Her Next Chapters

109. She Left a 17-Year Teaching Career to Find Herself — Here's What She Found | with Alyssa Smith

• Christina Kohl

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What happens when grief, divorce, and a career crossroads all arrive at once? For parenting coach Alyssa Smith, they arrived together in 2022 — and changed everything.

After 17 years in the classroom, Alyssa walked away from teaching, moved back to the States from South Korea, and spent six months coming home to herself. What she found on the other side was a completely new chapter — and a calling to help parents raise confident, compassionate kids while growing into their own next version.

In this conversation, Christina and Alyssa dig into identity shifts, growing out loud alongside our kids, the power of high warmth and high expectations, and why the next brave step — however imperfect — is always the right one.

Resources mentioned in this episode:

Navigating your own career pivot? Christina's Interview Strategy Sessions help you clarify your story and walk into your next interview with confidence. → [LINK]
 
 

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Welcome And Guest Introduction

Christina Kohl

Hi, and welcome to Her Next Chapters Podcast. I'm your host, Christina Kohl. I'm a mom of three and soon to be an empty nester. I'm also a certified HR pro who restarted my career after being a stay-at-home mom for over a decade. I created this podcast to connect with moms who have an empty nest on the horizon and are wanting to redefine their identity outside of motherhood, which might include adopt search. On this show, we'll have raw conversations about our ever-changing roles with moms. We'll hear from women who restarted their careers, and share tips for adopt search after a career break. So if that's you, you're in the right place, friend. Let's get started. Okay, you guys, I am really excited about this conversation you're about to listen to today. I'm being joined by Alyssa Smith. She is a parenting coach, a longtime educator, and someone who talks so beautifully about growth, identity, and raising confident, compassionate kids. But here's what I love about this conversation. It's not just about parenting. It's about who we are becoming alongside our kids. Alyssa and I talk about pivots, we talk about identity shifts, we talk about modeling courage, and we talk about what it means to grow out loud. And whether you're parenting elementary schoolers, teenagers, or young adults, or honestly just navigating your own next chapter, this conversation will resonate. All right, let's dive in. Hi everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Her Next Chapters. I am so excited that we have a special guest with us today. Alyssa Smith is joining us. And Alyssa is a parenting coach and a longtime educator who helps families raise confident, compassionate kids and actually enjoy parenting again. Drawing upon 17 years in the classroom with degrees in psychology and training in positive parenting and coaching, she blends research and real life to help parents move from power struggles to partnership. Her approach centers on high warmth, high expectations, and the belief that when we grow out loud beside our kids, we teach we teach them courage, compassion, and confidence that lasts. Alyssa, I'm so excited to have you here with us. Thank you for joining.

Alyssa Smith

It's an honor to be here, Christina. Thanks for having me.

Christina Kohl

Absolutely. And I know um on the on the show we talk a lot about empty nesting, but before the empty nest, we have these middle years, which is what you are parenting and what you how you coach people. And a lot of times, yeah, we might have a kid go off to college, but they've got two siblings who are still at home navigating everything. And I will say from from following you in social media and and and knowing you, a lot of the things that you teach that are yes, they're for the middle years, they're relevant across all the years of parenting.

The First Big Pivot: Moving To Korea

Alyssa Smith

So I really appreciate you coming here and sharing your wisdom. Uh, I'm, you know, it's still learning every day from our children, right? Humble student of my own little humans, right? Um, but I it it really um, I don't know, it brings me joy to hear that you can find relevance and other folks who follow me find relevance throughout the years. I do hear that a lot. So celebrating that and the, you know, the meaning making and the learning we do together, right?

Christina Kohl

So, what I'd love to start off with in our conversation is talking about your career journey. I guess from the beginning, your evolution to how you became a parent coach, because I think you have a really interesting story and there's a lot of significant career pivots along the way. And I love to share career pivots with people because it just kind of shows what's possible. So if you can kind of um let's back up and talk about the beginnings of your career path.

Teaching Abroad And Family Priorities

Alyssa Smith

Ah, sure. I'd love that. And um, ooh, I mean, I've had a few pivots, as you've said. So yeah, I started um, I started teaching it here in America, here in the States, uh, elementary school teaching, loved it, loved getting into the team leadership role, loved having a co-teacher, so much learning, right? And I got to the point where I realized I wanted to have a child and it worked. And then I wanted a second child. But having married another educator um living in Greenwich, Connecticut, we were struggling to pay our bills, honestly. And I went to my boss and I said, What can you do for me? And they said, Hey, you're you're actually topping out soon with what we are we're able to give. And I was like, Okay, so then we'll go further. And they're like, not sure that we can do that. But something crazy you could try is going overseas. And I had no idea, but I had no idea that would be the conversation I'd have. But I left and I thought about it and I spoke with my husband at the time. We are now divorced, but we he's he's from another country. And together we we thought, why not? Why not give it a shot? If moving to another country is gonna allow us to do what we know is right for us, let's go for something big. Let's go for a big pivot. So um, we ended up moving to Korea and we stayed there for five years. Yeah. Wow, not expected. That's a life pivot, not just a career pivot. Right? Yeah, that was unexpected. Um, but what it did was it allowed me that first pivot for me was the opportunity to go, what is most important right now for me? And at that moment in my life, looking at my then two-year-old daughter and going, gosh, I really, really would like her to have a sibling. And then looking at this career that I had built for a long time, I was so proud of. But then when I put them side by side, at that point in my life, wanting my family to be able to grow took priority for the first time in my, you know what I mean? In my life. So that was my first pivot. Okay, moving to Korea. And I got a year off. I got to stay home with that second child, which is not what I had to, what I the opportunity I had in America. Right, right. Um so that was the first pivot. And people thought I was crazy and people didn't understand, and it was okay. We had decided as a partnership, it's gonna be okay, right? So we got there first year. I took one year off, and then I was ready and raring to go. And I went in with that baby for my interview, and they hired me and they said, in you go back into back into the classroom, third grade, and back into team leadership the year after that. It was exciting.

