UNSINGULAR
Embracing the different facets of ourselves, our culture, and our unique identity.
UNSINGULAR
NAVIGATING LOVE AND BETRAYAL AFTER DIVORCE
Discovering deception in the quest for love is a tale as old as time, but when it happens to you, it feels like a story written in a language you've never learned. This episode finds me, Elle, back on the airwaves, sharing the raw and vulnerable chapters of my life post-divorce, from the hopeful beginnings of intentional dating to the harsh lessons learned from a betrayal that took me by surprise. As a single mom navigating the dating scene, I open up about the complexities of protecting not just my heart but also my children, the importance of spotting red flags, and the power of walking away with dignity. It's a candid conversation on the courage it takes to face shame, rebuild trust, and lean on our support networks as we chart a course through the unpredictable seas of love and self-discovery.
With a promise to keep our connection strong, I'm reigniting the podcast with a commitment to record daily over the next week—a gesture of my gratitude for your unwavering support. It's more than a simple check-in; it's a reaffirmation of our shared journey towards growth and healing. Through these stories of resilience, I offer insights and perspectives that I hope will resonate with anyone who's ever faced the trials of single parenthood or sought companionship against the odds. Join me as we continue to foster our bond and thrive together, one heartfelt conversation at a time.
Hi, my name is Elle and this is Unsingular. Hello ladies. I have to say I apologize truly for going AWOL. I've been navigating a lot of different seasons in my life, from dating intentionally to actually being exclusive with someone, to realizing that that person was a con artist, honestly. But guess what? I'm back. I apologize. We're no longer falling off track. We are going to get the ball rolling and we are going to produce content that will not only heal us and help us become the best version of ourselves, but would also motivate, inspire you, ladies and gentlemen that listen to my podcast. All right, so let's get into it.
Speaker 1:So back in September I think, I shared that I decided to start dating with the intention of being in a healthy, long-term relationship. And that was kind of hard to do because, after going through my divorce, I was terrified of being hurt again, especially as a mom with young kids. I really really focused on protecting my energy so that my boys do not feel any kind of tension, negativity or feel unsafe. So I started this dating intentionally journey where I basically signed up for Bumble Hinge and I would really try to pre-screen my dates. I would look for people who were specific about wanting a long-term relationship. I would go on a couple of dates and, unfortunately, I met somebody who I didn't realize was essentially utilizing the dating platform to attract women like myself, essentially to prey on them. And you know, no offense to these people, because we're all on our own journeys, but the truth is, as single mothers or as single fathers, with you know, with that, with that responsibility of protecting our kids, we have to guard our hearts and ourselves, primarily Because one thing that people don't talk about a lot is if you are broken, as a single parent, if you're facing pain, if you're facing betrayal, your kids start to feel that energy. Your kids start to feel that shift in the peaceful energy that was in your home.
Speaker 1:So back to the story, and I'm going to do a part one, part two, maybe all the way to part five, because the crazy thing is, when I realized that this person wasn't the person I expected them to be I was, my initial instinct was shame. My initial instinct was. My initial instinct was I am ashamed. I don't want to look stupid in front of my family, in front of my community, in front of social media. All my followers who were like oh look, you found somebody who was so happy for you. My first thought was I'm ashamed. And it is so effed up Because if we're living like hold space with me here, if we're living in our bodies as people, and the first thing we worry worry about when we're hurt is I'm ashamed, because I don't want judgment then there's a lot of healing that still needs to happen, and that's something that I needed to be honest with myself about, because I thought that I was in a very different season of my healing. I thought that I was in a much better space of handling my emotions and not differentiating external sources from my person. However, when I started to feel this sense of shame and worry about like, what would people say? What would I look like? Everybody already sees me with this person, and that was my motivation to try to make it work Then I had to stop and say there's something seriously wrong, and so I really wanted to speak on this topic, because I realized that it's one thing to go through a divorce and be public about it and be open about why you got divorced, and it's another thing to give your heart to somebody again, and I think that that's something that a lot of single moms and single dads struggle with, because you see people who have been married four or five times.
Speaker 1:I think a huge issue there is being scared of going through another divorce, so essentially throwing yourself and allowing the first person who claims to love you or claims to give you that sense of safety to take over your heart. Even when we see the red flags, even when we see the huge, obvious red flags, we are so scared of being judged by our communities that we stay in those toxic places and we end up marrying these people. We go through a divorce and it's back to the beginning of the cycle and that's something that I will really really hope that my podcast not only breaks that. Pardon for myself, but for other women who have been through what I've been through and, frankly, other men, because as we speak on this, we tend to focus a lot on on females and how sensitive we are to these things. But there are a lot of men who have gone through some serious relationship issues and relationship betrayals who can benefit from this as well issues and relationship betrayals who can benefit from this as well.
Speaker 1:So I'm just going to start with it's okay to see the red flags, it's okay to love, it's okay to go through heartbreak, because that's just part of being human period. It is okay for you to give yourself to somebody, thinking that you're giving yourself to somebody who is safe, and then realize that that person is not a safe space for you. It is okay to pull yourself out of it. No shame, forgetting about and and, frankly, if you're in a community, if you're in a family, if you're in a space where the first thing people do is pass judgment on you because you're you're, you separated yourself from something that was unhealthy, then we need to redefine our communities. We need to redefine the people that we are closest to.
Speaker 1:And you know, when I started to notice those negative things in this person, my first instinct was, again, shame. And then I started thinking I need to open up to people that I feel are my confidence, people who can really understand what it's like to go through divorce, go through heartbreak and try to open your heart to love again. So I opened up to some really close friends of mine and I got different advice based on what they felt and what they've been through. Different advice based on what they felt and what they've been through, and until I picked up my laptop and started blogging about it and accepted that that was not for me. I couldn't be set free from that.
Speaker 1:So I think another thing is realizing that it's okay to open up to people and it's okay to go to your healthy coping mechanisms to deal with these things and not give up on love, guys, because I am telling you two days ago I was done, I was. I can't, I'm just going to be a nun, I'm just going to, you know, be that woman who was once married, has two boys, dedicated her life to raising her boys and building a brand and just never met anybody. That was my mantra two days ago. I had to wake up out of that and realize that that was not my future. That was not. Those were negative things that I was starting to wake up out of that and realize that that was not my future. That was not. Those were negative things that I was starting to speak up on myself and I wanted to make sure that I wasn't embracing them.
Speaker 1:So in this part one, I just want to highlight those, those fears, those worries that a lot of single parents go through, especially when it comes to opening up again, physically, sexually opening up, giving yourself to someone else, your heart, being vulnerable with them and just really stopping to say you're okay, you're just human, you're just desiring the same thing that people who are married, never been married or are dating are desiring You're just worried. You're just extra worried because you have young ones that you have to protect now, and then you also have a world who's looking at you like, well, you've been divorced, so are you going to make this work right? And I think when we just start with it's OK, it's my story, I get to tell, it is my journey, I get to walk it, then we're already on solid ground to make those decisions for ourselves. So I really hope that this episode inspires you and helps you to just kind of think about where you're at in your dating journey, whether you've been married, divorced or not, even if you're just maybe someone in her later 30s or later 20s who's been dating for a while and you're worried about what everyone is saying. Just hold space and remember that this is your story, is your journey. You get to live it and you better love it. You better not be 75 years old regretting every decision you made, so you better make sure that, as you're walking this journey, you're making those decisions consciously, you're making those mistakes and learning and understanding that. That is your story.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much for listening. I love you guys. It's so good to be back. I will be recording every single day this week to play catch up. I love you. Let's stay plugged in. Bye, thank you.