HOLIDAY REPLAY: S2E20 with Tanner Haney - Moving Through Fear and Finding Freedom

The holidays are a time to reflect, release, and reclaim what brings us joy—and this episode is exactly that.

Formerly titled “One Song, One Dance, and a Moment of Courage,” this conversation brought us so much joy, along with a powerful call to action as a reminder to never shrink yourself in fear!

In this special holiday replay, I sit down with Tanner Haney, a Los Angeles–based actor who challenged himself to dance in public for 30 days straight ... right in front of total strangers ... and ask them to film him. What began as a bold personal experiment quickly became a radical act of self-acceptance.

After coming out, Tanner found himself wrestling with the fear of being fully seen and the pressure to tone himself down ... a pressure so many of us in the LGBTQ+ community still face every single day. This year, as his birthday approached, he made a courageous choice: to stop shrinking and start reclaiming his joy, freedom, and authenticity, one dance at a time.

We talk about fear, vulnerability, the healing power of movement, and what happens when you stop hiding and start showing up as your truest self. In our current climate, this conversation feels more important than ever and is a reminder to live out loud and stay true.

If you’ve ever dimmed your light to feel safe, let this holiday replay be your reminder: JOY IS BRAVE. Give yourself this beautiful gift and unwrap the courage to be fully seen.

Happy holidays to you and yours and know that you are seen, you are valued and you matter ... AND always remember to JUST DO YOU!

Welcome to the conversation.

To follow Tanner, visit:  https://www.instagram.com/tannerhaney

Thank you for joining us and we can't wait to welcome you back again next week! New episodes drop every Thursday and can be found wherever you find your favorite podcasts!  

Remember to like, rate, share and subscribe to the JUST DO YOU. podcast in order to receive our weekly episode updates!  If you like what you hear, please leave us a review at Apple Podcasts!

