45. Part 5 - Post-Separation Abuse Unpacked: Using and disregarding children
May 10, 2024
Danielle Black
Welcome. I'm Danielle Black, and today we're exploring the manipulative tactics used by controlling abusers who weaponise children in their ongoing power struggles. We'll uncover how these abusers, masking their self-interest as parental concern, often disregard their children’s emotional well-being and developmental needs.
With heartfelt gratitude, I'm also sharing a glimpse into my world as we transition to weekly episodes. Your unwavering support has allowed me to deepen my commitment to one-on-one coaching, and in turn, continue our shared journey through the complex terrain of separation and co-parenting. Your ongoing support engagement – follows, ratings, and reviews – fuels my mission to guide and support more women who are navigating separation, divorce and co-parenting with a controlling former partner. So here's to our growing community and to the empowering conversations that lie ahead, as we chart a course toward healing and resilience.
I'm a specialist Separation & Divorce Coach based in Melbourne, Australia.
I support women in the southern hemisphere who are navigating ongoing control and other forms of abuse after separation.
Welcome. I'm Danielle Black, and today we're exploring the manipulative tactics used by controlling abusers who weaponise children in their ongoing power struggles. We'll uncover how these abusers, masking their self-interest as parental concern, often disregard their children’s emotional well-being and developmental needs.
With heartfelt gratitude, I'm also sharing a glimpse into my world as we transition to weekly episodes. Your unwavering support has allowed me to deepen my commitment to one-on-one coaching, and in turn, continue our shared journey through the complex terrain of separation and co-parenting. Your ongoing support engagement – follows, ratings, and reviews – fuels my mission to guide and support more women who are navigating separation, divorce and co-parenting with a controlling former partner. So here's to our growing community and to the empowering conversations that lie ahead, as we chart a course toward healing and resilience.
I'm a specialist Separation & Divorce Coach based in Melbourne, Australia.
I support women in the southern hemisphere who are navigating ongoing control and other forms of abuse after separation.
13 YARN on 13 92 76 (24/7 crisis support phone line for Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples)
Speaker 1:
Hi, thanks for joining me on another episode of the Post-Separation Abuse Podcast. I'm your host, danielle Black. I'm a specialist separation, divorce and co-parenting coach based in Melbourne, australia, and I specialize in helping women to navigate separation, divorce and co-parenting when their partner or former partner is controlling or abusive in other ways. Today's episode is part five of the series in which I am unpacking post-separation abuse. The form of post-separation abuse that I'll be discussing in this episode is the way in which controlling abusers use and disregard children post-separation. Hey, I'm Danielle Black and I'm the coach you need if you're dealing with post-separation abuse. I help you make sense of ongoing abusive behaviour after separation and help you take back your power and control. Let's go. You thought you knew, but you didn't have a clue. I thought you knew, but you didn't have a clue. Just a note before I get into this episode. I do work with some women who are navigating separation and co-parenting from a same-sex partner. However, the vast majority of my clients are navigating separation, divorce and co-parenting from a male former partner. To reflect that, and also to take into consideration the reality that the vast majority of post-separation abuse is perpetrated by men, I'm going to be using very specifically male pronouns when I'm talking about the problematic behaviour of former partners in this episode, in saying that if you're a woman who's navigating separation and co-parenting with the same sex partner or former partner, please know that these behaviors that I'm about to outline in today's episode may also be relevant in your situation. Let's get into it.
Speaker 1:
After separation, your former partner might involve the children in the conflict in a variety of ways, discuss parenting issues with the kids, or they may initiate arguments with you in front of the kids, or might initiate arguments with the children. This is one way in which your controlling former partner might use and disregard children. Post-separation, your former partner may blame you for the breakup and they may verbalize this to the kids, for example, saying things like mum is breaking up the family, or I'd love to spend more time with you, but mum won't let me, or mum doesn't love me anymore and I'm so sad and lonely Words to that effect. You'll be blamed. You'll be blamed for the relationship breakup and also for the division of parenting time. Your former partner might use the kids to pass messages to you instead of communicating with you appropriately in a private way.
Speaker 1:
They might use the kids as a prop to convey desired characteristics to other people. For example, oftentimes controlling men want to demonstrate that they're a great father, maybe that they're a great single dad and that they have a wonderful relationship with the kids, even if that's not in fact the reality. They can alternate between seeking admiration from other people and seeking pity for what it is that they're going through. It's common that they disregard the best interests of the kids in relation to the children's age, the children's personal views, the children's developmental needs. They tend to prioritize winning. When it comes to parenting arrangements, they can portray a certain narrative to others that they're the victim and they can take revenge on you instead of genuinely considering the needs of the children.
Speaker 1:
It's common for controlling former partners to disregard the views of older children when it comes to care arrangements and they can take it personally when children express a preference for a home-based care, for example. They can emotionally manipulate or punish children for sharing honest views. Any close relationship with you may be viewed by your former partner to undermine their superiority and ultimate authority. It challenges their need to win. Unfortunately, controlling and abusive former partners often prefer for you to be rejected by the children, for you to be shunned by the children. They want to be the winner, the winner of the kid's affection. I know it's gross. It's all about them being very emotionally immature. It's all about them feeling shame, wanting to feel better and using the children as a way to make them feel better, as a way to feel loved. They are essentially using their children as emotional support animals.
