The Gaslit Truth

How I Found Freedom from Antidepressants & Found Myself Again: Melissa Lenz Psych Med Survivor Story

• Dr. Teralyn & Therapist Jenn • Season 1 • Episode 42

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What happens when your worst memories resurface, and you must find a way to heal? Melissa Lenz, a devoted listener of the Gaslit Truth Podcast, bravely takes us through her deeply personal journey of overcoming trauma and seeking complete health. Growing up in California with a single mother facing mental health challenges, Melissa’s story unfolds through the revelations of abuse and personal upheaval that shaped her path. Her resilience and determination inspire anyone grappling with similar adversities, as she shares her empowering transformation towards awareness and healing.

In our heartfelt conversation, we tackle the often-complex world of medication and mental health. From the initial reliance on antidepressants without psychiatric guidance to the challenges posed by medication safety during pregnancy, Melissa provides an unfiltered look into the emotional landscape shaped by pharmaceuticals. Her journey of self-discovery leads her to explore alternatives like hypnotherapy and lifestyle changes, breaking free from old belief systems and medication dependency. This episode offers invaluable insights into managing mental health with a holistic approach, underscoring the profound impact of diet and environment on one's well-being.

The episode wraps up with a powerful message on the significance of trusting one's instincts and understanding the body's needs. Melissa shares her experience of embracing a carnivore diet, gaining a new perspective on health and wellness. As she reflects on the empowerment found in self-reliance and breaking intergenerational cycles, we express our gratitude for her contribution to the Gaslit Truth Podcast. We invite listeners to stay informed, engage actively, and join us on this journey toward health and freedom, embodying the spirit of resilience that Melissa so courageously represents.

The Gaslit Truth Podcast will be live and in person at the Feed the Recovering Brain Conference in Dublin, Ohio

Join us with the top names in brain health, including Christina Veselak, Hyla Cass, and Julia Ross, author of The Mood Cure.

We’ll be bringing you interviews and behind-the-scenes content as we explore how nutrition transforms mental wellness.


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Dr. Teralyn:

Therapist Jenn:





Speaker 1:

Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of the Gaslit Truth Podcast. I am your host Therapist Jen, here with my co-host, dr Tara Lynn, and today we are with the OG fan, the original biggest fan to the Gaslit Truth Podcast, and she's talking freedom, no meds and complete health. I want to welcome to the show Melissa Lenz.

Speaker 2:

Thank you, I'm so excited to be here, you guys, you have no idea we're excited to have you.

Speaker 3:

She is our super fan. I think you were one of the very first people to comment on our YouTube videos. Yes in particular. So we thank you for all that support and within that, we know that you have a story, which is why we invited you on, because she's very passionate about what she writes in her comments. So we want to talk about your story, your truth and why it's so important for you to speak out, because otherwise you would not be speaking out on our podcast. So where would you like to begin, melissa? Oh?

Speaker 2:

my gosh Um, do we have like three hours? No.

Speaker 2:

Um so, um, oh gosh, okay.

Speaker 2:

So, uh, originally.

Speaker 2:

So I am from, originally from, california, um, I, my mother, was a single mom, um, very liberal, of course, she's a boomer, um so, and she grew up in that time period and you know, um, and mental health, uh, tends to run in the family I mean not going to lie and so she struggled a lot with depression and anger when I was growing up, and so a lot of the things that happened to me when I was a kid would now, of course, be considered child abuse, right.

Speaker 2:

Kid would now, of course, be considered child abuse, right, as a lot of us Gen Xers know. That's kind of where we've gone throughout the days and so, but growing up with that, of course, you, that's what you tend to learn, right. So, and I knew that the upside to my mother is that she was very aware, even though it was extremely hard for her to get away from those types of behaviors, she was very self-aware, and so I at least had that with her. So she actually had me in therapy at a very young age. I think the first time I went to a therapist was eight or 10 years old, so this would have been in the early eighties, that's unusual.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, it was super unusual.

Speaker 2:

Like I said, we were in California. People are a little more yippee nippee right, A little more woo woo Right, Exactly. And so I mean, when I was in a car accident at 16 in California, I went to a chiropractor and a massage therapist for treatment.

Speaker 3:

Right, I didn't even know at 16 that chiropractors and massage therapists or therapists existed, right.

Speaker 2:

Exactly so. But, like I said, this is California, so, um, but anyway, and so so I, I had already started to kind of gain some of those tools along the way, which was good for me, um, but unfortunately, because times were different back then, my mother didn't have a lot of tools to kind of get past a lot of those issues Right. So as I got older and I was the oldest of two girls, my mother was single and so I took care of everybody, of course, and so that was kind of my lot in life, of everybody of course, and so that was kind of my lot in life. Got through high school, met the first man that I married, got married at 18 and thought, oh, everything's perfect, everything's wonderful. But then life happens and we found out that my stepfather, who was married to my mother for quite a while, had been molesting my little sister for years. So that kind of blew my family apart and I had a really hard time dealing with that. And then, all at the same time, my biological father had written me a letter to let me know that he had spent a year in jail for molesting his stepdaughter. Oh, wow, then in the same month I'm sure, because my brain was so stressed out and, for some odd reason, the dam came down and I started having repressed memories of my own molestation. So all of this happened within a month's time. So this was as you can imagine my complete world was just in shambles Because of that.

