Dose of Dignity: Self-Compassion - What is it good for and how do you develop it?

Self-compassion is being open to and moved by one's own suffering, experiencing feelings of caring and kindness towards oneself, and taking an understanding, non-judgmental attitude towards one's inadequacies and failures.

Self-compassion has three main components: self-kindness, recognizing our common humanity, and mindfulness. It reduces stress, anxiety, and depression, improves emotional resilience and coping skills, enhances motivation and personal growth, promotes healthier behaviors and well-being, and provides a more stable sense of worth. It increases our capacity for compassion towards others, improves relationship quality, reduces burnout, and enhances the ability to take responsibility for our mistakes and repair relationships.

In this episode, Jennifer describes practices to develop self-compassion, responds to objections people may have with the word self-compassion, and shares a meditation listeners might find helpful for themselves or others.
 
Resources

• Center for Mindful Self-Compassion
• Online self-compassion course
• Self-Compassion: Theory, Method, Research, and Intervention
• What is compassion and how can we measure it? A review of definitions and measures
• The influence of self-compassion on emotional well-being among early and older adolescent males and females
• Self-Compassion, a poem by James Crews

Key Takeaways

Self-compassion

• involves treating ourselves with kindness, understanding, and acceptance.
• has three main components: self-kindness, recognizing our common humanity, and mindfulness.
• reduces stress, anxiety, and depression, improves emotional resilience and coping skills, enhances motivation and personal growth, promotes healthier behaviors and well-being, and provides a more stable sense of worth.
• increases our capacity for compassion towards others, improves relationship quality and support for others, reduces burnout, and enhances the ability to take responsibility for our mistakes and repair relationships.
• involves self-kindness, recogn

Exploring what it means to live and lead with dignity at work, in our families, in our communities, and in the world. What is dignity? How can we honor the dignity of others? And how can we repair and reclaim our dignity after harm? Tune in to hear stories about violations of dignity and ways in which we heal, forgive, and make choices about how we show up in a chaotic and fractured world. Hosted by physician and coach Jennifer Griggs.

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Transcript

Intro

Welcome to The Dignity Lab. Today’s episode is a dose of dignity on self-compassion.

What do we mean when we refer to self-compassion? What are some misconceptions about self-compassion? What is it actually good for? And how do we go about fostering self-compassion in ourselves and in those we love and those we lead? 

Before I start, I want to remind you that your dignity is your inherent worth or value. You have dignity from the moment you are born, just as you are. No one has more or less dignity than another.

Kristin Neff, one of the leaders in self-compassion research, has defined self-compassion as “being open to and moved by one's own suffering, experiencing feelings of caring and kindness toward oneself, taking an understanding, non-judgmental attitude toward one's inadequacies and failures, and recognizing that one's experience is part of the common human experience.” 

When we talk about self-compassion, we mean treating oneself with kindness, understanding, and acceptance, especially during difficult times or when facing personal shortcomings. 

Self-compassion is conceptualized as having three main components. 

The first is self-kindness, which means we hold ourselves gently and with understanding rather than harshly and critically. How do you talk to yourself? Do you berate yourself with shaming statements or interrogate yourself as if you were a prosecutor? 

Do any of these sound familiar? What is wrong with me? I am an idiot! I’m so stupid. Would you talk to a friend, a coworker, a child this way? 

The second component is recognizing our common humanity, understanding that mistakes and failure are part of the shared human experience, part of our being gloriously flawed. Recognizing that suffering is a part of life and that no one is alone in suffering.

The third is mindfulness, which means being aware of one's present moment experiences without over-identifying with, becoming too attached, or pushing away difficult thoughts or emotions.

Why develop self-compassion?

Cultivating self-compassion allows us to respond to our inner critic, to manage perfectionism, and to respond to setbacks. By learning to treat ourselves with kindness and understanding, we develop the capacity to extend that compassion to others, fostering stronger connections, greater empathy, and a more compassionate society. It is worth mentioning that some people who have little or no self-compassion have great compassion for others. 

To go into a little more detail, self-compassion has been shown to have benefits both for ourselves and for others.

For ourselves, self-compassion has been shown to reduce stress, anxiety, and depression, to improve emotional resilience and coping skills, to enhance motivation and personal growth, to promote healthier behaviors and long-term well-being, and to provide a more stable sense of self-worth over time. 

What about for those around us? Self-compassion, although not required for other-focused compassion, increases our capacity for compassion towards others, improves relationship quality and support for others, reduces burnout in professions that involve providing care to others, and it enhances ability to take responsibility for mistakes and repair relationships.

It’s worth clarifying what self-compassion is not, addressing some misconceptions about self-compassion. 

Self-compassion is not self-pity or feeling sorry for oneself. After all, the recognition that suffering is part of being human does the opposite. It is not self-indulgence or taking the easy way out. Self-compassion does not mean we are selfish or neglectful of others' needs.

It does not make us weak or vulnerable. It can actually make us stronger and more resilient by helping us sit with difficult emotions. 

