NEW Book Review Series-The Book That Will Change Everything You Knew About Relationships

Welcome to the first episode of book review series! (recorded in July)

This first week I am reviewing the Introduction & Chapter 1 of You are the One You've been Waiting For by Dr. Richard Schwartz. This book will change everything you thought you new about romantic relationships!

In this episode I cover:

Brief overview of the concepts in Internal Family Systems (IFS)

-protectors, exiles & Self

The 3 projects we take in on in intimate relatioships

The importance of the Self

Cultural & Gender implications that impact parts and expectations of intimate relationships

Reflection Questions:

1- What parts of me show up most in my intimate relationship?- do protectors like criticism, withdrawal, caretaking, people pleasing or control show up?

2-When do I feel most connected to my Self:

(calm, curious, connected, compassion, clarity, courage, confidence, creativity)

3- Do I carry the expectation that my parter or future partner will "fix, compete or rescue me."

4-What does it feel like to imagine that my core Self is always present even if hidden?

Get this book: available on Kindle, Audible and Paperback

https://a.co/d/8It64Xd

[Raquel is an IFS level 1 trained therapist but is not affiliated directly with this book, or the IFS institute. This book review series is purely for educational purposes based on her experience as a couples and IFS therapist and her personal joy of reading] 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:48

I have been using internal family systems with clients for the past two years. I have um two different trainings in IFS and I'm actually starting level one next week. And uh just using this model has completely changed my work with clients. It's also changed how I show up you know as an individual and especially in my relationship. And so this book is kind of holds the key in many ways to understanding why we do the things we do in relationships and why there can be so much internal conflict and why maybe we get stuck in the same patterns repeatedly. So we are reading You Are the One You've Been Waiting For by Dr. Richard Schwartz. He is the founder of Internal Family Systems. He has written many other books, and I'm happy to chat about recommendations. If some of you are new to IFS and you want to dive a little bit further into the model, we can talk about readings that will help you understand it in a deeper way. But for now, I will kind of go over the basics of IFS just to kind of remind us all and you know, maybe share information with with you that you may not realize about it, and so we can all be on the same page. So internal family systems will refer to that as IFS. So IFS is a therapy model that was created by Richard Schwartz, and he um through his work with clients began to see that our minds are made up of subpersonalities or different parts, and each of these parts have distinct feelings, thoughts, and roles in our lives. The parts often develop in response to life experience, especially early wounds. And at the core of all of us, we have what he refers to as capital S self. The self is a centered, compassionate presence, it can guide internal healing. Therapy with IFS helps clients access the self so that we can then build relationships with the parts, unburden their wounds, and restore balance. Okay, so you know, when a person experiences emotional pain, trauma, or wounding, particularly in childhood, parts of that person absorb those painful feelings and memories. These are the vulnerable parts in all of us, referred to as exiles. They carry burdens of shame, fear, grief, worthlessness, unlovability. And they're pushed away from conscious awareness because that pain feels overwhelming to the system. So to keep exiles from flooding the system with all of those emotions, we have protectors. And there are two types of protectors referred to as managers. Okay, these are the proactive parts. They want to prevent the pain of the exile from being triggered. So this might show up as perfectionism, people pleasing, hypervigilance, control, or having that inner critic. The other type of protector are called firefighters. Okay, these protectors are reactive, so they jump in when an exile does get triggered, and firefighters try to numb or distract from the pain, often through impulsive behaviors like substance use, dissociation, rage, spending, binge eating, cutting, even you know, suicidal thoughts would be considered a firefighter. So both of these types of protectors are trying to keep the system safe from the intensity of the exile's pain. But they do this in a way that can be problematic or self-sabotaging. So through IFS, we access our capital L self so that we can approach protectors with compassion, earn their trust, and then safely access and heal the exiles. Once we can unburden these exiles, protectors can relax and take on healthier roles in our lives. So I just want to pause and really make sure, you know, that sinks in. I want you to sort of think about you and your daily life and how you are at work, right? Are you super on task? Are you achievement driven? Are you um really organized? Are you perfectionist or a people pleaser? You know, how is that inner critic voice in your mind? You know, even when you do something really well, do you tell yourself, oh, you just got lucky? You know, you actually are kind of a piece of shit, right? That would be a manager trying to prevent you from taking risks that might lead you to be hurt and create vulnerability in you. So as we move on to, you know, what this book is about in you are the one you've been waiting for. You know, Dr. Schwartz wants us to realize that we're not gonna find, you know, our our magic love and our healing in somebody else. And he talks about how we're kind of conditioned as a society to look for a person to complete us, to heal us, right? What he's trying to say is, hey, we all have a core self, and this is an innate, compassionate, and