John Remembers Ralph De La Rosa

In this special and deeply personal episode, John Clarke pays tribute to the late Ralph De La Rosa — a gifted author, meditation teacher, musician, and trauma survivor whose voice and message left an indelible mark on the healing community. Through reflections, audio clips, and emotional commentary, John revisits their original interview and shares the impact Ralph had on his life and work. Together, they explore trauma, IFS, Buddhism, and the power of radical self-compassion.

Key Takeaways

• What if healing isn’t about fixing yourself? Ralph shares a radically different view of healing — one that doesn’t start with what’s broken, but with what’s already whole inside of you.
• Can playfulness be your secret to peace? Discover how reclaiming joy and spontaneity might be the missing ingredient in your emotional healing.
• Is your “Self” even really yours? Ralph and John explore a mind-expanding perspective on identity, self-energy, and the mysterious overlap between IFS and Buddhist philosophy.

About Ralph De La Rosa

Learn more about Ralph and his work:
 🌐 Website: ralphdelarosa.com
📚 Outshining Trauma on Amazon
📱 Instagram: @ralphdelarosa108

Resources & Offerings:

➡️ Download my FREE IFS Resource Library - Get access here: https://go.johnclarketherapy.com/ifs-resource-library-youtube

➡️ Free Training - Learn how to integrate the principles of IFS into your therapy practice: https://go.johnclarketherapy.com/ifs-webinar-podcast
➡️ Register for a FREE IFS Training "From Burnout to Balance": https://go.johnclarketherapy.com/ifs-webinar-podcast
➡️ 1-Month Grace Period with Jane – Use code JOHN or visit: https://meet.jane.app/john-clarke-ambassador
➡️ 10% Off at Grounding Well – Use code GWJOHNCLARKE or visit: https://www.groundingwell.com/GWJOHNCLARKE
➡️ 10% Off at Dharma Dr. – Use code JOHN or visit: https://dharmadr.com/JOHN

Connect with me:

https://www.johnclarketherapy.com/
https://www.instagram.com/johnclarketherapy/
https://www.tiktok.com/@johnclarketherapy
https://www.youtube.com/@johnclarketherapy

