119: Overgiving Trap! Confessions of An Overgiver Turned Boundary Badass

If you’ve ever walked away from a hangout feeling like you just donated a pint of blood, we made this one for you. We’re talking about the overgiving trap, that sneaky pattern where “I’m just being kind” turns into over-functioning, people pleasing, and quietly training others to give you less than you need. 

We unpack the clear red flags: always initiating, saying yes when you mean no, tolerating ghosting, and feeling resentful or underappreciated afterward. From friendships to family dynamics to shared households, we explore how imbalanced roles form by default, why renegotiating can feel so hard, and how conflict avoidance can slowly erase your sense of what you even want. We also go deeper into the nervous system side, including conditional love, safety wiring, and the fawn response as a trauma pattern that can keep you performing for belonging. 

Then we pivot into tools you can actually use. We share how to define your relationship “buy box” so you know what reciprocity looks like in real life, not in fantasy. We talk about testing the dynamic by pulling back, making clean requests, and choosing based on evidence instead of hope, especially in dating and long-term partnership. Our core takeaway is simple: your worth is intrinsic, your needs are allowed, and the right relationships will meet you halfway. 

If this resonates, listen through, share it with a fellow overgiver, and then subscribe, leave a review, and tell us: where do you need more reciprocity right now?

Follow Coach Polly @getbusythriving and Coach Sam @thesamanthapruitt 

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Transcript

Welcome And The Overgiving Trap

Polly Mertens 0:12

Hey superstars, welcome back. Polly here. Sam Pruitt. What's up, beautiful humans? Right. Today is the overgiving trap. How to invest in relationships that actually reciprocate.

Samantha Pruitt 0:26

Overgiving people. Overgiving, dude, right? Overgiving.

Polly Mertens 0:31

Yeah. Yeah. And you know, one of the things that led to this. So the the idea is like, you don't get in relationships what you deserve, you get what you accept, is what I've like. I just want to summarize that in the beginning, and we're going to unpack that. Um, this doesn't show up as much for you, but I like as we were studying for this, I was like, oh my God, that's me. Oh my god, that's me. So there's there's a lot that I've learned as we've prepared for this.

Samantha Pruitt 0:56

Um about yeah, and I wouldn't say I don't do those things, or that's not a thing for me, but mine are more generally oriented towards family dynamics, or I mean, I have children, I have grandchildren, I have a spouse, I have extended family, blah, blah, blah. Right. So mine will end up will show up in those places more. Yeah. Um, work and friends and all that. Oh, hell no, I'm damn good at those boundaries. I'm decent at the other boundaries, family unit stuff, um, but nowhere near as good because that shit takes some work. And I know anyone listening, some relationship in their life, if not many, many, would fall into this category. And we were talking about before we went on air, it's so much in the conditioning of society norms and whatever your family's belief systems or structure might have been growing up. And then it comes into, you know, church and school, and like it starts to just roll out from there.

Polly Mertens 2:01

Yeah. I think the key word is like the conditioning, right? Conditioning. Yeah, conditioning your nervous system. And I mean, it makes sense, you know, all of your behaviors and your expressions are, you know, part of your identity or how, you know, the framing, the belief systems that you have underlying everything. That's how you see the world, your experience, how you show up for things is like, are you an overgiver? Okay, why are you an overgiver? Well, I believe that you know everybody has to like me and you know it's not safe unless, you know, whatever. Like there's these things that we're gonna unpack today. And so, yeah, that conditioning as a child, you root that, and then it just shows up bigger and bigger, whether you like it or not. Like, you know, you're sometimes like, why am I doing this again?

Samantha Pruitt 2:40

Right. Yeah, yeah. A lot of families indoctrinate their family members and children in this way, a lot of schools do, a lot of religions do. Um, there's a lot of environments we all get exposed to where it's like this is not just glamorized and sort of rewarded or re-um, you know, perpetuated or whatever, like there's a cycle of it, but it just becomes if we don't subscribe to it and live by that sort of way of being in the world, then people will guilt trip us, judge us, you know, there'll be negative. Maybe we won't be safe, maybe we'll be rejected, maybe we won't get what we need, all those things. So it's a real thing, and we all need to have a conversation about it. You were talking with somebody, and that's how it sort of came into your radar.

Polly Mertens 3:31

Yeah, I'll give you the context of where, you know, this this idea and then overgiving was like the theme, but there's a lot inside this episode that we're gonna unpack today that is just like, oh my god, we could talk about that, we can talk about that, we can talk about that, you know, like boundaries is part of it, and people pleasing and low self-worth

The Art World Rejection Story

Polly Mertens 3:45

or whatever. So having a conversation last weekend, uh, it was a group of friends, and one gal was sharing how she's a um uh high-end art dealer, right? And so she was at these posh events in LA, and um, this particular interior designer that she's seen at events previously. There was like, I don't know, months leading up to this, it sounds like she'd go to a you know an art gallery thing or an art, you know, art, art, art, whatever stuff, and she'd meet this interior designer, and then she's like, Oh yeah, hey, we should have coffee, let's get together. And she'd call her that week and she wouldn't call her back. And she was like, hmm, and then she'd see her like the next week or next month or something, and again, so this perpetuated. And so this the prior week prior, you know, she's like, I don't know what's going on here. She tells me when we're in person, like, yeah, let's get together. And then I call her and she doesn't return my call. And then she's and she and the interior designer's like, Oh, I forgot, I'm so sorry, you know, and it's like over and over again, right? And so I'm like, hold up, right? Like, why are you, you know, why are you wanting to reach out to this person so much? What what is it you're trying to establish, you know? And what's the chase about? Exactly, exactly. And what's coming out in the way she's expressing it is like the the tone and the delivery of it is like something's wrong with me. Like, why doesn't she like me? Why does she keep you know, she's trying to understand what she's doing wrong?

Samantha Pruitt 5:12

Where this is immediately takes it as personal rejection, yes, and that it's something in her. Yeah, yeah.

