Fearful–Avoidant Attachment: When Closeness Feels Unsafe (Healing Attachment Wounds Part - 1)

Healing Attachment Wounds – From Survival to Secure Connection (Part 1)

In this episode of The Daring Well Podcast, we begin a powerful four-part series on attachment styles and how early experiences shape the way we connect in relationships, leadership, and life.

Part one focuses on the Fearful–Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment Style—a pattern marked by a deep desire for intimacy paired with an equally strong fear of closeness. If you’ve ever felt torn between wanting connection and feeling overwhelmed or unsafe when it arrives, this episode is for you.

With compassion, psychoeducation, and nervous-system–informed insight, this episode invites you to move away from self-blame and toward self-understanding. You’ll learn how attachment wounds form, how they live in the body, and how to begin restoring safety in your mind, body, and spirit.

There is no shame in recognizing yourself here. Awareness is the first step toward healing—and you don’t have to rush the process.

✨ What You’ll Learn in This Episode

• What fearful–avoidant attachment is and how it develops
• Why closeness can feel both desired and dangerous
• How early emotional or physical neglect shapes attachment patterns
• The core beliefs that drive push–pull relationship dynamics
• How the nervous system responds to perceived relational threat
• Why oversharing, withdrawal, and shame cycles show up in adulthood
• Gentle, practical steps to begin creating emotional safety
• A guided grounding practice to invite safety back into your body

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🤍 Work With Me

At Daring Well, I support individuals and organizations through nervous system regulation, mindset coaching, and holistic wellness education.

Whether you’re looking for:

• 1:1 holistic wellness coaching
• A guest speaker for your group or event
• Mindset and stress management support for your organization

I’ve got you.

Website - www.daringwell.com

Email - info@daringwell.com

Transcript

00:00

Introduction

Welcome to The Daring Well Podcast with Rita Mercer. You ready to heal your attachment wounds? Lean in and get ready.

It's going to get deep, my dear. This episode, it's going to be part of a four-part series going through each attachment style. These different attachment styles, they show up in all different types of relationships.

So at work, with our friends, with family, with your partner, and even the relationship that you have with yourself. As we walk through each attachment style, I want you to pay attention to what feels true.

I want you to allow yourself to find ways to be open and be curious so that you can help to increase your awareness. And if you know better, you can do better, right? There's so much freedom in being true to you.

This episode, it's going to focus on the fearful avoidant attachment style, so again, each episode, we're going to go through different ones. But there's no shame. There's no shame if you find yourself in one of these attachment styles.

I just encourage you, just don't stay there. I encourage you to dare to heal, dare to grow, and dare to live deeper. All right, let's get into it.

Today, I hope that you walk away with learning to understand more about yourself. I hope that you understand why. Why you crave intimacy and closeness and relationships, like that's a human need.

But also, when you're craving those connections, you feel overwhelmed. You feel like you want to shut down in those moments. I hope that you walk away with new ways to learn to begin to restore safety in your mind, in your body, and in your spirit.

2:12

Origin of Attachment

So as we think about the origin story, so where does this fearful avoid an attachment style? Where does that come from?

So when you think about it, all the attachment styles, so all four that we're going to walk through, all of them are originating from in vitro.

And so, but this fearful avoid an attachment style, it looks like this push and pull pattern in relationships. So I'm pushing away and I'm trying to pull closer.

And as you listen, I hope that this episode can offer you grace and loving kindness by switching your mindset from what's wrong with you to what happened to you.

So letting that label of shame go, instead of like shaming yourself of like, what's wrong with me? Why did I do that? So not what's wrong, but what happened?

What happened to you? And this framework, it'll help to give you grace and loving kindness.

And it'll also help you to learn to lean into all those environments and the caregivers from your earlier formation of your identity, your earlier formation of development that shaped how you learned to cope, that shaped how you learned to relate to

others in the past and how you're doing that now in the present. Many times, the fearful avoidant attachment style, it was formed in unsafe or unpredictable environments. In these spaces, we learned that it wasn't safe to trust our caregiver.

We learned that our caregiver was just, was also, was two things, was a comfort and they was also could be a threat. And so we just didn't know we had to live in this dichotomy of these comfort versus threat.

And so what we learned living in those spaces, we learned to live in this emotional chaos of mixed signals, mixed signals that included also trauma. So emotional trauma, physical trauma, sexual trauma, and so what is what is trauma?

So let's unpack that for just a quick second. So trauma is our perception of loss of safety, loss of life, emotional safety, physical safety, like those things are what we perceive as trauma.

And so we learned to live in the emotional chaos of mixed signals, trauma, or neglect. So what is neglect? So neglect could look like emotional neglect.

So emotional neglect can look like your caregiver withholding their attention, their affection, their love. And it may show up in words. It may show up in tones.

It may show up in physical touch or the lack thereof. It may also look like physical neglect. So not having food.