Speaker 2:

I left my first husband, got a divorce, my mother and my sister to get out of California and the craziness that's out there moved to Iowa and since I was by myself basically in California, my mom said why don't you move out here with us? So that's what I did. I moved out here 30 years ago and I met a man who I thought was absolutely wonderful and got pregnant. So now to get a little more of a backstory, my father was not really around. He would drop in, maybe once a year. He was a obviously a child molester, which I found out later on in my life, but he was a womanizer also, and which is one of the reasons my mother had left him but and so I didn't have him around. And of course, as we all know, as grown women, fathers are extremely important, so extremely important, and so my biggest fear was not having a father for my children, right, and even though there were massive, massive red flags about this man. I did everything that I could to keep us together and eventually we got married.

Speaker 3:

Now to kind of speed this along sorry, my no, in my brain I just went how very Gen X of you is what I did.

Speaker 2:

Right, no very much. So, right, yeah, yeah. So we're just going to go past all that. So altogether we ended up having four children. He's a farmer here in Iowa and very old fashioned, because his parents are from the depression era, so he was kind of a late life Oops. So his way of thinking was complete opposite of mine and so, um, so there was obviously a lot of differences, a lot of. He was also an alcoholic. Um, he was verbally abusive, uh, a little bit physically abusive, not to the point where you know, he was hitting me all the time or anything. A lot of it was just grabbing a hold of me to keep me from leaving, type of thing. And so we did a lot of that on and off, and I tried really hard. I stayed in therapy the entire time and tried to just make things better right along the way. When my kids were very young is when I originally went to my doctor and I said and because of the history of depression in my family, I just assumed, guess what, I have it too.

Speaker 3:

Okay, so I know where you're going to go with this. Before you do, I want to ask you if your therapist had a role in you going to the doctor.

Speaker 1:

No Cause.

Speaker 3:

I'm okay, all right, all right.

Speaker 2:

No, I did it myself because because my mother had done it Right. So my mother had always been been, or for a long time had been, on all kinds of medications, um, and so that was actually my own push, just because I assumed that, well, she has these issues, so I probably do too, and so if she's on meds, then I probably need to be on meds too, right? And of course, at that time. So this was mid nineties, late nineties, so that's when, of course, the big tidal wave of meds started to come into play, right. So it was all about well, buterin and Prozac, I didn't even do Prozac, which is kind of the funny thing.

Speaker 2:

I've never been do Prozac, which is kind of the funny thing. I've never been on Prozac which is a little weird. But I think we started with well, buterin I can't remember there was another one, but now I can't think of it, but so anyway. So of course, I did the same thing, which is what a lot of people do, which is we start with one thing. Okay, so I went to my PCP, right, I didn't even go to a psychiatrist, I didn't none of that, none of that. And of course, he's like well, you know, how do you feel? Blah, blah, blah. What do you think, what do you, what's your day like, things like that. But he, of course, never went into what's going on at home. You know, what are you doing to help, or what are you doing? Are you, are you eating right, are you exercising any, any of this other stuff? They just went straight to. Well, yeah, you, you, you know, you clinically show depression. So let's start with this, you know.

Speaker 3:

And of course, I want to guess that you also shared about your mother in that. So it was yeah, yeah, history, genetically Right. Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 2:

That's exactly biological marker.

Speaker 1:

That already pigeonholes you a bit.

Speaker 2:

Yep, yeah, exactly so. And of course that's what I thought too. Yep, yeah, exactly so. And of course that's what I thought too, because that's all I'd ever known and heard. Um, and so, uh, yeah. So we started me out on a small amount and then, you know, after a week or two we bumped it up and then see how I was after 30 days, 60. I don't even remember now, crap, it's been so long.

Speaker 2:

It was probably 96 that I started, probably somewhere in there, I think my son was one or two years old, um, so, and then, of course, I had two more children after that, um, so, and then, of course, I had two more children after that. So, of course, then it was, and, yes, I was worried about what was happening during pregnancy, but of course they were always like, oh, it's fine, it's completely safe, don't worry about it. And I'm and I look back at it now and I think, how could you possibly know that? Yeah, how could you possibly know that? Yeah, how could you possibly know that? But anyway, um so, and of course I would do what I think a lot of people do, which is I'd get six months to a year down the road and I'd be like I just don't feel like this is really working anymore. You know like I'm starting to feel depressed again, I'm starting to feel angry again. I'm starting to, you know, feel all of these emotions which God forbid. We feel emotions.

Speaker 3:

I was just going to say I'm starting to feel again you know on it now and I think about how much I missed with my kids growing up, you know, and just not feeling anything.

Speaker 2:

I know it's hard, I know, I know you've heard all these things.

