You Don’t Have to Hold It All Together: Go Beyond Survival Mode

Have you ever felt like you’re holding it all together on the outside… but quietly falling apart on the inside?

In this powerful and honest conversation, Rita sits down with therapist and author Cherise Small to unpack what it really means to “perform strength.” Together, they explore how survival mode, people-pleasing, and silent suffering can disconnect us from our true selves—and how to begin the journey back to alignment.

Cherise shares her personal turning point, practical tools for recognizing survival patterns, and how to set boundaries without guilt. This episode is a must-listen for anyone ready to stop over-functioning, release emotional burdens, and reclaim their voice.

You’ll walk away with empowering mindset shifts, reflection questions, and actionable strategies to help you move from surviving to truly living.

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What You’ll Learn

• How to recognize when you’re stuck in survival mode
• Why “performing strength” can lead to emotional disconnection
• The truth about guilt, shame, and boundary-setting
• What healthy boundaries actually look like in real life
• Simple ways to pause, reset, and reconnect with yourself
• How to shift from obligation to alignment

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Connect with Cherise Small

Website: www.release2heal.com

Instagram: www.instagram.com/therapywithcherise

Book Waitlist: www.release2heal.com/book-waitlist

Transcript

00:00

Introduction

Welcome to The Daring Well Podcast with Rita Mercer.

Where am I surviving instead of living? In what areas of my life? Is it at work?

Is it at home? And with that information, they're not easy questions, right? But there's things to get us thinking.

Hello, my dear.

Welcome back to The Daring Well Podcast. Have you ever found yourself performing strength on the outside, but quietly, internally feeling disconnected? Well, my guest today is Cherise Small.

She's here to help us explore how to break that pattern and to reconnect with our true selves. Cherise, she's a licensed therapist.

She's the founder of the Healing Point Therapy and Wellness Center, and she's also the author of an upcoming book, You've Been Holding It Together.

Cherise's work centers around emotional truth-telling, boundaries, and what it truly takes to stop performing strength and living in alignment.

I'm excited for Cherise to share more how we can learn to overcome performing strength on the outside while feeling internally disconnected and to learn how to have healthy boundaries. So again, thank you so much for joining The Daring Well Podcast.

Welcome again, Cherise.

Thank you so much. I'm really excited to be here. Thank you for having me.

Yay.

Before we jump into today's conversation, tell listeners about when your book is going to be released and how they can join the waitlist. And I guess we'll talk also more about that at the end.

Yes, absolutely. So You've Been Holding Together will release in May of 2026. Currently, we have our waitlist that's open.

And pre-orders will open on March 20th. So you can sign up on the waitlist at www.releasetohill.com book waitlist.

Sweet. Release to Hill. Oh, that's powerful.

Yes.

Yes.

So as we jump into today's conversation, I'd love for you to share more about like for your story.

What was that like when you noticed that you were being strong for everyone else at work, with your family, with your friends, and all that pressure like when it started to catch up with you, what was that point that you noticed that like this isn't

Yeah.

So there was a point in my life where on the outside, everything looked great on paper, right? So I had moved to a new apartment, I was newly engaged, my son was growing, super healthy. I had just graduated with my master's degree.

At that time, I still felt really disconnected from myself. I think that that shift happened, I'll never forget. I was in the kitchen one day, and I started to feel heaviness in my chest.

Then I looked around and I felt like everything was shrinking. It wasn't like a huge dramatic incident that took place.

It was in that moment that I realized I was holding a lot in, and wasn't being truly honest with myself and what I needed at that time. But although everything on the outside looked amazing, it looked perfect, it looked great.

That was that breaking point, and that was when I realized that I needed to do things differently for myself. And I had to first become honest, and then that's everything else followed.

Wow, wow. I think that's the part that's hard for a lot of people is to be honest with ourselves that we're doing too much. We're doing too much.

Yeah, yeah. And I wonder why, like we, I think it's definitely a lot with women, but I know guys also struggle with that too. But I have to be strong on the outside.

