Book Review Series- Chapter 2-Exiles- How our Wounded Younger Parts Influence Our Adult Relationships

Welcome to Episode 2 of my book review series! (originally recorded in July)

Today I review Chapter 2 of You Are the One You've Been Waiting For by Richard Schwartz: The Development and Power of Exiles. There is SO much depth in this chapter. Join me as I dive in to explain exiles with examples from the book as well as real life.

Grab a pen and paper because there is a LOT of powerful info in this episode!

This episode describes how our exiled parts can be activated within our intimate relationships and how they develop. 

A little about exiles:

Exiles are our most vulnerable and sensitive parts. They are created when we learn that being vulnerable isn't safe-  these childlike parts get locked away inside and they become exiles of our psyche. This is based on how caretakers and later, peers, respond to our sensitivity

Exiled parts are burdened by beliefs and emotions, such as “I’m not good enough, I’m worthless, I’m unloveable.” Protector parts want to keep these locked away so we don’t become overwhelmed by this pain.

Buried beneath our visible (protective) behavior in relationships such as how we respond to or start conflict, is an exiled part.

Questions to consider:

1-How did your family of origin / caretakers react to your vulnerability or sensitivity; AND how did their reactions affect the way you learned to relate to those parts of you?

2-Apply this same question to PEERS or PARTNERs

Get this book: available on Kindle, Audible and Paperback

https://a.co/d/8It64Xd

[Raquel is an IFS level 1 trained therapist but is not affiliated directly with this book, or the IFS institute. This book review series is purely for educational purposes based on her experience as a couples and IFS therapist and her personal joy of reading] 