Polly Mertens 5:20

Yeah, like I have to adjust, I have to adapt, I have to do something different for this person to like me. What and then I was like, Well, hold up, I'm all you know, and one of the things that spilled out as a part of like her subconscious was, wow, I think I just want everyone to like me, you know. I just want everyone to like me. And I was like, Oh hell no, that's like a low standard. That's like perfection. It's like you'll never have everyone like you'll never achieve perfection. So let's unpack that and untangle that to start, right? So that's where this started. And then I was like, mm-hmm. And then, you know, always in these conversations, if I see something in them, I'm like, okay, why am I seeing it? Like there's something over here.

Samantha Pruitt 6:00

How do I relate to it?

Polly Mertens 6:01

Yeah, yeah. And and in the moment I was able to give her a lot of great, like, no, like believe in herself and like no, why you don't have to chase this woman. And, you know, your friends, you know, people that are meant for you will absolutely, you know, want they'll reciprocate, right? Not not, oh, I forgot, you know, over and over again. So I was able to, you know, speak that. And then I was like, hold up, where am I doing any of this in my life? You know, and then take a step back. And as we prepared for this episode, I was like, oh shoot, there's there's things in this for me. So one of the things I wanted us to, you know, put out there in the let's call it the category of overgiving or like the the red flags, like the telltale signs that you're doing it. Because when I saw these, I was like, okay, that would be me in a lot of you know, intimate relationship and relationship with my mom. I see this. So I just want to put them out there. We'll talk about the five like red flags if that's happening for you, unless there was something else you wanted to ask about that story.

Samantha Pruitt 7:00

Well, you said uh what seemed to come about through this dialogue that the two of you had and her sharing, I love her candidness and her willing to inquire within herself as to what was going on here. Um, uh a needing or a wanting to be liked. Is that how she sort of terms it? And I see it show up a lot as a wanting to be wanted or a wanting to be needed. Yeah, I see that a lot as well. Um, and they're all similar, right? But the listener might identify with, okay, if they like me, they don't, or whatever. But in other relationships, I have such a need to be needed or wanted to provide value, deliver value to that relationship in whatever way, shape, or form, so I can be valued, so I will be seen as valuable. So that's another way that it can show up. And basically we're talking about the same damn thing, but it can show up in different ways. So I just want to kind of throw that into the mix.

Polly Mertens 8:00

And I just raise my hand, I'm like, wow, I have been doing that subconsciously. You're you're absolutely right. Like, and not I I don't look at it that way. It's like, oh, I just care about people. I'm being kind, right? Like you think what is behind it is a generousness, but it's a neediness, actually, you know, or it shows, and I think part of one of the things when I was, you know, studying this topic is they were saying people who like are too available, they're just like insecure. Like you just see, you know, if they're too available, they're always there, they're chasing you, they're like, How are you? You know, always up, you know, up in your business or whatever. You're like, get a life, you know.

Samantha Pruitt 8:39

So it's a it's a it could just be a proving ground situation. Um, like in work environments, this can show up of like you have a bunch of skills, you're pretty smart at this or that, or whatever, you're in a work team environment or with a boss or whatever, where you just keep like trying to deliver the goods and show I'm yeah, I have a direct example of a group I'm working with right in a work environment where like there's this posturing and this dynamic going on with the staff where they're all trying to like deliver the goods for like let me show you how valuable I am, let me show you my skill set. And there's just it's creating all this conflict and dysfunction. Ultimately, I'm holding leadership responsible for creating an environment where people aren't being seen, being respected. We don't even understand what their skills are, right? So they're being kind of like forced to awkwardly like socially go against each other and compete and throw each other under the bus trying to make themselves. Like parent's favorite child or something like that. Yes, totally that kind of weirdness can happen really easily. It's pretty common. Again, coming sort of from this same root place of like, I want to be seen as valuable. I want to contribute here. I want you to recognize my strengths.

Polly Mertens 9:55

Yeah.

Samantha Pruitt 9:56

I want you to see my value.

Polly Mertens 9:58

Yeah. And we'll talk about like how we talk about the conditioning. We'll we'll share in a few moments about like how it gets conditioned in some of the ways, right? You know, I'm sure there's everybody's unique, but so I just want to lay out the like the five red flags of let's just call it over overgiving, you know. Like if any of this resonates, put whatever label you want on it for yourself. But that's what we're labeling it the overgiving trap.

Five Red Flags Of Overgiving

Polly Mertens 10:20

So um, you're always the one initiating, right? Like you're the one, like, hey, let's do this. Hey, you're the you know, so you're always the one initiating. You say yes when you mean no. And sometimes that's you know, we all do that sometimes, but like you do it more often than you want to. They ghost you or they just don't reciprocate. Like it's not equal, it's not um mutual, right? Whatever that is, energy, time, thinking of you, gifts, whatever, you know. Gen, you know, hey, let me buy lunch, you buy lunch, you know, or acts of service. You know, I was thinking about this with the five love languages, you know, those acts of service, right? Type thing, it can be super imbalanced. You feel resentful after helping. Mm-hmm.

Samantha Pruitt 11:03

Yeah, that's that's so yucky feeling.

Polly Mertens 11:06

Yeah. So just knowing like, as this any of this resonating, you're like, oh dang, that one that one hit me, right?

Samantha Pruitt 11:14

So and more subtle can be just feeling underappreciated. Yes, right? That can be really subtle. Yeah in many environments, it shows up there, it's kind of sneaky, it's not so painfully obvious as the ones you're throwing out.

Polly Mertens 11:29

Well, you were telling the story, and I think this is true for a relationship I've been in, where like the dynamics of like the household, like you know, like maintaining the household or something like that, right? And so you're saying, you know, if somebody you were, and you can bring up the example with your grandson who's now in your household, and how the balance of so I was like, well, you know, I used to make the breakfast, the lunch, the dinners, the cleaning, you know, got the cars all fixed, uh, did the book, you know, like planned the vacation. I mean, like, huge majority of, like you said, let's say running the household or being part of the team, right?

