#2. From Breakdown To Breakthrough: Understanding The Emotional Cycle Of Change

Today we dive deep into the tumultuous journey of change, exploring why making significant transformations in our lives feels like an uphill battle.  Get ready for a candid conversation about the emotional rollercoaster of change.

🔍 Episode Highlights:

• The Emotions of Change: Dr. Aly delves into the stages of change, dissecting the intense emotions experienced during the journey, inspired by the influential paper, "The Emotional Cycle of Change."
• Choosing the Right Path: When faced with a fork in the road after hitting our low point, Dr. Aly encourages you to choose persistence over quitting, emphasizing an empowering mindset affirmation to tell yourself. 
• Practical Tips for Success: Walk away with actionable tips to navigate the challenging moments of the emotional cycle of change. Dr. Aly provides practical advice to make your transformation journey smoother.

🚀 Takeaways for Transformation: If you've ever faced the struggle of making lasting changes in your life, this episode provides a raw and insightful guide to understanding and navigating the emotional complexities of transformation. Tune in for practical tips, personal anecdotes, and a dose of motivation to kickstart your journey toward lasting change. 🌟🎧

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:03

Welcome to the Crush Anxiety Podcast. If you're an anxious high achiever who's looking to reduce stress, manage your mind and achieve more with your time, you're in the right place. My friend, I'm Dr Ailey Wood, a psychiatrist and life coach, and I've spent years trying to science the shit out of my own anxiety and that of others, and I'm here to share with you the top strategies that I've learned along the way that will help you break free and become unstoppable. So let's crush it. So today we're going to be talking about a topic that hits close to home to all of us, and that topic has changed. And, more importantly, why trying to make big changes in our lives is so damn difficult. So this episode is for those of us who have set a goal and poured our hearts into the idea of it, only to watch it slip through our fingers. We're going to tackle the highs and the lows that we go through with transformation, why we stumble and fall short of that finish line, and what we can do differently next time to tilt the odds in our favor. So not too long ago, I signed up for the Rapid Transformation Challenge, and this was hosted by Dr Benjamin Hardy, and if you're not familiar with who he is. He's an organizational psychologist and a bestselling author, so you might have heard of some of his books. He wrote the Gap and the Gain who, not how, and 10x is Easier Than 2x, among other books. And so with this challenge, it was eight weeks long and the basic idea of it was to achieve more in eight weeks than you have all year. This challenge really asked us to embrace the 80-20 rule, which is also referred to as Pareto's principle. So remember, this rule states that 80% of your results come from 20% of your efforts, so the goal was to go 10x on our 20% to achieve maximum value while eliminating 80% of the bullshit that's been holding us back.

Speaker 1: 2:05

Now, when going through this, I noticed so many ups downs all arounds in my emotions. It's what I typically call roller coaster emotions when I'm talking with my patients, and this wasn't the only time I felt this before when trying to make big changes in my life. It's probably happened pretty consistently over the years, and I think I finally figured out why. So when I was reading the book the 12 Week Year, they talked about a paper that was published by Don Kelly and Darrell Conner, and it was published in the 1979 annual handbook for group facilitators. What this is, I have no clue, but I really like the paper, so stick with me. The paper was titled the Emotional Cycle of Change, and it answered a lot of my questions, and the reason why I find it to be so important is because, if we can predict the emotional shitstorm that lies ahead of us with any sort of change that we're trying to make, we can better prepare ourselves in our attempt to hit our goals. And I think Benjamin Franklin said it best when he stated by failing to prepare, you're preparing to fail. So let's break this down further so that you can apply it the next time you're trying to make a big transformation in your life.

Speaker 1: 3:20

Now, the emotional cycle of change is essentially a graph, and what we see is that there's an x-axis and there's a y-axis. The x-axis, or the horizontal axis, represents the progression of time, while the y, or vertical axis, represents emotions. And then what I need you to know is that the y-axis is actually split in half, with the top portion consisting of your optimism zone, and the bottom half is where pessimism hangs out. The curve on the graph is like the hills and valleys of your emotional journey. It's essentially the shape of a U-curve where it starts in the area of optimism, it dips down into the land of pessimism and then it jumps back out into the area of optimism. And if I'm totally botching this description and you're having trouble visualizing it while listening, make sure to check out the YouTube video where the actual graph is being shown.

Speaker 1: 4:17

So stage one of the emotional cycle of change is called uninformed optimism, and during this stage we're brainstorming, we're strategizing, we're thinking about all the different possibilities that lie ahead of us, and I secretly call this stage the stage of mental masturbation, because we get that euphoric effect just by thinking about it and talking about our vision with other people. We're looking at all the benefits and we're really not evaluating the costs that are associated with making the change, and on top of that, we're often flooded by positive emotions such as excitement, desire, motivation, which is can't wait to get started and reap all the benefits. I think all of us have been through this before and I'm pretty sure you know what I'm talking about, right. Whenever we start something new, it's that awesome feeling that we get.