To follow us on Instagram, visit: https://www.instagram.com/justdoyoupod/

Want to learn more about our host, Eric Nicoll?  Visit:  https://ericnicoll.com

Transcript

0:05

Hello everyone. Welcome to the Just To You Podcast. My name is Eric Nicole, and I'm your host. If you are a first time listener, welcome to the conversation and if you're a regular, I'm honored that you've decided to join me for another episode. The Just Do You Podcast is centered around a network of conversations, which are meant to connect us, to inspire us, to find our own confidence, our own voice, and to live our own truth. And who knows, we might even learn a little something new that ultimately allows us to live in the sweet spot that I like to call the Just do you space of being. Each week, I have the privilege of sitting down for unscripted conversations with friends, family, colleagues, community leaders, and influencers that all share their own personal journeys. I hope that you enjoy our time together as much as I have. We are certainly going to laugh, and yes, we might even cry a little, but in the end, we are going to know that we're not alone during our life's journey. So are you ready? Great. Let's do this. Welcome to the conversation. All right, everyone. Welcome to today's episode, y'all. I am so excited. I'm going to just jump right into introductions this morning. It is an honor and privilege to introduce everyone to Tanner Haney. Hi Tanner, Eric, how are you? I'm doing really well. Good. Thank you for having me. I'm really excited. Oh, thank you for joining me. So I was sitting at home one morning very early as I do tend after I feed the dog at 5:00 AM I grab my coffee and I crawl back into bed and I tend to flip through Instagram. It's a place where I have found great inspiration. I have had a lot of laughs and a lot of giggles, and I come across stories and journeys that really inspire me. And so you can imagine my surprise when I am sitting there one morning having my coffee and I come across this content of this guy. Dancing in a park and I'm thinking that's fun. So I watched your video and then I started to look into your content and I was really taken by something that you've taken on for yourself and we're going to talk about that today. But I'm just super glad that you're here.'cause I think a lot of people are going to resonate with your story and your journey and this challenge that we may give everybody at the end of this episode. So I'm going to introduce you just a little bit and then I have a lead off question for you. So for our guests that are listening Tanner Haney lives in la. Is an actor. And this post, which I'm going to basically read verbatim'cause I think it says it all, is the reason why we're having this conversation today. So Tanner posted a video sitting in that beautiful living room that you'll see on YouTube, and he said, I'm going to do something that absolutely terrifies me, but I know it will change me for the next 30 days. I'm going to challenge myself to dance in public. Not only that, I'm going to ask a stranger to record me in public for 45 seconds and then I'll post here, meaning Instagram. Why am I doing this? After I came out, I developed a fear of being seen authentically, and I held onto that shame that told me that I needed to shrink and tone down myself. But I'm done with that and I'm ready to live life authentically as myself again, and as I approach my birthday, feel as liberated as I did when I was free. So that's what we're going to talk about today. I am so taken by this challenge that you've given yourself. But before we go there, I'm going to jump back a little bit and I have a couple leading questions. I wanna know a little bit about the young Tanner. Where were you born? Are you, do you have siblings, family life? What was that like for you? Yeah, of course. First off, hearing that back, it was, it felt really surreal and emotional, just yeah, just putting myself out there in that way. So thank you for that. Yeah. So I grew up in Ventura, California, which is just outside of la. It's a small agricultural town on the coast, and I came from a really tight-knit, loving family. Like my, both sets of my grandparents were 10 minutes from us. I have an amazing sister who I'm really close with, and. We lived across from this lemon orchard growing up. And so I would endlessly be playing outside and just have just constant imagination and just spending so much time creating my own kind of world in that orchard. And growing up, my mom really instilled a sense of creativity through it for us, whether that was through arts and crafts or gardening or painting rocks or anything like that. But she really nurtured that in us and I think that's something that I carry with today and propelled me into the career that I'm I have at now. And that is really where my creative spirit started. I, at the same time, always loved putting on shows and I was acting and dancing and singing, and I had just had this complete freedom and. I would go around the neighborhood and I would ask everyone to come to my show that night and there would be 30 people showing up. And I would tell my mom, Hey, by the way, we're having a show tonight. And she would have to, scramble to host the entire show. Oh my gosh. And so I would have sometimes have a set list that included Shania Twain or Ian Rhis or Nelly Ferdo. So if that wasn't on the writing on the wall that I was gay, I don't know what was, but you said it, not me, but I always had so much fun doing that and being able to create that sense of play and freedom. Movies were also a huge part of my upbringing. I loved, like at my grandparents specifically, we would always watch these big movies and blockbusters and indie films. And that's something that I really loved and resonated with. And one time. I watched Coyote Ugly at their house, which I wouldn't have been able to watch at my parents' house. And if you don't know, coyote Ugly is a movie about a group of girls who dance on top of a bar and cowboy hats. And I learned a few dance moves from that I integrated into my shows. Which to Are those on YouTube now? Can we go back and watch those now? Or are those on YouTube? Those are archived and are not going to be coming out damn it. But I integrated those into my shows and sometimes my parents' friends would be there and we would, I would use some of those dance moves on them not realizing how provocative I was being, whereas like my parents just found it hilarious. And that was the first time where I was told like, Hey, that's inappropriate or I am offended by this. And I was like, oh, okay. That kind of that started to resonate a little bit. And how old were you at that time? I think maybe seven or eight. Okay. So before you continue, go back a little bit in those moments when you were performing, let's say, and you were about to step out in front of these 30 people that you invited to your home, which I find hilariously amusing. What were the feelings that you were having? Were you excited? Were you scared? Did you have any nerves or was this that typical childhood super free? Nothing matters. There's no judgment. I'm just going to do me. Yeah, I would. I would really look back at that time and I felt complete freedom. I was feeling excited for this opportunity to be creative and to perform. I was never once thinking about how I would be perceived or seen or what people would think. I just completely made it my own, like for a Mother's Day show, one year I was dancing on top of the swing set and I rip open my shirt and my sister had painted on my chest Happy Mother's Day. So nothing was off the table and nope, nothing. And it was always just so much fun and so joyous and I and my parents were always supportive in that. And so I felt this sense of freedom and confidence in myself from that. There is a really powerful message inside of that, which is you felt joy and you felt freedom. And that's something that we will talk more about throughout this conversation. But I've been thinking a lot about lately, especially given this environment that we're in, is that the joy seems to fleet. And so when we can find those moments, even as adults they are few and far between and it takes something to continue to perpetuate those feelings of joy and to keep it going. Yet, when we were kids, I remember silly things like we lived in a house that had this wraparound balcony and you had to get, walk around this balcony to get to the front door, and it hung over this ravine. And I remember. My friend and neighbor Colin would come over and we got the giggles and laugh so much by shooting the matchbox cars off of the deck as they fly down into this ivy covered hillside. But we would laugh for hours at doing something like that. And my mother, not judging or meanly, would come outside and she'd go, okay, you've had your fun. Now go down, on that hillside and pick up all those cars and bring them and ah, mom, and all that. But there were moments we buried his micron village one time in the backyard, went away for summer vacation, came back and it was covered in grass. But those times that we just laughed and we're silly, we're some of the happiest times of our life. And then something happens along the way and we lose that and we get to adulthood. And those joyous moments are few and far between and I think that's sad. You're bringing that back though, and that's the thing that I love and I think is so powerful. