What Now? Release or Renew?

This episode explores what comes after the work of healing, how to decide whether to renew or release a relationship with someone who caused harm. Jennifer walks through both paths, emphasizing that forgiveness does not require staying connected and that this decision is deeply personal.

Renewal means creating a new relationship grounded in clarity, boundaries, and mutual capacity, not returning to what was. Release, on the other hand, is a conscious choice to free yourself from emotional ties to the person, even without apology or closure. The episode also acknowledges that feeling stuck is a natural part of the process and offers alternative paths forward, including dignity-based healing, acceptance, advocacy, and restorative justice.

The core message: there is no single “right” next step, only the one that honors your dignity and allows you to move forward with intention.

Takeaways

•  After healing, you can renew or release the relationship. 
•  Forgiveness does not require continued connection. 
•  Renewal means creating a new relationship, not returning to the old one. 
•  Renewal requires clarity, boundaries, vulnerability, and mutual capacity. 
•  Release means freeing yourself from emotional ties—not avoidance. 
•  You can release even without apology, contact, or closure. 
•  You can renew internally, even if the person is gone. 
•  If you still feel intense anger or pain, more healing may be needed before release. 
•  Feeling stuck is normal—healing is not linear. 
• Alternatives to forgiveness include dignity, acceptance, advocacy, and justice.

Resources

• The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and Our World by Desmond Tutu
• Dignity: Its Essential Role in Resolving Conflict by Donna Hicks
• The Principles of Psychology (1890) by William James

Exploring what it means to live and lead with dignity at work, in our families, in our communities, and in the world. What is dignity? How can we honor the dignity of others? And how can we repair and reclaim our dignity after harm? Tune in to hear stories about violations of dignity and ways in which we heal, forgive, and make choices about how we show up in a chaotic and fractured world. Hosted by physician and coach Jennifer Griggs.

For more information on the podcast, please visit www.thedignitylab.com.
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For additional free resources, including the periodic table of dignity elements, please visit https://jennifergriggs.com/resources/.

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Transcript

This is The Dignity Lab, a podcast that seeks to define dignity, its violations, and its reclamation. No matter who you are, no matter what you’ve done, no matter what’s happened to you, you can reclaim your dignity.

Hosted by physician, narrative medicine practitioner, and leadership coach, Dr. Jennifer Griggs.

This season focuses on healing from past hurts through forgiveness and its alternatives.

Today’s episode is a dose of dignity, a solo, bite-sized episode that focuses on living and leading with dignity.

Hello and welcome to The Dignity Lab and this special season on healing from past hurt through forgiveness and its alternatives. In this episode, I'll be talking about what comes next after you've done the work of healing, specifically how to decide whether to renew or release a relationship with someone who has hurt you. I'll also talk about what it means and what to do if you're still stuck, even after listening to this season, and I'll end with other things you can do after harm that do not require forgiveness. 

If you've been following along this season, you've learned about the elements of dignity that were violated, you've told your story in a new way, you've named your emotions and needs, and you've begun the process of reclaiming your dignity. You may have even started the forgiveness process or explored alternatives to forgiveness. And now you're facing a question. What's next? The answer isn't simple and it's deeply personal. But what I want you to know is this. Forgiveness in no way requires that you stay in relationship with the people or person or system who hurt you. 

After we've taken these steps toward healing, we essentially have two choices about the relationship with those who hurt us. We can choose to renew the relationship or we can choose to release it. Both are valid choices. Both honor your dignity and both require that you've done the foundational work of moving from the position of victim from done to me to the position of subject–I do, I choose, I pledge–or creator. 

Let me explain what I mean by each of these paths. And before I go on, I want to say that both these options are available to you even if you are no longer in touch with the person or people who hurt you through death or distance. 

I'll start with answering the question, what does it mean to renew a relationship? Renewing a relationship means that we create a new relationship with the person who hurt us. And I want to emphasize that word new. As Desmond Tutu writes in The Book of Forgiving, “Renewal is not an act of restoration. We do not make a carbon copy of the relationship we had before the hurt or insult. Renewing our relationship is a creative act.” 

We don't want to ignore what we've learned. What happened is real, and we need to protect ourselves from future harm. Renewal of a relationship is based on the belief that people, including ourselves, can change. Renewal gives us the opportunity to create the kind of relationship we desire. Preserving our dignity and that of others is central to any renewal. It's essential that we are clear on what the expectations are for the relationship. Setting some limits will keep us from a repeat of the harm. 

What is needed for renewal? First, we need to be clear on what we need from the person who hurt us. Do we need an apology? Do we need to have the person listen to our story, our hurt, and our positive intention as we went into whatever situation caused the harm? Understanding our own feelings and needs is clearly then part of this process as is recognizing that the other person, the people, or the system may just not have the capacity to meet our needs. 

Similarly, accepting our role, if we had one, creates honesty and mutual accountability. I have to pause here and remind you this is not about blaming yourself. This is not to say it was your fault, but it is often the case that we had some agency in the situation leading up to the harm, some need we were trying to meet, whether skillfully or not. Recognizing our shared humanity can open a compassionate space for reconnection. 

Renewal requires vulnerability. It requires hope. It requires the willingness to be disappointed again. And it requires clear boundaries about what you will and will not accept going forward.

So what does it mean to release a relationship? Even if the person who hurt you is a stranger, you are in a relationship with that person. That is, they are part of your life story, and you may be uncomfortably bound together because of the harm you experienced. It's possible that you've received an apology from the person who hurt you, and yet do not wish to resume the relationship.