And so maybe you had food, but maybe it was unhealthy food. It may look like clothes. It may look like not having adequate shelter.

And so all these different ways of living in this economy of like not having your basic needs met, your nervous system learned that connection with your caregiver and those type of relate, in any relationship, that looks like danger.

That looks like it doesn't feel safe to connect. And so your nervous system feels that and it encodes it. And you start to take that same encoding into future other relationships.

5:49

Beliefs and Body Responses

The core belief that happens in fearful avoidant attachment styles, and honestly with all attachment styles, it develops from unmet needs that start as early as in vitro. So in vitro, that's like when you're in your mother's womb.

And we all learn from an early age that we need to find a way to meet our own needs, especially if our caregiver can't meet those needs for us. And what we do is we learn to adapt.

We learn to create these belief systems, to some way try to make sense of our world, our reality. And then what we do is we rubber-stamp it and apply that to every future relationship.

And so we develop this core internal struggle of wanting connection with others, but at the same time, I fear the same connection that I'm craving. And so it's wild. I want connection with others, but also I'm so fearful.

So that's the fearful overweight. And so some of the core beliefs, let's walk through some of these for a quick moment. So core beliefs about self, that looks like something's wrong with me.

It looks like my needs are not important, or I feel ashamed to ask for my needs, or I can't trust my needs. I can't trust my instincts. The core belief about others, it may look like the people that I need, I'm so fearful that they can hurt me.

So I keep them at arm's length. Some of the other core beliefs about others, it may look like love is not predictable. I can't trust love.

I'm fearful to fall in love. It could also look like closeness. It's going to just lead to pain.

Again, so that's why I just keep people at arm's length. Core beliefs about relationships, we also learn that connection feels unsafe.

Again, this dichotomy of I want safety, I want intimacy, but it also overwhelms me, or I'm so scared that it's going to harm me.

The fearful avoidant attachment style will make someone have this underlying survival belief that staying guarded is going to keep me safe.

So they put up these walls with the hope that they're going to stay emotionally safe, because they're keeping people at a distance. So now let's take a moment to think about what it feels like in our mind emotionally, and in our body somatically.

So when we think about this fearful avoidant attachment style, these little highlights that I'm going to give you, these are not all encompassing, but they're just like high-level ways to help you to tune into what feels true to you when you think

about is this something that I do. So primary emotions look like fear, looks like shame, looks like confusion.

The logic that, hey, I can just override fear, that's not true when you think about this fearful avoidant attachment style because fear is so hard wired into us for survival sake, it just simply bypasses our cognitive function in our brain.

Sometimes we're like, I just get so fearful, I just shut down. One, you don't have to have shame about that because that's biologically what our body is wired to do to keep us safe. And some of the ways that shows up in our body is this freeze.

I'm sure you've heard of this fight, flight, freeze or fawn. And so this freeze response is that I just, again, I freeze, I shut down, I shut down in my thoughts, I shut down in my body, my motor action, I dissociate.

So dissociating means to just check out. So checking out of time, place, checking out of relationships, checking out of a conversation, like a just check out, check out of our body.

And sometimes with the body, it can also feel like a tightness in our chest, a tightness in our throat. Maybe your stomach may feel like it's all in knots. And so these are some different ways that you can start to tune into your body.

10:15

Adult Relationship Impact

So how does the Fearful Avoidant Attachment style show up in adult relationships? Well, I'm glad that you asked. The truth is, it's hard to trust.

It's hard to trust and be open when you don't feel safe, emotionally or physically.

And many times we'll just create these stories or these stories of threats about things that are many times just not true because we've had again these past experiences where it has been true.

And so we just again rubber-stamp those and take it into our current relationships in an effort just to some way make sense out of the confusion that we feel, this inner turmoil that we feel within our mind, within our relationships.

And the Fearful Avoidant Attachment style, it may show up as, especially in adult relationships, it may show up as this intense longing, but also this sudden pulling away, this sudden withdrawal. So again, this push, this pull type of engagement.

Again, this could show up at work. This could show up in friendships and family. This can show up in just how you try to connect with others.

And many people find themselves self-sabotaging in these relationships. Self-sabotage in friendships, again, in relationships at work, with their career. And so notice, when do you do that?

Are you self-sabotaging? And then checking in with yourself. And then after all of that, feeling this intense feeling of shame after you were being vulnerable.

So I try to be open. I try to be vulnerable. But many times the shame messages, they come from being vulnerable with people and in spaces that it wasn't safe to do that.

So, for example, are you that co-worker or do you know a co-worker that over shares? Like, way too much information. Like, I don't know you like that.

We are just co-workers. Or have you been hanging out with a new friend or even on a date and they start to tell you their whole life? So, this may not be you.