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. I see. So I do have to get the vision of you ripping up in your shirt with Happy Mother's Day, though I would've loved to have been in the audience in that moment. Oh boy. Oh my gosh. That's awesome. But so to go back there, I don't wanna lose that space. So obviously super supportive of you sister, super supportive and that must have been, and just felt so great to have that support of the people you care about. It really did. And liking, looking back at that now, I feel so fortunate that I had that support growing up from every kind of loving person that was surrounded by me. I know not everyone had that. So to have that and be able to be embraced for. Doing something that is a bit outside of the box, feels really special. Now, were you like that in even now? Were you like, yeah. Sorry to interrupt. Were you like that in school or was this kind of an at home and the safety of that space? Were you also outgoing and gregarious at school? I was, to a certain extent. I think there were moments where I was a bit shy in certain situations. I think, for example I did TaeKwonDo for a while and I was so scared to test, to accelerate to the next belt level. And so I never really made it to that next level because of, I was so frightened in that moment. Which is interesting because what was that? What was the fear? Do you know? I think maybe the pressure of not succeeding or maybe failing and not making it to that next belt level. Which feels so innocuous now, but I think in that time, no, we all were there. I was, yeah. It was piano. It was piano for me, so I get it. Yeah. Yeah. It was piano. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. Were you incredibly social as a child in school? Did you have a lot of friends? Was it just the normal, because I love that area of California. It's very peaceful, very laid back, very I liken it to where I live here in Encinitas. What was that like? Yeah. It was great. I was surrounded by friends. I was very social in school. I got sent to the principal's office a few times for talking too much. Not that I was being overtly disruptive or to the teacher, but more just, I couldn't stop talking. Yeah. But then there were other, like I said, certain situations where I would get really shy and closed off, but I think that would bleed into, or my ability to perform would bleed into school situations and plays. And talent shows and that kind of thing. Were you involved in that in school, in the show? I was, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That it's so fun to be surrounded by like-minded people who love the same things and are like curious about the same things and being able to work together towards something was also really special. I also played soccer during that time, so having that kind of team and community, was a significant part of my life. I played that for seven years and I never got better and I was like, maybe it's time I retire to retire this sport. That's actually cool because typically, I stuck to one path and that was. Music, and I didn't wanna go into sports. In fact, I hated sports. I had a situation where a teacher was just really derogatory towards me and the other students, and it shut me down from sports. At that point. I didn't wanna participate where in the music side, it was all a lot of joy and a lot of happiness. And we sang and we, I played an instrument and did drama and all that. So that was my kind of creative outlet. And I propelled from sports. I did not wanna get anywhere near it because I just didn't ever wanna be judged like that. Especially in school, we're always, we're always looking and striving to fit in and to belong. So for me it was, for me it was music. Yeah. Go ahead. Yeah. It's so fascinating how a single C circumstance can really affect your trajectory or a certain situation, all it takes is a word, and I think that's something that. We were talking about how early on in our childhood something happens and that shapes us into adulthood. I'm still unpacking. Sometimes things will come up and trigger me. That will take me back to moments where teachers in school would say something in particular. I always laugh or reunion about going out for football. I'm six four, I was a big kid. Everyone's ah, you gotta do football. Ah, my family was a big football family, all sc, Trojans all the way, and I could care less. So I went out for football and I remember the coach would sit in the back of a truck, open flatbed truck, in a beach chair with a Coke, and we would have to run around the community, which are pretty hilly. And if we weren't keeping up, he would say some, and I'm not going to repeat them. Some really derogatory things to the guys that would fall behind. And I would go home and I remember walking in the door and saying to mom, I'm like, I'm not going back. This guy's an ass. And at the time I still was, for me, dealing with my sexuality, I knew something was different. I knew there were, there was something that wasn't quote unquote normal like my other friends that were interested in girls. And so for him calling us those names, it really triggered me. And there are moments still today, I'm 58 years old, that will trigger me and I'll have to unpack and go, oh, that takes me back to so and in high school running behind that damn truck. And so I don't necessarily think we ever forget those things. And they certainly do shape us a lot of times though. It makes us stronger people. We don't realize that in the moment, but it. In our adulthood and in our later years, it almost becomes our strong suit in how we were able to combat and to deal with those moments. Yeah, I think in the moment it's tough, right? And in the moment it's hard. But the fact that you were playing sports and in music and you're incredibly gregarious is what we would've termed at our school. One of the popular kids, which also comes with its very own set of circumstances. So that was through high school? Yeah. So junior high school. High school, same thing. That was all pretty young. I am, ah we had moved to Southern Oregon and that's where a shift started. Ah, talk about that. When was that? Yeah. This was sometime in middle school. Yeah, we, it was a bit of a culture shock for me, I think because I was this colorful, free spirited kid who wasn't the most warmly embraced and I felt. Like I didn't fully fit in and people didn't know what to do with me. And so that started to like shift a little bit in me. And then at the same time, I think I was starting to understand what was happening with me internally and being gay and not wanting to acknowledge that, not wanting to deal with that or not just wanting to not be different in a way. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Nobody does at that stage. No. That's such a developmental stage, so I'm sure you're like me. Did you know early on though, prior to that you, there was something different about you? Yeah. Yeah. I always felt that way. I didn't know how to articulate that at that age or what it was, but I always knew something was different or that I was special in a way. Yeah. I've said a lot of times on this podcast,'cause I've interviewed a lot of people and had conversations with a lot of people from various backgrounds and the thing that's missing and that I fear, especially in this current environment, is that not only did we not have the language and the experience and any exposure to be able to identify our differences, our parents weren't gifted with the languaging or the ability or the experience or the exposure to walk us through that process. I think I'm quite a bit older than you, so that there's even that kind of era that it was so difficult.'cause I went from elementary school. I didn't come out till I was 24 because I didn't know how to articulate it. I didn't know how to share that with my family, who wasn't overtly conservative. They all loved me and supported me with the exception of one. When I came out, but it still were, was many years of struggle. And so I think all of us that have gone through that journey of coming out wherever you fall in the acronym came with a series and a quite lengthy experience of fear or shame or misunderstanding. And I wish that we were in a place that we could teach our parents. It's different now. Obviously, there's a lot more exposure, there's a lot more opportunity. There are groups in schools that, are there to support differences. I just, I worry now, this is a whole other podcast, but I