Hey, everyone. Welcome back to this week's episode. I'm going to talk about RSD today, Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. And I'm going to guess that you're probably familiar with this if you have ADHD. And if you're not familiar with the actual term, you've more than likely experienced it. So let's talk about it quickly what it actually is.
So here's the definition. RSD is extreme emotional sensitivity and pain. Triggered by the perception that a person has been rejected or criticized by important people in their life. It may also be triggered by a sense of falling short, failing to meet their own high standards or others expectations. And this is, there was another part of it that explained how it's, it's, it's like a very physical reaction, like it's legit physical pain.
And so. This is just like, it's so different the way that people with ADHD, and it is nearly 100 percent of ADHDers that have this RSD or experience RSD, and they just experience, basically, any kind of, like, sense that they're being rejected or criticized or any perception of that. They experience it so deeply and physically as compared to somebody who doesn't have ADHD and therefore doesn't experience RSD.
And it's definitely not that they're not strong people, they're not weak, they're not, you know, oversensitive or, you know, feel too much or something like that. It's like a legit emotional response that hurts us a lot more than it does somebody who doesn't experience, experience that. And It has a lot to do with, well, obviously it's, it's to do with the brain.
It's neurologic. It's genetic. And it's one of the things that I learned through this was that the way that social rejection or perceived rejection is experienced in your brain, it's a similar brain activity to pain. And so when you have ADHD, You don't regulate signals as well in the brain. And so we're processing things physically, we're processing like all the things through our senses.
So like light, sound, you know, all of that stuff. So just like as an example, how you might be sensitive to light or loud noises, or if what's happening around you changes quickly, and that can really kind of set you off. It's because we don't process that stuff. in the same way those signals aren't as active for us.
And so they think this might be why we experience rejection or perceived rejection in such a different way than a non ADHD er. So anyhow, I don't want to get all long winded on the science part of it, but I do want to, I just really want to emphasize that this is neurological, it's genetic, it is, there's a true physiological reason behind why you might experience things like this.
And it doesn't mean that you're a weak person. It just means that your brain works differently. Just like with a lot of other things to do with ADHD. And so you're probably thinking like, what the heck does that, what does this have to do with health and wellness and weight loss and all of that kind of stuff?
Well, it has a lot for someone like me. I think RSD. Once I understood that, like, so much stuff made sense to me. And it actually, I could see this as potentially, like, the biggest connection to why I struggled for years and years and years to ever see any, like, true, lasting, sustainable weight loss. And I've got a list of six ways that this might show up for you in your weight loss experience or your health or any of those types of things where you're trying to make changes for the better.
So the first one is we can often interpret like vague interactions as rejection. Like our brain goes right to like, Oh my God, this person hates me. Or they said something and we think, Oh, they're criticizing me. I totally screwed this up. And so like the example that I can think of is You know, if you've had, worked with a coach, maybe you're working with a health coach or something like that, or a personal trainer, and they've given you some feedback on something, or guidance, and Instead of thinking of it as, or receiving that as, as, as they're trying to help you, it might be perceived as they're putting you down.
Or if you're in a group setting with a lot of people, I know this has happened to me, somebody might make a comment, and it's, who knows how they intended it, because we're not inside their brain, but I might take it as like, oh my god, that person hates me, or that person, this person, like, thinks I'm, I'm not good at this, or they're, Just putting me down in some way.
And so, yeah, so I know I have experienced that and how I've interpreted things from coaches or other people in group settings. And so that is just one way that it might show up in this whole process. The second way is that it's really easy to feel embarrassed or self conscious as compared to somebody who doesn't have ADHD.
And so you might be less likely to try new things. And When you're trying to change your life and change your processes and your habits and your routines and stuff like that, if you get so embarrassed or self conscious that you don't want to try new things, a lot of that being that you just don't want to be perceived by people, I know you know what that feels like, then Yeah, it's hard to make any kind of shifts in things that are not like just right inside your own house.
So the example of this that I experienced was I really wanted to make changes in how I was moving my body. Like I love to walk. I love to run. I used to work out like do strength. I love strength training. Well, actually, no, I shouldn't say that. I don't love strength training. I love the way it makes me feel.
But If I'm being honest, I actually hate it. I love how I just like tried to say that I love strength training. I definitely don't love strength training. But anyways, total sidebar. I wanted to change up the way that I was moving my body and just get something where I was, my heart rate was getting up a little better.
And I was like, I bet you I would love classes at the gym. But I like, I think I went once when somebody like, I'm just talking about since I moved here. I went once when I was able to go with. So I have an acquaintance, but I cannot get myself to go do things like that. Like just, it's really tough to, to build up the confidence and the courage to go and try something new because you just think, oh my gosh, everybody's going to be looking at me.