Christina Kohl

So hang on, are you were you teaching Korean children or were you teaching American expats?

Alyssa Smith

I was teaching a whole mix. So um lots of the students were Korean, but um, many of them um already had lots of experience, at least in third grade when I when I taught them, with English already. So um, I taught all the things math, science, reading, social studies, all the things, right? And did team meeting, um, but it was all in English. So that was easy for me. And my child was learning Korean. Um and I wish I'd learned, but um, with the newborn at home and then taking and then working the next year didn't happen. So there for four years, four years. And then life happened, right? I get I got myself back into the groove of work, work, work, love it. And then life happened to me. Um, in the year of 2022, gosh, I lost my mom. And a couple months later, my then husband and I decided we separation was inevitable. Yeah, it was time, right? And a week before my mom passed, I'd actually gone to my boss and said, I I think it's time for me to head back. I'm I'm feeling something. I need a change. I'm ready. So boom, boom, boom, within within two months, three major life changes I had decided I would make, even though I wasn't quite sure what I would pivot to yet, Christina. And I imagine you and your listeners, a lot of folks are in that spot right now, which is why I'm slowing down here.

Christina Kohl

Yeah. So were you still in Korea when all these three things okay? So you're leaving the the job at the school in Korea, your mom had passed, which I'm assuming she wasn't in Korea. So she was in New York. There's a whole story there. Yeah. And then your marriage was falling apart, and the decision was made to leave. So all those are like the three, yeah, three big stressors that okay, you you talk about next chapter.

unknown

Yeah.

Christina Kohl

You were you reinvented your life, and this is all in 2022. Right? And uh how old were the were the kids, were the girls at that point?

Grief, Separation, And Leaving Education

Alyssa Smith

Um, my girls were they five and eight. Yes, they were five and eight at that point. So um I had basically I'd given my notice early that I would leave at the end of the school year that September, that August, I had told my mom we would be separating. I didn't know how it would work, but it was coming. And then it all just kind of happened at once. And for the first time, I my work didn't matter more than everything else. You know, I guess I would say for the second time, because when I moved to Korea, I decided that my family mattered most. Right. Right. And then that when when grief pulled the rug out from under me, and grief about, you know, the marriage, the dreams of the family, you know, that I was grieving that and I continue to grieve that now, years later, right? This was 2022, but still going, right? Um, it and then okay, I'm gonna leave this career, this job, and I thought I'd go back to teaching. I thought I'd I'd come back and teach. Um, but long story short, it became a period of soul searching, Christina. It became that grief which knocked the wind from me, it became a gift because I found myself in it again. I realized that work was this kind of facade, this it sort of was part of my identity. It became who I was, but it was it it wasn't as much of me as I thought it was. I I defined myself so much by my work. And when grief hit and suddenly I was going through a divorce, work didn't matter nearly as much. It didn't matter as much. I mattered, the person behind it mattered. So for six months I did coming home to myself, right? It was about when I was 42. Of course, it makes sense, right? Right at that midlife moment for me.

Christina Kohl

Right. Well, as you said, coming home to myself. I I I create, I spent like six hours with the with the AI chat GPT, creating an entire program called Come Home to Yourself. No way. So it's just yes, um and more for the emptiness transition, yeah like you you drop your kid off at school, at college, and you come home to just yourself. You know, and obviously if if you're married, your spouse is there, but you're coming home to yourself. So the duality of not only coming home to an empty, an emptier house, yeah, but it but your identity, your role, everything shifts. So you didn't for you, it's not the emptiness transition. For you, it's the career transition, the life transition, the marriage, just you know, all of that gave you that opportunity to to come home to yourself.

Alyssa Smith

Yeah.

Christina Kohl

And so you just to clear make sure that I understand clearly, you left Korea, came back to the States. Yes, with your with your daughters, and came home to yourself. You reinvented yourself, your and your everything, your career path, everything. So what direction did you go in with your career? You said you thought you'd come back to education. Yeah. I did. Um, which you have in a way. I do want to call that out. It's even though it's not in the traditional sense of like working K through 12 as a teacher. True. You are still educating, but in a different way. But I'll let you tell the story. Um what how did that unfold?

Sitting With Uncertainty And Clarity

Alyssa Smith

How did that unfold? Oh, how do we squish it in? I'm I'm I'm bad with making concise. So let me say I was searching, I was applying, I was having conversations, and it took being offered a job at an excellent school in New York City and realizing I don't want this. It took that moment. And I had some spiritual stuff happening at that time. And it was like I got hit over the head by the universe. You don't actually want this. Stop telling yourself this is your only path.

Christina Kohl

So you applied for the job, you were selected for interview. You interviewed it probably multiple times. Yes. You're selling yourself, like, this is I'm I'm a great educator, I'm the one you want. You get all over the offer, and your body and your mind and your heart and your soul said, No.