Yeah, yeah.

And I think it's tough is because, you know, we start to act, it's difficult, right? Like we have to confront those really difficult feelings.

And I think if we've been operating in a way where we're in that survival or constant performing, it's hard to kind of break that, right? Like how do I really sit and listen to myself, right? And ask myself, what is it that I need?

And then that's when we can move forward to add on other things that can then support us.

That's good. That's good. You've talked about survival mode, so I guess let's lean into that.

So you think about survival mode, what does that look like? And how do people have that awareness?

Okay, because I think sometimes we're going and going and going, and we don't realize, hey, I've been living in survival mode for a year, for five years, and it's really wearing on me. Like, how do people notice that?

So you talked about the somatic things you noticed in your body. So how do people pay attention to that?

Yeah, absolutely. I think there are signs and there are signals. And then there are shifts, too.

We will notice the shift in our identity, in a sense as well, when we notice that we've been living in survival for quite some time on top of those somatic things.

And I think the main way to realize if you're in been operating in survival for so long, is when you feel like you're never really able to show up for yourself. Right?

And what I mean by show up for yourself is maybe you're always a dependable one, the go-to person, you're the steady person. But it's like, when do you have the time to go to someone else?

So I think that's when we really were able to ask ourselves some of those difficult questions and then get honest, and we were able to then create those boundaries and other things that support us.

And I think another way that we can realize if we're in survival is, how are we making decisions? A lot of the times we're in survival, we're making decisions based on obligation and not really alignment. So we're doing more about that obligation.

Obligation, like I got to do it. I have to because it's for the kids.

Those are key words. I have to, I got to.

But deep down inside, we know that it's not in alignment with us. We are operating in a sense of survival, and we're not being honest with ourselves based off on what we need.

So there's some of the ways that I think you can identify and then get the support that you need.

Yeah, those are some key words. I have to, I got to, I should. At work, with family, everyone's.

It shows up.

It shows up deeply.

That's good.

That's good.

6:46

Strength and Boundaries

So when you think about mindset shifts, so one of the quotes I love that you said, you teach that strength is not measured by how much you carry in silence.

So what does that mean? How much you carry in silence.

Yeah. So I believe that we all carry something, a little bit of everything, right? Sometimes it is in silence.

I think the world today is like, oh, you're so strong. You're resilient. We put gold medals on those words.

I'm tired of being strong.

I'm with you.

Okay. I'm okay with not being strong today, and maybe tomorrow I get a little bit better.

Right?

So I think moving from understanding that you don't have to, it's so much power in not being silent, right? So when we are struggling or we are dealing with things that are heavy, then you don't have to do that alone.

Operating in silence really isolates us. It doesn't support us. I really think strength is when we are able to release that and tap into other people and we are no longer silent.

We are actually getting what we need. We are being honest. We are using our voice.

We are speaking our truth. That's true strength. That's really the strength.

Dang, Cherise.

That's true. That's true. What about when it comes with I have to do it, but then also, and I try to do it, but then I feel this intense guilt.

What do you do with the guilt when you're trying to show up for you and be strong for you? You're strong for everybody else, but I'm trying to be strong for me, but now it's hard for me to set that boundary.

Because again, this shoulds are so loud, so I feel guilty when I don't do it. I feel guilty when I do do it. I feel guilty when I don't.

Yeah.

The guilt is real, right? I think it's important to acknowledge that feeling of guilt. It's going to be there because we've been operating this way for quite some time.

But the fact that Rita is asking that question for herself, that says a lot, that's information there.

Then when we start to shift from always doing and managing and just doing all these things for other people, when we take the time to set the boundary, and I think it goes into redefining what a boundary is too because a lot of the time-

Can you explain what a boundary is?

Yes. We feel guilty with the boundary because it's like, oh, I'm just saying no is a hard no, maybe I'm being mean or I'm being harsh. This is my role.