Speaker 3:

Like, Jen and I have the same thing like how, how many memories we lost. Oh, my God, how many times we didn't participate. Yeah, and that is the mom guilt of mom guilts Like yes, yeah.

Speaker 2:

And we're not even going to talk about the Swiss cheese up here because I can't. In fact, just this morning, my daughter and I were on the phone, as I'm headed into work, and she's talking about these friends of hers from high school, and I'm headed into work and she's talking about these friends of hers from high school and I'm like I don't remember these people. I don't, I don't remember. Well, mom, I dated this guy. I don't remember, I don't remember. Yeah, so, uh, and there's, yeah, there's a lot, so um, so, yeah, so I would get to a point where I would just stop. It would stop. I thought it was stopped working, right, and so I would go back to the doctor and then we would either up the medication or something new would come onto the market. Well, let's try this instead. Yeah, okay, so how do we do that? Well, okay, so we're going to slowly take you off of the other one, and slowly, of course, meant two weeks, two weeks.

Speaker 3:

I was going to say two days. Yeah, two weeks.

Speaker 2:

Two weeks. So first do a half dose for a week, cut it down to 10. Then do every other day and then start the new one, and you know it's.

Speaker 1:

I got to interrupt for just a second, melissa. What's interesting is this was early 2000s, late nineties. When was this?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, late nineties, early 2000s, somewhere, that's still happening now.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, same thing with the pregnancy stuff.

Speaker 1:

Like I was going to say the same thing, um that, the statements that are being made about that. Yeah, same thing with the pregnancy stuff. For those of you who are taking psychiatric medication you probably have heard this recently or switching meds, right, or haven't heard it, and this might be the first time you're hearing it, yeah maybe. So yeah, if you're thinking about tapering or switching, if that is, the comment that is made is, let's do a two-week transition or so, or a few weeks put your red flag up immediately.

Speaker 3:

Or you want to get pregnant. Put your red flag up immediately.

Speaker 2:

Right, yeah, yeah, for sure, yeah, um, so, yeah, so eventually.

Speaker 3:

So I just kept doing this, this whole, you know rigmarole, Do you remember what you were thinking during that time? Do you remember what you were thinking during that time? Were you thinking anything like outside of what? Like were you questioning it all, or were you so deep into it that you felt like you couldn't question it?

Speaker 2:

I was so deep into it because I just wanted to feel normal, yeah, whatever that means Whatever that means, right, exactly Like I just wanted to be normal. I just wanted to be a give yourself a minute I just wanted to be a normal mom, yes, um.

Speaker 2:

So, and I did have a good counselor that really tried to work with me hard and we were being a farmer's wife is you don't have money? There's no money there. There's no money there. Oh, on top of the fact that he kept money from me. So you know, that's a whole nother, that's a whole nother story. So you know, that's a whole nother, that's a whole nother story. But so I had to work full time, raise four children, because I needed to be able to bring money in so I could pay bills, because he refused to give me money, but anyway. So you know, that's a whole nother part to it.

Speaker 2:

But, and so I just found myself kind of in this vortex of just trying to get by day to day, you know, just trying to do the best that I could, feeling like I was failing miserably. Obviously, you know, because I was angry at my husband, I was angry with my kids, I was snapping constantly, I felt like with my kids and trying to figure out how to balance this and do better and get better all the time. But I feel like, looking back now, I feel like the medication kept me from being able to reach just a little bit further. You know what I mean. So, feeling like, feeling like I was just shut off and even though I was trying to do better and I was going to counseling, um, I just didn't have the emotion. I feel like that I needed to get to that next step. You know, um, and so eventually I got to a point where, um, after a lot of back and forth and fighting with my ex-husband, trying to do better, trying to get us on a track where we could live out the rest of our lives together, um, I got to a point where he wasn't doing the work, he wouldn't do the work, he wouldn't stop drinking, and but I didn't know what I could do. If I could do this on my own, you know, can I? I still had three children at home. My oldest had a baby and then I still had three at home. And I'm going, what am I going to do? Where am I going to go? How am I going to? Because, of course, he gaslit the crap out of me. You can't do anything, you're not good enough, you know all the all of this stuff, and I just felt like there was no place left for me to go and, granted, I'm still on medication and several medications at this point and going to counseling and all of the things.

Speaker 2:

And yet, one night, after we'd had a huge fight and he put his hands on me again, I felt like I had absolutely no way out and I went to our basement and I sat on the couch we had down there and I took a bottle of my husband's my ex-husband's pills, and I took one at a time. I had no idea what these things were going to do to me. I just grabbed a bottle of pills. I didn't even know at the time what they were. He came down and found me and said what are you doing? So I told him and this was my wake-up call. He looked at me and he said well, just sleep it off, you'll be okay in the morning. And I went wait, hold on, this is what I'm leaving my children for, this is what I'm leaving my children for. Like it was just.

