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Attempting Motherhood
Attempting Motherhood: The Aud Way is a podcast for late diagnosed or late realised ADHD / AuDHD mothers.
It is hosted by Sam, an AuDHD ( autistic + ADHD ) elder millennial mom.
Episodes cover topics pertaining to motherhood, neurodivergence, the combination of those two and how they intersect.
Remember in this wild ride of motherhood, we're all attempting to do our best.
Attempting Motherhood
Perception Vs Reality - Motherhood Truths
In this solo pod, Sam talks about the perceptions vs reality we may experience - that may be in part due to internalised ableism, unrealistic expectations, and the lie of modern mothers being able to "do it all"... or a bit of all of those.
There are ACTIONABLE TIPS broken down to help you work through this as well as some "reality checks" to keep in mind for the times your perception is clouding your reality.
Episodes Mentioned:
Resentment in Your Relationship
Navigating Fluctuating Capacity in Motherhood
Have topic or guest requests: samattemptsmotherhood@gmail.com
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AttemptingMotherhood.com
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Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, medical professional, or mental health professional.
I am sharing my lived experience. If you relate to any of the content in these episodes, do your own research and speak to a medical professional if needed.
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Hey friends. So this week is a solo episode. Hoot. I want to talk a bit about perception versus reality. If you follow me on socials, which I hope you do. Sam attempts, motherhood. If you don't thank so much. but if you follow me on socials, you might have seen last week, me talk about this perception versus reality in my Instagram stories. I, as I often do when on a couple of minute, little tirade breaking it all down, but I wanted to go into a bit more detail about it here. And. See if I can't challenge you to challenge your own perception versus reality. So the thing that started this all off the impetus, if you will. I was, I had.
Uh, child-free day. Where I had quite a lot of stuff to do.
And at the end of the day, when I was taking stock of everything I had done for the day. I felt like my perception. Was all I had accomplished with scent. And email one email. In my.
You know, Six or seven hours of child-free time.
But when I took a step back. And I really took stock of. Okay. I understand. That's what I'm feeling. That's all that I did today. That's my perception. But when I took that step back and I thought about all of the stuff that I had done.
That may not have been on the quote-unquote to do list. That I didn't feel like counted because it was just a mundane, ordinary thing I do every day. I actually had done quite a lot of stuff.
I don't need to run through it all for you because you probably all have your own scenarios of this, But a lot of the things that I had accomplished. Yes, they might not have been.
Things that we're working towards work projects and
they may not have been things that I would have very traditionally deemed as productive, but really they were. And when it comes to looking at, through the lens of. Supporting my family to function and to flow better. They were very important because they were things like several loads of laundry and tidying the house, which is not just for the family, but for me, because visual clutter, oh my God.
And if you have a toddler, you know how much. Visual clutter, there might be.
They were, again, mundane things like walking the dog. But also some of them were towards working towards business goals. You I had finished setting up some Amazon storefront, which please head to my links. I check them out. I get a very, very small. Very minute percentage of what you buy for no extra cost to you.
But all of that to say, My perception, versus my reality was very, very skewed. And a lot of this is I'm going to call it out. I called myself out on the day. It's very ableist thinking, it's me getting in this thought pattern and this negative self-talk of why can't I just be more productive? Why can't I just do the thing?
Why can't I just tick off all the things on my to-do list. Why does it take me? What feels like three times longer than it would take quote, unquote, normal people to do this? Thing. And that's my internalized ableism that is ableist speak that I have. I heard. And probably said to myself, countless times, When I get frustrated because my brain doesn't work the same way.
But everyone else's works.
So, if you are someone who you fall into this little trap as well. If you. Get to the end of the day and you feel like, oh my God, I haven't accomplished anything. Maybe we need to reframe. Uh, our idea of productivity and reframe. What accomplished means and success means, but those are all big ideas. The actionable thing I want you to do is make a two. Done list not to do. But a to done. At the end of the day, whatever that looks like for you. You're going to sit down. And you're going to write. Every single thing you did. And I don't just mean like,
You know, Wrote that email. I am saying. Every single thing.
Brushed my teeth ate breakfast.
Decided what you have and planned and cooked dinner. That's a big one, right? Like how much mental energy. Does that take.
Again, if you're like me. Got the toddler ready for school. Fought with and wrestled and got the toddler dressed.
Walk to school, walk the dog. Like I am talking every single thing because, because while, we may not give those sinks credit, they do take from our capacity. Which is the time and the energy that we have available to go towards things.
And a phrase that I have talked before about spoonie. So spoon theory. We have limited capacity. And this is honestly, regardless of neurotype, we all have a limited capacity. Just some people, those of us that fall in that little spoony camp. Which sounds like a very different type of camp. But those of us that fall in that camp, we have a much more limited. Supply.
So I want you to write your to done list. Include every single little thing, because they all draw from your capacity.
And then give yourself credit. Oh my God. Do we ever do this? Do we ever sit down and take stock of what we have done? The mundane, the menial, the things that seem like they don't matter. At all. But they really matter a big way because if you didn't. Let's say in my case, do the dishes do the laundry tidy?
