Ep. 71 Emotional Safety: Spotting it in Your Partner and Harnessing it Within - solo

Building Emotional Safety in Relationships: Compatibility Tests & Internal Security

In this episode, Lisa discusses the concept of emotional safety within relationships and offers practical tips to assess partner compatibility early on. She introduces simple, revealing tests like the 'cold and flu test,' 'stress test,' and 'road trip test' to help identify supportive and present partners. 

Lisa also emphasizes the importance of internal emotional safety, sharing techniques for creating a secure sense of self through safe places, people, memories, and sensations. Gain insights into effective communication, conflict management, accountability, and how to build a solid emotional foundation for healthier, more secure relationships.

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00:00 Introduction and Overview

00:55 Compatibility Tests for Emotional Safety

03:31 Signs of Emotional Safety in Relationships

05:50 Building Internal Emotional Safety

07:11 Practical Exercises for Emotional Safety

12:50 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

14:00 Podcast Announcements and Farewell

Transcript

Lisa: 0:10

Hey guys. Lisa Dawn here. Welcome back to the show. Today we're gonna talk about emotional safety, specifically, how to know if your partner has your back and how compatible you may or may not be early on, because let's be real, when we first meet someone, we tend to have those rows. Colored glasses on and we can miss some pretty important compatibility signals. When things get tough or if there's a conflict, will your partner be there for you in that moment. We're also gonna talk about building emotional safety within when relationships feel overwhelming and unsafe. So thanks for being here with me. So let's start out with some compatibility tests. So let's say you're dating, and maybe it's been a few months or longer. Now let's also assume there hasn't been any major betrayal. You trust your person, but you're wondering, do we really have emotional safety together? Are, do we share the same values? So instead of waiting for a life altering crisis to find out, we can run some tiny compatibility tests, not in a sneaky, manipulative way, but in a, let's see how we actually function together kind of way. Number one, the cold and flu test. I love this one because nothing reveals a person's true nature, like getting sick. Now, when that happens, does your partner bring you soup and check in on you? Are they kind to you or do they disappear until you're healthy again? So just little things to note. Number two. The stress test when you need to vent. It could be about anything about work, your kids, or just life. Do they listen and support you or are they immediately distracted and maybe occasionally mumbling, or you notice that they're really not paying attention at all? Number three. The road trip test also love this one. This is like the ultimate emotional crash course. So how do you guys handle directions and navigation together? What about music choices? Are they able to be patient when you're hangry, or do they act like you've personally ruined their day? Now, these may seem small and insignificant, but these little experiences tell us so much about the other person. And remember, a good partner isn't perfect, but most of the time they're present. They make you feel like you matter, they communicate, and most importantly, they don't act like your humanity is an inconvenience. So let's continue on with some more signs of emotional safety. Here's what we're looking for, communication. Are they able to listen without immediately turning the conversation back to themselves? Do they ask thoughtful questions instead of just waiting for their turn to talk? There's a huge difference there. The next one is humor. Can they joke with you without being mean? Are they able to laugh at themselves? Can they dish it out but not take it? And this next one is huge conflict conversations. So if you wanna talk about something important, like what respect means to them or what they fought about in past relationships, do they engage or do they shut down? Learning how to manage conflict is ultimately going to determine whether a relationship thrives or dies. And having these types of conversations early on can really let us know where the potential is for growth within the relationship. And the next one is accountability. When they mess up, because we all do. Are they able to own it or are they constantly blaming you or something else and never able to take accountability? And again, people aren't perfect, but we wanna know that we're with someone where growth is important and if your partner never reflects on their actions or tries to improve. It's like being in a car with no steering wheel. Good luck getting anywhere. And a secure relationship means you can express your feelings without fearing rejection. You feel like an equal, not an afterthought or an accessory, and your are celebrated, not met with jealousy or indifference. Just wanted to add those in there. And here's the thing, emotional safety also starts with you. You've gotta check in with yourself, understand your feelings, and express them. It's about connection, and if someone truly values you, they will want to meet you there. They will make an effort to meet you there. Now if you've had trauma, especially relational trauma, or you've never really known how to connect to