boundaries and maintaining healthy relationships, especially when dealing with attachment wounds. 

She explores the difference between intellectual knowledge and embodied experiences, discussing how our nervous systems are wired for survival rather than fulfillment. Lisa offers insights on how to identify and heal from anxious, avoidant, and disorganized attachment styles through embodied practices. 

She shares practical exercises, like the Safe Touch and Containment Exercise, the Inner Secure Anchor journaling exercise, and the Yes-No Body Compass, to help listeners develop self-trust and regulate their emotions. 

The episode emphasizes the importance of experiencing safety and security in real-time relationships, advocating for a combination of cognitive understanding and embodied practice for true transformation and healing.

Work with Lisa 

00:00 Introduction and Episode Overview

00:23 Understanding Attachment Wounds

01:19 Embodied Experience vs. Intellectual Knowledge

02:21 Anxious, Avoidant, and Disorganized Attachment Styles

05:15 Healing Through Embodied Experience

14:53 Practical Exercises for Healing

22:15 Final Thoughts and Summary

23:22 Closing Remarks and Announcements

Transcript

Lisa: 0:11

Hey guys. Lisa Don here. Welcome back to this week's episode. Today we are diving into something that so many of us struggle with. Boundaries and relationships, especially when attachment wounds are in play, what it takes to heal and how having knowledge of something is quite different from having an embodied experience of it. So if you've ever found yourself overgiving. Chasing someone's love, struggling to walk away from a connection that isn't meeting your needs, running away from connection or straight up, wondering why you just can't seem to get it when it comes to relationships. Then stick around friend. We'll talk about why this happens. How our nervous systems are wired for survival rather than fulfillment. And how to retrain yourself to choose love that actually feels safe and reciprocal. Yay us. We can do it. Before we get into all of that, I, I do wanna talk about this idea of having knowledge about something versus embodied experience. So when we read about attachment, we cognitively understand what attachment styles are, how they form, and the impact they have on relationships. But intellectual knowledge alone doesn't. Shift our body's responses or alter our nervous system responses. We can cognitively understand why someone is doing something, but that doesn't change how our body reacts to the behavior. Man, and I understand this all too well. I used to be and still am an information gatherer and it was pretty great. But years later, without the embodiment piece, I was still struggling with the same issues and then beating myself up for why I just wasn't getting it. So this ties into how we may have an experience of our attachment wounds. So for example, for my people who tend to be more on the anxious side, so how someone that leans more anxious might experience a trigger is suddenly they become overwhelmed with anxiety. So that could feel like feeling a sense of panic or dread when they perceive emotional distance or lack of attention. It could come up as insecurity. Constantly questioning if their partner still loves them, needing reassurance, but feeling unsure of how to get it. And again, this goes beyond intimate partnerships. This applies to friendships, um, workplace dynamics, and pretty much any relational experience that we have. This could look like cl clinginess feeling. An urgent need to be closer, texting or calling more frequently, trying to force connection when things feel uncertain. Now, if you are more on the avoidant side of things, you may experience an attachment trigger as pulling away. So a strong urge to create distance sometimes without even realizing it, such as withdrawing from conversations or avoiding vulnerability altogether, you might double down on self-reliance, overcompensating by focusing on independence and rejecting any form of dependence. Now if you are more disorganized, this means that your relationships were likely rooted in some chaos, uncertainty, and some scary situations. So you might overanalyze situations. So spinning into thoughts, imagining worst case scenarios, and trying to understand why things went wrong. Could be prone to emotional outbursts, so getting lost in arguments, getting confused and forgetting what even happened moments before. And of course, we can experience many of these adaptations throughout our life depending on the person, the relationship, and the circumstance. So these are the kinds of things, a few examples anyway that happen when our attachment adaptation parts are triggered. Now in order to heal, we actually need to begin having an embodied experience of the opposite. Now, of course, on the podcast, I love giving tips and guided experiences, which do help. They, of course, don't replace working through these triggers therapeutically with a trained, embodied witness, but they do absolutely help. And through these processes, through working with someone, this is where through therapy we can create more internal secure attachment space so that there is room to experience something different. So this embodied experience is when you live these principles in your body and in real time relationships, it's about feeling what safety feels like in your system. Learning to trust your instincts and rewiring patterns that no longer serve you. So reading and knowledge gives us the map, but the embodied experience is living the actual journey. I. And as many of you know, if you've been following along for