Alyssa Smith

Yep. Didn't want it. And I mean, I was reading, I was reading the room too, and there was the, you know, the head of the school was in the back, and I could see him like, she's not even bothered by this conversation. She's not even here, right? And I could see it. So this is the empath of me reading the room like something's up. And then I'm realizing she's mirroring me. She's mirroring what I am feeling. Oh, wow. Mm-hmm. So that was not my only job offer in education. I had a week earlier turned down on a bigger one with leadership in Oman. And I had turned that one down too. And I realized, okay, hello. She's mirroring me, but I had to see her over that Zoom call to realize it. Um, and so that was it. That was my moment. I don't actually want this. And then it was what on earth do I want? Right. And for the first time, having to sit with that uncertainty. Oh boy, Christina. That was just so uncomfortable, especially for a teacher, a type A, uh former perfectionist, right? I'm like, I like to get it done. I like to know what's coming. It was the year that I learned that I don't have to see all of the steps, right? I don't have to see all of the how. I get to come back to what do I do and give naturally? What would I do and give naturally without being paid? What is just the way I think? How do I show up? How do I enjoy being with myself? What am I doing when I get there? Okay. So meditation, walks, calor therapy, and then coaching. And that for me, when I found a coach to help me not only talk through, but listen to myself, really listen to myself and take small steps forward, that made the difference for me. And I realized it's not about giving people answers. It's about showing up and helping them to see who's in the mirror now.

Christina Kohl

Right.

unknown

Yeah.

From Career Coaching To Parent Coaching

Christina Kohl

Oh, that is so powerful. And I imagine for the people listening, um, you know, if you're listening right now in your headphones on a walk with a dog, or maybe you're folding laundry or cooking dinner, rewind that part that Alyssa just said. Because I think so many of us, whether it's a pivotal moment like what you experienced, Alyssa, or if it's just kind of gradual, things are changing, the kids are growing, and this identity shift, I think it's something that we all come to terms with at some point in our lives. And maybe multiple points. And how do we how do we tune in to listen to that inner voice? And I know that coaching, coaching, hiring a coach doesn't give you the answers. A good coach can help you find those answers within yourself. And it sounds like that's what you did. And then correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like that's like who you've become. Yeah, absolutely.

Alyssa Smith

And I started going, I am not even sure who exactly I'm going to help, but I'm going to continue to be the person who just kind of dives in and can see a few feet in front of her, but can't see the whole, right? I can't see the marathon in front of me. And so I started speaking about my journey and my journey to clarity and my transition and the the allowing of myself to become a different version of still me, just a different version who was just more present with and for herself, right? And realizing that I could still be there as the one adult, you know, with my kids most of the time. I could still be there for them and be becoming a different version of me. So clarity and transition coaching is what I called it at first when I couldn't come up with a name. And it evolved into career coaching because so many of my clients were shifting careers and they had seen me do it from education and were like, let's go, help me to come home to me. Right. And um, yeah, I did that for a while. And then this summer, of course, it was coaching. It hit me over the head again with who it was a question about who do I serve without trying? Who are my people? And it almost always was parents in some kind of transition, right? Yeah, relationships, moving, career, whatever it was. So here I am, back with parents. Not here is how you parent, but who do you want to be as a parent? And what's what's are you challenged by right now? And how can I help you with your kid, right? Because they are going to mirror us, aren't they? The most beautiful humans mirror us, they help us to grow, and we can help them back. So there we go. So from career to parent coaching, here we are.

Repair Over Perfection In Parenting

Christina Kohl

Here you are. And yeah, I I've enjoyed watching that transformation. Um, you know, in the in on on LinkedIn is where you and I hang out together. Yeah. Enjoyed watching that transformation. And your posts are so um, they're so powerful, they're so relatable and impactful. Like it's thank you. So those of you listening, go on to LinkedIn, follow Alyssa Smith, and you're gonna get your daily dose of inspiration. And I mean, you give examples without without outing your kids or anything, but you give you give real examples and how you take a breath, take a moment and pause before you're reacting. And okay, here's here's how I did it wrong. Yeah. And here's how I did it right, here's how I corrected it. And and you you're you know, you're so authentic and vulnerable and sharing, and it's so t so um, like I said, as a as a mom of older, I I can't call my they're still my kids. They're always gonna be my kids, no matter how old they get. When they're 40, they're still my kid. So as a mom of older kids um who are now young adults, I I still get a lot of value. And you're again, you're speaking towards parents of middle, you know, middle school age kids. Yeah. Um, but it's still all relevant. And it's relevant to not only our relationship in the parent-child, but just relationships in general. Take that pause, take a breath before you respond. Respond in these ways that are more um, and maybe you can give some examples, but and respond in ways that aren't reactive but are thoughtful. I think is how I would sum up what I've learned from your teachings.

Alyssa Smith

And I'm sure those you're so sweet. Oh, like all of that. That's that means so much to me to hear that it's relevant, right? That it continues to be relevant. Um, I do want to just make a slight tweak. I don't think we're doing things wrong. When we do get reactive, honestly, I do find those as the very best opportunities for our own growth. Right, Christina? I'm I'm learning all these years of undoing the perfectionist in me, right? Undoing it again and again. And I I even like worry about using the word mistake because I'm just gonna turn call it learning. I call it learning with my kids and with myself. I'm finding myself compassion. And I really, really think with parents, the more stress we put on ourselves, the more struggle we find with them in the relationship. It's often coming from self-imposed or society-imposed pressure. So it's part of my mission to exhale on that pressure, allow yourself to parent like a human who's gonna mess up and say that thing, right? Or shout or whatever it was that we regret. But what really matters is coming back and repairing, right? And allowing yourself to grow out loud alongside that child, okay? Because they get to just do as they do. But here we are going, I learned one way, but oh my gosh, they're changing again. Hold on, how do I show up now, right? Which is why I chose middle child. Elementary, middle-aged kids, because so many parents of six, seven, eight, nine-year-olds think, oh my gosh, I used to have a polite, polite, well-behaving child, but what happened? Nothing happened. It's brain growth. This is exactly what we want to see, right? You've done nothing wrong, but it's your turn to shift again. And we have the delight to do that again and again. We're gonna pivot, aren't we, Christina?

