The Gaslit Truth

Antidepressants Stole My Wife & Marriage with LA's Comedy Cop, Cliff Yates

• Dr. Teralyn & Therapist Jenn • Season 2 • Episode 89

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The spark didn’t just fade—it was blunted. We bring on Cliff Yates, a 35-year veteran of the LA County Sheriff’s Department and stand-up comic, to unpack how SSRIs can quietly reorganize a relationship’s core: intimacy, memory, judgment, and even the stories we tell about each other. Cliff walks us through the gut-punch details—a cruise retold as isolation, affection replaced by aggression, and a warm home recast as a staging ground for divorce—while we map those moments against medication switches, taper attempts, and the confusing dance between “relapse” and withdrawal.

Together we examine the clinical minefield where mania triggered by antidepressants is relabeled as “unmasking bipolar,” where new diagnoses justify more drugs, and where emotional numbing blocks the grief necessary to repair. We explore the neuroscience behind spellbinding—why the medicated reality can feel unimpeachably true to the person on the drug—and how that leaves spouses questioning their sanity. We also confront the social backdrop: skyrocketing antidepressant use, rising “silver divorce,” and a culture that treats pain as pathology while ignoring side

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Dr. Teralyn:

Therapist Jenn:





dr teralyn sell:

Your partner doesn't look at you the same anymore. The spark is gone. The desire dead. You're sleeping next to a stranger, and the pills that were supposed to help only drove you further apart. That's the SSRI, Gaslit Truth. Nobody wants to talk about. We are your whistleblowing shrinks, Dr. Terra Lynn and therapist Jen. And this is the Gaslit Truth Podcast. Before we rip this wide open, hit like, smash, subscribe, and if you're on YouTube, ring that bell so you don't miss a thing.

jennifer schmitz:

And for those of you listening, just remember that this podcast is not Dr. Terry and I's only hustle. We are also deprescribers. And what that means is we help get people off psychiatric medication safely for the brain and the body. So if that's something that you are considering doing, please make sure that you reach out, send us an email at thegaslit truthpodcast at gmail.com, and Dr. Terry and I will get you hooked up with some deprescribing.

dr teralyn sell:

Our guest today knows firsthand how SSRIs can impact a relationship, stealing intimacy, killing connection, and leaving him watching the partner he loved fade behind a prescription. He's here to tell that gut-wrenching story from the spouse's perspective. He's Cliff Yates, host of the Cliss Cliff Yates Show podcast, a 35-year veteran of the LA County Sheriff's Department and a stand-up comic known as LA's Comedy Cop. Welcome to the show, Cliff.

cliff yates:

I'm so glad to be with you guys. Thanks for all you do. I'm so glad I found you. And I just, Dr. Teryllin, I love everything you do. And then uh therapist Jen, your interview with Dr. Joseph. I think, wow, this lady, young lady, is so energetic and positive and so willing to tell your story, and you were so authentic. It was just everything hit home to me, especially the Lexapro deal, because my wife was on it. And I, you know, to be in an expert, I don't want to say I'm an expert, but I've been studying this for the past five months. Like, I think I put a hundred hours in. And when I share out this information, a lot that I've learned from you, I mean, people are just astounded. I the public does not know what's going on with these SSRIs. And I remember when I used to have to struggle. What does that mean? Now I know a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. I know that so well, it's kind of crazy.

jennifer schmitz:

That's burned into your cornea. Yeah. Thank you for the compliment. I appreciate it.

dr teralyn sell:

Yeah, and you didn't say young lady in front of me, so I'm a little I didn't. I'm sorry. You told you young lady. I love it.

jennifer schmitz:

Sorry. I love it. Keep it up, Cliff. Keep it up.

cliff yates:

Oh my goodness. You know, I have to tell you guys, I went through probably I was in despair over these turn of events, probably for about three months. And then I realized from studying and learning, you guys, hey, listen, we're supposed to feel the full range of our emotions. And that's what these SSRIs do, is they blunt you so that people aren't feeling that. So I said, Well, I'm supposed to be feeling this despair because it's a life event, episodic, and I'll get through it. And so I don't know. It's it helps me to talk about it with people.

jennifer schmitz:

Well, tell us your story, Cliff. Why don't you tell us a little bit of backstory on why you're here and what had occurred with your wife?

cliff yates:

