#3. The Surprising Reasons For Your Unhappiness (#1 Cause Exposed!)

In today's episode, we're uncovering the surprising reasons behind your emotions. 

Ever found yourself asking, "What's wrong with me? Why am I feeling this way?" Well, buckle up because we're about to flip the script on how you perceive life's challenges.

🚀 Key Takeaways:

• Discover the root cause of life's challenges and how your thoughts shape your emotions.
• Challenge the notion that external factors are to blame for your problems.
• Dive into a real-life scenario with Sarah and John, revealing the hidden dynamics of their heated argument.
• Dr. David Burns, a psychiatrist, shares three game-changing ideas to transform the way you think and feel.

Don't forget to review the podcast if you found value in the information today!

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:03

Welcome to the Crush Anxiety Podcast. If you're an anxious high achiever who's looking to reduce stress, manage your mind and achieve more with your time, you're in the right place. My friend, I'm Dr Ailey Wood, a psychiatrist and life coach, and I've spent years trying to science the shit out of my own anxiety and that of others, and I'm here to share with you the top strategies that I've learned along the way that will help you break free and become unstoppable. So let's crush it. In today's episode, we are diving deep into the root cause of any problem and exploring the profound impact that our thoughts have on our emotions. So if you've ever asked yourself what is wrong with me or why am I so miserable and unhappy all the time, this episode is for you. So I first want to start off by asking you a question. How often do you blame the things going on around you for your problems and negative emotions? Do you point your finger at other people, such as your spouse, your mother-in-law or even your boss, or are you blaming other things, such as the weather, the stock market, politics? Think about it for a minute. How often are you thinking that if a certain situation or person were different, you'd be happier. But here's the truth. The circumstances and situations in your life are not the cause of your problems and negative emotions. The root cause of any problem is always your thinking. This is why two people can go to the exact same movie and one can walk out thinking it was the greatest movie ever and the other one thinks it was absolute crap. It happens all the time. Look at all the awards shows that happen each year. I don't know about you, but most of the time I've never even heard or seen half the movies they're talking about, and I really don't care too. But I do know that there are people out there who do care and they make sure that they watch every one of those movies prior to those shows. So the idea that our thoughts play a significant role in shaping our experiences isn't really new.

Speaker 1: 2:17

You've probably heard some version of this already before, and that's because the concept has been around for at least 2000 years. The Greek Stoic philosopher Epictetus wrote in the book then Cridion that we are disturbed not by things but by the views we take of them. So essentially, our situations don't cause our suffering, but our thoughts about what is happening sure as hell do. Alright, and in case you're wondering. The answer is no. Life coaches, tony Robbins and Brokostio did not come up with this idea all on their own Shit. Neither did Aaron Beck, who is considered to be the godfather of cognitive behavioral therapy. Cognitive therapy didn't become popular until the 1960s and the 1970s.

Speaker 1: 2:59

So now that you have some historical context, I want to dive even deeper with you on this idea that the root cause of any problem is always our thinking. So let's start off by defining some terms so that we're all speaking the same language here. The first thing I need you to know about is what circumstances are and when. We're talking about the circumstances of our life in relation to our thoughts. These are the things that are considered to be outside of our control. So this includes other people, the weather, most medical diagnoses that we receive and our past. Okay, when we're talking about circumstances, we are referring to the facts of a situation. So let's make up a little story to show you how this works.

Speaker 1: 3:48

There's a married couple named John and Sarah, and they've been married for five years and they have two young children, and one day, sarah was feeling overwhelmed. Right, she was taking care of the kids, she was doing various house chores. She wanted some time away. So she asked John to stay home with the kids while she rancel marines. Well, sarah didn't know, but Sean already made plans to go golfing with his buddies and he kind of forgot to tell Sarah about it. And when Sarah asked him to stay home with the kids, he refused. This led to a heated argument between the two of them. They both said heated things to each other and basically didn't talk the rest of the day. Sarah felt like John wasn't taking their family responsibilities seriously and she felt like he was prioritizing his own care and his own social life over their family and her wellbeing. John, on the other hand, felt like he deserved a day with his friends and he didn't understand why Sarah was making such a big deal out of things. Hell, he works full-time to support the family, doesn't he deserve a day off?

Speaker 1: 4:53

So let's say I'm meeting with Sarah. I ask her so what happened between you and John? Tell me about the circumstances. She might be inclined to tell me that John's a jackass. He caused the fight. He's beyond selfish. I'm the one home with the kids, 24, seven, and when I finally ask for a well-deserved break, I get shot down. But no, guys, we need to press that pause button. Remember the circumstances are the facts of the situation and not opinions. If we want to help Sarah, we need to tease out her story from the facts.

