5 Reasons Not to Forgive

In this episode of The Dignity Lab, Jennifer discusses the complexities of forgiveness, outlining five reasons why it may not be the right time to forgive. She emphasizes the importance of understanding what forgiveness is not, clarifying misconceptions, and ultimately defining forgiveness and its alternatives as a personal journey towards emotional freedom.

Takeaways

It's too soon to forgive if you're still in acute pain.

• Being told to forgive can be counterproductive.
• Being attached to one’s victim identity can hinder forgiveness.
• Misconceptions about forgiveness can create barriers.
• Forgiveness does not mean forgetting or condoning harm.
• Forgiveness does not require an apology from the offender.
• Justice is an important aspect of healing.
• Forgiveness is a process, not a one-time event.
• Forgiveness is an inside job and personal work.
• Forgiveness is an invitation to emotional freedom.

Exploring what it means to live and lead with dignity at work, in our families, in our communities, and in the world. What is dignity? How can we honor the dignity of others? And how can we repair and reclaim our dignity after harm? Tune in to hear stories about violations of dignity and ways in which we heal, forgive, and make choices about how we show up in a chaotic and fractured world. Hosted by physician and coach Jennifer Griggs.

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Transcript

This is The Dignity Lab, a podcast that seeks to define dignity, its violations, and its reclamation. No matter who you are, no matter what you’ve done, no matter what’s happened to you, you can reclaim your dignity.

Hosted by physician, narrative medicine practitioner, and leadership coach, Dr. Jennifer Griggs.

This season focuses on healing from past hurts through forgiveness and its alternatives.

Today’s episode is a dose of dignity, a solo, bite-sized episode that focuses on living and leading with dignity.

Hello and welcome to The Dignity Lab. In this episode, our first in our series on forgiveness and its alternatives, I'm going to be talking about five good reasons not to forgive. I'll then talk about what forgiveness is not and what forgiveness and its alternatives actually are. 

If you haven't subscribed and followed us, I invite you to do so now. That way you make sure not to miss an episode. 

Let's jump right into the five reasons not to forgive. 

The first is that it's too soon. If you haven't been able to talk to anybody about what happened, if you can't put into words what happened, if you're still in acute pain, like an acute wound, this is not the right time to forgive. Jumping into forgiveness and its alternatives when trauma is untended to can actually be harmful and reproduce some of that trauma. 

The second reason not to forgive is because somebody told you to. If somebody tells you, you just need to forgive, that's a prescription.

The third reason not to forgive is because you are just not ready to give up your identity as a victim. If you are still attached to your victim identity, if it still means something to you to be the person hurt in this story, it's probably not the right time. And let's be honest, there's something about that identity that gives us sometimes attention from others or it's a comfortable place to be. If we're used to being the victim, it can feel like home. Moving into forgiveness and its alternatives actually won't serve you in this moment. You really need to be ready to let go of that identity. 

The fourth reason is because you don't know what forgiveness is. You have some misconceptions about it and forgiving and healing through its alternatives feel beyond reach or something that doesn't fit you like an oversized coat that just drags at the sleeves and slumps at the shoulders. 

The fifth reason not to forgive is because you don't know how. And truth be told, there really isn't a path to forgiveness in our common discourse. We don't see role models. We aren't given instructions or a path to forgive or to heal even without forgiveness. 

So those are the five reasons not to forgive. It's too soon. Somebody told you to, you're attached to your identity as a victim, somebody who's hurt, you don't know what forgiveness is, or you don't know how to do it. 

So let's address one of those last ones, understanding what forgiveness is not. 

Forgiveness does not mean forgetting what was done. In fact, we may want to remember what was done to keep us safe in the future, to keep us from falling into the same patterns and traps.

Forgiveness does not mean that what happened was okay. It doesn't mean condoning what was done or making light of it. In fact, understanding the harm is one of the first steps towards healing.

Forgiveness doesn't mean reconciling with the people who hurt you. It doesn't mean you have to say all is well, it's water under the bridge. In fact, sometimes really understanding the role of your relationship in your future, that is, should you release the relationship, should you cut all ties, can be really helpful in your healing. 

Forgiveness does not mean giving up hope of justice. 

This is a sticky one. Forgiveness does not require an apology from those who hurt you. In fact, they're really unlikely to apologize. In my experience and in the experience of people I work with, making peace with the fact that that apology is actually not coming is an important part of healing. 

Forgiveness doesn't happen all at once. We may have to cycle back. It's less like a light switch than it is a dimmer switch. 

Forgiveness is not a prescription. It's not something people can just tell us to do. 

Forgiveness isn't easy. In fact, it can be really hard. Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness. 

So those are the things that are not true about forgiveness. It doesn't mean forgetting. It doesn't mean that what happened was okay. It doesn't mean reconciling. It does not require an apology. It does not mean giving up the pursuit of justice. It doesn't happen all at once. It's not a prescription. It isn't easy. And it's not a sign of weakness.

So what then is forgiveness? The most important definition of forgiveness for me is giving up all hope of a better past, accepting the present. And whether one forgives or pursues alternatives, it's really important to make a decision not to stay stuck in the past. Forgiveness is then a choice to help you be untethered from those who hurt you. 

Forgiveness is a process.

Forgiveness is an inside job. It is your work to do. Both forgiveness and its alternatives are work that you can do on your own in service of your freedom, in service of your healing. 

Forgiveness is a change in emotional experience, moving from anger and resentment and grief to a new experience in your life of healing, of energy, of moving towards more positive emotions, not positive toxicity. 

Forgiveness is a change you can feel in your body. You can move from this experience of pain in your chest, in your belly, between your ears and your jaw. It's something you can feel in your body. 

Forgiveness is a step on the path to freedom from the people who hurt you.

And forgiveness is an invitation. It's not a prescription. 

Tyler Perry has been quoted as saying, “It's not an easy journey to get to a place where you forgive people, but it is such a powerful place because it frees you.”

I am so excited to invite you into this journey. 

If you think there's somebody in your life who would benefit from this, please share this episode with them. And I invite you to listen to it again, because some of these thoughts may be new. 

Thank you as always for listening and we'll see you next time. In our next episode, we'll talk about...In our next episode, we'll talk about the role of forgiveness and its alternatives in healing, your health, and in organizations. We'll see you then.

This has been The Dignity Lab with Dr. Jennifer Griggs.

If you have experienced a dignity violation or have a dignity dilemma and want to be a guest on our show, contact us through our website, www.thedignitylab.com. Guests may remain anonymous. 

And If you’re a leader wanting to up level your leadership with a small community of like-minded people, visit our website thedignitylab.com to learn more about the Dignity Lab (yes, the same name), our group program for leaders.

Our website and the show notes have downloadable resources that you can access from anywhere.

More information about any of our guests can be found in show notes for that episode. 

This season of The Dignity Lab is produced by me, Vanessa Aron. Pete Carty is our audio engineer and sound designer. Chase Miller composed our theme music.

This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. The content discussed is intended to explore and raise awareness about dignity. Sensitive topics may be discussed that could evoke strong emotions; discretion is advised, and listeners are encouraged to engage with the material with empathy."

Remember, “...be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the Universe, no less than the trees and the stars.”