worry now that it's creating kids to run back into that proverbial closet. Yeah. So you're now in Oregon? Yes. So that's a new set of challenges. Where are you in your head now at this point about your expressiveness and your creativity and who you are? Yeah, I it started to shift a little bit in that kind of direct away from who I was at that time. I started to get bullied before my voice developed later in life. And so I had a much higher pitched voice, and so that, along with my personality, I was perceived gay. And so that's how I would be bullied. And so I started to feel like, oh, this isn't, this is wrong. Who I am is inherently wrong. And then I think growing up in a heteronormative society where you're told who you are is inherently wrong, or what you like isn't, doesn't really fit what a guy should like. And then growing up in a church where the religious messaging is, who you are is wrong. You're being told you're wrong from so many different facets of life. Yeah. And that has start, that starts to affect your self-worth and your self-esteem, and it makes you feel like you're not really enough. And so during that time, and then through like high school, I started to overcompensate. Through perfectionism and people pleasing. It's if I get all these other things right, maybe that will overshadow who I am at my core. And that's something like, even now I am working through and I've come a long way from that, but still like that kind of early on, those feelings of trying to get everything else right since who I am is wrong. That's a core memory and that's one that I. Believe what doesn't go away. We just have to learn how to navigate it and have to learn how to push through it and communicate. I believe that we've all been through that. Yeah. Not knowing how to express yourself and be fearful. I remember I was attracted to my best friend in high school, so attracted to him. Oh my gosh. Oddly enough, end of the story, we were both gay and out. So who knew at that time? But I remember and I had equal pressure'cause my mom was an administrator in the school, so I was afraid she was going to find out someone was going to tell her, and all of those moments and. You get your entire personality, just you put a lid on it and then you put it in the cupboard. And I like you overcompensated. I was the nice guy. I was the nice kid. I did everything for everyone. I made sure everyone was happy. Everybody had to be happy. Everybody had to be taken care of. Everybody had to be and feel included. And it didn't matter that I felt incredibly outside of the circle. And that lasted quite a while and through college as well, until I came out. And then there was a whole other set of circumstances to deal with. But I get it. And this conversation's taking me right back to the quad at La Kenyata High School in 1982 which still is pretty vivid. And to not only having taken yourself though, from your. Your set of friends and your set of core memory and experiences, being born and then going through middle school. You're now in this new spot, in this new space, and you're basically having to prove yourself all over again to create those new friends. And now you're even more conscious of the fact that you're different and not having the ability or the words or the support everybody can relate to. All of us can. Yeah. And yet we all feel so alone. It's not strange that so many people are going through that same thing. Probably people in your own school that you didn't even know or going through that same thing at the exact same time, and yet they feel so alone yeah. Yeah. Wow. It's interesting. It makes this hyper-awareness of or the self-consciousness of am I saying the right thing or doing the right thing, or how will this be perceived? What did you think would happen if you were found out? Without being the one to be in control of how you came out yourself. Was there a fear? Yeah, there was a fear. I think it was a fear of being judged and not accepted. What does that like for you, what did that mean? If you were judged and not accepted, Or was that just a thought? Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I think it just meant that I wouldn't if I,'cause I hadn't accepted who I was personally, and I hadn't acknowledged that. So I felt like maybe if the rest of the world knew, then I would never fit in. Whatever that may be. Yeah. Scary time. Yeah. What where did you find your joy during those times? Because you obviously did, where did you find some joy for you? I started to find joy in swimming, competitive swimming. I would swim your route round and it was a way to block out the world and it's just you. And it was a really special time because I was a decent swimmer and I was just talking to this about someone, but like I, I was looked up to in a certain way and I was the captain and that felt like special for me during that time. But I think on a personal level, I was thinking about this recently, is it allowed me to just be present and not think about anything else and just block the rest of the world out and just be free and just go. Did you swim all through high school? I did. Yeah. Uhhuh, yeah. Ca Captain that you are. Yeah. It's interesting though, how and I've the last couple episodes. They had the same experience and you ended up being the captain of your swim team. And Janessa ended up leading troops through eight countries when she was in the military. But all went through the same thing in those moments of uhoh, something's wrong. And that's the thing that I find so empowering about this podcast. Not to toot my own horn, but as we tell the stories and we talk about the journeys, the empowerment of the people that are now out making a difference in the world and are being change makers in the world, all went through circumstances in their lives that were difficult and hard and. Some don't make it, and those that do have an interior perseverance and a fortitude, and there's something bigger than them calling'em into that space. So I say for you, as difficult as that may have been, and having gone through some of these moments of fear and shame, there was a bigger calling for you. Like what your life, what Tanner Haney's life was. Therefore, I believe we're all here to be of service to others. I think if we look at it from a very selfish perspective, we've missed the boat and we may not find that in what I believe, this is just my belief in many years to many lifetimes to come. But we're all here to be of service. Who we are for the world and for our friends, and for our family, and for our jobs, and for our, for your the viewers of your work as an actor you're serving them. And that is really special. And when we can see that is why we're here and who we are makes a difference, our words matter. Our choices matter. And we're really responsible for that. Like I think you're doing in this current project that you're working on is really powerful. That time where you're swimming and it's solitude and it's just you, as I hear that was a moment for you to really be with you and to get to a place where Tanner was going to accept himself, wholeheartedly and fully, no matter the process of what it takes to get there. But in those moments, which just you is a great time to just be with you. Because hence the name of this podcast. We have to just do ourselves, and when we do us and we live authentically, and you talk about that in that first video, that you know what you wanna do is live authentically and be the person that you were when you were free. That to me is why you're here, is to show us. And you're showing me, I'm telling you, every time I watch the video, I start out, we're going to talk about it in a minute by start out. Hyperventilating. And then I get to the joy part, and then I get to the relief, and then in the dance video, and then I go to your video where you're sharing your experience, and I am right there next to you. I am walking down that street or sitting in that cafe or wherever you're at, sharing that story. And my heart's beating. I'm palpitating because I'm like, God, that was powerful. And oh my gosh. So that to me is the power. That's why this podcast came about when I had tried to launch this podcast for two years, and honestly, Tanner, I think I said this to you on the onboarding call, I'm like, is anyone going to listen? Does anyone care? Is anyone going to resonate with the stories of my guests? What are the stats going to be? Because I am, I'm a planner by trade, right? So I do, for a living, I look at spreadsheets and statistics and budgets. So I'm really about the numbers. And I, we launched the podcast and I'm looking at the numbers, and the numbers aren't there, and I'm starting to judge myself. I'm like, oh God, no one's listening and this, that, and the other. But there have been circumstances and experiences through this. Process of being now in season two, where I've heard from people who have said the story that you did with Archer, or the story that