S3E11 with Eric Nicoll - The Journey to Pride: A Personal Reflection

A replay of Season 1, Episode 17 - A MATTER OF PRIDE

There are moments when the most important conversation isn't a new one ... It's the one we need to hear again.

As San Diego celebrates Pride this week, I found myself reflecting on where this podcast journey began — not with a guest, but with my own story.

A story of growing up in silence.
Of believing I had to hide.
Of carrying shame that was never mine to carry.
And of discovering that the greatest freedom any of us will ever experience is the courage to become exactly who we were created to be.

I recorded this episode during PRIDE week in Season 1, but listening back today, it feels more relevant than ever.

Because Pride has never simply been about parades or festivals.  

It's about reminding the person who feels invisible that they are seen.

It's about reminding the person who feels afraid that they are not alone.

It's about reminding every member of our LGBTQ+ community — and everyone searching for the courage to live authentically — that your life matters, your story matters, and your voice deserves to be heard.

If you're feeling weary ... if you're questioning whether you belong ... if the weight of the world feels especially heavy right now ... this episode is for you.

And if you're an ally, a parent, a friend, or someone who simply wants to better understand the human experience, I invite you to listen with an open heart.

Because conversations create understanding.  Understanding creates compassion. Compassion has the power to change lives.

Never let anyone convince you that you need to become someone else to be worthy of love.

Happy Pride, San Diego and welcome to the conversation. 

Visit me at http://www.ericnicoll.com or follow me on Instagram at:  https://www.instagram.com/dericnicoll/ or the podcast at: https://www.instagram.com/justdoyoupod/

Thank you for joining us and we can't wait to welcome you back again next week! New episodes drop every Thursday and can be found wherever you find your favorite podcasts!  

Remember to like, rate, share and subscribe to the JUST DO YOU. podcast in order to receive our weekly episode updates!  If you like what you hear, please leave us a review at Apple Podcasts!

To follow us on Instagram, visit: https://www.instagram.com/justdoyoupod/

Want to learn more about our host, Eric Nicoll?  Visit:  https://ericnicoll.com

Transcript

0:03

Hello everyone, and welcome to the Just Do You podcast. This week is San Diego Pride, and I found myself asking a simple question: With everything our community is experiencing right now, what conversations feel most important? I thought about recording something brand new this week, but the more I reflected, the more I realized I had already said what was on my heart last year. So today, I'm sharing one of the most personal episodes I've ever recorded, my own story. Over the past three seasons, I've had the privilege of sitting with extraordinary people from around the world, whose courage has reminded all of us that authenticity isn't easy. And if there's one thing I've learned, it's that none of us should ever have to apologize for who we are. I know many in our LGBTQ+ community are carrying a tremendous amount of uncertainty right now. Some are exhausted, some are angry, some are scared, and some are wondering what tomorrow holds. If that's you, I want you to know something. You're not alone. You never have been, and you never will be. Pride has never been about proving our worth. It has always been about remembering it. It's about standing together when the world feels divided. It's about choosing love over fear. It's about believing that every one of us deserves to be seen, heard, respected, and loved exactly as we are. As I listened back to this episode, I heard something that I needed to hear again myself, and I hope you'll hear it too. Whether you're a part of the LGBTQ+ community, an ally, a parent, a friend, or someone simply trying to understand another human being a little better, I hope you'll stay with us for the next 30 minutes, because every story has the power to change a life. And maybe this one will remind you just how worthy, how loved, and how incredibly important you are. Because no matter what the world says, and no matter who tries to diminish your light, no matter who tells you that you have to be someone different in order to be accepted, please remember this: Your job isn't to become someone else. Your job is to just do you. I want to wish everyone happy Pride, and welcome to the conversation