Agency Through Questions, Not Answers

Christina Kohl

I think constantly, constantly. Right. And as the kids grow, we grow. And there's a few things there that you said that I want to unpack a little bit about there not being mistakes. And I'm thinking for myself as a as a parent or as as a human. Yeah. Um but particularly in in my parent relationship is when I've made a mistake.

unknown

Yeah.

Christina Kohl

So I don't catch myself in time and I've made the mistake, there is so much power and connection in that apology. Yes. And what I teach my child that and to say, Mommy's only human. This is my first time as a parent in the world. And I messed up. And I'm sorry.

Alyssa Smith

Brilliant.

Christina Kohl

When I was when my kids were younger, I felt like like when they were on the toddler age, I felt like I like I'm the adult. I have to have it all figured out. I can't let them see that I don't know what I'm doing. And when I started acknowledging like I I messed up, that was such a huge deposit into that relationship. Beautifully. So that's the repair. You in your terminology is the repair. Yeah, yeah. So I just want to like call that out how that landed for me.

Alyssa Smith

Um if I might add on to that, you said something too about that. Um feeling like we have to know everything. And this is oh my goodness, how often do we feel that as parents? I'm the adult in the room. I have to I have to do this. But what if we didn't? What if we get to show up with them instead of solving things for them? And this is a big piece of my progressive background. So I still lead workshops for educators and leaders. And a big part of it is in it's about inquiry. So see how that lines up with coaching, right? How do we involve them? How do we trigger their agency when they're faced with something instead of feeling like we have to solve for them? Instead of showing up as the all-knowing, but showing up as the human, like you said, and saying, that is, yeah, how are what are your thoughts on that, friend? What are we gonna do with this friendship thing? Or gosh, I see how we have conflicting things here. What do you propose? Right? We can start that so much earlier than we think. Yeah, and it doesn't make us weak. It sh it is actually helping them to become agentic, thoughtful, confident thinkers, right? Right, right.

Christina Kohl

Well, you mentioned the the coaching. So I I got certified as a coach a little over a little over two years ago. Yeah. I was able to use those coaching skills, that that inquiry in my parenting relationships.

Alyssa Smith

Yep.

Christina Kohl

Because it's so easy, you know, in even with my young adults, whether my young adult child children, if it's something with school or a challenge in a a romantic relationship or whatever, it's so easy to still want to say, well, here's what you should do.

unknown

Yes.

Chores, Self-Efficacy, And Letting Go

Christina Kohl

And I'm like, nope. I I started asking a lot of questions. Well, how does that make you feel? Well, is that something that that you think you can live with? Like, is that okay with you? Um, and just asking all those questions. And I'm I'm I'm not even gonna name the gender, but one of my kids who I had this conversation with, um, their partner had asked them like a few days later, um, like, you know, well, what's going on here? Well, I had I talked to my mom. Oh, well, what did your mom say? Well, she asked a lot of really good questions. Yes, look at that. But it was it wasn't me coming out with again, not being directive, like, oh, here's I've been there before, this is what you should do. Here's my experience, and and trust me. It was very much leaning into their wisdom and and calling, bringing those things forward for them to be able to articulate their own needs within that relationship. That's a coaching relationship. You've got to relationship. Yeah. And it's funny because I especially like when I was going through the actual training of my my poor family, like, oh, what we it feels funny, doesn't it? At first, well, even um, it's a peer relationship. Someone is saying, Well, if I was younger in my career, I would go for that. And I'm like, Well, what's holding you back today?

Alyssa Smith

What's the difference?

Christina Kohl

And that person is now in that dream role. Um, but six months ago, they were thinking, I'm too old for that.

unknown

Yeah.

Alyssa Smith

The limiting beliefs are are they just lurking? And until we're asked the question, sometimes it's hard to see that they're there. We think it's how the world is. Right. And then the question comes in and it starts to crumble, and we realize, wait a minute. Why did I believe that was how the world is, right?

Christina Kohl

So I wish I had this in my tool belt, so to speak, when my kids are younger. Yeah, yeah. I feel like I've done a good job. I'm proud of myself, I'm proud of the relationships that I have with my kids.

Alyssa Smith

Yes.

Christina Kohl

But I just recognize that, oh my gosh, this would have been such a different dynamic to have introduced this earlier. And I and I know that and I did at times. And that's what I mean.

Alyssa Smith

Of course you don't know about them.

Christina Kohl

No, you know, I did at times. Yes. But it would have been more conscious.

Alyssa Smith

Yes. Um and it lightens your load. Doesn't it lighten your load? Especially for the moms. We know how much the mental load, but everything that we carry when we shift, we realize, wait, am I doing something for them that they can do on their own again? Right. And it changes every month. We're like, wow, you could okay, great. You'll be doing the cat litter at this age, right? Okay, great. You're making your own lunches now because they're constantly changing. So if we're not checking ourselves to see, are we overdoing right now? Are we robbing them of opportunities for more self-efficacy and self-confidence? Right? Yes. We don't mean to.

Christina Kohl

No, my youngest, he would all like just even buttering toast. Just I'm like, you can do it. And he's like, but you do it so much better. Right.

Family Meetings That Actually Work

Alyssa Smith

And then you say, why do you think I do? Because of my years of experience. We started today. Right. Yes, yes. We had I had my youngest cutting her French toast today. And she asked me, and I said, you know what? We're not racing to school. It's a snow day. Get in there, girl. Which one stays still and which one does the sawing? What do you think? And she got in there, right? Did I help when she got to the crust and got a little frustrated and sure. But right, this is this is a little metaphor for parenting, right? We just get used to doing it for them until one day we wait a minute. And the earlier we do that, the happier everyone is.