Yeah, we've been together 30 years, and we've been teammates for 30 years. And I don't want to start crying. And I love my wife so much, and we've been so happy. I mean, I you've probably heard this story before because I know there's so many similar stories, but so happy doing things together. She likes to exercise, work out, me too. She likes Broadway shows in New York, me too. So we go to New York once a year during Christmas and we share all these memories. And three stepsons I have that are her kids who are now during this time, they've all rallied around me and shown such love, and they've become my greatest support. But everything I didn't even realize until she did one of my episodes that she had been on uh antidepressants for eight years as a you didn't know, you didn't know she was on well. I did know that she was on them, but I didn't know it was wow, it's been eight years. Oh, yeah, and I never felt any negative things, she's always been very energetic and upbeat. And I want to ask you about this because when I looked at the episode, she's been taking she took uh Prozec, Well Butrin, Lexapro, and now she's on Trentelix. But as opposed to other side effects, she's been manic, mania. So last year I brought that up to her. I said, honey, you're a little it's a little bit manic. And she didn't understand it. She goes, You're saying I'm a maniac. And I go, No, no, no, you're you're a little bit it's too energetic, too really elevated, and you're really focused on you, you bear in on something and you just keep pop, bop, bop, bop. And she goes, Well, talk to my psychiatrist, you know. So I talked to him, and he says, Well, we can try cutting it down in half, and then we did. And then we were at our summer place in a thousand islands. She goes, I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm getting depressed again, Cliff. I can't, I gotta get back on it, you know. Not really realizing at the time it was probably withdrawal symptoms, but of course, everybody they say it's a relapse when it's probably just withdrawal, but I didn't have the education at the time, yeah. So I said, Of course, of course, you get back on them. I gotta do it because it takes four to six weeks to kick in, and now I'm learning from one of the other things.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it happened pretty quick, doesn't it?

cliff yates:

Yeah, yeah. So then last September, she changed medicines, and then things started to change, and then we went on a 15-day cruise, and I went on all the excursions, and we had a group with us, so I checked to make sure I wasn't going crazy, and then I went to three of the shows, and I went to Trivia Night five nights out of the 15, and then one night I did spend in reading, and so we're with my mom in New York, and Alba's recanting the uh the cruise that she goes, Oh, yeah, Cliff ruined the whole trip, he never left the cabin. Well, never left the cabin, and then I I ended up talking to one of her best friends who's now partnered with me on this, and and I remember her saying to me, Cliff, we're gonna go on another cruise and we'll get you out of that cabin. I'm thinking, is she telling people I never left the cabin? She's rewriting history, yes, and then she did agree, but I think she was already doing walk away wife kind of thing. She did agree and she arranged for a therapist online, and so then she says, Oh, and then he gets mad at me and he calls me the C-word. I don't even want to say it right. And so she got the therapist goes, Cliff names are off the table. And I go, Oh, no, I agree, but the last time I said that word, it was 37 years ago. I haven't said it since. And and the therapist told Elba, Alba, we kind of have to move forward. So I mean, she was going back. Yeah, but have you have you experienced the mania? She's very manic.

dr teralyn sell:

I mean, oh, yeah. Well, a lot of times what happens is they'll they'll somebody will become manic from the medication, and then what the prescriber says is, well, this is just bringing out the bipolar disorder that you was underlying, which is all bullshit.

jennifer schmitz:

Yeah, it's it's it was I was actually I was actually just telling a guest recently we had on. I am shocked that I was never diagnosed with bipolar disorder as well. Yeah, it blows my mind because I I could tick every box for for mania or hypomania easily. So so yes, I think it's very, it's very, very common.

dr teralyn sell:

And it it's almost like don't accept a diagnosis of bipolar if you're on psychomeds, and that's what caused mania. Yeah, yeah.

jennifer schmitz:

And there's memory lapse issues that are happening, like there's paranoia, there's legitimate like perceptual things are changing. So your perception of reality is not as is, because the capacity to view and see those things changes from these medications. The other thing, too, as you said this, and I think it's important for our listeners, is it is very important when we differentiate between this is withdrawal and it's not the re-the- the it's manifesting the original disorder. It's actually not, it's withdrawal. We know that because as soon as she goes back on the meds or goes up, pretty quickly that shit kind of goes, it starts to go away a little bit. And that's how you're gonna be.

dr teralyn sell:

How many medications was she on? Yeah, it's different now. Yeah, I got it.

cliff yates:

That's how I was going dip in. Well butrin, LexiPro, now Trentelix.

jennifer schmitz:

She's been withdrawing since the Well Butrin. Yeah, I say wherever this timeline started, that's where the withdrawal started. And every time you switch them out, every time you switch it.

cliff yates:

Oh, and you switch the withdrawal from the other one? Oh, sure. Oh my god. Another thing she bought into, I know this is now I learned, right? Yes, Cliff, you have regular sadness. I've got clinical depression. Oh, right.

jennifer schmitz:

Here we go. Yeah, label.

cliff yates:

Yeah, yeah. I mean, I just and then when I learned, oh my gosh, she bought into that whole thing. And does she realize?

dr teralyn sell:

Does she realize that she's bought into some of this, or is this just your awakening?

cliff yates:

Okay, no, because unfortunately, when she did go off, we we went back to our beautiful beach home and she goes, Cliff, I have everything to be thankful for, my kids, you, a wonderful husband, we're on the beach for our dream home, and I'm still feel like I'm in a pit. And I go, listen, let's try walk on the beach, we're gonna exercise, we got your diet worked out, we can do that. So then we did that, but then she just wanted to stay in and be on the couch all day. But when I would come home, oh hi Han, how was your workout? Very friendly, no mania. Now, unfortunately, during a fight, and we hardly ever fought, I said, and it was wrong to say, I'm very authentic about this, but I said, you know, I liked it better when you were depressed. So, any effort for me to bring up medication, she's gonna think I'm trying to get between her and our medication. I mean, her her own kids have rallied and and contacted her, mom, this version of you, you've built a beautiful life for 30 years. And before you do something permanent, please would you explore your your therapist and and everything else before you, you know, this is not the version of mom we've been we've we've had. And she said, I'm the happiest I've ever been. You know, I don't get involved in your marriage, don't get involved in mine. And it's just um, I mean, it's just so sad. And and and then so they're all like, they can't believe some of these. Now they tell me, Cliff, she's always made some of these bad choices over the past eight years. You just kind of go along to get along with it, sometimes sure, and we change as people, you know.

