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The Path To Leadership
We podcast about strong leaders, loyal employees, avoiding burnout, and raising profits building strong cultures. Everyone is a leader, but the path isn't always easy. Developing critical skills to build stronger, more successful and profitable organizations.
The Path To Leadership
How To Turn Your Office Grouch Into Your Greatest Ally
Ever wonder why some people always seem to have a dark cloud over their head at work? Rather than avoiding them, I've made it my mission to sit next to the grumpiest person in every room. What I've discovered might surprise you.
Behind almost every scowl and crossed arm lies a story—of being overlooked, having ideas dismissed, feeling powerless, or experiencing workplace trauma. Grumpiness isn't an identity; it's a signal. It's often easier and safer to appear annoyed than vulnerable, especially when past attempts at engagement have led to disappointment.
The magic happens when we approach these colleagues with genuine curiosity instead of judgment. "What's happening?" "How can I support you?" These simple questions can transform relationships and uncover valuable perspectives. Those grumpy teammates often see problems others miss and become your fiercest advocates when they finally feel heard and respected.
For leaders, these connections represent untapped potential. The colleagues everyone avoids could become your best problem-solvers and culture carriers once they trust again. For those who recognize themselves as "the grumpy one," remember that your current emotional state doesn't define you—it's a signal worth investigating, not a permanent home.
Through personal stories of both supporting grumpy colleagues and wrestling with my own periods of disengagement, I share practical strategies for building bridges across emotional divides. Your grumpiness might be your armor, but it doesn't have to be where you live.
Ready to transform workplace relationships? Listen now, and consider your homework: intentionally engage with someone who seems a little grumpy this week, listen without trying to fix anything, and see what unfolds.
Follow Catalyst Development on LinkedIn @catalystdevelopment and @drkatieervin
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Hi everyone, welcome back to the Path to Leadership. Hope you are doing well. Today. I want to talk to you about something a little different, but if you've spent any time around me, you've heard me say this I love the grumpiest person in the room. I love to sit next to that person. I will identify them and go and sit down. Now I will say people hear me say that and then they're like is that why you sat next to me? Is it because I'm grumpy? Not always, not always, but especially when I'm working with teams. I just think it is a real signal that their grumpiness is not the whole story. What is going on? So we're going to dive into why grumpiness happens, how leaders and teammates can support those who are struggling and why you should never avoid the grumpy people in the room. And if you're the grumpy person, we're going to talk about how you turn that corner. So let's jump right in.
Speaker 1:So why are people grumpy? There's a reason most of the times. Now I'm going to say sometimes people just don't know how to be happy. Sometimes people are grumpy and they just don't know how to get past that, but a lot of times there's a reason. They're either hurt or frustrated, they're disappointed. They may feel overlooked or feel powerless. There's usually something that has caused this, because it's really a defense mechanism. It can be safer to look annoyed than it does to look vulnerable. It's safer to be grumpy and push everyone away than to open up and let someone in. And some people you know just truly don't know how to move past their grumpiness because it's become their default setting. It's just who they are. We've talked before about growth mindset and fixed mindset, and a lot of times these grumpy people in the room fall into this fixed mindset and they don't know how to get out of it. Sometimes they don't even realize that they're sitting in it. But that doesn't mean that we can't change it. I have so many stories over times of grumpy team members that I have sat next to and listened to their stories, and their stories typically go something like this Several years ago I brought up new ideas and I was dismissed and discounted, and then later someone brought up the same idea and they were celebrated for it. Or I've been asking for help on this project and I'm not getting any support or feedback. Nobody's listening to me, nobody cares about me. I just feel like the organization doesn't care whether I'm here or not, it could feel like they were mistreated by a bad boss or a bad coworker and nobody stepped in to help, support, be there for them. So there's a lot of stories that I've heard through my career about grumpy people and I find that that's an opportunity to really sit down and understand.