Speaker 2:

It was the light bulb moment that I needed and I looked at him and I said you need to call and find out what these are going to do to me. So he called the ER, which was in the next tiny little town over, and they said bring her in, took me with the pills Apparently they were pills that luckily Weren't going to do much, except maybe damage my kidneys a little bit. But as I'm sitting in the ER and they're talking to me and they at one point Made him leave the room Because I didn't want to talk in front of him, I told them what had been going on, all of this stuff, and they sent me home with him. Yeah, they sent me home with him that night. They didn't keep me for evaluation, they didn't tell me to go elsewhere, none of that. I had just tried to kill myself and the ER doctors send me home with my abuser.

Speaker 2:

So it was quite the wake up call. I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't want to make it sound like I was in eminent danger you know what I mean of being murdered or anything like that. But that doesn't mean that he didn't say things to me and make me feel like the lowest person on the planet. Lowest person on the planet which for someone who is already suicidal, is probably not a great idea right To be around. I just want.

Speaker 3:

I want to interject for a second. You were, you were in imminent danger, not necessarily from him in that way, but from yourself, you know. And and to be sent home like that is really interesting to me, you know.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and, like I said, it was a tiny little town, but does that matter?

Speaker 2:

You know what I mean. I mean, should that matter? That's, that's probably the, the thing that gets to me the most. Like we didn't go to the university of iowa, which is 30 minutes away, um, where they might have kept, I don't know, I mean, who knows, um, but I mean, uh, yeah, so anyway, um. So that's when I finally was like this is it? This has to be done, this has to be over. I'm done, I'm just completely done.

Speaker 2:

So, filed for divorce, moved out, left him, struggled, obviously like crazy, obviously like crazy, um, and. But I finally started seeing myself as worthy of being healthy, right, so there was a couple of times that I tried to get off the meds and, of course, my and I, you know, to be completely honest, I don't even remember whether I had asked my doctor about this or if I had just decided I was going to do it myself. So, um, I get, yeah, like I said, swiss cheese memories, so, um. So I tried a couple of times to do it and, of course, it went absolutely horribly. I just spiraled out of control. I was feeling horrible. I was on the floor in my bed crying, and you know the whole nine yards of. I'm angry, I'm pissed off, I'm everything you know. And then, of course, feeling sick, because the other thing that it does is it puts you into withdrawal and you feel like it's. It's literally like cocaine or or anything else. You know you, you all you want is to put that back into your body so that your body can feel better. And that's literally what it was, what it was like. And so I thought, okay, well, I'm, I can't do it, I I'm just going to have to be on it for the rest of my life. And, of course, you know you try to tell yourself it's okay, lots of people have to do it, it's. You know. You make all of these excuses, right? Um, and then eventually I did. I met my current husband Absolutely amazing man Loves me for all my flaws and my crazy, crazy family and background, and and he's like whatever you need to do, you know what, whatever I, I'm here.

Speaker 2:

And so I got into health and fitness about 10 years ago and started eating much, much better, cut out pretty much all processed foods and ate whole foods and things like that was working out every day, started losing a bunch of weight I lost about. I lost just over 50 pounds altogether and just started feeling so much better. I'm like this is just amazing. Well, obviously I'm away from the craziness that was my life before. So I I talked a lot of that up to that, right.

Speaker 2:

Um, I also knew that eating better and being healthy and working out was also making a lot of that happen too, and so so at one point during that I decided, okay, let's try it again. Right, let's try it again, cause I'd always been. My want was to get completely off of medication, and so I I said, okay, so we're going to try this, and I kind of microdosed my, tried to microdose myself down. But how do you do that with caplets, right, and not knowing anything and I'm pretty sure my doctor didn't even know, because I think they told me the same thing Just take, take half a one, half one, yeah, cut it in half, yeah, basically.

Speaker 2:

And so, or take every other day, or every third day, or whatever it was, and um, and and again, I just spiraled and I felt like crap and I would get dizzy and and I couldn't think and I was tired and I'm like this is just, I can't do this and I would get weepy and just the whole nine yards Right, and so I would go back on them. I went back on them Cause I'm like I just I'm just not going to be able to do it. Apparently, there's just something broken inside of me, right? My brain is broken.

Speaker 3:

So I'm just chuckling Cause I'm like I know all the things that you're saying are things that we've, we've said ourselves, we've been told, we've been taught, we perpetuate all the things?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, all of them, yeah. Which is why I sit there and listen to you guys and I'm not kidding, if you could put a camera on me, I'm like, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. And I'm not kidding, if you could put a camera on me, I'm like, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. And I'm just like and that's why half the time I'm sitting there typing into the and I'm just like, and that's why you're our super fan.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, oh my gosh, and so, uh, yeah, so, and I just like I just told myself, I'm like this is just the way it's going to be, this is just the way it's going.

Speaker 2:

my gosh and so, uh, yeah, so, and I just like I just told myself, I'm like this is just the way it's going to be, this is just the way it's going to be. It's so I and then, I think about three years ago, I finally got to a place where things were going really really well and everything was going great and I was learning, learning some new things. I happen to be one of those people that I will constantly learn shit, like I will just constantly learn things.