I'm supposed to do these things. But a boundary is just a guideline. It is a limit that's set to protect your energy, your values, and your well-being.

I think when you look at it in that way, it's healthy. Not the word boundary can sell hard. I'm not able to support people within that.

But when you look at a boundary you define in that way, you're then able to move away from, I can't do it, to what works for me, what's in alignment for me, and maybe I can still support the people that I love.

It may look a little bit differently, right?

And that's okay.

And that is okay. Allowing yourself to lean into that it is okay. That this boundary not only protects myself, but it helps support the relationship that I'm in.

It may help support my job. It may help support my kids. And then that's when you're giving yourself permission to not continue to just do and actually exist in your life.

And that's really how helpful boundaries can be. Wow. Wow.

That's good.

That's good to letting go of the guilt. What about shame? So they kind of feel like those are sisters, guilt and shame.

How does one increase their awareness around shame? I guess guilt too, but like how do they increase their awareness?

I think we've talked a lot about that today, but just when they're doing this performing, how do they call themselves out when they're performing?

Yeah. So I think shame and the guilt, it will be there. I think the first step is curiosity.

The reason why I'm seeing curiosity is because that's when you get to ask yourself those questions. So instead of being so hard on yourself and saying, why am I like this? You start to ask a different question.

When did I begin protecting myself with this, with the survival, with the performance? So when we shift the question, we're really able to get deeper into what is it that we need? When did survival or performance become my shield?

That's when we can really do some deep inner work. Because performance keeps us safe, and maybe it helped you belong in a relationship, or maybe it avoided conflict at the job, or whatever it did.

But it's no longer serving you, it's not in alignment anymore. So we want to stop attacking ourselves, and then we can move into more of a strategy on how to support ourselves.

Performance keeps us safe.

It does. It keeps us safe at that moment. But as we grow, it's no longer in alignment.

Yeah.

So at a point, it did have a purpose. It did.

Absolutely.

We don't have to shame and guilt ourselves and keep doing the unhealthy things. When at that moment, at that moment, that was the best that we knew to do, to keep ourselves safe at our job, to keep the relationship safe, what we thought. Yeah.

Yeah.

Protection, my shield.

That's deep. That's deep. So noticing that.

Yeah.

Noticing that is the first step. Then that's when we can move into some of those other ways to support ourselves. I think that's the doors to move out of that.

That helps you a lot.

What would be some good ways? We're both therapists, so we're definitely going to support people going to therapy. But what are some other ways people can support themselves?

I always tell clients there's so much power in a pause.

How do we truly pause? A lot of the times we're multitasking, we're scrolling, we're doing this, we're doing that, but are we really in the moment for ourselves? So one, finding ways to pause.

What does your pause look like? Is that outside in nature? Is that on your couch with your cozy blanket, and just really taking a moment to exhale?

So one, taking that step to pause, then we can move into stress management techniques that can be helpful. Really just finding out ways and relearning what restores you. And that can range from so many different things.

But I'm a big believer in taking a moment to be in nature. Stress management techniques, deep breathing techniques, music, just really ways to help support you.

That's good. That's good. Power in the pause.

I like that.

There's so much power in the pause, a real pause. Not the, you know, I'm going to do this and do this, but I'm not doing too much or multitasking. I really want to take time to stop and slow down for a second.

And that's when we can really collect information about what it is that we want and what we need, and how do we then come back into alignment with ourselves.

Yeah, and I like you said, too, being curious, but I think about like the many people that I connect with and they're like, I don't have time to pause. I don't have time. And I'm just like, you get the same 24 hours that we all do.

You are not no different than Mother Teresa, or the next person doing this big and bad thing. Like it's all you. You have to choose that pause.

Absolutely.

You have to decide. You have to make the decision. And the pause doesn't have to be for an hour.

I always tell my clients and also myself, I can take a pause for five minutes. I can take a two-minute second for myself to pause. It's the intention that's there.

It's not about the length or the time frame or where you're doing it. It's about really the decision like you just said.

