Dose of Dignity: Receiving Feedback with Dignity

This episode of the Dignity Lab focuses on how to receive feedback with dignity, exploring the physiological and emotional responses that occur when receiving critiques. Jennifer discusses the importance of understanding these reactions, especially for those who have experienced trauma, and offers practical strategies for responding to feedback in a constructive manner. The conversation emphasizes the need for a culture of open feedback in both personal and professional relationships, encouraging listeners to seek input regularly and maintain their dignity throughout the process.

Takeaways

• Receiving feedback can trigger strong physiological responses.
• Understanding our emotional reactions is key to processing feedback.
• Deep breaths can calm our nervous system during feedback.
• All feedback is information about ourselves and others.
• Feedback should be viewed as a gift, not a threat.
• Practicing responses to feedback can help prepare us for real situations.
• It's okay to take time to process feedback before responding.
• Setting boundaries is important when dignity is violated.
• Creating a culture of feedback can improve relationships.
• Regularly seeking feedback fosters personal and professional growth.

Resources

• Thanks for the Feedback, The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well, by Sheila Heen and Douglas Stone
• Leader as Healer, A New Paradigm for 21st-Century Leadership, by Nicholas Janni

Exploring what it means to live and lead with dignity at work, in our families, in our communities, and in the world. What is dignity? How can we honor the dignity of others? And how can we repair and reclaim our dignity after harm? Tune in to hear stories about violations of dignity and ways in which we heal, forgive, and make choices about how we show up in a chaotic and fractured world. Hosted by physician and coach Jennifer Griggs.

For more information on the podcast, please visit www.thedignitylab.com.
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For additional free resources, including the periodic table of dignity elements, please visit https://jennifergriggs.com/resources/.

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Transcript

Welcome to the Dignity Lab. This week's Dose of Dignity is about receiving feedback with dignity. If you haven't listened to our last episode on giving feedback, you may want to hop over to that episode first from last week. I'll talk first about what happens in our brain and body when we receive feedback and how to receive critiques or feedback with dignity. Throughout, I'll address a few things to think about if you have experienced trauma. I'll end with an alternative to the ways we usually receive feedback. I'll end with an alternative way to think about how we receive feedback.

What happens in our brain and body when we receive feedback? If you think about a time someone gave you an evaluation or their opinion about your performance, you may recall the way your body responded. We have physiologic responses in these circumstances, particularly when we're hearing something that isn't, well, positive. Our heart rate increases up to 50%, the same increase we see when someone who is afraid of public speaking takes the stage. Our pupils dilate, indicating a strong emotional response. We might frown involuntarily or may have a smile that seems frozen or stuck on our face. Our brain is activated in the amygdala, the dorsal anterior cingulate gyrus in the cortex, and the thalamus. These are the areas that light up when we face stress associated in particular with uncertainty or ambiguity. Stress responses influence both cognitive processing (how we think), and emotional regulation, (how we feel and how we respond to our feeling self). Basically, we can go into fight, flight, or freeze mode and find it hard to think clearly and to keep ourselves calm.

As we hear or read, for example, in an email or on an evaluation forum, what others have to say about us, we may be thinking from a much younger part of ourselves, “Am I in trouble?” We may be confused about what we're being asked to do. Are we being asked to explain ourselves, to apologize, to do more or less of something, to leave? We may feel misunderstood, humiliated, shamed, micromanaged or blamed for something that isn't our responsibility. We may feel our integrity is being questioned, that is, that we're not being given the benefit of the doubt. The feedback may be unfair if we're being evaluated according to different rules or standards from those applied to others. The feedback may feel personal and not oriented towards our work or our behavior. We may fear threats to the relationship or our standing within it, particularly if we've experienced abandonment. 

In short, we may have all the same reactions as when our dignity is violated in other settings, that is, if our worth is being questioned or we feel that it is. Remember that dignity is both essential and exquisitely vulnerable to harm. You may be wired or fine-tuned to pick up the negative assessment, your antennae tuned to any threat based on how you grew up or the culture in which you work. 

A special note about positive feedback. Just as with critical feedback, your brain may automatically enter a protective state. Even well-intentioned praise can feel uncomfortable or suspicious because you may question, even subconsciously, the authenticity of positive feedback or struggle to accept recognition. This reaction can stem from experiences where praise was used as a form of manipulation or coercion or was inconsistently given, leading to a complex relationship with positive feedback.

So how do we receive feedback with dignity and how can we respond when our dignity is violated? 

The first thing to keep in mind is that all feedback is information, sometimes about us, sometimes about the person talking with us, and sometimes about the environment in which we both are living. And a related thought…many people are not skilled at giving feedback. They may not be clear on their intentions. They may not be regulating their own emotions. They may not have checked their biases. They may not have practiced. They may not have listened to last week's episode. 

With those things in mind, here are some suggestions. If you find something useful in what follows, you can practice these ideas with a friend, your mentor, a coach, a therapist, or even alone in your car or your house. Practicing helps us prepare even for unexpected situations. 