wise presence in all of us. And if we can access that, then it can produce healing both internally and in relationship. He says, no matter how troubled or traumatized a person is, the self is still there, undamaged and capable of healing. So he goes on to say that our internal parts, especially protective ones, will shape how we relate to ourselves and others, particularly in intimate relationships. He says we inevitably bring all our parts into relationships, and if they remain burdened, they will interfere. So he challenges our cultural belief that another person will complete us and says, you know, instead, this is an internal job. If we can reconnect with ourselves and heal our parts, we can show up differently in relationships. So he says intimate partners can become the catalyst for healing, but only if we can remain in self when interacting with each other. And I will say I have noticed a huge difference in my own relationship when I can realize when a protective part is showing up and I'm maybe getting defensive or I'm getting insecure. And then I can ask that part to just take a step back, let it know it's gonna be okay. I know why it's there, it's a young part of me, it's just desiring love, desiring safety, but that the self can take over, and I will then address my partner in a way that is highly receivable by them. So it's a matter of really getting to know your internal system, and that's why I love it so much because once clients or once people stop projecting blame outward or projecting blame onto themselves, thinking that as a whole they are unlovable, and they see it as oh, this part of me thinks I'm unlovable based on this early wounding, and therefore, you know, I can actually heal that part. Uh, it just creates such tremendous growth. So, in the introduction of this book, he you know describes examples of certain couples, how parts get activated in relationships. He talks about how partners can trigger both exiles and protectors. So when these exiles get activated in relationships, the protectors come in, and that might look like attacking your partner, withdrawing from your partner, criticizing them, or caretaking them. He says couples often blame each other for the pain their exiles feel when in reality these wounds actually existed long before the partner showed up. And I can attest to that, you know, being a couples therapist, when you know I see something active in the room and in the relational dynamic, I want to know like how how old is this part in you feel? How how how long has this wound you're describing been there? And if a if a person can really sit with that, they're like, oh, it's been here a long time, and and my partner is now activating it, right? Not that my partner has created this in me. So he talks about you know protectors that battle each other and how a critical part may trigger another's withdrawn or defensive part, and that then reactivates the first person's fear of abandonment or rejection in exile, which triggers more criticism or control. So this is a feedback loop. So one partner gets triggered, and the critic shows up and it starts criticizing the other partner. You never do the dishes, you don't care, you're always on your phone, you're you're just you're not in this relationship as much as I am. The other partner then might defend themselves or withdraw from the other. And then the first person who's saying, Hey, you never do this or that, their fear of abandonment or rejection, which is an exile, gets activated. But because that pain is too vulnerable for the system, the system will then criticize and control even more. I hope this is kind of making sense. You know, as a therapist who's trained in emotionally focused therapy, we look at the negative interaction cycle, right? Of exactly what he just described here. It's just that in this model, we're looking at this is a part of you that showed up and getting a little more detailed into why there is criticism and control versus withdrawal, as opposed to just knowing the dynamic and kind of separating it from the relationship itself. So it's really important we chat about the three projects that he says we all kind of get into in relationships. So the first is the belief that if only my partner would change, then I would feel better. So this is when we try to fix, change, or control our partners to ease our own discomfort or or meet unmet needs. So has there ever been a time in a relationship where you've wanted to, oh, if only they did it this way, if only they could do this instead, if only they showed me more affection, if only they you know responded a certain way, you're trying to change them, thinking that will help the relationship. The second project is the belief that if only I could fix myself, become better looking, less needy, more confident, then my relationship would improve. So this is about changing the person, changing you know, the self, changing me in order to help you like me more. This stems from shame-based parts that see us as the problem that need to be fixed. And the third is the belief that I just need to leave this partner and find someone better, someone who will finally make me happy. This is driven by parts that believe happiness comes from finding the right person. This part can also stay in the relationship, but completely check out of it. So he says, all three projects are distractions driven by protectors and exiles. When the real solution is to U-turn inside of you, access the self, and heal those parts carrying the wounds and burdens so that we can relate to partners from a place of wholeness. So I want to pause here and just kind of digest everything that was just said. I want to make sure, you know, this is landing well, that parts are making sense, that maybe you've started to notice some of this in your own relationships or lives. And so I would challenge you with the following questions. What parts of me show up most in my relationship? Do you tend to lead with protectors like