LBP #81: Second Wife Energy

We are back in the Caribbean and on a quest. While we're here, can I interest you in some Panama Canal facts?

Thanks for listening!

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:06

Welcome back. Love Boat Project, episode number 81. I am Mike Robertson, joined as always by Mike Taylor. Mike, was this the best or worst episode that you've ever seen of Where in the World is Carmen Santiago?

SPEAKER_01 0:25

Number one, great question. I'm gonna answer your question with a question, and that is how many hydration breaks do we get this evening? How are we doing that?

SPEAKER_00 0:34

Well, here's my first one. That was my first one too. I hope the nutmeg is well grounded. Topical.

SPEAKER_01 0:42

Well, I've got World Cup fever, so why not?

SPEAKER_00 0:46

Well, we certainly yeah, we certainly went back to the Caribbean. I would say after episode two this season, which felt like a frantic two-parter, this somehow was less frantic, but also somehow more travel channel documentaries.

SPEAKER_01 1:05

No kidding. It's so weird though. Like they just to go back to the Caribbean this quick. I'm just it it's just an odd move to me. You know, two out of three weeks, they're it's they're on the you know, the island princess or whatever the hell it was called.

SPEAKER_00 1:23

I totally understand shooting two while you're dan there to make it worth your while, and maybe in a non-strike situation, they would have banked this one for later in the season because it did feel very like on top, it was like a companion piece to the one from two weeks ago, and it did it did answer some things for me, and it made more sense logically, but also it's like did we need to have yet more Panama can? We we got more Panama Canal facts than we did last year.

SPEAKER_01 1:55

Oh, a lot of facts. If you want to know about the the locks system, holy cow!

SPEAKER_00 2:01

I will say, and we will obviously get there, but I will say if you don't count act fives, which are always a little weird, the act four in this thing is maybe the wildest ride of all it's just so many different things going on right before we get the to be continued.

SPEAKER_01 2:21

But it's wild. We're about to go on a wild boat boat ride here, Mike. This was something special.

SPEAKER_00 2:27

Get your steel drums. We are here to talk about season four, episode four, the Mallory quest, the offer, Julie, comma, the vamp. Which which talk about talk about the most tacked on storyline.

SPEAKER_01 2:49

It's I feel like she went to somebody and was like, look, can I get something other than heartbreak or like little is what they gave her.

SPEAKER_00 2:58

It almost felt like we have obviously we have a lot of location shoots here. You just never really know. So here's what we're gonna do. All right, we're gonna fill up all the time with the two main storylines, and whatever is left, we will write around it with this terrible Julie the Vamp storyline.

SPEAKER_01 3:18

It'll take about six minutes to explain this Julie the Vamp thing from beginning to end.

SPEAKER_00 3:23

It's I think it went like in real time, like an hour between scenes, and then they did like back to back to back.

SPEAKER_01 3:30

And there was nothing to it, it was just like what it's so weird, so weird.

SPEAKER_00 3:36

But that was definitely not the main thrust of this episode, and I will have a question about that in a second here. But let's do the synopsis. Passengers receive a free cruise, but there's a catch, Mike. There's always a catch. They must also search for Brian Mallory's missing nephew. Speaking of the Mallory's, Janet Mallory tires of her husband's poor treatment, finds comfort in the arms of Dr. Adam Bricker.

unknown 4:05

Boy.

SPEAKER_00 4:05

And boy, did we get an episode of Bricker tonight.

SPEAKER_01 4:08

Quickly. You got that episode started quickly, too, right in the beginning. Just one of the lines of the year, perhaps.

SPEAKER_00 4:16

And I will also say, I'm gonna say, and also say is a lot. Maybe my favorite scene since we've been doing this episode is in the or since we've been doing this whole project was in this. One of my three or four favorite scenes ever is contained in here. This is a weird one.

SPEAKER_01 4:34

I I wonder it's gotta be because one of my favorite scenes is in this of of the entire project so far, and I and I'd love to know if it was the same. Well, I'll let you know if you let me know. All right.

SPEAKER_00 4:48

Maud thinks that Julie's trying to steal her fiance, Roger, who, by the way, sucks. And speaking of sucks, well, not anymore. Merrill receives a lucrative job offer from his good friend, Charlie Dillinger, or Dillingham, or Deringer. I have him in here.

SPEAKER_01 5:11

I heard four different names.

SPEAKER_00 5:13

It's Dick Van Patten, everybody. Original air date. This is Saturday, November 15th, 1980. This is the 8 to 10 spot. We are still, as we get into what else is on, we are still in a very weird post-strike world where some shows are kind of established, a lot of movies. Wither chips, Mike.

SPEAKER_01 5:41

It weren't happening at Chips. That was a staple of Saturday evenings.

SPEAKER_00 5:45

Chips, if you remember, last year won the Saturday night ratings. They were the highest-rated Saturday night show, taking the Love Boat throne. I'm not saying they I don't know. It's also possible that NBC, which is pretty much the worst network at this point, just didn't think ahead. So maybe Chips just isn't ready yet. I have no idea.

SPEAKER_01 6:03

Or maybe they did like a because you know Tuesday night was a big night for ABC. Maybe they threw them on a Thursday to who knows.

SPEAKER_00 6:09

Yeah, I refuse to look yet. I refuse to look yet, but at eight o'clock they went with what is only like a special games people play. What? Okay. Hosted by Bryant Gumble. Couldn't find a lot on here, but it seems like it's celebrities and regular people kind of doing like kind of one-off event type things or whatever. Like, hey, it's Darren McGavin playing Badman or stuff like that. So it was only on six times.

SPEAKER_01 6:39

I was looking for my crickets sound effects. Yeah, well, it was hard to find crickets.

SPEAKER_00 6:44

It was hard to find a lot of details.

SPEAKER_01 6:46

How is that a TV show?

SPEAKER_00 6:47

I mean, that's more like I think it's a TV show and a strike, and I think it's also just NBC. I get the feeling, because this is the bad NBC year, and we will get to that later. The we're probably gonna see some weird stuff from NBC here in 1980. So great. On the other network, CBS, at 8 and 8 30. It's what we've had, WKRP and the Tim Conway show. Uh KRP is one I remember. It's Herb Tarlek's family gets on a reality show. I kind of do remember that one. Wow, a reality show in the 80s? It I think it was a knockoff of remember that Albert Brooks movie where the robot cameras kind of fall around? Yeah, yeah. I think it's basically that. Interesting. And then 8 30, Mike, I was able to find out who the guest was on the Tim Conway show. That would be Jonathan Winters. Boy. Imagine they didn't even have a script, I'm guessing, with that one.

SPEAKER_01 7:40

They just, yeah, that would that you know what that has the ice, that would be terrible. 30 minutes of them just cracking each other up in a very subtle way, but yeah, okay.

SPEAKER_00 7:49

The strike the post-strike world has taken away a lot of the fun ridiculousness because we have two pretty high-powered movies here going against each other on CBS High Noon.

SPEAKER_01 8:01

Oh, okay, okay.

SPEAKER_00 8:03

Gary Cooper. Great movie, Grace Kelly, but not as great as the movie on NBC. It's part three. With the Georgia Peaches? No, it's part three of the first movie. It's not part three because nobody would want to see that. But it's part three of Mario Puzzo is the Godfather. So it looked like in the synopsis, it basically starts right after Michael kills Salazo. Oh, right in that restaurant. Like I think they probably ended part two with that. Oh, what a great way to cut like part for TV. And it looks like it ends with, and I can't remember. I can't remember if Sonny gets killed first or if Apolloni gets blown up. But my guess is they end with one of those two based on kind of what's referenced here. So pretty good night. Pretty good night. I was trying to figure out, I was trying to line up some of this terrible second hour of the love boat with the Godfather showing where we were at. Yeah. And then one more note, we rarely go here, but tonight was the season six premiere of Saturday Night Live. Oh, okay. Hosted by Elliot Gould. Mike, this is a very famous season because this is the first one after the Not Ready for Primetime players and Lauren Michaels left. And it does not go well. Who was uh was it who was running Saturday Night Live that the year that wasn't there? So I believe I'm going off memory here, but it was Jean Dormont, who I guess had worked on the show, right? And they were fired towards the end of this season. That's how bad it went. And Dick Ebersoll took over, and that's eventually where you got Piscopo and Eddie Murphy. That's interesting.

SPEAKER_01 9:50

I remember the Dick Ebersaw, but I didn't I couldn't remember who. Interesting.

SPEAKER_00 9:54

Who so who was on the cast? This who was on the so this is I think Piscopo is the only guy who actually survives from the first from this season. But I might I might not have me right, but it's like uh this is Gilbert Godfrey, this is Charles Rocket, this is Denny Dillon, like it's Robert.

SPEAKER_01 10:15

No, it's way later on because when he was at I'm just looking for I'm thinking for oddball cast members.

SPEAKER_00 10:20

They basically nobody that you think of as Scient Live makes it because they fire almost everybody. It's that bad. Wow. So hosted by Elliot Gould. It was still a big deal at that point. Huge deal. Yeah. Alright, credits, and we got a lot of them. We have a lot of them. We got some Kearnsings. Pack of lunch. All right. Sorrel Book. Or Boak. Whatever, it's Boss Hog. Playing one of the best.

SPEAKER_01 10:57

He seems like Sorrel Agent.

SPEAKER_00 10:59

Which name? That name or Lucius? Oh, Lucius Kergo.

SPEAKER_01 11:05

Either or. Lucius Kirgo sounds like the guy from like Cape Fear. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00 11:15

Shockingly, his only boat, disappointingly, I would say. He certainly tuned the scenery, although we'll get to his endgame as a villain. I don't know. So dumb about that. It's so dumb.

SPEAKER_01 11:29

There might be an award in his in his in his future. Yeah, not a good one either.

SPEAKER_00 11:33

Of course, he played Jefferson Davis Boss Hog for 146 episodes of the Dukes of Hazard and 20 episodes of The Dukes cartoon, which I do not remember.

SPEAKER_01 11:46

I don't remember that either. Interesting.

SPEAKER_00 11:51

Bart Braveman, Braverman, who plays Roger Markham, and this is his only boat. He was best known as being Robert Urick's sidekick on Vegas. I know of Vegas, but not I never saw Vegas, but I I honestly I mainly know it from when we had Urick on all those times.

SPEAKER_01 12:14

Didn't James Kahn star in like the remake that wasn't there like a remake of that that was Scott Kahn starred in something that was close to that or something?

SPEAKER_00 12:27

Scott Kahn uh Bart ended up being a pretty popular uh match game guest as well. Okay. Can see why we like that. I like the match game. I did I didn't I didn't wow Julie did the best she could on this one, man. Here's an interesting one. Gail Honeycutt as Janet Mallory. How old do you think she is, Mike? At the time of this episode.

SPEAKER_01 13:02

Trying to place her her a whole husband's age and acting accordingly there. I see I know I'm gonna be way off. I she looked young. I'm gonna say she's 31, 32.

SPEAKER_00 13:18

So she's 37, but I agree with the where she looked young at points. Yeah. Didn't look young at points, acted young at points, acted old at points. It was very hard to get early age. It really was, and I I don't even know what that was about. This is her only boat. She played sorry, she was around around this time she was in both the the Return of the Saint, which I had mentioned earlier was initially a Vincent Price vehicle. Right. She was she was in that. Um she was also in something called let me see. Lost my spot already. We're off to a hot start. She was in something called the man called Intrepid.

SPEAKER_01 14:12

Which Uncle? Because it's a ripoff of the man from Uncle is that what that I don't understand the man from Intrepid, Man from Uncle.

SPEAKER_00 14:19

The Man Called Intrepid is a period piece. It's from World War II where a Canadian billionaire or millionaire or whatever uses his money, his own money, to help the allies by setting up an espionage system.

SPEAKER_01 14:34

And I'm assuming this is this money's all from syrup. This is all old school syrup.

SPEAKER_00 14:40

It's actually Tim Horton. It's David Niven plays Tim Horton.

SPEAKER_01 14:43

Pancake batter. Sure. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:47

Marin Jensen is back as Sharon Patrick. This is her second. This is a weird story.

SPEAKER_01 14:55

She was weird in this boat. She was kooky. I would go out on a limited story.

SPEAKER_00 15:01

And they didn't, they never, and they never did anything to really make it. And in fact, the more they did it, the worse it got.

SPEAKER_01 15:09

It made less sense. It's just yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:12

I don't think there'll be a repeat, but we've had some strong contenders. But she won along with our guy Cole. What's his name? Dennis Cole. Yeah. They won worse storyline for season two with Poor Little Rich Girl. She was more effusive and more energetic and had more of a personality in this one, but this was weird.

SPEAKER_01 15:38

But it was like in a weird, non-existent uh yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:45

So we had mentioned this last time. She is with Don Henley at this point. And once she's off and once she's off Battlestar Galactica, she kind of kind of stops acting. She's in a couple Don Hen videos. That's actually her last credit, is like something from like 1985 Don Henley. It's something called Deadly Blessings. Ooh, hello. I had to rewrite some of this because it was a weird, weird synopsis. But when a former member of an Amish-like cult is accidentally killed in a tractor accident.

SPEAKER_01 16:31

Okay. Okay. I'm in. I'm in. This goes right into the hopper already. Hello, wait.

SPEAKER_00 16:38

Wait till we get there. His widow suspects that the cult uh has nefarious intentions for her.

unknown 16:44

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 16:45

And this baby, this baby stars what has to be an incredibly young Sharon Stone. It also stars. Orves. Yeah. Wow. It also stars. Okay, pack in now. This is where we this is where we get to justify watching this. Okay. All right. Susan Buckner, who you may know as Kim from the Horrible Hansons storyline. I do remember that. The last season episode. The the woman who played the social services director for Vicky's Custody. Oh, God. Yeah, okay. The great Lisa Hartman, who has been in two doozies already. And just to really put a button on it. Ernest Borgnine.

SPEAKER_01 17:33

Oh, of course. Of course he's in it. Oh.

SPEAKER_00 17:36

This thing is on Tubi or Pluto or something. We could do this if we choose. Let's do it.

SPEAKER_01 17:42

Let's throw it. We need to build an actual welder, an actual hopper to throw these names in it. I'll get right on that. Get my welder out.

SPEAKER_00 17:54

Peter Lupus plays Dave Porter. This is only boat. Go ahead.

SPEAKER_01 18:02

Can I this guy's freaking wardrobe, man? I was gonna wear one of his shirts and I decided against it.

SPEAKER_00 18:08

That mesh top in the beginning is amazing.

SPEAKER_01 18:11

What are you doing?

SPEAKER_00 18:13

It looks like the thing that they used to have in food stores, like that would have in the seafood aisle that would have like would just be like decor next to a wheel.

SPEAKER_01 18:24

Starfish would be in there. Yeah. Yeah, this guy. I don't even know. I don't even know how you I don't even know how he got a credit for this. He did really just mumbled a few words and well they were giving us pretty loosey-goosey, to be fair. He deserved a Kearnsing, in my opinion, this guy.

SPEAKER_00 18:42

So he was on Mission Impossible, which is more your ballywick than mine. Yeah, I could see him on Mission Impossible as a as a giant villain. But he was no, he was a regular. He must have been a good guy villain or a good guy, like strong man, or whatever. I assume they had to wear jackets. Maybe just wore like a sleeveless jacket.

SPEAKER_01 19:02

Even a jacket, I don't think, would cover up if he's wearing that Fisherman's Wharf net shirt, you know? Come on.

SPEAKER_00 19:09

Like he he lived the gimmick. He holds the Guinness record for oldest man to ever bench 300 pounds. Old was he? Well, when he was old. I don't know. 26.

SPEAKER_01 19:20

Like, did they give a number?

SPEAKER_00 19:22

It was well, he was 48 during this, so he's probably in his 70s or whatever. It was like in the 2010s.

SPEAKER_01 19:29

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_00 19:29

I didn't know if this was like No, it wasn't like the night after he recorded the Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:33

Yeah, on his 24th birthday, he recorded. I mean, the guy was clearly in shape. It was just you know what was wild is sometimes in some camera shots, he was like he was sucking in his stomach so hardcore, like he was almost trying to pose and act at the same time.

SPEAKER_00 19:50

Which well, I mean, he based on the two, what would you highlight if you were him? Based on what he was bringing. That's true. Excellent point. Among the titles he won in bodybuilding were both Mr. Indiana and Mr. Indianapolis. So those are big titles, Mike. I cannot answer any questions.

SPEAKER_01 20:08

Indiana's a large state.

SPEAKER_00 20:10

I cannot answer any questions about the specifics of those titles.

SPEAKER_01 20:13

Wow. They have an NBA team and an NFL team. So I mean they're a big deal in Indiana.

SPEAKER_00 20:17

I think the thing was he had to lift up an indie car. That was probably what it was.

SPEAKER_01 20:22

He had to drink X amount of milk, too. We need you to tell Jim neighbors.

SPEAKER_00 20:28

He got his protein from whole milk. Lonnie O'Grady is back as Mod Victor. This is her second and final boat. Of course, she was plagued by the big ragu's stages of love back at the beginning of last season.

SPEAKER_01 20:47

Wasn't that nominated for Worst Storyline?

SPEAKER_00 20:51

I feel like I nominated that for Worst Story. That might have been a U one, so it was pretty bad. That whole episode was pretty bad, honestly. It was.

SPEAKER_01 20:58

It was.