dr teralyn sell:

Over you've been together for 30 years, of course, there's changes. What you're describing, though, and I don't know if you've ever looked into the work of Peter Bregan and spell being spellbound. This is exactly what Cliff is describing, is exactly the example of watching a loved one who is spellbound by a medication and not being able to cut through the spellbinding because we've been told so many things to be the reality, and so when you are trapped inside of that, it's very hard to get out. From a from a spouse perspective, what is your experience like? What is it, what does this all mean to Cliff?

cliff yates:

It's just heartbreaking. I just because I didn't want, and it was kind of a back and forth, right? It was so I mean you've probably heard this before. I tell people, you know, Alba filed for divorce. What? No, not you guys. You guys are the power couple, you guys. No, you're always post, no, no, no, no. Alba loves you. She went to all your comedy shows and sat through for years. No, I'm gonna talk to her. No, you can't talk to her. You can't I mean, person after person, you know, so it's just been hell because I never, as a matter of fact, I you know, this is an another mistake I I made a couple times. I actually brought that into the argument, like and I said, I want a divorce and during the heated argument, which I didn't mean and took it back. But sometimes the mania, and I didn't even know it was that for a while. You know, it can be like simple as why are you gonna park here? Move over there, don't park there. What if a lady comes out? You don't want to park here, park over there. Do you know how to drive the car? And it's just a bop, bop, bop, you know, and it's like, oh my god, please let me drive a car you're controlling, you know, and then oh, you know, you yelled at me in front of my kid, and then this kind of thing. But I want to ask you something else that's really strange. And you brought it up too in your interview, Jen. So, you know, obviously the sexual libido is low. It's so my wife's been always the best wife in the world and never denied me, or you know, there's loving to be had, she's you know, oh, that's okay, no problem, you know. And so then all of a sudden, when this change started to happen, and we're talking to the therapist, I don't know. Can I swear? I don't find them to say. So my wife very rarely swears. We go right, we go to the same church, guys. We're talking to the therapist, and she goes, Well, I talk to my friends, look at my body. Any man would want to fuck me every day. He wants it once a week. And I'm thinking, I talked to my friends who've been together 30 years, once a week seems normal to me, you know. And so this became I did find in the drawer some hormone application, vaginal application, because this did not make sense to me, this aggression. She came home one day, right? She says, Take your pants down right now, you're gonna fuck me right now. I go, yeah, of course. I so then she's mania. She takes me to her doctor and humiliates me, and I didn't fight back at the time, but I was thinking later, she takes me to her doctor. Look at him, doctor. I married him at 190. Now he's 155. I'm not I didn't sign up for this, I'm not attracted to that. And the doctor's looking at me and he's like, Well, uh, yeah, I mean, he's well muscled.

dr teralyn sell:

I uh doctor's trying to help you out here, like he's not really underweight, but we can kind of have a plan to gain some weight. I mean, but I mean, it was my question is why is that okay? But you can't bring up, you know, since taking these medications, you've changed, but it's okay, it's okay for her to bring that in. That you know, her her brain is so kind of off kilter a little bit that she can bring you in as if you're the problem. And and this is the interesting part because Cliff, I'm gonna bring this in because I was I was the medicated spouse, I was the medicated spouse, and I did the same shit. Oh, by the way. Okay, okay, I did the same things, like everything, nothing was my fault or my problem. It was all my husband's, it was him. If only he would change, if only he would do something different. I had little attraction to him during that time, but I blamed him for every little thing. Yeah, and if he were to bring it up to me, I'd be like, see, again, you're being critical towards me. Like, yeah, the interpretation is always against was always against me, but I could bring up his shortcomings in my perceived world, right? His shortcomings were fair game, but mine weren't, absolutely not. Are you kidding me? Don't bring up my I I'm working on myself, you know, I'm medicated, I'm doing these things, right? You're not, you're not trying, right? Right.

cliff yates:

You know, I we have a summer place in a thousand islands. So when I left, that's when she laid this on me, and she said, and I go, Listen, honey, uh, the spirit in me tells me to fight for this marriage. And she goes, Well, you should. You should. Okay, that's by yourself, you're gonna fight alone. Yeah, so then on the way up to the thing, she's going, I know there's no marriage, I don't want to be married anymore. Well, well, honey, let's go to the church counselor and we'll talk and get counseling. No, she goes, let's talk about dividing assets. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So then two days later, she sends me pictures because we had she had gone back and forth about selling the con, don't go to her house. She sends me pictures on the wall of our wedding. She goes, I put our marriage pictures back on the wall. I thought it was time we're still teammates. Oh, honey, that is so good, honey. Oh, that's so good. Three days later, no, I don't want to be married anymore. I think, well, what about the what about together we're teammates? I I didn't want you to be sad. That's why I did that.

