Dose of Dignity: Giving Feedback with Dignity

In this episode of the Dignity Lab, Jennifer discusses the importance of giving feedback through the lens of dignity. She explains how dignity relates to feedback, the preparation needed before giving feedback, and a structured process for delivering feedback that honors the dignity of all parties involved. The conversation also addresses challenging situations where feedback may not be effective and emphasizes the need for compassion and understanding in these scenarios.

Takeaways

• Dignity is inherent and does not need to be earned.
• Feedback should honor the identity of the recipient.
• Checking our biases is crucial before giving feedback.
• Emotional state affects how feedback is received.
• The purpose of feedback should be to help the recipient grow.
• Asking for permission before giving feedback increases receptiveness.
• Observations should be made without judgment.
• Explaining the impact of behavior is essential for understanding.
• Requests for change should be paired with commitments.
• Listening and asking for feedback for oneself fosters a healthy dialogue.

Exploring what it means to live and lead with dignity at work, in our families, in our communities, and in the world. What is dignity? How can we honor the dignity of others? And how can we repair and reclaim our dignity after harm? Tune in to hear stories about violations of dignity and ways in which we heal, forgive, and make choices about how we show up in a chaotic and fractured world. Hosted by physician and coach Jennifer Griggs.

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Transcript

Welcome to the Dignity Lab. 

Do you get anxious when you think about giving someone feedback? Maybe even the word feedback makes you anxious. In today's Dose of Dignity, I'll be talking about giving feedback through the lens of dignity. We'll start by explaining the relationship between dignity and feedback. How does thinking about dignity frame the way we give feedback? Then I'll talk about a process by which we can give feedback to others, honoring their dignity, our own, and that of our family, community, and organization. I'll finish up by talking about particularly challenging situations when there's no reasonable hope of positive change.

Recall that dignity is your inherent worth or value. Unlike respect, dignity doesn't have to be earned, and no one has more or less dignity than another person. Dignity is both essential and exquisitely vulnerable to harm–at work, in our families, and in the world. When we treat people with dignity, we honor their identity, we include them in conversations and decisions. We create safety. We practice understanding by listening to them. We recognize them for their accomplishments and for their striving. We validate their feelings and experiences. We give them the benefit of the doubt. We give them autonomy. And we uphold accountability, ours and theirs. And we treat them fairly. If you want to honor someone's dignity when giving them feedback, it's helpful to think ahead of time about these elements. 

I believe it's important to look at our own beliefs about how people should act, whether at home or in the workplace, and ask ourselves if we would give the same feedback to another person who is, for example, a man instead of a woman. I'll tell you a story about how my own biases showed up. When my kids were in elementary school, they were tussling upstairs right above my head. I remember telling my husband, “They can't do that!” I was protesting the banging and the yelling and the potential that one of them might get hurt. He asked me, would you say the same thing if they were boys? That stopped me short. No, no I wouldn't. I was responding to ingrained expectations of how girls should behave, to be sure expectations my parents had for me and my sister. And ever since then, I've asked myself if I would give the same feedback to someone if they were a different gender or race or age. 

We know that women are often encouraged to smile more, to be warmer, more approachable, more positive, et cetera. Yes, this is feedback. We're telling someone that they need to change something about themselves. None of this is to say that the energy we bring into our workplace, a meeting, a conversation, or an email isn't important no matter who we are. But when we give feedback that doesn't accept someone's identity, doesn't help them feel they belong, doesn't allow them to feel safe with us, or isn't fair, we are violating their dignity. I think it's important to check ourselves and some of the expectations we hold. 

Okay, so you've checked your biases. What else is involved in preparation for a feedback conversation? I think there are two other things. Before we give feedback, I believe it's important to check in with our emotional state. Are we angry, frustrated, hurt, feeling pressured by someone else? Are we rushed or impatient? Waiting a day or so, maybe even longer, can allow us time to take down the temperature and create a conversation rather than a lecture or, heaven forbid, a scolding. We can ease ourselves into giving someone the benefit of the doubt and giving them understanding, recognition, and acknowledgement.

The other thing that can help in preparing to give feedback is to identify the purpose of the feedback before the conversation. Ideally, the feedback we give is designed to help the recipient grow and, equally important, to help the workplace, family, or community achieve its purpose and to be aligned with its core identity. If we're giving feedback to get something off our chest or to respond to our pride having been hurt, we are setting ourselves up to violate the dignity of the other person and even our own dignity.

Okay, so you've done your preparation. You've checked your emotional state. You've looked through the elements of dignity. You've looked at the purpose of feedback that you're going to give. How do you actually go about doing it? 

Here's a process that's been shown to be effective in honoring dignity. This approach was developed by Laura Hogan, an author and coach, and aligns with the approach developed by the Center for Creative Leadership and with the practices of nonviolent communication taught by Marshall Rosenberg and others. I've added in the first and the fifth and final step from my experience in other literature. So here goes. Remind yourself that you care, take a few deep breaths, and write down some notes with key phrases for you and the recipient. 