Samantha Pruitt 12:07

Yeah, in your partner relationship. We're not talking about with young children, you know, where you think, okay, when the children are young, you're obviously doing a lot more of their responsibilities. And then over time, this is a thing called parenting, you train the children and you uh bring them sufficiently to become more independent and capable, right? And so they start learning their own roles and responsibilities. Ideally, you create functional human adults at some point and like balance.

Polly Mertens 12:36

In your audio, I'm not hearing you. Is it me?

Samantha Pruitt 12:38

You can't hear me? Oh, now I can hear you. Can you hear me? Can you hear me? Yeah, can you hear me now? Yeah. Oh, and now my mic is in there. How's that? Okay. Um that's a normal process of being you know, we can talk a little bit about our youth and how things cut came about that we might have these propensities, right? But what you're talking about is in a partner relationship or in a housemate relationship or whatever the might be might be, however you live your life. Many of us don't live alone. Um, you know, who is doing what can many times be unspoken. And it's interesting when you get into that relationship initially, let's call it a uh roommate or a partner situation where you're like in a shared house, for example, you might come into that wanting to really contribute. And again, show your value and show what you're capable of and deliver worth and all of those kind of things. And next thing you know, you're stuck in this cycle or this trap we're calling the overgiving trap. You're all of a sudden the one always cooking, cleaning, doing the dishes, etc., or the one who's being financially responsible, or the one who's taking care of whatever other the roles and responsibilities are in the house. And lots of people don't even have awareness that that is happening. It's just by default how it develops, and then you get stuck in the trap, right? And if you want to change that because it doesn't feel good, you feel resentment, you feel unappreciated, whatever the things are. You want to rebalance things, right? Yeah, renegotiate, you need to renegotiate that exactly. And you know, you'll hear that sometimes from parents how oh, my child doesn't appreciate anything that I do for them or whatever. They've created that dynamic.

Polly Mertens 14:34

Yeah.

Samantha Pruitt 14:35

They need to take responsibility for therefore then changing it. Yeah. And if you're not understanding so far, you are a co-creator of your experience and you have great responsibility in every relationship to generate reciprocal giving and taking and energy and balance and respect and appreciation.

Polly Mertens 14:56

Yeah, something I just wanted to double-click on what you were talking about, that imbalance in relationship and starting to negotiate. So I found, you know, at times I've been aware of like the imbalance and like try to do that negotiating. People don't want to renegotiate.

Household Imbalance And Renegotiating Roles

Polly Mertens 15:10

They're like, What are you talking about?

Samantha Pruitt 15:13

It's fine like it is. You know, like like well, first of all, they'll be in denial, won't they? A lot of times they're like, What do you mean? I take the trash out once a month. I do all this. I you know, I do all oh hell yeah.

Polly Mertens 15:25

Oh man. And yeah, that renegotiating doesn't usually go well. So I just want to say, like, do it early. Or depending on the the viability of the relationship, is it more important that they see the imbalance and go, oh my God, you're right. Oh my God. Like I remember coming and staying with you guys, and how beautiful you do a lot inside the house, and Dave does a lot outside the house. And it was just like totally accepted, and you're both thriving in. I mean, you know, I'm sure you would love to have maid service all the time, but like you're like, I'm cool, I like my house a certain way, and I want and I'll take care of it. And Dave loves to tinker outside and take care of all that stuff. And you're like, great, you take care of all that, and I'll take care of all this.

Samantha Pruitt 16:03

Yep. I want nothing to do with maintaining cars or the garden or any of those things. But my interior house is I like it a certain way, and this is how that will be going. Yeah. And that's just an agreement that we have.

Polly Mertens 16:17

So you can make these agreements, yeah. And they can look like however, you know, and if and I'm sure well, and before Dave retired, there was a lot more that he was doing outside of the house. So maybe he had a fraction of what he was able to do on the exterior of the house, or you he hired it, or whatever you guys did, however you negotiated that. But it was in partnership. It wasn't an imbalanced partnership, it was like, yeah, that that that feels equitable or that feels balanced to both of you, you know. So yeah.

Samantha Pruitt 16:48

And you'll have that with taking care of kids or pets, or like we're getting a little bit older, so now it's a taking care of our parents situation, right? We're in this really awkward group, age group now, where it's like, damn, and which generation? They're all they're ever they're on all sides.

Polly Mertens 17:07

They're just coming for us. The kids, the parents, but every, you know, they're living longer and they're growing, you know, they're not able to get out on their own. You're like, can y'all just get out and you know, do what we did as an ex, right? Like we were on our own at 16, 18, whatever. See ya, you know, bye.

Samantha Pruitt 17:25

But you know, if you don't ever think about it and create awareness and dialogue around it, even if it's just you figuring it out for yourself, let's say you do get resistance from the other players in this play, this stage play of your life, you do get resistance. So what? I don't necessarily need to have full agreement from all these people, by the way. Uh, I'll still be doing it. Like if I want to take care of myself in a certain way and have certain boundaries or have my life go a certain way, I still am gonna have agency over that. I don't need everybody to sign off on it.

Polly Mertens 18:00

Well, I want to touch on something here because if you're in the trap, which I have been, and I'm guilty of this, I just want to touch on two other things that I just thought of is one is avoiding conflict at all costs. Like not speaking up even though it felt imbalanced, you want something else, whatever. And the second one is like losing a sense of what you actually want. Like, uh, does it matter to me that you know I'm doing all of this, or wouldn't it be nice if they did this or whatever? Like you just becomes like, oh, I I just do all that. Like you take on so much of the responsibility, the overgiver, if you will, in the beginning, it's like, well, of course I'm doing all this. You it's like, do you even want to do, you know, that type of thing. So yeah. Yeah, yeah. And then I find, you know, one of the things is all of that is if you get out of that relationship, then attracting relationships where you're the giver and the other is the taker. Like, if that's how you were indoctrinated, conditioned as a child, you know, I can think of a couple of relationships of mine where that is what I've attracted. Like, you know, like a a what do they say, a victim needs a vic a victimizer, right? You know, a uh somebody who's overgiving needs a taker kind of thing. So you're gonna you're gonna you're gonna match up and go, oh, perfect. You need yeah, I can give you a lot. And yeah.