Before responding to any evaluative comments, allow yourself a moment to notice your physical and emotional reactions. Deep breaths can help calm your nervous system and create space between the trigger and your response. Remember that feeling defensive doesn't mean you need to act defensively. If you know an evaluation is coming, you can write notes to refer to during the conversation. Notes like “Breathe” or “I'm okay, I'm safe.” This can help you calm your body, mind and spirit. 

I'd love you to think about feedback as if someone is handing you a gift. Even if you're not sure you'll like what's inside or you think the wrapping paper is ugly, you can still accept it with grace and dignity just like you would if you received a sweater from a distant relative. it's also important to know that, just like you don't have to wear that sweater every day, you also don't have to agree with the feedback you've been given. You don't have to integrate it fully into your image of yourself.

So when someone starts sharing their thoughts, take a deep breath and try to listen to receive. This is easier said than done. Your first instinct might be to jump in with, “Wait!” or “That's not what happened,” or you might shut down. Writing down notes during the conversation can help you stay calm and put the brakes on what may be swirling emotions and thoughts. If you feel your heart racing or your defenses rising, try putting both feet on the floor and your hands on your lower abdomen to help ground yourself. If you've experienced abandonment, neglect, or other trauma, pull on those resources and tools you've developed to help yourself be your whole and resilient self.

If you can, try to find the kernel of truth, the gem inside the rough stone to make this feedback valuable information that could strengthen your relationships or improve your performance. Ask questions like, “Could you give me an example?” Or “What would you like to see happen differently?” These questions show that you're engaged and help you understand the other person's perspective better. Responding with questions rather than what you consider to be answers can also defang someone who's coming at you aggressively. 

If you need time to process what you're hearing, it's absolutely okay to say, “I appreciate your sharing this with me. I'm going to give careful thought to what you've said and continue to do the best work I can.” I've memorized this sentence, practiced it, and used it on more than one occasion. I'll say it again: “I appreciate your sharing this with me. I'm going to give careful thought to what you've said and continue to do the best work I can.”

After you've left the conversation, take time to process your response with someone you trust. Think about what parts of the feedback ring true and what concrete steps you can take. Maybe your partner or child or colleague mentioned you're often distracted during conversations or your colleague pointed out that you tend to interrupt during meetings.

While your initial temptation may be to argue, to defend yourself, or to shut down, you'll grow more if you can pick one or two specific things to work on and then let the person know what you're doing differently. You might say, “I've been thinking about what you said and I'm making an effort to put my phone away during our conversations.” Or “I've started counting to three before speaking in meetings to make sure others are finished.” Showing you're making an effort often matters as much as the results. If you're a leader, this is especially true, and you can role model a growth mindset. Please know that if you had a trauma response during the conversation, shutting down, feeling the urge to flee or experiencing shame, it may take some time for you to be able to process the feedback more fully.

What do you do if the feedback has trounced upon one or more of the elements of dignity? Recall that you have inherent worth and value. You don't have to earn your dignity. You do have the right to take a breath, to set boundaries, to name the impact of the critique, to request a different approach, and to request continuing the conversation at another time.

You have the right to feel safe. Naming the elements of dignity that have been violated and distinguishing between dignity and pride can help you evaluate the feedback with a little more perspective. You can find a downloadable version of the elements of dignity on our website, thedignitylab.com, as well as a downloadable one page of what I call dignity look-alikes, including pride and respect.

You may also wish to give some thought to avoiding some of the temptations we face when our dignity is violated, including pushing back on or avoiding feedback, gossiping, shifting the blame to others and lashing out. You may choose to focus instead on becoming the subject of the sentence, the subject of the story, identifying what you can do. This can give you more agency and help you feel less like a victim. 

So is there a different way to do this whole giving feedback, receiving feedback dance? A different way to help people be their best, contributing fully to the work of the family or the community, and a different way to be open to feedback, no matter the content? 

What if we move to a culture at work or in a personal relationship in which we ask regularly for feedback. If you took me up on this invitation, you would ask for a conversation about your work or the way you are in relationship with someone else when you feel internally well-resourced, calm and in control, whether at work or home. If we did this, we could receive feedback in the cool, clear light of day, rather than in the heat of the moment or at the end of the day when we should be folding up our tents and going home to rest and refuel. We could come prepared to hear both appreciation and suggestions on how to improve the quality of our work and the impact we're having on others and the ecosystem. If we have experienced trauma, we can make sure we are in a space that feels safe. We can put reminders in our notes and can prepare ourselves, reaching out ahead of time to the people who have helped us navigate our experiences.

What would having conversations in which you seek input be like for you? Seeking it regularly. What about your family, your team at work? A couple of years ago, my husband and I started meeting on Sundays over brunch and asking each other, “What would make me a better partner to you?” “What do you need from me?” I wish I'd learned this sooner, both at home and at work.

We hope this episode has helped you think about how you respond to feedback and ways you can maintain and reclaim your dignity. If you're considering giving feedback to someone in your life, does understanding the trauma response or responses help you think about how you lead others? 

We love hearing from you. You can contact us through our website, thedignitylab.com or by emailing me directly at jennifer at jennifergriggs.com. And if this podcast has been helpful, please consider sharing it with one person you think might also like it. And you know, you can subscribe, rate, and review all those things. That helps other people find us. 

Thank you for listening and we'll see you next time.