SPEAKER_00 20:59

That storyline was enraging, but yeah. Is Enough wraps up in 1981. There ended up being two reunions in 87 and 89. She did not do much. And as we mentioned before, she died young, which is what a shame, man. What a shame. She was. It's a terrible role. So I'm not even gonna say anything. It was nice to see, though, she was the complete opposite of her last thing, which I will always give somebody credit for like, okay, two completely different things. But right. There was nothing. Right. Yeah, there's nothing. The star of this episode?

SPEAKER_01 21:39

I mean probably based on I can only think of one. Yeah, Penona. Skip Stevenson.

SPEAKER_00 21:44

Oh no, my bad. We'll get to Skip Stevenson because we are inducting a new member of our I have a lot of answers. I might have listened to a uh a comedy appearance by him today. I'm just I'm ready to.

SPEAKER_01 22:00

God, I love that guy.

SPEAKER_00 22:01

Yeah. Brunel Roberts, amazingly, his only boat appearance. So he was on what's the Trapper John?

SPEAKER_01 22:09

Was that from MASH? I got that's I wanted to. I was so confused, but I didn't want to look, and I've been dying to ask you.

SPEAKER_00 22:16

So he appeared on 151 episodes of Trapper John, which is on currently as this happens. Trapper John was set in I think present day, whereas don't forget MASH was obviously set in the Korean War. Right. And I think it was that he was a doctor in, I want to say San Francisco, and it was just a doctor show, I think. Trapper John is 100% a show I never saw, but growing up, you would see the commercials on like CBS while you were watching like I don't know, cartoons or the football or whatever. Weird story, according to IMDB, which who knows, he beat out two big names for that role. John Forsyth, who of course would go on to be in Dynasty and was currently Charlie's Angels. Great voice, that guy. Yeah. And here's the weird one. Wayne Rogers. Wayne Rogers played Trapper John on MASH. That must have pissed him off. Something like that.

SPEAKER_01 23:22

Wait a minute. It's named after me. How do I lose? And I lose to Pernel Friggin' Roberts. Yeah. Can I can I just say as another thing too? I think I think I'm I'm over the limit in saying the word hopper this episode, but I do think that just for general purposes, maybe we throw in a an episode of Trapper M. Trapper John. Trapper John MD.

SPEAKER_00 23:46

Sure, we could find one of some relevance.

SPEAKER_01 23:48

Just randomly. You never know when it'll that'll come in handy.

SPEAKER_00 23:50

Well, the thing is, too, with these shows that are now active, like there's also a world where they're going to end up on Saturday night, right? I mean, yeah, things move around. I think so. Sure. So in addition to that, of course, he was in two hundred and two episodes of Bonanza. He played the oldest cartwright. Looks like he left under contract slash, this is you know, there's nothing going on here. I'm the I'm tired of playing the cowboy kind of thing. I'm the last, I'm the last cartwright. So, but our second bonanza. That's right. I don't I don't know that we would get Michael Landon. That almost feels like too big, and I don't know who the other guy was. No. Oh, the yeah, I don't know. I don't know. All right. Walter Sleezak plays Marcel Locksmith. What a great name. This is his only boat. In fact, this is his final credit. This one at least is related to his health. I guess he stopped working towards the end due to health problems. So poor guy. Yeah. Well, it's worse, but look up Walter Slezak if you want to see how it ended. But yeah, he was a big-time character, actor, and Michael. Yes, sir. He played a Batman villain in the TV show. King was he King Tut? He was not King Tut, but he was a king. He played the Clock King.

SPEAKER_01 25:15

Oh, jeez. Okay. I don't even know if that's a legit comic book thing, but he got a two-parter, the clock king did.

SPEAKER_00 25:22

But yeah, wasn't it? Wasn't that great. Wasn't that great episode?

SPEAKER_01 25:26

No, that doesn't sound like a good one, but I'm gonna have to go back.

SPEAKER_00 25:30

Now here's our here's our guy, Skip Stevenson. First of two boats. He will be back in season six. Mike, your questions.

SPEAKER_01 25:40

Good lord. He had a hard time talking over those dentures. Number one. More more of an observation. Number two, Mike, why do I know this guy? Why do I know him? Is he a broadcaster? Like, what does why is there so much ADR in his voice? How many packs did he smoke a day? Like, I need everything.

SPEAKER_00 25:58

He definitely comes from the Christopher George school of larynx, but so it's funny. I had similar questions. I was like, this guy is pretty good. I have no idea who he is. Like he he seems to be able to handle the weight of a lead role. He's got a voice that won't quit. What's happening here? So he was a comedian of some note. I found some clips of him on Carson, so he at least was that big a deal in the 70s. I think he later, neither would I. I was actually very surprised by that. He later would also be one of the hosts of Real People. So I don't know if that's maybe where I know him.

SPEAKER_01 26:39

That's where I know him from.

SPEAKER_00 26:41

Okay. He he does not have a ton of acting credits. In fact, these are some of his last, so like, but it was as we've always said, they treat the comedians pretty well on here, and I get the impression he might have been maybe a bigger deal at the time, comedy-wise, than we knew. Or this is literally from real people.

SPEAKER_01 27:04

So yeah, I mean, that's where it's but just the name and like the promo picture I'm looking at of him right now is just all skip all day. Like he's it's the teeth, it's the it's the fun smile with the mouth open, that's the side part.

SPEAKER_00 27:21

I mean, if you in watching his amazing, in watching his little bit on Carson, it's a lot of boy, these people in California are weird, and here's a lot of like it was like one-liners, it wasn't bad, and it held up a little bit, but I I just had no idea what to expect.

SPEAKER_01 27:38

So I'm just big, I'm a fan of this skip skip scene. I very much, yeah, I was a big fan. I was excited.

SPEAKER_00 27:44

I thought he was far better than a comedian or non-actor should have been in that role, and thank God he was, because that thing needed somebody to ground it.

SPEAKER_01 27:54

There was nothing with that storyline at all. Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 27:58

And now here's a series of former stubby nominees. Connie Stevens is back. Her third of seven boats, she'll be back in five, six, nine, and the series finale where she plays a character. Interesting. Interesting. I almost feel like if you play a character, that's actually the indication that you're the biggest love boat all-star. I think Tabak plays one too. She's great.

SPEAKER_01 28:32

I mean, she really is great. This isn't the greatest episode, but she you give anything you give her, she's gonna do the best she can.

SPEAKER_00 28:39

Jonas said it when we talked about her last year about just being the pixie dream girl or whatever. Yeah. And it is like she I it it makes me so confused what they were going for in that first episode, where she was none of those things.

SPEAKER_01 28:52

Right. And the second one was great.

SPEAKER_00 28:54

This yeah, she was great. In the second one, she was fine in this one. Again, they just didn't she was fine.

SPEAKER_01 28:58

This story was terrible. Well, I wonder out of all of her appearances, like what at the end of the line, I wonder where you know what I mean, where what's her strongest performance? You know what I mean? Early early Connie, late Connie.

SPEAKER_00 29:16

It'll be hard to beat too, because she had so much to do.

SPEAKER_01 29:19

Yeah. And she was perfect, she was energetic.

SPEAKER_00 29:22

That second one was so good. So yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:27

I'm a fan. She's one of my favorite guests.

SPEAKER_00 29:29

DVP is back.

SPEAKER_01 29:33

God bless him.

SPEAKER_00 29:34

DVP is back as he no no longer a senator, Mike.

SPEAKER_01 29:40

No longer a congressman. He was a pooted out of Congress, and now he's doing this.

SPEAKER_00 29:46

Second vote out of five, he will be back the next three seasons, but he's done after season seven, which is surprising. I thought you might see him a little more at the back end. Because he was like, Julie's gone, I'm gone. Right. His final episode, and I think we maybe have talked about this before, his final episode that comes in season seven also stars Ru McClanahan, Alan Fay, oh wow, Michelle Phillips, Caesar Romero, Betty White, and Carol Channing.

SPEAKER_01 30:30

Oh my gosh. That's yeah, it's a lot. That's gonna be amazing. On paper, it's gonna be great.

SPEAKER_00 30:37

Well, right, exactly. Listen, by the time we get to season seven, I think we'll be grateful to have that many people we know. Yeah, that's true. That's true. We'll at that point we'll be counting down till Julie Levin and whatever the hell happens for a while. So he, of course, was nominated for Horndog of the Year in season one as Congressman Wickham. Finally, as far as the portals are concerned, Jimmy Walker is back as Marvin Jones. This is his fourth. Congratulations. I believe he is only our second four-timer. He gets a jacket, I think. Who's the other four-time? Five's a jacket. I think it's five a jacket. Okay. I think it's Juliet Mills. Yeah. I don't know. Not saying we haven't missed another one, but I think that might be it. I do think so. We have a lot of threes. I know we obviously get more, but right now I think that's that's where we're going to be.

SPEAKER_01 31:32

I mean, think about the fourth season.

SPEAKER_00 31:34

I mean, he's and I will Yeah, unfortunately, he's been on one every season, so he doesn't even get the Iron Man. No. So he is only back one more time. That's in season eight. He was nominated for the same thing that Connie Stevens was last season most improved.

SPEAKER_01 31:54

That was on the can we take that away from him now?

SPEAKER_00 31:57

Can we just take that away because it's your nomination, not mine. Boy. Non-portals. Patty McLeod is back as Miss Lottie. Of course, she is the real life spouse of Gavin McLeod. Do you think that it's just like it looks like every other episode that she's in is like another one of these two parters where it's at an exotic location? Do you think it's just like Gavin's like, I'm bringing my wife, give her something to do? So 100%. She wasn't even in as much. She wasn't even in this one as much as the last one.

SPEAKER_01 32:34

So she just wanted to go through the Panama Canal again in here. She's she's a canal buff.

SPEAKER_00 32:39

That's fair.

SPEAKER_01 32:39

Good for her.

SPEAKER_00 32:40

Plus, she wanted to show everybody that she'd calmed her hair down a lot from that wild frisbee wedge that she had in season one. I'll skip him. Okay, Christian Robla Robley.

SPEAKER_01 32:56

Ooh, I didn't even see him on my list. Who is this?

SPEAKER_00 32:59

Oh, he plays Tom Mallory, spoiler.

SPEAKER_01 33:03

Oh, I have him as Greg Robly.

SPEAKER_00 33:06

Well, he was Greg at the time. He is now Christian. So he's changed his name. I guess maybe from all the attention he got for this dynamite role.

SPEAKER_01 33:14

He just wants some peace. Everyone in the world's looking for him. He does, you know, enough's enough. No wonder he changed his first name.

SPEAKER_00 33:21

So for a second, I got really excited because this is not his only episode. And he was listed as a steward. And I'm like, wait a minute, is this the guy in the blue windbreaker? Is this a stubby nominee? But it's not. It's not. He was a steward in the Jerry Stiller Charo episode from a couple seasons ago. So couldn't remember a notable steward at that point. So he was probably in the background. Oh it looks like he's also a makeup artist and maybe like a production kind of guy. So I get the impression maybe he was just around, especially based on his acting. So yeah, he he didn't uh he had the line delivery of someone who was voicing over somebody.

SPEAKER_01 34:06

That's odd. And that that's all he ever did.

SPEAKER_00 34:09

Uncle Brian. And finally, stepping out of his comfort zone, James Dobson. Yes. As the priest. Of course, this is Anderson the Steward, two times stubby nominee. And it's funny because he's going for this affect of like passive. It just sounds like Anderson, but like lighter. Right.

SPEAKER_01 34:37

He has to be just slightly different. Yeah. He can't be Anderson the Five, like Father Anderson.

SPEAKER_00 34:43

Right. So I don't think any of these guys were Kearns. I I would say Tom Mallory probably had to be plot curns if you had anything. But they also, to be fair, had like 68 people in the credits. So if you're ever going to get away with it, this is probably the episode.

SPEAKER_01 34:59

Well, let me let me see though, man. How many times was he Anderson the Stewart? One, two, one more. Of one more. So he's on his fifth appearance.

SPEAKER_00 35:11

It's fourth because one of them was a two-partner. Okay, okay, okay. Yeah. One, two, three. I'm not counting Anderson the Stew as a four-time club member, but yeah.

SPEAKER_01 35:20

Let me just stop production on that jacket for him. Hold off.

SPEAKER_00 35:24

He will be back. He will be back one more time. We have one more as as Anderson, or sorry, Andy the Stewart on that one. But so we'll we'll get him one more time, which means I'm an Anderson fan. Which means knowing us, probably a three-time stubby nominee.

unknown 35:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 35:39

By the time we're all done here. So we'll not be getting one for this season, I would say. No, no, no, no, not at all. Sorry, Father.

SPEAKER_01 35:47

Sorry, JD.

SPEAKER_00 35:48

Anything else before we get on the boat?

SPEAKER_01 35:51

No. No, I I think I think we covered it. It's amazing how many guest stars were on this episode. Let me just say, it was just like, holy crap.

SPEAKER_00 36:00

This felt as we get on the boat, and Julie is basically, you know, welcoming all the passengers, it felt so less chaotic than the one two weeks ago.

SPEAKER_01 36:10

Oh, the marriage of Thon where everything was, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 36:13

They just obviously right. And I just and it just makes me not because clearly they did both of those at the same time, I would think, right? Or very close to each other because they're doing all their Caribbean stuff. So why was the were they going for this? That this Thon was so wild that no one could go below deck? Because this felt like a normal cruise, right? Like if anything, it was too empty. It went the other way. It was like the deck was very empty.

SPEAKER_01 36:44

But that's how it should be. It shouldn't be absolute mayhem when the ship is boarding to the point that the captain and and Vicky are just surrounded by mobs of people. Like what like it's it's the you know, the prison prisoner is running the prison. You can't like there's no order.

SPEAKER_00 36:59

It's not at the end of trading places, like it was just people were just getting run over.

SPEAKER_01 37:04

I it was not. I was thinking the same thing, and I was like, okay, this feels more like a real cruise than that, whatever that was last time.

SPEAKER_00 37:13

It it it made it made that episode so much odder in its own way. 100%. All right, like we said, Julie's saying hello to a bunch of people, and then finally we get Brian and Janet Mallory come in and they greet the crew. Stobing Stubing introduces everybody and lets them know that this is a two-week cruise through the Panama Canal, which I appreciate. Thank you very much, Merrill. No map this week, though, Mike. No uh for explaining it. No map and no cell because Brian Mallory's like I read the brochure. This guy.

SPEAKER_01 37:52

This guy just wakes up and he's just an asshole. As soon as he wakes up, Brian frickin' Mallory. I like uh but they waste no time in establishing who this guy is, which I gotta respect it.

SPEAKER_00 38:05

So might as well just do it here. So they came in so hot and such a villain that I was like, they're going to ruin this because they're going to have to redeem him. But they went so far in the villain, I think I think they messed up the math. Like he was such an absolute villain to the point where he what some things happen, and then you know, and it's like the at one point I'm just like, well, if they keep him like this for two hours, this is the greatest apologies to Natalie. This is the greatest villainy of all time. I don't think they're gonna keep him like this for two hours.

SPEAKER_01 38:52

Oh, I didn't want to. I didn't want to.

SPEAKER_00 38:54

And it's impossible to redemption, right?

SPEAKER_01 38:56

Yeah, I was cheering. I mean, popcorn in hand for this guy, just like keep on keeping on. Let's just stay the course. Let me have this for two hours and just just put a stamp on this episode. Because this I don't even think we were three minutes into the episode, and the guy's like, you know, just already getting sassy with everybody. Goodrible.

SPEAKER_00 39:18

He asks very mysteriously if this is the only place the people can board the boat. And gopher's like, I could ask if uh I could you know help you out, and he just leaves. He's just like so he's just got the time. Doc says that's a strange bird. Gopher says he loves her, hates him. Julie is stopped by a very eager and little desperately over-aggressive man named Roger. Turns out it was an old college mate. He's like just the old guy. He asked her like 10 questions, and Julie's like, Julie legitimately is like, I'm very busy right now.

SPEAKER_01 40:01

I don't think I've ever been that excited to see anybody. Like, it's just odd. Like, some I mean, that was just an odd level of excitement.

SPEAKER_00 40:09

Well, and it's funny because they they only they only hit it in like a passing way at one point, but Julie does say to Stubbing, she's like, I barely knew this guy in college. Like being a weirdo, man. It's being very weird. Plus, while college is not that long ago, it's a thing we always talk about is if you're not looking for somebody, and Julie doesn't even look the same as you season one.

SPEAKER_01 40:30

Yeah, like two exactly.

SPEAKER_00 40:31

This guy's just Julie's like, I'm busy, but I'd love to get together and chat later. And his fiance is like, Oh, I'm sure you would. No, you didn't. This is a very aggressive accusation of jealousy, like in in your face, sober right away. So I've got some problems.

SPEAKER_01 40:53

I always I just kind of feel like Roger is kind of the scumbag here, where he's doing this thing to make her feel like this whole thing is intentional, his weird acting towards Julie, just to get he does stuff later from her.

SPEAKER_00 41:09

Yeah, he does stuff later that I 100% agree with you.

SPEAKER_01 41:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 41:13

But it's also that thing where it's like, if you're going to be this jealous when you shouldn't be, then I might as well just do whatever because you're gonna be jealous anyway.

SPEAKER_01 41:23

I I mean plus I mean, this guy just got on the cruise with his wife. Oh, they're going on this wonderful cruise together, fiance, and as soon as they get on the ship, he's all oh blah, blah, blah, you know, just all hooting and hollering over a lady like, bro. It's a lot. Like, what are you doing?