Speaker 2:

It doesn't mean I will always stick with it all the time, but I will constantly learn things. I have done so many different, stuck my toes into so many different things Um, but uh, and so I. I was learning how to do um, um, uh, subconscious dominance, um, therapy, so conscious, okay, so, uh, okay. So my brain's not going to let me think of the word anyway, I know Right, exactly.

Speaker 1:

It's all right.

Speaker 2:

So when? What happens when you put somebody to sleep and you work on their unconscious? What's that called Hypnosis? Thank you, okay.

Speaker 2:

So I learned, I learned a wide awake, hypnotherapy type of way to do things, and it's it's a way to change thought patterns.

Speaker 2:

And I will have to send you this man's link Tim boxes his name, he's from the UK and he actually came up with this, with this new type of therapy, so you can do it with somebody wide awake and you don't have to put them under hypnosis, cause I'm one of those oops, I keep touching the microwave, I'm one of those people who can't be hypnotized, um and so, but this absolutely and completely worked for me. So I'll have to send you the guys, the, the information, but anyway, so I was doing a lot of that and I was changing a lot of my thought patterns and things like that with with, uh, control was, which is what it's called, and I was like you know, I I've got to figure out how to just finally get rid of this medication, like I'm just gonna have to do it myself, because the doctors weren't helping at all with how to get off of it without completely just making me feel like crap. Right, so I'm like I need to.

Speaker 3:

I have a question Did you have to change your thought processes around how you felt about medications to like all the old tapes you know that you had? Did you have to change your thoughts around that too, or was that a? Was that a conscious thing that you did during that time, or was that still later?

Speaker 2:

I actually didn't do that consciously, I cause I think I had already at some point and in some ways figured out that I need to get off of this, and I think it came with the health and fitness journey.

Speaker 2:

Sure Because realizing and figuring out that I can feel better physically and mentally with food and exercise and I'm like I don't need to put a drug into my system. Need to put a drug into my system if I can do this in another way? Yeah, yeah, exactly, yeah, so, um, so, yeah, so I, oh, shoot you guys. My can I, can you give me just a second? My computer is about to die. I am so sorry.

Speaker 3:

I can't, I'll edit this part out.

Speaker 2:

I had a full.

Speaker 1:

I don't know. I think this is pretty entertaining, so I don't think we added any of it.

Speaker 2:

I had a whole freaking battery.

Speaker 1:

This is reality of what happens when you're doing a show like shit happens. Let's just be honest here. Let it roll, roll with it.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, right, so anyway, I, so yeah. So I I had already kind of gotten to that point, but I did real. But it did make me realize what control did was. It did make me realize that I have control over those thought processes and that I need, need I can change that for myself and I don't need the drug at all, no matter what, whether it's something that's inherently within me because of family or not, I still have the ability to control that for myself. And so that's what I was. Just I'm going to do this Like I don't care anymore, I'm just going to do it, I'm going to fight through it, whatever it is. Thankfully, I was never on anything extremely harsh right, I don't know.

Speaker 1:

I think they're all harsh. So I would argue you can have a benzo, you can have you know an antipsychotic, you could have a benzo, you can have an antipsychotic.

Speaker 3:

You can have a drug for depression SSRI, yep, afexor.

Speaker 1:

I think it's all Yep, yep.

Speaker 2:

Afexor is what? Yeah, so Afexor is what I was on. Yeah, oh.

Speaker 3:

Okay, that's one of them, that's, that's.

Speaker 2:

I think you, I think that's all I was on.

Speaker 3:

Oh, my gosh, yeah, and so um.

Speaker 2:

So I just was like, okay, I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna do this, I'm just gonna do it. And so, yeah, it was it quite the journey, for for quite a while it took me probably. It took me probably two or three months to get past the physical. Yeah, um, withdrawals, um, and I think I, I think I tapered for for about a month um, it might have been two months and then I dropped it and and then the after effects Effects were obviously a lot of brain fog, sleep issues, brain zaps. I was wondering, because usually effects are brain zaps.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, so much fun.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so much fun. Oh, my God. Talk about sleep problems, good Lord, because that's when I would feel mine. I don't know about anybody else, but that's when I would feel mine. I don't know about anybody else, but that's when I would feel mine was when I was on that verge of awake and asleep and then all of a sudden it would. Yeah, they just start going off.

Speaker 3:

That makes sense from a neurological perspective and I also think a lot of people have like restless legs, you know so sleep, you get very restless. I think now I'd probably view that as akathisia right Like a part of akathisia.

Speaker 2:

So yeah, yeah, um, and then, I think, just just the ups and downs of a lot of emotion, obviously, you know, coming off of it and being numb for so long. I didn't, I didn't know how to deal. Well, here's the other kicker At the same time we went through COVID, oh yeah, and I went through menopause Yay me. So that was fun. Yeah, so I, I really, I really love to make myself fight. I think is what I figured out. Myself fight, I think is what I figured out. I just I'm a survivor, let's just, let's just do it all.