Transcript

0:00

when you start to see that everybody has it and that the earth has it, and that trees have it, that this is really kind of the energy that is behind our vitality that makes everything live and grow. You start to realize calling it "self" is a misnomer. Going Inside is a podcast on a mission to help people heal from trauma and reconnect with their authentic self.. Join me trauma therapist John Clarke for guest interviews, real life therapy sessions and soothing guided meditations. Whether you're navigating your own trauma, helping others heal from trauma, or simply yearning for a deeper understanding of yourself, going inside is your companion on the path to healing and self-discovery. Download free guided meditations and apply to work with me one-on-one at John clarketherapy.com therapy.com. Thanks for being here. Let's dive in Hey everyone. Thanks for tuning in. This is gonna be a unique episode. A number of months ago I had the privilege of hosting Ralph De La Rosa on the podcast. This was my first time meeting them on the podcast. And then after that we actually connected through Instagram over our love of music and a lot of shared interests from. Rock punk rock emo music, growing up, up on the same types of music and being a musician as well. And the reason I'm doing this video is very tragically Ralph passed recently. And so I have just been trying to think of some small way that I could honor Ralph's voice and their work and legacy. And so this is my way of, I'm trying to do some small part in that. So Ralph wrote a book called Outshining Trauma, A New Vision of Radical Self-Compassion. It's really about integration of Buddhism and IFS. So that's a lot of what the interview was about. It is a very good book. The Forward is by Dick Schwartz. And, Ralph brought so much of their humanity and wisdom and humor to the work and was very much an activist as well. And so I just wanted to revisit this episode and yeah, talk about Ralph and their work. So that's what we're doing today. So if you're watching the video version, I've got it pulled up. If you're on audio, I'm gonna play some of this interview with Ralph and react. And yeah, I'll give you , my whole story is out there everywhere online, but to give you the synopsis, I'm a trauma survivor. I'm multiple complex trauma survivor. A lot of bullying growing up, dad abandoned my family. Just to give you a brief inventory and, the bullying became. Severely violent in high school to the point where I dropped out and just internalized the story of I'm a nobody. I belong in the gutter. And also that was one part of me and I had another part that was a spiritual seeker and yo, this cannot be it. This cannot be why we're here. To just get banged up and then to pass that on to others around us. And through young adulthood there was a. Big exploration with both drugs and spirituality simultaneously and a view that both were the same thing. They were like a way out where that made you feel better and put you in control of your emotions, right? And yeah, neither of those things checked out. Yeah, and then that just got worse and worse until I hit bottom and had to get serious about some things and then in getting serious about some things, having to go to rehab and this, having a trauma therapist and discovering Buddhist meditation, which. Isn't about a way out actually. It's about a way in and through and, and doesn't offer you at least the form that I started exploring doesn't really offer you too much. Just yo, make friends with yourself, yeah. That was really the origin. And then here we are 20 years later from that moment somehow, and I just planned on being a broke social worker forever, working with kids. It was a good path., Not sustainable path, but a noble one. And somehow my work just started getting attention. As a meditation teacher first, and then the offer to start writing books just came at a moment yeah, so some things that stand out about Ralph was their vulnerability, which that word. Maybe it starts to lose its meaning over time. That really strikes me. And actually, I remember hearing Ralph talk about their story, especially in their book, and I thought many times, start reading the book, man. I wish I could be so brave and courageous as to put more of my personal story out there. So much of my training has been about how to not get in the way of the work and how to take self-disclosure as a therapist very seriously and conservatively if that, and I think there's a. Good reason for that especially when you're a newer therapist and learning what to share and what not to share and what risks to take in your sharing. Sometimes it can deepen the work sometimes. It can create barriers in the work. But I really appreciated throughout the book and this interview Ralph's honesty and candor around their background, their struggles with addiction, and how if IFS and Buddhism helped them find their way through it all. That has really stood out and that's something I think about when I think about Ralph. Let's skip around a little bit and see. What else we get into? And also, one thing I'll say that has blown my doors open about IFS is the discovery, that healing isn't necessarily a process of checking off a bunch of boxes of what's wrong or addressing symptoms per se. It's actually the byproduct of getting to know yourself at, in a very deep way and at an increasingly granular level. Little bit at a time, of course, but get to know yourself in a profound way in the atmosphere of curiosity and compassion. Yeah, and the healing just unfolds around you and to me that's just so much more doable than like the list approach or the, addressing symptoms approach. Ralph's love of IFS was really obvious and contagious, and that's something that was impressed upon me as well, and an excitement that I. Really share. I think a lot of people in the IFS community have a tremendous love for the model, for the work, for Dick. And Ralph was no different. And was very much on a mission to bring the model to more people I know to both their therapy clients as well