I mean, who cares about tidying? Right. But do the dishes do the laundry plan? The food? Well then guess what? There would be no dishes, no clean clothes. And nothing to eat. And I really try and limit myself to having one bowl of cereal a day. I don't know what he's accomplished that I don't, but. I try, I try and limit them. So. Give yourself that credit. Sit back, give yourself a pat on the back and you know what verbalize it. Say it to your partner, not as a bragging way. But like a, Hey. I actually felt like I didn't accomplish very much today. But when I think about it, I got ton of stuff done. And that stuff might all just be going towards. Home or family management or life admin or. Whatever else, but. Good job. And, you know, what, if you had a day where you really truly didn't actually get hardly anything done. But you've rested and you nourished yourself and you allowed yourself some time and space to just.
Decompress and be okay with not doing a lot. And gave yourself a pat on the back too. Because. We so rarely deliberately let ourselves rest. I will do a whole separate episode on deliberate rest and what that means and why it's important. And when it counts and when it doesn't hot tip it doesn't count if you sit there and beat yourself up because you're doing it because your body then doesn't perceive that as rest.
But some other things that I try and do to keep myself in check with this little perception versus reality. Thing is, as I've talked about so many times on the podcast and all the time on my social media cycle, track cycle tracks, cycle, track, cycle track, even if you're in peri-menopause like me and that cycle is becoming a bit more unpredictable. Please track it.
Use an app like letterlife. Yes, my fav. Apple health has one though. I don't know how predictable it is because the other day I Got an alert on my watch that said your period should start sometime in the next seven days. And I thought, Hmm. Yes, apple watch. You know, I'm in peri-menopause and who really knows when it's going to start.
With cycle tracking, let that then inform a daily check-in. I have this as
free downloads on my website. I've just created some phone wallpapers that you can save, obviously as your phone wallpaper. And they give you that little reminder when you pick up your phone to do a little check-in and they are so simple. It is, you know, how did you sleep? Have you had anything to eat?
Have you had anything to drink? Have you done some movement?
Have you done anything for regulation? And have you done anything for a little bit of connection?
If you want those, there's a handful of different designs. I created to fit different aesthetics, head to attempting motherhood.com. You'll see the resources tab and you can download those.
But, like I said, use your cycle tracking to inform then your daily check-in okay. Yes. I might've had plenty to eat.
I might've had enough water, but I slept like crap. And I'm on day 26 of a 28 day cycle. And I just feel like absolute rubbish. Okay. Allow that to. Inform your expectations and adjust.
How much you were doing that is taking from your capacity. That day.
And on that, let's talk a little bit about expectations
I started talking about perception versus reality. Right. And we've broken all of that down, but I also want to talk about the expectations versus reality.
I recorded an episode quite a while ago, about resentment in your relationship. I'll link it in the show notes.
But essentially the gap between expectation and reality is where resentment. Breeds resentment grows. Resentment starts. And while that episode was about resentment in your relationship.
You can turn that resentment towards yourself as well.
And while we might not always. Think about resenting ourselves. I don't know about you, but to me, resenting feels like a very. Outside myself, emotion. Like I typically resent other people or things. You might feel. Comfortable with that and that's fine, but some other emotions that might make more sense for you in regards to resentment and this gap between expectation and reality might be discontented. It might be. Really just coming up as negative.
Self-talk again, that same cycle that I talked about before that, like, why can't I just do this? Why can't I. Essentially, let's call it out. Let's let. Call a spade, a spade. Why can't I be neuro-typical? But here's the thing. When it comes to that. Negative. Self-talk. When it comes to that gap between expectation and reality.
We can't do it all. We would love to, I would love to do it all. But I don't have enough time in the day. And even if I have enough time, I don't have the capacity. So.
It's starting to get a little bit more comfortable with what our true capacity is, and that can be really hard. You know, especially as someone who might be late, diagnosed late, realized.
Truly accepting, like really, really accepting that you have a disability. Is a mega. Pill to swallow. It is one that quite honestly, I am still. Wrapping my head around. I mean, we see those memes right where it's like, oh, I am going through life until I realized that my disability actually disables me. Yup. Yup. I've had that realization. Like so many times where it just smacks me in the face and I think. Whew man. There's probably a reason.
I was in a burnout cycle before.
Honestly, I don't know if I'm quite all the way out of that cycle, but I am desperately trying. I am trying to create a life and supports and accommodations for myself where I can get out of that burnout cycle. It's not a train. I enjoy riding. It's not a fun little roller coaster.
It actually sucks. Quite a lot.
If we can start to. Redefine. Our expectations to make them a little bit more realistic, then we can get a bit more in alignment with what our true capacity is. Which means then we can get off. The burnout train. And we can start.
Really embracing ourselves because don't get me wrong.