What gets in the way of our developing self-compassion? A few things can, like fear of becoming lazy or falling behind. We may believe that self-criticism is necessary for success. Perhaps criticism is all we’re accustomed to. Many of us fear that self-compassion will make us less compelled to work hard, less likely to put our nose to the grindstone and press on. If this sounds like you, you may be surprised to hear that self-compassion increases motivation rather than decreasing it. Just the word “self-compassion” may make us fear we’re being selfish. We may live in the shade of the perfectionism tree where every imperfection brings on harsh self talk. We may have forgotten, or perhaps never known, what compassion looks like and feels like. All of these things can raise objections within us to the idea of developing self-compassion.

But if I’ve persuaded you that self-compassion is worth developing, here are some ways you can get started…or continue developing…or help another person.

The first is to practice self-kindness, which is often manifest through kind self-talk. When you find yourself silently, or not so silently, berating yourself, try “You’re doing your best.” I have found one of the most useful things is to validate your own emotions. “Of course you’re upset” or “Of course you feel shame.”

The second thing is to remind yourself that you are part of a common humanity. Notice shared experiences with others and acknowledge that everyone struggles. Recognize that your struggles are shared by many others. You are not alone. You are unique, but your struggles are not.

The third is to practice mindfulness. Develop an awareness of your thoughts and emotions without judgment. See if you can sit with those emotions, neither over-identifying with them or pushing them away, suppressing them. 

Here are some other things that may help.

Practice physical self-soothing by placing a hand over your heart or really anywhere on your body that might be helpful. Connect with the warmth of your hand. This is especially helpful when you are facing difficult emotions, such as after you’ve made a mistake, lost your cool, or otherwise been overwhelmed.

Cultivate a growth mindset. A growth mindset will help you see setbacks as opportunities for learning and improvement rather than personal failures.

Self-compassion meditations are one way to develop self-compassion. If you want to try a short meditation, we’ve included one in this episode, right after the credits. The resources page of our website, thedignitylab.com, has other meditations you may want to try as well. 

There are also online programs that can help you grow self-compassion. We have additional resources in the show notes for this episode.

Do you have someone in mind now that you’ve listened to this episode? Consider sharing this episode with them today.

Remember that you are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. 

Thank you for listening, and we’ll see you next time.

OUTTRO

This practice is called a self-compassion break and it's something you can do anytime during the day or at night when you need a little self-compassion.

Start by getting into a comfortable seated position. Feel your body connect to the chair, the cushion or the floor, sitting upright but not too taut.

If you feel comfortable doing so, you can close your eyes, and if you’d rather keep them open, try to make your gaze soft.

Take a moment to notice your breathing. Notice where you feel your breath. Perhaps you feel your breath where the air goes in and out through your nose. Perhaps you notice it most in your chest. Perhaps you notice it more in your belly. Notice without judging or trying to change anything.

So to practice this exercise, we need to call to mind a situation in your life right now that is difficult for you. Maybe you're feeling stressed or you're having a relationship problem or you're worried about something that might happen or you feel bad about something that has happened.

I'd invite you to think of something that is difficult, but not overwhelmingly difficult, especially if you're new to practicing self-compassion.

So finding a situation and getting in touch with it, what's going on, what happened, or what might happen, who said what, really bring the situation to life in your mind's eye.

Then I'm going to be saying a series of phrases that you can repeat to yourself.

The first phrase is that this is a moment of suffering, something that is threatening the intactness of your being. We're bringing mindful awareness to the fact that suffering is present. And I'd invite you to find some language that speaks to you. Something like, “This is really hard right now.” Or, “I'm really struggling”. We're actually turning toward our difficulty, acknowledging it and naming it. This is a moment of suffering.

The second phrase is that suffering is a part of life. We're reminding ourselves of our common humanity. Suffering is a part of life. And again, finding language that speaks to you, it may be something like, “It's not abnormal to feel this way.” “Many people are going through similar situations.” The degree of suffering may be different, the flavor of suffering may be different, but suffering is a part of life, part of our being human.

And the third phrase is, “May I be kind to myself in this moment.” And to support bringing kindness to yourself, I'd invite you to perhaps put your hands over your heart or your hands on your knees, someplace that feels soothing and comforting, feeling the warmth of your hands, the gentle touch, letting those feelings of care stream through your fingers. May I be kind to myself. And using any words that support that sense of kindness, perhaps words you would use with a good friend you care about who is going through a difficult situation. It may be something like, I'm here for you. I care about you.

You can even try using a sweet name for yourself if that feels comfortable. Something like darling, honey, or sweetheart. “I'm so sorry, darling.”  “I'm so sorry that you're going through this.” Or you can try calling yourself by your first name. Anything that feels natural to express your deep wish that you be well and free from suffering.

And then as you let go of the practice, notice how your body feels right now, allowing any sensations to be just as they are, allowing yourself to be just as you are.

If your eyes have been closed, you can open them, making subtle movements in the body, and then continuing with the activities of your day, or night, or evening.