as through their kind of personal brand work with the book, being on podcasts going around and giving talks. I know Ralph had just finished up a tour going around the country to talk about the new book and doing these dharma. Talks and had facilitated an online circle doing these dharma talks, integrating IFS and Buddhism. So really just talking the talk and walking the walk to say the least. Hey, if you're a therapist, I want to help you deepen your client work, help them get better results without burning yourself out. You can do all this by learning to harness the power of IFS. So I want to tell you, we've got a free IFS resource library that you can download. Now, this is full of resources like my Quickstart Guide to IFS, the full IFS protocol, a bunch of demos of me doing IFS. With real people and, , extra self-care practices for therapists. You can get all this for free in the link in the description, and I hope you enjoy. Let's see what else, Go down the line of things that make an adult life really work. And then those two things, being able to coexist. So you're in your childlike, spontaneity and wonder, but you're not an idiot and you are in your full maturation as an adult, but you haven't shut down. You know what I think is like the really good stuff in life? Like a part of me says it feels like a rare combo. I remember when I was in high school and I had a lot of. Issues as a kid, as a teenager. And I got in a lot of trouble and my therapist was literally saved my life. And, but I remember even as a high schooler, parts of me felt very serious. Like I had to be really responsible. Other parts of me fought that and rebelled quite significantly. And even a few years out of high school, I would go back and see my therapist at home and. A couple years into college, he told me, you know what you need, like your homework is to go home and just play. Whatever that means. Do something without an objective and for whatever reason, and all my parts and my managers had just become so obsessed with advancing myself or a skill, or even for me as a musician, been playing drums since I was 10 at times. Drums, playing drums has been ruined for me. Every time I sit down, either my parts are too loud and they won't let me play, and I just think I suck and I'm not advancing. And if I can't be the best jazz drummer in the world, why do it? Or I think it's only I have to be doing productive things, right? Like I have to be advancing myself as a drummer. And the past few years I've been really trying to. Just play. And my 4-year-old daughter is a great inspiration for that.'cause the first time I put her behind a drum set, she just plays and experiments and thinks it's cool and holds the sticks in a weird way. And just loves what she's playing. And I'm just like standing there with my mouth open, being like, I used to do this. And then being like, my new goal is to play drums tonight. And like just play, just make sounds and be as playful as possible. And it's so hard for me. Yeah. Yeah. So you're good at the mature aspect, right? Yeah. The rudiments, the progression, et cetera. That's right. And then the childlike aspect needs to be reclaimed. I'm the opposite. I say, Former metal goth. Punk kid here as well. And I'm drummer also. And I currently sing and play guitar in a post punk band. And, i'm the opposite. I actually don't know the notes that my guitar strings are tuned to. Yeah. I don't know the names of chords. I have no training. I'm doing vocal training now. But that's the first time I've ever really had consistent lessons and. 30 years of music and so I'm too good at the childlike aspect and need to bring in some more of the bruster. We should probably jam then. That's probably what that means. But there was a time in my life where like I can relate, you know where I first read and I can't remember where that play is the opposite of anxiety. And this is pre discovering IFS and I was like, holy shit. Yeah. The only thing I ever do for fun is go out for drinks with friends. That's the only laughter in my life that is something that's oriented around alcohol and yeah, we gotta work on that. Yeah, totally. It's also that you can, we can't be in curiosity and also anxious, right? And so when we're helping clients connect with their self energy and just even asking directly, can you cultivate just a seed of curiosity inside and see what happens that is a way to. Work from anxiety to feel more calm, to feel less anxious, which is what most people want, right? But so much of therapy is about coming in and tamping down the symptoms and just breathe more, which is a way of saying can be a way of invalidating. Our fears or anxiety are saying, don't be ridiculous. Just breathe. Everything's fine. Or a lot of the messages from our well intending parents of just breathe, you'll be fine. I'm sure nothing bad will happen at school. It's but you don't know. And our parts are waiting for they're waiting for that reassurance or they're at least waiting for the reassurance that regardless of what happens at school I'm with you. And we can get through this together. That's powerful. That's powerful when somebody can provide you that and if you didn't get it from your parents, hopefully you can get it from a therapist and you can also become that for your parts inside, right? Yeah. I don't know what's gonna happen. I don't know whether, I don't know half of what's going on in life. That's something a lot of people are terrified to admit, but it's true. Yeah. None of us really know what to do. All we have is trial and error and what we figured out so far. But I'll be here. Like another definition of I think being self-led or that enlightenment within reach is like the cultivating a genuine, heartfelt sense of. I always have me, no matter what goes down, I got me.. The only guarantee.. Ralph's commitment to the model and the mission was really clear to me. Also, Ralph had a really great voice for radio or podcasting. Ralph would. Start talking and you just can't help but listen and be soothed by by that deep voice. So that's something