Speaker 1: 5:10

After stage one, we cross the line between optimism and pessimism for the very first time, and stage two is called informed pessimism, and this is where reality kicks in. We're not in La La Land anymore, where we're thinking about all the amazingness that's about to come from, all these awesome changes that we're about to make right, we're likely starting to take some sort of action during this point, and real life hits us in the face. We get to the point where we start evaluating the various costs associated with change. So this might be a money cost, it might also be an effort and sacrifice cost, or it might even be us evaluating the time commitment required to achieve the goal. And what happens during this time is that our minds start to play tricks on us and we start to question ourselves Maybe life wasn't that bad before. Maybe this really isn't worth doing. Do I even have what it takes to accomplish this goal? What we do is we essentially start looking for reasons to quit, and this is where the silent, secret self-sabotagers of success start to creep up on us. So things like imposter syndrome, overthinking, procrastination.

Speaker 1: 6:31

So when shifting into the land of pessimism, we can expect to experience a lot, a lot of negative emotions. So things like anxiety, apprehension, uncertainty, and if stage one to me is known as the stage of mental masturbation, then stage two, in my opinion, is the oh shit stage, and a lot of this has to do with the emotional triad. So I'm not sure if you've heard about this concept before, because I don't think I've talked about it in my prior videos. So let me explain it to you real quick. The brain has a specific default mode that it likes to operate by naturally. So it likes to one, increase pleasure. It likes to two, avoid pain, and then, three, it likes to conserve energy. And so everything about stage two goes against this emotional triad and the brain's natural comfort zone. And so when we're in this stage where we're trying to figure out how the hell to do all the things and we're questioning if we're even capable of making all our dreams a possibility, this process isn't overly pleasurable. It's definitely painful, right Probably mentally, emotionally and sometimes even physically, and then it also requires a hell of a lot of effort, sacrifice and energy. So it really goes against this natural instinct of our brain. I'd like to say that things get better after we get past stage two of the emotional cycle of change, but it only gets worse With stage three.

Speaker 1: 8:10

We continue to dip down even further into the land of pessimism and we hit that very bottom of the U-curve, and this is known as the valley of despair. This is where all the pain is truly felt and life is just smacking you in the face. All of those benefits that we were initially dreaming about are completely out of sight. You're not questioning, but you actually decide that life really isn't that bad and that the life you're living is pretty damn good and likely good enough. And then, on top of that, you continue to be flooded by uncomfortable emotions, so, most commonly, doubt, fear and peer discomfort.

Speaker 1: 8:56

When we hit the valley of despair, we essentially come to a fork in the road. Okay, most of us will pick the path of oh shit, I quit and give up and say no to our dreams. And if you're anything like me, you've probably done this at least once, if not multiple times before. And so what happens is, after we quit, time passes, but then we get that itch to start back up again. Maybe it's on a new goal, or maybe it's just the same goal. We quit, we start over and we go once again through stage one, on informed optimism, to stage two informed pessimism to stage three the valley of despair and we continue to just cycle and cycle through these three stages without making any real progress on our goals, and it's just mind-numbing. Now there's another path we can take.

Speaker 1: 9:48

When we hit that fork in the road, instead of saying oh shit, I quit, we can choose to persist and persevere. And so one of my friends has a saying that she uses whenever she's challenged to do something that she doesn't know how to do, or when someone questions her ability and her capability of being able to do it, and that phrase is fucking watch me, okay. So instead of choosing the path oh shit, I quit, you can choose a path of oh shit, fucking watch me, okay. Think about how this phrase feels when you say it. Which one's more empowering, which one is going to lead you to feeling more motivated to keep pushing when things get hard, and which one is going to allow you to kick ass and crush it? So if you're able to get through stage three of the emotional cycle of change and push through that valley of despair, you get back into the land of optimism. Right, we cross that line for the second time. You leave the land of pessimism and you leave those negative, uncomfortable and sabotaging emotions and thoughts behind.

Speaker 1: 10:57

This is where we hit stage four, which is called informed optimism, and this is where we get our spark back. We start to hit our groove again. We've established new habits, new routines. The things that we had to learn how to do become more familiar to us, and those benefits that were completely out of sight, out of mind, start to creep back up again. They're right in front of us and they feel much more within our reach. And then we also have a shift of positive emotions. So we see ourselves becoming more optimistic, we're more confident and we're definitely more resilient.

Speaker 1: 11:38

The number one thing I need you to realize when you're at this point is that your odds of success are much, much higher. So the biggest thing to remember is to keep pushing Definitely and I'm going to repeat this Definitely. Do not quit and stop at this stage. That would be the worst mistake that you could make, because after stage four comes stage five, and stage five is success and fulfillment. During stage five, you hit your goal, you've gone through your massive transformation and hell, why not start looking for that next challenge? And then, on top of this, your emotions just keep getting better and better. You start reflecting on your experience, you start thinking about all the things you've accomplished, you feel fulfilled and you're grateful for the journey, even the crappy moments throughout the process, because you realize that they made you stronger and were a huge learning opportunity for you.