SPEAKER_03 41:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 41:42

And it's like you stayed home and and and gotten that reaction from your fiance. You didn't need to, it's just an odd move.

SPEAKER_00 41:49

But I think they probably have problems anyway.

SPEAKER_01 41:54

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think they have problems that they thought maybe the ring would solve, but now they're like, oh, I see. That's not gonna happen.

SPEAKER_00 42:02

All right. So just for reference, I'm referring to Brian Mallory as Mallory and Janet Mallory as Janet because it's just easier. Yeah. Also, shout out to Nick from Family Ties. Mallory.

SPEAKER_01 42:15

So very nicely done, sir.

SPEAKER_00 42:18

Mallory is serving as our narrator as all the passengers board. We start with uh Peter Andrews, who Janet notes is with a lovely brunette. Mallory's like, keep you a schoolgirl. Thoughts to yourself. He's traveling alone.

SPEAKER_01 42:38

It's just he's so yeah. And he's always drinking like something. Some weird, like he has a sherry or a brandy in his hand in like almost every in every scene, like one of those slow sipper thicker alcohol beverage. You know what I mean? Just weird.

SPEAKER_00 42:57

It's like a bond villain. Right. And they did they puss out like yes, they did.

SPEAKER_01 43:04

They should have he was stuck to it. This guy should have left the ship after the first stop. You know what? I'm done. Just screw all of you.

SPEAKER_00 43:14

Maybe Buss Hog should have maybe Buss Hog should have shot him at the end.

SPEAKER_01 43:19

Just some skip Stevenson would have had enough of his nonsense. Just odd. But yeah, I wish they would have stuck with it.

SPEAKER_00 43:28

Marsha Rand and her muscle bound companion, Dave Porter, talked to Julie, kind of let them know that they won a contest, and to come knock on the door in two weeks because they're just gonna be in bang down the whole time. Lord. Julie doesn't want to hear that.

SPEAKER_01 43:46

Wonder if Namath left some vitamins for his obviously his friend Dave Porter. He and Ian Broadway Joe hang out all the time.

SPEAKER_00 43:56

Come on. Dave asks about the gym accommodations, I which I believe. is the first time since Mr. Barrett asked if there were good gym accommodations.

SPEAKER_01 44:05

So we don't have a gym, but we have a spa and a juice bar. You know he would have loved he would have loved it.

SPEAKER_00 44:15

It's delicious. It's it's funny Mallory's like um I don't know who she's with. He's an unimportant.

SPEAKER_01 44:25

Doesn't matter. Just doesn't care. Asshole Mallory.

SPEAKER_00 44:30

Poor JJ gets nothing. It's just like they didn't do anything else.

SPEAKER_01 44:36

All he got in this whole episode was just a big old dash of eager. Like he was just there they didn't develop his story. He was like, oh look it I was I'm I'm not happy with what they did with Jimmy Walker in this episode at all.

SPEAKER_00 44:50

It did complete waste it just doesn't seem like because this weirdly felt like the most Jimmy Walker like honestly but it also felt so tacked on but the st that's the problem the storyline was like at some points they were trying to have an actual mystery and at some points they were playing it light and it was the worst written mystery.

SPEAKER_01 45:20

It was awful this was not an Agatha Christie mystery. I was hoping it was gonna be and I'm like oh it'd be cool if one of these guys you know you know fell off the boat and missing a coin and blah blah blah. Nope.

SPEAKER_00 45:33

None of that it was missing what I like to call intrigue Mike zero intrigue the uh sorry I'm trying to close something here the the mystery wasn't even good enough because at some point it's like oh well this is obvious just gonna go and through every boat stop. Just wasted our time it's not good.

SPEAKER_01 46:02

I heard a story here's gonna be at the next stop it you're just trying to get us to the next commercial break off boo boo boo awful all right so Mallory winds up and he says ah all of our people are here unfortunately the cruise will be on its way before they realize that the free cruise comes with strings attached okay they are trying to make him a supervillain and I think honestly and I think they succeed for the first hour.

SPEAKER_00 46:34

They did even maybe even in maybe even to the second hour he exceeds it's fine till he just starts apologizing for nothing.

SPEAKER_01 46:42

Just all the wind just gets deflated all he all he's missing in this episode in the first half is like a cat to pet while he's drinking his sherry big white fluffy cat.

SPEAKER_00 46:55

Pet of the year Brian Mallory's white cat says greeted by his old friend Charlie Dillingham jerston. This guy old DVP Charlie is taking the Buddy Stanfield route of prepping for a meeting that he has in Puerto Rico by taking a boat for like a week so that's so weird that's so weird.

SPEAKER_01 47:21

I have a meeting in in Denver in August I will be taking I'll be riding my bike like what what what are we doing?

SPEAKER_00 47:28

What are we doing but he has Mike he has ulterior motives he's also got a secret mission the horn goes off and Gopher's like we got a boogie and Stubing seems surprised that he had to go to work for a second yeah it was very oh oh we're leaving okay okay let me go do the thing that I normally do which is nothing on his way out the door he uh he tells gopher to find out what the secret mission is and DVP's like he's a great he's a great guy and gopher's like oh he's the best we couldn't get along without him and he just set up old Charlie he's like well if I have my way you'll have to this will be his last voyage and I'm going two villains are we getting two villains this episode I'm going hero what yeah that's right like let's go okay Charlie Dillinger or Deringer or Dougager I'm like he okay let's go no more context needed he's gonna kill Stubing all right not kill Stubing I apologize but you know so we get the horn and it's a lot of island princess you know stock footage and kind of everything they used last time they obviously get their money's worth out of it it's not the as we said earlier it's not the absolute mayhem that it was a couple weeks ago we did get to steal drums a few times they love the steel drums they must have had a contract where we need at least two appearances or one they're just playing the same drums from the last week or the week I think those I think that contract was signed by the Spelling Corporation because if you remember the first time we saw them was at Charlie's Angels.

SPEAKER_01 49:14

That's true. That's true.

SPEAKER_00 49:15

Oh they got their money's worth out of this well Mike how else how else would you connotate the Caribbean? It would be impossible. Of course three metal drums the stock footage kind of ends with gopher walking around through a bunch of people turns out Mallory has sent for him he's got two items of business here first he asks Gopher to tell the bartender the bartender not necessarily Isaac but probably Isaac he would like freshly ground nutmeg in his Ramus Fizz.

SPEAKER_01 49:52

This guy sucks Mike this guy sucks I like how he how he like feels like he could just call somebody to do his bidding he loves people to do his bidding this guy sucks.

SPEAKER_00 50:04

Ramous Fizz of course we talked about in the episode with gopher's mom this is a famous like Louisiana drink. It's also very complicated drink there's a lot of stuff going on in there obviously with the nutmeg but yeah what a what a pompous ass what a snarky asshole this guy is. And it's also like let me do this complaining first before I ask for the favor that I'm gonna ask so right it's yeah the ultimate villain he hands gopher three boxes and tells him to deliver them on the list of names says make sure you don't tell them who sent them he also takes the time to correct gopher's grammar. So just this this guy is basically just knocking old ladies out of wheelchairs and kicking kicking dogs.

SPEAKER_01 50:51

This guy is just a cartoon he's like a he's like a heel from the 70s in Memphis like terrible I guarantee you if this ship was sinking that women and children first thing would be out the door Mallory would say I want my own rescue boat.

SPEAKER_00 51:07

Like did Andy did Andy Kaufman get all his heel bits from from Brian Mallory Mallory Jerry somewhere Jerry Law somewhere in uh Memphis Jerry Lawler's taking notes and watching this episode intently Brian Mallory is the intergender champion of the world this guy sucks old muscle boy Dave is at the bar he's asking Isaac for some protein shakes and all this stuff which what the hell was a protein drink in 1980 was it the Joe Namous stuff probably apparently well notice he is drinking a a short glass of poolside milk not to be confused with the tall glass of poolside milk.

SPEAKER_01 51:49

This is the third time well after he strikes out with the protein stuff and Isaac offers him basically a grapefruit and a dirty glass he asks for skim milk from the bar outside in the sun they use skim milk a lot on cruises to make you know isn't it don't use skim milk in a pina colada isn't that what the colada is or I don't even know man I didn't even know they had skim milk in 1980 like that yeah I don't even know what that is it's just water it's water with white food coloring I think it's the top of like a jello pudding like I think it's just oh it's skin it's white skin it's not even off the pudding it's like the lid like it's whatever you scrape off the lid that's scraped that nonsense Pete is also there he's reading some books Doc rolls over and is like ah aspiring uh medical student and Pete's like nah I'm an old lawyer but he's but he's scared because he is going to be donating a kidney to his brother and he's reading up the procedure which as you found out with a triple bypass Mike don't read up about the procedures it's it's a big deal it really is a big deal can I just say that we are approaching my favorite line of the entire product different line than you know where I'm saying it I do I do know where I do know what we're saying but so Pete Pete brought those books I I don't I don't believe this library that gopher referenced earlier on the book would have gift shop.

SPEAKER_00 53:21

Oh gift shop there you go yeah farman's book of just lots of detailed anatomy surgery breakdown sure you know what it is David Barnes probably wrote the book and they got it after Doc had to call him you're interrupting my business what it is I'm I'm busy the Barnes book of surgeries big and small um Dave is kind of listening to this and he is aghast that anyone would give up a part of their body and after Pete kind of after Pete kind of leaves Dave's like what's he gonna look like what about the scar? What's he gonna look like in a bathing suit? Doc says go ahead brave I thought he said beautiful no he said brave really I thought he said beautiful brave makes more sense I thought he I could have swore he said bra maybe he did say beautiful and I heard brave it you know it could be I either way either way well we we really built that line up wow I built that up one of my favorite lines but I'm not sure what he said nice boy I'm really just hurting my credibility this time just uh I I will say though it's gotta be the quickest uh you know mini episode of Brick or I've ever seen we're not even really getting rolling here and he's already tapping into his uh doc was like I haven't really gotten to do a whole lot these first three episodes except you know try to have gopher killed by the drug police but but I'm I'm doing it tonight. Speaking of gopher he is delivering those packages he runs into Pete and hands it over Pete doesn't really worry too much about how weird it is that this is happening but he opens it up and it is a gold coin and it comes with a note the note says your cruise ticket and this gold coin are your gifts an even more lucrative prize awaits come to the terrace room at midnight for for further details.

SPEAKER_01 55:43

So what the cruise cost $39 and he gave him what a sack of Jawe he gave he gave him a a dollar coin and they're like ooh well to be fair as we found out a few weeks ago this really only costs him he gave out four gold coins right so it cost him $160 yeah that's it and who's to say why would these people go no what no make me I'm not going to that room i'm I'm gonna I'm hanging out on my free cruise make me I'm not what keep your stupid dollar coin what you don't want to get a you don't want to get a shot in the chops though well just it what's what's Mallory gonna do it's not like he's physically imposing he'd have something really something oh you don't think Brian Mallory was physically imposing did you watch the later episode part of the episode I I just well I mean it just like why didn't why didn't Peter Andrews go you know what I got enough going on I'm giving up a a body part I don't need this well because I mean if if somebody gives you a gold coin and they're like there's even more gold coins you'd probably go what are you doing?

SPEAKER_00 56:46

What's Pete doing he's not doing anything he can't have any fun he's got to give this kidney up he's on borrowed time as it is yeah that's true. Pete's kind of like that's weird and he leaves and gopher's like oh it's pretty intriguing but Pete's already gone gopher's way more into this than Pete's Pete's got bigger fish to fry. But he doesn't I think he just doesn't care. No he's not doing anything on the screws the brunette who we saw come in with Pete originally runs over to Gopher after Pete leaves. What was that about? What was in the box? What was in the box? Gopher's like well ma'am if it's not affecting your safety that's private information. And she tries to give him a dollar twenty seven HIPAA right there early HIPAA Yeah for all the information so we don't get a lot of reasoning behind it but she's clearly interested in Pete's doings okay Marsha is on the deck trying to get Dave to come down and give her the business gopher shows up and hands over the box and Dave's gonna kill him gopher's like I'm not into bronze which was funny I thought yeah she opens it up same same note same coin she's intrigued but Dave is the jealous kind and he's like I'm out of here poor Dave poor Dave he just wants some protein drinks and an appropriate size gym he can get neither on the ship and then finally Marvin gets his coin marvin thinks that this is from a female lusting after his body from his bookstore we get a little information that he does work at a bookstore there since they didn't give him any information when he first came on the boat. Yeah they yeah they they give nothing the the main thing we knew is this Jones Marvin Jones they didn't really frame him at all and just to make sure late addition to the story mine is this shit what's going on here like just to make sure you know he's a well read fellow his heart will not be a bird in a gilded cage I will not sell my heart for a woman's gold Gopher's like I'm on a banana boat and he's out of here back to Stubing he meets up with Charlie and he's like man you work all the time you should get somebody to help you out with this heavy workload Charlie's like that's a good idea but how would I find this guy and once I found him what would I how would I get him Charlie's playing him like a drum he's playing chess he really doesn't even know what chess is nope so Stubing's like well give him what he wants and so Van Patten cuts the crap he's like all right what do you want Stubing's like I'm a sailor I don't know anything about business I love to see but Charlie's like I can teach you all that stuff also comma I will triple your I've I know what you make which is weird yeah I know exactly how much and we're gonna make exactly three times that amount and I'll triple your salary now this is what do you think he made what do you think he made Stubing what do you think his his salary was well based on these college prices they talk about later I'm gonna say Stubing makes 50 grand that sounds about I have no idea but I'm gonna say 50 number out.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:13

Yeah I mean can you imagine somebody saying hey I'm gonna I'll triple your salary you just have to get off this boat but not this boat because this isn't really your boat your regular boat you'd have to leave.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:26

Well and the interesting thing is Van Patten does a great job this isn't an elite tactical mission by him he doesn't get him at the end but that probably is the best version anyway but yeah yeah but he'll be glad that he didn't Mike let's just say that he does it he does it tactfully but he is constantly shitting on Stubing's occupation yeah he's just like this is beneath you you're a glorified babysitter to 600 children like he's roasting them the whole thing he's like yeah there you are again let me tell you how much more your job sucks are Isaac had shown up to tell him about a staff meeting and so when they walk away uh Stubing's like man Charlie's persistent huh Isaac asks if he's gonna consider it and Stubbing says no but Isaac asks to put a good word in for him Isaac is always around to hear bartender's ears man a light very light Isaac episode by the way yeah well thank God he speaks French or he wouldn't have gotten in this thing at all nothing smart move. Julie is with Roger she's filling him in on some of the this is the closest we get to the totem pole with some information so we're just hearing all the amazing things that Aruba has to offer and then there's Maud. So she shows back up she comes and she's just again just lighting into Julie about trying to steal your man I saw what you did on the deck and and all this kind of stuff. So we have established and Julie says I wouldn't touch him in for a hundred years like it was just like but she's Julie is not interested Maud thinks that she is the most interested Roger is probably too dumb to be playing it coy honestly I don't think he understands what's happening. I don't think he understands what's happening why doesn't Maud just yell at him wouldn't that solve this whole problem nip it in the bud I mean they deserve each other probably like but it's a two hour episode Mink you know what I mean we have to make it last so you know meeting action so at first I thought this was terrible but then I realized it's not their boat so maybe it's somebody else's problem but we have to we have to stop in San Juan for a rum refill and doc said we can get some more antibiotics if we need them at one of the island ports. It's like you guys just left you guys just started the crew how much rum did you go through you you we did you do inventory but what do you do well my assumption is they just took over the boat but again no explanation of why they're on this boat how many times they're on this boat. How much antibiotics do you need on a ship?

SPEAKER_01 1:03:14

Like what are you what's going on?

SPEAKER_00 1:03:16

I mean everybody's having a lot of sex that's what I'm saying like they're just gonna have to you have to disinfect the uh the old island princess when you're done with her this meeting is about to wrap up and and there's Maud again she knocks on the door they that this is my point like they would go at long stretches with n nothing from this thing but then they would go back to back a lot which was almost worse. Stupid Maud Maud checks in with the captain again a little too accessible if you can just go knock on the captain's door for this crab. How doesn't he have like a yeah like an assistant he should he should have asked Schneider if he could have kept his bodyguard from last week that would have been great. That would have been a giant guy to bring him his donuts too at three o'clock every day that would have been great if they had done that never change the character but also never referenced the character he just always stood in the corner of Stubberg weird that's odd. He's always somewhere he's standing in the Acapulco lounge you know he's there somewhere right he's like hovering over the captain's table he is the captain's table he is the captain's table exactly Stubing doesn't or sorry Maud basically is like calling Julia Vamp which is where we get that title she's been all over her fiancee and she wants her reprimanded doc is still there and plays this one for snarky oh yeah sarcasm and snarkiness yeah and at first I thought Stubing was going to kind of like yell at Doc about being like that but I don't think Stubing buys this either this is as this is as like dismissive of somebody Stubing can be really but Stubing's checked out he's on the onto that new job at this point he's dreaming about three times his salary the other thing can you define vamp for me? I mean vamp I guess is almost like succubus or like you know just like vamping I mean I it's I've never heard that term before but I the way they're the way they're treating it is that man steal or Jezebel home wrecker I would imagine those are what they're going for. Fair enough fair enough throwing yourself at somebody as Julie put it later pawing and calling so yeah doc's doc's solution is that twenty lashes is the usual punishment of the sea for a vamp. Maud is thrown by this and just asks for a stern talking to Stoping says fine she leaves and then they're like Julie wouldn't throw herself at someone like that would she? They're like wow yeah Doc says she's young, she's got time to learn. I don't think she would try to we we've talked about this. She's not one to steal another man yet.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:11

Well, except that first guy was married. Not to say she stole him from another woman.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:19

Yeah. But she didn't know that.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:21

Well, I know, but I'm that's what I'm saying. That's the difference, right? She's not she's not the man eater. You know what I mean? She sort of gets in those situations. The man snacker. Yeah, yeah. So I I yeah, I I yeah, with you. I'm she's not the type to just try to steal somebody's man, I don't think.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:44

We're in the Mallory cabin. Janet asks, What what are we doing here? What's all this mystery? What is this? What are we doing? Mallory's like, when you were my secretary many years ago, you stayed out of my business. It's an admirable trait you should employ currently. Or someone this guy's such a also again, just like we didn't need another villain point, but it's like he's banging his secretary, like Jesus.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:12

This Brian Mallory is a real son of a bitch. Guaranteed he was married, and that was his secretary.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:18

Like this guy just checks all of the a-hole second second wife energy for sure. 100%.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:24

Nobody's that confident with the first marriage. Jeez. Mm-mm. That's that's that's that's a yeah. You know, no, no, no, that's not first wife energy at all.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:38

Gopher shows up and reports that all the boxes have been delivered, and Mallory flips one over to Burl Smith because there's one more name on the list, and it's Burl Smith. Gopher looks glows outside, looks at the coin, and we get a dramatic why me. And that's the end of the first act.

