Dose of Dignity: Active, Deep, and Radical - The Dignity of Listening

In this episode of the Dignity Lab, Jennifer explores the relationship between dignity and listening. She discusses various listening approaches, including active, deep, and radical listening, and highlights the importance of emotions and of empathy in communication. Jennifer identifies common empathy blockers that hinder effective listening and offers practical strategies to practice being a better listener. The episode concludes with an invitation to join an online event aimed at improving listening abilities in a supportive environment.

Resources

• Non-Violent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg
• Active Listening by Richard Evans Farson and Carl R. Rogers
• Supercommunicators: How to Understand the Secret Language of Connection by Charles Duhigg
• Deep Listening podcast

Takeaways

• Listening is one way to honor dignity.
• Active listening involves fully attuning to the speaker's feelings.
• Deep listening requires self-reflection and vulnerability.
• Radical listening allows for authentic communication without preconceived notions.
• Empathy blockers can erode trust and violate dignity.
• Practicing listening can lead to deeper relationships.
• Pausing before responding can enhance understanding.
• Noticing body language is crucial in conversations.
• Group listening helps in hearing collective voices.
• Listening is a skill that can be developed over time.

Exploring what it means to live and lead with dignity at work, in our families, in our communities, and in the world. What is dignity? How can we honor the dignity of others? And how can we repair and reclaim our dignity after harm? Tune in to hear stories about violations of dignity and ways in which we heal, forgive, and make choices about how we show up in a chaotic and fractured world. Hosted by physician and coach Jennifer Griggs.

For more information on the podcast, please visit www.thedignitylab.com.
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For additional free resources, including the periodic table of dignity elements, please visit https://jennifergriggs.com/resources/.

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Transcript

Intro

Hello and welcome to the Dignity Lab. Happy New Year. One of my goals for 2025 is to be a better listener. I literally have the word écoute, French for listen, tattooed on the inside of my wrist and I still know I can do better. 

In this Dose of Dignity, I'll be talking about the relationship between listening and dignity, describe active, deep, and radical listening, and the impact that good listening has on the people in our lives. I'll then talk about those things that can get in the way of good listening, as well as empathy blockers, things that we feel and say that can get in the way of true listening. I'll offer some things to try to help us become better listeners, and I'll close with an invitation for an online event I'll be holding in March to up-level your listening skills in a safe environment. 

What does listening have to do with dignity? Recall the elements of dignity identified by Dr. Donna Hicks, our first guest on this podcast in season one. Those elements are acceptance of identity, inclusion, physical and psychological safety, understanding in which we have a chance to tell our story, acknowledgement, which is the experience of being validated, recognition for not just our accomplishments, but also our striving, fairness, being given the benefit of the doubt, accountability, and autonomy. When these elements are honored, particularly validation, understanding, recognition, and being given the benefit of the doubt, we feel seen and heard. There are few things, therefore, more aligned with dignity than listening. 

I'd love you to think about a time you were truly heard when you felt seen and understood. 

What did the listener do to help you feel that way? How did you feel about them? How did you feel when you were with them? How did you feel about yourself and about the conversation? Did you feel that you had worth and value? Did you feel your own dignity?

What are different ways of listening? You'll see the overlap between them, but I'm next going to describe active, deep, and radical listening. Active listening, as defined by psychologist Carl Rogers and Richard Farson, involves fully attuning to the speaker's feelings and views, demonstrating unbiased acceptance and validation of their experience. It requires paying attention to both verbal and nonverbal cues, focusing on the content of the message as well as the emotions conveyed through the message. Their book, Active Listening, was published in 1957. Active listeners make an effort Their book, Active Listening, published in 1957, describes several behaviors and techniques that represent active listening. 

Active listeners make an effort to show their understanding by acknowledging the speaker's internal frame and reflecting back on their emotions. Techniques to demonstrate active listening focus on paying full attention to the speaker and demonstrating engagement through paraphrasing, nodding or using verbal cues like, mm-hmm, I see, and others to show attentiveness. The goal of active listening is to build empathy and make the speaker feel heard by avoiding interruptions, for example. In the real world, unfortunately, the concepts described in the book, active listening, have been reduced to merely showing we're awake by saying things such as, mm-hmm, and not being on our phone, sort of a low bar.