else that I I'm thinking about. Let's play a little more, and in the Buddhist, in the, and really in the Indo Tibetan sense, we'll say Samsara is endless. Samsara is, in other words, we're not gonna fix the world, we're not going to get there. This the human condition of fundamental confusion and frankly, having nervous systems that aren't wired for the 21st century. We, we have Hunter gather nervous systems that is where we are evolutionarily. So we're mismatched for this world, and yet we also have the principle of the Bodhi Safa in Buddhism. And there's even a Bodhi Safa vow that one might take at a particular point in their journey. And the Bodhi Safa principle is. You literally vow to keep being reborn in this world and to not transcend this world until all the suffering is gone, and in that value, even acknowledge that it's going to be endless. And so you're vowing to not transcend this planet, to not leave any beings behind, even though it's impossible. Whoa. Yeah, I think that really speaks to our situation right now. It's even though like it's never been more dark, honestly, and even though it feels so impossible, even though there's so many shards of glass rushing towards us right now, we can still. Make a pledge like, no I'm gonna stand here. I'm gonna stand here. I'm not, and I'm gonna be with my feelings about this and I'm gonna process, but I am going to stand up and I'm going to work towards what I believe to be right and what I believe to be the compassionate resolution of this. No matter how impossible it feels, no matter how powerless I feel, no matter how minuscule the change that I perceive, that I affect is, that's still worth it to me because I'm in this one for the long haul. Yeah, man. What a. Voice and a message that Ralph had. It's almost like Ralph was born to do this and was born to talk and teach and profess there's some people that you just start listening to and you really wanna listen to them and see what they're gonna say next. And I remember when I was reading Ralph's book for the first time, I had a sense that they are. Very intelligent and know a lot about a lot and know a lot about IFS and a lot about Buddhism. And not that it's about knowing a lot necessarily, but I just had a sense that Ralph's commitment to it all was quite deep. That really stood out to me. Let's play a little bit more and it doesn't have a fixed set of traits. Yeah. It can be calm, it can be curious, it can be playful. It could, it, it gives rise to a wide array of things. And it's a dynamic force. It's not just like some fixed state thing. It just, it, we open to it and it begins to exert its influence quite effortlessly within the system. But it's not a little person inside of you, that's the real you. It's more fluid than that. And when you start to see that everybody has it and that the earth has it and that trees have it, that this is really the energy that is behind our vitality that makes everything live and grow. You start to realize calling it "self" is a misnomer. Yeah, exactly. It ain't personal. It's you. So no self. That's a really good answer. So this was Ralph talking about this idea of self or in, in Buddhism, no self. Basically like transcending self and the expansiveness of I. The definition of self, which is something I've talked about on the show and done at least one particular episode about it. Because I think one thing I really love about the model is we can develop and create our own definitions of self. And I think we should do that. That's part of the beauty of it and the permissiveness of the model to adapt it into your own worldview and idea of what is. Self and self-energy. And in, in their book, Ralph does a really good job of explaining this idea of no self and how it actually pairs quite well with the IFS concept. Of self. Yeah. We'll play a little more and then wrap up here, So here's a matter of semantics where just, a kind of turn, a phrase sometimes can help us understand a concept in a different way. I think about it as offering the heart. Can you offer the heart to that part of you that's, can you appreciate its struggle that alcoholic part of you is in hell it, that it can't get out and it thinks this is the only way. Doesn't that break you open a little bit for that,. Offering the heart, yeah. Is love, but our concepts about love are just . Sometimes very confusing . To apply. That might be as good a note as I need to end this episode on again, going branching off of these ideas of self and self-energy. And really coming back to this core concept of love and bringing love from self to the parts of you that need it. To me, that's the model in a nutshell. And one of my favorite ways to actually describe it, so you can hear Ralph describing it there. I'm really grateful I got to know Ralph in a limited capacity and got to help promote their work in some limited capacity. And out of all the amazing people and voices we've had on this show I'm just really lucky to do this and meet people like Ralph. And so I. Yeah, certainly grieving that, that loss and that connection and that that leader in the IFS community. And one way you can . Further connect with their work is , listening to the full interview that I did with Ralph, I think a couple months ago, and also checking out their book, Outshining Trauma, A New Vision of Radical Self-Compassion. Really good book. And if you are a practitioner, a good book for your clients as well. Again my small way of commemorating Ralph here today and, , we'll leave it there for now. Thanks for tuning into this unique episode for spending some time with me around this and Ralph's work and , I appreciate you being here and hope you take care of yourself. Alright, see you in the next one. Thanks for listening to another episode of Going Inside. If you enjoyed this episode, please like and subscribe wherever you're listening or watching, and share your favorite episode with a friend. You can follow me on Instagram, YouTube, and TikTok at John Clarke Therapy and apply to work with me one-on-one at Johnclarketherapy.com. See you next time.