you did with, Rebecca changed my life or changed my perspective, that's going to happen with this episode. And so I had to step back and go, this isn't about you Eric. This isn't about whether you think it's going to happen. So we have to be very conscious of ourselves and I had to like, get outta my own way and say, okay, who's next? Who's going to come on the show next that's going to share an really amazing story? And the last four, including yours, have been really cool. So I can sense that and it's when I go in my own head, I'm not a good swimmer in that respect, but I go to the beach and I sit and I meditate and I talk to myself, and I talk to my higher powers and I say, show me, bring me this next story. Bring me this next person that's going to change the world. I thank you for that. Thank you. That was so kind. Yeah, no, I'm serious. And I, we could transition to it now, but I think watching you, I don't know you well, obviously we're not we've just met, but I feel like I know you by your content and you can't see it. But as I watch your videos as, and I love the fact that you do the dance first and then post the experience, and you don't say anything about the precursor necessarily to the dance. Watching that and experiencing you share what you're sharing and what it's doing to you, you can physically see the shift in who you are from day one to now. I think today's day 14. You can see the shift. I dunno if you can see it, but your viewers can see it. And so that to me is like that shift when you come out and you're finally out and you've come out and now everybody knows and now you have to deal with your own story that you're making up about your own coming out. So with your permission, I wanna talk about that for a second.'cause that leads directly into I think why you're doing what you're doing.'cause you talked about the shame. If you don't mind, what was when did you come out? Do you mind me asking? No, not at all. I came out my sophomore year of college. Okay. Yeah. And were you in Oregon still for college or did you come back? I was, yeah, to California. Okay. Yeah. Small school, big school, party school. It was, what was that like? It was a big sports school, the University of Oregon, so I had Oh, okay. Really had the kind of quintessential college experience. I met all my best friends there. I had, were you a frat boy? Time? Were you a frat? I was. I knew it. I knew it. I wasn't full frat, but I participated for sure. Sorry, that was not judgmental. I just was there's space to judge, so it's okay. A little bit. A little bit. I'm just jealous'cause I didn't do that when I went to USC. Yeah. I'm jealous. Yeah. Yeah. But I, so I came out my sophomore year. Okay. I first, it started to become more apparent this isn't changing, so I just need to acknowledge it and accept it. And so I first came out to a few friends and they instilled the confidence in me that it's okay. And that felt really special and that kind of gave me the confidence to come out to my family. So I was in college and my parents had moved back to Southern California as soon as I graduated high school. And so I decided to write them a letter. Which I go back and forth about how I came out to them, but I think at that time I think it was like allowed space for both of us to feel what we needed to feel in that moment with and process individually without having to regulate the other person. So I sent them a letter and I waited what felt like forever. Mind you, it was only a couple of days, but did you mail this letter? Was this a mail letter? I mailed This letter. Yeah. It was old school. Handwritten old school. And I was so terrified be I think, to share this with them. And they were always so loving. I have a gay uncle, I have a sister that I'm so close with. Like why is this something that feels so. So challenging. So did you really dig into that? Why do you think that you felt it was so challenging? I think it was, I just wasn't sure how they would react. Or I think maybe on a deeper level, scared that they would react negative negatively. Sure. Yeah. Understandable. Yeah. Yeah. And so I mailed a letter, I waited and then they got the letter and I got a text and it said, we got your letter. We love you so much and support you. We're just taking some time to process this. And that felt like a relief. That wasn't the end of our conversation, but it felt like, okay, my parents are processing this. This will take some time, but I'm still loved and they haven't ostracized me, like I maybe thought they would. And so over the years we had a lot of conversations and they were challenging years and sometimes it was easier. But I think with parents, I think they have an expectation of a future for their children's lives, and they have to mourn what that future might have looked like for them. And that takes some time. And it does, I understand that and acknowledge that. And I'm really grateful that I had parents that like, did the work to get to that point. Yeah, I think it they really showed up for me and like we grew together and that really deepened our relationship in a way that was really special. And we were able to like, love each other in a new, more developed way. And that feels something that's really special for me. Yeah. It's not only special, it's important, Tanner, and I think I have to give parents credit because there's no manual, there's no teaching guide, right? They learn by experience. They learn by going through moment by moment. I also think they learn by what they were told or what they were taught, or what they saw, or what they've seen or what they've been experienced or exposed to, and is coming out a big deal. Absolutely. It's a huge deal for you and for them as well. But for you, it's the big deal, right? It's really the big, this is about you becoming authentic, but parents aren't equipped necessarily to deal with that, let alone are they equipped to deal with other situations that may come out do you know what I'm saying? There's a myriad of things that parents are having to deal with that they're not necessarily equipped to deal with.'cause there's no handbook. I think the L-G-B-T-Q coming out process gets amplified because of what is out in the world, right? Of the misunderstanding of who we are as a community right? We're no different than anyone else. Yet the way that we're portrayed is incredibly different. It's just not true. And and I liken this to, if. If there was a common understanding that the L-G-B-T-Q community is simply an identifier, that we are human being at the end of the day and we have the same challenges and ups and downs as everyone else, and take it out of the marriage realm, take it out of the who we love and all of that kind of stuff as a human being, at the end of the day, we're the same person. And I think that's where we have to start. So I'm with you. When I came out, I was terrified. Terrified. I knew for a long time that I was gay. I didn't like, like you didn't know what it meant. I had a crush on my best friend. I then transitioned to have a crush on my girlfriend's father, who by the way was a swimmer. I don't know what is about y'all swimmers, that swimmer body. And we'd go over to their house after football games and he'd be in his bathing suit and I'd be like, hi. It's just, that was the moment, when I knew. But coming out to my mom was the most difficult thing because I was afraid she was going to reject me. My parents were divorced. It was, she was my everything, and it is my everything to this day. My best friend. When I came out, my fear was so palpable and so powerful. And I had hid it for so long that I did a course called The Landmark Forum, which is a personal development course. And on the Friday of my course, I stood up in front of 300 people and I said, I'm gay. I don't give an F. Who cares? I'm tired of hiding it. And the entire room turned and stared at me. It was like a bad TV show or movie. And I, in that moment, panic, I was standing on a chair, I'm six four, screaming at the top of my lungs. And I remember looking around the room and seeing all eyes on me and I thought, what have I done? These 300 people are going to ostracize me. And the thing that happened was that people came up to me and said, mothers came up to me and said, and crying and saying. Thank you for sharing and being so brave. I now know that I've gotta have a conversation with my daughter who's struggling with her sexuality. I had a biker guy come up to me six seven, huge in a leather jacket. I thought he was going to beat the crap out of me. I'm 24 years old, and he said, he goes, I used to hate expletives like you, and from you sharing your story, I get to see that I've made up a whole story about your community. And he goes, can I give you a hug? And I'm like, white and deer caught in the headlights. But those moments made me realize something. And it wasn't until many years later that I heard the definition of the word fear, which was false expectations