Samantha Pruitt 19:16

So and how you get into those, um, or any of these dynamics, we should pick that apart, but one specifically that you're talking about is you know, you don't really have clarity for yourself on what you are trying to attract. So, yes, now I have a grandson living with me, he's 18, but you know, he's learning how to be an adult. And the other day we just had a conversation about like what type of people he's interested in dating and what are the things he'd be looking for or what is important to him. And it was a really fun and enlightening conversation. If you haven't had one of those recently with an 18-year-old, um, it was taking some time to really get that clarity, yeah, right? Because, huh, maybe you're not gonna be.

Polly Mertens 20:01

But who's ever asked him that's probably no one, yeah.

Samantha Pruitt 20:04

Nobody, and you surely don't want to just ask your peers because what they say is not what you should immediately take on as your list, yeah, right? And it might be superficial or toxic or whatever, you don't freaking know. It's really about you and your sense of the world and your value system, etc. But many people don't take the time to either have that dialogue with somebody or themselves and get that clarity for sure, for sure.

Polly Mertens 20:32

And I want to go a little bit into the cost of it. So, you know, I want to just dig on that pain a little bit because if you if you're starting to hear some things in here, you're like, oh, I think I'm doing some of this. Like, I just want to hit a little harder on like what it's costing you, you know, and I can I can definitely um raise my hand for a bunch of these. So you attract more takers. We talked about that. So givers will attract takers, you know. You build up resentment towards people, whether the person you're helping, if it's in an intimate relationship or, you know, it could be caregiving for

Avoiding Conflict And Losing Your Wants

Polly Mertens 21:05

family members, whatever this resentment can build. We talked about you lose your identity, right? You become the helpful one, right? Like always there to help, help, help. And then it can lead to walking on eggshells to manage others' emotions, you know, because that's a big part of this. You were you feel responsible for other the other person's emotions. Like, oh, I hope, you know, because your love, that's a source of your love, your belonging, whatever, like being valued and stuff. So you're walking on eggshells, and that's just like energy. And the energy drain instead of fulfillment. Like you're expressed, you're you're you're seen, you're fulfilled, you're you know, reciprocity. So, you know, those are just some of the some of the costs. And you know, we probably didn't hit on all of them, but just knowing like what is that costing you? And is that how you want to continue living? Or can you set yourself free? And if it's a trap, there's a way out, right?

Samantha Pruitt 21:55

Like there's there's a way out of there. That last one, that energy, uh circle of energy that. Reciprocal between humans, you know, you and I are big energy people. I always perceive that um as giving blood. If it's a relationship where I feel like, God, every time I go to see this person, it's like I'm giving a pint of blood and a pint of blood and a pint of blood, right? But you're never re-generating that back into your emotional body, your physical body. It just feels like, geez, did I just give blood? You know, you feel drained, exhausted afterwards.

Polly Mertens 22:28

It doesn't feel good. Yeah. And you only want to, you know, nobody's, you're not gonna want to hang out with that. Like, no, hell no, right. So I find that some of that like erodes that self-worth, you know, like that gal with the interior designer. Like she just starts questioning, is something wrong with me? Like you start to question who you are. You get this identity confusion, maybe like, what do I even want? And why doesn't she like me? And you know, what's wrong with me? And just this this whole, you know, that and then resenting it. Like, what's you know, she's like, oh, she's snobbish or whatever. It's like, hold up, you know, not everybody's gonna like you, not everybody's your people, right? So yeah, exactly. Emotional exhaustion, let's just get rid of it all. But I want to talk a little bit about like some of the things when we research this, where this was coming from, like we talked about that condition. So, like what what's what's coming behind this, right? So um I would say for me anyway, you know, they I have this little list of love was conditional, right? So if you grew up in a household or caregivers or whatever where love was given to you conditionally, like if you are good or whatever, your needs were met with withdrawal, criticism, or punishment. Oh, you know, frame that for however you'd like in your life. So if your needs were met with withdrawal, criticism, or punishment, and emotional safety, this is key because the nervous system and our you know human survival instinct is about safety. So if our emotional safety depended on being easy, like no worries, like easy, good, or low maintenance, or like you talked about, like being invisible. Like it started to become normal for us to be easy, like be the good girl, be low maintenance, you know, um there's excellent, the quiet one. Yeah, there's this excellent TED talk that I absolutely love, um, where this gal says, you know, when there's a uh a family member that is of high needs in the family unit, whatever dynamic that is, sibling, parent, whatever, if there's someone of high needs, alcoholism, depression, um, disability, you know, something, um, that person getting attention, the sometimes the good girl shows up, like, oh no, mommy, I won't, you know, we'll take care of Bobby because he, you know, has autism or whatever it is, you know, or mommy's gut troubles, you know, disabled or depressed or emotionally un you know immature or something like that. That child begins to survive and be okay because they can be somewhat loved, or they they set signals to them. And you know, this is where I think we want to talk about that fawning. Like you you learned this, you said a year or so ago when you were doing a deep dive into the vagus nerve, right?

Samantha Pruitt 25:14

So right, because the vagus nerve, and you hear a lot about the nervous system and you hear a lot about fight or flight, especially how people live today, and everybody's constantly on cortisol overload and fight or flight, and rah-roll, right around, henny penny, the sky's falling because we're stuck on our phone all day long or whatever. Um, and then you'll hear a little bit about the polar opposite, how the nervous system will also go into, you know, basically freezing and trying to stay safe and secure through freezing itself, but it's fawn or freeze. And fawn gets left out of the conversation a lot, but it's directly linked to that, right? So the freeze is just literally frozen like an animal. You can imagine a prey is coming, they're freezing, trying to stay alive, right? This is very primal stuff that the nervous system does to help keep us safe and alive.