Speaker 2:

I mean, let's yeah, so, um, yeah. So it took me probably between two and three years before they finally everything finally subsided. Um, yeah, but best decision I ever made, for sure Best thing I ever did.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, you say freedom in your correspondence to us. You say freedom, complete health, Nomad's complete health. So what does that mean for you? What does that mean?

Speaker 2:

for you, so for me, that means not having to be tied to drugs at all, not having to worry about oh my gosh, do I need to refill my meds? What if I go without them, right? What if I forget them? I'm going to feel like crap, I'm going to feel like I'm going to puke. I'm going to, you know, the whole nine yards.

Speaker 2:

Um, feeling good about myself, being able to actually feel the feelings now, instead of pushing them back or pushing them down, and yeah, just just feeling like I actually have a life back and feeling like I can be there For my kids I mean, they're all grown, I have grandkids now, so but but at least I can be there, I have the the energy and stamina to be there with my grandkids and have fun with them and you know and be able to look back.

Speaker 2:

And I also am taking care of my mother, who has Alzheimer's, and so that's been another big push for me is making sure, because my grandmother also had Alzheimer's and so I. So I, I am starting to understand and realize that a lot of these meds are likely the cause of a lot of these Alzheimer's, and so that was another thing was making sure that I could keep free of all of these medications. So, um, yeah, so the the freedom is just being able to actually be who I am, not worry about it, not have to push myself down, you know, so that I don't feel anything and not having to, like I said, worry about do I have any medications, did I forgot to take them? Am I going to be without them? And again, just like a drug addict. And that's what it feels like, is it feels like it feels like you're a drug addict, trying to make sure that you don't miss your next dose, you know, yeah.

Speaker 3:

So, yeah, I want to bring, bring this back in time a little bit because your story is and this is I'm not trying, no, whoever's listening, I'm not trying to disparage anybody in this story your mom was in an abusive relationship and she used medication, I'm guessing, to stay, to numb out her own emotional self, to stay, because back in those days that's what you did. You did whatever you could, boomers, whatever, gen X, even to stay. I think generations now have a different idea about that, but I still think people largely take medications in order to stay put To tolerate the situations in life, right, whether it's an abusive relationship, or just a bad job, or just feeling stuck?

Speaker 2:

Right.

Speaker 3:

And so your story is one of repeating patterns, behaviors and trauma. You know over and over again, and I think you know, in stopping, you have essentially stopped that pattern for your own children, and I think that's an important thing to talk about, and not to disparage people if they choose to take medication, but just this idea that as parents, as moms, like our kids, are watching and and they look to us like, oh well, it makes sense. My mom had to do this too, Yep, Not taking into account that your mom was sitting in a traumatic environment and so were you you know, what I mean, like oh, my mom had to do this because of genetics, so this makes sense.

Speaker 3:

Instead of environmentally, what can we do? Right, you know?

Speaker 2:

that might be different.

Speaker 3:

So I just, I don't know, I'm just trying to wrap my head around this idea that even taking psychiatric medication is a behavior that our children watch right as a, as a coping strategy for life, right.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, yeah, and I was Melissa. I was thinking about you know. You just shared with the world here an extremely intimate moment of being in a space of of almost ending your life, okay, and I think about what we know when it comes to the possible role of those medications in getting you to that space, Right? So the thing that was to help me and and get me through this and to tolerate, um, when you've been talking about your marriage and I need to make things work for my kids, I don't want my kids to not have a male figure in their life, right? So the things that we choose to do to help those interventions, right, could have very well played a role in you sitting on that couch. From what we know from psychiatric medications and the susceptibility to, to to suicidality with them within them. So it's one of those you know and we don't have that answer, right? But when you're talking about this, I do wonder for you, when you think about this, if that's part of your, your truth of of your story.

Speaker 2:

I think what it did, more than anything, was, instead of allowing me to get upset and angry enough to leave, yeah, it kept me from feeling what I needed to feel in order to take that step. Yes, and it kept me so fogged that I couldn't see anything else. Right, I couldn't see any other way out. I couldn't see the next step that needed to happen because I was so just walled off. Yeah, because the medication just numbed everything. Yeah, and it just made me not feel.

Speaker 2:

And I think, I think, as humans, we need to be able to feel those extremes so that we know how to act and how to react, if that makes sense, you know, instead of numbing ourselves so that we can just walk through it like a zombie, because that's basically how you feel. You feel like a zombie just wandering through your life, and and and I I think, I think you're right I think that it got me to a point where I couldn't see anything else because everything there was a veil over everything, and so I felt like that was the only way to get out from underneath that shroud, instead of being able to look in and see and be able to feel my way through, to be able to see there's another, there's another way.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, it plays a really large role in decision, decision making. Oh for sure, it almost removes um options when you, when you have them, um, it makes it very kind of black or white almost, and you can't see that there are actually other opportunities or options or things that you can do, because you can't feel those either. Right, you can't feel your way to get to decisions if that makes sense, right, you just can't. So it's like, well, the two options are one which I can't tolerate and can't think about and I don't want, or two I remain and try to stay within this and tolerate this, right, even though there are so many other options right along the way, but you can't feel your way into even thinking them.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, well, not to mention that people around you are supporting the idea that you need more meds or a different med. That's the way to get out right. So this conflict that happens in your brain, I would also imagine like the unhelpful part. You know, like I have become unhelpful. These meds aren't even working, these dosages aren't even working, you know. So it's me, it's my fault.