Speaker 1:It's so easy to avoid the grumpy people. It feels like self-preservation. We don't want to get drug into their grumpiness, we don't sometimes want to be connected with their grumpiness, but what if, really, that person, what they need is connection the most? What if they feel so alone and so isolated and so hurt that really what they need is someone to be there, to care, to support and I say this all the time and it's not my phrase, but we've heard this hurt people. Hurt people. When we are hurting, when we are feeling bad, when we are feeling lonely, when we're feeling sad insert feeling here. Sometimes it's easier, instead of being vulnerable, to just lash out at others. And so when we really lean in with empathy, not judgment, when we really start to hear their stories, hear their hurt, hear their despair, hear whatever emotions and feelings they're feeling, we can start building trust and we show them that they're not invisible, and I've had people in my career say oh my gosh, you need to stay away from that person. They will not just stab you in the back, they will stab you in the front, they will take you out at the legs, and to me that's an invitation of well, let's hear their story, what is going on? And so typically it is the grumpiest people in the room that I make the deepest connections with. It's the grumpiest person on the team that I'm able to build the deepest level of trust, and it's because I genuinely care about them. It's not that I just care that they're grumpy, but I care about what is that seed in there that just keeps growing into the feelings that they're feeling? And so we really need to make sure that we're not avoiding that and that we're building the relationship and trust with them.
Speaker 1:It's often the grumpiest ones that have the most valuable insights. They see the cracks, they see the problems that others see. Sometimes we're so optimistic, or we're just not in the trenches, that we can't see what's going on, and so there's a couple of benefits to really bringing the grumpiest people on board. First is they can become our fiercest advocates when I'm bringing on a new initiative, a new program. It's like who's the person that everyone's going to be like? Well, we knew Tim wouldn't like it, or we knew Susie was going to fight against it. If I can get them on board at the beginning, then they can help me build it. They can become my best problem solvers and they can help me raise the standards. If they feel heard and respected, they can really become the cheerleaders for you, for the organization, for a project, for an initiative, and so when we lean into it, we can really build these deep relationships. So how do we do it? It's not easy. It is not easy, but it is so valuable.
Speaker 1:So first step to supporting the grumpy teammate, colleague, grumpiest person in the room, is get curious, not defensive. Really find out what's going on. Hey, I noticed you seem frustrated. What's happening? You sound in the meeting when you were talking, you sounded very hurt, uncomfortable. What are those feelings? What's going on? Uh, and sometimes it takes a while to get that out of them. Sometimes at first they're going to be like why do you care, why do you want to know? And I tell people a lot of times like I've been in your shoes. I felt the frustration, I felt the hurt I felt, the sadness. I've been the grumpy person in the room when I don't feel seen and heard, and so I want to make sure, if I can, to understand why you're feeling the feelings that I felt before, making sure that we're validating their experiences, even if we can't fix it.
Speaker 1:You know the phrase is that sounds really tough. Thank you for trusting me with that. I can't imagine the challenge you're going through. I've even told people before I can't apologize for the past that I was not here for and did not have responsibility for. However, I will commit to being your partner going forward. I will work with you to make sure that I'm helping this not happen again, or to support you when you speak up or whatever.
Speaker 1:So really offering that pathway forward is step three. What would make this better for you? How can I support you? How can I be there in your corner, whether it be in your corner standing behind you, nudging you, standing in front of you, kind of clearing the path. What does that look like? What do you need from me?
Speaker 1:And sometimes, again, if people have been grumpy for a long time, they're not going to know exactly what they need. So, being there to really support them and then give them opportunities that lead to small wins, empower them to be part of the solutions, give them suggestions, give them kind of low stake opportunities to really start dipping their toe into the water of getting out of this grumpiness, building these relationships, being heard, making these connections what are these kind of low stakes that they have a possibility of getting a win? And then making sure that you're there with them, prepping them, supporting them, putting them in a safe environment to make sure that they're not alone. And really the key to the grumpiest person in the room is making sure that they know that they're not alone, making sure that their feelings are not invalid or that other people don't care for them. A lot of times people just feel like nobody cares about me. It doesn't matter whether I'm happy or not, it doesn't matter whether I'm here or not. And obviously there's some mental health things and there's some burnout pieces and there's some engagement issues. There's pieces of this that medically, psychologically, I don't have the expertise to, but when it comes to workplace motivation, employee satisfaction, engagement, those are my areas of expertise, those are the areas that I've done the research on, those are the areas that I continue to study year over year over year and really have 27 years in this business, and what is so important here is that we have people that they feel connected to the organization, they feel like the organization cares for them and that wants them to be there, and that they have the tools and resources to be successful. Do they have the opportunity to learn and grow? Do they have the basic tools to do their job? Are there policies and procedures in place to help them be successful and to help others be held accountable? What does that look like? Are they being held accountable for their behaviors and actions? And then are they allowed to do their job? Are they allowed the autonomy?