Maybe this is a friend that you know, but they are over sharing and telling you their whole life story and they barely know you. Suddenly you feel like you're a therapist or suddenly you feel like you're wanting them to be your therapist.

One, that's unhealthy and then two, like how do we do it better? How do we do it better so that we're not stuck in this cycle of shame because we shared in unhealthy, unsafe spaces?

Again, no shame, but I want you just to notice so you can have more opportunities to increase your awareness of what's not healthy so you can learn, so you can unlearn some of these unhealthy habits.

13:28

Pathways to Healing

Now that we've unpacked some of these different pieces of the fearful avoidant attachment style, let's think about how do we heal.

For this attachment style, it's important to give yourself grace and loving kindness because these relationship patterns, again, it's not what's wrong with you or what's wrong with me or why does this happen, but it's like what happened to me?

So give yourself grace that these things happened so long ago, way back in your childhood, but in the future, I want to encourage you to read the room. So are you oversharing at work when it's totally not appropriate?

Are you oversharing in a new relationship, a new friendship, a new dating relationship? I want you to seek out ways to be safe before being vulnerable. Don't let this false intimacy allow you to lower your need for emotional and physical safety.

So much so that you take down your guard, you lower your boundaries, you throw your boundaries way out the window, you lower your self-worth, then again, you're back into the shame cycle because I did it again, I did it again.

I want you to give yourself permission to allow yourself to trust, to build trust slowly. Don't rush it. Dr.

Brene Brown, she calls it trying to hotwire a connection. So thinking about a car and it's broke down and you get out the jumper cables and you're trying to hotwire a connection, you kind of jump start it. It works, but it only works temporarily.

And so many times we were trauma bonded over all these things that they over share just to quickly get to know someone, to build this connection. But true connection, true healthy relationships are built over time.

And so you make it this immediate rush of dopamine when you're trying to hotwire a connection, but it doesn't last because it wasn't built on a solid foundation of safety and trust.

It takes time, it takes consistency to heal and repair all these old wounds, to repair all the belief systems that was built back in the day, and all the ways your nervous system learned to respond. It takes time to learn to unlearn all those things.

It takes time to detach all of those things from your body, your spirit, your mind. So slow and steady, just like the turtle, slow and steady wins the race.

At Daring Well, I work with individuals and organizations across the world by teaching them ways to notice what's going on in their mind and their body.

And also ways to calm and to reset their nervous system with coping skills and mindset strategies. So if you're a leader wanting to bring mindset and stress management to your corporate space, I got you.

If you're looking to bring in a guest to your small group or to your event, I got you. If you're looking for one-on-one coaching, I got you.

You can connect with me at daringwell.com or you can email me at info at daringwell.com to get started and I can create a customized plan that's individualized for you or for your organization to best support you with wellness and mindset goals.

I have over 10 years of experience in helping people find freedom in their mind, their body, and their spirit. I love the work that I get to do. Just let me know when you're ready and I got you.

Until then, I do hope that each episode of The Daring Well Podcast gives you so many new tools and encouragement to dare to live, dare to love, and to dare to lead well.

17:27

Meditation and Reflection

So as we wrap up today, I just want to walk you through a brief guided meditation to invite in more safety with your hand over your heart, so hand over heart, so that connection to self, connection to this present time, connection to this space, and

also to ground yourself with your breath. So let's take a deep breath in and then out. Beautiful. And then let's just notice these words and allow those words to settle into your spirit, settle into your heart, regulate your nervous system.

Right now, I am safe. I am safe. I can let go of fear.

I let go of shame. I let go of confusion. I am in control.

I don't have to rush. I can go slow at my pace. I can trust myself to meet my needs.

I want healthy relationships. I crave healthy relationships. I honor myself with love.

I show myself love with healthy boundaries. I can learn to trust others and still be safe. I am safe.

I am safe. And all is well. So take a deep breath in, just to reset.

So deep breath in. And then out. Beautiful.

Good job. And as you take another deep breath, I want you to let go with your out breath. Let go of the fear.

Release the shame. Let go of the confusion. So take a deep breath in.

Out. Beautiful, beautiful. I do have a couple of reflection questions that I wanted to help you to just continue to dig deeper after this episode, if you want to get your pen out and journal.

So a couple of reflection questions. I want you to tune into your body. When you feel this intense shame or fear or confusion, where do you feel it in your body?

Where do you feel it when you feel unsafe? And another reflection question I have for you is what word, what object, what thought or space helps you to feel more grounded and open to connection.

So what word, what object, what thought or space helps you to feel more grounded and open to connection? All right. That's all for today's episode.

Wishing you a beautiful day, my dear. Until next time, keep living, keep loving, and keep daring well. Take care, my dear.

God bless. Thank you so much for joining me on today's episode of The Daring Well Podcast.

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Thank you again for being part of The Daring Well Podcast community. Together, let's dare to live well in mind, body, and spirit.