That sounds like freedom. It's the decision. I can choose two minutes or I can choose five minutes.

I can choose how much I need.

I can choose a little time for that first if I need to.

Yeah. Some days I'm like, I got to tap out for a whole day to restore myself.

Yeah. So much power in it.

Yeah. So using that moment to just pause and just notice, what do you need? Being curious, getting quiet with yourself.

I love nature too. That is the best way I can restore myself. But also I tell clients when there's times that you can't even get outdoors because maybe you don't want to be out in the snow, you don't want to put on five layers to get out.

You can also get that same, not to the same extent, you can also get some of the same benefits by just watching and looking at images. So your brain pays attention to that information.

So watching the, maybe your vibe is in nature is the beach, maybe your vibe in nature is the trees and the mountains. Watching that and looking at those images on TV, on YouTube, that's a great way to restore. So there's no excuses.

Yeah, absolutely.

It could be lighting your favorite candle, right?

And you know, that's what I got going on right here.

I do too, I do too. You know, tap into those things. Maybe it's cooking your favorite food and really taking the time and being mindful when you eat that meal.

Oh, I can really taste the flavors. There's so many ways to create those silent moments and pause for ourselves. We just got to explore and see what those things are.

Yeah.

Thank you for sharing some different ideas of how to create space. That was awesome. That was going to be the wrap up pieces to ask you.

And actually, I feel like we still have so much more time. So I guess let me jump back to boundaries then.

Yeah.

17:33

Setting Boundaries

So let's talk about boundaries for a moment.

When you think about boundaries and being honest with yourself. And I guess, so we've already broken down like what it is. What are some ways, so I think of communication boundaries, I think of physical boundaries.

So I guess let's start with maybe a work setting. So what are some ideas for boundary setting? When we're being strong for others, but not strong for ourselves, what's a healthy boundary idea that we can use at work?

Yeah.

So I mean, depending on what's happening at work, maybe there's a situation where you are dealing with co-workers and you're navigating relationships. That's a big one. So many different personalities in a workspace.

So maybe there's boundaries around what you share, what you don't share. Maybe I don't share too much of my personal relationships at work.

But on a surface level, I'm okay to communicate with my co-workers that keeps a clear boundary on communication and your privacy and what feels good.

But also, let's move into a big one where maybe someone's constantly coming to you for support, and additional tasks is building up on your desk. How do we create a boundary and say, hey, I'm kept for the week?

Is there a way to get additional support? I think that's where coming in and utilizing your voice, and asking for what it is that you need, not being afraid to set that boundary because-

Fear is real.

Yeah. If you have 10 things to do, it's not likely that it's going to get done good. And if you're not receiving the support that you need, so really asking yourself again, it goes back to honesty.

What do I truly need? Am I just taking on these tasks just so I can look good, just to get that promotion? Or do I need support?

At what cost?

Why?

There we go. It's always a cost on the other side. And I think when we look at it in that way, we're then able to step in and say, I can or I cannot, I need support or I don't need support, and I can take it on.

And it's freeing when you're able to set those boundaries, especially in the workplace.

Yeah. What about with your friends, with your girlfriends, and they're like, hey, I need you to do this, and you're always the one that's. So a few episodes back, I talked about the roles we play, being the fixer, being the helper, being the rescuer.

So what about in those roles that we're jumping into with our friends, or I guess with our family? I guess maybe think about the friends. So I think that feels different, especially when I think about family.

So what about friends when you need to set that boundary? What's a good, healthy way to do that? Instead of just saying no, when you feel like, oh, I don't want to be mean.

Absolutely, and a lot of the times it was so interesting.

I know it's in there for sure in my circle of answers and response. But a lot of the times, it's really just talking to them and letting them know where you are at the moment.

So if I have a friend that's constantly going through things, and maybe they dump a lot onto you, you're taking in all of those things. I think it's important for you to check in with yourself.

Prior to going deeper into that conversation, maybe let your friend know, say, hey, maybe we can discuss this at a later date. I'm really trying to focus here.