Speaker 1:Sometimes we see the grumpiest person in the room as not capable to do jobs, or we can't give them a project because they will mess it up or they will derail it or they will insert excuse here, and so we're continuing to not empower them. We're continuing to not empower them. We're continuing to disengage them, and so I really challenge you with the grumpiest person in the room, hearing their stories, hearing their hurts, hearing their feelings that can really help them move past this. So to my grumpy people that are hearing this or maybe someone sent you this and is like, hey, listen to this, it's a really great podcast. I love you, grumpy people. I recognize you. I acknowledge you.
Speaker 1:I have been the grumpy person in the room. I have had people step in and support me and pull me out of my grumpiness, and so here's a couple of things for you to think about. First of all, me out of my grumpiness. And so here's a couple of things for you to think about. First of all, recognizing your grumpiness. It's a signal. It is not your identity. Let me say that again your grumpiness is a signal. It is not your identity. The grumpy person in the room is not the label of who you are. It is a signal of the feelings, the emotions, the things that you are going through. So, first of all, you don't have to be the grumpiest person in the room period.
Speaker 1:Second is, ask yourself what's the real root of these feelings here. Are you disappointed? Are you hurt? Are you afraid? Name that feeling, and Brene Brown has a beautiful book called Atlas of the Heart. There are feelings and emotion wheels out there, and it's so important for us to really get to that root feeling or emotion. Because mad, what is mad? Are we hurt? Are we disappointed? Are we angry at a situation? What has caused us to have this feeling emotion? And so really getting down to what the real root of this is?
Speaker 1:And it's really interesting because I talk so much about you know us coming into workplace. We have big T, little T trauma we have. Some of us have had toxic bosses, some of us have had toxic work environments. Some of us have really, really shitty childhoods that you know we're thank goodness for good therapists. Shout out to my therapist that some of us knew it was a bad childhood and some of us were just now realizing it was bad, but we didn't realize how bad it was.
Speaker 1:And so we all have these layers like an onion of hurt and disappointment. And even those people that appear on the surface to be thriving the people that you know in high school were the rock stars that are the emerging leaders in our communities, the people that are on the magazine covers and that are winning all these awards they all have some level of hurt, of emotions, of sadness. Everything is not sunshine and roses all the time. You know, to counter the grumpiest person in the room, I'm also worried about the little Miss Sunshine, the one that thinks that you know rides to work on her unicorn with her purple and pink cotton candy clouds. Shit happens and it doesn't mean that we have to wallow in self-despair and we don't have to feel bad, but also we have to be open to feelings, to understand bad things happen, how we dealing with it and moving past. So. So I kind of go off a little on that because I think too, if you're the happiest person in the room all the time, are you feeling all your feelings? And if you are and you're processing them and you're super healthy in that journey, kudos, kudos, kudos. I don't see a lot of people in that and that's really interesting.
Speaker 1:So, making sure that we're, if we're the grumpiest person in the room, getting to the root of that. And then, third, give people a chance to show up for you. Don't just assume nobody cares, don't just dismiss when someone says, how are you doing? What's going on? So often, when someone says, how are you doing, we say, and that I think we just normalize that that's a reaction to have and I have worked really hard to say you know what? I'm not okay, I am tired, I am sick, I am hurt.