Polly Mertens 26:09

Yeah. And so I just want to touch on, you know, and looking, you know, doing some fact-finding for this. So fawning as a response was developed by Pete Walker. And he says it's the fourth trauma response. Like you said, fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Instead of fighting or fleeing, a person pleases, accommodating and shrinking to stay safe, right? Often develops in childhood when we have needs to um led to when when a childhood having needs led to punishment or withdrawal. The fawn response is a nervous system pattern. Stay safe by pleasing the powerful, usually the parents, right, or the caregiver. And the opposite of our healing begins when you learn that safety no longer requires what he calls self-erasure or like being invisible or withdrawing, or like, yeah, your needs. So the nervous system to adapt and at those times says, I have needs. Oh no, if I have needs, I can risk this connection

The Real Cost Of Overgiving

Polly Mertens 27:05

from the family unit, from that person that like that's my caregiver, right? Like that's huge, right? And if if I meet their needs, I stay safe. Like that's how this little dynamic gets conditioned. So think about that in you know, in your life, or somebody you care about, or somebody that you see these tendencies to of overgiving or people pleasing or over, you know, like you said, chasing or being wanted. Um, what maybe was going on in their family dynamic that it wasn't safe to have their needs met? Maybe I talk about that high needs person. It's like, oh, well, just whatever you need, right?

Samantha Pruitt 27:40

Yeah, and you know you how you always hear people talk about like what kind of where they were in the family lineage, like I was the youngest child, I was the oldest child, you know, and there's all these stories we make up around that experience. But genuinely there are experiences also in those dynamics, especially when there's multiple children, um, limited resources, or dysfunctional family environments. By the way, all of this is very normal stuff. It's not an odd thing. You know, 80% of the listeners will be like, oh, yeah, that's two out of three areas. So you can understand based on that, um, and as you're describing, where these responses would be conditioned within you, right? So it's not like casting judgment on you or your family dysfunctional dynamics. Hey, you know, welcome to the party. But like understanding that, oh, I'm this way, I do these things. We'll just use that connection you were having with that gal the other day you keep you were referencing about the art um whatever show dealers thing. Um, you know, her understanding herself is the most critical part of the conversation here. Not going after her parents on how she was raised or you know, being pissed off at her siblings because they were high maintenance and she had to, you know, she got one piece of bread and they got the whole loaf or whatever this thing is that we tell ours, all these stories, right? Like that's not what's relevant today. What is is you understanding, oh, this was my life experience. And so I was conditioned and responded in a certain way. However, I can change that now. It's no longer serving me. I don't need to continue to be in that role. Yeah, yeah. And it got created with it.

Polly Mertens 29:28

So what we I think there's a little, so there is one thing I want to give people back their power, and that's the power of choice. And what I want you to understand is sometimes people say, they did it to me, like this dynamic of parenting or this dynamic of the way that my environment was caused me to be this way. And it's not, it's what your mind as a survival instinct said, in order to survive this, I need to do this. And you forgot it because you were little, like you're little and you're just that little young brain trying to figure out how what is the hell? What is this? You know, how do I get through this, right? How'd I get into this shit show?

Samantha Pruitt 30:06

How do I survive it?

Polly Mertens 30:08

Yeah, so I just want to give you your power back. You did it then, you just were too little to remember that whatever. It's like, oh, it feels like it happened to you. Nope. You can you chose like survivally to be a certain way. We talk about those strong suits and the ways to survive, whatever, but then you grow up and you're living as if you know you're still in this family to unit or family dynamic, and so in walks an interior designer that rejects you or whatever, and it's like, oh, something's wrong with me. How do I stay in the unit? How do I belong? How do I get that person to like me or whatever? I ain't what you're trying to do anymore, you know. So good. So it's updating the nervous system, right? So you had a choice then, that's how you chose, now you can choose differently. So some of these choices, I just want to like quantify them because I think these are great. So we pulled these out before the episode is like some of the retraining sounds like you can say no and still be loved. That's not what you thought as a little four-year-old, six-year-old, eight-year-old, ten-year-old, but you are a big girl now, big boy now. Like you can say no and still be loved. You can have your needs and still belong. You can have your needs and still belong. These are just new upgrades to your operating system. You can be authentic and still be safe. That's huge to the nervous system that, like, as a child, depending on the level of severity of being ostracized or you know, how that felt, or like parents withdrawing love is one of the most painful things for children. Brutal.

Samantha Pruitt 31:37

Brutal. Right? Restricting or sucking out oxygen. Or conditioning love is poison. It's just really and as a society, not just parentally, but for us to do that to one another, our peers, our friends, um, our coworkers, our whatever, human to human, just treating each other that way is absolutely that should be criminal, but it's poison.

Polly Mertens 32:06

It's like oxygen, you know, you just suck the oxygen. So whether they did that through, you know, verbally telling you like you're not good enough, something's you know, whatever, or I don't love you, or you whatever, like verbally. Sometimes it was they've removed

Conditioning And When Love Feels Conditional

Polly Mertens 32:20

themselves, like you just stop seeing that parent, or they didn't talk to you. You know, exactly. Silent treatment. So those are like some examples of how the withholding love can look and feel and sound. So if that was going on and that's how you had love demonstrated to you was very conditional, you learned, you you adapted and said, Oh, well, then I'll over I'm here, whatever you need, and you know, your needs matter, right?

Samantha Pruitt 32:45

And you could still be living this right now with your partner. They could be doing the same freaking shenanigans. Or, I mean, let's be even brutally honest, you could be the one doing it. Yeah. Oh, do you have awareness that you are the one doing it to the partner or the child or the family member? I mean, you know, if it's a conditioning, you could be the one rolling around doing it.