appearing real. Exactly. Yeah. That's all fear is. So my fear, your fear, everyone's fear of whatever that is, is just a false expectation of something that appears real. And when my family. Basically fell in love with me'cause I happened to meet my first boyfriend in that same course. So here, not only am I gay, but here's my partner, and by the way, his parents are coming for Christmas. Was a really amazing experience and my family was so loving and caring. My friends all knew at the end of the day, my mom knew. So again, like you said, there were difficult moments throughout the journey, but, and not everyone's that lucky, right? But I remember even growing up still the shame and the fear and the judgment, and now there's a whole other realm of internalized homophobia that we all have at some level for ourselves of what it means to be a gay man or a lesbian, or someone trans or bisexual or non-binary. All these options that we have that it just keeps getting compounded. And it's because of people like you sharing this journey is what makes it. Relatable and makes the younger generation feel seen and heard, and that's what we need. So I'm grateful for my experience. I'm sure you're grateful for yours, especially in those teachable moments where you get to teach and then you also get to be taught, right? Yeah. So I think it's super powerful and knowing that. Your family did the work, and I think that was the word I wanted to remember. You said that's really powerful. It isn't about you popping up one day sitting in the living room with your parents or writing them a letter, which I love and saying, Hey, by the way, I'm gay. Deal with it. It is a process and it's a journey. I don't know if Sarah Cunningham or heard of her. She has an organization called Free Mom Hugs, and it's a nationwide organization around the US and they go to Pride festivals and events and they wear these free mom hug t-shirts and they give hugs to the L-G-B-T-Q community who need it when they're in these environments like Pride. And I remember being at Pride and running into one of the moms and. She said, can I give you a hug? And I'm like, absolutely. This amazing mom hug. And I said, I've gotta have Sarah on the podcast. And she shares a story about her upbringing, how she was raised in the south, how she was raised through the church and her belief system. And her son came home and came out to her and how she struggled with it. But she knew that she loved her son. And I'll never forget what she said to me. What he said to her was, he said, I'm gay and I need you to step up and support me because I'm going to need you. And she said, in that moment, I realized that I had a job to do and that was to protect my son and to learn and to grow. And now she helps. I don't know how many thousands, tens of thousands of moms and dads around the world learn how to embrace. Again, it's because it took something, it took something for them to do that. So I am your family sounds really awesome. And congrat. Yeah, they are. Congratulations is the wrong word, but some aren't so lucky. Good for you. Good for you. Good for you. No, I feel the same way. And my family's amazing. I absolutely love my family. It came out to my grandmother and she's tell me something I didn't already know. And I'm like, how did you know? And she goes, every time you come visit me, you eat, you ask to eat on the good crystal and the good China. She's that's just not something, some of the gays have good taste. What can we say? That's why, that's where do you think I learned how to decorate my house's, my grandmother? It's all those things. So we could share stories like that forever. So anyway super proud of your parents and for you for taking that step and doing that. Okay, so I don't wanna run outta time. So college, right? What were your aspirations in college? Did you want to be an actor? I did uhhuh, but I never uhhuh allowed myself to get to the point where I come from a, like a blue collar family, working family, so I never allowed myself to say this could be a career. You get a good job and then you get a job that makes money and then you live. So I think I always had that desire and I would go to the place at university and just peripherally wish I was doing that. And then I, yeah I graduated and I entered the corporate world and I feel like this wasn't really aligning with me. I was working in entertainment and I feel I, there's a certain kind of word around like when you work peripherally and the thing that you want to do, and it was that for a while and I was like this isn't what I want and who I am. And it so happened that I was laid off from my job and that kind of propelled me in the direction that I am now. Universe was listening. Yes, exactly. That's what I like to say. Yeah. Yeah. We sh we will talk about it offline some other time, but we both worked in entertainment industry, so I saw in your bio where you worked, I was like, oh, I worked for the same company. So we'll talk about that later. Yeah. So Universe was listening, Tanner. Because it always does. The same thing happened to me. It's like I had a huge shift in my job and I was sitting with my friend Nathan, who's a holistic practitioner and does sound bath healing and all this stuff. And I've been talking about how miserable I've been with this one particular project. And then the project let me go. And he goes, you manifested that you've been complaining about it for a year. I was like I guess you're right. Didn't wanna admit it in the moment. But universe listens because again, it's not who you're meant to be. It's not why you're here. So what was that like? Were you again fearful and was there some shame and losing that job? Or were you just hell, it's time to go do what I wanna do? No, I was very fearful. I think one, the stability, but also the fear of succeeding. It's a com extremely competitive industry, and it's taken me years to hone my craft and that takes a lot of time. And also like releasing that tension. Yeah. Is it, going back to that, going back to the black belt kind of thing and then coming through those ranks, is it the same thing? Is it like you never, I've never excelled past this particular level'cause I'm afraid of failing or succeeding. There, it could go both ways. Is that same thing now in your adulthood? Yeah, I think so. Not, maybe not at the level. Sure. It's definitely a journey and I think it's something I enjoy and I enjoy what I'm doing and so that's all that matters at this point right now. And yeah. And apparently that succeeded.'cause you're a working actor in Los Angeles, I'm assuming? Pretty much. Pretty much, yeah. We're still working, but we're good. It's great. I know it's still a journey, right? I have a job, I have a career of a company that I own, and it's not necessarily my passion, it's not what I wanna be doing. I'm not compensated for this podcast, but this podcast is what brings me joy. Every single solitary week. It doesn't matter about the pay. It'll come. It'll come. We make those choices. There's a lot of people who have multiple jobs, and what they, when they find their most joy is when they're doing what they love to do. But let's face it, we live in California. And it costs something to live in California especially. It does where we live and how we've learned to live. Yeah. You're but you're doing it. And that's the cool thing. Yeah. And that's, you are acting Exactly. And that's what matters is that I'm doing it and I'm enjoying it and happy along the journey. Yeah. Yeah. Great transition'cause we're now going to get to the meat of this conversation, so buckle up, okay. Okay. So you're in la working actor. Your authenticity and who you are that you portray in your content and in the brief time that I've spent with you is really. Remarkable. Just there's this energy about you that is incredibly real and incredibly genuine, and you, the way you speak is very thought out. And I appreciate that. It's very, there's a calmness to who you are. So I'm curious, 14 days ago, how long had you been thinking about this? I'm going to do this challenge. Or did you just wake up one morning and go, I'm going to challenge myself to do this? Where did this come from? Oh my gosh. So I was on a run in the morning Uhhuh 15 days ago, and I, after a certain number of miles, I start to get in that kind of flow state and the idea just came to me and I was like, God dammit, I don't wanna do this, but I have to, and I know I have to and I have to do it today. Or if not, I'm just going to pull out of it and just not even acknowledge it. I didn't tell anyone about it at all that day. And later in that afternoon, I recorded the announcement video. And just recording that I was sweating and shaking. Oh, you could tell. Yeah. You could tell. Even, not even leading up to it. No, I'm sure. And I recorded it and I was like, oh my God, do I have to post this? Do I want, so it took 15, 20 minutes of me waiting to hit the post button and just here we go. And then I posted it and then ran around the block a few times to release that energy. And that kind of was the fear. Was the fear. Hold on. Was the fear back there again?'cause this, I think this is an important full circle moment, was that fear back? You're going to be judged again. Are people going to judge you? I'm not going to assume, but Yes. Yeah, I think it was, I was so scared of having to put myself out there in this way. I wouldn't typically post this kind of content online and having to go up and talk to a stranger. In a situation where not everyone else is dancing, feels very vulnerable on another level for me. And so where, no one else where all these mixed Yeah. Where no one else is dancing. Yeah. You're the only one pretty much dancing in the middle of the street in Beverly Hills it looked like. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. So the level of exposure therapy is not only coming from dancing in public, but also asking a stranger and sharing with them why I'm doing this, and then watching the videos back'cause that's not fun either. And then posting it online to people who are friends and family who are acquaintances, who people I don't even know. And sharing it with those people feels it's scary and it feels really vulnerable, every day I'm getting this exposure therapy and it's been. Really amazing, but also it's a lot of feelings every day that I have to work through and it's rewiring my nervous system in a way, which is why I'm doing this, but it's taken some work every single day. Yeah. Like I said, for me personally, watching you do this brings up a lot, and I've thought a lot about it in this last week that I have been spending time with you on your platform and what I think is so powerful and so almost provocative, is you're challenging other people to do the same thing without challenging them to do the same thing. Because there are those of us that sit and watch your content and go, I. Wow, what am I not doing? Where am I not being vulnerable? Where am I not putting myself my true self out there? And I'll be as bold to say it's even had me question a few times. If I am really living my authentic truth, I try Wow. But am I sorry, it's going to get me emotional. Am I living my authentic truth? Because it's causing me to look at you and say, wow, what does that feel like? What is that like? What's going through your, so my thought process with your video is what's going through your head? What's going through the head of the person that's recording you, that you've asked to record you? And then the bigger question is, what's going through the 30 people that are sitting in the restaurant that you're dancing through? And that's the part that's fascinating to me, because you're never going to know that. Necessarily. Yeah, but what, and you're, you may never know what's going through the person of the person who's recording you's head, but what gives me the most empowerment is what's going through your head and what you are going through your process. Because I've, and I said this earlier, I've watched you change over the past 14 days in very subtle ways as you watch each video. And although I don't know what's going through your head necessarily until you share it, it's really remarkable. And I'm going to make sure people have access to your social media because they need to watch this. But I think what's so beautiful about it is the fact that you've committed to it, you're consistent with it, you're sharing your experience about it. And I'm clear at the end of the 30 days, not only is your nervous system going to be rewired, but Tanner's going to be in a spot where if I can do this, there's nothing I can't do. And there's no reason for me not to be who I am. Because I think there's those of us especially, and I keep referring back to this current environment that we live in, where we're under attack, where things are being said, judgments being handed down. Members of our community are terrified to even go outside to live their truth. We just went through pride in Los Angeles. Pride happened all across the country. We just went through pride here in San Diego, and this has been a really cathartic moment this last two months, watching our community shut down. Some others rise up and others are out there fighting and others are out there scared and not knowing how to move, and there's gotta be a middle ground. And I think in being able to see those that are out fighting the fight and those that are out sitting at home and afraid, maybe in that kind of happy medium for having those people see that is where it's going to get them out of their fear. So everybody. Needs to watch your videos and everybody needs to sit. And I'm not just saying that'cause you're on my podcast, Tanner. I don't, I, I don't have to say that. I want you to really get this, that I want everyone to watch the video because there's something that they're not doing in their life that they wanna do, that they're afraid of doing because of whatever reason. And they're going to see that video. And they might not, but they might just take a stand for themselves and say, all right, if Tanner can get out there every single day for 30 days and dance and be self-expressed and be himself, then I can do X, Y, and z. I wanna know how that makes you feel.'cause I know you're doing this for you. Have you thought about that at all? What it's doing for other people? I starting this I didn't think about that at all. I wasn't sure what the response would be. But hearing you say that and the messages that I have received about how it's inspired people has been really. Remarkable. And motivating. And I wasn't meaning to make an impact and make whoever, however many lives, whether that's five or 10, but it feels really special to be able to be myself and share a part of myself and have that kind of wash over into others and look at their life in a different way. And that feels really special because when I ask people, sometimes we have a really amazing conversation and it ends in a hug and other times it ends in judgment for me, asking them. And then they have to record me. And I have to dance while they're judging me'cause they didn't want to record me. And really, so yeah. Really? Yeah. That's happened a few times. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. But it feels really special. To be able to share this with the people close to me and to feel the love and support and to see for them to also see the change in me and the impact that I'm having on myself. What is the, what do you wanna get out of the end? What, lemme rephrase that. Tongue tied. What do you really hope to get outta this experience on day 31? Like where do you see that conversation going for you? I, yeah. I think just feeling that equanimity in my body and not being fearless and feeling liberated. Maybe not to the degree that I will when I was in my childhood, but I definitely feel a certain I will feel different and I'm already starting to feel different. I notice myself speaking to strangers more, or complimenting people or doing something to that degree more than I would have previously. So it's fascinating how it's impacted that. You remind me of a friend of mine, a new friend, I met her last year and I love to dance. Dance like weddings and school dances and stuff that I dance around the house sometimes when I have to get up and make difficult convers or phone calls or I don't wanna deal with a client'cause they're being nasty. I will turn on music mostly Dua Lipa, she's my girl. I'll dance. I'll dance, and I dance around the house. I love it. That's my joy. I don't do it a lot in public, so I go off to this hospitality event up in Newport and it's this wellness weekend where we're being introduced to wellness practitioners that have really unique modalities and yeah, things like chairs and meditation and yoga and all this stuff. And there's this beautiful girl there and her name's Carolina. And she's wearing these really flowery, almost hippie dippy, flared like workout pants and this hair that's just everywhere. And she's gorgeous. I have no idea who she is. And she comes over and she's just hi, Ilena. I'm like, Hey, I'm Eric. And she's I'm hoping you'll come to my class. And I'm like, oh, what is it? And I look over and she's got this little sign that says, BU disco. And I'm like, BU disco. What's that all about? She's come and find out. So we go down about an hour later, it's out on this beautiful lawn overlooking the ocean, and there's this table with all these headsets and that's it. And I'm like, what's this going to be? And I'm thinking, oh, it's a guided meditation. Okay, get it. Bu disco, like what is that? Okay, cut to the chase. It's this free dance. Practice guided meditation with music that she leads you through. It's got the headset. We've all, mouthpiece and I'm standing around 40 strangers with the exception of two, and I am all of a sudden standing in a petrified mode going, we are about to dance in