Speaker 1:
It's common for controlling and abusive former partners to use drop-off and pick-up so the changeover time as an opportunity to intimidate you, harass you, to invoke fear or simply just to back you into a corner, to engage with you, perhaps also to put you on the spot about a decision that they're wanting you to make there. And then this is where it can be important to have changeovers occurring in a public location. Ideally, changeovers will be at kindergarten or at primary school, where you won't actually have to personally interact with them. But if it is necessary for you to facilitate a changeover, choosing a neutral public location can be really important in terms of protecting yourself from your former partner's continued controlling behavior. And if your former partner tries to have a conversation with you about parenting matters, about changing parenting agreements, anything of that kind, for you to very calmly stop the conversation and invite them to put whatever it is they would like to say in an email to you or a text message if that's still how you're communicating, perhaps by using our family wizard, if that's the platform that you're communicating on, you get the idea. It's important that you maintain that boundary of not allowing your former partner to manipulate those changeover times to engage with you.
Speaker 1:
Your former partner might expect the kids to conform to specific gender, cultural or religious rules. They might ridicule your children's likes, dislikes, needs, wants, looks or their personal identity. They might blame you for any behaviour or characteristic in the kids that they find undesirable. They might also pathologise your child and claim that your child has ADHD or autism or some other diagnosis if they don't like the behavior of your child, because controlling and abusive men tend to view children as an extension of themselves. Any behavior in the children that they don't like, that they view as being less than perfect or as a negative reflection on themselves. That can be really triggering. Hence why they blame anything like that on you and then why they try to insist that your child must have some kind of disorder or disability or other diagnosis. Your former partner might be emotionally cold towards the children, especially behind closed doors, and feel jealous of the kid's warm and loving relationship with you and feel jealous of the kid's warm and loving relationship with you. They might also express a belief that your appropriate, nurturing and healthy affection with the kids is babying them. Your former partner might encourage or allow new partners to use pictures of your children on social media, regardless of the wishes of your kids or of you, as a means to undermine you and to cause hurt. This can include allowing new partners to portray themselves publicly as a mother to your kids after a very short time, before any healthy, genuine relationship with the children has been established.
Speaker 1:
Controlling men expect and encourage children to prefer their new partner over and above you, and they reward and encourage behavior that's hurtful to you. In conjunction with that, they often expect their new partners and family members to perform parenting responsibilities, for example, expecting a new female partner to take on the mother role and create an unhealthy, false parent-child intimacy between the new partner and the children. This serves a number of purposes, including exerting control over the new partner and avoiding parenting responsibilities for their own children that they may believe are boring beneath them or quote-unquote women's work. Controlling men can also attempt to undermine the kids relationships with you. Unfortunately, this sort of behavior can be ongoing, with your former partner attempting to undermine the kids relationship with you by consistently encouraging and in fact attempting to force an inappropriate mother-child relationship between the kids and their new partner. I understand firsthand how upsetting that dynamic can be, but please rest assured your kids know who their mum is. The vast majority of children are never going to sway in their love for their mum, for you. You are their mum. They need you. They love you. Always remember that.
Speaker 1:
It's also important to not automatically demonise the new partner of your controlling and abusive ex. Some of my clients have separated from controlling and abusive men and have spoken to me about the way in which they took on parenting responsibilities for their former partner's other children. This was something that was expected of them by their former partner and they felt that they were doing the right thing in caring for the kids when the kids were spending time with them in their home. These women are loving, caring and were a hugely protective factor for those children. In saying that, I also know that there are some new partners who are not kind, caring or loving on a genuine level. I know that there are some new partners who will encourage your controlling and abusive former partner to take legal action against you, for example, who will become an active part of trying to turn the children against you, who will attempt to influence and coach the children in a way that is harmful. I'm also very much aware that there are new partners of controlling and abusive men who will either turn a blind eye to child abuse, who will deny child abuse and who will actively support abusive men and will claim that both you and your children are liars.
Speaker 1:
As much as the vast majority of family violence and post-separation abuse is perpetrated by men, believe me, I'm under no illusions at all that some women are also perpetrators. If this is part of what you're dealing with, please know that this is something that I can help with. If you think that working with me might be right for you, please head to my website, danielleblackcoachingcomau. There, you can learn more about the different ways in which you can work with me, and you can also book a free 30 minute discovery consultation to have a chat with me if you'd like to learn more about working with me going forward.
Speaker 1:
Just before we wrap up, a quick note to let you know that, instead of releasing two episodes per week, I'm scaling that back to one because my one-on-one coaching workload is increasing and I just don't have the same amount of capacity for recording podcasts that I have in the past. Thank you so much for your understanding with that. I really love the podcast work that I'm doing and the feedback that I'm getting from so many of my listeners, so thank you for your ongoing support Related to that. If you're enjoying these podcast episodes, if anything that I'm saying is resonating with you or helping you on your own personal journey, please follow the podcast. Please rate the podcast Five stars would be really appreciated and please also consider leaving a review. All of those things help to boost the visibility of the podcast and that helps me to help more women. Thank you so much for your time. I'll talk to you soon.