There's so many different ways that we can express ourselves to the people that care about us and love us. Because a lot of times, they don't know. They're just doing what they believe that needs to be done.

They're just venting or they're just dumping onto you. So I think going into it with that, again, going back to an honest conversation and communication with them.

Then also on the other side is sometimes those friends are receptive and they understand and you have your own boundaries, where maybe I may not answer this phone call at this very moment. I'm really overwhelmed.

I'll give her a call back on Sunday when I have a little bit free time, and I can tap into that. So allowing yourself to set the tone for those friendships or family members, it's really important there.

So I think it's how we frame the communication with the individuals.

Yeah, yeah. I love about the idea about, I don't have to respond to this call right now. I can call them back later.

So giving yourself space to be emotionally available.

Absolutely.

Yeah. So what about family? I feel like that one's hard.

Yeah, around holidays. I feel like that's one that people are always like these expectations. I feel like around the summertime, people are just like, it's expected that we get together for this barbecue.

I don't really want to hang out with this family member. So how do you set the boundaries for yourself? It's probably still the same way that you've already shared, but give listeners some ideas about what they can say or what they can do.

To protect their energy for boundaries during the summertime. Well, actually, during any time of the year, not just during the summer.

It's common when there's family gatherings, right? So you may know at a family gathering that they may have a boundary on the time limit that you're there, right? That's important to listen to yourself.

Hey, I'm going to stay for an hour and a half.

So say that upfront.

You can say that to yourself. This is about to be the same with yourself. You're going to say, hey, OK, I'm going to mix and mingle with everybody to that extent, if that's safe for you to do, right?

And then you say, all right, my time here is an hour and a half. I'm going to go. Because after a while, we know, right?

If we understand what's happening or in those settings, then we have some information here. We can then set maybe a time frame, right?

Or if there's where you are going to stay with your family and have conversations, maybe there's topics that you just won't discuss. Hey, that's a little bit personal.

Like maybe a single person's like, hey, when are you having kids? And you're like, I'm still single. Or when are you getting married?

And you're like, we're not married. We're just enjoying dating. And so those questions, how should somebody navigate those questions where they're invading their personal space, their privacy?

Yeah.

And I think that's important. I think that's when we say, you know, I prefer not to discuss that right now, right? Or everything's fine in that area.

I'll let you guys know if anything changes, right? You know, or I don't want to say be avoided and don't answer the question. It really depends on how you feel because some topics are very touchy.

I think that's important to understand as well. But definitely advocating for yourself to say if you want to have that conversation or not, and then implement that boundary of, okay, is it time for me to exit? Right?

If someone's very pushy, how uncomfortable am I feeling? Is it time for me to kind of take a break and step back? Maybe I go talk to my cousin over here, right?

You know, or find a safe space there with the people that respect those boundaries. So I think it's really about that communication piece and allowing yourself to stand in your honesty and create those boundaries. And they're not to keep people out.

They're just to guide you. I think it's so important. They're just so you can show up as your best self.

So that's really what a good boundary would do. And most people that care about you, they are respected.

Yeah. So boundaries are not to keep people out, but it's to guide you. Absolutely.

That's good.

They're just guidelines for you. That's it. It's not to block them out.

It's not to just say no or never. It's just to say, not right now, I'll let you know when, when it aligns with me. And it all goes back to their honesty and is it in alignment with what I want to discuss today or how I feel today, right?

That's good.

That's good, Cherise. So as we start to wrap up, what are some, you've given honestly tons of practical ways and advice and ideas.

But what are some either words of wisdom, what are some mindset strategies, what are some things that you want listeners to take away as far as ways to redefine their identity around this whole, I have to be strong on the outside.

Yeah, what are some ideas or words of wisdom that you have for listeners?

26:10

Three Key Questions

There's three questions I always have.

Some of my clients ask, they ask themselves or I ask myself. The three questions, they're not meant to be answered directly all the time, but they're just things to think about and have in the back of your mind.