And the first real step is to ask permission. Yes, you're going to give the feedback at some point. But if someone is having a horrible migraine, just came from a difficult meeting or a rough weekend at home, or is running late for another meeting, giving feedback in this moment will be neither effective nor dignity aware. A simple question such as, is this a good time to share some feedback, can increase the likelihood that the recipient is receptive. Now there are people who will repeatedly decline your invitation for feedback and in that case, setting up a time and holding that commitment will be required. I've been there. 

After you've asked permission, you'll next describe your observations without judgment. This is where writing up some notes can be helpful. The key thing here is that words matter. Judgmental words and labels stay with people and sear themselves into the mind, which makes it hard for people to hear and incorporate your feedback. Ideally, you would describe your observations as if you were a movie director looking through the lens of a camera. Exactly what happened and when. Just enough observations to illustrate the point. That is, you don't have to build a case. Here's an example. “When our guest was speaking at the meeting on Wednesday, you interrupted her three times.” I have to say that sometimes that level of specificity can come across as if you're keeping score or some kind of tally sheet, so you may find it preferable to say “a few times” instead of giving a specific number. But in any event, the specificity can be helpful in raising awareness. It also helps to be concise with your observations, avoiding the temptation to repeat yourself over and over just to fill space and to cope with any anxiety that you have. And it goes without saying, but I'm going to say it anyway, using words like “always” and “never,” that is, “You always…” and “You never…,” will not serve anyone.

The next step after you've made the observation is to explain the impact of the behavior on you, the group, or the work itself. Giving people the benefit of the doubt here is crucial. People are rarely aware of the impact they have on others, and it's extremely unlikely that they intended to have a negative impact. So beginning with something like, “I know that you didn't mean this to happen, but interrupting our guest set a poor example for the new people on our team.” You are on the same side as the person that you're talking with. You want the same things. 

Next, make a request. This is usually a request for a repair after something's been broken or for a change in mindset, energy, or behavior. And pair that request with a commitment. Using the first person is one way to do this, such as, “Let's develop a system so that you'll have plenty of time to submit the proposal for the next meeting.” Or “Would you be willing to work with me on this issue?” Or “I'd like you to write up a plan to avoid future breaches of protocol and we'll go over it together next Tuesday during our meeting.” Remember to check your intent to avoid coercion with some of these partnering statements. And of course, we don't want to infantilize others or violate their autonomy. Micromanaging someone will reliably de-energize and demotivate them as well as violate trust. So you'll titrate your level of support to the person. 

The final step is to listen, asking for feedback for yourself and checking in on the person and your relationship. “How are you feeling about this feedback?” “What feedback do you have for me?” “How is this feedback landing with you?” “Are you and I okay?” Asking the person if they have feedback for you is a way to demonstrate humble leadership and to continue the conversation. I've had opportunity to recognize my own contributions to work situations and the impact of my monkey mind and resultant lack of clarity on other people. The best feedback  is a loop.

Practicing the conversation with a trusted colleague, your coach, a friend, or even out loud in your office alone will help you manage your anxiety, show up as a values-aligned leader and partner, and take time to imagine and respond to different outcomes. 

Okay, so now it's time to get real.

The process of asking permission, making observations, describing the impact, making a request, and then listening may be well and good for minor transgressions or for people who are high performers. There are times when we're in an untenable situation with a colleague, a friend, a family member, or someone who reports to us. Speaking of work, we may have hired someone too quickly or ignored red flags. Someone may have started out strong but lost all commitment to the work. I know that. There are people who can be so disruptive that their energy contaminates the workplace. There are people who are terminally disrespectful of the work and of others, people who are not coachable. And we often wait until things are so bad that the entire ecosystem is dysfunctional. My guess is that you know what I'm talking about. What do we do in this case? How can we honor the dignity of the person who isn't aligned with the team or the work while also doing the right thing? Some of these folks can be bullies, intimidating the very person who needs to help them leave. 

Here are some thoughts I have about this situation. This actually is not a feedback conversation. This is a decision you've made because you're putting the dignity of the work and the team above that of the individual. Dignity and compassion cannot stop at one person, and waiting to have this conversation won't make things better. 

Here are some observations you might make in this type of situation. There's a gap between this person's skills and what the organization needs right now. Or there's lack of alignment between the organization's core values and the person's actions. Or despite everyone's efforts and goodwill, things are not getting better.

These observations allow you to make it less personal. And it's not about you, it's about the work. To be honest, in the vast majority of cases, the person already knows that they're not thriving, not contributing, and many times they're relieved when the relationship ends, even if it takes some time for them to see that.

We hope this episode was helpful in thinking about giving feedback with dignity. If it was, would you consider subscribing, sharing and rating our podcast? How does the lens of dignity and how do the elements of dignity change the way you think about giving feedback? Is there a conversation you need to have? What would make it possible for you to approach the conversation with dignity–yours, the family or workplace, and that of the other person? 

We love hearing from you. You can reach us through our website, thedignitylab.com, or at my email address, which is jennifer@jennifergriggs.com. Don't forget to check out our downloadable resources on our website, thedignitylab.com, including a periodic table of the elements of dignity and a one-page summary of the steps I've described in this episode. 

We'll see you next time for a dose of dignity on receiving feedback with dignity. Thanks as always for listening.