Polly Mertens 33:10

That's true. That's true. Nice reframe. I like it. I like it. So, so let's talk about some of the like, all right. So now we know, you know, what it looks like, what it sucks like, how it feels to be an what's caused it. Like, okay, how do we how do we get out of this, right? Like, how do we start to to heal? And um, what what can we do? You know, what are some of the things we can do? And one of the, as I was, you know, thinking about this, this I can't think of any other better words to give this to. So I'm just gonna give an analogy of in my years of real estate investing, we have uh a term called uh buy box, right? And so in real estate, we say, okay, here's my buy box. I'm looking for this. Am I looking for a single family home or an apartment complex? Am I looking for something in the thousand thousand dollar range or million-dollar range? Am I looking for whatever, you know, so a buy box is like how do I define that? And investors get slapped when they don't stay inside their buy box, right? Like you lose money, you whatever, lose sleep, whatever, stay inside your buy box, and you define that. When I was talking with my friend the other day, and you know, I was like, I was like, hold up. This gal is demonstrating to you who she is. She's not, you know, reciprocating, she's not like following up with you, giving excuses when, you know, she she you know doesn't want to see you or does isn't, you know, reciprocating. I said, do you know what's in like I, you know, we've talked oftentimes in our other podcasts about the wheel of life, right? So in these categories of your life, if it was like a pie, one category being, let's say, friends, relationships, you know, um, community. What is a 10 for you? Like, what does it look like to have meaningful relationships or reciprocal relationships or people that care about you? How would you how would you know it if you had it, right? And I said, Do you know what that looks like and feels like? So what's your buy box in the area of friendships? And if it's this low-ass standard, like people can just like not call me back for no, no, hells no. No, hell's no. So defining your buy box, defining the relationships you want to have in your life, like who are your people? And some of that's easy. Like, you know when you're around people that you that the the values is just totally in in in alignment, right? And people show you who they are. Like if they're not as interested in you, like next.

Samantha Pruitt 35:32

Well, why don't you give an example of some things that are in your buy box? So we'll just call it like relationship buy box. I'm gonna buy into this relationship.

Polly Mertens 35:41

Well, so I'll give you an example that I actually shared with her on that day, which was um so there was this women's circle that I was invited to years ago, and I want to say there was about it was it wasn't like an an um you know, like there's sorority things and they they like do like a like a hashing or whatever. So like more people apply. Yeah, somehow like more people start out, but not everybody gets in or something like that. This wasn't how it was, but let's just say the group was bigger than it ideally was gonna be, just to see who like wanted to get to know each other and could they meet at the same time or whatever. So there's all these women, like 15 or 16 women, and across the this is during COVID, so we were all sitting separate, right? And this gal, she starts introducing herself. So we go around and we introduce ourselves. I'd never seen her, never met her, didn't know anything about her, and she just was like huge animal rights person, right? Like had started, you know, all these things for animal rights. Uh, she was actually part of the women's march, one of the founders of the women's march, um, this and that. And she just not that she was creating this resume, but she was just like, this is who I am in the world, you know, just like what I stand for. Sharing about herself. And I was like, when I heard these things coming about out and just her way of being, I was like, I need to know her. I I don't know if we're gonna be longtime friends or short-time friends, but of as everybody introduced themselves, it was like, I'm coming for you, you know. And I went up to her afterward and I said, Can we? I would like to have take you out for coffee. Let's uh I just love what you said. I'd like to get to know you more. She's one of my dearest friends now to this day. Like she's in my spirit circle, you know, like for sure, for sure. And I told this gal was like, like I could just hear who she was being and like what she cared about and how she wasn't there to make, you know, a hundred friends. It was like she had special friends in her life, you know, and she and she still continues. I see this in her life, and you are very good at this too, is you selective with who you spend your time with and you invest in those people. It's not I'm here to have 3,000 friends, I'm here to have quality, meaningful relationships. And she has time and spends time and invests time with those people, you know, strategically.

Samantha Pruitt 38:02

Like she's okay. So let me play devil's advocate. Yeah. So you ping her and say, Hey, Susie, I need to like dial you up with coffee because we got a lot in common. And you know, you resonated. There was a resonation, an energetic resonation, a values resonation, and she blows you off. And then you reach out again the next week and she blows you off. How do you process that, you know, fact that she's not responding and saying, hey, yeah, totally, let's rock and roll, like let's become friends and be together. How in a healthy way without a sense of rejection and making up stories about this whole thing. How

The Fawn Response And Nervous System Safety

Samantha Pruitt 38:45

would a person handle that?

Polly Mertens 38:47

Well, first thing that came to mind was like, Oh, you're lost, you know, like whatever, you know, just okay, and you can make up any story you want, or you can make up zero story. She didn't call me back next, you know, just yeah.

Samantha Pruitt 38:59

I mean, I personally would be like, they're not available to new friends right now. Uh, that has nothing to do with me. They just don't have the bandwidth for because I've been that person. Not that I would blow someone off, but I definitely emit points in my life where I get overloaded and I got so much shit going on and so many things I'm trying to balance, including relationships, right? So I just have cycles of my life or year, whatever, where I just I don't have bandwidth for new friends. This has nothing to do with anybody. Totally. Literally, it's I don't have the bandwidth because I do friendships a certain way.

Polly Mertens 39:36

Yeah.

Samantha Pruitt 39:37

Right. I do quality deep friendships, and I do want reciprocal relationships. So I just, if I can't give that to a person, I don't take them on in that way because I just don't feel that's right, you know? Yeah. I'm not into a hundred superficial relationships like you were just saying, you know what I mean? So so it can't be a personal thing. Yeah. And I think that's a really big challenge for people is not to feel a sense of rejection or immediately turn that mirror like, Susie doesn't want to hang out with me. Why? You know, it's not about it. We don't know what's going on with Susie. She's busy.

Polly Mertens 40:15

Oh, I started to think about like, what? You know, the the subconscious story that came out of my friend's mouth was um, you know, I just want everyone to like me. It's like, okay, hold up. If that were actually true and everybody wanted to be with you and and have time with you, like let's say that you actually got that. Everybody was like, I want to hang out with you. I want to, you would be like exhausted.

Samantha Pruitt 40:38

You all need to hold up. Yeah. How could you do those relationships well? Is my question to a person like that. Like, you that's not that's you superficially. Okay, this is social media, and that's why we should just call it what it is. This is what we think we're doing on Facebook and Instagram and Twitter and Snapchat and blah blah blah. Is I have so many friends, look at them all liking my thing. What in the hell is that? That is not a relationship. Yeah, it is not a relationship. There, those are not friendships, yeah. And that in no way defines who you are, the quality of your life, or anything about you. Yeah, hell no.