criticism, withdrawal, caretaking, or control? Next question: When do you feel most connected to self? It's important to add that there are eight qualities of self that Dr. Schwartz identifies, and they all are words that start with a C. So these are curiosity, calm, clarity, compassion, confidence, courage, creativity, and connectedness. So when do you feel most connected to self? Using those eight qualities or any number of those eight qualities? The next question is: Do I carry the expectation that my partner or future partner will fix or complete me? And what would shift if that responsibility belonged to my capital S self instead? Then the last question: what does it feel like to imagine that my core self is always present even if hidden? Does this resonate as hopeful, uncomfortable, or foreign? You know, when I got into the field of marriage and family therapy, I really believed that, you know, we have to love ourselves, right? Or you know, connect to ourselves before we can really connect with someone else. But I didn't fully understand what that meant until IFS language. Because you don't want to fully connect with a protective part, right? That's not that's not it. That's not gonna give you the relationship that you're seeking. And so I just want to invite you to be a little more aware of when you're in self-energy versus when you're protective. So in chapter one, uh Schwartz goes into some cultural implications of how Western culture is not set up for you know successful relationships, about how Americans are, you know, pretty image-based, materialistic, um, always striving, go, go, go, work harder, and we don't value the things that you know humans are used to, such as more community and connection and slowing down and and intimacy. And he talks about you know gender differences and how both genders, male and female, you know, assigned at birth, will exile certain parts of themselves based on societal um pressures. So, you know, men are socialized to favor protector parts that are more stoic and or aggressive or angry, where women might be conditioned to lead with caretaking or people-pleasing parts. And, you know, I see it often in the couples' therapy room where uh a male client, and and this is not just men, women also struggle with this. So I don't want to like get too deep in with gender here, but a lot of the time men will struggle with identifying what they feel and won't even be able to know the word. They'll just say, I'm frustrated. And you know, again, women often might go to frustration first too, depending on what parts of them we're exiled as children. So once you can see beneath that angry protective part, what more vulnerable part lives there? What more exiled part is there? And I do like how he talks about that. We expect, you know, in heterosexual relationships, women expect men to have emotional intelligence and be soft and nurturing and be stoic and assertive and you know, um, non-emotional at times as well, but culture does not or has not encouraged that emotional attunement in men from the jump, from boyhood, from childhood. And so I want to kind of open up a discussion about you know gender and and you know how we how we feel about this particular area. He has a quote saying, all of us, regardless of gender, have the same kind of parts, though different cultures may encourage some parts and discourage others, depending on whether you're a man, woman, or non-binary. So I do like that he you know added that in there because I get it's you know it's tough to kind of box someone into these gender norms. It's just looking at culture historically, I think those things make sense. He does also mention that he hasn't really worked a lot with LGBTQ clients or couples, and that he does believe this applies across the board to every relationship, and so I would really be curious if you are part of the LGBTQ community or if you are um someone who you know works with LGBTQ um couples, how you feel about what he's saying, and do you see protective parts show up? And you know, I would say because I do that, like I said before, women also lead with anger at times because they're not, you know, their vulnerable, nurturing, softer parts were completely exiled from the system, they were not allowed. So, you know, a large protective part is rage, is anger, and I think we need to remember that. Um, instead of you know considering it, oh, this means this partner is really bad because they're angry, it's more like what's coming up that this protector is is here. Okay, so that is a pretty basic summary of everything. This book has a lot of information in each chapter. So I hope that this helped just kind of get a gauge of where we're starting. And you know, the goal here is to view relationships a little differently and to learn to lead from self. And from leading with self, we can relate to our own parts and then we can relate to others. And by doing this, we can break reactive cycles in relationship and foster genuine connection. Again, I've seen the power of this in my own world. You know, I used to be very heavily attachment-based, and I still am, right? So I would look at it through the lens of, okay, this is a disorganized attachment style, an anxious attachment style, an avoidant attachment style, right? And I would look at myself and say, okay, when I'm experiencing anxiety in a relationship, this is the part of me that's very young and exiled and didn't feel loved. And so, or had to like fight for love, or had inconsistent love. And so the protector that shows up is the one who seeks reassurance all the time, right? Which inevitably drives a partner away because that's not what that's not confident, right? That's not calm or clear, those do not embody those self-qualities. And so, you know, he also talks about attachment theory and how it makes sense. It's just that we're not, we need to view it more in terms of different parts and access self energy. Um, which, no matter what attachment style you might have, we all have access to self energy.