#35 - JOURNEY - Surrender and Trust... In This Economy? Why I'm Breaking Up With Australia

Episode #35 - Surrender and Trust... In This Economy? Why I'm Breaking Up With Australia

In this episode, I share my personal reflections on the economic challenges, systemic issues, and the struggle of living with a disability or autism in Australia. I discuss how trust, surrender, and navigating difficult circumstances have become key themes in my journey. If you’ve ever felt stuck or uncertain, this one’s for you.

🔗 Related Links: The full blog post with resources, references, and transcript can be found on my website.

Transcript

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Vanished near podcast summary. In the previous episode, I spoke about how I realised that I wanted to leave my life behind and go travel full time again. Now this comes with a lot of insecurity. A lot of fears came to the surface that were roadblocks to making this happen. And then all related to security. The truth is, it's really hard being autistic in Australia. Oh, delve into this more another episode, but it's relevant here. I just want to acknowledge that I've lived in a third world country before, so I understand white privilege. But there's a lot wrong with the disability sector in Australia. Without going into too much detail. My financial situation is problematic. I have autism, which people often don't realise when they meet me, but there is a lot of struggle behind the scenes and a lot of chronic illness that I just spent years recovering from. Because of this, I can't work a 9 to 5. I can work if it's on my own time and it's from home. But unfortunately, our work culture is not very flexible. As a result, I can't really find work. I have two degrees, one in science and one in journalism, and I can't use them because I can't find a job that allows me flexibility, so I'm stuck. The annoying thing is, is that I know that I'm capable. I know I'm smart and disciplined and hardworking and creative, but I'm reminded of the quiet. Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its entire life believing that it is stupid. And this is exactly how I feel. Australia has such a one dimensional, outdated and an inclusive concept of the workforce that it measures me as disabled and stupid against it. One of my boundaries with people is I can't be around people who want to project onto me a version of me that is more negative than who I feel I am, and that's exactly what I feel. Australia is doing to me right now. I know so many autistic people who are extremely smart, talented, creative, who have had this image reflected back to them that they are stupid, useless and a burden to society. And it breaks my fucking heart. It's actually stupid of Australia because being autistic has so many strengths. For example, it's associated with hyperfocus, attention to detail, analytical thinking, and a different perspective. High functioning autism also often have very high IQ, so I feel like the autism population is severely underutilised because society works against us instead of with us. The problem is that Australia keeps you trapped at the bottom of society, and then shames you for being there. On top of this, I have a hex debt of $62,000 this financial year. It went up 3500 dollars overnight when I was in high school. Student loans were marketed to us as being interest free, but now we're getting indexed at rates that many people can't even pay off because I don't earn enough. This is even when they're working a 9 to 5. The government made more money last year from indexing students than they did from taxing the fossil fuel industry. Now, because I can't work a 9 to 5, I'm not earning enough to pay off my hex debt. But every year it keeps going up and there's nothing I can do. So my plan is literally to let it die with me because what else am I meant to do? The education system is completely inconsiderate of disabled people who can't pay it off. This year I thought maybe I can go back to uni and study psychology, because that's a job that I can do from home and work my own hours on something that I'm interested in. I thought that would help me get out of my situation, but one unit at a university now costs $4,000. When I was at Monash in 2018, it was $1,200. So for me to do two years of study to become a psychologist would add at least another $100,000 to my student debt, and I would never be able to pay it off. Education is no longer accessible for everyone. This means I'm trapped in my situation. The other problem is that when you start making some money, it comes straight out of your Centrelink. And I understand the point in working to having your own independence. But the point I'm trying to make is that even if you do work harder, you just can't get out of your situation. It's like running on a treadmill. You stay in the same place you're stuck. This is amplified by the fact that I'm currently waiting to get on the Disability Support pension or the DSP. I applied for this in December 2023. I was told it would take three months to hear back. Six months later I was rejected. To qualify for DSP, you disability needs to score 20 points. Apparently my autism is only worth ten. They also completely disregarded some of my other chronic health conditions. So I put in an appeal with the help of my friend Rachel Thompson. Disability advocate and human rights lawyer who worked in the NDIS field helping people lodge appeals. I'm still waiting to hear back. It's now October, which means the process has taken me ten months and it's still not finished. On top of this, if you have applied for DSP, you are not allowed to work more than 15 hours a week or you are automatically disqualified. This is crazy because once you actually get approved, you're allowed to work 30 hours a week. This keeps you stuck and this is when you actually do have a significant diagnosis like autism on paper. I know so many people who are too sick to work, but they're not sick enough to be considered disabled. And so they're stuck living on JobSeeker, which you're not supposed to live off. The system keeps you debilitated. It is so hard to make plans of your life because you don't even know if you're going to get approved. You know, and on top of all of these, it is the constant casual disrespect, the constant invalidation of your problems. It wears you the fuck down. It just adds to this belief that you're worthless and a burden because we look like shit on paper. It really, really contributes to my depression. I know I'm speaking to so many people right now. I'm not even going to get into the process with the NDIS, another system which is completely broken. My friend Rachel wrote a journal article that was published about how the NDIS violates human rights. I really hope to have her on the podcast eventually and really delve into this, and I would really love to have Senator Jordan still John on the podcast as well. If you happen to listen to