The first question is, is the way that I'm living true to who I am right now? Okay, that's how we can really ask questions. Then the next question, number two is, am I constantly doing but really being?

Am I actually being today? A lot of the times we're humans doing all the things, but we're not in that being moment. So that's the kind of ground you're there.

Then the last question is, where am I surviving instead of living? In what areas of my life? Is it at work?

Is it at home? With that information, they're not easy questions, but there's things that get us thinking. The moment that you're able to see that, you won't unsee it.

You'll notice it. You'll be like, wow, okay, surviving here. Then you can then support yourself with some of the things we talked about today and get an additional support because I want to stress it.

I can't stress it enough that in order for you to be aligned in life and remove the performance, it requires honesty. It always will lead back to honesty and those questions will help you there.

Yeah, those questions have to get real deep, real honest.

Yeah, they'll take you there.

Then we talked about fear earlier and fear, don't let that hold you back. Don't let guilt hold you back. Don't let shame hold you back.

Don't let anything hold you back from from truly being your free and true self and yeah. Wow, Cherise. Yeah.

Say those questions again. Those are powerful.

Absolutely. So the first question is, is the way that I'm living true to who I am today? Am I constantly doing but rarely being?

Where am I surviving instead of living?

That gets deep. That's powerful. That's powerful.

I hope the listeners take that as an opportunity just to get true with themselves as they want to grow personally in healthy relationships. When you know better, you do better. Don't keep doing the same unhealthy things.

We understand that you did what you needed to do in the past because that was protection, that was safety, but don't keep doing these unhealthy things because keep doing it is very unhealthy. But I love that.

I love those ways to be true, be honest, be free. Be free personally, be free professionally, so you can truly grow as you're called to be. That's awesome.

That's awesome.

Well, Cherise, it's been an honor just listening and hearing, and understanding ways to grow deeper, ways to stop pretending, ways to stop pretending stress, strength, but also showing up with true strength.

What are ways that people can, that you best serve them? What are ways that, again, talk more about the book? What is the book about?

Share more about the book and ways you best serve, and ways they can best connect with you.

Yes. You've been holding it together. We go a little bit deeper into the aspect.

It's really reflective and it's a journey. It's not just my story, but it's different client stories. It all ties back to how do we then first get honest with ourselves, identify, and then truly move into a life where we can truly feel and exist in.

So we're creating a space for you to be honest and open, but also create a life that you don't feel like you need a vacation from. But you can create that bliss every day for yourself. We go a lot deeper into that.

I'm super excited to share it with everyone. I think it will support so many people, and the best way to interact with me, I'm on Instagram a lot, and that's Therapy with Cherise.

Also, my website, I have tons of resources, a mental health resources as well. So when you join the book waitlist, you'll also receive some of these reflective questions, affirmations that I think can help support you as well.

Awesome. Lots of great resources, lots of great ways for people to connect with you. That's awesome.

I'm excited to hear about the book. I think those are great ways to grow personally and professionally. Great ways.

It also sounds like taking little steps, because I think sometimes we want to see that growth, but that feels like such a big gigantic step. The way it sounds like you've organized the book is like really incremental ways to grow.

Yes, we walk you through that. There is reflective questions at the end of each chapter. There is support throughout the book as we're navigating this process.

You're not left alone. You're left here to work actually through it.

That's beautiful. So a lot of support. A lot of support.

That's awesome.

Well, I'm excited for less listeners to get the book.

So you said it releases in May and it's pre-order in March.

Pre-order in March. Yes. Pre-orders will open March 20th.

Yay.

Yay. All right, wellness friends, that's all for today. Thank you so much for stopping by The Daring Well Podcast.

Don't forget to like, share, and subscribe wherever you hear this episode. Wishing you a fabulous day, my dear. Until next time, keep living, keep loving, and keep daring well.

Take care, guys. God bless. Thank you so much for joining me on today's episode of The Daring Well Podcast.

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