Why Your Boss Thinks You're Fine..Even When You're Not

In this episode Zenica discusses a unique challenge faced by black women in the workplace; the gap between their internal struggles and external perceptions. She also explores how cultural conditioning leads to emotional suppression. This episode emphasizes the importance of recognizing and addressing these issues to reclaim power and improve workplace dynamics.

Ready stop playing "fine" and actually become "exceptional?" Let's plan your very own VIP Day and Detox from Overwork. 

Chapters

00:00 Introduction to the Silent Struggle
02:50 Understanding the Superwoman Schema
05:31 The Impact of Emotional Suppression
10:01 The Consequences of Performing Fine
13:22 Reflection and Moving Forward

Transcript

Zenica (00:03)
What's good disruptors? Welcome back to the Dare to Disrupt podcast where we help overworked, overlooked, and just quite frankly over it, working women reclaim their power so that they can truly maximize their impact. And today we're going to be talking about a topic that I know many women, particularly black women struggle with in the workplace. And that is the gap between how you're actually feeling and how everyone else around you thinks that you're feeling, including your boss. But before we get into it, I have to tell you about my favorite new show.

It's called Reasonable Doubt, it's on Hulu. And let me just tell you, if you are not watching Reasonable Doubt yet, you definitely wanna tune in. I can't wait for season three. But it's centered around the main character is Jax, and she is a criminal attorney, a criminal defense attorney. And what I find so unique about Jax, and probably a reason why I love the show, is because they show Jax in...

many different compromising positions. But I mean, there are times when Jax is just suffering from a full on like anxiety attack. I mean, she's in the almost in the fetal position in her office and someone will come in, knock on the door and say, hey, I think your client needs you. And next thing you know, next scene Jax is full on makeup clean, hair, hair fix ready to go. And I think why this show resonates with me so much is because I see so much of myself.

and my friends and the other black women who raised me in Jax because she is such a realistic character, right? How many of us are just like Jax on the outside? We're professional, we're poised, we are bringing it every day, we're ready to go, but on the inside, we are tired, exhausted, anxious, confused, and really sometimes close to just breaking down on a regular basis. But everyone else around us

thinks that we're doing just fine. And that is not a coincidence, my friend. It's actually a pattern. And over the course of this episode and several others behind it, I'm gonna be breaking down what happens, what is the trap of fine? What does it look like when we are just performing fine? But this is actually not a coincidence. It is a pattern and it's rooted in expectation, bias, and survival. And so that's what we're gonna unpack.

over the course of this series of podcast episodes. But I want to start with something that I call the ⁓ silent struggle. I remember I was having a conversation with several of my other coaching friends and I was really making the case for the work that I'm doing now and why I thought it was so important to work with women who are recovering from just workplace related harm, disengaged, overworked, overlooked.

And I remember saying to my colleagues that I thought that this work was important because we often hear that people are struggling or suffering in silence. And I said, guys, I don't think that black women are suffering in silence. I think that black women are suffering in silos. We are very vocal with each other about the harm that we experience in the workplace, the struggles that we have in the workplace, the issues that we have in the workplace. But we're just not as vocal in sharing that back in the spaces where

we can really impact change. And a lot of that is cultural. There's cultural conditioning for black women that tells us, and if you've listened to this podcast for a while, you've heard me talk about this body of work called the Superwoman Schema. And it is a framework that tries to look at how black women cope with stress, are stressing, stress coping mechanisms, and how that then translates into our physical health and the physical health impacts.

that black women specifically deal with. so inside of this framework, of the first tenets of the Superwoman framework is an obligation to show strength followed by an obligation to suppress emotions. So culturally, we have this over, this growing need to show up and only exhibit strength while also suppressing all other.

And when you look at the framework even further, what you find, because they always want to know, when did this happen? How did this happen? We are taught that from our foremothers. So that those traits of always presenting a strong, then suppressing emotions, not wanting to be vulnerable, those things are passed down to us over time. you know, there's other bodies of work that talks about how that comes from slavery. We know that one of the biggest

reasons why slaves would be reprimanded or disciplined was for talking back. So ⁓ there is a body of work that says that we were taught this trait because it was safer to be silent. But there's also in the workplace, workplaces don't want us to show emotion. So I'm sure you've heard the term, you know, check your emotions at the door. And so what does that mean?

Emotions are what makes us human. So if I'm checking my emotions at the door, I'm checking my humanity at the door. That opens, I oftentimes say, I feel like people checking their humanity at the door was the reason why I was able to be bullied so freely and no one ever came to my defense. When we check our emotions at the door, we check our humanity along with it. And so that means that we're not really listening to ourselves. We're not listening to our internal compass.

that guides us in the workplace. But we also know as black women that our emotions, so when I say workplaces don't want us to be emotional, we know that our emotions and our expression of emotions are not perceived in the same way as our counterparts. We all know what happens to us or what happens when, unfortunately, you know what, I'm talking in circles and I need to just be real here. We know what happens when white women cry in the office. The whole office stops.

and we forget what the issue at hand, what are we actually discussing because now we all have to rally around making sure that the white woman stops crying and we get into this posture of comfort. However, if black women display emotion, it's often misread and miscategorized as something else. Our expression of emotion can be miscategorized as angry. Our expression of passion can be miscategorized as too aggressive. So workplaces are not really trained.

to deal with us and deal with our emotions. And they're not trained to deal with anybody's emotions. So let me be clear, workplaces have not traditionally been a space where anybody's been trained on how to deal with the human element of working together in the workplace. And so that's why there's such a strong...