Speaker 1:

I'm the one Assuming there was just something wrong with me, were your exact words, melissa.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yeah, and that's it. That's, that's exactly what it is. And unfortunately, they don't. And I don't think it was until I found I actually found a therapist who told me that, finally, it's not you, you know, it's not you, it's the situation that you're in, you know. And she said I can't tell you what to do, which is good, it's what every therapist should do, right, but you need to look at the bigger picture here. You know, these are your options, you need to make a decision. And she, yeah, and so I don't know where I was going with that.

Speaker 3:

So what I want to say is salute to some therapist in the middle of Iowa.

Speaker 1:

That's what I'm thinking too.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, who? Who has the wherewithal to not like? Promote more meds and send, keep sending you back and you know, gaslighting you more into this medication will be the answer, you know so salute to whoever that therapist was in the middle of Iowa.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, Farmland Nowhereville so yeah, yeah, way to go. Well, we do have the University of Iowa here is is quite a large teaching hospital, yeah, and they have some of the some of the most amazing clinics and people that come out of. So, as much as I am getting to the point where I disagree with doctors, very, very much, a lot- You're on the right show.

Speaker 2:

I will say that the universe they they're. I'll give them a little bit of a plug. They're pretty good about being cutting edge, so you know. But yeah, I mean I was very lucky to have found her and and she did a great job and did me, did very well. So, um, but yeah, and and I think, um, I honestly, to be completely honest, and I've talked with my girls about this I will get, I, I 100% will give myself a lot of credit. I am, I'm going to give myself a lot of credit because I constantly look to do better.

Speaker 2:

I constantly am trying to figure out how to do better, how to do better as a mother, how to do better as an employee, how to do better as a wife. How, how do I just do better as a human being? Period, like, what can I learn new? All the? And my, my husband probably drives him freaking insane Cause I do new stuff all the time and I'm constantly doing something new, but but I think he likes it too. I mean he's just like this this is cool. What else can we learn? What are you learning new?

Speaker 2:

you know, today type of thing, and so um this is these are our fans, right Like?

Speaker 1:

I'm sitting here just like wow, hell yeah, it does like the most inquisitive, curious open-minded people in you.

Speaker 1:

It's just really great to hear you say this, melissa, because I know that you, along with so many people that listen to this show, this was the pull. Right, just to hear you talk it's, it's a huge um. I'm almost feel like warm and fuzzy inside, cause these are the, this is the pull, the people that that we want listening, the people that are willing to get super inquisitive about shit. Um, yeah, and it's just, it's very validating. So you're validating yourself, you're validating us. You have no idea what you're doing right now.

Speaker 2:

It's just fabulous when, when I first found you, tara Lynn, on, uh, on Tik TOK, I was just like, I think the one of the first videos I think I saw was something about um, it was about medications, I think, and I'm just like, holy shit, somebody actually thinks the way that I do, and she's a doctor. Oh my God.

Speaker 3:

I was just like he's actually saying the quiet parts out loud.

Speaker 2:

And I'm just like, holy crap, somebody is actually listening, somebody is actually listening and saying it out loud. I was like, oh yes, I'm here for this. And then, when you guys announced the podcast, I was like, oh yes, hell yes, I am here for this all day long. And so, yeah, and, like I said, I send my kids, I send especially my girls. My boys are kind of, you know, they're typical males, so, um, but I send, I send it to my girls and who are each, of course, my oldest is 34. My youngest girl is 26. And and, uh, my youngest girl is about to have her second child. My oldest has two children and is done having children. Um, but they're both going through their own struggles, right, just like we all do. I mean, it's just part of life, it's part of life, and so, um, and so I try to send them stuff and they probably get really tired of me sending them.

Speaker 3:

Mom, send them our email.

Speaker 2:

So but, but yeah, and so I think, and that's what I try to do for them. I try to model, you keep pushing, you keep looking, you keep trying to find the right thing that works for them. I try to model, you keep pushing, you keep looking, you keep trying to find the right thing that works for you. And I don't care what that is, I don't care whether it's if medication ends up being that thing, fine, cool. I have a daughter who who's ketamine treatments and that's worked amazing for her, it's worked super well for her, which is great. I'm glad.

Speaker 2:

Um, I would love to see her get off of some of the other stuff, but that's that's in her time and she needs to figure that out. Um, you know, my oldest is doing some. I think she's doing some small amounts right now. But, like I told her, I said, just know what to do, and you guys have helped me tremendously with this, because I'm like you need to ask your doctor, okay, when do I know that it's time to get off of these and how do I do that, you know? And so I've had that conversation with her.