SPEAKER_03 1:07:56

Oh.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:57

Don't worry, we only have eight more acts.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:00

Jesus.

SPEAKER_01 1:08:03

Act two. I don't understand. I don't understand. I don't get it. You have all these stories, and it's I just why didn't they just make a one-hour episode? I don't like there's so much crap in this episode. You did not need a two-hour episode at all for any of this. There's so much fluff, there's so many people, there's so it's just there's so many dead ends and so many storylines that don't mean anything. It's frustrating. It's like they're just throwing all this crap. And like, well, here we'll just throw, you know, it when in doubt, throw another storyline in.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:41

It's just well, and this one more than any, more than any that we've ever seen, is because of the nature of the travel log that we're doing here, right? It's so much stock footage, it's so much voiceover. It's just it's just filling insane, it's so much padding. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Everybody has gathered at the terrace room at midnight. Let's get some deets on what's happening. Marvin is not thrilled that other men are here. He's open-minded, but not that open-minded, Mike. But it's kind of funny. Kind of funny. Uh Gopra's like, it's not what you think. Uh, she didn't send it, uh, he did. Mallory shows up. Mallory shows up with Janet. And of course, you know, JJ knows him because he's a famous writer. But he's he's also like, Do you write to the wife? And it's like, just because your husband or wife does a job doesn't mean you can do it.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:38

Oh, they said that to her, and I was like, Oh, but he's gonna there's gonna be physical contact. He's Brad Mallory's gonna get so mad at that.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:47

She starts to answer that she used to, and he basically is like, No one wants to hear from you.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:53

So this guy.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:55

All right, so Mallory lays out the quest. So basically, he is in exchange for the free cruise and the gold coin, he needs the help of these four folks to locate his long-lost nephew, Tom Mallory. Good question to ask. And JJ asks it, like, why wouldn't you just have a private eye? Well, there's no known pictures of Brian or of uh Tom Mallory, Mike. In fact, the only photographs that exist are those in the minds of the people that have seen them. And who's seen them? Well, wouldn't you know it? It's these four people. How did anyone figure that out? I have no idea.

SPEAKER_01 1:10:39

It's the thinnest of thin line. Like it I when there he's saying this, I'm like, this is the caper. You set the stage for a caper, and this is it. The thinnest of storyline. Like there's no God.

SPEAKER_00 1:10:56

So the people that have the pe the people that have been gathered. JJ Marvin knows Tom because he was a frequent customer at Marvin's bookstore. Aisle 12, in fact. Some sort of religion aisle. Connie Stevens was in the same apartment building as him. Turns out that old Peter Andrews is an attorney and helped settle a claim where Tom Mallory hurt his ankle. And Gopher might know him from playing chess on a previous cruise about six months ago. Sure.

SPEAKER_01 1:11:33

Gopher comes to picture IDs back then. Like, how would you just happen to have you know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_00 1:11:39

It just Which of the four meetings is the least likely that you would remember them?

SPEAKER_01 1:11:47

Oh, definitely the gopher one. You think? Because he sees hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of people.

SPEAKER_00 1:11:53

If I had to rank them, if I had to rank them, I would say Connie Stevens is then third least likely because an apartment building laundromat, and let's be honest, after we met Tom, not a dynamo. Not a super. I'm pretty sure Connie Stevens is having a lot of people run through that apartment.

SPEAKER_01 1:12:11

Yeah, yeah, she's not a lonely woman. Let's just say that.

SPEAKER_00 1:12:16

Pete didn't seem to remember him, but at least he has like a name and that kind of stuff. And then Marvin probably would be the first.

SPEAKER_01 1:12:22

So why wouldn't Isaac be looped in? Why would he be? Well, he knows what the guy looks like. He took the picture. Well, how did I guess the only well yeah out of all the people to recognize him? Well, they didn't know about the picture though, right? How would they well how would they? I don't know. I don't how else would they know? With gopher gopher loose lip sink ships telling stories about passengers he's played chess with, like you know what I mean? First name, last name. Maybe he was just I gotta I gotta log in for my rankings. Like it just doesn't make any sense.

SPEAKER_00 1:12:58

Yeah, it's uh it's that I guess the only I guess well because it's funny, I was gonna say, well, maybe you wouldn't go to the bartender because what are the odds the bartender would remember he's gonna see a million faces? But a bartender probably would be the most likely. I mean, Isaac just spotted Ted Knight from an engagement party 10 years ago, like a couple weeks ago. So that's a good point. You know what it probably is? Brian Mallory is probably racist, and he had to take Marvin. He had to take a Marvin, so he couldn't have two black people on the quest. The long and short of it, too late, is that Tom took the boat where he met Gopher, which is weird now because that means there's three, at least three times that the love boat crew ran the Island Princess, right?

SPEAKER_01 1:13:45

Right. Well, then the next one's next week. I think the next two part is next week. More Caribbean.

SPEAKER_00 1:13:51

It's only 90 minutes, it's only 90 minutes next week. I can't do another two-part Caribbean. No more. No Moss. I'll do another Cowboys episode. So the upshot is that because Tom took this cruise, he may have gotten off at one of the ports. Tom wants to, or uh Brian Mallory wants to find him, and so this is his best shot, his only shot. And so they're just basically gonna take the boat, get off, look for this guy who they kind of sort of remember once, and I'm sure they'll find him. No reason really given as to why.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:28

There's so many things wrong with this storyline.

SPEAKER_00 1:14:31

I mean, I'm not gonna but listen, Mike, all this searching will not be for free. If they do find information that leads to the whereabouts of Tom Mallory, the four of them will split $100,000, which is fifty thousand dollars more than the marathon. So Yeah, who get Ed White would have found him for for a house and a car.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:59

That's it. Here you can keep the cash. Mallory should have talked to him. Jeez, he messed around. Ed White would have Ed White would have found him for sure. 100% because now he needs he needs something. He got he got hope.

SPEAKER_00 1:15:14

Now he's just married.

SPEAKER_01 1:15:16

He's like, I'm never leaving this boat until I win something. This is my chance.

SPEAKER_00 1:15:20

We didn't look, I didn't even remember to look for Ed White in the group marriage shot. Did he even get married?

SPEAKER_01 1:15:25

I don't I'm gonna look for him on this, go back and see if he's in any of the background shots when you on the the island princess. Jeez, poor Ed White.

SPEAKER_00 1:15:35

Isaac, okay, so we get kind of a back and forth here with in the bar, which isn't the pirates cove, it is the bar they use. So this is where it's like they at least did the effort to have island princess things. Right. Right?

SPEAKER_01 1:15:51

So pirates would be in the Caribbean, not in the Pacific, wouldn't they?

SPEAKER_00 1:15:57

Well maybe they couldn't, maybe they couldn't get Disney. Maybe it's gonna be Pirates of the Atlantic Ocean. That's right.

SPEAKER_01 1:16:03

Yeah, last time I didn't go on Pirates of the Pacific, you know, the Mexican Riviera, I believe it was. Go ahead.

SPEAKER_00 1:16:11

Eye patches of Aruba. Isaac is pretty impressed by this whole this whole thing. And while this is happening, him and Gopher are talking. Mallory shows up just so we can insult Janet some more. No kidding.

SPEAKER_01 1:16:31

Here she comes again.

SPEAKER_00 1:16:32

So the back and forth basically is gopher's like, I just wish I could remember what Tom looked like. I know we played chess, but I just can't remember. And Isaac's like, well, we could probably look at that picture I took, which is on the crew bulletin board.

SPEAKER_01 1:16:45

It took Isaac two seconds to know what they were talking about. Like, what?

SPEAKER_00 1:16:51

So when Gopher and Tom were playing chess, Isaac just happened to be trying out his new camera and took a picture because Gopher made a dumb face. That all makes actual sense.

SPEAKER_01 1:17:01

Like that totally makes sense. I get that.

SPEAKER_00 1:17:04

What doesn't make sense is Isaac puts it on this bulletin board of a boat that they don't work on and remembers what color pin he used. Did they have rainbow colors back then for bulletin board taxes?

SPEAKER_01 1:17:19

You had black. That's all you had. You had black. No clear. No, none of that's wonder he remembered the red. But again, he rem come on. Again, it's just I'm just my mental list of things that I'm unhappy with right now is just getting longer by the second. It's just it's just okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:17:38

So while this is happening, Janet is asking Mallory why she treats him, why he treats her so badly, worse than the dog. Well, at least the dog listens and does what she's told.

SPEAKER_01 1:17:50

Well, what did she expect asking that question to Brian frickin' Mallory? Like, what did you what kind of answer do you have?

SPEAKER_03 1:17:54

We've seen the first two actions. Janet, Jesus.

SPEAKER_01 1:17:57

And those weren't based on question, like loaded questions. Boy, you'd you just threw old Brian Mallory a meatball right over the plate. He's not gonna miss that one. Then he's like, You're stupid, Janet. Like, Jesus.

SPEAKER_00 1:18:11

Then he's like, Well, if you're not happy, you can always leave. And I think she's stunned by this. Like legitimately stunned that she could leave.

SPEAKER_01 1:18:21

He was playing her bluff.

SPEAKER_00 1:18:22

He's like, Nah, he's too busy inhaling a glass of brandy.

SPEAKER_01 1:18:28

Just another sippable beverage for him. He doesn't give two craps.

SPEAKER_00 1:18:31

So she she leaves with a couple zingers about, well, I always do what I'm told. Doc approaches a crying Janet on the deck asking if she's running away. It seems like Doc didn't know who it was while he was hitting on her, and then when he realized it, he said, Oh, hello, Mrs. Mrs. Mallory. So I think he doc was coming in hotter than he probably intended to initially. She is crying. She's got nowhere to stay. And she can't possibly go back. Mallory found out that there's no rooms on the boat. But she could stay in the Paul Williams suite. What a big thing. You know what I mean? And he's like fresh air. He's like, it's pretty cold up on the deck, and she's like, not as cold as it is here. They're all, they're just they're all throwing alley oops to each other. They're just like. Long story short, Doc says you can stay in my room. And Janet's like, I know it's the love boat, which it's not, by the way. It's the Island Princess. I don't know what the rules are here. Do you like Japanese rogues? Oh, here we go. So Doc says, No, don't worry, I'll check myself into the infirmary. There's nobody in there yet. Janet says, I'll I'll take the infirmary. Doc makes up basically some medical excuse to get her in there. And so Janet will be staying in the infirmary.

SPEAKER_01 1:20:03

Sure. Which is just another name for Doc's cabin, right? Oh, welcome to the infirmary.

SPEAKER_00 1:20:10

I mean, there's a lot of episodes where Doc should have stayed in the infirmary, but he slept in a bathtub or his waiting table.

SPEAKER_01 1:20:19

Captain of Stubing's office. Remember that whole thing? Oh, yeah. There's no reason for that.

SPEAKER_00 1:20:25

Marcia checks in with our boy Dave. He's pretty upset about last night. Marcia got in around one o'clock, explaining what was going on, and now she expects him to perform.

SPEAKER_01 1:20:36

She should've made a flesh and what's going on. He's made a flesh and blood, Mike. You can't just show up at 1 a.m. Like, come on. Come on.

SPEAKER_00 1:20:45

Especially because it took what nine seconds for her to explain the plot to him, and he was fine with it. Yeah, he was totally fine.

SPEAKER_01 1:20:51

Just let me know what's going on. How about you just communicate with me, Marshall Brand? That's all. Just here's what I need. I need protein drinks, I need a proper gym, and honesty. Really, it's just three things and and nitty fish netty shirts. Five things. That's all I asked for. That's it. Like a simple guy to please.

SPEAKER_00 1:21:12

Too many titles already. But you're right, because Dave is fine with this, and now it's time to bat.

SPEAKER_03 1:21:18

Yeah, he's fine.

SPEAKER_01 1:21:20

Time for sex. Dave Porter. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:21:24

Uh Vicki. Vicki asks her dad if he could be a father and play ping pong with her. There's no kids on this boat, which is something that, you know, is going to happen. Maybe you shouldn't live here.

SPEAKER_01 1:21:39

Oh, tell that to the scar in her hand. The blood, the blood brother scar. You better be quiet, Vicky. Good thing that didn't come up.

SPEAKER_00 1:21:48

Yeah, but also maybe that's good it didn't come up when the social services was getting.

SPEAKER_01 1:21:52

Yeah, it's true. Well, what's what's that scar? Oh, well, we went down below. We found a stowaway and we all cut her hands open and we put them together.

SPEAKER_00 1:22:00

Like it's November 15th, Vicky. How much schoolwork have you have you done on the November?

SPEAKER_01 1:22:05

Yeah, what what do you I've not seen her do any schoolwork, by the way, the entirety.

SPEAKER_00 1:22:10

Just Well, she's playing ping pong.

SPEAKER_01 1:22:13

Well, that's true. I know she's a racket sport enthusiast based on her. You know, she played what what she's the next Tracy Austin.

SPEAKER_00 1:22:24

That's right. She played she invented pickleball.

SPEAKER_01 1:22:27

That's it. She didn't even know it. Good for you, Vicky.

SPEAKER_00 1:22:31

The upshot, of course, is that Stubing doesn't have time to play with his daughter, and the boat is no place to, you know, obviously. It's too busy with my work. She heads out. Here comes Doc. There's a problem. A lady, Miss Lottie, tripped on the carpet and she's threatening to sue. Doc thinks it's more about attention than litigation, but he promised her a seat at the captain's table and he'll he'll split time with Yeah, that'll make it all better.

SPEAKER_01 1:22:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:22:59

Yeah. It did, I guess. We never saw her after that. Maybe Doc threw her over the rails. Jesus.

SPEAKER_01 1:23:04

Do you like cod? Do you like to eat cod at the captain's table? No? Then I'm gonna throw you overboard.

SPEAKER_00 1:23:11

Sorry, you're gonna die.

SPEAKER_01 1:23:12

Sorry. We can't afford any more insurance investigations.

SPEAKER_00 1:23:17

Now it's time for Julie to get her, you know, her talking to. Julie's like, listen, the less I see these clowns, the better. Julie is on board with this Stubing ruling. So she's fine with that. Stooping's actually having a pretty good day. He's he's killing it, except for the parents. He's looking like a million bucks. Yeah, but he's kind of reagoning a little bit. He's doing really well.

SPEAKER_01 1:23:37

He's yeah, he's he's looking good right now. Well, especially the old old uh Charlie Danger. Yeah. Dillinger or Danger, whatever his name is. Charlie Danger.

SPEAKER_00 1:23:47

The flagpole for himself. Charlie Danger. Here comes Charlie. And he's like, Hey, have you had a chance to have you have you had a chance to listen? Have you had a chance to listen, not listen, geez, read the annual report that I gave you? Stub's like, not yet. And he said, You should, it's pretty interesting. And then he starts talking about, you know, he does the hard sell for Vicky in New York and all these kind of things. He kind of craps on the job again and he heads off. And we get like a contemplative stubing heading to commercial break. We can talk about it now, or we can talk about it later. But like they did a really good job. I'm gonna say this nothing in this episode ended well. No, nothing. Everything went went poorly, but up until the ending, logic, they did a really good job because it's true. Stubing, no matter how much you like the boat, you got a 13-year-old kid. Like, this is a way better life for you and her. Sure, sure. Like this this you know, you can get a get a boat and go out in the in the Hudson.

SPEAKER_01 1:25:06

It's three times your salary, right? It's it's stability, it's a group of peers that she could go to school with. Yeah, it's a house, it's like you know what?

SPEAKER_00 1:25:14

In the summer, you can go to Hamptons and ride around in a little in a little boat.

SPEAKER_01 1:25:18

You can draw a picture of a boat while you eat donuts every day at 3 p.m. You don't need it, you can still wear the uniform. You can get three donuts, he's making three times the money. Do whatever, yeah. You don't have to oh that's true, three times a day.

SPEAKER_00 1:25:30

Woo! That would have been funny if, like, and as a sweetener.

SPEAKER_01 1:25:34

I'm gonna pay you in powdered donuts. I'm Charlib Donuts or Danger, Dillinger, Charlie Donuts.