Polly Mertens 41:19

Yeah, totally, totally. So that was you know, one piece of advice, one idea that I had is like know your buy box, know what meaningful friendships. That's good. Like you said, like phase of your life, you know, like like is this a time when you have the bandwidth or like maxed out, right? Whatever. Um, and I would say, you know, as we were talking about earlier, so I want to call this like testing the dynamic. If you're finding yourself in the trap, like I did in a relationship that I was in, it was like, and you want to renegotiate, or you want to like, hey, you know, uh I have other needs, or let's let's talk about like you doing the uh exterior and I'll do the interior, whatever the dynamic looks like, right? Test it, right? Um so you can pull back a little bit of the giving, giving, giving, right? Stop initiating. Don't always be the one like, oh, let's do this, so let's do and see what happens, right? Or or put it on the table. Like, I would like you, you know, the request. Um, I've been doing this up to this point. I would like to see you start doing that.

Samantha Pruitt 42:22

Yeah. See how exactly. I mean, if this is a relationship you have, I hope that you're able to communicate. Right. And that would be the ideal scenario. Is you sit down, you have a conversation like, hey, you know, I'd like to change some dynamics here. And, you know, without judgment or any of those kind of things, like, I'm working more, you're working less. Let's change the dynamics. I'm earning more, you're earning less. Let's change the dynamic. Whatever, however, that all goes. Whatever. But I have done that technique where basically I just stop doing the thing because I find, oh God, I keep getting resentful that every time I find I'm doing your laundry, and I'm like, you know, this is with kids in the house and file, whatever. So like I'm flipping the laundry, I'm folding the laundry, whatever, because I like a clean house, so I'm just gonna use a cleaning thing as an example of that, right? No, no, and then I'm resentful or pissed off or annoyed about it. I bring it up, bring it up, doesn't change. So then I just decide, well, I just should stop doing it. Because last time I checked, I actually have a choice what I put in the washing machine, what I put in the dryer, and what I fold, right? Hello, right? And it's just gonna be something that we need to experience collectively is that I'm not doing it and yours is piling up. Yeah. Okay, without being passive aggressive, like if you tried to have dialogue or whatever, like that can be something that you do, and it's quite liberating. And a lot of times, what you'll find this is the hilarious part about it we make up these stories and dramas in our head, the person's oblivious, they just don't even know what the hell you're talking about. About and then they just all of a sudden start doing their own laundry. Okay, the fact that you were doing their laundry, mom, wife, partner, whatever forever.

Define Your Relationship Buy Box

Samantha Pruitt 44:10

You did the damn laundry. Yeah. Exactly. Totally. Don't blame them. Who doesn't want their laundry done?

Polly Mertens 44:17

You know, and I have to, you know, raise my hand here. I went about it a different way. So mine was just silent the old the resentment, right? And instead of speaking up for my needs, I just withdrew myself more and more and exited the relationship. That's what it was like. And that's one technique. That's that's one way of doing it. If you don't see it, you know. But I had all these considerations, like, oh, well, they won't, they won't say yes, or they won't love me, or this could lead to whatever, you know, like backlash or all sorts of things made up, right? I have no idea how it would have gone. But I chose the avoiding conflict, avoiding the negotiation, because that person actually is a very good negotiator, very good deal maker, and I knew that I would be outnumbered in terms of skills. So I just went, okay. So I just took myself out. Yeah, but not again. But so it but it's awareness, you know. So like now I'm like, I've learned so much in preparing for this episode. I'm I I just love this podcast. It's so good.

Samantha Pruitt 45:24

You know, I would say about this relationship dynamic thing that we're talking about right now, I just I a shout out to my son. I remember when he first left home and went to college. Well, he lived in the dorms initially, which was insane. But anyway, no one wants to live in a small room with three grown-ass uh adults trying to get a college education and function at a high level. That was a disaster. But when he went into a housemate situation and a shared housing situation outside of the dorms, so now there's a kitchen and you know, there's a house to keep, there's bathrooms and kitchen, whatever he's definitely my son. So literally, we went to visit the first week or whatever, and already had a giant note above the sink. Do your damn dishes. And he's gay, by the way, which is perfect. Yeah. And there was all this like clarity of communication around the house about maybe they sat down and they made house rules because they all came from very different experiences and upbringings, right? So you can't expect you're gonna be on the same page. Come the hell on. And if you're dating someone, you can't expect that they were raised exactly the same and they live this. That's just not real. So communication, people.

Polly Mertens 46:32

Well, and I just want to say, like, maybe we'll do an episode on this because I remember the phase of growing up where the note tenant or the roommate note thing was a thing. It's it's pretty toxic, actually. So there's that's it's a it's a fear of communicating and creating agreements. It could be a reminder, like dishes, you know, or something like that.

Samantha Pruitt 46:51

But I can remember going through the phases and I've done it too, like putting notes in the fridge, like throw your shit away or something, you know, like but if you communicate and you set up rules and you're in a shared situation and people are not uh making that happen, it could be because they just really weren't raised that way. They have bad habits, okay, or whatever you want to call them.

Polly Mertens 47:13

Different habits than you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Samantha Pruitt 47:14

Different habits than you.

Polly Mertens 47:15

Maybe different standards that we all live in and stuff, you know. Totally. I remember living with some girls that were so clean and so perfect, and they cooked and they cleaned right away. And I was like, what world did you guys? You know, that's not the family I grew up in, you know. And I I I've actually I grew I did better going to college because of the bad habits that my family taught me. You know, I grew out of them.

Samantha Pruitt 47:39

So but in a relationship too. So you're dating, and when you're dating, you learn a lot about each other.

Polly Mertens 47:46

Yeah.

