Dose of Dignity: Gossiping with Dignity

This episode of The Dignity Lab explores the evolution and significance of gossip, from its origins as a term for spiritual kinship to its modern social functions. We explain the ways in which gossip can serve positive purposes like social bonding and norm enforcement while also examining when it becomes harmful through practices like case-building.

Book Recommendation:

• Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind by Yuval Noah Harari

Takeaways:

• The word "gossip" originated from "godsibb" (god + sibling), initially referring to spiritual kinship and close friendships before becoming associated with idle talk
• Gossip serves evolutionary and social purposes, helping humans share information, enforce social norms, and build larger group cooperation
• When gossiping, people often seek answers to unspoken questions like "Is what this person did okay?" and "Am I okay?" while trying to meet basic needs for validation and understanding
• Case-building, a form of repetitive negative gossip about someone who has wronged us, can be destructive and keep us stuck in negative patterns
• Body awareness and self-reflection can help determine whether gossip is serving a productive purpose or becoming harmful to ourselves and other
• Leaders have a responsibility to enforce a culture of dignity

Exploring what it means to live and lead with dignity at work, in our families, in our communities, and in the world. What is dignity? How can we honor the dignity of others? And how can we repair and reclaim our dignity after harm? Tune in to hear stories about violations of dignity and ways in which we heal, forgive, and make choices about how we show up in a chaotic and fractured world. Hosted by physician and coach Jennifer Griggs.

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Transcript

Intro

Welcome to The Dignity Lab. Today’s episode is a dose of dignity about gossiping with dignity. What is gossip? What is it good for? What are we really doing when we gossip? How do we know when gossip tips from its main strategy, to connect with each other, into depreciative and undignified talk? How do we gossip with dignity?

I’ll start with an explanation of what gossip actually is and, even before that, the origin of the word.

The word gossip originated before the twelfth century from the Old English "godsibb," that is, god + sibb, or sibling. The original meaning was a godparent, a spiritual sponsor such as at a baptism, or a close friend. This early usage carried positive connotations of spiritual kinship and close friendship. During medieval times, the term expanded to encompass close friends and familiar acquaintances, particularly women who attended childbirth as support for the mother and female companions who formed strong social bonds. 

Sounds quite delicious and important, doesn’t it? 

Beginning in the 1500’s, a shift in the understanding of gossip occurred. The meaning transformed–and I mean really transformed–from representing female friendship to idle talk. The term became increasingly gendered and derogatory, specifically associated with women engaging in idle talk. This transformation reflected the way in which language can become a tool for social control, with religious authorities condemning gossip in Christian, Jewish, and Islamic texts. 

The term was deliberately used to undermine women's social networks and information sharing, exemplified by a 1547 proclamation specifically targeting the gossip and babble of women, forbidding women from gathering to "babble and talk" and ordering husbands to confine wives to their homes. Enforcement included fining women for "scolding" and implementing brutal punishments like the "scold's bridle." This legislation represented a broader societal shift to restrict women's autonomy and destroy the female social networks that had flourished in medieval times.

It’s no wonder that we associate gossip with all things ill.

In modern usage, gossip is understood to be information sharing about absent individuals, serving both social bonding and social control functions. While it continues to carry negative connotations, research suggests that gossip served an evolutionary purpose and continues to serve an important social purpose. 

So why do we gossip? 

In his book Sapiens, author Yuval Noah Harari identifies gossip as having played a crucial role in human evolution. Our linguistic abilities developed to share social information not only to warn of danger. This allowed for larger group cooperation beyond immediate family circles, giving early humans a distinct advantage over other species. Gossip is important in information gathering and validation, it serves as a social bonding mechanism, and it helps enforce social norms and protect other people. Gossip can help us process dignity violations through sharing experiences.

I think that when we gossip, we’re trying to answer one or more unspoken questions and to meet one or more needs.

This first and probably the most self-evident question might be, "Is what this person did okay?" We want to hear reflected back our impressions of what someone said or did through the eyes of our listener. Much of the time, we have a preformed opinion, but it’s often the case that we’re checking our opinions out with others. 