SPEAKER_00 1:25:45

Act three. Doc and Janet are dining together, which is funny because why? Well, during the initial thing on the deck, she was like, please, you know, let's keep this quiet. And then you're just gonna have dinner in the middle of the doing.

SPEAKER_01 1:26:01

Come on, man. You know bold old Brian Mallory's gonna be lurking. Why would you do that?

SPEAKER_00 1:26:06

You know your drunk, vindictive husband is gonna find out. No kidding. And just to show how awful her life has been, she doesn't even know how to order, Mike. She hasn't even ordered for herself in so long. Have you ever ordered for somebody? Hmm. Like without it being like, I don't know what I want, or you've been here before, but like in a I'm ordering for you way. That is insane.

SPEAKER_01 1:26:30

No, God, no. I mean, I I I've had the opposite.

SPEAKER_00 1:26:36

That's not insane. That's you are definitely the Janet Mallory.

SPEAKER_01 1:26:40

Yeah, I'm definitely the Janet. Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. I live with Brian Mallory. Yeah, no, that tracks. Wow, this hits home way more than I thought this episode did. In a very special episode.

SPEAKER_00 1:26:53

It's fine. She doesn't listen. Yeah, she'll never hear it. Super clean. It's fine.

SPEAKER_01 1:26:59

But yeah, that's that is a weird. It's a very TV.

SPEAKER_00 1:27:03

Maybe I'm wrong. That's an extreme thing to do. It does feel like a trope, though. Right? It's like she'll have the like that's I don't know. I've never seen that in real life. And maybe it exists, you know.

SPEAKER_01 1:27:15

But I mean, I I used to wait tables. I never saw that. Like that's a that's an aggressive, weird.

SPEAKER_00 1:27:22

I'm gonna try that next time at dinner.

SPEAKER_01 1:27:24

Oh see what happens. Please tell me what happens. Can't even just see.

SPEAKER_00 1:27:31

I'll just order the wrong thing.

SPEAKER_01 1:27:33

She'll have oh, that'd be great. She'll have a happy meal. See, I it wouldn't go well. I'm telling you, it uh that's not gonna go well. Yeah, it's a weird move. But also, boy, Janet Mallory has zero confidence. What the hell her?

SPEAKER_00 1:27:49

Well, I think we're seeing what happened to her.

SPEAKER_01 1:27:51

They the more doing a she had to have no confidence coming into this if if if it's like this now.

SPEAKER_00 1:27:57

I mean, I don't think this guy, as much as Turned on the dime the other way at the end. Think he was like a happy-go-lucky guy until they got on the boat.

SPEAKER_01 1:28:06

Oh, and I don't think that turn at the end is a permanent turn. I think once an a-hole, always an a-hole. He was just saying that crap to get her off the boat. And he's like, now that we're off the boat, Janet, she'll have the unearned. Unearned. Unearned. 100%.

SPEAKER_00 1:28:23

All right. Miss Lottie is at the captain's table. Pretty, pretty crappy. Captain's table again. Last week we had like the Cowboys cheerleaders and a prince. And this week it's Charlie Charlie Dauber and Charlie, yeah, Charlie, Charlie Donut. And pending litigation. Awful. She's very impressed by all Stubing's trappings and his captain's stripes and all that stuff. Then she finds out that that old Charlie is single. And so she's on to the next one. Sit down, Stubing. There you go. Um, which means because they're both single, so basically, she's way more attracted to Dick Van Patten. So which has to be a real burn for Gavin. Like that's so Yeah, I I prefer.

SPEAKER_01 1:29:11

That is funny. It's a real who's who of early 1980s hunks, back-to-back DvP or old.

SPEAKER_00 1:29:19

Sorry, is this is this table brought to you by Tiger Beat?

SPEAKER_01 1:29:22

I mean, it's it's not fair. If if Dick Van Patten was wearing Stubing's outfit, I think that's the only way to really in that but he would look terrible in that outfit.

SPEAKER_00 1:29:31

Well, this is the this is a thing that we didn't talk about. Maybe we talked about it the first time, but in one of those failed love boat pilots, he was the ship doctor. Now Stubing was not the captain.

SPEAKER_01 1:29:42

Yeah, I don't like that. I don't like that at all. I don't get I don't get doctor energy from Dick Van Patten Cruise.

SPEAKER_00 1:29:50

No, but I definitely got a chemistry with him and Stubing that I think something could have something could have happened. I agree. Yeah. We will at some point, we've said this, we will at some point go back and watch those, and they will not make any sense to us because of obviously what we've seen. But I feel like that at least made me think that Dick Van Patten could have done this.

SPEAKER_01 1:30:12

Well, yeah, we never watch the pilot. No.

SPEAKER_00 1:30:15

No, we'll we'll get in there eventually.

SPEAKER_01 1:30:16

Yeah, we should put that in the old, you know what? Yeah. Okay.

unknown 1:30:21

Why?

SPEAKER_00 1:30:21

Because you said Hopper 20 times you're done?

SPEAKER_01 1:30:23

I could see. I can't say it again. Yeah, over the line. So you've used all your ABS challenges. That's it. That's it. And and my last hydration break. So I'm really just trying to get through.

SPEAKER_00 1:30:34

Doc, who volunteered to help out, comes over, sees that Stubing is drowning, and asks to take Miss Lottie for a walk on the deck. And this is, of course, where he throws her overboard because we don't we don't see her the rest of the episode. So free cruise.

SPEAKER_01 1:30:48

Goodbye. Your patty moves. Hey Gavin, sorry about that. She sinks like those bottles of ketchup from season one. Goodbye. No insurance claim for you.

SPEAKER_00 1:31:02

Isaac asks Pete how the kidney's doing, kind of a dry-by. And as Pete leaves, here comes that brunette again, like a psychopath. No kidding. So this is like really good Isaac reaction acting. Because she's like, Did you ask about the kidney? What did he say? All that stuff. And Isaac's just like, Yep, nope, okay. Like, and it was just very classic Ted Lang being great at little stuff. But again, we're going way too far into this. Because just as a note, there's only four acts in the first part. So these are longer acts. So we're much longer. We're very far into the first part. We're before they explain it. They don't explain it to the very end, basically, of the first part. And this woman just comes off like a crazy person. So Charlie's back. He is working on Stubing. This is where they this is after Miss Lottie clears out. And they're talking about college. This is also where he gets in a couple shots about being a den mother for 600 children. He starts to hit on you know how much college costs. And Stubing is basically like, I don't know, $4,000, which I have no idea back then what college costs. I know a state school in the mid-90s tuition was maybe $5,000 a semester. So but that was in state and all that stuff. Like I don't even yeah. And isn't wait a minute, isn't California school aren't California state schools free for residents? I don't know. I don't know that. True. Well, I guess he lives in the sea, so he'd have to go to the University of the Sea.

SPEAKER_01 1:32:55

Or that totem pole. See if they're giving out associate degrees in the middle of the Pacific. Totem pole U? Just right. TPU, baby. Woo! And the other thing, Vicky's like 12. Why what are we doing here? 13. 13. Well, she could be 12. It's not like she's going to school. There's nothing. We'd never see her do again. Why are you talking college? Maybe college isn't in Vicky's future. No, maybe Rack on that star. Just something, but it's ridiculous. They're like, uh school, college, college. But I've never seen her open a book. I've seen her cut her hand open, but I've never seen her open a book.

SPEAKER_00 1:33:30

Whatever the whatever the cost of college is, it's way more, at least according to Charlie, who is probably playing it up. He's single. He doesn't have any kids. He doesn't know. He has no idea.

SPEAKER_01 1:33:40

So they call Charlie bullshit. He's just slinging nonsense to get Stubing to go. Oh college, uh there's more donuts in New York. Like, whatever he's got to do.

SPEAKER_00 1:33:50

He's definitely got one on the line, that's for sure. So he's just he's pressing it pretty hard. And again, it's a good tactic. You know, like Stubing needs to think about these things.

SPEAKER_01 1:34:02

So what job could this guy possibly be recruiting for where he's like, I gotta have that guy? Like what they never really said what it was.

SPEAKER_00 1:34:12

No, they never said what the company makes me mad. Like, so what job pays that much? Do you think he took over Larson Industries, the Larson box and paper company? That's funny. I I don't know. Oh, maybe he's running the transit the the room of Glanning's hospital. It's just all from that episode.

SPEAKER_01 1:34:33

It's just an odd thing. It's just he can't count. We've seen that. He's he's he likes to wear shirts.

SPEAKER_00 1:34:39

It's just like it's and especially well, because we know who's on next week, right? So if you're gonna talk businessmen, you know, we gotta have maybe that's why they didn't say anything. Maybe it is Collins machinery. Maybe I'm just trying to think of all the businesses we've heard.

SPEAKER_01 1:34:54

Yeah, I it's just odd.

SPEAKER_00 1:34:56

Like, what do you possibly I would have liked this show is famous for not giving us anything, but like I would have liked a one sentence like Dillinger hardware is doing great.

SPEAKER_01 1:35:11

Maybe he's working for Flears or or Pat Meritas Company that Gary Collins worked for. I mean, who knows?

SPEAKER_00 1:35:17

Well, he's in New York, he's in New York in 1980, it could be virtually anything, right? So it's very odd. I bought Studio 54.

SPEAKER_01 1:35:27

Don't work for it. I want you to manage the doorman. What?

SPEAKER_00 1:35:31

Oh, I've seen some crap. Doc and Janet are dancing, once again, not a discreet move by these guys.

SPEAKER_01 1:35:42

Let's keep it quiet. Then we get a smooch. That's just okay so this kind of bugged me here. Cause it I think this kind of crossed the line. I mean, obviously crossed the line. Doc knows she's married. Like, are you kidding? Come on, man. What's the what's is that is it that important to you? Like, it just bugged me. I don't think he would do that.

SPEAKER_00 1:36:08

Well, especially because it's not consistent in terms of then later when she's clearly coming for respite that he backs away. And to your point, like you literally met the husband what yesterday? Yeah. Like, so it is for people, it's not like she kissed him, it was more of a mutual kiss.

SPEAKER_01 1:36:31

And it wasn't a stolen kiss under the bright lights, you know, where what's his name likes to make out. Yeah, it's not even that.

SPEAKER_00 1:36:38

It's it it's just you would also think you would also think after all these years, Doc would know. If you're ever gonna kiss anybody, don't do it there. Because of course who is Jerry knows where to go. Who's up on the who's up on who's up on the rail, Mike?

SPEAKER_01 1:36:54

Of course Brian Mallor's on the rail drinking sherry.

SPEAKER_00 1:36:57

Drinking sherry and glaring us to our next commercial break.

SPEAKER_01 1:37:00

Petting his white cat. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:37:03

All right. Now, everything that happens in here is weird for its own reason. Literally, everything is just it is weird and wild, and it starts with okay. So we basically get I assume it's not real, right? It's probably like it's probably taken from real transcripts of what actually happened. But we we get a communication between the prince, well, sorry, the island princess and the Panama Canal operator, you know, basically tower clearing the the princess to come in. You have to like get hooked up to a bunch of like pulley systems and all this stuff, fill it with water, it's a whole thing. Yeah, but it's literally like there are princess trucking there for the it's it's like a lot of that, and it was interesting, it was weird as hell to start a scene like that, and we're just getting more stock footage as it happens, but it went on and on and on. It felt like a Nova or something like that. Like if this episode aired at the if this aired at the planetarium in like 1990, it would have made sense. Like so.

SPEAKER_01 1:38:28

But it also like it it was so much of this act was that just like in facts about it. Just they were I again it just filling time at this point.

SPEAKER_00 1:38:40

And then they follow that all up with gopher, Burl Smith Hyde's assistant personal Burl Smith, and here is 95 seconds of Panama Canal facts.

SPEAKER_01 1:38:55

And that's not scripted, he just knows a lot about the Panama Canal. Let me just get this off my chest. That's a that's a Fred Grandy thing.

SPEAKER_00 1:39:03

Mike, were there any facts from this first session that stuck out to you? Because I have a few.

SPEAKER_01 1:39:07

Not a one. Not a one.

SPEAKER_00 1:39:10

Well, at one point I'm like, oh, I'll write them down, and they just kept going.

SPEAKER_01 1:39:13

They just kept going. And I was like, I would uh same thing. I was like, I should jot.

SPEAKER_00 1:39:18

So it took half a century to complete over 50,000 workers. And the one that I thought was interesting was the island princess pays twenty thousand dollars for use of the canal. But they save that money. Well, they save that money in gas and mileage. What a what a miracle.

SPEAKER_01 1:39:45

They don't save it, they're just not going all the way around South America to get the as a but as a selling point, it's one less day, I guess, or whatever.

SPEAKER_00 1:39:57

I don't know. That cruise last week took 18 days.

SPEAKER_01 1:39:59

That's what I'm saying. It's not you know what we're gonna do all a favor. We're not gonna go around the base of South America down to the bottom of the Argentina by the Falkland Islands and go all the way back up instead. We're gonna get a lecture on the Panamonka now.

SPEAKER_00 1:40:17

All right, so Pete did he back into somebody or run into somebody? It was like one of those uh weird ones with the carts, the luggage carts, but yeah, basically he gets pumped into this entire scene, is just this whole act is just amazing voiceover. It's just so bad.

SPEAKER_01 1:40:40

No mics, no mics apparently worked on this scene. It was very odd.

SPEAKER_00 1:40:44

Pete kind of gets jostled basically, and here comes up brunette again flying out of nowhere. Watch where you're going, all that kind of stuff. And Pete's like, alright. It's almost the end of Aqua, it's almost the end of the first episode. Like, what are we what's your story here? You've been up my you've been up my asshole.

SPEAKER_01 1:41:00

Yeah, you've been up and Keister the whole time, lady.

SPEAKER_00 1:41:04

So this is Sharon Patrick, and she is engaged to Pete's brother. Now, Pete's brother and him don't necessarily talk all the time, but he talks enough to him to donate a kidney. Basically, she is here to babysit Pete's kidney and make sure that he doesn't do anything too damaging and also that he doesn't chicken out. This is insane. This is just such a throwaway.

SPEAKER_01 1:41:35

Yeah, I mean, Pete already has something to do in this cruise. I don't know why they needed this extra layer of unnecessary. Because it really shows the storyline.

SPEAKER_00 1:41:48

It doesn't affect really anything.

SPEAKER_01 1:41:50

No. It's just there were interactions between the two of them, but there's no big picture. It didn't do anything.

SPEAKER_00 1:41:58

If you really if you really want to give Pete something else to do, why not have her be the fifth person that knows, you know, and have him like they kind of go on. I because he ended up hanging out with he ended up hanging out with Connie Stevens a lot.

SPEAKER_01 1:42:15

Right.

SPEAKER_00 1:42:15

But but that didn't mean anything.

SPEAKER_01 1:42:17

No. It would have been more circumstantial. And it it just would you know what I mean? It would have made more sense just for them to be in the same scenes a bit more than just this rando lady.

SPEAKER_00 1:42:27

Well, unless they would have given us that love triangle between Dave and Pete and Connie Stevens, like the wheel.

SPEAKER_01 1:42:33

Well, because it could have been like, you know, Pete's so smart, but Peter, I mean, but Dave is, you know, Dave is Dave. You know, look at that shirt.

SPEAKER_00 1:42:41

That would have been good. Uh Pete's Pete's gonna go drink to the ditch. But this, of course, is like Sharon's like, you can't. Your kidney is essentially gonna be a part of my life, which is they bring that up a lot. And that is like not a thing. Just a weird that is not a thing.

SPEAKER_01 1:42:59

So anyway. I'm surprised she didn't just harvest it herself at this point. Let's take a let's take a bath, Pete. Let's double mall. Jeez. I'm taking this kidney and I'm getting off at Moslow on and bring it home.

SPEAKER_00 1:43:13

Gopher's back with more facts. Fifteen thousand ships use the canal. It's a tribute, Mike, to commerce, but it's also a tribute to the 25,000 workers who lost their lives in building the Panama Canal. As we said in the first memorial. Yeah. Well, as we said in the first, 50,000 people worked on it, so half the people.

unknown 1:43:38

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_01 1:43:39

We had an attrition rate of 50%. What is it?

SPEAKER_00 1:43:43

Was it really worth it? Like, good lord. Well, thank God the princess is saving gas money. Jeez. Wow. As I said, this is 100% a commercial for Panama Canal?

SPEAKER_01 1:44:00

Yeah. The island princess.

SPEAKER_00 1:44:02

I don't I don't know what it is just so clearly they have softened us up with all these Panama Canal facts. How else would you what what are you gonna do here? What what exciting thing could you do to bring down people from the high of facts?

SPEAKER_01 1:44:18

Oh, so many good facts, sure.

SPEAKER_00 1:44:20

We are in the Mallory cabin. Janet is returning. Yeah, Janet is. She doesn't even answer him. That's like, oh, the disrespect. Uh-huh. And he's like, Well, I will just assume. I'll just make assumptions then. She's just she's kind of no selling them, right? She's not having it. Now bear in mind, of course, he saw what happened, too. Sure he did. So he's like, you're kind of embarrassing me with your behavior. And she said, Well, that's actually making it all the better. That's a little check for me. So Janet's feeling pretty good about herself.

SPEAKER_01 1:45:11

She's feeling very saucy right now. Sure.