Transcript

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Today we are covering chapter two, the development and power of exiles. And honestly, this chapter I feel like really like hit home for me and had just so much valuable content, and I can't wait to start chatting about it. So it basically begins by by sharing how exiles come to be, what even are exiled parts. Basically, these are parts of us that are vulnerable, that are unloved and banished. So they are convinced by messages from others and by the way that we treat them in the past that their only hope for finding the love they crave is in the outside world. Okay, so when we exile parts, it is typically because you know these exiles have learned that being vulnerable is not safe and they're childlike. So we lock these childlike parts away inside and make them exiles of our personality. This is based on how our caretakers respond to our sensitivity and also how peers can respond to our sensitivity a little bit later in life. Exiles aren't just childlike, but that's where they begin. And so our system pushes them out, okay, because they are the most sensitive parts of us, and they get really hurt by rejection, humiliation, trauma, and abandonment of our harsh environments. And then these parts trigger those around us. So they show up in our relationships because relationships equal vulnerability and fear of abandonment for these parts. Okay. So he in the book has this example of the magical kitchen, which I had to listen to a few different times because once you know what he's talking about, it makes a lot of sense. So he describes this magical kitchen, and the food that he's talking about in there is a metaphor for love. And the children in, you know, the kitchen in the home who are well fed, you know, have a beautiful life and can welcome in others who also feed or love their children really well, and they can build security in a family dynamic. Now, if the children don't have enough love, right, or in this case enough food, then they start becoming whiny, upset, hungry, they cry, they beg for food. Please find someone who will bring us food, aka love. And these are again our oops, these are our internal parts who felt unloved and therefore are yearning, begging, you know, acting out for love. And so the parent in this metaphor locks those whiny, you know, upset, yearning, starving children in the basement, which would be the exiled part of us. But in this metaphor, it's the basement. And then older children, aka our protective parts, have to keep them at bay. So what was good about this metaphor too is is he he showed what happens in abusive dynamics a few different times actually, where these you know children in the basement are so unloved they're starving. And the protective parts just want them to stop, you know, begging for love and food. And so when someone comes along and offers, you know, a little bit of love, in this uh example he uses like candy, you know, the parts like latch onto that and take what they can get, um, even if the person distributing it is abusive, cruel, you know, it doesn't matter, they're they're finally getting fed, right? And then they become addicted to the rush of the sugar of the candy, and they just want more and more, and they you know that's the focus is is I is wanting more and more rather than you know realizing that this is harmful because the craving for love slash food is so primal and strong, and he's saying that's you know a reason why people often stay in these abusive relationships, and he goes into that further, um, which I really liked how he explained this because if adults are in relationships with abusive individuals and they experienced abuse as kids, they're looking for redemption from the original abuser, right? And they get addicted to those fleeting good moments in between abuse and believe they deserve the mistreatment when it occurs. So for those who say, hey, just leave that person who's hurting you, well, it doesn't make, it doesn't fully land, right? Because, well, abuse was part of their upbringing, right? And so we seek redemption from ways in which we've been hurt. We want it from that original abuser, so say dad. We want that redemption from our dad. We want dad to say, I love you, and be there for us, instead of harming us. Yet we don't find people who just offer love. We find people who offer harm in the same way dad or that original abuser did. And when there's any good moments there, we feel like that's redemption. And if they're cruel or harmful to us, well, we decide like that's just must have been because I deserved it. Okay, and so it is very cyclical and it is not as easy as, oh, I'll just get up and leave. Okay, so I kind of went off there, but what he is saying about exiles here is that you need to become the primary caretaker of your parts instead of seeking that caretaking from the outside world. So if this exiled part can be loved instead of banished, it will actually enhance intimate relationships. When this happens, partners won't feel emotional dependence when your parts are unintentionally neglected. So, for instance, if you're in a relationship and it seems like your partner's not reaching out to you, and you get that feeling of neglect inside, instead of parts seeking comfort from that person in a rather dependent and emotionally intense and demanding way, the parts will first look to self. They'll look to you for comfort, and you'll be able to offer that. So the parts will stay calm and not panic when a partner distances because, again, they have enough love from you. They also won't fear being hurt when the partner gets too close. They will also allow your partner to be who they are rather than make them into the image of a person they've been dreaming of. A partner can be vulnerable in the way your exiles are, and you'll be able to comfort that instead of banishing their vulnerability. So this one is like a really, I've started because I'll get back to it, but and when they're angry, you won't get defensive since your inner critic is quiet and not agreeing with them, further fueling this negativity you feel about yourself, which you will then defend. So let's unpack that a little bit. Exiled parts when loved by you and accepted by you. So when you can accept your vulnerabilities, your rejections, your hurts, your wounds, they will stay calm and not distance, or I'm sorry, not panic if a partner distances. Now, this is literally something I experienced uh this weekend, and I'll go into it a little bit with my partner, where I felt just a distance from him, and I was sort of watching this unfold because you know I have all this knowledge about IFS and I'm seeing it unfold in my own system where I didn't hear from him, and I start feeling this urge to crash out on him. Like, why aren't you talking to me? What is your problem? How do you think