Speaker 2:11

Hello, everyone. Welcome to the Just Do You podcast. I'm your host, Eric, Nicoll, and I am so honored and blessed to be sitting down with you today. I am going to spend a little bit of time today talking with you as we get ready to launch our pride series, which is going to start In June prides coming up national pride month is June. So for the months of June and July, I have a lineup of guests that I know are going to move, touch and inspire you as much as they have me. But as I was prepping for these conversations and reflecting back on the conversations that I've had over the past four months with my incredible guests, I've been struck with something. really remarkable and that is, is that the sense of pride that every single person that's been on this podcast that's been asked to join this podcast has is really palpable and insurmountable and many times I have found myself asking them about that pride. And about that journey to find that for themselves. And it made me think a lot about my own journey. So I'm going to spend just a couple of minutes today talking to you about my own journey in finding my own pride and the importance of pride, not only for me, but also for our community and for our loved ones and for those around us. And anyone who knows me knows that my relationship to pride, not the word. And the definition of that word, but the acts of the festivals and the parades, my relationship to those activities has been, let's say, strained from years of experiencing crowds, which believe it or not, Even given what I do for a living as a meeting and event producer, I don't like crowds. So I don't go to a lot of concerts. I don't go to a lot of large gatherings for a multitude of reasons, but I really started to many years ago, question the need. Did we need a pride festival? Did we need a pride parade? And it wasn't until recently. And I admit this wholeheartedly that I moved to San Diego and that I attended my first leadership meeting with their pride organization, that I really got a strong sense of why pride is not only important, but critical in the LGBTQ journey. And over the past couple of years, I have really changed my relationship with the festivals, with the parades, and also with the definition of that word. What's really been hard to hear over the past four months and in the upcoming episodes is the constant common thread of my guests that have come from the LGBTQ community and that thread of shame, And fear and many times more than I'd like to admit the thought that taking one's own life was the only solution to avoiding that fear and that shame and that constant threat and that breaks my heart. Now, I know we are in a different time now, I know that we have come so far since I was in school back in the 70s and 80s, but we are now more than ever needing to come together as a community, and as a country to show our support for people that are different, because Everybody is different and therefore makes us all the same. We are human beings first. And as I'm watching current news and anticipating current upcoming events, I'm left with my own fear that again, now more than ever, pride is going to be critical. And so I look back at my own journey and when I came out, I was 24. I had been hiding it for years. I've known that I've been gay from a very young age. I had thoughts and feelings for not only a friend, but fellow student in elementary school. Later on, maybe sixth grade. And then as we got into junior high school and high school, that attraction Transcended to not only friends, but also a teacher. And I can remember the extreme shame that I felt, the fear of being found out. I committed to telling myself regularly that there was something wrong with me, that it wasn't normal and that I should basically. Never ever say anything. But what was so difficult was, is that it just became a part of me, right? Back then we didn't have the languaging. We didn't have the exposure to social media or television or movies. All we had was our own internal dialogue. And without that, and without our parents understanding and education and verbiage and knowledge back then on how to deal with a child that may be having these thoughts and these feelings and these emotions, we were left to fend for ourselves. And it was a really difficult transition, years and years of creating false narratives, liking girls simply because I felt that way. that I had to, that I had no way around it. And yet what was happening was, is that who I was, right? My personality, my uniqueness was being chipped away one stone at a time. And that was so hard to take. I didn't know until much, much later that there were students in my high school and in my junior high school that were gay and also struggling with the same thing. What would it have been like back then if we had an opportunity to have a conversation with each other? It's a lot different now, right? But we're still under threat. very existence is under threat by so many different people who simply do not understand, who simply have not had a conversation or are jumping on bandwagons because they know nothing else. And so for me, as we go into this pride month in June and July here in San Diego, I'm going to do my part to make sure that I wear that Pride banner and badge of honor proudly that I express myself and share myself and become the clearing and the opening for other people to come out, to be themselves, to find that voice, to find that courage. My hope. And the reason I started this podcast back in February was to create an opportunity for people to come together, to have a conversation, to maybe listen in on a conversation that would shed. A light or a different light on a subject matter that they thought they had an opinion on maybe a strong opinion and maybe shift that opinion a little bit over the past couple of conversations that I've had. It's occurred to me that if people who are afraid of the LGBTQ community or who sit in judgment of our community or any marginalized person, for that matter, if they were to