We can do a lot of things. It's just, we have to juggle when those things are being done. Which brings me to my next and final point. That. Is something that I have felt for a very long time. Very long. But it's really only in the last month that I have like truly, truly embraced it. And that's this idea that something's got to give, something's got to shift. If I'm having a week where I'm super focused on business stuff, and I'm really busy on that side of life. Well then guess what?
The home side of life. Tends to fall apart a little bit. Specifically, as far as like the tasks that I take on. For cleaning and maintaining the home, those kind of fall by the wayside on those weeks where I'm focusing more on business stuff. And then other weeks where I am focusing on. Keeping the house up to the standard that I would like again, it's probably an unrealistic standard which sends having a child.
Let me tell you it has, are really. Gotten a reality check, but if I'm having weeks where I'm really wanting to focus on that, I'm wanting to try and like stay on top of absolutely everything, which. You know, if you have a family, you probably understand how hard that is. Then it means that maybe the business stuff doesn't get as much attention as I would like it to. But that's because I have. Uh, limited capacity. I think as modern moms, especially we put, oh, we put so much. Expectation on ourselves on unrealistic expectation. And. It's impossible.
We can't do it all. There's no way. I was saying to a friend a few weeks ago that. So many of us. Are trying to do it all. But we wonder why we feel like we're failing. Because. Even if we had 40 hours in the day, we probably still couldn't do it all. We have been fed this. Ooh. Let me get on my little, oh, here I'll make my little feminist so box and I'll climb up. On top of it. And I will tell you that we have been fed this patriarchal. Bullshit lie. That we can do it. All. And I'm going to give you that check right now.
We can't. And that's okay. We can shift stuff around like a little three-card Monte. We can. Have the ebb and flow. Like I was saying, something's got to give one week. It might be more focused here one week. It might be more focused here. We all find our own balance and our own juggle with that.
And some of us might find that a little quicker than others. I'm going to tell you three and a half years into motherhood. I am still finding it. But.
We can't do it all. We can't be in 1950s housewife, house manager, life admin manager for every person in our house, including ourselves and the dog. As well as. Work. As well as be the most amazing partner that your partner could ever want as well as be completely. You know, culturally informed and have the best connection with our friends and see them as often as we would like to, and be involved in the kids' school and do volunteering and be a. Upstanding member of the community you get where I'm going with this, right.
We want to be all the things we've been fed again. Here's my soap box. This bullshit, patriarchal lie that we can do all the things. But we can't. And if you know, someone who can. One Bravo, send them my way. Maybe they can teach me something, but I'm going to remind you. That a lot of the time, what we see on the surface. Is very, very different. Then what's going on.
Underneath.
One of the things that I'm so happy about. I feel like us millennial moms have pulled the veil back on. The.
Romanticized version of. Motherhood and family life and et cetera, that. Kind of 2010 Instagram fed to us.
I see now so much more the common theme and the accounts that. Are really popular. Maybe this is just my little silo
corner of the internet, but it's people who are being authentic, people who are being vulnerable, people who are sharing. The ups and the downs and not just the highlight reel, but I will mind you. It is all still a highlight reel.
I have shared when I've had meltdowns before, but I'm not sharing every single time.
I'm losing my cool yelling at my kid. Unfortunately, cause that happens. And then having to apologize to her and remind her that mommy is working on it and mommy's trying not to yell. And mommy's trying to do better. So. No matter how much you think someone has it together. Keep in mind. It's still a highlight reel.
We don't know. Every little skeleton in people's closets, we don't know what's going on in the deep corners of someone's brain. So that being said, let this also act as a bit of a reminder. Two. Check in on your people. Even the ones you think have it all together. Literally just a quick check. Hey, thinking about you. I wanted to check in. It takes 20 seconds.
20 seconds, which you may barely have due to limited capacity and a very busy life, but perhaps you can spare it.
I'll start to wrap this up, that kind of wound and spun and went a few different ways. But at the end of the day, I want to remind you that your perception. Of what you've done and what you're doing and how little, or how much you're doing. Is. I will guarantee. Very very far away from reality. And if you can't quite see that yet. I hope you can, but if you can't. Please ask someone close to you. Because my partner is constantly. Sometimes in the nicest way, sometimes in the not nicest way. Is constantly. Reminding me that I try and do too much. That I have impossible expectations of myself that I have way too high of standards for myself that I need to give myself a break and put my feet up. And watch trash TV for an afternoon. And allow myself. To actually just rest.
Advice that I am struggling to take, but trying to learn.
As I said, rest is going to be a whole other episode coming up. If you have questions about that, feel free to get in touch. Sam attempts, motherhood@gmail.com. And on that note. I thank you so much for listening.
If you did enjoy this, please share it with a friend. If you don't already, please subscribe, hit that little plus button.
And if there's a topic that you want to hear me talk about, or a guest that you want to hear on the podcast. I get in touch. Let me know.
I mentioned earlier, a previous episode that I had recorded about resentment in your relationship. I've added that into the show notes. And I also think another one that's on the same topic that might be interesting for you is the episode on the fluctuating capacity in. Motherhood that we experience. I've also included that in the show notes for you to easily click over to now.
Thank you for being here.