a while, attachment wounds are deeply embedded in our nervous system. Our bodies have adapted to the safety mechanisms we developed as children. Whether that is overreacting in anxiety or shutting down emotions or somewhere in between. So you can understand these patterns on a cognitive level, but if you've never experienced a safe, regulated nervous system, your body can and will still associate closeness with danger, rejection, or neglect. So embodied work helps rewire our nervous system to feel secure and grounded, not just know it intellectually, and this is how healing work sticks. And isn't just another bandaid solution and safety, it can't be conceptualized. It has to be felt. And when attachment wounds are healed, they're healed on a somatic level. This means safety isn't something that you can just talk about. It's something that you feel. It's about feeling safe enough to be vulnerable and knowing that you can rely on yourself, your emotions, and others for support. Now, this also doesn't mean that our attachment wounds won't be triggered in different circumstances. It just means that we have a more secure base to come back to. A more secure way of being with ourselves and soothing ourselves and self-regulating so that when life does throw us relational obstacles, we can come back to center much more quickly and can be flexible and. Adaptable in many different circumstances while still honoring ourselves in the process. So when we begin to reconnect with our body and allow ourself to feel safe in ways that books can't necessarily provide, there are practices that allow your body to process and release stored trauma, which then creates the foundation for healthier attachment patterns. And of course, attachment is relational. So attachment is never just about you as the individual. Although it can feel that way sometimes. It's always in relationship to others, and surprisingly enough that includes how you relate to yourself. So again, reading a book may help you understand your attachment style, but true healing requires us to practice these concepts in relationships and develop and develop them within your internal relationship to yourself. Hmm. Another thing I wanted to mention is that healing attachment wounds takes time and repetition. So the real transformation comes from these places. It takes time to relearn how to trust yourself and others, how to set healthy boundaries, how to regulate your emotions and embodied experiences. Give us the space to practice these things until they become part of who we are. Part of our new way of being. And this is why it is such an incredible experience to have a safe container to do that within a therapeutic connection. So just to summarize, reading can give us the language and the tools, but embodied experience gives us the transformation. So the shift from intellectual understanding to real lived experience is the key to healing attachment wounds and developing a secure inner self. Hmm. So by integrating, you don't just know what safe attachment looks like. You begin to live it. Now what I wanna say is, throughout my own life, I've cycled through literally all of these attachment wounds. When I was anxious, I feared that people were going to leave and never come back. When I was avoidant, I craved. Sexual experiences, but as soon as emotions were on the table, I bolted. When I was more disorganized and working through a bunch of my own trauma, I felt dissociated every time a partner and I would have a disagreement. And this happened in friendships too. I would forget midway through the conversation what I had said a moment prior. And an interesting thing to note is that during those times, I didn't realize these behaviors were originating from me, so that was a hard pill to swallow. I, I tended to blame a lot. I didn't take responsibility, and I certainly didn't have language for what all of this felt like. I just thought relationships were chaotic and scary. So I know that I've touched on this in a few other episodes, but let's briefly cover what a secure response may be from a securely attached person to an avoidant person. So it's this combination of boundaries, self-trust, and self-respect. So. A secure person when someone is pulling away will communicate needs clearly and with self-respect. So that might look something like, Hey, I've noticed you seem distant. Our level of communication is changed. Are you still interested in the connection that we have? And this doesn't feel scary or, I mean, sometimes it does. As a secure person or someone that's developed or remembered her secure attachment, it still can be a little bit scary to have these conversations. But it's not like a fear, a survival based fear like I'll withhold because I want the person to stay rather than having a honest conversation. And then from there, we observe actions, not just words. And if the avoidant person isn't making an effort, the secure person doesn't chase. So sometimes this means letting go with self-worth intact. If their needs aren't met, they enforce boundaries instead of sacrificing themselves. And ano. Another thing I wanna add to that is that xten to walk away when a relationship proves itself to be one sided. So not as a punishment, but as self preservation. So holding a boundary doesn't mean rejecting love, it means choosing respect over breadcrumbs. Boundaries are a way to keep love in, not push it away. Boundaries are not about rejection. They are about self-respect. And every time we honor them, we strengthen the relationship that we have with ourselves. And remember, your nervous system once believed that survival depended on not rocking the