SPEAKER_00 1:45:14

And then Prinel Roberts, like, who is a big dude? Kind of like corners Gail Honey. And I don't know if it was because they had to like shoot it in a way where obviously like they have to. He's probably like telling her now and like that kind of stuff or whatever, but they don't show his face. I guess Prinel Roberts was like, you can't see my face when I beat the hell out of my wife.

SPEAKER_01 1:45:37

What do you get? He got a he got like a uh a smack double.

SPEAKER_00 1:45:43

He sure did get a smack sound. So he corners her and he says, You're acting like a like a tart. And then he shorthands her right in the face.

SPEAKER_01 1:45:54

One of the I mean it's the worst technique. Yeah. It was really, yeah, that was a it it was, and I believe as well just punched her.

SPEAKER_00 1:46:04

Like it was rough. It was good lord. It was uncomfortable. I was not expecting it.

SPEAKER_01 1:46:10

Was the world just okay with like slapping women on TV?

SPEAKER_00 1:46:15

So we have had instances where people have joked about it. If you remember Kurt Stansel joked about joked and got a laugh track. That is true. I don't believe we've ever had a man hit a woman on the show.

SPEAKER_01 1:46:31

Yeah, I didn't and at this point I'm like they didn't need that to push the story, in my opinion.

SPEAKER_00 1:46:38

But well, and here's the thing. I'm like, well, you can't come back from that.

SPEAKER_01 1:46:43

Up until this point I'm like you shouldn't be able to come back from that.

SPEAKER_00 1:46:46

Up until this point, I'm like, okay, this guy's a cartoon villain. I'm gonna be bummed out when they go for the the face turn, but like honestly, but like after he hits her, I'm like, well, you can't you can't come back from that.

SPEAKER_01 1:46:57

It's Memphis wrestling, Mike, is exactly what it is. I mean, this guy, he he's getting police escort out of the out of the out of the arena every Saturday night. I mean, this is a new level of like, screw this guy.

SPEAKER_00 1:47:12

She leaves, no words, just walks out, heads right to Doc. And she's crying, and she's kind of holding her face. I I don't know much about much, but a guy Pernel Roberts' size, the short armor like that. I mean, you would just think she would have some redness or something like that. You gotta think it would mess her all up. You would think the doctor would have seen what it was.

SPEAKER_01 1:47:40

Well, especially it's not like a face is like used to getting hit. Right. You're gonna be red, your eyes are gonna be watery, like you're gonna be and there's gonna be some physical damage. Right, exactly. I mean that's a guy that size. He's not even wearing gloves or boxing gloves or anything, just raw dog hand.

SPEAKER_00 1:47:57

Just you know he's probably got some villain ring on, too.

SPEAKER_01 1:48:00

So oh, a big nugget ring, just lots of points on it. Yeah, he that's a new level of scumbag.

SPEAKER_00 1:48:08

She gets to Doc's cabin and she's like, take me, basically.

SPEAKER_01 1:48:12

Yeah. Which is a weird reaction to get into like well, that's a spite move right there.

SPEAKER_00 1:48:17

Which is a huge spite move. But why wouldn't it's interesting that she didn't say what happened. And I and I don't Doc would have handled business. Well, and I guess that's where I really have a problem with if you are if you are dug in that this has to end with them getting together, then why isn't it Doc goes and beats the shit out of Brian Mallory? Yes, or at least talks to him and dresses like something, but there was no inflection point to right, exactly.

SPEAKER_01 1:48:49

Nope. Anyway, but he totally would have. He would have seen the face, the face would have been warm, like all these things happen. It was the next scene after it. They should have let Bricker say something to this Joker.

SPEAKER_00 1:49:05

Doc is like not interested in in her this way. He's like, I want you, but not like this class act that Doc.

SPEAKER_01 1:49:14

And I heard a rumor you didn't like to wear Japanese robes. So hurt face or not, I you know. Yeah, so they'll there will be no smooching tonight, but it it is jarring to see that. I'm not and and I'm being completely serious. Like you don't you just don't see that.

SPEAKER_00 1:49:32

I didn't like it. I didn't like it. No, I didn't like it. I I didn't like it, and I know it's a time and all that stuff. Still just where this is we have gone through eighty episodes of this show. Yeah. We've seen a lot of stuff, but no one's ever laid hands on a woman. No, and I I I don't and then to basically have it not mean anything.

SPEAKER_01 1:49:55

Right. There's no he got no comeuppance really, yeah. Like he got rewarded. In the end. That's a bad look for Janet Mallory and Gail Hunnicut. You know what I mean? Imagine you're playing that role and you're like, wait a minute, he's gonna smack me, and then at the end we're gonna it's weird.

SPEAKER_00 1:50:12

It's just you just didn't because to your point, you could do the whole exact episode except take the smack out and probably be fine. And it's 1980, it's not like it's 1950 something. Like it just seems just yeah. Like I I know there are things that we don't understand because of the timing, but that's not one of them.

SPEAKER_01 1:50:30

That's that's I just don't know if it's understandable. I don't know, it wasn't necessary. I mean you didn't need to do he was already an asshole. Like you didn't need to do this, especially if you were gonna undo all of all of his villainous actions. Yeah, I I I it really made me uncomfortable. I I can't say it enough.

SPEAKER_00 1:50:50

The quest crew, that's how we'll be referring to them at the rest of the show. QC. The quest crew, they're kind of chatting it up, getting that first day's plan out. Gopher's kind of showing them the map and everything. Mallory shows up, he's like, tomorrow we ride. Like basically. So they ask if Mrs. Mallory's gonna be there, and he's like, nah, probably not. Probably not. And then JJ leads us to commercial. JJ thinks, by the way, at every stop that they're gonna find Tom Mallory. He is very optimistic for no reason.

SPEAKER_01 1:51:24

Just nothing. He just needs that money so badly. That's what it is.

SPEAKER_00 1:51:29

But he gets uh the search begins and we get a to be continued. So we will see you when the logo continues in a moment. We didn't actually get that, which is disappointing. But yeah, I like it when they do that. All right, so we are in the second part now, and this is not a lot's gonna happen, ladies and gentlemen.

SPEAKER_01 1:51:48

This is gonna go fast in the next 40 minutes.

SPEAKER_00 1:51:51

So, act five, we're gonna add some characters. We're gonna why not this is a lot of the voiceover and footage of all the places they are at and just nothing really of worth.

SPEAKER_01 1:52:09

So it's like what was the point of the Lucius car? I don't even understand what there was no point. Well, he I guess they needed a villain. Yeah, but like if you don't introduce him in the beginning, they got enough villains in this episode. It's you know what I mean? To not to to have him in the second hour, and this guy is just I just thought he was an unnecessary part in an already very crowded episode.

SPEAKER_00 1:52:34

And goes from being a world-class villain to a bumbling idiot. Yeah, like he's the dumbest guy going. Welcome to Aruba. We get a what I assume is the street parade that they had talked about. They were making a big deal that everybody will be at this street parade. And so that's where we're at in Aruba. And Mallory's like, all right, happy hunting, everyone. I'll set up headquarters over at this cafe. So sure. I guess he's waiting for people to bring back all this information on this fucking goose chase that he's gonna be. Why did you stay on the boat?

SPEAKER_01 1:53:17

What's the point of him going to get cough? He just wants to get sherry in a different like what's the point of you leaving the boat? You send all these jokers out.

SPEAKER_00 1:53:25

Well, I guess and they were on the island for maybe six minutes. I guess he wants to be there because he wants to talk to Tom, right? But it's all very unusual. Again, they didn't stay long. The uh the awesome tact that Marvin takes is to just scream Tom's name over this parade, which is of course insane. And it goes on for quite a while.

SPEAKER_01 1:53:54

It was a little too long, man. It was a little they're like, it's okay, it's all right, don't worry about it.

SPEAKER_00 1:54:00

So this this Carmen Santiago part gets solved because they run into a non-Anderson priest who remembered Tom and mentioned that he went on to Martinique. So to your point, Mallory's like, well, back on the ship. I'm wasting money by. In the interim of all this stuff, gopher runs into a small, short, stocky man, hoggish in appearance. With a basket of fried chicken. Who asks if he if he likes the parade. And who are you looking for? What's that now? Weird. But gopher couldn't give him zero discretion. Yeah. No discretion at all. Yeah. Doc and Janet also show up at one point, but they don't go into the cafe because that's headquarters. That's Mallory headquarters.

SPEAKER_01 1:54:56

You can't go in there. You know, you want to keep this whole thing hush hush, you know.

SPEAKER_00 1:55:01

Yeah, discretion is. Well, right, because that's the thing. I was gonna say I was literally just about to say, do you think Doc supplied her? Well, we know that he didn't. So what's the game here? What is the game here? I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 1:55:22

I don't know. I have to assume that she told him what happened, but then it that he would have reacted.

SPEAKER_00 1:55:27

He wouldn't have stood down, he would not have stood down when he did.

SPEAKER_01 1:55:31

No, yeah. If anything, he would have gone to where that guy was on the island. No, I don't know. It's it it I I the dots don't really connect on the interaction between Janet and Doc. Some definitely some missing information there.

SPEAKER_00 1:55:46

All right, we're back on the boat. Vicky comes in to say goodnight to Stubing, but he's swamped, Mike, swamped with with work. Sure he is, as always. Vicki says, you know, it feels like something's been on your mind this week. Here it comes. And that there's nothing that she wouldn't do for him. I don't like two-part Vicky. No, no, me neither. I like I like Vicky. I don't like two-part Vicky because they decide to make her into like this character that is just saccharine sweet and I think it's very inconsistent.

SPEAKER_01 1:56:24

It's very inconsistent. This is not who she is. Like, this is ridiculous.

SPEAKER_00 1:56:28

Especially on top of a couple weeks ago when the exact same thing happened. Like, job is just taking place for mom.

SPEAKER_01 1:56:36

Right.

unknown 1:56:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:56:37

It was the same thing. Right, exactly. And she didn't, yeah, I I don't like it when they sort of force this weird side of her character. I don't like it one bit, sir.

SPEAKER_00 1:56:46

Hard pass, guys. Hard pass. Let's see. We are now heading to Martinique. The quest crew is talking about their plans. And Pete had mentioned that that priest they spoke to mentioned something about pilots, so he's thinking the airfield, maybe the airport is is where to go. I mean, if it was Mazalon, that's where he'd be. Of course where everyone would be. Right. Who wouldn't be? But so they'll figure that out. Pete's then, like, hey, is that muscle pound idiot boyfriend ears around the Connie Stevens? Let's go get a drink. So Pete. Pete drinks more pre-kidney operation than most do in their lives.

SPEAKER_01 1:57:30

Yeah, he's a lot of. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe that's maybe that kidney might be a bit of a dud.

SPEAKER_00 1:57:36

Maybe that's maybe that's he hates his brother. That's what it is.

SPEAKER_01 1:57:39

That's what he's doing.

SPEAKER_00 1:57:41

When they leave, gopher is greeted by the little short hoggish man again. He's like, Oh, you're joining us for the cruise. Perhaps. And then Gopher I thought it was sold out. Well, it was sold out for the stuff. There are there are so many stops. And I mean, at the end of this thing, they all fly back to LA. So, like, ultimately. But why would you take this cruise post-Panama Canal? Didn't you miss the good part?

SPEAKER_01 1:58:11

That's what I think. Like, what do you hop it on now for? What do you get all those wait a minute?

SPEAKER_00 1:58:16

I'm glad there's 25,000 people. They're going the other way. They started in Los Angeles and went through the other way. It's just okay. I had that thought too. So I'm like, what's the okay? The the little man says that he's the hoggish man. The hoggish little man is saying that he's gonna, you know, perhaps be on there or whatever. But as as they're sitting there talking, gopher is looking at the map or whatever, and he realizes wait a minute, they didn't say pilot, they said pilot, which is a small village in Martinique. Oh boy, here we go. You can't wait to tell everybody, but also don't tell anybody. And the little hoggish man says, Ah, of course not. Your secret is safe with me. And as soon as Gopher goes, this guy just books it for the steps. I'm assuming he's never been on this ship.

SPEAKER_01 1:59:10

No, ever.

SPEAKER_00 1:59:11

He's never, no, and he is running and doing missions.

SPEAKER_01 1:59:16

And this is not a like this man has a very short stride, you know, so it's a lot of leg movement for this guy to run anywhere. He's no Mark Armin.

SPEAKER_00 1:59:26

It's funny. So we just kind of get that he's shooting down the steps, and then we get sorry if it's not as great as the your favorite scene earlier, which you couldn't remember the words. This is we are now at my maybe my favorite scene in the words. I have most of them written down, but yeah. All right, all right. Merrill is coming down the steps and he runs into Doc. Doc's like, we're done for the night, hopefully. I know where you're going. Okay. And Meryl's like, hey, if you have a minute, I'd love to chat. So they sit down, the two of them just sit down, and he's like, Adam, can I get real with you? And Doc's like, sure, of course. Yeah, of course you can, because you called me Adam. You're an able-bodied man, good doctor. What are you doing on the love boat? Doc's like, well, first of all, I'm about to get my stubby. So he kind of like, he convies up. Beverly Hills doctor or something like that. Well, yeah, he says that eventually, yeah. So basically, Doc's like, tough question. Long story short, Doc said that he was striking out on shore. Not professionally, but personally. And then when he came on the boat, he was basically looking to be unabandoned. And he's still looking for himself. But he he kind of likes it. And yeah, this is where we find out Stuben kind of says that he was a Beverly Hills doctor. But yeah, it was just like so. Basically, Stub Bricker's like, Why are you asking me this? And then he gives him the whole story about the the job offer.

SPEAKER_01 2:01:07

So how awesome, right? Like that whole Bricker thing that he said is just like somebody would say the same thing that's moving to Alaska just to get away from it all. And imagine a Bricker as a small town doctor in in Alaska. Oh, come on.

SPEAKER_00 2:01:24

That would be it was just I have said this con consistently. It's my favorite thing they do. The only thing that's even close is really like the Isaac Gopher serious stuff. It's like the bones and the curve. Yeah, exactly. Love it. And it's like they it was also which we always love, constant background.

SPEAKER_01 2:01:47

Yeah. You know, any give us layer. We love it. We love it. We now we said Beverly Hills Doctor. That's interesting. Makes sense. I think it sort of changes things a bit. Yeah. It it just frames the narrative a lot better. It's interesting.

SPEAKER_00 2:02:00

And it was a very like quiet but serious thing. It felt very like, oh, this is a stage play that these two are doing right now.

SPEAKER_01 2:02:07

I liked it a lot. I will say, I like the closeness that that scene showed that they had. I I really did enjoy that scene as well.

SPEAKER_00 2:02:15

So it ends with Doc basically, much like he did, I think, when Stubing. It was when he went to the office. I can't remember why there was a decision. It was a Vicky-related thing, I think. But it was a lot of like, should I go to land or something like that? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Doc will never tell you what he thinks you should do. No, no, no.

SPEAKER_01 2:02:38

He'll just frame it with his experience and then the lessons he's learned.

SPEAKER_00 2:02:42

And so at the end, Stubing's like, Adam, I don't know if I ever told you I like how much I or I really like you. And Doc's like, who can blame you? And he leaves. So perfect. It's perfect. Just a great. This is as good a Bernie Capella episode as we have had in a very long time. 100%. And there's no real humor. No. There's not a lot of that. Like it's just it's just straight up acting. And it's it's really good. So I really liked that from both of them. I thought Bricker was, yeah, I thought he was great. All right, let's see. I know what happens. I'm just trying to find it. So Marsha and Pete are coming back from getting their drinks. Pete sees it. Pete's not happy. Sorry, Dave sees it. Dave's not happy. So we're getting that whole jealous thing, and he kind of takes he kind of takes um Marsha off of the the bit for a second. Gopher's talking to Pete about tomorrow. Like, kind of like, stick with me and we'll be all right. And then Mike, out of nowhere. Things, debris falls.

SPEAKER_01 2:03:57

There we go. You could have been yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:03:59

Gopher, for the third straight week since hooking up with Julie, has had something terrible happen to him.

SPEAKER_01 2:04:04

So doesn't it something that falls like if you're on a stage somewhere? Like a giant sandbag. Like, where why would there be a giant sandbag above you on it? I don't understand. It would where the hell would that come from on a ship?

SPEAKER_00 2:04:18

Yeah, it was just kind of like here's our box of junk, but they're not on a tall ship.

SPEAKER_01 2:04:22

It's not like there's a bunch of ropes to cut. Like, what do you do? Like, I don't even understand what happened there.

SPEAKER_00 2:04:28

So, of course, everybody gets gets unscathed that just missed Gopher. Pete was there, didn't really come close to him, but here comes Sharon to kind of whisk him away Secret Service style. Connie Stevens comes back from her boyfriend to see how gopher's doing. She's like, Oh, stuff like that must happen all the time. Not on this ship. Not on this ship. Not ever. And then Mike who's just coming out of the shadows is that little hoggish man.

SPEAKER_01 2:05:02

There he is again.

SPEAKER_00 2:05:04

And he's just like, You should be more careful. It's dangerous. And then he just did he did he float away?

SPEAKER_01 2:05:19

He floated away. What is man? I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 2:05:26

And again, it's like this guy's never on the boat. How the hell did he even reach anything then?

SPEAKER_01 2:05:31

He I know. He's he's three apples tall. Like, where you know, I and he happened to have a a sharp knife to cut a sandbag from above above.

SPEAKER_00 2:05:40

And also, like what are you doing? So what he talks to gopher, runs downstairs, runs back up. Like, how did he know where they were gonna be? It wasn't like he dropped it on the stage.

