120 : Taming Your Inner Critic with Coach Sam

Coach Sam solo this week schooling on the INNER CRITIC! 

You know, that “not good enough” voice that can sound like motivation, but it usually runs it's mouth on fear, shame, and moving goalposts. #truthtalk I’m sharing what’s been coming up for me lately: the inner critic, how it sneaks into everything from relationships to body image, and why trying to satisfy it only drains your life force. To ground the conversation, I read a powerful passage inspired by one of my Dharma Teachers, Frank Ostaseski’s and his The Five Invitations book, which captures just how relentless self-judgment can be, even in our most vulnerable seasons.

From there, I break down a simple framework that helps me step out of negative self-talk without pretending it never shows up: wisdom, strength, and love. We jam about wisdom as something you cultivate from within, not a list of rules you inherit from culture, family, or other people’s expectations. We talk about strength as the willingness to stand up for yourself like you would for a friend, and how naming the inner critic helps you recognize it as conditioning rather than truth.

I also share a personal, very real story from my return to working out after illness, back surgery, and family loss, and how my “evil twin” critic tried to hijack the process. If you’re working on self-compassion, mindfulness, self-acceptance, and lasting personal growth, this one gives you language and tools you can use today. If it helps, subscribe, share it with someone who needs a kinder inner voice, and leave a review with what you’re practicing right now. #coachsamjam #eviltwingoaway #selftalkreframe

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Transcript

Solo Welcome And The Topic

Samantha Pruitt 0:08

Hello, beautiful humans. Sam Pruitt in the House Solo today. And we're going to talk about something that has been coming up for me lately, and I thought I would share. Um, inner critic, inner criticism. Can you relate? And specifically, I'm going to first read from a book I am thoroughly, thoroughly enjoying and would strongly advise every human being read. It's called The Five Invitations. The Five Invitations by Frank Ostasecki. He is currently one of the Dharma teachers I am privileged enough to be taking a course with. It's called A Year to Live. We've spoken about it a little bit on the podcast before. But Frank is freaking amazing. He wrote this book called The Five Invitations, and I'm going to read a section from it. Okay? So let's take this journey together today. Taming the inner critic. No matter how you try, you can't please the inner critic. There is no fooling it. The critic knows your every move, your every trick up your sleeve, every single bit about your past.

A Vivid Portrait Of The Critic

Samantha Pruitt 1:35

It has been right there with you throughout your entire life. You shower with it, you take it to work, it sits next to you at every meal, and even sticks around for dessert. It's there during and after sex. And yes, yes, it's definitely there when you're dying. It compares, it praises, devalues, diminishes, invalidates, blames, approves, condemns, and attacks your appearance, your job performance, the way you conduct your relationships, your friends, your health, your diet, your hopes and dreams, your thoughts, and your spiritual development. Pick something, anything, it's all interchangeable. Let's face it, in the critic's eyes, nothing you do is good enough. The critic is the enforcer, demanding compliance to an acquired set of standards and moral codes. It's the voice that says, it's my way or the highway. It wields brutally its chosen weapons of fear, of shame, of guilt, in order to get you to do what it wants. Often, in our most vulnerable moments, when we would benefit from tenderness, we club ourselves with self-judgment. Even near the end of life, it's common for people to look back with regret, to become obsessed with the if only conversations, or to tell themselves that they aren't doing a good job of even dying. Friends and relatives add to the pile of guilt by projecting their own inner critic's voice into the person who is dying, suggesting that he or she should fight harder and should let go more gracefully. The inner critic is ambivalent about change, shifts in identity, creativity, and inner work, and it's downright terrified of anything bubbling up from the unconscious. The judge prefers to stay in status quo. The familiar, the predictable, it insists on homeostasis. Don't rock the boat, it advises, it's not safe. That's why focusing on self-improvement or making any attempt to fix what the critic views as the problem never works. In seeking the approval of others, conforming to an external standard, and trying to please, we are all simply looking for love in the wrong places. Praise and blame are symptoms of an infectious disease. And as with any illness, we need to do more than treat the symptoms. We have to address the underlying causes. We need to go to the very heart of the matter. We need to see how the habit of constantly self-judging ourselves diminishes our own life force, steals our inner peace, and crushes our souls. The pursuit of perfection is learned early on, and for most of us, becomes a lifelong addiction. It's an ego-based quest that easily can eclipse the soul's journey to wholeness. This is why, in order to bring our whole self to the experience called living, we must address the often unconscious, corrosive voice of the inner critic. It is the primary obstacle to self-acceptance, self-trust, and the expansion of our own unique dynamic potential. It stops all growth, arrests inner development, steals our power, and makes negative self-talk the norm. Furthermore, the judgment impedes our ability to connect and empathize with other people. Chances are, if you're extremely critical of yourself, you'll also be a harsh critic of others. You may even think that you don't know you're doing it. When we bring our whole self forward, we include our brokenness. We make room for blemishes, as well as purity, strength as well as vulnerability, success as well for our screw-ups. Judgment focuses on what's wrong. It feeds an either or mentality. Embracing wholeness is a loving act of reclamation, the both, the and way of meeting life. To free ourselves from the inner critic, we have to understand something of its origins, how we are impacted by it, how we can successfully disengage from this negative influence. In short, our treatment plan includes the application of wisdom, of strength, and of love. The five invitations, Frank Ostasecki. I can't even recommend this book enough. So let me talk to you a little bit about what I'm thinking here: wisdom, strength, and love. We think wisdom comes from our elders, our teachers, our family members, other people telling