boat, but now you have choice. You get to decide what that looks like. So it's important to engage both our mind and our body when doing this work so we can consciously start to check in by also asking some questions and engaging our body and our nervous system by doing some embodiment practices. So I wanted to give a few of these to add to your wellness toolbox. So this one is called the Safe Touch and Containment Exercise. So this is meant to create a sense of inner holding and stability. Many attachment wounds stem from a lack of safe physical contact as a child. So this exercise can recreate the felt sense of holding and containment that fosters security. So how do you do it? And we'll just take a moment and then just cross your arms over your chest in a gentle hug. Or you can place your hands over your heart and your belly and you're just applying a slight pressure as if you're holding yourself with care and steadiness. Now, you might already be doing this, and if not, I just invite you to rock slowly, side to side. It is mimicking this soothing rhythm of being held, and you can bring in the words internally or out loud. I am safe. I am held. I am here for myself. And then just notice what happens. I'm actually doing this exercise right now, and my shoulders just dropped. I took a deep breath Notice for yourself if this creates a sense of warmth, grounding, or presence, more presence. So you can use this during moments of stress, overwhelm, or self-doubt to signal safety. To your nervous system. So this next one I wanna talk about is called the Inner Secure Anchor, and it's a bit of a, a short journaling exercise. So this is one for shifting from external to internal validation. And when we have attachment wounds, we often seek external validation instead of trusting our own wisdom. So this practice develops a staple inner voice that reinforces self-trust. How you do it well, at the end of each night, you can just simply write down. One way that you showed up for yourself today. Now, this could be emotionally, physically, relationally. Today I gave myself self-compassion. Today I went for a walk and moved my body. Today I told someone. That. I love that. I love them. So those are just a few examples, and then you can write down one thing that you're proud of. No matter how small today, I doubt with the stack of laundry on my dresser, that's a personal example. Or I did the dishes, whatever it is. One thing that you're proud of, no matter how small. And then lastly for this one, you can finish with this sentence. I am learning that I can trust myself because, so an example of this could be because I listen to my gut today or because I set a small boundary. So over time, this rewires the brain to recognize self-trust as a lived experience rather than something you need only from others. So the next one is simple and pretty profound. This one is called the yes no body compass, and this is used to reconnect to inner wisdom and boundaries. And folks who have attachment wounds often override their own needs to keep others happy. So this exercise helps you to rebuild trust in your inner signals and set healthier boundaries. So how you do it, you just want to stand or sit with your feet on the ground, and just take a few breaths here. Notice yourself connecting with your seat and with your feet. And then take a moment to think of a clear yes in your life. Okay? So this could be something really simple, your favorite food, a place that you love, and then notice how your body responds. Do you feel lighter, more open? A sense of ease. Just notice whatever you notice in your body with your clear yes. And now think of a clear no. So something stressful, something you dislike, and again, notice your body's response to it. Do you feel tightness, heaviness, contraction, anywhere? And then you can also take this a step further by practicing asking yourself small questions throughout the day and tuning into your body's natural yes and no signals. Hmm, another cognitive way. And bodily way that you can check in with yourself on a daily basis is to just stand, maybe looking out the window, kind of scanning the horizon. Take a breath, check in with your body and ask yourself, what is one way I can honor my needs today? What is one way I can honor my needs today and see if an answer makes itself available to you. So those are a few practices that kind of tie in this mind body connection. And here's what I wanna leave you with. You are the keeper of your own garden. No one else will do this for you. It's yours to water and tend to love, can feel nourishing, reciprocal, and steady. And if a relationship makes you feel like you're constantly questioning your worth, that's not it. It's probably an old survival response. So part of this work is feeling safe and secure within yourself, so you have this internal compass that's a felt sense that navigates you back to yourself time and time again, and navigates you back to your needs and the non-negotiables that you need and have in your life. So thank you so much for tuning in. Until next time, take care of yourself. Bye for now. As always, thank you so much for listening. Life is busy, so it means even more that you're carving out time in your day to be here. Listen, we've got so many great episodes coming up, so please make sure you subscribe to follow along on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. And for those of you who like to watch your podcasts, we are now uploading them to YouTube. And if you appreciate these episodes, please do us a favor and leave a rating or a review and share it with anyone you think could benefit. See you again next Wednesday.