that's okay? Right, just this intensity and and and demanding that he makes that exile part in me that was clearly being triggered. Panic, right? It's saying, Oh my gosh, are you taking love away from me? Are you are you taking food away from me? Am I going to starve again? And it was really challenging for me for that exile to turn to self-recomfort. I, you know, that was not, I tried really hard. Now I never did crash out, so that is a big step. So I was doing a lot of like internal dialogue and reflection there, but I know that could be an even stronger relationship between self and my exiled parts. And so, you know, that was just a prime example for me. So when I read this, I'm like, oh my gosh, this just happened. Another one is a lot of adults fear being hurt when a partner gets really close. So though they want they want closeness, when they feel that happening, this fear is very strong, and so they'll pull away. And when we can love that part that's afraid, they won't any longer fear others hurting them just because they're close. Allowing someone to be who they are is huge, right? Rather than making them into the image of the person your exiles dreamed of. This is one for me because as uh a child there were a lot of fantasies around like the perfect partner, the man who was gonna come along and save me and give me all the love I needed and make my life whole, right? That was literally my fantasy. And so when you meet someone and of course they're not aligning exactly with that image and fantasy because that's not real, you try to change them into who you think they need to be. So I think this is really huge where if exiles are loved, you can accept your partners just for who they are. Now, I'm not saying accept certain behavior, right? But there is a communication that can take place when you're hurt by them. Another thing, so this is what I want to circle back to. This happens in therapy all the time. A partner, when they are vulnerable with you, if it's in the same way that your exiled parts are vulnerable, you will likely respond harshly. So if they are emotional or they are sad or seeking comfort, you might be very put off by that. You might get the ick by that because your exiles experience that and that icks you out. And instead, when we can accept and love our exiles, we can comfort vulnerability in others. Like really sit and think about how do you respond to vulnerability in others? You know, when you see it on TV, when you experience it in a relationship, is it off-putting? Does it make you uncomfortable? Um is it hard for you to comfort that vulnerability? And if it is, I I invite you to get curious about the exiled part that hasn't been able to receive comfort when they're vulnerable. And I like this one too: of, you know, your partner's angry. You can see and hear their anger for what it is instead of becoming defensive because your inner critic is not so loud, right? It's not ganging up on you with the partner, you know, agreeing with all the negative things they're saying, which makes you double down. So when you can love all of your parts, you can love all of your partner's parts that mimic your parts, and that is again, that's what I kind of asked you to focus on. You know, what are the parts of your partner that you don't love so much? Are some of those vulnerable? You know, is it angry part? And I invite you to get curious about which of your exiled parts do their parts mimic. Going on, he says, how you relate internally affects how you relate externally. I believe that wholeheartedly. I see it all the time. How you feel about yourself or some of your wounded parts are going to show up in how you feel about a partner. When partner, when your partner acts like someone from your past, this activates an unhealed wound. And if you are unhealed, right, you'll speak from your parts, meaning you'll blend with them, you'll be, you'll attack, you'll criticize, you'll demand. But when you can love those exiles, you can actually speak for them when you're triggered about your past. Going on, he says intimacy problems are driven by a background ache, a sense of emptiness or pool of shame. If we act it out as children, and that triggers parts of our parents that have no patience, right? So, parents, I'm a parent, I notice this often. If we have a part that has no patience for parts of our kids, we could criticize them, rage, withdraw affection, or give harsh punishment. Okay, and therefore the child learns to fear and loathe this exiled part. So I want you to think about upbringing. I have an example that's that came up to me really, it was really interesting. When I was like six, I used to perform. Like I would sing and I would dance, and I had no problem getting up in front of like everybody in my family, right? Or, you know, and and do a little and sing a song. And there was one event where it was like my mom's cousin, so he was an adult, grown man, and I was about to get up and sing, and he said something that was like, oh, she's not gonna do it. Something like that. And I remember just like collapsing inward, feeling embarrassed, feeling self-conscious for the very first time, and I don't I don't think it was that that he said I'd have to really reflect, but it was something that triggered in me, like, oh, maybe I can't do it, which really wasn't there before. I was pretty confident, right? I was pretty courageous. I I didn't perform, I like sat with my mom and just was pretty sad and embarrassed, and that became an exiled part, and I had stage fright or difficulty auditioning performing in front of others literally thereafter, and so I exiled that part. I didn't like it at all because I'm like, oh, why do I have this stage fright? Why can't I just be confident, right? And so instead of loving that part of me, I just banished it and I hated it. So again, you know, we he says we adopt families' attitudes toward these parts of us and exile them. So if you were considered too selfish, oh you're just a show-off. That was definitely something I heard. If you had a lot of exuberance as a child, or even you know, sexuality, we will then adopt those attitudes toward the parts of us. He goes into three reasons your exile you exile these precious parts. One, your vulnerability bothered your caretakers or peers. Two, your vitality disturbed caretakers and peers. And your vulnerable, lively parts were hurt and became extreme due to hurt and triggered people. In the first two examples, where either your vulnerability or vitality disturbed your caretakers or peers, the exiles feel rejected and unlovable. Do you have any, you know, core activations around feeling rejected or unlovable? I absolutely do. So at a certain point, it was either vulnerability or vitality that disturbed my caretakers or peers. And definitely I remember it with peers as I got a little older. But I do also remember it