Deep listening represents a more contemplative and comprehensive approach to understanding others. It involves a deep, reflective, contemplated state. It reflects a deep and reflective and contemplative state within ourselves. We're actually listening to ourselves and hearing what the person says, including the impact that it's having on us. It's very subtle, and there's more meaning and intention. So listeners have to attend to themselves as much as to the speaker, creating a more profound connection through self-reflection and vulnerability. What this allows to happen, this type of listening allows conversation. This kind of listening allows conversations to evolve towards even more creative and innovative outcomes. It also emphasizes what isn't being said and emphasizes self-awareness as the foundation of effective communication. 

Oscar Trimboli, an international expert in deep listening, describes five progressive levels of listening. Listening to yourself, listening to the content, listening for the context, what else is going on, listening for the unsaid, and listening for meaning. Listening to yourself means making sure you're in a good frame of mind to listen and that you have self-awareness. You can't feel rushed or be expecting a package to be delivered or be late for another appointment. He also points out that when we practice this kind of listening, we're also attending not just to the words or the content, we're actually attending to the progress of the conversation itself as a living, breathing being that you and your conversation partner are creating between you. It involves truly receiving what the other person is saying and letting it impact you. And it allows for creative forces and new ideas to emerge organically during the conversation.

Radical listening takes the practice of listening to an even more fundamental level. Focus on getting to the absolute root of what someone is saying without any preconceived notions or categorization. It involves allowing speakers to express themselves completely without interruption while listening for what remains unspoken and what people generally and typically won't reveal. These universal things that we don't want to reveal. In other words, radical listeners create space for speakers to fully articulate their thoughts and clarify their ideas, leading to more authentic communication and the surfacing of some hard truths. This approach involves consciously stepping back from positions of privilege or authority to create space for others' expertise and lived experience. When we do this, we are allowed to reach consensus while being mindful of how social, cultural, and institutional power structures influence communication. When we listen radically, we acknowledge that power dynamics often silence or diminish certain voices or certain topics, particularly when people from marginalized communities are speaking. It is through this type of listening that we transform relationships between parent and child, between patient and doctor, between student and teacher, and between leader and those whom we lead. Each of these listening approaches builds on the other. 

This sounds pretty good, doesn't it? So what gets in the way of our listening? Here are a few things that have been true for me in the past, some of which are still true. Perhaps you may recognize some of them in yourself. 

First, we can feel pressured to have a response right away. In this way, conversation becomes a sort of performance. We tell ourselves stories that we have to have all the answers, that we're right, and if we don't, there's something wrong with us as a parent or a friend or a counselor or a teacher or a leader. We have to have all the answers. So these stories actually hurt us, they hurt the conversation, and they certainly hurt the person that we're listening to if we feel pressured to respond and interrupt or close the door to a deeper conversation.

We may also find that we think we know what the other person is experiencing, thinking, or feeling. We come to conclusions really quickly. 

The other thing is we can feel pressured for time and interrupt before somebody has finished their thought, raising them along in the conversation, which really shuts doors to communication.

We can make judgments or assumptions about what's being said rather than truly trying to understand. A lot of these are related. 

We can get distracted by our to-do list or a text message, another person waiting for us, just the general stimulation of the world. 

We may believe that people need to be fixed or improved. We see this a lot with doctors and patients. We can see this a lot when people give advice. We may think this is the case with our children, if they're suffering, that we have to fix their suffering. 

We may be filtering what is being said through our own experiences, rather than trying to see things from the speaker's perspective. 

And the most common thing that gets in the way of our not listening is that we haven't practiced. I'll get to some ways we can practice in just a moment.

What are some specific listening or conversation traps to avoid? I'm going to be talking about what are called in the world of nonviolent communication, empathy blockers. Empathy blockers impair listening by creating barriers to genuine emotional connection and understanding. They can erode trust and violate dignity. 

As you listen, think about conversations you've had where your dignity wasn't honored to see if any of these empathy blockers came up, if any of them got in the way of your feeling seen and heard. And I would love you to ask yourself, are any of these things that you've heard yourself do? And are any of these things you've heard yourself do advising or fixing? 