Everybody's going to think, what is she doing? All of that kind of stuff. And so, yes, this makes sense that you might easily feel embarrassed or self conscious and how that can factor into you trying new things. The third. way that it might show up is because you struggle to believe in yourself. And it's really hard to keep going on a process like this when you don't think you have the wherewithal or you don't think that you can achieve your goals.
It's tough. And so this is a natural thing that happens with us is that it's just a little bit harder for us to really believe in ourselves. And that's really necessary to keep going through the times when things are really tough, you know, maybe if you're somebody who's trying to lose weight and you hit a plateau, a true real plateau, if you don't believe in yourself, it's going to be really tough to power through and keep going when it feels like nothing is happening.
And so that's just one of the ways that that that can increase how that might show up for you. So the fourth one is perfectionism. It's so common. And I know, like, in weight loss programs that I've been in, you know, like, it's so often said that, like, you can't be a perfectionist about this kind of stuff, which is true, but it's so much easier said than done for someone like us.
We naturally think that it has to be perfect because then we're going to be above reproach. Right? Because if it's, if we do things perfectly, nobody can reject us. Nobody can say anything bad about us. Nobody can question our intentions because we're perfect. So, and then what happens when you try to be perfect?
You experience anxiety, you get burnt out, and you're just basically using that pain That you potentially, like, you think you're experiencing, the pain you are physically experiencing from this perceived rejection. You use that pain to find ways to, like, adapt, which is often overachieving. You try to be the best.
You've got to be the best at everything that you do. I know you guys know what this feels like. And so, what do you think happens when we go into things and we're only going to give it 100%? We're not gonna succeed. Like, I can't tell you how many times I've gone into a program or started to work with a coach or even just for myself or with, like, my sisters or something where it's like, yeah, we're gonna, like, do all this stuff.
We're gonna track. We're gonna, like, look, you know, just do all these things to lose all this weight. And I'm like, Yeah, I'm getting all the gold stars. I'm going to do everything perfectly. And how long is that going to last? Like, I sometimes maybe it would last like three weeks, but I, I swear like each time it gets shorter and shorter and shorter because you just don't have the capacity to keep going when you're trying to be perfect.
So anyhow, that's one of the other ways that it can show up. Number five is That, a lot of people who experience RSD, they, they, it, it's like an outward losing of control. Like they might get angry. In the end, it's almost like a,
like, you know, when you're repressing feelings about something, pushing it down, pushing it down until you burst. That's how it is for some people, but for others, often women, they're more likely to turn these feelings inward on themselves. So rather than blowing up and losing control at somebody else because they're upset, they internalize a lot of these things.
And then they start to really beat themselves down, like, you know, that negative self talk of, like, Oh, you can't do anything right. All these people don't like you. You're not, you're, yeah, you just, you can't succeed at this. And how do you think that that's going to go in terms of you making progress towards your goals when you speak into yourself like that?
Like, nobody is going to keep going when they're just beating themselves down inside every day. And so that's one of the ways that this can show up and can really hold you back from, from reaching your goals. Number six is avoiding any chance of failure. This is so basically like it's two extremes of how people like What they do, how they cope with the rejection sensitivity dysphoria, is that they either try to do everything perfectly, or they won't do anything at all.
And so, because, hey, if I don't try, nobody can say I didn't do a good job. So we'll avoid any chance of failure. So I shouldn't laugh, but it's, it's just, like, I can look back and see so many instances of myself doing this because I don't want to take any chance of looking like a loser and, and yeah, again, I feel like I've said this so many times, but I know you know what I'm talking about.
I know you've experienced this but just, like, not giving yourself, I mean, and this kind of goes hand in hand with the perfectionism anyways, but just avoiding any chance of failure. Like, you're gonna fail through parts on the way. That's just part of the journey, right? But, If we don't, we, that's what we will do.
We will avoid any chance of failure. And then that just means we're, we're making no progress. So anyways, those are the six ways that I have particularly seen it show up. And I also have six ways that you can help the RSD that you might experience, especially in relation to your, you know, goals when it comes to your health or your wellness or your weight loss.
So the first one is mindfulness. That's why this is one of the big components in my program. is because mindfulness, one of the best things that mindfulness does is that it helps you to recognize your thinking patterns, especially like your automatic thinking patterns. And so if you take the time, even if it's like a minute, a minute a day, and there are lots of ways that are, you know, mindfulness that's too, that's attuned and, and maybe made specific for people with ADHD that you can try, but, and you don't have to do, it's not like you have to sit down and like clear your mind and do it perfectly.