Christina Kohl

So one of the things that I don't remember how old my kids were, but probably when I went back to work. So they were to think of ages, maybe like 10, 13, 15, and even before it was it was before then. Maybe I because I knew I was gearing up, but I turned over laundry to them. They had been doing their own laundry and and and it didn't matter that one was five years older than the youngest. They all got their laundry responsibility at the same time. So one was five years older, and the in the youngest at 10 or younger. I think he was even younger. I'm like, I'll show you how. This is how I like to sort my clothes when I do them. This is how I like to fold them. But you you can handle it. And it doesn't and so I had to let go of that. Are they particularly doesn't matter? There's one and I'm like trying to like tell you, I'm trying to talk about my kids without talking about my individual kids. But um so like the there's a couple like that I don't need to go. I I don't know. I don't know what their drawers look like. There's one that I was helping organize some things, and well, actually, they called me saying, Hey, can you find this? I need I need whatever it was. And I'm having to look in every single drawer. I'm like, there's so there's like three sock drawers, there's like the jeans in here, shirts with the jeans. Like, how do they find anything? And I'm like, but it doesn't matter because that person gets dressed every day. The clothes are clean enough, they're clean, they may be kind of wrinkled, but if they didn't want them to not be wrinkled, they would do something different about it.

Alyssa Smith

Yeah.

Christina Kohl

And it was hard at first to like see like that the piles of stuff and the disorganization, like, but it's their clothes, and they can manage that. I don't have to be the one to manage that anymore. And I know like I hear some parents talk about, well, my kids are going off to college and I have to teach them how to do their laundry. And I'm like, are you kidding me? You have to teach your 17 or 18-year-old how to do their laundry. Right. Um, because I handed that over so so much younger, then I think I don't know what that's done.

Alyssa Smith

Uh it depends on the family, right? And what's right for the family. And if if they've talked to a friend who's already gone and handed it over, right?

Christina Kohl

Right, right. Like, what? They can do that. Yeah, they could do that. They can that's the high warmth. It might have been when I broke my wrist. So that was even earlier. So I oh gosh. No, I didn't do it quite that young because I'm my youngest would have been two or three. I learned how to change a diaper one-handed. Um for a while. It's it's possible. It is possible.

Alyssa Smith

But we have to, yeah.

Different Kids, Different Needs

Christina Kohl

Yeah. So I wasn't quite that young. But I remember having them teaching them how to fold clothes when I had a broke. I mean, I have a metal plate in my wrist. I mean, it was a pretty serious break. So I remember teaching my what are the what they would have been seven, five, and two. I remember teaching them how to fold clothes to help mommy because I couldn't use that arm. So together we would fold the clothes and tuck the sleeves under. And so they learned they learned some basics at a very young age because I needed the help. And my son, my older son, like I couldn't, we didn't have an electric can opener then. Yeah. And so I would have I would clamp down on the can opener with one hand and have my son turn the thing to like because I couldn't do it. So that was um a forced way to hand over, not hand over, but bring them into some things that I would normally just do for them.

Alyssa Smith

Yes. And how did they feel when you invited them in? Oh my gosh, empowered, right? Grown up. Help me. We think we're thinking we're imposing. Oh my gosh, I should be doing. But every single time we release the reins and let them go with that high warmth, high expectation, and high warmth. I'm here to help you when you need the help without judgment. I'm just here to encourage you and say, remember that middle switch. What do we do with that? There we go, right? Boom. Suddenly everyone feels amazing, right? Yes. My hack is ask them what they want to learn next, right? So we have weekly family meetings. Um, it has absolutely changed our dynamic. Family of three. I had to flip things around, make sure everyone felt like they had big stakes in this family. Cause I I go, I dip, I do too much, and then I come back up for air, Christina. It's a right, we do it. Um, anyway.

Christina Kohl

So tell me more about those family meetings because that's something more my husband and I will check in on Sunday night, like what's going on this week. Because I can plan dinners according to like, yeah, you know, we've got we've only got three nights where we're all here, so that means something from my dinner planning. But yeah, yeah. I'm not doing it. And I didn't really have formal family planning meetings, and I know that you do. Tell me how how that came about, and then kind of walk us through what a typical family meeting might look like.