Samantha Pruitt 47:46

Last time I checked, okay, and um, since I was recently having a conversation about dating with my young 18-year-old grandson, you know, it was like, well, you really see who a person is, but you need to start asking questions. You don't put your best foot forward. Okay, I'm gonna be the perfect person. So you pick me, pick me, pick me, pick me. But that's not actually how I live my life at all.

Polly Mertens 48:06

You're send your representative. Yeah, send your representative to date. That totally classic line, you know, it's like right. I I am I'm this well put together. I'm always shaved. Dude, have you seen the online dating apps?

Samantha Pruitt 48:19

I have not. What the tomfoolery is this bullshit?

Polly Mertens 48:22

Oh no, some people do not. No, I have seen the dating apps for men in their 50s, and so they they are not putting their best foot forward, I must tell you. It's all about the fish. They love showing you their, you know, their because why?

Samantha Pruitt 48:35

You're gonna feed me fish when we're dating. Are we going fishing every weekend and you're gonna feed me fish? What is going on? I know.

Polly Mertens 48:42

Yeah, let's do that on another episode.

Samantha Pruitt 48:44

But I totally get you. I totally get you.

Polly Mertens 48:46

Anyways, yeah.

Samantha Pruitt 48:47

So okay, what else can people do?

Polly Mertens 48:50

So, you know, and this was actually my marriage. So this is an earlier relationship. So one of the things I want to say is so choose based on evidence, not hope. So I say that I married my husband's potential, you know, and it's like, don't be thinking like, oh, this will change, or maybe I can whatever, hope your way out of it, right? Believe what people show you, like what they're doing, and you know, like you said, after the first date, you know, like go to their home. Like, you know, I went to my soon-to-be hus, and he's got his bed's on the floor. Like that should have been a sign. Like the mattress was on the floor, you know. He's a contractor, so like the whole house was torn up and bed on the floor. It's like, oh, he's like mid-transition. Uh like it was like that for six months. I was like, oh, hold up, you're gonna need to finish this house. Like, you need to, you know, anyway. Yeah, I there was so many glaring signs. I was like, yeah, I married the potential in that relationship. So just um, you know, look at that. Look at that. So people show you who they are, believe them, and you know, look at that, you know, that imbalance, or like knowing that if you have a tendency to overgiving, or if any of this resonated for you, like it's not, it's just a survival pattern, right? So now it's not hidden, it's not in your subconscious. If you're hearing this, it's now in your awareness.

Test The Dynamic And Choose Evidence

Polly Mertens 50:10

You you have something to look here, and you know, being overly nice, easy, compliant, invisible, not rock, you know, whatever. Um, your needs above mine, that got you so far, right? But it's gonna lead to the resentment, is like the you know, that kindness will lead to resentment. That's not yummy, you know, like get your damn needs met. And I'm speaking to myself here as I'm talking out loud.

Samantha Pruitt 50:33

So yeah, you should have your needs met. You first of all, you should know what your needs are. Yeah, you should communicate said needs, and you should have your needs met. You're not a bad person if you have needs, you're not a bad person if you speak up for yourself, you're not a bad person if you have boundaries. You know, this cultural or religious or societal programming around how we're all supposed to operate with each other is pretty much bullshit half the time, you know? And it's totally fine at this point in our lives for us all to just sort of call it like it is and rewrite the rule book.

Polly Mertens 51:10

Yeah, yeah. So, you know, think about this. Isn't about this is about your self-worth, not about selfishness, you know, because some of the the languaging that we hear is like, don't be selfish, that person's selfish, and whatever that sounded like when you were little and how bad of a, you know, it's like don't, you know, rich people like have like people that don't have money throw a lot on that. But there's a lot of rich people that are amazing human beings and give and contribute and stuff. Same thing for people who take care of their needs and who, you know, stand up for themselves, right? So selfish, you know, so it's not about selfishness, it's about your self-worth and you're not too much. You're not too much. You just need to invest where it's gonna grow, right? Like you're not too much. Look for reciprocity, right? Like it doesn't have, you know, I don't think going into relationships like this transactional thing, but just notice where that bank account may be, you know, where you find yourself overreaching, overinitiating, over giving, over caring, their needs, right? Are they okay over there? Right. So you deserve people who light you up. You deserve people who see you and want to contribute to you, to see you and want to light you up, right? Exactly. Exactly. So that's that's what we got. So uh what's the what's the one thing that from this you want people to to leave with? What did you hear as like a real ding?

Samantha Pruitt 52:36

Like I mean, at the core of a lot of it, whether it's wanting to be liked, needing to be needed, wanting to be wanted, this trap we're referring to, at a core of uh a lot of that dysfunctional behavior, if you will, is this lack of self-worth and understanding about yourself and what your value is, intrinsically, just like who you are, just being born and breathing and being a human being, right? And not having it have to be earned, rewarded in any way, shape, or form. Like it's not something you have to earn, you know, and that's a big overcoming for many, many of us. That's a long journey, but let's all get busy on the path to accomplishing that over the course of our lifetime. That's what I want for people. Love that.

Polly Mertens 53:27

I love that. For me, I would say just have the awareness. If any of this resonated, so I'm like walking around like whole, like I have a new level of awareness of how I'm being. So if I find either resentment showing up or looking to give or you know, add that value or contribute or just whatever, um, I'm just gonna check that. Just like check that and be like, hold up, why do I need to feel like I have to whatever, you know, and just yeah, add value, add value by breathing. Yeah. So it's been good. And uh I hope people have gotten something out of this.

Self Worth Takeaways And Sign Off

Polly Mertens 54:05

I sure did. So thank you for listening and thank you for uh your contributions, my dear, because your framing and how you are supporting this young man that's now in you guys' life, you know, your your grandson is gonna be so beautiful. I'm sure there's gonna be great episodes coming up with that relationship and that dynamic. So yeah. All right, you guys. Well, what do we want to remind our beautiful humans as we sign off today? As we always do.

Samantha Pruitt 54:30

How your life feels is so much more important than how it looks.

Polly Mertens 54:35

Yes, and every day is your opportunity to find your awesome.

Samantha Pruitt 54:39

All right, we'll see you next time.