We may also wonder, “Am I okay?” Think of a time when you were talking about another person, perhaps something they said or did that left you feeling bad. We may be asking people to reassure us that we’re okay, that we still have worth and value.

We may also be venting, wanting to be seen and heard, asking “Can you hear me?” or “Do you see me?” Other questions that gossiping can answer are, “What are the unwritten rules here?" and “How do I fit into here?" 

These are the ways in which gossip serves a social purpose and can help us recognize and honor the elements of dignity, including acceptance of identity, inclusion, safety, understanding, acknowledgement, recognition, accountability, and fairness. Talking about others with others can meet our needs to be seen and heard, to find clarity, to know if we ought to leave a relationship. 

Now many people will advise you to check your motivation for gossiping. I’m not sure that we are all that good at knowing our motivations. I think a more useful inquiry is into the needs you’re trying to meet. For more on universal needs, the needs that every living person has, check out the resources page on our website, thedignitylab.com.

So having covered some of the ways in which gossiping can be prosocial and help meet our needs, it’s time to think about how we know when we’ve tipped from the benefits of gossip into harmful gossip. When are we gossiping as a way of seeking false intimacy? When are we violating the dignity of others…and of ourselves?

The first is to start with an awareness of your body–if not in the moment, then afterwards.

How do you feel when you recall a good gossip session? Do you feel better…lighter? Perhaps some release and a sense of being seen and heard? Or do you feel a sense of un-ease or even shame? Did the conversation go low? What about your co-gossiper? Did they seem calmer after the conversation? Was this a conversation of validation for you or another person or of diminishing the dignity of a person who wasn’t there? Was this the first time this conversation took place? Or the 10th, or the 100th? Did the conversation feel productive? Or destructive? Do you feel that your conversation brought you closer to your goals and values? Or do you feel a sense of emptiness or discontent?

I’d like to take a moment to talk about a special type of gossip referred to as case-building. Case-building refers to behaviors in which we tell the same stories repeatedly, sometimes to anyone who will listen, about a person we believe has harmed us. We might tell the story to a colleague (or several), to a friend (or several), to our partner, to our children…pretty much anyone who will listen. We are basically persuading everyone around us that we are the victim or that we are right, or both. We may lack discernment about who should hear this story. 

This is an easy pattern to fall into. As I tell you about this, I have to admit that I can think of three people in my life who I believed warranted having a case built against them and for whom I certainly did so.

Case-building is basically rumination shared out loud. And just like rumination, telling these stories activates our brain in the same way the person’s behavior has affected us. That is, when we ruminate, whether internally in the middle of the night or while driving or out loud as in case-building, our brains relive the events of the past and the expected future. You probably know what I mean. We might raise our voice or gesticulate or clench our hands. We are stuck. And case-building does not get us unstuck. Rather, it can push other people away and, in the most extreme circumstances, can negatively impact the way others see us, and not just during that conversation but long term.

If you know what I’m talking about, I’d invite you to step back a bit and ask yourself if this is how you want to show up in the world. If you could wish anything for yourself, would this be it? You can make a decision to meet your needs for recognition, validation, and really all the elements of dignity in a more effective way. You can change the story from “done to me” to “I do,” “I choose,” “I respond,” and “I commit.” You can move from being the object of the story to the subject of the story. And if you’re a leader, there are few things more important than inviting others to do this and to build a culture of trust and dignity.

To recap, gossip serves numerous prosocial roles in our communities and helps us understand how things work, expectations of others and of ourselves in our communities. Talking with others about someone not there can meet some of our universal needs. Gossip can also be depreciative, tearing down others and therefore ourselves. 

What about you? What are your thoughts on gossip? Is the term so laden with misogyny that it’s hard for you even to listen to this episode? If you set that aside, can you see the ways in which talking about others when they’re not there can be helpful? Can you see times when it perpetuates unhappiness? 

Our episode with Dr. Danielle Kramer on the dignity of choice, would be a good pairing for this episode.

We love to hear from you. You can reach us at our website, www.thedignitylab.com or by emailing me, Jennifer Griggs, at jennifer@jennifergriggs.com. 

And join me next week when I interview Melissa Anne Rogers about the dignity of grief. We’ll see you then.

Outro