Speaker 3:

But I don't know, I don't know that I think the question of how do I know when it's time to get off, yeah, when we outsource that question, I think it's a question we need to be asking. But when we outsource it to somebody else to tell us, I think then there's the problem. Right, like so, like, how do you?

Speaker 3:

know, when it's time, yeah, and so Jen and I did an episode on agnostic nausea a couple of episodes before this one is going to air. And that is literally the amnesia, the amnesia that you're in, that keeps you in that space. Then suddenly you have a light bulb moment that allows you to get inquisitive and be like when should I get off of this? And I'm going to go out on a limb and say when you start asking yourself when you should get off of this it's probably time to get off of this.

Speaker 1:

That's my line to everybody when they ask me too, like yeah, it's actually now, because you just said it out loud, exactly.

Speaker 3:

If you're curious about when, I would guess that the time is now and don't outsource that question. It's okay to ask it, but ultimately don't outsource the answer entirely to somebody else Comes from within.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, exactly For sure.

Speaker 3:

It's such an important question, but don't outsource the answer to somebody else. You know keep asking the questions but know I I can't tell you when your prescriber won't tell you when um yeah, you, by asking the question, I've already told yourself when you know it's very, it's a very interesting conversation.

Speaker 1:

So is there anything, melissa, as we wrap up here, that you haven't gotten to share with everyone, or anything about your truth that you want people to know?

Speaker 2:

I think, especially in the last, probably in the last 10 years, I think the biggest thing that I think a lot of people really need to start waking up to is what you're putting in your body is what you become. Does that make sense? Yes, yes, um, yes.

Speaker 1:

That's not a deliverable. Throw it down.

Speaker 2:

I got it my thing Right, yeah, yeah. So what my, my big thing and the probably the biggest thing I've learned over the last few years have been, has been and and, of course, now it's starting to become a push, and I think a lot of people are waking up to the fact that, um, what's in our and I'm going to take this in a totally different direction what's in our environments and in our foods and the things that we drink and we consume on a daily basis, is the biggest piece of health that you can possibly look at. You know, like I said, doing the journey of health and fitness was a big part of that, and then just starting to really whittle that down to exactly what it is my body needs, where I'm going with that, or what it is, especially with the changing bodies, especially for women. You know, when you start getting into perimenopause and menopause and postmenopause, um, it makes a big difference in what you're taking in and what your body reacts to.

Speaker 2:

Hubby and I, for 10 months, have been carnivore and we started that journey the beginning of this year, and so that was, that's been a big light bulb moment to you know, of all of these things that we've been consuming, that we've been consuming, and the best I've ever felt in my entire life has been not taking in anything else on the outside. And of course, now everything I look at in the grocery store and around me is poison. So that's fun, that's true.

Speaker 1:

Once you get that truth in you, you can't you look at everything differently. It's just crazy.

Speaker 2:

It's crazy to me now being having my eyes wide open about food and everything that's in it and the chemicals and all the just the crap. But but we've just. Yeah, I mean, I think the big thing is is that I just I want people to understand that everything that you put into your mouth, no matter what it is, whether it's food, whether it's drinks, whether it's medication is what your body is going to build itself with. And so you know, just constantly be thinking about what is it that I'm consuming? What am I putting in my body? What am you know? What is this going to do to me? Yeah, when I consume it and it doesn't, that doesn't matter whether it's food or medications. You know and just keep keep asking questions. I think that's the biggest thing is, I was too afraid to ask those questions of my doctor because, of course, we see the white coat and nothing else. For me, nothing else happens in my brain, nothing. Yeah, See the white coat and yes, whatever, whatever you need me to do, just tell me what to do.

Speaker 3:

I'll do it Right Outsourcing what you know to be yeah.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and so and don't don't let them gaslight you into thinking that just because you're not and I, I left a message yesterday, I left a comment yesterday and one of the new episodes of uh, just because you are not an expert does not mean you don't know anything. Yeah.

Speaker 3:

Right.

Speaker 1:

That's right. I think I might've said that before.

Speaker 2:

So, anyway, yeah, I mean, and that's, and that's one of the other things that, with everything that's happened over the last four or five years and all the craziness in the world, is, just because you're, just because you didn't graduate, just because you didn't, you don't have this plaque on the wall doesn't mean you don't know what you're talking about. That's right, especially when it comes to your own body.

Speaker 3:

So, yeah, yeah, you are the honor student of your own body and brain.

Speaker 2:

That's right, you are the honor student there. Yes, all right.

Speaker 3:

We need to wrap up this episode today of the Gaslit Truth and our special guest, the OG, melissa Lenz, and I want to just express my complete gratitude for you, yeah, for staying engaged with us, for spreading the word and for not getting gaslit. So, if you are listening, thanks for hanging out with us today. Make sure that you like, follow, subscribe and comment, like Melissa does on YouTube and all of our social medias. We love it. And that is a wrap of the Gaslit Truth.

People on this episode

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Dr. Teralyn

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Jennifer Schmitz

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