Or perhaps the person who has hurt you has died or you don't know who they are, or it's not safe for you to renew the relationship. You've done the work of planting the seeds of forgiveness or its alternative on a path towards healing. Now you can choose to release the relationship. Releasing a relationship is how you free yourself from being a victim. You are no longer tethered to the person who hurt you. They no longer take up space in your garden or your house or whatever place they have occupied. Releasing a relationship with someone in your family or someone you see often is more difficult, of course, than it would be with an acquaintance, but you still get to decide if you want to renew or release the relationship.

I want to share another thought about releasing relationships. If you still wish the other person ill, if you still tell your story as a victim, if the hot emotions of anger and fear are still present, you will probably need to continue to work through forgiveness or its alternatives before you can truly release the relationship. 

Release is not the same as avoidance. Release is a conscious, intentional decision made from a place of clarity and self-respect. It's not running away, it's choosing freedom. Is it possible to renew a relationship with someone who's gone? Perhaps they've died or perhaps they're simply no longer in your life and never will be again. Through the retelling of your story and understanding the needs of the other person, the needs they were trying to fill, however unskillfully, it is actually possible to renew your relationship through your memories. This may be particularly important with someone whom you loved. You can create a new relationship in your own mind and heart, one that holds both the truth of what happened and the truth of your continued growth and healing. 

Okay, so what if you're still stuck? It's absolutely normal and understandable that you might feel stuck. Recall your story and your hurt. What would you tell a friend who found themselves stuck? Humiliation, harm, abandonment, betrayal, trauma all leave marks on us. It's natural that we might find ourselves stuck. Being stuck is not a mark against your character, rather it's a measure of the harm. These episodes are designed to introduce you to the process of forgiveness and its alternatives.

It's hard to imagine that every injury could be wiped away like magic through our time together. Being stuck does not mean you haven't worked hard enough or aren't able to forgive or heal. The forgiveness process is different for every person and every hurt. Our deepest hurts can take the longest to heal. You might think you've forgiven someone only to have unforgiveness rise again. This is natural.

As you forgive or heal from one thing, you can move on to another. The steps will become more familiar. First, remind yourself what forgiveness is and is not. Next, tell your story as objectively as possible. Next, name your hurt and locate that pain in your body. Name those elements of dignity that were violated. You can experiment with different ways of moving forward in the process.

Finally, remember that forgiveness and healing are processes. The process takes time and it's not uncommon for unforgiveness to flare up in our body or thoughts. These flare-ups don't mean you failed. Forgiveness does not mean and should not mean that you forget what happened.

Throughout this season, I've referred to alternatives to forgiveness. What are those alternatives? As we've talked about in the last episode, an alternative is to reclaim, preserve, and restore your dignity by avoiding the reactive temptations we fall prey to when our dignity has been violated, whether it was violated many years ago or will be violated again tomorrow. This means choosing to act from your worth, whether this means choosing to act from your worth rather than from your wound. 

Part of reclaiming your dignity is radical acceptance. Radically accepting what happened is a powerful path. Acceptance does not mean condoning. It doesn't mean that you do not act to change something. It just means that you give up all hope for a better past. Instead of reconciling with a person, you reconcile with your own past and with that hurt. 

Another path is one of activism or advocacy in which you talk and act in service of other people who have faced the same harm. You don't have to attend protests and hold up signs. You can engage in quiet activism. 

You may also wish to pursue restorative justice, which we've talked about with Dan Green in episode 17. Take a listen to that episode to learn more about what this means and how it works. 

These alternatives allow you to move forward, to become the subject of your story, to make a pledge about how you will live your life from this point forward, whether the person who hurt you ever acknowledges what they did, ever apologizes, or ever changes.

So what about you? What's next for you? Where are you in your own work of understanding what happened, naming the elements of dignity that were violated, telling your story in a new way, identifying your emotions and needs? Are you ready to decide whether to renew or release the relationship with the person, people, or system who hurt you? This decision is yours and yours alone. No one can tell you which path to take. What I can tell you is that there are many paths available to you, and whether you reconcile or release, both can lead to freedom, to healing, and to the reclamation of your dignity. The question is, what do you want? What pledge will you make about how you want to live your life from this point forward?

If you're listening and realizing you're ready to make this decision, to step fully into the subject position in your story, I do have some openings for a complimentary consultation for people who feel a wholehearted yes to becoming the subject of their own story, not for staying in maybe later. You can go to www.jennifergriggs.com to schedule a free consultation. We'll look clearly at what has happened to you, what it's cost you, and what your next chapter could be. If it's right to work together, we'll begin. If not, you'll still leave with more clarity, more language, and more permission to stop abandoning yourself.

If you know someone who's struggling with this very question of what comes next after hurt, would you consider sharing this episode with them? And if this was helpful to you, please rate and review us.

Next week our producer Vanessa Aron and I will be talking about this entire season and ways to apply what you've listened to. We'll also preview Season 6. Thank you as always for listening and we'll see you next time.

This has been The Dignity Lab with Dr. Jennifer Griggs.

If you have experienced a dignity violation or have a dignity dilemma and want to be a guest on our show, contact us through our website, www.thedignitylab.com. Guests may remain anonymous. 

And If you’re a leader wanting to up level your leadership with a small community of like-minded people, visit our website thedignitylab.com to learn more about the Dignity Lab (yes, the same name), our group program for leaders.

Our website and the show notes have downloadable resources that you can access from anywhere.

More information about any of our guests can be found in show notes for that episode. 

This season of The Dignity Lab is produced by me, Vanessa Aron. Pete Carty is our audio engineer and sound designer. Chase Miller composed our theme music.

This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. The content discussed is intended to explore and raise awareness about dignity. Sensitive topics may be discussed that could evoke strong emotions; discretion is advised, and listeners are encouraged to engage with the material with empathy."

Remember, “...be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the Universe, no less than the trees and the stars.”