The Antidote Wisdom Strength Love

Samantha Pruitt 7:17

you, programming you, conditioning you what is good, what is bad, what is right and what is wrong, what is beautiful, what is ugly, what is valuable, what is useless. Of course, when we're very little, we might need some of this skillful guidance, but sometimes we actually end up inheriting the negative and judgmental emotions and triggers and untrue ideas from others instead. Wisdom comes from within, from both our own learned experiences and a gaining of healthy true knowledge. Wisdom doesn't come from other people. Wisdom isn't other people imparting their ideas and their beliefs upon us. Wisdom is already in our own true nature. Wisdom is cultivated inside of us and developed by curiosity, compassion, self-investment. Not being criticized by others or by culture or by ourselves. You need to become wise once again and reconnect with your own true nature. Find or become your own coach instead. Rewrite this old script, this old story. Get rid of the things that are not true, never were true, and are not yours to keep. Number two is strength. You must stand up strong for yourself, like you would a friend. Befriend yourself. Repeated reps to build this muscle, muscle. Muscle, one of my favorite words. Repeated reps to build this muscle, this strength, this powerful connection to your own discernment, what you know to be true and right for you. Again, not the programming of others and society. Courage requires strength to push back on the BS thoughts and ideas coming from your own inner critic. Name this inner critic. I call mine my evil twin. You've heard me talk about her before on the podcast. For some of you, it might sound like a real person. For others, it might even sound like your own voice. But it's not you. It's just a negative thought conditioning old story that is untrue. Over time, you'll get better at recognizing when the inner critic shows up, and you'll be able to recognize them before they even enter the room sometimes, before they can take over the conversation and the dialogue in your head. Work on that. Work on that muscle. Stand up strong for yourself. And the last one is love. Don't get trapped in this subtle, aggressive cycle of self-improvement, where criticism, judgment, comparison are the tools that you use to make yourself quote unquote better. Becoming the person you aspire to be with the life of your dreams requires self-knowledge and self-compassion, not a whipping stick, not criticism, not judgment. Self-judgment, self-rejection, these lead to self-abuse and self-neglect. Instead, invest your energy and time getting to really know yourself. Ask yourself, what do I believe? What do I value? What do I stand for? What do I want? What are my unique skills, talents, curiosities that I can use to build my best life? Once you open your own heart to self-love, the love of others on the same path will flow your way. You'll have plenty of support. And your own heart will turn away from the inner critic and that BS story they've been telling you. You can release yourself from the suffering of letting the inner critic run your life. I'm going to close with a short story, personal story, confessional. These last few months have been tricky. Last year was very difficult. So these last few months, post-ilness, post-back surgery,

A Real Life Workout Battle

Samantha Pruitt 12:21

family crisis, and family death. I've slowly been chipping away these last few months at getting, well, at repeating the oh-so-familiar process of getting back in shape and regaining my fitness. I have a lot of experience in this arena. Many, many, many days my own inner critic, you know, the evil twin I talked about earlier, kept showing up in my workouts uninvited. She would say, What the hell is going on with your body? Why are you so weak? When did you get so slow? You're never gonna get back to the shape you were before. You're too old now. Ouch. Each time I would pause, take a deep breath, I would recognize her. She's familiar. She's been around most of my life. I see you. I say to my evil twin. I would talk to her. You know, lady, you're full of shit. And then I would turn into my own wisdom, what I know to be true about my life. What do I stand for? What are my values? What are my own experiences and accomplishments? What I know to be true. I would stand up in my own strength. Flexing these muscles I've developed over a lifetime of going to battle with this evil twin. I'm stronger than her. I always have been. Let me flex my guns. And then, of course, I would embrace myself with love and compassion. You're on the journey. You're doing the work, you're showing up. That's what counts. I believe in you. You can do this. You are doing this. I love you. And now, my friends. My beautiful, beautiful friends. It's your turn. To dance with your own inner critic. Put him, her, they in their place. Stop letting them run the show. They

Your Turn And Final Reminder

Samantha Pruitt 14:51

don't know you. They don't have your best interests at heart. It's time for them to leave. I love you, I love you, I love you all. I wish you a beautiful day. And remember what is always true here at the Everyday Awesome Project. How your life feels is more important than how it looks. And only you know how your life should feel. See you next time.