That's why there's such a strong sense of there's such a strong push right now around emotional intelligence in the workplace because workplaces are finally starting to realize that we have to teach our leaders how to deal with the human elements and the human side of people that work that we're not just machines that can turn off our emotions so that there's such a strong push now in the workplace for emotional intelligence, but I want to make sure that I'm clear in saying this.

If you are a woman who's listening to this podcast and in this space, you probably already have one up on emotional intelligence because we know that we typically tend to understand our emotions a little bit better. And if you're not, if you're listening to this podcast and you heard me say that, you're not, well, maybe I'm not a woman who's in tuned in into that stick around because I often offer tips and tools on how to really tap into how to listen to your emotions. And that's especially

important for my sisters who are listening to the podcast because we've been taught for so long to not tap into our emotions, to not pay attention to our emotions, to not let our emotions slow us down, but they really serve as a compass for us and for our intuition in guiding our decision making processes. So that's the second point that I want to make is overall workplaces, they don't want our emotion. They haven't trained anybody in the workplace to deal with emotions. And so,

What often happens for us is your silence and your strength are often misread as satisfaction. So here's what that looks like. And when you talk about being in a workspace, here's what that looks like. It looks like this. Your managers see your silence as satisfaction, your competence as capacity, and your lack of complaints as no problems. So what that translates into is I have an employee who is satisfied

doesn't give me any problems and is always available for more. They always have the capacity for more. That's what that translates into. And so here's the issue with that is that being silent in these tools that we have used to get us to this particular point are also the tools that are making us miserable. They're also the tools that are causing us to feel overworked and overlooked and nearing burnout.

And just because these things have protected us, just because they've been a protection mechanism for us in the past does not mean that they are sustainable ways of working. I want to be clear in saying that. And you're not wrong or crazy if you feel overworked and overlooked, but the thing is we've been trained to function in this way. We've been trained.

to exhibit the feeling of fine. We've been trained to act like and look like we're fine, even when things are falling apart. And we have done a darn good job at it. We are all jacks. Right? And so, and the kicker to this is that our workplaces have traditionally rewarded this behavior until we burn out. And when we burn out,

These same workplaces that we have overworked ourselves for, that we have ignored our families for, that we have pushed ourselves to the point of burnout for, these same work environments will be the first environments to say, well, we didn't know. She never said anything. Because they don't want to be liable for you having a mental episode. They don't want to be liable for you being burnt out. And they definitely don't want to be liable for you having any health concerns.

as a result of the way that you're working. So these same workplaces will be the first places to say, well, you didn't say anything.

And so before we get to that point, before we can actually get to the point where we're honest with our bosses and honest in the spaces that we work, we have to be honest with ourselves. And so this is a point in the podcast where you can stop and have a point of reflection. I'm going to call it the question of the week for right now, but it really is a point of reflection. want you to get your journal out and I want you to really think about where in your work week, where in your work week,

Are you performing fine even when you don't feel fine?

That is your reflection question for the week. Where in my work week, where in your work week have you been performing fine, even when you don't feel fine? And once you are at a place where you're honest with yourself, then we can start being honest with the people around us. And now I get it, we don't need to tell everybody everything because I understand the implications of why we don't share, overshare in the workplace. But here's a little ⁓ small action that you can take that you can just try on for size.

The next time someone asks you how you're doing, instead of performing and performatively being fine, girl, I'm good. Why don't you just start with, you know, I'm doing the best that I can today.

I'm doing the best that I can today. I'm doing my best today.

It doesn't overshare. It just says, you know what? I might not be fine. Maybe I've been fine every other day until now, but today I'm actually just doing the best. I'm doing my best today, Sarah. Thanks for asking.

and really start to be honest with yourself and the people around you. And so keep this in mind. If your boss and everybody else around you thinks that you're fine, the reason they might think that is because you have done such a good job of making them believe that to the point where you've started to believe your own stuff. But if everybody else around you thinks that you're fine, it's probably because you've done a darn good job of convincing them that you are.

even if you aren't.

So make sure you get, spend some time with the reflection question for today. And if you are ready to feel supported, if you're ready to move past performative fine and you want someone to walk with you, then DM me the word detox. And ⁓ that will be my cue to send you some information to schedule a call with me where we will talk about the personalized overwork detox day that I have with clients where this is.

This is just a luxurious day for you. It's a time away from everything else for you to get clear, for you to take some time and step away and understand why you're working the way that you're working. And then we will come up with a personalized plan. You'll be able to ask all your questions so that you won't leave confused, but you'll be able to ask all your questions. We'll put together a personalized plan for you to start to step away and unravel.

yourself from overworking and work from a place where you're actually reclaiming your own power using your own energy and maximizing your impact throughout the day. So if that is for you, send me a DM on Instagram or LinkedIn, DM me the word detox and I will send you the information to schedule a call to learn more. But make sure you come back next week because we're going to continue this series on the fine trap and I'm going to be talking about the mask we wear.

So we're gonna take off the mask and I will catch you guys right back here next week. Have a great week.