this, but the system is broken, and when I was going through the process for the NDIS, I literally said to my dad who was on some of the phone calls with me. I honestly believe the government is trying to get me to kill myself because they consider me a burden to the system. Now, my dad hates when I make jokes or say anything about suicide, but he cried. He said yep. People with autism in Australia are nine times more likely to commit suicide. This is part of the reason why now I do have help for my family and thank God because without that I would be out in the streets and it makes me really scared for the people who don't have that privilege. The cost of living is fucked. Gas is expensive. Food is ridiculous. I don't need to tell you. You know these. Every 2 to 3 months, I go through a pretty bad bout of depression where I just feel so scared and hopeless about my situation and my future, and then I have to work up the courage to try again. But deep down, I know it's hopeless and it gets harder and harder to get up. But this month I finally realised something. I realised that for the same money cost me to just get by in Australia. I could be living like a queen overseas and I could be living independently of my own money, because that part time work would be enough for me to get by. When I was living in Bali, like a local. I was living off $15 a day. So the worst comes to worst. I could be living comfortably in Bali for $200 a week. I've actually set my goals higher. My goal is to find some part time remote work, which offers more flexibility so I can travel through Europe and America. I consider myself to be very smart with money, and I will be smart about my travel plans. And I haven't given up on making a fortune one day. I'm just trying and different direction. I think what I've realised is the way that I have thought about my finances. My whole life is a model that just doesn't fit anymore. The model passed on from the older generation is to save money by house and then buy a second house. I just don't think that works anymore. This model is basically to stockpile money, and I don't blame the older generation for this, because they have the echoes of the war and the Great Depression in their ease from the generation above them, and it worked for them. But I don't think the model of buying multiple properties is a smart investment strategy anymore, because it's not possible for everybody to achieve it. Now, look, I don't know shit about commerce, okay? I'm sure there are so many blinders and holes to my logic, but from my point of view, it just seems so obvious that this isn't working anymore. There's just not enough houses for everybody to have these goals, and for everybody to be able to be rich. We need an economic perspective that gives everyone an opportunity to be rich. Russell wealth disparity will just keep growing. Now, I'm not telling the older generation to sell their second or third houses. I'm really not judging. And I'm definitely not against capitalism. And there's a lot of pressure on them now to provide for their adult children. But we're the first generation in Australian history that is worse off than our parents. Something is wrong. No, the boomers are not the enemy. I think the problem is the mindset we all have behind money. I think it's fear based scarcity mindset that causes people to stockpile money. And this has resulted in grade. And that's a spiritual problem more than a financial one. What I'm realising right now is that the belief I have in my head about money is what's causing a lot of my depression right now. Buying a house feels so far away. I had this huge hex debt that is just going up and up, and the only solution I can think of is to figure out an unconventional way to make money. So I started my own business, but it failed. I got into Bitcoin, but it's complicated. I realised recently that I put so much pressure on my art. It's like my podcast in hopes that one day it will pay off. But this kills the passion, the fun of it. And then three months later, I'm back in the same position and I fall back into my pit of despair. So this month, I realised that my North Star was calling me to go travelling again. But I feel like I have to accomplish a before I can achieve be that I have to have myself set up with a house and an unconventional job and my house. It paid off before I can go and do that. And what I've realised this week is that I can just remove the I. The truth is I give up. I give up on trying to buy a house. I give up and trying to get on the DSP. I gave up on climbing the tree and I feel so fucking free and relieved because really what I've given up on is Australia. I feel like I'm in an abusive relationship with my country and so I'm leaving. I honestly don't see myself settling down in Australia, or if I do, I don't see myself coming back to Victoria. I just don't belong here and I feel like my country is killing me. Making this decision has meant are becoming a lot of fees around security as outlined. It's really scary to think that I'll be letting go of my rental, because it took like six months to find a good house because the housing market is fucked. It's scary to think I won't have the security of a house, but almost all of my adult life. But the truth is, I've realised that one day I'll receive an inheritance from my parents. And I can use that to buy a house. Maybe. I don't really care if it takes me 30 years for that. These are the beliefs that I'm questioning now, which for so long of my life have been the foundations. I can't offer a solution to the whole economy. On this episode, but I can throw out ideas. Having autism means I think I have a valuable perspective that's different. I think we need to let go of this rigid views we have around money. This need to stockpile money out of fear and scarcity mindset. I'm trying to have a more fluid view around money, which is that I don't need a home base. I trust that I'll be okay wherever life takes me. And that means trusting in life and where it wants to take me. It means trusting that if I spend money, it will always come back around to me. So we'll have some element of safety. But my idea of safety is changed. It's now me building a canoe so that I can travel down the river, instead of building a house on the side of the bank in order to do all of this. I've had to have some pretty significant faith. Faith that things will be okay. Faith that things will work out. Faith that I'll be okay. And I feel like that is the whole theme of the journey. And so to end, I'm just going to finish with a quote that I wrote about following your heart. Following a heart is like searching for the path in the darkness. If you trust enough to dance, each step will appear beneath your feet before you land. But without trust, you'll be forced to park your foot in each direction until you find the next step. You very well may find the path this way, but the path will never teach you how to dance.