SPEAKER_01 2:05:53

Before he's got tiny little legs, do you know how much leg motion and and to he'd be super out of breath? He's not he's not a that fast of a mover. No offense, Sorrell Book, but I can't imagine. I mean, they never had Boss Hog doing sprints on Dukes of Hazard, so I can't imagine.

SPEAKER_00 2:06:10

Would have been great if he drove his car onto the whole thing. I definitely had that matchbox car. Oh, same, same. All right, I don't care about this. Roger comes to apologize to Julie and suggests that they should all get together. Julie doesn't think this is a great idea, but Roger kind of won't leave her alone, so they're all gonna have dinner or something. I don't know, whatever. Who cares?

SPEAKER_01 2:06:35

Who cares?

SPEAKER_00 2:06:36

Yeah. Welcome to Martinique. The land of the Beijin. Was it Big Begin?

SPEAKER_01 2:06:48

I know it's French. That's all I know.

SPEAKER_00 2:06:50

It's more than just a dance, Mike.

SPEAKER_01 2:06:53

The way of life. What, the lumbata?

SPEAKER_00 2:06:55

The beginning. Beijin. I apologize to all our French listeners. Beignet? It's like a donut thing. Oh, he would think it was the land of that. All right. According to the voiceover that we get, Isaac has joined us because he can speak French, and in Martinique, that's what you're gonna need. Gopher's kind of given out assignments. And so Isaac gets a gets a pull on the on the fishing pole already. Like he finds information out immediately. And uh Gopher is like, hey, let's get Mallory in here. Because he doesn't have a headquarters in Martinique, I guess. He's just walking around.

SPEAKER_01 2:07:35

This he doesn't, he hadn't figured one out yet. Ugh.

SPEAKER_00 2:07:39

So they are like, ah, we know where Mallory is. And so they take him to a graveyard. So I guess this episode is over.

SPEAKER_01 2:07:50

They wrap this one up. Well, it is what it is. Ends well that ends well.

SPEAKER_00 2:07:55

So Mallory is still a villain at this point, and he's like, Well, I know my brother lived in the Caribbean, so it's probably him, but we'll have to make sure we know who's in there to be sure.

SPEAKER_01 2:08:09

So he said, let's like let's dig him up. Jeez.

SPEAKER_00 2:08:16

Luckily, right before they get the shovels, Connie Stevens has somehow found Mallory's housekeeper. Just it really, I'm I was joking at the beginning, but it is the level of Carmen Santiago in in the way that like these clues are just being dropped in very conveniently. Like, how the hell did you find her housekeeper?

SPEAKER_01 2:08:42

Well, they're almost going, they're looking at their watch and going, Well, we have about 25 minutes left, so we're gonna have to advance this storyline.

SPEAKER_00 2:08:49

It the housekeeper, the housekeeper says that Tom did show up. She confirms that it's the brother, not the nephew, in the box. He showed up and got a box, and uh it was locked.

SPEAKER_01 2:09:07

So what ten minutes later, if if if if they had not seen her this this person, then what? We're digging. We're in digging up. We're digging up. Who's Connie Stevens digging, or is Dave Porter gonna get a shower? That's where Diddy. That's where you need Dave Porter. Exactly. So we need his shirt's already off. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:09:28

He's digging something up anyway.

SPEAKER_01 2:09:30

Yeah, he's just just for just for strength training. I'll do it.

SPEAKER_00 2:09:34

What's in the box? We don't know. Pete and Marvin are very hot on their search and they're they're striking out, but then Pete sees a locksmith. He knows the French word for locksmith. Which way to go, Pete?

SPEAKER_01 2:09:47

Good job, Pete. You're a kidney and you speak French. Go ahead.

SPEAKER_00 2:09:52

They go over and they find this odd man who is sitting outside of Pierre's locksmith store, not to be confused with Pierre's tuxedo shop. His name is Marcel Locksmith. Marcel Locksmith, which is like inventor of the locksmith.

SPEAKER_01 2:10:10

Oh, he's patented. He patented the phrase and the profession. Who are you? I'm Marcel.

SPEAKER_00 2:10:16

Marcel Locksmith. I'm the French Johnny Locksmith.

SPEAKER_01 2:10:20

Oh, it made me laugh so hard when I saw his name on the IMTB.

SPEAKER_00 2:10:24

So this Walter Sleezak, a noted character actor, they just gave him like, I guess here's three minutes, just do your bits.

SPEAKER_01 2:10:32

Do your best French locksmith.

SPEAKER_00 2:10:34

Right. So it's a lot of it's a lot of like, and then what? And then what? But basically, Pierre's dead. He's been dead for 12 years. Marcel Locksmith is in fact the current locksmith, but he can't get into the store because he's locked out. And they're like, well, we're a locksmith. He's like, yeah, but I can't make a key because I'm locked out and all my tools are in there. Wa, won't fine. The Carmen Santiago of it all is that yes, in fact, he did make a key for Tom to open up that box. And then afterwards, Tom used the phone next door. And because Marcel Locksmith is also Marcel eavesdropper, he found out that Tom was heading to Puerto Rico. I apologize. He is not heading to Puerto Rico. I jumped, I jumped a clue. Oh, he is heading to the Bluebeard Hotel in St. Thomas. Oh, we know it well. We know that place. Pete's like, this plot doesn't make any sense. I'm gonna hang back. JJ, you go on the boat. I'll meet you guys later. Fine. Fine. Vicky got a fun hat. Charlie sees it and she's like he's like, Oh boy, I tell you one thing, if you like Martinique, you know you'd really like this. I didn't like this at all. Why? Because he's given the hard sell of the daughter?

SPEAKER_01 2:12:03

Yeah, he's predatory. I didn't like it. Well, it didn't work. No, it didn't. No, it didn't.

SPEAKER_00 2:12:07

It's one fatal flaw. He should have never said Stooping wasn't going to tell Vicky.

SPEAKER_01 2:12:12

He shouldn't. Yeah. Yeah. Charlie, Charlie Donut, Charlie Danger, whatever his name is. He, yeah, he should have, if he would have avoided Vicky, I think he would have signed Stubing.

SPEAKER_00 2:12:23

Basically, he starts talking about how he lives in New York and how great New York is. I think Vicky at one set point says it's the pants or the inns, or I couldn't, some 80s term, whatever. But he's basically hyping up New York, and then Stubing shows up and Charlie's like, ah, you should talk to your father about this. So after Stubing figures out what they were talking about, and he obviously knows what the reason was, she's he's like, Well, would you like New York? And she likes the parks and the museums and the the uh the taxis. Oh, yeah, that's one of the statue of items. The Statue of Liberty. Sure. Stubing retorts with the subways, the crowds, and the noise. It's funny because 1980, 1980 New York subways were definitely probably what you thought they were.

SPEAKER_01 2:13:14

Yeah, you're gonna go go get killed down there. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 2:13:17

I hate I generally, as a Philadelphian, hate New York, but I will say that subway system is amazing.

SPEAKER_03 2:13:23

So absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 2:13:25

It is a selling better than our old yeah, yeah, certainly is faithful. It certainly is. So but this gives Stubing more pause because now his daughter is excited about NYC. And he threw out his best defense. Noise. Noise. Noise the grinch. That's what you're gonna go with? And noise?

SPEAKER_01 2:13:47

Okay, that's the selling point, huh? Or the the Okay. Point of contention is noise. All right.

SPEAKER_00 2:13:54

The Quest crew is at the bar. Marvin is drinking STP. Charlie Temple. That's what I'm talking about. He always drinks when he's on his case. Sharon comes in because they can't find Pete. Marvin doesn't say what Pete told him. It doesn't seem like Marvin just decides to go into a whole thing about how who knows who will be you know murdered tomorrow. Yeah, someone's gonna be, yeah. When they go to St. Thomas, Gopher spots the hoggish man in the in the bar, who, by the way, was introduced, his actual name was introduced back at the cemetery as Lucius. Was it Cargo? Kurgo, Cargo. Kirgo, Cargo, Kurgo. It's weird that Gopher is so cool with the guy who he has determined tried to kill him earlier. But yeah, I don't, I don't know. He works for Stubing, though, so I guess he's alright with it. As Marvin kind of does his any one of us could disappear next, they do a villain shot for Lucius and go to commercial. To your point, nothing's really happening here. We're just nothing's happening. All right, this is the actual worst part. So Mallory approaches Janet on the deck and he apologizes for hitting her in the face. So and she's like, Brian Mallory apologize? Like, not like I can't believe you fucking hit me in the face.

SPEAKER_01 2:15:25

Like she made it all like snappy. Urg. You know, who would ever thought that you would you remember he just he just cold cocked you like just scenes ago?

SPEAKER_00 2:15:35

He tries to what I feel like is retcon his actions around the death of his brother, but he did all this before he knew his brother was dead. Yeah. So I'm calling BS on that.

SPEAKER_01 2:15:49

Yeah, just nonsense. He got off way too easy.

SPEAKER_00 2:15:53

This is enough, though. Not only is Janet like, wow, you're pretty nice. She gives him that photo that Isaac took that she took off the bulletin board. Why would she do that? How would she know what Tom looked like?

SPEAKER_01 2:16:08

I have no idea why she didn't.

SPEAKER_00 2:16:10

How would she know to go get that?

SPEAKER_01 2:16:12

She wouldn't even know who it is.

SPEAKER_00 2:16:15

The only thing I can like I didn't care enough about that part to to double check, but like, did she over here gopher and Isaac talking, and when she left, she literally booked down the hallway?

SPEAKER_01 2:16:27

Like what it's it it makes there's no there's no logical reason for it. Yeah, I didn't because she wouldn't know, she would have no idea who that person is.

SPEAKER_00 2:16:39

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 2:16:40

I I didn't it it welcome to the island of St.

SPEAKER_00 2:16:47

Thomas. Merrill is talking to the sorry, taking the views when Charlie shows up. Charlie's like, it's beautiful, isn't he? He's like, Yeah, I'm taking it all in because this is my last cruise. He's taking the job, Mike. This is Gavin McLeod's last episode with a love boat.

SPEAKER_01 2:17:10

That's that's I didn't see this coming so soon.

SPEAKER_00 2:17:13

Weird that Merrill says this is his last cruise. Do they not give two weeks' notice on the kidding?

SPEAKER_01 2:17:19

He didn't even give an hour's notice.

SPEAKER_00 2:17:24

Yeah, I'm getting off the boat actually now in St.

SPEAKER_01 2:17:26

Thomas. Good lord.

SPEAKER_03 2:17:29

Just it just trips.

SPEAKER_01 2:17:32

He's not even going back to LA, he's just going right to New York from St. Thomas. Terrible.

SPEAKER_00 2:17:40

We get some faint St. Thomas facts with Gopher, mainly about why it's called the Virgin Islands. I did not care enough to write them down. Nope. Nope. Doesn't matter to me. We do get to see blue bird blue blue. We do get to see Bluebeard's passage. The same place that I was gonna sing it. So this of this, of course, is where Brian and Myrna had their salacious affair in episode two this season that led to Don Most's mustache getting to hook up with Charlene Tilton. So that's it. Was not the was not the shady roach motel we thought it was gonna be.

SPEAKER_01 2:18:26

No, it I don't know. Yeah, I don't maybe there's two of them. I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 2:18:30

Johnny Stevens was very impressed by it, and JJ even said it was kind of frou-frou. Yeah. Go for Brandon to somebody who told them that there's been somebody else snooping around for Tom Mallory, and he thinks it's gonna be Lucius Kurgo. Turns out it's Pete. Pete lost track of time, probably drunk somewhere, and Martinique got a plane and flew on to St. Thomas. Man, you could just get a plane for like four bucks back then.

SPEAKER_01 2:19:06

Everything is just it's just yeah. There's a lot of so much going on. This cruise is crazy.

SPEAKER_00 2:19:14

So planes and kidneys and just luckily Pete Luckily Pete hung around. Yeah. Because he got some connections and he met up with a Father Briarly about Tom. So Father Briarly, who reminds me a lot of a steward we used to know.

SPEAKER_01 2:19:37

Yeah, he looks like he used to work on a cruise ship.

SPEAKER_00 2:19:39

Yeah, yeah. Tells them that Tom, uh, he knew Tom back in the States and that he came to him and now he's a member of the church, and he's a fine young man. Mallory starts pumping him for information. He finds out that he went to Puerto Rico. It seemed like Mallory wanted to say more, but Pete kind of cut him off and said that's all he knows. And so Mallory's like, well, I guess we're going to Puerto Rico. And so they all kind of go off, and and the priest kind of tips his hat and heads out. We gotta keep the crews going. That's true. That's true. What are you gonna stop? Yeah, what are the stops?

SPEAKER_01 2:20:15

Exactly. Very convenient.

SPEAKER_00 2:20:18

So as the quest crew kind of goes one way, guess who shows up to split a cab with Father the father?

SPEAKER_01 2:20:28

It's that damn Lucius Kergo. Again, that little hog man.

SPEAKER_00 2:20:33

So Lucius Kergo murders Anderson, right? Like in the cab. Like absolutely like cuts him up so bad.

SPEAKER_01 2:20:42

He's gonna drop a sandbag on him from somewhere.

SPEAKER_00 2:20:46

So I assume Anderson is dead. So I don't understand what the I'm not gonna spend a lot of time analyzing exactly what happened, but it's like what information did he get from the priest? Because he still had to follow the quest crew to the church. So it's very confusing.

SPEAKER_01 2:21:11

Yeah, it's very odd.

SPEAKER_00 2:21:13

Isaac and his loose lips tell Vicky about the captain's tough decision. Fine. Um this is just so you know, everything is now going the wrong way. So uh speaking of Roger tracks down Maud, who's who's pissed, and Maud basically is like, You're out. I saw you talking to Julie in the lobby. Roger stupidly gave Julie a kiss on the cheek, which I mean, dude, come on.

SPEAKER_01 2:21:42

What do you read the room a little bit? Like Maud is clearly all fired up, dummy.

SPEAKER_00 2:21:48

Maud tosses him, Roger asks for Scotch, a bottle, just leave the straw. So Roger's gonna get his drink on tonight. All right, uh, let's see. Pete checks in with the with everybody, and he kinda he kind of says that because Gopher's like, Pete, you know more than you're saying, and go and Pete's like, yeah, but I don't want to tell Mallory. So Pete doesn't trust Mallory anymore. And the main reason is is because the priest told him exactly where Tom is. So Pete has clearly become the alpha of this mission. So Pete heads back to his cabin, and Sharon takes the time to thank him for letting her tag along. Sharon, in classic stalker fashion, has the cabin directly across the hall from Pete. So convenient. Very convenient. All right. We get a couple more of those labored things about them. Really glad that your kidney's gonna be in my life and all this stuff or whatever. They both say goodnight. Pete does the pause on the other side of the door, opens it up, and then just says sweet dreams. Two hours, they did not make me care about Pete and Sharon's relationship. No, what they was and I like Pete. I like Pete too. I don't know what you could have done to fix it, so they really should have just dumped it. I it was just a throwaway. Uh Mallory is back on the deck again comparing the sunlight to their wedding day. Janet's like, Jesus, two of these?

SPEAKER_01 2:23:37

How many, how much sherry have you had? Good lord, this isn't this isn't Brian Mallory like.

SPEAKER_00 2:23:42

He blames the son for making him soft and he heads off because you know what? It's too late. Too late anyway, it doesn't matter. Doc is right behind, so clearly he was supposed to meet Janet. Sees now. He sees and he heard, and he's like, Boy, he still loves you, you know. Now Doc, this is why I assume Doc does not know that he hit her.

SPEAKER_01 2:24:05

So yeah, yeah, because he would have. Yeah, I agree.

SPEAKER_00 2:24:08

So so Doc is is trying to be the bigger man and he's kind of standing down. They both talk about the new Brian versus the old Brian, which to your point is like 11 years of horrible versus what 36 hours of slightly less horrible. Most of the things he said were just apologizing for the awful things he did.

SPEAKER_01 2:24:28

Well, because you because you hit her two days ago, everything's cool now. I'm a new man. 48 hours later, Brian Mallory.

SPEAKER_00 2:24:35

So Janet gets one last smooch in because of course she does. Of course she does. Why not? All right, Chulie gets a knock on the door, it's late, it's Roger. He's drunk, although he's not cartoony drunk, which made it actually more confusing. They really should have just played him more drunk than he did. They should have had him absolutely hammered up. Yeah, 100%. He's talking to Julie about how Maud threw him out. Now my life is ruined, I'll never get married, and I'll have all these kids. And then Julie's like, no, no, no, you'll find somebody, whatever. And he like takes off his jacket and jumps in bed. Not with Julie, like literally just jumps in bed, right? And passes and passes out. And I only noticed this on my third watch, which was just because we had some time in between the episode. They do like almost dream sequence music underneath it, which I don't know why. That's weird. Yeah, who cares? But basically, Julie tries to wake him up, he doesn't wake up, and this somehow justifies a commercial break. I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 2:25:35

So what will Julie do? You know?

SPEAKER_00 2:25:40

Even worse, they come back for Act 8's commercial break with him being passed out. Julie has left and gotten dressed. Where did Julie sleep?

SPEAKER_01 2:25:50

Tub on deck, Paul Williams suite. Absolutely. Infirmary any chances. No infirmary. It's it's I mean, I I'm guessing Janet's there. Well, she seems to forgive very quickly. That's true. So maybe.