Culture Of Learning At Home

How Alyssa Works With Families

Alyssa Smith

So, beautiful question. Um, it came from positive discipline um at Jane Nelson's work, and it's grounded in lots of research about um families with high warmth, engagement, and kids who want to contribute, right? And feel confident. Um, but prior to that positive discipline training that I got, I did community meetings in classrooms. Um, this I'm coaching teachers and how to instill agency in their classrooms, right? Um, and I work for an educational organization grounded in agency. And how do we do this? Get people who have voice choice ownership, right? So in the classroom, we would, I would model it at first. There was a structure that was predictable, there was a script. But after me modeling it a few times, my third or fourth graders would take over and run the meeting. Somebody would be writing down the ideas, there would be challenges brought up, they would decide as a class how we wanted to try to solve the problem. And we'd have, um, we'd always, of course, I need to back up, we'd always start with compliments or acknowledgments that were specific to folks in the room. And that, I believe, colored how we did everything in the room. Everybody, I sat on the ground with the kids too. The leader sat in the chair. I was on the circle with them. Um, and that started at the Montessori school that I taught at many years ago. So that kind of we're in this together. I don't know how we might solve it. I realized I needed that in my own home. And another parent coach who's a friend said, You use so much of positive discipline. Have you been trained? And I said, No, let me get in there. And lo and behold, here it is. I said, Oh my gosh, I know exactly what this is. So I took it and I adapted it slightly. But you've got the, you're gonna start by coming together and acknowledging or celebrating or complimenting one another. Feels a little silly and funny at first if we're not used to it. But honestly, taking that moment to express gratitude, look eye to eye, my goodness, that shifts everything. And then yeah, you know, you you solve a problem. You keep it short and snappy, but you bring up a problem. Anyone can bring a problem to the table, dad, mom, kid, anyone, and share the problem. And then you go around the family, and everyone contributes one idea that might support solving that problem. Okay. And it's a team thing. It's not a why can't you do this? It's like, hmm, I'm noticing the shoes are piling up by the front door again, right? And everyone can come together and share. And then you you choose a solution, right? That I mean, that's a big thing. And at the end, and it was something fun, something that brings you together a card game, a silly dance, whatever you want. Um, and uh and uh just a look ahead at your week. That's it. Nothing really big, nothing huge. Of course, there are ways to roll it out, and you can find a free resource on my my website, Alyssa Smith Coaching, just how to kick that off yourself. Um what it has changed is my children just they feel more like active stakeholders, right? And they can say that at seven and ten. But what they say is my oldest appreciates that she knows when in the week to be able to share her bigger things that she can't solve on her own. She likes the reliability, that structure, even though she's my neurodivergent one. She likes that, knowing when it's gonna happen. And my other one says, I really like when everybody's listening to my ideas too. Right. So that's just the start of it. But we want leadership, we want communication, we want empathy, teamwork. A very, very, very simple structure like that is a beautiful springboard, honestly. Yeah, absolutely. That sounds amazing. I love that highs and lows, roses and thorns we would do in the classroom too to start the day, morning meeting. It's beautiful. It's just a human-to-human touch point, right? We get stuck in our routines, the getting things done, that it's very easy to overlook the humans in front of us. And we know from coaching that sometimes it takes somebody asking us to trigger that reflection of wow, what's actually something I want to hold on to this week, right?

Christina Kohl

One thing too, you've mentioned your daughters, like they have different, they approach your family meeting differently. Yeah. That's something that I think is really important as parents, whatever stage our kids are in, if they're going off to college or they're going off to kindergartens and anywhere in between. Each child has their own temperament and personality and needs. And I remember learning this very early as a parent. Well, I mean, I can go back all the way to the when there were infants, but potty training. Like it was so hard to potty train the first one because I didn't know what I was doing. He didn't know what was happening, right? So so hard to, um, but then we figured it out, obviously, right? We figured it out. So when we always did train, so when I go to train the second one, I'm like, I know how to do this. I didn't because everything that I learned that worked for child number one did not work at all for child number two. I'm like, What I worked so hard to learn how to do this, and now I have to figure it out again. And I think to me that it was parenthood through all of the potential cycles and chapters, right? Because each child, yeah, the stages are similar that they go through, but each child is unique and different. So, how in your coaching, and with all of your your experience in education and with your clients, how do you help people approach things in that way? Or is it the way that you coach and teach does fit different personalities because it's because of the system? Anyway, I'm I'm not wording this correctly, but I'll let you try to answer what I'm trying to know.

Group Programs And Community Support

Alyssa Smith

There's no incorrect. It sounds like you're asking, hey Alyssa, how would you how do you support parents who have very different children? Kind of it sounds like that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And a big piece of this is helping us to be self-aware and noticing that it's okay that we show up differently for our different children. We're this is us being attuned to them and noticing that there are different needs, different skill levels, more at different things, and normalizing that in the family. As we will normalize in a classroom, some of us prefer noise-canceling headphones. Some of us prefer the standing desks that Miss Smith has brought into the room. There are some of us need a small group follow-up lesson for this math, for this math concept. Some of us need to be able to choose from three different levels of hard after a math lesson, right? How can we show up for the person in front of us? You know, and it's fair as an equal. It's not equal, right? We know this, right? So just keeping ourselves in check and making sure that we're not holding one child to the other child's expectations because we can't don't hold me to my spouse's expectations. We're so different. And that's what makes us beautiful. So normalizing that in the family and creating a culture where it's safe to be a learner, where it's safe to be growing. And this is where a family meeting is like that simple, simple structure. It doesn't have to be that though. Are we the family that has adults who can admit when they're going through some challenging things and say, I know I'm gonna get through it? I have adult support to help me through this career change or this move or this relationship shift that's gonna impact us all, right? But can we be, can we find the boundary level, depending upon your kid's age, um, that allows us to share, you know, that we're humans too. We're going through stuff too. Oh, look at me. I'm learning, mommy's working on fewer words when I give instructions. Right. Mommy's working on that. Or is one of you working on using more words after someone said something to you? Yeah. Beautiful. Let's continue to support one another in that. And can you encourage me if I do a great job using just two words instead of 27? Thanks.

unknown

Right?

Take The Next Brave Step

Alyssa Smith

Creating a culture of learning, right? We're all learners in it. I'm telling you, it just pulls down this armor that our kids think they need to have. We have to perform. No, you don't. We're all learning. We're all learning. So helping parents to co-create with their kids the kind of family culture that they want. That's at the crux of what I do. So we start with what do you want it to feel like? And then we start to identify where, in fact, we're accidentally perpetuating something we don't love without realizing how or why. Our kids can help us identify it if we ask them, if we're willing to be humble and eat that humble pie. They'll tell us their interpretation. Fact doesn't matter, but their interpretation matters a heck of a lot. Once we have that interpretation, then we can step back and see, ooh, what can I look at differently? What can change? What am I not willing to change? And how do I interpret this with my middle elementary child? They need the interpreter, the teacher at the end of the day. We're talking six to twelve, 13 and up, you get into more of a coach role. But our middle uh middle um middle childhood kids, they absolutely need the interpreter. So if we're not eliciting their understanding, right, we don't know what's going on in there. We don't know what they interpreted. Oh, they have more bubbles in their bubble bath. Um, you must love them more. That could be the interpretation, right? We check in, check in with them is my biggest thing, right? So, what culture do you want? And are we being the kind of leaders who are checking in, you know? Because we're leaders at home, whether we recognize it or not. We are the leaders.