take some time to sit down, have a cup of coffee and have a conversation with that person. I'm pretty confident that they would find that at the baseline, they are human beings, just like everyone else and have a uniqueness and a beauty and a specialness about them. That is what makes every single one of us in this world unique. And special and deserving to have our voices heard. My high school time was a very interesting time for me. My mom was an administrator in the school. I was very much attracted to my best friend. I didn't know how to handle it. I created narratives about myself. I forced myself to try to date girls, have a girlfriend, and. As I look back on it now, I apologize profusely to those beautiful women that had to endure my awkwardness and my inability to just be me. So I apologize, but it's all that I knew, right? So that process of high school was really difficult for me. And it wasn't until I left The confines and the comfort of my home and my family and my school and my community, and went off to college that I was actually able to experience what it was like to a boy and express that and have that relationship. And I'm not going to go into details about that relationship because it was super strained. He was having to play straight. because of his title in Greek residential life at USC, but I loved this guy so much. And it was so hard tagging along to all the frat parties and the sorority parties as the third wheel girlfriend of his attended with us. And that just put me deeper and deeper into that shame category and into that shame conversation. And that conversation of, was I ever going to be able to just be me. I honestly thought in that moment that I was destined to live a life of solitude, a life of sadness and depression and anxiety, even back then. And it really wasn't until I met someone who I just interviewed on a podcast one or two podcasts ago, my friend and dear friend, Dan, who actually saw something in me at a party. And started a conversation that was going to change my life. Dan was very proud and very involved in the LGBTQ community in Los Angeles. I was enamored by him and his ability to be himself and to be free and to be so self expressed. And he quickly introduced me to a personal development program that I signed up for and went to not knowing what I was about to get myself into. I was so afraid that I was going to have to come out in this space. I didn't know what I would say, what I would do. And when I started the course within the first five minutes, I'll never forget as if it were yesterday, the course leader asked if there was anybody in the room that wanted to introduce themselves and share to kick things off. And I remember grabbing the microphone out of the moderator's hand, standing up on a chair at six foot four and screaming at the top of my lungs. I'm Eric Nicole. I'm gay and I'm tired of hiding it. And I don't care if you like it or not. And what happened in that moment is over 300 pairs of eyes turn their direction and their stare towards me. And I literally sunk into my chair wondering what it was that I had just done. But what I had just done was start the journey and the beautiful road of finding my own identity, my own voice, my own confidence, and my own pride. And throughout the course of that transformational weekend, I not only learned that who I was just okay, not just okay. It was fabulous, but it was okay, right? There was nothing wrong with me. The conversations that I had about myself. And then I thought that other people were having about me was not reality. It was just my fear, false expectations appearing real, right? People came up to me at the break and throughout the course of that weekend, after I spoke and thanked me for my boldness and my courageousness, even though I was probably white as a sheet and sweating, I had mothers tell me that they now knew how, after that brief five minute share and interaction with the leader, that they had an opportunity to go home and converse with their son or their daughter or a family member, I had other people come up to me and say, Hey, I used to hate people like you. And now I see you're just like us, and I want to thank you for the courage and for your voice and for your stance for the LGBTQ community. And I didn't realize the effect that those conversations were going to have on me and my own sense of pride. I'm not going to lie. It wasn't easy. I left the comfort of that course room. After the first weekend, and now I was out in the real world, I was going to have to come out hundreds, if not thousands of times throughout my life. And I might as well admit, I'm still coming out today. People still question whether or not I'm straight or gay, and sometimes can't believe it. And what's interesting is with every time I have to come out, that pride builds on itself. I used to stumble over, yes, I am a gay man and now I wear it proudly and I say with conviction, I'm a member of the LGBTQ community and I'm super proud to be. And I hope that who I am in this world is making a difference so that people can learn, can people can see that we are just like everyone else. We are not here to recruit. We are not here. We have enough members. Trust me We're not here to change anyone and we're not here to convince you of anything We're simply here to be On this earth just like everyone else is and so many people in marginalized communities and marginalized People have to fight every single day to get their voices heard simply for being who they are And i'm here to tell you right now. We're never going to stop So after that course, and I went through a multitude of other courses, I was being trained to be a leader within that work. And I was able to develop a language that allowed me to go through and navigate my life with a confidence that allowed me to gain some really amazing friends to experience some really amazing opportunities, both personally and professionally, but it doesn't mean that the fear and the shame didn't change and go away. I had to constantly and have to