SPEAKER_00 2:26:06

She comes back, tries to wake him up, leaves again. Roger wakes up as soon as she leaves, and now he thinks that they hooked up last night. Calls her a little devil. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome sauce. Vicki tracks down Stoobes on the on the deck or on the bridge, I think. And asks if he's made a decision about New York. He said yes. Probably. And she's like, if you have any doubts, I just say my piece. So Vicky's logic here is that she's 13 and that in a few years she'll be making her own life decisions. And so therefore, her father, her guardian, should not make decisions that concern her. He should make decisions that are best for him.

SPEAKER_01 2:27:02

Yeah, don't put your children first. Isn't that what you're supposed to do as a parent, essentially? And and it especially if your kids go, hey, look, I know I'm only 13, but this is what I think. And then you go, you know what? You have had enough life experience to really make a valid point. Come on.

SPEAKER_00 2:27:19

Now, do you think Vicky is playing 3D chess in that she's got the sweet boat life? She's not going to school. She doesn't want to go anywhere. Why would she want to leave that? Yeah, if she goes to New York, it's over. She's gonna go to a real school and all that stuff. All that all that noise? Noise, noise, noise.

SPEAKER_01 2:27:38

Just tons of noise.

SPEAKER_00 2:27:39

You don't want that. So this this is it. This this wins. This is almost verbatim. The speech a couple weeks ago when she told him, Don't worry about Debbie Reynolds. I don't need a mom. You should be happy.

SPEAKER_01 2:27:52

So they just it was like a mad libs.

SPEAKER_00 2:27:54

Two-part Jewel two-part Vicky stinks. They they they neuter they neuter the character by trying to make her something she's really nice.

SPEAKER_01 2:28:02

So you would episode, you know, episode first episode Brian Mallory is a hell of a lot stronger than episode, you know, second hour of Brian Mallory. It's terrible.

SPEAKER_00 2:28:12

The Quest crew is Puerto Rico, right? Oh well, that's right. They're making a deal. Sorry, there's so many, there's so many important facts here I want to miss. They're making a deal with Mallory. I don't understand this deal either. So basically they're gonna understand it either. They're like, we want to make a deal, we know where Tom is. And Mallory immediately thinks, justifiably, that they're gonna jack him up for more money. Sure. But they just want to know why they're searching for Tom. See, Tom has never mentioned an uncle to the person in the laundry room, so therefore, something must be up.

SPEAKER_01 2:28:50

Yeah, let's ask now. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:28:52

After we spent all this time.

SPEAKER_01 2:28:54

After we've been to like four different islands. Yeah, let's ask now.

SPEAKER_00 2:28:57

After we almost got killed by boss hogs.

SPEAKER_01 2:28:59

That's right.

SPEAKER_00 2:29:01

So turns out Mallory wants the Mallory trinket or pendant or diamond or treasure or whatever they end up calling it in the episode. But it was entitled to the eldest surviving Mallory, which is him. And he figured that his brother would never give it to him. And so when the brother died, he needed to track down Tom to track down the treasure. The crew is like very thin. Very thin. And the crew is like, okay, here's the deal. We'll tell you where he is, but you have to let him make the decision if he gives it back to you or not. Which is he gonna steal it?

SPEAKER_01 2:29:47

Like what are you gonna roll in there, kick him in the kick him in the chest, and take the pendant? Like what?

SPEAKER_00 2:29:52

I mean, I would slap him. He's got a good, he's got a good right, right.

SPEAKER_01 2:29:55

Like uh yeah, this is well, this is why he's gonna dig him up. He's after this pendant.

SPEAKER_00 2:30:02

He's gonna dig I'm digging somebody up.

SPEAKER_01 2:30:05

It's it's like an episode of like Raiders of the Lost Ark on the Love Boat. You know, you've got Lucius Cargo is that weird guy that burns his hand and and and heals it in the snow. All these weird treasure hunt, but no real treasure.

SPEAKER_00 2:30:20

The the worst part of all of this is as he's kind of telling the story, Connie Stevens at one point is like, so you didn't really care about Tom at all. Right. And he's like, honestly, no. And Janet is in the corner looking at him and giving these weird, weird smiles and everything. Like, everything is great in in one of the worst turns I've ever seen.

SPEAKER_01 2:30:44

Like, just he must be drugging Janet Mallory or has her hypnotized.

SPEAKER_00 2:30:49

She might be concussed, you know, from when he hit her in the face.

SPEAKER_01 2:30:52

Yeah, when he did hit her in the face. That's odd, man.

SPEAKER_00 2:30:56

All right. Roger is still in Julie's room now. He's thinking they're gonna get married and everything, and here comes Maud. And Julie, again, doing her best to salvage this thing, is quick on her feet. And she's like, the only way I'm gonna get rid of this idiot is if I basically tell Maud that she was right. And so Julie goes into about two minutes of just saying how she threw himself at Roger and Maud, you sussed it out immediately, and you were right, and I tried and I tried. But he would not, he would not stop talking about you. And this works. Because Maud's dumb. Because Maud's dumb, and so's Roger. And they they leave, and after Maud's kind of like they're there to Julie or whatever, and Julie's like, thank God. Well played by Julie. The season of Julie continues, despite they gave her some real trash this week.

SPEAKER_01 2:31:49

So well, it's not like they gave her gold last week in her big.

SPEAKER_00 2:31:53

No, no, come on. She's doing great. I'm I this that it's absolutely my favorite part of the season so far is that we've gotten great Julie, the first four episodes. Alright. Okay. So speaking of terrible, let's go to the let's go to the end here. So welcome to Puerto Rico. Make sure you bring your custom declarations to the carousel lounge, which doesn't sound like a very official thing to do.

SPEAKER_01 2:32:29

That doesn't sound right at all. Wouldn't you go to customs? I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 2:32:33

Where's that custom agent that gave Gopher all that crap a few years ago? The quest crew is in a blue van heading towards Tom. Sounds like a Pete called ahead, and Tom knows they're coming, and he's gonna leave the gate unlocked. Welcome to the monastery of the brothers of Saint Stephen. It's a beautiful building. Right behind the blue van and the crest crew is Kurgo in a cab, I guess. He's ever doing some malacious voiceover. He's just on the present. Stop here. Stop here. I'm getting out. I'm getting out of the van. Awful. Then he speaks Spanish in the way out. Then he speaks Spanish on the way out, which is fine. It's crazy. So the crew heads in to where they think they have to go. Kurgo runs up the steps as much as he can. His little legs run up the steps.

SPEAKER_01 2:33:35

Run is an optimistic term for Mr. Kurgo.

SPEAKER_00 2:33:39

So they're all kind of at the bottom of the landing. Kurgo's at the top, and he announces that he's locked the gate. I've locked the gate so no one can get in. Thanks, Kirgo. Appreciate it. Thank you. So he he basically explains because I got the impression Mallory knew who he was. Was. Yeah. So he was Kergo was partners with Mallory's brother, and he would not stop talking about this damn pendant. So as soon as Tom Mallory Sr. kicked, Kergo was like, to the grave. He tried to get it, but but young Tom had gotten there ahead. So now he's gonna he's gonna go meet young Tom Mallory and get that get that diamond. Thanks everybody for all your help leading me to him. Also, I have a gun. Stay where you are, but I'm not gonna do anything to ensure that you stay where you are.

SPEAKER_01 2:34:38

No, no, no, no. This gun is loaded with sand, as we've seen before.

SPEAKER_00 2:34:43

Pretty much.

SPEAKER_01 2:34:44

Bullet fooled me twice. Shame on you.

SPEAKER_00 2:34:47

All right. I'm I'm I'm going skywalker, going to the Death Star. I'm going off notes at this point and see what I remember. So Kurgo goes up the steps. He locks a gate behind him at one point, which kind of traps the crew for a while, but of course Pete can rip a or uh Dave can rip a gate off, basically. Kurgo gets to Bryant Brian. Kurgo gets to Tom Mallory. And we get the classic acting styles of of old Greg Robies, where it's like, Uncle Brian. And and Boss Holly was like, no, it's me. Lucy's Kergo. I've come for you. I've come for the jewels. So he says he takes it, and I guess Tom at one point tries to do something, and Kurgo just gives him a like an uppercut or something, and he runs or hobbles or hogs or whatever.

SPEAKER_01 2:35:44

Skips. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:35:45

So this guy tracked these guys down from one island to the next, tried to kill them at least once. Has all these places. He said he cased the church multiple times, but he didn't have a getaway card. The whole thing is just So his plan is because of course the crew has busted down the gate and they're now in the room. So he goes running. Well, they're gonna catch you, man. You're tiny.

SPEAKER_01 2:36:15

You're three feet tall. Like you're not outrunning anybody. Come on.

SPEAKER_00 2:36:19

So he just tries to run through, it's not even a street festival, it's just kind of like the street. And Marvin and Gopher catch him, knock the gun away. And that's it. That was this villainous plan ending. Just run the smallest man, run away with the jewel. So they give it back to Tom. Tom gives it to his uncle because it's rightfully his. And then Janet given giving Brian one right in the gut. What were you gonna do with it, Tom? So Tom was gonna sell it and open up a clinic because Mike a couple things.

SPEAKER_01 2:37:02

He's a good guy. He's the he's the op he's the anti-Brian Mallory.

SPEAKER_00 2:37:06

Well, Mike, this might be paradise, but even in paradise, they're poor. But don't worry. We Mallorys are resilient. Yeah, we'll figure something out. Well, once again, the sun has gotten the Brian Mallory and he gives the the trinket back. Which undoes this entire story. Right, exactly. Yeah. And then Tom says that it was a real honor to meet you. I don't know why. Like, are you a big reader? Like, why else there? He wanted to dig your dad up.

SPEAKER_01 2:37:42

Yeah, here's my asshole uncle Brian Mallory. I've heard all about you.

SPEAKER_00 2:37:47

Let's get out of here. Act nine. If you want to fly back to Los Angeles, you can from Puerto Rico, which makes a lot of sense. So, like, do they just leave the boat here? They probably just leave the boat here. So I bet you even the crew is flying back, right? Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 2:38:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:38:03

So that's it. So that made sense. I did like that piece of logic, at least. I don't think that happened with the marriageon.

SPEAKER_01 2:38:11

No, it didn't. Well, no, because they went to LA.

SPEAKER_00 2:38:14

Well, he had that big network deal. Yeah, well, that's stressful. Isaac tells Gopher what a nice thing it was that he donated the money to Tom's clinic. Turns out they all donated the money that Mallory gave them. Gopher sounds like he got peer pressured into it, and he is not happy about it. Charlie is bummed out that Stubing is not taking the job, and he actually realizes that he probably should have offered the job to Vicky instead. Let's see. Sharon get got a cable gram from Pete's brother, who says that he no longer needs the kidney transplant. Of course. Which is that a thing?

SPEAKER_01 2:38:59

No, it's not a thing, unless you get a different d donor. I mean, or it gets so bad they have to remove it and like put you on dialysis.

SPEAKER_00 2:39:07

I mean But he also put on the cable gram, I'm breaking up with you because I'm sleeping with my nurse. Interesting cable gram.

SPEAKER_01 2:39:16

That's a that's a lot, that's a heavy-hitting cable gram right there.

SPEAKER_00 2:39:20

Dot dot dot. Pete decides that, well, if you were gonna have my kidney, you might as well have my hand, and he proposes to Sharon based on absolutely nothing. Yeah. Just just terrible. Maud tells Julie that Roger has proposed and they're gonna get married in Puerto Rico. Julie laughs because Maud doesn't know about the ten kids that she's gonna have to shoot out. This is so terrible.

SPEAKER_01 2:39:52

Yeah, let's just let's just get to the end of this thing. We're gonna be here for five hours tonight.

SPEAKER_00 2:39:59

The Mallorese are leaving. Brian Mallory allows Janet to say goodbye to Doc. Doc's kind of bummed out because he was a nice guy, but you know, he finished second, and that's where nice guys finish. And finally, everybody's getting off the boat, and they all do the goodbye wave shot to the Mallorys, of course, because that's who deserves it.

SPEAKER_01 2:40:19

Of course. That that's someone you want to cheer for in the end.

SPEAKER_00 2:40:23

Right. And that is Carmen Santiago for this week. All right. Totals in a recap. Best episode, episode one. First episode was the two-parter, the first two-parter at the Caribbean. Mike, what do you got?

SPEAKER_01 2:40:40

No. That's what I got. No. This is worse. This is the worst episode I've ever seen in the four seasons. Plus, this is the worst thing I've ever seen. None of the stories went any, like ended up meaning anything. There were no consequences for actions. They just threw stuff together. Horrible. From top to bottom. Every storyline was terrible. Awful. There's no way that we're gonna see a an ep, especially a two hours of this awfulness. Worst episode I've ever seen.

SPEAKER_00 2:41:16

I'm not gonna argue with your points. I think I thought that episodes two, two-parter was worse because of the chaos and all that stuff. And I do think there was some decent stuff in the first part of this. Sure, sure. But you're a hundred percent right in the fact that we just wasted our time.

SPEAKER_01 2:41:34

Well, the second hour they just undid what they did in the first hour.

SPEAKER_00 2:41:37

They really did. So I almost think like it's hysterical because last year our best two episodes were the two-parters. I think at this point we carry the two two-parters forward as the worst episodes. A thousand percent. Yeah, which is which is wild, and we are but it's funny. It's the beginning of the season, Mike, too. We're we're not off to a good start here. Well, we're not off to a good start. They're all bad, but they're all wild swings bad. So at least there's that. There hasn't been anything boring.

SPEAKER_01 2:42:07

I'm not I'm not awarding any points for these wild swings because it's just what the hell? We we had a good thing going. We we operated in the Pacific Ocean. Episodes were 44 minutes long. We had a good thing going. We kept it snappy and it was fun and then this. This you know, the fourth hour of the Caribbean crew enough already. Can we just get back to normal? Oh, this episode's got 20 guest stars. Like, enough. You you what's what we had a lot? The formula works, just stop. I'm glad we get back to normal. Oh, wait, we don't because we have a 90-minute episode next week. Shit. Just kill me. Captain of the week. No, no, I refuse to participate in Captain of the Week. There is no mm-mm. No way.

SPEAKER_00 2:43:08

All right.

SPEAKER_01 2:43:08

Well, I will take Doc, who I thought was very if I had to say somebody it would be Doc, but I I can't even open my brain to that.

SPEAKER_00 2:43:15

It's fair enough. Worst of the week, walk the plank.

SPEAKER_01 2:43:19

The whole episode is walk the plank. Everybody involved. At first I was like, oh, Lucius Cargo, but no, he didn't deserve that. Everybody deserves it. This is the worst thing I've ever seen. Everybody deserves walk. Everyone get off the boat. Everybody get on the plank and walk off the boat. Ridiculous. Worst thing I've ever seen. How many episodes is this? What are we? 81? 81. Just a stinkeroo. Who's your walk the plank?

SPEAKER_00 2:43:53

Who did you isolate to I had Maud and Roger because I thought that was a terrible storyline. It is. The whole thing. Ugh. But to your point, like the the fact that everything ended terribly is really they undid everything.

SPEAKER_01 2:44:07

I feel like I wasted my time.

SPEAKER_00 2:44:09

I agree. And luckily we wasted a lot of time. Oh, we did waste a lot of time. Anyway, that's totals and a recap for this week.

SPEAKER_01 2:44:16

Who plugs? Hit and season Patreon, absolutely hammered. Whether you're cheering from the stands or tuning in from home, this is the podcast you'd need. Grab your bat, your cap, your Phillies Pride, crack open a beer, and enjoy a weekly Phillies happy hour with Chris Jones, Justin Clue, and our very own Mike Robertson. Jump in, hit subscribe, and make absolutely hammered part of your game day routine. Catch it now on the Hitting Season Patreon. Little update to the uh you can find us everywhere you find your audio podcasts. If you would just hit that subscribe button, leave us a review, it goes a long way. We also have a video podcast on YouTube. No mail this week, Mike. Not that we have mail or we don't have mail. I physically do not have it in me to read any email in this state of anger. Yeah. I did look ahead to next episode, Mike.

SPEAKER_00 2:45:09

The final of our marathon stretch is next week. What do we got?

SPEAKER_01 2:45:16

Mike, looks like we have a few early nominations in the season for best animal stubby. As we welcome a couple of horses and Alvin McNair to the boat. Oh, McNair. Also, Robert Stack and the Village People.

SPEAKER_00 2:45:35

Forgot about the village people. Shit, Mike.

SPEAKER_01 2:45:38

It's not looking good. It's not looking good.

SPEAKER_00 2:45:41

What are you talking about? Best animal, best music.

SPEAKER_01 2:45:44

Young man, what if they don't perform? What if they don't sing? Stack's gonna be great. He's gonna solve something. That's what he's gonna do.

SPEAKER_00 2:45:51

If you or anyone else wants to watch that episode.

SPEAKER_01 2:45:55

Episode 82.

SPEAKER_00 2:45:57

Well, we apologize for these episodes going so long. I I really thought I was zipping through, but there's just so much, so much garbage in here.

SPEAKER_01 2:46:07

The entire World Cup tournament has passed by in the course of this episode.

SPEAKER_00 2:46:11

No kidding. Congratulations to uh right. Well, we're out of the Caribbean, we're we're getting closer to just, as Mike said, normal Pacific 44-minute episodes. But this was a weird one, and I I don't think we'll ever have one like this again, which according to at least one of us is very good. So thanks for joining. Thanks everybody for listening. We will talk to you again in July for some horses, it sounds like. But until then, the Caribbean is closed. Goodbye.