Speaker 1: 5:27

The facts of this situation are that John and Sarah are married, they have two kids together and, essentially, they said words to each other. If you know exactly what was said during the altercation, you can put the exact phrase down. Otherwise, I just like to say they said words, because that's the fact of the matter. If we had a video recorder on them, we'd see them saying things to one another. Now this leads to the second term I want to define.

Speaker 1: 5:57

Which are thoughts? Our thoughts are the sentences that run through our minds. It's as simple as that. What we do is we give meaning to our circumstances through our thoughts, and it's our thoughts that are usually subjective, opinionated and, in this case, with Sarah, maybe a little judgmental. And it's our thoughts, not the circumstances, that create our feelings. So in Sarah's case, when she had the thought that John's a jackass, this probably led her to feeling more frustrated, more angry and more resentful, if I had to guess but there might be some of you listening who thought well, john really does deserve that break. He probably works hard to support his family and there's nothing wrong with going golfing with the guys and this thought process evokes a totally different set of feelings, right? So maybe there's some empathy, maybe there's some justification there and some understanding, and maybe there's even a little bit of admiration for John and his dedication to his own well-being. And so what's the take home point here?

Speaker 1: 7:04

I think Dr David Burns, who is a psychiatrist and the creator of Team CBT, says it best in his book Feeling Great. Right, there are three ideas that he wants all people to know about, and these are one you feel the way you think. Your negative emotions, like depression and anxiety, result directly from your thoughts and not from the circumstances of your life. Two, the negative thoughts that upset you are nearly always distorted and twisted. And number three, and probably most importantly in my mind, when you change the way you think, you can change the way you feel. Whenever you start to feel like crap emotionally, step number one is to always differentiate your thoughts from your circumstances, because it's all too easy to blame the situation that you're in instead of looking in the mirror and facing reality. And this means asking ourselves tough questions like what's really going on right now. What are the facts of the situation? What am I thinking about the situation and how might my thinking be contributing to the problem that I'm having? Because by doing this we gain a clear understanding of our thought patterns and how they're contributing to our emotions. At this point, some of you might be experiencing a lot of resistance to this idea, thinking that it's pretty bullshit, that I can't blame my negative emotions on the situations that I'm in. But I promise you it's a good thing.

Speaker 1: 8:37

If we were all victims of our circumstances, we would have no controller agency in how we go about the world, and psychologists describe this as having an external locus of control. So, according to the American Psychological Association, people of the next generation of external locus of control tend to behave in response to external circumstances and perceive their life outcomes as arising from factors outside of their control. So, essentially, we become passive recipients of life's events and we're at the mercy of what's going on around us. Our emotions are dictated by what's happening to us and we're essentially being tossed around by the waves, with no control over our direction. We're completely stripped of our ability to navigate and influence our own experiences in the world, and that kind of sucks. The alternative, which is the one I'm arguing for, is referred to as an internal locus of control, and with this perspective, we're empowered. We have agency and we have control over steering our lives, even in the stormiest of seas. It implies that while we can't control every external circumstance that we come across, we do have the power to shape our reactions and, even more importantly, our emotional well-being. Our interpretations and our responses to situations hold significant weight in determining our emotional state and allows us to navigate life's challenges with purpose and with resilience.

Speaker 1: 10:08

Victor Frankel says it best in his book Man's Search for Meaning Everything can be taken from a man, but one thing the last of the human freedoms To choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way. So I want to leave you with this what do you believe about your life and, more importantly, what do you think about yourself? The context of anxiety, the freedom to choose our attitude, holds tremendous transformative potential. So take a moment to be aware of the thoughts that are triggering your emotions. Are they based on truth or are they based on distorted perceptions? Are they empowering you or are they bringing you down in life? Remember, you have the freedom of choice. You have the power to shape and create your own emotional world. So what are you going to choose? That's what I've got for you today.

Speaker 1: 11:08

If you found value in this information, please take the time to share it with someone you know. Talk soon, my friend. Until then, keep kicking ass and crushing it. Just a quick reminder this podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes only. Although I am a doctor, I am not your doctor, and listening to these episodes does not establish a doctor-patient relationship. This podcast is not a substitute for the advice of a doctor or other mental health professionals. It's also important to remember that the views expressed are my own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of any institutions or organizations I may be affiliated with. Got it, thank you.