• Offering advising or fixing, offering unsolicited advice or trying to solve the problem. 
• One upping, sharing a more extreme story or experience. 
• Educating, trying to teach a lesson from the situation. 
• Consoling or sympathizing, which is offering pity or consolation without truly empathizing. Storytelling, shifting focus to your own related experiences. 
• Shutting down, dismissing feelings or changing the subject. 
• Interrogating, asking probing questions before you've truly listened.
• Explaining, providing justifications for our own behavior or that of other people, trying to explain away something that happened. 
• Correcting, pointing out factual errors instead of focusing on emotions. Well, we weren't really going only 55 miles an hour when somebody's talking about an encounter with law enforcement.
• Correcting pointing out factual errors in what somebody has said instead of focusing on the emotions underlying the story 
• Analyzing or diagnosing, meaning interpreting or psychoanalyzing the situation giving a diagnosis to the speaker 
• Judging criticizing or blaming the person for their feelings or actions 
• Taking criticism personally becoming defensive when somebody is giving us feedback instead of listening and using too many words
• Rambling or over explaining instead of focusing on feelings and needs, often our own. 

So why all this talk of emotions? Here's the thing, although some conversations are solely about a thing that needs to get done or a thing that happened, most conversations hold more than just the facts. In his book, Supercommunicators, Charles Duhigg writes about three conversations that are actually happening all at once. The first is the topic, the “What are we talking about?”The second is the emotions, and the third is our identities…who are we in the conversation, in the other person's world and our own? If you think of a conversation which you did not feel seen and heard, the turmoil you experienced is most likely due to the other person or people plowing over your emotions, your strength, your wisdom, your wholeness, that is your emotions and your identity. 

So you've heard all of this and you want to know, How can I do better? So here are some things you can try. 

First, spend a conversation with someone you trust just noticing their body language. Is their body open or tense? Are they smiling or is their brow furrowed? Are they still or active? Check in with them about what you noticed and see if you can learn more about their state of mind, their energy level, and their relationship with the topic of the conversation. 

The second thing to try is pausing before responding. You can count one, two, three before speaking. This will help you develop your muscle of waiting, a practice of patience and can help you avoid jumping to conclusions or interrupting. This will come more naturally with time.

You can also repeat, reword, and say why. With another person, one of you makes a statement, and the listener repeats it verbatim, rewords it in their own words, and provides a logical reason why the statement might be true.

You can summarize and confirm. After someone speaks, summarize what you heard and ask them to confirm if you understood correctly. I'm always amazed at how often I misunderstand people and how helpful it is to have them clarify for me. 

The next thing you can try and practice is to be curious. When someone uses an intriguing word or phrase or maybe something you think you know what it means, simply ask them to expand on it without adding your own commentary. You can try something like, “Tell me more about that.”

The next thing is to practice one-way listening. Have one person speak for two to three minutes without interruption, while the other person listens silently, focusing solely on understanding. There is a luxury in this, that not having to respond or be on, just being fully present. Time slows down, your body relaxes and self-consciousness fades away. You're not in the position to come up with a perfect question or response. 

And the last one to try is practice group listening, focusing on hearing the collective voice rather than individual opinions.These exercises can help you develop the skills of focusing attention, suspending judgment, and truly hearing other people's perspectives. These are useful if you're a parent, a teacher, a friend, a coworker, a leader. I can't think of any situation where this wouldn't help you be a better listener. 

You might be wondering if you have time to practice, to notice, to listen. I get that. You're busy. I do have to say though, from my experience, that your relationships will be deeper and fuller, that your work will sparkle, that you'll discover more, learn more, and that you'll find you actually save time. You're not going back to clear up misunderstandings or to repair harms. Listening is a luxury that costs nothing and promises only to enrich your life and relationships.

What about you? What resonates with you? What would you like to try? We love hearing from you. You can contact us through our website, thedignitylab.com, or you can email me directly at jennifer at jennifergriggs.com. If you're interested in being in a safe and supportive setting in which you can practice listening and in learning a strategy to be authentic, even if authenticity is not the norm in your workplace or your world,

I'd love to have you join me for a one hour online, no cost session on Sunday, September 2nd at 2 p.m. Eastern time. A link to sign up is on our website, thedignitylab.com, where we also have resources that you can download. The show notes for each episode of this podcast has books and other related links. And my blog on my website, jennifergriggs.com, has a post about listening with much of the information I covered today and a photo of the tattoo I mentioned at the top of the episode. 

Hey, if you enjoyed this episode, please like, rate, subscribe, review, and share it. That helps us grow our audience. Thanks as always for listening and we'll see you next time.

Outro