your body or to your emotions, building emotional safety externally will probably feel overwhelming, but you can still take small steps in that direction. But let's talk about creating internal safety while navigating relationships first. It's important to understand that perceived danger is different from actual danger. Sometimes our nervous system reacts to past wounds rather than the present moment. And if you constantly feel exhausted, overwhelmed, and full of anxiety in relationships, these tips then I'm about to share will be so beneficial for you. Here are a few ways to build that felt sense of safety. So number one, and it would be helpful to even just journal about these things I'm about to share with you. Take a few moments when you can, and again, if you can't do that right now, just bookmark this and come back to you to it when you have some time. This is gonna become a pretty solid resource for you in times of need and in times that you need a reminder of how to feel safe within yourself, how to build that, that emotional safety. So number one is just listing out some safe places. So this could be anywhere it identify places where you feel. Secure where you feel good. And these could be real or imagined. It could be as simple as your bed. I know I love my bed. I feel super safe there. The beach, it could be a favorite coffee shop or even a cozy corner of your home. And when you're doing these exercises, after each one just kind of describe in detail. Why you feel safe there, and as you do, just check in with your body and see how you identify feeling good or safe within. So the next one is safe people. So who makes you feel fully accepted as you are? This could be a real person, a remembered person, or even a divine presence that gives you comfort. For example, mine are my hubby, my dog, and some dear close knit friends. Really just spend some time writing out one by one why these folks are your people. I. What brings you comfort about them and get as detailed as you can. The next one is safe music. What music calms your nervous system? I. What music just feels so good to listen to? For me, currently it's Diana Ross, and strangely enough, Randy Travis. Very interesting. Last year it was all about hozier, so just take a note. What are some of the tunes that just make you feel so good? The next one is safe memories. Recalling times when you felt powerful, joyful, or at ease. One of my most fondest memories is watching. A sunrise on a beach in New Zealand, feeling the sand beneath my toes, sitting on my towel, taking in the ocean, watching the waves. Another one is making pierogi with my grandma. The smell of good food, the feel of roll, the rolling pin in my hands just brings me. A sense of peace. So these could be big memories or smaller ones that just feel really nice for you to think about. And the next one is safe sensations. I. So what textures, s sense and taste make you feel grounded and good? I love a good citrus, so anything lemon or orange, maybe it's the smell of lilacs for you or the feeling of a favorite sweater or sipping a warm cup of tea. And again, as you list these things and go into as much detail as possible, just take a moment and see how you're feeling in your body. See if you're feeling more calm, more relaxed, more happy. I know even when I'm just thinking about some of my safe places or memories, I feel a sense of joy just bubbling up within me. Like I have more access to just settling in and a smile lights up my face. Those are some real simple ones that you can begin to do to accumulate this sense of feeling at home within yourself. And another real quick one is, is Strength and accomplishment journal. And this is just simply listing what you're skilled at, what you've survived, and what you're proud of. This can be your go-to resource when self-doubt creeps in and it does. Building emotional safety is about creating a foundation where you and your partner can navigate life's inevitable challenges together, and that requires both people taking re responsibility for their side of the fence. So my friends, this was a short one, but the takeaway here is. Emotional safety is about how you feel in a relationship, not just what someone says. If your partner consistently shows up, listens and makes an effort, congrats, you're in a pretty solid place. And if you're doing the same for yourself, amazing. This is how you can hold space for yourself and for other people. And if not, don't ignore that gut feeling. You deserve relationships that feel like a warm hug, not an emotional obstacle course. And if you're currently working on building internal safety, know that it's possible. Small steps like tuning into safe memories or sensory experiences can make a world of difference in retraining your nervous system. So as always, thank you for hanging out today. And remind yourself you are worthy of safe, loving connections. Until next time, take care. As always, thank you so much for listening. Life is busy, so it means even more that you're carving out time in your day to be here. Listen, we've got so many great episodes coming up, so please make sure you subscribe to follow along on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. And for those of you who like to watch your podcasts, we are now uploading them to YouTube. And if you appreciate these episodes, please do us a favor and leave a rating or a review and share it with anyone you think could benefit. See you again next Wednesday.