public, in front of strangers with all these people laying out by the pool, in their pool chairs, looking down this lawn. And sure enough, she leads us through this experience. It was an hour, and I gotta tell you, it was one of the most profound moments that I've ever had in my entire life because we weren't allowed to speak to anyone. Now you have to remember, we were all coming together as a group of industry professionals, had never met. The way we met was through silence and dance. And what I love,'cause I'm an observer, I love to watch people. I knew that ultimately I'd get into the groove of it, and I did. And it was just silly and we're dancing around. But she would have us express ourselves, how do you express love in a movement? How would you express yourself to say hello? All of those things. And I could watch the people who were so painfully shy, completely open up and change. And by the end of that hour, we were all hugging each other. We couldn't wait to be together. But here's what it did. It changed the next two days because we had a sense of relatedness, number one. And number two, we knew each other in a much more intimate way than just, hi, my name's Eric. Hi, my name's Tanner. And so that moment changed my life. So of course I did a testimonial for her. Now we're trying to work together on a project, and I think it's so powerful. So when I watch you, even though you're doing this by yourself, as we begin to wrap up the conversation, I want you to sit with, if you will, please, and take this with you that. That music and that movement and that moment is reverberating through the people who are watching, who may even be judging you. Because I'm clear that the people who are potentially judging you while they're recording, you are simply jealous because Tanner is out living his life full balls to the wall, fully self-expressed, and they can't necessarily get themselves to do that. And I'll further say that, I bet they leave that experience, go somewhere else and remember you and go, oh, okay, now I get what he was doing. I get it. And maybe, hopefully we can cross our fingers that they'll take action, that maybe they won't be so judgmental next time. Or maybe just maybe they'll find their own. Thing to do that they haven't done. And that's the beautiful part of your message, and that's the part that I think is so incredible. If you look back at the story that you've told about your journey since you were a kid, you're back there now, right? You're back there now as an adult. And if you were really afraid or terrified or in fear of what people would say and how you would be judged, I can pretty much guarantee you wouldn't be dancing. So there's a bigger That's a good point. There's a bigger calling to you, right? I tell you it's going to get me emotional. There's a bigger calling for you. So I don't know what that is. I can't see into the future. But I am very clear that there's a calling. How does that make you feel to know that you could be making that impact for someone else in just doing something that you quite frankly, sometimes don't wanna do? It feels. Aligned with who I am in a way. Even though that sounds frightening what you're saying, but it also feels like that's a part of who I am. And it's something my mom always told me. Which it's fascinating that you also said that. It's not something I think about. But if I'm able to do that and impact someone like that feels really special. So I'm going to be your mom for a minute and empower you to take that on and to sit with it because it really is who you are. We can't see it in ourselves. I'm guilty of that same thing. Same thing. People have called me and said things to me about this podcast and what it's done for their life. And I hang up the phone after I cry for an hour. I go, that, that's not me. Is that me? I'm just the, I'm the vessel. I'm like the catalyst to do this. But as you are being this kind of captain of that ship, I have to steer this ship. Yeah. And in season two, I'll give you a little example then I have a final question for you. When season two came about in January, of course we had gone through a really interesting time, November and December and I got through the holidays and getting ready for season two and I said, I don't think I can do this. I don't think that I have it in me. I don't think that what I'm doing matters. I don't think that what we're talking about is resonating.'cause I'm looking at numbers and I'm looking at statistics and downloads and all that stuff. And I got a phone call from someone. And they shared with me their experience of the conversation that I had, and they said, thank you for providing that opportunity, because they saw something from a very different space. And then I had another friend make a comment on a post that I did and on a podcast episode and sent it to me and my coach and mentor who. Is the reason why I started the podcast. He's a podcaster himself. He's now into I think, 200 episodes. So he was a big motivator to me. He said, you're never going to know until you start. You just have to start. But if you help one person, if you make a difference in one person's life, then that's all that matters. And then you look back and think, all right, here's Tanner who's on social media, he's on Instagram. I didn't check, sorry, how many followers you have. But people are obviously finding you'cause I found you and we're not friends. So you're making an impact there. Same thing with the podcast. I don't know exactly how many people are listening to this. I just see downloads.'cause you could listen without a download. So the impact is there and the ripple effect that will have, which is why I was so adamant about getting you on this podcast. Number one, I think you're super cool and I wanted to get to know you and spend some time with you. Number two, I just had to find out who this guy was, who's dancing around la. But it's going to be so impactful for you and I'm just excited to see where you go next. So that's my second to last question. What's next for you after this six 30 days, what's next for you? Do you know? Oh my gosh, the world is my oyster. I don't know. It's true though. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good question. I don't know what will be after this. I'm always working towards something on myself, so maybe I'll just relinquish that time and let myself be for a little bit and just look back on these 30 days and then. See what the universe brings for me next. All right, I'm going to check in with you on day 31'cause I think there's something going to come from day 31. Listen, I could talk to you all day. I have loved our time together. It's hours gone by really fast. I have one final question for you. I'm going to make sure that people have access to your Instagram so our listeners around the world can find you. We'll make sure that happens and they can follow your journey. I encourage them to do i'll also encourage them to take on a challenge for themselves. My friend's podcast is called, I Dare You. At the end of every podcast, he dares his guest, dares the listeners to do something. And I think that's super important. So I challenge people to watch Tanner and maybe come up with their own 30 day plan program, whatever you wanna call it. So thank you for your time today, number one. But my final question for you is, if you could go back to that young, very young elementary school tanner, what would you tell him about his life today? I would tell him that his life is really amazing and life had a number of challenges, but it doesn't change who you inherently are and never lose that childlike sense of wonder and that freedom because it's there. We just have to grow that seed and grow that water it and nurture it and we'll find it again. Not much more I can say except Thank you. You're always welcome to come back. Love to follow up with you in a year. See where you're at. See what's up with Tanner? Haney. Tanner, thanks so much for being here today. It was really, it was an honor and a privilege, and congratulations on all your success and just keep doing what you're doing. Thank you so much, Eric. I really appreciate It was so nice chatting with you, and I'm so grateful for this opportunity. Cool. You have a new friend hearing you on from the sidelines, so we'll talk soon. Bye for now. Alright, everyone, thank you again for joining us on today's episode. I hope our conversation resonated with you like it did me, and I cannot wait to sit down with you all again next week. Remember to subscribe to the Just You Podcast on your favorite platform so you can make sure not to miss a new episode, which drop every Thursday. If you like what you hear, you can easily share the podcast and episode. Directly with your friends and if you would rate us and leave us a review, we'd love to hear from you. You can also follow us on Instagram at just Do you pod as you go out into the world today. Remember to just do you. Alright, talk next week.