even in just that one example I gave, and there were others, but that one stood out of say vitality, like you know, performance and excitement that bothered someone. They had to make a stupid, rude comment to a six-year-old, um, because you know, he had unhealed parts, right? But that led to exiling my vitality in that way, in the sense of you know, performing. So, a question here: how did your family react to your vulnerability? And how did their reactions affect the way you learned to relate to those parts of you? This is a really big question. Okay, this would be a question I would ask in a therapy assessment. How did your family react to your vulnerability? And how did their reactions affect the way you learned to relate to those parts of you? So exiles are desperate to be rescued. Okay, they carry extreme beliefs about what love is, whether they are worthy of it, and who they must get it from, as well as whether it will last. For some, love can mean the overwhelming responsibility of taking care of someone else. Love can mean danger or threat, or love can mean sacrificing your dreams for someone else. So it's really important to find out like what does love actually mean to you? Nowhere in there does it say love is safety, right? Because when we have exiled parts, they take on extreme beliefs about love and question their worthiness of it and who must they get it from. So that part is really important. And like I was saying earlier, they feel they must get it from the person or someone like the person who originally hurt them. So why do we seek emotionally unavailable partners? Well, because you're seeking redemption from your emotionally unavailable parent. And it will only make sense, it will only work if you can get that love from an emotionally unavailable person, a person whose parts mimic that of your parent. Going on to say, you know, about self-esteem. So what people call self-esteem is really a sense of security that one was valued as a child and is likely to survive. So he talks about basic survival of humans. And if your caregiver seems to like you, you might survive. If they don't like you, you're doomed. Think of infants. You know, and this can carry into adulthood. If you felt unwanted, unloved, you will imagine that you will be, you know, carry this sense of doom. Nobody will ever love you. You know, it will never happen for you. You don't deserve it, you're worthless, things like that. The message of being unlovable comes from a few different things. So, one, if your parent views you as only being valuable as something other than yourself, children will learn that if they continue to play that role, they will survive. If parent objectifies you as unwanted, child blames themselves for creating this in their parent. They will search for a way to please, but never can. And they will put a wall around their hearts. And the third is an accidental interpretation of events, and children blame themselves for the events. That would be when a parent, you know, parents get divorced and you accidentally interpret that as being your fault. Okay? So if you believe you're unlovable, you will have fears of this being confirmed by being rejected and keeping distance from those who try and get close. On the other hand, if you believe you're unlovable, other people become narcissists, constantly trying to fill the bottomless pit of worthlessness with the attention of and accolades of others. So I love IFS because, you know, being a narcissist, say, isn't pathologized in a way. It's looked at as this extreme belief of being unlovable that is met with constantly trying to fill that pit. So seeking the attention and accolades of others is the only way your exile gets any semblance of feeling loved or good enough. And that again becomes extreme in the form of narcissistic behavior. So another, he says, you will search for redemption from your original caretaker. I kind of reviewed that already. So the one who led you to feel unloved, you will seek someone who resembles that. Again, if if I'm going with dad again, if dad was emotionally unavailable and you you felt unloved, or you only felt loved when you would play this role, right? The good student, the pretty daughter, um, you know, the good kid, the performer, right? So the the value about you was the thing, something that wasn't truly yourself. It wasn't just for being you, it was if you were pretty, say. So if you can continue to be pretty in life, you'll survive just fine. That's the belief of the exile. And if you felt unwanted, you just become a people pleaser or completely walled up. And so you, if that's the need of the exile, the partner you choose, you will try to do all the things for them, but deep down you don't feel wanted by them. So exiles believe that if you can get that original person to love you, then maybe the exile isn't so bad after all. Like maybe it can start liking itself, right? Maybe we can like our exiles if we can finally get that person who didn't love us to finally love us, right? And so it's sort of this endless hamster wheel. And the other outlet for this is finding activities or substances to distract from that unlovability. So think about that. If you feel unlovable, and you know, on the one hand, you're searching for redemption from someone that's just like your original caretaker, you may also try to distract from that feeling by seeking activities or substances. At the end of the chapter, he talks about trailheads and how, if we notice a trigger in our relationships, this should be looked at as a trailhead to its original source, and we should get curious about where that particular exile is stuck. So exiles are stuck in the past, right? They're stuck in those moments of being unloved, being rejected, moments of trauma. And when you are in a relationship, think about what is it that triggers me most? And then get curious. Like, okay, I could see this as a trailhead. This is going to lead me somewhere to where this came from. And when we know where it came from, we can help release that stuck part, release the burdened, extreme beliefs of the exiles, of being worthless, unloved. So I this was kind of in depth today. Like, exiles are so critical in understanding our behavior and relationships, our feelings in relationships, and our triggers. And so I hope that this helped shed some light. I hope you take notice of what the exiled parts of you might be and notice how you initially feel toward them, right? Like, do you feel, oh gosh, I'm so I can't stand this part of me. I wish I had, like, I wish I didn't have stage for it. So think about that. Is that what the exile really needs? Did the child need to hear? God, you're so stupid for having this fear. Absolutely not. That's just going to intensify the fear. So, again, thank you so much for listening, and I will see you next week when we dive into chapter three.