constantly have a conversation with myself about that shame and about that fear. And when I think back about some of the guests that shared on my podcast about the only way out for them was to take their own life, I asked each and every one of them, what was it that you saw? What was the moment that you realized that you could push through that thought? Because some don't. You guys, we lose way too many young LGBTQ people to suicide because it's the thought that's the only way out. But I asked my guests, what was it that had them push them through or push through those conversations? And almost 99 percent of the time they said they saw something that was bigger than them. They saw an opportunity to go back out into the world and to make a difference. Every single one of them. And I had that same thought the one time that I had that same conversation with myself. Would it be easier to simply not be here? But I saw an opportunity to go out and to make a difference. I also didn't want to leave the people behind that were supporting me. In that course, I came out not only to my family, my grandparents, my aunts, my uncles, my cousins. I had come out to my mom the year before. My mom was able to see a different side of me and has been my huge. Hugest. Is that a word? My biggest cheerleader all along. And my family embraced me and embraced the love I had for my community. They not only embraced me, they embraced the guy that I met in that course that I was with for almost six and a half years. He showed me what it was like to be in a beautiful relationship, what it was like to share love with another person, not based on our sexuality, not based on our gender, but basic, Fundamental. I'm going to say it balls to the wall love. And that was a lesson that was such a beautiful transition for me. I was able to gain friends that were active in the community. I saw what they were doing to support pride, not only for themselves, but for other organizations around the country. I was able to make friends that simply live their lives being themselves from drag queens to, people you wondered if they were gay or straight to all of the things in between. And it was this beautiful, I can't think of another word, cornucopia of human beings. It was just this amalgamation of everything that I loved. But what was so interesting during that time, you've got to remember this was nineties and two thousands, it still wasn't safe for us. Holy to be ourselves. We were still up against a tremendous amount of hate and fear of being beaten up, coming out of a nightclub or being attacked or being judged or being disowned, it was happening all around us. And not to mention we had the HIV AIDS crisis still going on strong. And so there was a need for the community and for our allies to pull together and pride. In and of itself, each year that celebrated around the world, it was an opportunity for the community and our allies to come together to celebrate. I used to look at it, to be honest, as a little stereotypical. It was an opportunity for the community to go out and flaunt the things that I thought people had an issue with. The flamboyancy, the rainbow flags, the symbols, the colors, the dress, all of that. And I admit a little bit embarrassingly that it was my own fear of my own self being judged. I wanted to run around in that tutu. I wanted to run around swinging that flag, but I was terrified of the retribution. And I admit. wholeheartedly, that it cost me a great deal of joy all of those years, even though I was out and I was proud, I was still afraid. And so the years went on, my relationship, beautiful relationship came to an end. I'm still friends with him today. I love him for everything that he gave to me and to our relationship and moved on. And I went through periods of being single and being out in the community. Supporting organizations, serving on boards. I had another relationship, but it was a multitude of years, about 13 years of being single. And during that time, I did a lot of self reflection. I had a great career. I launched my company. I was dating. I was really loving life and I was going to these. big events and these festivals and these parades and seeing a different side of it. But I still had that little tinge of, can I really be 100 percent out to everyone? I wasn't sure. And so the years go on, I'm growing, I'm learning, and I end up living in Laguna Beach, which was such an amazing place to grow in those years that I was developing this strong sense of self. There was a gay beach. We're these great gay bars right on the beach and it became this weekend ritual, right? Friday nights at the boom, Saturday at the beach, Saturday at the boom, we make our way down to another restaurant, to another bar and it was this tight, great little community that felt like heaven on earth. It was safe. It was confined and it was beautiful, but the world around us was still struggling. There were people who didn't have an opportunity to be free. There were countries that were not. having it legal to be gay. And I still didn't understand how we were in that place in our world. How is it possible that people can't just be loved for being themselves? So the year is roll on. I ended up meeting someone. We date Fast and Furious. A couple of years later, we're engaged a year later. We were married and that relationship is where I truly found such a sense of pride because prior to us getting married, we were not allowed and our marriage was not. recognizable in the United States. There were certain states that had it. There were certain states that still had it, but it wasn't a nationally recognized right of the LGBTQ community. And so again, in the back of my mind, was this Shame. If we can't have this opportunity to be married to the people that we love and to express that love, then there's got to be something wrong with us. Why do so many people have issues? And I started to shut down a little bit. And surprisingly enough, right after we got married, We received the federal right to be married. And so right