Christina Kohl

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. So, Alyssa, how how do you work with your clients? Like if someone is is their interest is like, oh gosh, I could really use this type of coaching. What does that relationship and and program look like?

unknown

Yeah.

Alyssa Smith

So what I've recently done, I have I have a program that was loosely outlined, but honestly, what I'm finding with my clients is we're showing up with them. We set goals. I'm like, what is the biggest challenge we want to focus on first? The one that's the domino that we think is impacting all these other things. We start. There, we set our goal and we show up with the parents, sometimes with children on the call if necessary. But honestly, what I prefer is helping the parent to see their role in it and getting them into that role of compassionate person with a whole lot of curiosity. Can we bring them in to the challenge? Can we sit beside them and look at challenges too? Right. And it's a kind of a shift. So anyway, there'll come whether it's sibling rivalry, whether it's challenges listening, whether it's just a clash of styles and communication relationship doesn't feel like it's it's working anymore. Whatever the challenge is at home, I meet the parent with the parent and help them to be open, right? To involving the kid in that on their side. And then they come to me and say, What do I do with that? Right. And we figure it out bit by bit. Often kids are coming out more identical, and parents are realizing they can step way back because we put all it's most of the women who find me, and most are women, though. I do have a recently a dad sign-on, which is so exciting. But most of the folks that I'm working with are often finding that we continue to lovingly overdo for our kids. And we're realizing it's this gentle stepping back, even in the big situations with our neurodivergent kids or kids with big behavior challenges. There's so much more to the stepping back than we realize. Okay, so there's a whole lot of that. I don't do 12 weeks coaching anymore, Christina. It's more of an ongoing, what do we need now? And if it's done, we're done. And I have folks come back to me and say, okay, so now we're moving. I need you again. This is a transition for the whole family. I need support, right? Right.

Resources, Where To Find Alyssa

Christina Kohl

So it's one-on-one, or maybe it's four to do with one family, yeah, working together. So it's not like a group environment with 10 different families represented. It's it's individually highly individualized.

Alyssa Smith

Well, yeah, yeah. So the private one-to-one coaching I should differentiate. Thank you. So I'm sorry. So when you asked how, I was like, okay, let's talk a little bit about how it might go. But yes, that was the private one-to-one coaching. But I do also have a free masterclass that runs quarterly. Um, it's called the Pushback Paradox. And I also um have a group, a little group situation. It's called the Parent Reset that I run quarterly. We had the first one in November. It was awesome. So it's coming back in in January, February zone. Um, and by the time you're listening to it, just be on the lookout for the next one. Um, it's families come together, group situation, 10 or fewer families together at a time. And in three weeks, we work through resetting, setting boundaries, and coming back to connection in a way that's easy and take stuff off your plate instead of adding to your plate because we're busy enough.

Christina Kohl

Right. Right. Okay, beautiful. And so you said you just started that just last month with the group.

Host’s Closing And Interview Support CTA

Alyssa Smith

Oh, incredible. It was incredible. Yeah. One of the pieces of our parent reset, we actually ran a fake family meeting. I had a mom, dad, and a kid in there. And they went through a scenario. It was a lot of fun. And the breakout rooms as well is where we naturally learn from one another. And in all of the feedback forms, it's like, I just love learning. I'm not the only one. And just being able to talk openly without worrying that I'm betraying my child. This is this safe space. No one's gonna come and know my child, right? We're just here to support one another. So that's an ongoing level of support between sessions, even for three weeks, that I love setting up and I'm gonna continue to play with and see what new iterations are coming. Because I'm with you. The community is everything for parents. Less more less of me teaching top down. I will always educate, but more of the coming together, right? What do we have to learn from one another?

Christina Kohl

Right, right. Oh, I love that. So that's so I could see, and I also back to what you said earlier in our conversation. You you wanted to have the whole thing all mapped out and know all the stuff all the 10 steps that are gonna be there or 20 steps. Yes. But I love that you have started this, like, well, let's just give this a go and let's I don't know what what the end game is gonna be, but this is what it is today. It's three weeks, it's with families, we're together, yeah, and it's gonna evolve into different iterations over time as you refine it and make it better. And so you are living like in real time what you just talked about that you learned a few years ago. So I love that. I want to reflect that back, yeah. Yeah, and reflect it back to you, like, okay, because I get caught up in that, like I said earlier, like the come home to yourself. Like I have this whole plan all mapped out, and I just like I don't know if I can actually, I'm just not ready. I just like set it aside and you know, I can I can go back to it anytime, but it's just I'm I I just didn't. So I love that you are doing it in real time and and taking the action because we can have big dreams, big ideas, but until we take the action, even the littlest tiny action step, none of that big dream vision stuff matters. It's the action that is what's the most important. And imperfect action beats big ideas every time.

Alyssa Smith

I know, because we're gonna refine as we go. Baby steps, that's it. The next baby step. And I I baby step I don't love. I mean, I just call it the next brave step because it takes courage every time, right? Next brave step, what do we have here? Right? Right. And it's always, and what did I learn? And what did I learn? Because there is growth always if we look for it. No failure, growth.