Speaker 1: 12:43

Now that you know about the emotional cycle of change, think about the last time you tried to make a change, create a new habit or transform your life. What stages did you go through? What stage did you stop at? Did you get stuck in the valley of despair? Did you say, oh shit, I quit. Or did you take the path of oh shit, fucking watch me? I want to leave you with a few tips on how to navigate through the emotional cycle of change, specifically so you can get through stages two and three without giving up on your dream. And tip number one is to plan ahead of time and prepare to keep moving towards your goals, even when your emotions start to suck, because we now know that this is part of the process and part of the experience, and it's not something that you can just skip over and avoid.

Speaker 1: 13:35

There's a quote that I love, and it's the system is designed to defend the system, and so our first system is always going to be our subconscious mind. So our thoughts, our emotions and our identity. We all have a psychological set point, and a lot of us can only extend so far past that point before our brains start protesting and wanting to go back to its comfort zone, and the term used to define this is psychological flexibility, and the American Psychological Association Dictionary of Psychology defines it as the capacity for objective appraisal and appropriately flexible action. Cognitive flexibility also implies adaptability, and so the more understandable version of this is that you're able to look at things fairly and you're able to respond in a smart way. I think Dr Benjamin Hardy says it best in his book 10X is easier than 2X. What he says is that, essentially, psychological flexibility is moving toward chosen goals, even when it's emotionally difficult. You acknowledge and accept your emotions, but they don't control you.

Speaker 1: 14:48

So tip number two is to get very clear and very vivid on what your future looks like, and I need you to have a powerful why behind it. You then want to keep reminding yourself of this why on a daily basis. Your vision plus your why equals motivation, and this is what propels you forward and keeps you taking action even when things become hard. So when you're creating your why, I need you to get past the superficial bullshit. Okay, you need to look past the money. You need to get past the cars, past the boat, past the new house. Okay, we need to peel back the onion and find the truth behind your why and go as deep as possible.

Speaker 1: 15:27

There's a technique that I like to use whenever I'm looking at my why, and I just call it the five whys. I don't know if someone's come up with this already, but this is what I do, and the technique is whenever you're trying to figure out your why, you just keep asking yourself why. You do it five different times, and each time you're pushed to go deeper and deeper with your thoughts. So let me walk you through an example of my five whys. So my big 2024 goal this year was to one, create this podcast and then, two, create a crushing anxiety course that goes along with it. The course is going to be targeting anxious high achievers who know that they are capable of doing so much more with their lives, but realize that anxiety is keeping them stuck and is getting in the way of true progress. Okay, so when I used the tool the five whys on my goal, this is what I came up with.

Speaker 1: 16:24

So why number one? I want to generate enough money so that I can have time and financial freedom. Why number two? I want to be able to spend more time with my kids while they're still young. I have two boys they're two and four. These years are really, really important and special to me. Why number three? I want to show them what's possible in life so they can learn to find happiness and purpose in their own lives. Why number four? I want to help inspire change and those who are struggling, and show my kids that they too can help those around them. And so why number five? I want to live a life that is full of meaning and full of purpose, and a large part of that, in my opinion, is about serving other people.

Speaker 1: 17:11

So do you see how this made me go deeper? Of course, we naturally want those superficial things right, the things that money can buy, but we need to go past that and connect with our goals on a more emotional level. We need to get to the heart and soul of our goals, because this is what's gonna keep us pushing through when we hit those speed bumps. Now, tip number three is to only go after two to three big goals at a time, and even as I'm saying this, I feel like most people, should probably only go after one at a time, and I think this is especially true if the goal you're trying to hit is a 10x goal. That is gonna require a massive change and a massive transformation. The level of change you're trying to make will directly correlate with the extremes in emotions that you'll experience. So essentially, the bigger the goal, the harder the uncomfortable emotions will hit. It's kind of like the rubber band effect the further you stretch it, the bigger the snap. And so if we really hone in and focus on one big, massive goal instead of spreading ourselves thin across many goals, we reduce the potential for quitting when we hit that value of despair. So that's what I've got for you today.

Speaker 1: 18:26

If you found value in this information, please take the time to share it with someone you know, especially if that someone is in the process of trying to achieve big things. Talk soon, my friend. Until then, keep kicking ass and crushing it. Just a quick reminder this podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes only. Although I am a doctor, I am not your doctor, and listening to these episodes does not establish a doctor-patient relationship. This podcast is not a substitute for the advice of a doctor or other mental health professionals. It's also important to remember that the views expressed are my own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of any institutions or organizations I may be affiliated with. Got it Great.