after our wedding, our marriage was finally recognized on a national scale. And what that did to not only my marriage and to my relationship and to me, but to the thousands and thousands, probably countless number of LGBTQ people who had been out there and got married prior or during that time, it meant the world to us and that sense of pride then started to overshadow that sense of shame and fear again. Excuse me, but what's so interesting about this whole process is that it appears to be this roller coaster. We have these really winning shining moments, and then we take 10 steps backwards, and we take a few steps forward, and then we go a few steps back. And what's interesting is that marriage ended. Sadly, I have lots of feelings about that, which I'll share on another podcast, but I truly miss that union, and it just wasn't meant to be. And so moving on from that, and moving into a new space of being single, and coming to San Diego after my divorce was final, I was alone. Again, I was lonely. I was sad. I was depressed and I had anxiety. We're talking about 2019 and we know it was happening around 2019, 2020, right? We go into the space of Basically shut down due to COVID. And one of the ways that I found myself out of this space of isolation was trying to connect with this amazing community here in San Diego. And once we started to open back up again and we got through the shutdown, I threw myself into volunteering and getting engaged with the community. I started an LGBTQ plus networking organization here in San Diego called Out Professionals. I got involved with the San Diego Pride organization to help them with the festivals and the parades. And it was purely because of an opportunity to connect our community to the larger community and to the world by showcasing the LGBTQ community in such a positive light. And I have to say, both organizations have brought me not only so much joy, but I've re learned what it means to be prideful about who we are, not only in our personal lives, but in our professional lives. We are movers and shakers. We are influencers. We are out making a difference in the world, just like everyone else. And all we ask is that we are loved and can love and are respected and can respect everyone as we do everyone else. And so I'm super grateful to the pride organization and to out professionals for giving me the opportunity to show up. 100 percent who I am. A proud. Gay man living in San Diego who loves this community, who loves the LGBTQ plus community at large and wants to celebrate the uniqueness and the beauty that we all encompass. And we include our allies in that. There are people and Groups of people still being victimized and marginalized today, and it makes no sense to me That's a whole other podcast. I could go on for hours about that But we must come together and we must support each other in this pride season To show the world that who we are is invincible and strong and committed and going to fight like hell to make sure that our rights and who we are seen and heard and respected. And I appreciate the opportunity to have this platform of my podcast. Just do you, it was designed for you. Around a network of conversations to have people find themselves, to find their voice, to find their courage and to find their passion. And so as I wrap up this kind of intro into pride, a little bit about my journey to this particular point. And as I kick off my pride series for June and July, I want to say thank you to everyone who has supported me along the way from that little boy in. the 1970s, who was standing on the grounds of Oak Grove Elementary School, wondering why he was having feelings for another student, his best friend. And would he ever be able to express that love and express who he was and express his creativity? I would love to say to him, you know what, because I ask every guest at the end of every podcast, if they could go back to that little boy and say, Our little girl and say to them and give them a little glimpse into what their life would be like now. I would basically look at that little Eric and say, buckle up kiddo, because it's going to be the right of your life. You're going to have some wins. You're going to have some losses, but you are going to be loved. You are going to be respected and you are going to be cherished and you're going to go out into the world and you're going to make a difference because you're going to pay it forward. You're going to give it back and you're going to make sure that who you are. You are resonates with people so that they can be who they are. So again, buckle up Eric at 58, cause it's going to be another great 20, 30, 40 years. Let's hope of creating the space for people to show up who they are. So I want to thank you guys for listening today. I appreciate the opportunity to share a little bit of my story. I'm very passionate about pride and what pride means not only for me, but for the community and for the world at large. So go out, Share your story, share with someone your journey, have a conversation with someone who may not understand it because in having that conversation, just like we're doing today. We will shift the paradigm in which we live and hopefully shift the conversations that people have about people of marginalized communities. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week. I love you guys and be well. Bye.

28:29

All right, everyone. Thank you again for joining us on today's episode. I hope our conversation resonated with you like it did me, and I cannot wait to sit down with you all again next week. Remember to subscribe to the Just Do You podcast on your favorite platform so you can make sure not to miss a new episode, which drop every Thursday. If you like what you hear, you can easily share the podcast and episode directly with your friends. And if you would, rate us and leave us a review. We'd love to hear from you. You can also follow us on Instagram at justdoyoupod. As you go out back into the world today, remember to just do you. All right. Talk next week.