Christina Kohl

Right, right. There's um, and I just mentioned this on I've been, I've been, you're like my fourth, fourth recording uh guest in the last week. Yeah, um, and so it feels repetitive to me, but they're gonna be spread out. Um but I've I okay. The phrase is that there are no mistakes, only lessons. Yes. And I have to attribute that to Ruth Sukup. She's someone that I follow in the business and someone that I follow. Um, so but I I've I've embraced that to say there are no mistakes, only lessons. And that kind of helps eliminate the fear of, well, if I do this and it fails, then then you will have learned. Right? It didn't fail. You will have learned by doing, and it'll be better next time. And whether that learning is you pivot and do something completely different, or you realize that three weeks isn't enough, it needs to be three months or whatever it is, you know, or I had, you know, whatever. There's all kinds of different things that you would learn from it and to approach it that way from the beginning, yes, instead of afterwards, it didn't go the way I wanted. But if you approach it from the beginning, like I'm gonna put this out there and I'm gonna learn from it no matter what the outcome is. Yeah, yes, that makes it a lot less scary, doesn't it?

Alyssa Smith

To try the thing, to do the thing. So yeah, this what you're talking about, we call it risk taking in the progressive education world. And we encourage it. We encourage it all the time. Take a risk. What risk are you taking today? What are you gonna try that might fail, right? And if it's if you don't think it could fail, then it's not really a risk, is it? Or if it's not scary at all, it's not really a risk. What are you doing that scares you today? Right. So we had third graders starting business up businesses up, right? And this is this is what we bring home, right? To our kids. We set goals too once a month. We're like, what do we want to work on? What do we need support with? That is risk taking. That's beautiful because we're priming our kids to be the kind of people that can do things that are a little scary and we're normalizing it.

Christina Kohl

We're normalizing it. Absolutely. And being a I mean, me doing this podcast. Oh my gosh. The first time, and I've I've said this over and over the first time I recorded it, I re-recorded six times because it just didn't sound right. It sounded like an echo. It was the sound that was, oh, the word that messed those up. Okay, let me go try something else. And then so I went to the store. So I went to Target that morning that it actually was like live, and I went to the store, and what pops up in my earbuds is me on my podcast, is like playing in my mic and I'm like listening to it. And I came home and I re-recorded that thing again. So talk about perfectionist tendencies. But it's a it's a risk. I mean, it's something to put out there. The first time I ever did a LinkedIn Live, I was pacing the floor for the half an hour beforehand. I was so nervous and so scared. An hour to go do one like, okay, cool. We're on, we're on let's go. Hi, everyone. And until you do it, you don't know. You gotta try and learn from it and and grow. So thank you so much.

Alyssa Smith

I'm not a LinkedIn Live person. I'm gonna need you to hold my hand one day, Christina. Let's do a ticket, let's do one together.

Christina Kohl

Oh, I wanna do a LinkedIn live together because it's easier when you've got someone you're talking with. Is that do you know what?

Alyssa Smith

And isn't that what we're talking about with parenting? Like, can I sit beside you? Let's see. How can I be with you in it? This is so full circle. Yes, please. Sign up to Christine.

Christina Kohl

All right, tell you what. We will we will um go offline and we'll we'll figure out uh the topics, you know. Maybe it's a little snippet of this or something. Love it. Um, yes, let's do one together. Let's plan that for 2026. Fantastic. Um yeah, well, we we have lots to talk about, I'm sure.

Alyssa Smith

Yes, we do.

Christina Kohl

Well, anything from thank you so much, first of all, for joining me today and sharing your insights and wisdoms and your story, your pivots. Um, is there anything we haven't talked about, or even something that maybe we have, something that you want to leave listeners with? Um golden nuggets from from your brilliance.

Alyssa Smith

You know what? I you've asked so many beautiful questions. We talked about so many things. I shared my website, Elizabeth Coaching. Got loads of free resources up there. My latest one might be most relevant to your audience called Name the Hard, Model the Hope. And I created this after I was on another podcast with a career coach, actually. And um, she she's coaching folks who are going through life changes while they're looking at their career and really thinking about leveling up. And for me, the at parent like a human on Instagram, I'm realizing there's so many of these walls and these high expectations we put on ourselves. And perhaps we can peel that back a little. So that resource, meme the hard, model the hope. I'd love to direct your listeners to go check that out on AlyssasmithCoaching.com. Maybe I'll send you a direct link here too.

Christina Kohl

Okay. Yeah, that'll be great. We will definitely include that. Just even the title makes me like, oh, I've got to open that up.

Alyssa Smith

I gotta check that out. I think you love it. Yeah, absolutely. And you can find me on LinkedIn. My direct messages are always open. It's always me. It's it's not a VA, it's me. So if you want to reach out, that's an easy place to find me too.

Christina Kohl

Oh, wonderful. Well, thank you for being here today and sharing your wisdom with the audience and with me. It is really, really appreciated.

Alyssa Smith

Such a pleasure to be here. Thank you so much for creating this space.

Christina Kohl

Absolutely. Before we close today's episode, I want to speak to something Alyssa said that really stood out to me. She talked about modeling courage, about naming the hard, about growing out loud, about taking the next brave step. And here's the thing interviews are a brave step. Career pivots are brave steps. Returning to work after being a stay-at-home mom is brave. But explaining a layoff is brave. But up-leveling into a bigger role is brave. And just like we want our kids to feel confident walking into new situations, you deserve to feel confident walking into yours. If you have an upcoming interview or you're navigating a career shift and you want to feel clearer, more grounded, and more confident in how you talk about your experience, that is exactly what we do inside my interview strategy session. We clarify where you're headed, we refine how you position your story, and we prepare you for the hard questions so you can walk into your next interview feeling prepared and confident. If that support would feel helpful right now, you can book a session using the link in the show notes. Here's to your next chapter, friend. I'll talk to you soon. Thank you so much for listening today. I hope this episode hit home for you. And if you haven't already, be sure to connect with my LinkedIn and say hello or compartment. Until next time, remember your story is unique with your own. Until next chapter, we can