Stop that. You don't have to be perfect at it. But even if it's like, you know, you're, if you're out for a walk and you like turn off the podcast for a minute and you just, just be with your, be with yourself and just notice what you're thinking. That counts. Like that's mindfulness too. Anyways, mindfulness really helps you to see these thinking patterns and so then you can Become more aware of, of when this might be happening, and then you have a lot higher of a chance of being able to, like, cut it off at the pass before it gets worse.
The second thing that helps is reinforcing your strengths. And so, if you go through, and like, I know for a lot of people this might seem silly, and they might not want to do it, but it really, really helps, is if you just reinforce, make a list of the things that you know you're really good at. And it doesn't have to be anything big.
It could just be like, you know, I make people laugh at the appropriate times or like, you know, like I'm really good at skip rope. I don't know why that's what came to my mind, but if you can just find ways to reinforce your strengths to yourself, it just helps to build that confidence to know that like, you know what, I am a human just like everybody else.
And I have. flaws too. But I also have, there's also a lot of things that are great about me. And then you can kind of start to have those, like, you know, subconscious reminders that you do have these positive attributes. And That you're not always being rejected. And this can really help you to, to keep moving forward with this stuff.
The third thing is neutralizing and normalizing. And this kind of works in with the awareness. So if you are ahead of the game and you know that these things are going to happen, like if you know you're somebody who always thinks that people don't like you. I'm raising my hand. This has been my, my like strongest experience through life that I just cannot, I could never understand why I always thought people didn't like me.
Now I can go into settings like that where previously I would be like, I don't want to do this. People are going to be like, she's weird. I, why is she here? But now I can think, you know what, it is so normal for me to think this way. And. I'm not in danger. Nothing bad is going to happen to me. I have ADHD. I experience RSD.
And it makes sense that my brain is doing this, but I am okay. So just developing that awareness of the times when this might happen to you. So if you are working with a coach or if you are you know, in some kind of group setting, or if you're going out to, to go to the gym for the first time, or if you're, you know, whatever the case may be, you just, like, tell yourself ahead of time, you know what, I might feel this way, and it totally makes sense.
And it's almost like you're, you're gamifying it, because then when it happens, you can be like, yep, I knew this would happen. I'm so smart. And so just another thing, like, to do with that is that Dan Siegel, He called, like, it's naming a feeling reduces its impact on us, and he calls it name it to tame it.
Like, if you identify that feeling, and you name it, and, like, get it out there and know that it's happening, it loses a lot of its power. So this is just a way for you to, like, get that rejection sensitivity, like, out of the way and less, I mean, you can't eliminate it, but at least to make it less powerful for you.
The fourth thing is remembering times that you have persevered through discomfort in the past. So if, I know something might, it might be hard for you to think back on times that you've done this, but I've got one for you. You've lived your whole life. So far with RSD, and guess what, you're still here! You made it through!
So I already know that you can persevere through discomfort. Like, if you can think back to times that you've done this before and really give yourself a leg up, I mean, it's similar to reinforcing your strengths, but just to notice that you are so capable of these things. You are so capable. You can totally do this.
And that can help you to, to get through these times when you might feel like you're experiencing rejection. The fifth, fifth, oh, the fifth thing, I can't speak. The fifth thing is self compassion. So, Just, I mean, you have to remember that sensitivity, it's an attribute, it's a trait, it's the way that you are.
It's not bad. You don't need to be less sensitive. And just allow yourself to experience the feelings that you do and let them flow through you. And I mean, it's, it's, again, this is similar to neutralizing and normalizing it, but just don't be hard on yourself. Like, we are, we are so hard on ourselves, but if you can just give yourself a little bit of self compassion you're going to get through these times a lot better.
And the last thing is self care, self care. And I mean real self care, I don't mean like bubble baths and like pedicures and stuff like that. I mean like taking care of yourself. What do you need? Do you need rest? Give yourself some rest if you can. I know it's not easy for everybody, but self care is going to reduce.
Your anxiety and your stress and those are the things that are going to exacerbate your RSD. If you're like, if you are sleep deprived, if you are really anxious, if you're really stressed out, you're going to experience the RSD a lot more than you normally would. I mean, it's just the same as emotional dysregulation.
You know, we experience that so much more when we haven't been taking care of ourselves. So just take care of yourself. You know, take care of yourself, have some grace, have some compassion, all of these things. So yes, you experience this. And yes, it does show up in ways throughout your, you know, potentially your weight loss journey, your whatever you're doing to try to improve your health, your life, anything.
But you can absolutely find ways to cope with it and help yourself to get through it and achieve your goals. You can totally do it. I know you can. So If this has resonated with you, please feel free to reach out with me, reach out to me. Let me know if you have questions about anything. If you want to talk, tell me about how this has shown up for you.
I would love to hear it. And I will talk to you guys next week.