jennifer schmitz:

So and how how easily that could be like a bipolar symptom, yeah, right? Like when you're talking about the yes, like the impulsivity, the hyperfixation, then it goes away quite.

dr teralyn sell:

Also, I think about the borderline, right? So cle like I love you, I hate you, but please don't leave me, but get back here, get out of my life, that kind of all of that, too, could have also been misinterpreted in that way. Right.

jennifer schmitz:

And so you you've got like clinicians in the background going, oh, that's borderline personality disorder. Oh, that's that's bipolar disorder. Oh, that like, and here it all really truly can stem from the uh SSRI use, and there was repeated SSRIs, right, in the in the history.

cliff yates:

Now, if I thought this was a marriage problem, but January, she goes visits my middle stepson, and now she's yelling at his wife, you know what? You don't keep a good house. Look at the way you treat these kids. This is borderline uh child abuse. My stepson had to take her outside. Listen, you're you're bullying us, and we're not you can't stay here if you're gonna be that way. So I'm it's not just a marriage thing, it's these relationships. You know, her business partner fell out. That's why I'm in the townhome now that we both own. I just moved over here. That's why I'm not my regular studio. And then she comes to the thousand islands in July, and because she had planned a birthday party for my mom, who's turning 90, and she paid for all the kids and the grandkids to come. And I'm like, Why are you coming forward with you want a divorce, but you you're coming to the island to spend so then I said, Well, I'm gonna use it as an opportunity for proximity. And my mom's like, Why is she doing this? She never even asked me if who I wanted to invite. I do, I don't want at the damn party, anyways. So she spent two weeks, and I I had heard something a friend said, so I just showed love to her, no matter what. She had trouble with the kids, you know, because they don't like the situation. So I just was supporting no matter what, I said, Hey, listen, whatever's going on, I'm your husband today, so I love you, and I'm I'm here to support you. Well, but you need to get a lawyer and protect yourself. Okay, and so there was never a confrontation, and then I even took her to the airport ahead of time because she got frustrated, and then I hugged her at the airport, she talked the whole way to me. Just because I hug you goodbye doesn't mean there's any chance of us getting back together. Of course, not, of course. And then my friend calls me two days later, Cliff. I think there's a breakthrough, our mutual friend. I just called her. She's at the airport, she's in the lounge weeping and crying. And I said, Albert, you're doing the wrong thing. You're walking away from the sparish. Why are you doing this? You know you're making the wrong decision. Yes, I know you're right, you're right. And then she gets back to Florida, and me and the stepson arrive two days later. She's not in the condo, she's at a hotel. I'm in a hotel down the street because I don't know, you've been acting a little crazy because of your postings. I, you know, I posted some pictures to the years of me and her together. So we just spent two weeks together, and then she's down the street now because I guess she didn't want to be with me.

dr teralyn sell:

And I mean, this all these I could dump so much on you, but it's just well, I'm I'm also thinking about the okay, so the group that we noticed you in was I think it was the marriages ruined by destroyed by SSRI. Yeah, destroyed by SSRI. That's how I found you guys. Yeah, yes. So I would encourage anybody if you're in this, go to that Facebook website or Facebook group, it's a good one. But there's also some posts on this is what it makes me believe. Like, some people are like, Well, but your marriage was already in peril. No, no, no, do you follow what I'm saying? Like, there's people that write that in there when when spouses so much in pain, and then it is what well, you're just not taking your own inventory, you're just not looking at it, you know. You're not this is why this is happening because you haven't acknowledged her pain in 30 years, you know, and you're like, but there wasn't pain to acknowledge, at least that you know everything but the drug, right? Everything but everything but the drug because this is one of those things, the drug is good, right? Yeah, because the drug is treatment. How dare you resist the treatment?

cliff yates:

That's right, right? You take accederine for your headaches, Cliff. This is just I have a condition, I'm taking medicine for my friend told me why suffer there's medicine for that, Alba. And she's right, and as soon as I took it, it's like the sun came out.

jennifer schmitz:

And what cliff? If I can ask to please anything, do you know what were you there with her the very first time she started taking one of these antidepressants, whichever one came first? Were you part of her life during that time?

cliff yates:

Yeah, 2017. We've been together since 95.

jennifer schmitz:

Yeah, okay, okay, 2017. Why what was going on that she started taking an antidepressant?

cliff yates:

Metapausal depression. She said it wasn't uh menopause, hormonal issues for 30 years. She's had menopause.

dr teralyn sell:

Yes, I no, but I mean, do you know how many women are medicated for psych meds for menopause? It's very common. Crazy.

cliff yates:

So I I told you the history of the week spending the summer together, so never an argument, even since May, nothing, right? You know what I the makes me cry is to think I see February, Valentine's Day. She's posting a picture. This is why I love my husband. He's so supportive. He know, and I have this happen. So all this went on to the island, all supportive. And then my the mutual girlfriend, her best friend, calls her and says, Cliff, no, Alba, Cliff's being very reasonable. Reasonable, you don't know that son of a bitch. She's a narcissist, and she hung up on her. Who's feeding her this narcissist?

dr teralyn sell:

Well, you have to be. You were a part of the sheriff's department, Cliff. So wasn't she? Yeah, she was definitely interesting. Okay, yeah, interesting. Well, that whole narcissist thing is a whole different episode, by the way.

jennifer schmitz:

Yeah, yeah. But but it's just it's very again, perception of reality really shifts and changes. These psychiatric medications, there's there's a lot of like bigger names of individuals out there, like Laurel Delano, for example. Oh, I loved her episode, yeah. In her book and in the episodes that she puts out, she talks about like the actual innate personality, the person changing. Yeah. And and and what what you're describing is is is very, I think, indicative is a great example, right, of what that is, and putting examples into those words where the actual spirit of her and who she was, and how she how she sees the world, it changes how you see the world. Like not only are you losing higher order thinking and like true, like crisp cognitive functioning, but you're also changing how hormones are regulated in the body. You're changing gray matter in the brain. We're changing how the hippocampus and the amygdala, our emotion centers are working. And so you mix all of this cocktail up and you have somebody who starts to question their reality all the time and is perceiving reality in a very distorted fashion.

dr teralyn sell:

Um I wait, I hold on. I don't think there's any questioning of reality. I think other people question their reality. I don't, I never question my own reality.

jennifer schmitz:

Oh, the patient themselves, yeah, yeah. No, I didn't either. Oh my goodness. Yeah. Oh, I never my reality was my reality. If I thought that my husband was doing something wrong, he was doing something wrong.

cliff yates:

If I thought my wife, so never lied a day in her life. There's no never trust issues, never people would tell Alba, Oh, your husband lets you travel. Of course, you know, because I only like to travel. I'll I said I'll go on two to three long trips a year because she this is her and he lied to me. He told me 30 years ago he would travel the world with me. Now he doesn't want to travel. And I go, Wait, no, I want to travel, but you know, since January he went to Brazil, Machu Picchu, Indonesia, and now you're in Colombia. I don't want to go on a plane every two months. You'd be happy just sitting here on the beach. Well, I mean, I do like our beach home. I mean, we worked to get that. So I do like it here. She never lied. And and you guys, you can't believe this. My stepson, who doesn't want the youngest one there, doesn't like to get involved. He goes, Cliff, did you know mom put one of the rooms in the beach house on Airbnb? We're worried about our safety. No, she can't do that. I called my realtor, she can't no, so I found it. Stay with Elva, $300 for the night. So I took a screenshot and I sent it to her. And I said, Hon, you cannot put one of our rooms up for Airbnb without my permission, and it's against the HOA. You just can't do that. And she sends back, I didn't. I go, I sent you the screenshot of the listing. Oh, it was just a thought. Well, it's more than a thought, it's on the website. I just took it down. She never lied a day in her life. I can't, but it's just terrible.

dr teralyn sell:

I mean, but this is this is there was research on this on the impulsivity and all of that type of thing, like just a change in behavior, a change in how you think. There's research on this, and so even again, I go back to that Facebook group, the amount of affairs and the amount of that type of thing that happens within the relationships of the person who's medicated, wouldn't they?

cliff yates:

Not saying that all was doing that, but I'm just I suspect that, but there's been no evidence. Family tells me no, I I pushed her on it. Best friend jumped out of no, I wouldn't because I'm married. I haven't seen evidence from neighbors or anything else, but it just doesn't make sense. So now I suspect it because she she's not grieving this relationship at all. Yeah, she can't, she she actually can't. Like oh, okay, okay.

jennifer schmitz:

Yeah, so you're right. You're you're you're right when you're saying I I don't see that happening, right? It's because she can't. I I really do firmly believe that like all the grief that happens has to occur when you're not medicated. When you're not in your body, and you have to go back and you're gonna have to figure out what that looks and feels like because you you actually can't get to some of those those true emotional states. That the brain does not let the body actually get there. So you see this like emotional coldness, right? Or you see like the average person is gonna, they're gonna have tears, they're gonna have sadness, they're gonna want to talk through this, they're gonna be confused, they're gonna be bargaining with God, they're gonna be wanting to change the like that's your average like person and what they would do when you're medicated. You you you can't actually feel that you can't go there. It's impossible.

dr teralyn sell:

There was two, there was there was two things for me. I'm I'm kind of thinking back. Uh two things. I did ask my husband for a divorce. Thankfully, he said no. Like, thankfully, that wasn't a thing. But I remember thinking that that would solve all my problems. I wasn't sad about it, I wasn't anything. I was like, I just need to be alone. That's what I felt. Like I needed to be alone. And I because I was like so disgruntled, so like gross, like I was just like, and now I think like isolating, like the only way that I could isolate and be by my gross self was to get rid of him, like to separate myself from him, and you know, the kids and everything I know, I just wanted to be alone. And the divorce was kind of a relief that nobody had to pressure me anymore, right? I didn't have to be pressured by this relationship or anything else. I could just be my miserable self by myself.

cliff yates:

She uh I took her to a date night before I left, she agreed to it. And so then I found like papers, you know, like finances. And I go, Hey, listen, don't file for divorce. We've been together 30 years, we can work together, we could go to mediation, we can do that. And she goes, you know what? You're right, we've been together 30 years. Yeah, uh, we can do that. So we're too close. Okay, but let's not, and then on the way out, she goes, But you know what, you're gonna find you're a wonderful person. You got the comedy, you're wonderful, you're gonna find somebody. No, no, but I don't want that, I want to stay married, you know. I understand, but you got to move on. And and so then a few days later, she filed for divorce. And so here she said she wasn't gonna file for divorce, then she filed for divorce, and so yeah, I forgot I was going somewhere else too. That what she did.

dr teralyn sell:

Well, thankfully, I had no idea how to file for divorce. This was way back in the time where you couldn't do it online. Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it was a little bit more sticky during that time. Yeah, yeah, gotcha.

jennifer schmitz:

Cliff, tell us a little bit about uh just for you. How are you surviving this?

cliff yates:

It was really tough, so I gotta stay. I'm at our island place, all I see is our marriage pictures, yeah, every memory. I see every memory in this island. She made this island home, everything hers. It's got her name on it, everything else. And now she's totally detached from those memories. While she was out there, she slept in that bed. I thought she's gonna see all her decorations, and no, it it mean it means nothing. So I was I got up there amazed, I was kind of stuck in the cottage alone, and uh and so I was in really bad despair just because I get very emotional. You know, that was part of her blunting because we'd be watching a movie and I'd be crying. She goes, Oh, you're crying during this. I can't even cry. Of course not, because you blunted emotionally, you you know, I didn't know at the time, but yeah. So that's oh my god. I just been, you know, we go to the same church, and you know, my my friend says, Cliff, I don't know how I can keep her on as a volunteer. I mean, she waves her arms and she's worshiping, and then she's going through the divorce. It's not, I don't know. A lot of things will line up. They don't line up at all. So yeah, oh my God. I've just been, I'm having really I've been having a lot of trouble. I've been doing a lot better lately. But still, you know, when you're you're still in love with that person, you haven't changed, nothing has happened. You know, people used to say, you guys don't even fight, or you know, people are like pushed back. If you guys get divorced, what about us? You know, yeah. So I oh my goodness, I just have nowhere to go now, except for, you know, of course, I hope and I pray, and then I almost hope for uh, you know, like for her to hit rock bottom and and want to get off the medicine. I that's really what I hope for. So when my friend calls her, and she's in these trying things, I go, well, maybe she's gonna realize she's got to get off this medication.

dr teralyn sell:

As long as she has a willing prescriber that'll keep testing her outright, exactly. I unless she wakes up on her own, right, Jen. Like, I feel like as long as there's a prescriber going, well, we can fix this with this or that or whatever, it's gonna be tough, you know.

cliff yates:

So she uh yeah, she loves this psychiatrist. Oh, I got a great psychiatrist now, she's Latina like me, and then we talk, and then you know what? Then I hear about her family. By the time the time's up, she goes, Oh, we didn't even talk about you, and then we take five minutes to talk about me, you know. But oh my god, we laugh and have a good time, you know.

jennifer schmitz:

It's like you know, it's like a dope dealer, right? I mean, you've got such a great relationship with that drug dealer, and they're yeah, they're a good guy. You're gonna keep they're gonna keep dealing, even though that's yeah, that dealer is nobody.

cliff yates:

Her best friend, who's now she's been lying to, and that's her only true friend, and then she's been yelling at her and hanging up on her. I mean, we want to do a podcast today. We not today, but in the future. We're talking about a nation over medicated or something like that. I want to join this fight. What can I do? Because I got to get involved in this. People don't even know anything about these SSRIs. And you guys know, right? I start I start relating to people like a gal that's on the next island over. Well, you know, Cliff, I'm on antidepressants too. Oh, okay.

dr teralyn sell:

Everybody you talk to is one in five women, one in five women are on antidepressants. Yeah, it's probably one in four now. Yeah, they say it's one in three for age sixty.

jennifer schmitz:

Yeah, you're you're 75%. You put 10 people in a room, you know, there's seven to seven to eight of them will be medicated.

dr teralyn sell:

Yeah, and you wonder why things like they call it silver divorce is on the rise. So divorce over the age of what 50, 55 is on the rise. Well, also the group of people, men and women alike, that are medicated is also on the rise in that age category. So you got a couple numbed out people, you know, on these medications, and they're wanting a divorce because they can't feel anything anymore, right? And it's the other person's fault.

cliff yates:

Her friend is telling her, Cliff lets you do anything you want. You guys have why would you he'll do why would you leave that? You're gonna find somebody who's gonna give you this freedom, and there's you guys, oh my god, it's just but of course I I heard Kim's story and I thought, well, I don't have that anyways, but I'm what the hell, you know. But I mean, uh, so I know what it would have bothered me, guys, because my podcast is motivation, inspiration, positivity. Alban and I both went to Tony Robbins, so despair and feeling depressed is not my identity, so to say you're a comedian, Cliff.

jennifer schmitz:

Yeah, you've you've got resiliency factors built into your blood, so they are gonna save you. That shit will say it will save you. Like when you go back to those things, because it is that's to the ability to be lighthearted and to bring some lightheartedness to a shit circumstance. Yes, you're kind of an expert in that.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, okay. Like I love you guys, I love you guys.

jennifer schmitz:

Like, like, I mean, really truly, and I I can only imagine all those years, um, 35 years as as a as a veteran uh cop here in LA, right?

cliff yates:

Okay, like how 45, yeah.

jennifer schmitz:

Right, like how that is a superpower when it comes to being able to see something at face value, yeah, and being able to go, I've got to be in solution with this then. Yeah, I I have to be, right? I mean, that to not be in solution wasn't an option for you when you were in that role. Right. You couldn't sit back and just go, well, we'll just fucking let shit happen and open my eyes. I'm just gonna let it go. Yeah, we'll let that robbery happen. I'm gonna let that guy in that accident happen.

dr teralyn sell:

And yeah, you don't which by the way, like if we think about it from a chronic illness perspective, if your wife had a chronic illness, you wouldn't just let her go.

cliff yates:

No, that's right.

dr teralyn sell:

That's why I look at it.

cliff yates:

That's why I haven't really I haven't gotten angry with her because I see it broken. She's not well, she's she's not well because I know damn well she was off this medication, she would work so how do I go from being Mr. Wonderful, the best husband in the world, and she's my cherub, to you know, I want a divorce, and you should get protection, get a look.

jennifer schmitz:

So that leads me to a uh a question I have, Cliff. Um please. How for you as the the spouse who's going through this, how long did it take before you started to like recognize that this actually could be from the psychiatric medication? Because I'm assuming there was a period of time where that wasn't there, and there was probably a lot of like, what am I doing wrong? Self-blame, did I bring this on?

cliff yates:

No, right away right away. I kind of right away because I knew a little bit. I, you know, when I learned something, I immerse myself in it. So I looked, did a little research. So when she started like like trying to pick fights, it seemed like, What? What happened? She goes, You're gonna go with me to the Italian American club and meet some people. And so I meet a guy, and we play bocce ball every Friday. And I go, I love bocce, I'll play with you, you know. And then she he tells my wife, uh, he's gonna play with me. Oh, that's good. As soon as we leave the place, we walk out. Why are you lying to that guy? You're not gonna play bocce, you play tennis. Why are you being a liar? I go, no, no, I I I played as a kid, I I like bocce ball. No, you're lying, you never played it. That ain't right again. So then, and then she started touching me, and then, like, oh, are you getting upset right now? Are you getting upset? I think she wanted a reaction at that time.

jennifer schmitz:

Right. So that happened early on, you're saying, yeah, that's really early on, like May before she well.

cliff yates:

So yeah, I I told you about that the story, the party, how she came to the island in July and did all this. So I finally get an attorney. My attorney goes, Oh, that's interesting. She filed for divorce on May 16th. I guess she didn't want to serve you until after the party at the island. Oh yeah.

jennifer schmitz:

Okay. So so when you go back eight years, okay, when you go back, how long did it take you to start to piece this together? Like, was she on medications for years and you were noticing things happening, but it didn't all click?

cliff yates:

And I didn't because she's always very vivacious and loud, and you know, and I didn't notice anything back then. It was all it made sense to me. But lately, it's been like lately, so we go to the bank on something, and then wait, I I think she's uh she's talking down to this bank lady in a real negative way, and I'm gonna stay silent because I gotta I gotta support my wife. Maybe I'm not seeing it right, and then all of a sudden the lady goes, Listen, I'm not gonna continue with this if you're gonna talk to me that way, we're done. And then I realized, oh shit, I'm right. So this kept happening with different things, like in the grocery store, or somebody I know we're coming to the end, but uh somebody hadn't opened the car door, supposedly at our Honda. I didn't see any. A week later, we're at the grocery store, and she goes, There's that guy's truck. Oh, if I see that motherfucker inside, I'm gonna get in his face and go, Hey, wait a minute. Oh, you don't have my back? No, I got your back, but let's not confront a guy in the store, right? Not like that.

unknown:

Yeah, exactly.

cliff yates:

That's not my wife talking, guys. She doesn't talk that way.

dr teralyn sell:

She's yeah, I know. Well, I would imagine, I mean, her training in the sheriff's department would wouldn't been non-confrontational, like you're not gonna start shit, you know, against all the learning, exactly, yeah, yeah, that you're actually conditioned to not do that, and so here you see the complete opposite coming out of something.

cliff yates:

So I didn't see that until these signs came before that, 17 through 20 something. Although the impulsivity was Cliff, we can never move to Florida because of the grandkids. I understand totally. Now we're vacationing here in 2020, then COVID happens. Oh, that I was born in Cuba. That's communism. I can't go back to California. What? Well, we got to look for a place right now. And I go, wait, wait, wait, wait. You're the one that wanted to move here, Cliff. Are you are you balking at this? Oh no, let's look for a place. And so we saw one place, put an offer in, and uh within 60 days we were in Florida. So wow, I thought that's what I wanted, but you know, right, it all went a little rapidly. That's what I thought. She goes, Oh my god, Cliff hesitated. This is what he wanted. I couldn't understand it.

jennifer schmitz:

Cliff, did you go through times where you thought this was a you issue as the spouse?

cliff yates:

Like there was sometimes I thought I could do more, maybe I can do more, you know. Yeah, but yeah, most of the time, I'm telling you guys, we had a great marriage, we loved our life. So the impulsity, she's like, Let's go get a house because the beach, and then like, okay, no, you know what? How can we leave this view? Okay, and so that would go back and forth, but then you know, we would hug it out and say, Aren't we blessed to have this place? Yes.

jennifer schmitz:

So talk about like, but here's here's the thing that I I I think you that I think is like, here's the therapist coming out in me. Please, I need it. It's like a little therapy session. No, but I think this is important. It was like, because a lot of times when we talk to a spouse of someone who has gone through this, they spend a significant amount of time blaming themselves. Like and they they're years of going through like couples therapy and counseling and I individual therapy. I've got to change something. I that I know something's going on with her, but it must be me. I've got to, I have to change. Or I can fix this, or I can fix it. Big like like task, right? This this burden that's theirs. And I'm not, I mean, you said that there are some times where you felt this, but but overall, it's like the detective part of you was this doesn't add up. This doesn't add up. This doesn't make sense. And you put started to put timelines together, right? And then you started to research, and then you started to see all these things. So it's like a freaking again, it's the superpower that saved you a little bit, I think, because most spouses spend a significant amount of time. There's an affair, they stay together. That spouse spends years going, I'm not lovable, she doesn't find me attractive. What am I doing wrong? That's like, and there they don't, they can't see the other side of this, which is the psychiatric medication piece. And you found that pretty damn early because you your your reasoning kicked in, your investigatory skills kicked in. It's like, no, this doesn't add up. This doesn't add up, it's not logical. And so I actually think that that's probably another superpower you've got going on here because most people that they don't have the luxury of that. Yeah, it's a them issue, you know. Yeah, yeah, and you know, yeah, not not to put not to put a lot of stock in, yay, we figured it out, yeah, but truly you you can kind of sit in the idea of I know where this is coming from.

cliff yates:

No, I take a little solace in that. Yeah, as a matter of fact, when I was thinking, oh my god, I could travel more and everything. So my stepson, her son, you know, is saying, Cliff, uh, if one person changes, what what good is that if you're willing to you're the one willing to do everything and she's not? I I know, I know, Shane, but I want this marriage to work. I'm willing to do whatever we need to do, and you know, you don't work 30 years to this is the time you've worked to yes get retired and enjoy life, not to start over at 68 and right, yeah. You know, it's just devastating to me, you know.

dr teralyn sell:

And I yeah, how does your comedy come into play here?

cliff yates:

Yeah, well, I haven't been doing stand-up since 2020. I've been doing the podcast and writing and doing stuff like that. I play tennis and do things like that, but I did go to an improv class I started the other day, which was really the guys that the teacher was like, I mean, it was really like focus and awareness and being connected to with somebody when you're interacting that you can take out into the real world. And I actually I felt like I really was gaining some tools from that session, you know.

dr teralyn sell:

Yeah, yeah. I I want to encourage you in all this because it's easy to get lost in your spouse and trying to solve their problem, their issue. I just want to encourage you to get back to you. And I think if anyone's listening and they have a spouse that's going through this, making sure that you are focusing on yourself as a whole human as well, because you can easily lose yourself in the the wild ride and the sauce of all of this, right? So getting back into your humor because that is healing, humor's healing, and you need to heal yourself too. Yeah, you're you know, it's it's not all about her, it's it's also so much about you.

cliff yates:

So yeah, so Cliff, is there as we wrap up here, is there any last messages that you'd like to say to those listeners that have well, just like like in talking to you, you know, for some reason, talking about it and sharing, but then you know, I don't want to burn out my friends, it does help, you know, just to tell somebody this is actually going on, and so I think it's important. And if you find that you know, marriage is destroyed by antidepressants, you realize the posts are are they describing what just happened to me or my sex? And you realize, oh my god, I'm not there's thousands of people that are in that garden. Yes, but I mean, we're kind of secondary. I hate to be victim of anything, I'm never the victim, but you know, they're really the victims of this industry, this psychiatric industry. And I mean, we got to get involved, you have to get involved in this stuff. And uh, I mean, I'm gonna be the uh accidental activist now in this in this fight because it's not it's tragic, it's it's it's an epidemic.

dr teralyn sell:

It is, we're here for you. So you I think you had said, How do I get involved? And I'm like, Well, you're in the right place to get involved here, if your story is involved.

cliff yates:

Thank you guys, thank you guys. Yes, you guys are so courageous to do that instead. I mean, the because I know you guys get piled on. The industry is not set up to be to you know, you're going against the grain. And you both speak from experience, so someone who's already been through that, and that's you know, that's the voice that really carries the most weight.

dr teralyn sell:

Yes, it is. Yes, it is. Well, thank you for bringing your story. I know that it's it's much needed, especially this perspective. So thanks for answering the call. And if you've listened to us so far, please like, comment, subscribe, give us all five stars. If you don't do five, don't do any. All right, so five only. And feel free to send us your Gaslet Truth stories at the Gaslet Truth Podcast at gmail.com.

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Dr. Teralyn Sell

Co-host
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Jennifer Schmitz

Co-host
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Cliff Yates

Guest
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Dr. Teralyn Sell

Guest
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Jennifer Schmitz

Guest