Speaker 1:It's funny because recently I had a friend reach out to me and say, hey, are you going to this event? And I was like you know, I'm not going to that event. And he was like why I thought this would be such a cool event for you. And I'm like, well, to be quite honest and candid with you, I'm a little hurt by the person putting on the program. The person had reached out to me to do some work with them. They had used some of my ideas and not given me credit. And it's just one of those things where it's like God, that kind of hurt my feelings and I am feeling the feels that I don't want to sit there and watch this event where this person did all of this stuff and did not Even just a text. Hey, thank you for letting me flesh out this idea with you. Or, you know, hey, circling back with you, things have changed and we're not going to use you for this event.
Speaker 1:And it really hurt because I thought this person, I were friends and I had made a lot of connections for this person, and so I realized that, you know, I was the grumpy person at this moment and so I had to really trust this, this other friend, to say here's why, here's why I'm hurt. Luckily, this friend is like I get it. I experienced some of that with this person as well. However, this is going to be an amazing event and you can come with me and we're going to have a great time, and so for me, I really had to choose action over resentment. I had to really decide that it was an amazing event and just because maybe the person was overwhelmed or busy or, you know, maybe they did just overlook me, I'm not going to let that ruin the whole experience for me.
Speaker 1:And so small things can really shift our energy, whether it's be someone's hand reaching out to us, whether it be us just saying what's hurting us. You know, just really talking about it can really help us move past some things, and so I found that to be really beneficial for me to find those trusted people that I can say it out loud Everything is not sunshine and roses for me all the time, and especially since, well, I will say, almost all of last year, since April of last year, you know, dealing with family members and things like that and then having some challenges with business because of dealing with family members. Things in October, november and December last year got really, really, really hard for me and I found that I was becoming not just grumpy, but I was becoming really really sad and distraught, and so, luckily for me, people didn't just walk away. They just really leaned in to get me the help and support I needed, because I know that I could have spiraled into a really bad place.
Speaker 1:And think about that when we think about work and we think about grumpiness. It could be that someone is disengaged, that they're not doing a job, that we're not inviting them to meetings, but if it continues to spiral and someone feels so alone, even if they're surrounded by family, you know what is that for their life? You know what does that give to them? And I always, when I see someone who's so unhappy, I just want to put my arms around them and I'm so thankful for the people that did that for me when I need it most. So just remember, you don't have to stay stuck. You're allowed to be more than the grumpy version of yourself.
Speaker 1:I think about the chat, gpt or the AI, superheroes or action figures that are going around. You know, think about that right now, like, think about what your grumpy action figure looks like and what are you armored with? Like, what are the things that are protecting you, that I tease some of my clients actually many of them that they have this hard candy shell and they're not letting people into the ooey gooey goodness on the inside. And so what is that, what? What is that in your you know toolkit that that you're putting up? Is it shields? Is it weapons? Is it you know headphones? So you're blocking out everybody else? And then what does the happy, engaged, supported action figure look like? Because your grumpiness may have been your armor, but it doesn't have to be your home, it doesn't have to be where you live, it doesn't have to be where you are all the time.
Speaker 1:So, whether you're loving the grumpiest person in the room or working to stop being the grumpiest person, it all comes down to empathy, courage and the belief in change. Don't give up on people and don't give up on yourself. Thank you so much for joining me on this path to leadership. I hope this made you think about someone, or maybe yourself, that you can share this with. That you can spread a little more understanding and a little less judgment in every room we walk into. I also want to say thank you to all of those who have subscribed to the podcast.
Speaker 1:I say this all the time this podcast is such a joy for me to do. It's really a passion project, and so even if I had very few listeners, it would still make me so happy. But knowing that you all are out there listening, that you're sharing, that it is around the world I've said this before the second largest population of people listening to the podcast are in Munich Shout out, germany. I just I really appreciate everyone who is is listening and and sharing. So your homework for the week is to intentionally engage with someone who seems a little grumpy, listen without fixing and see what happens. Thank you for joining me on the path to leadership and I will talk to you next time. Have a great day.
