Do you ever feel that relentless drive to succeed, but find yourself hitting roadblocks due to anxiety? Well in today's episode, we're uncovering the 5 most common ways anxious high-achievers undermine their own success.
Take the self-sabotage quiz today! https://www.tryinteract.com/share/quiz/65b677542eb81e0014e5d2a6
This episode is for you if...
🚀 You've got big dreams, but feel like something is holding you back
🤔 You ever worry about doing things perfectly
🌟 You've achieved cool stuff, but it still doesn't feel enough
🔄 You find your brain constantly in overdrive
🎭 You sometimes feel like you're not as good as people think
🚧 Setting boundaries feels a bit tricky
🎯 You set goals but feel a bit lost after achieving them
🔍 You're curious about the secrets behind success and anxiety
Make sure to leave a rating and a review if you've enjoyed this episode!
Do you ever feel that relentless drive to succeed, but find yourself hitting roadblocks due to anxiety? Well in today's episode, we're uncovering the 5 most common ways anxious high-achievers undermine their own success.
Take the self-sabotage quiz today! https://www.tryinteract.com/share/quiz/65b677542eb81e0014e5d2a6
This episode is for you if...
🚀 You've got big dreams, but feel like something is holding you back
🤔 You ever worry about doing things perfectly
🌟 You've achieved cool stuff, but it still doesn't feel enough
🔄 You find your brain constantly in overdrive
🎭 You sometimes feel like you're not as good as people think
🚧 Setting boundaries feels a bit tricky
🎯 You set goals but feel a bit lost after achieving them
🔍 You're curious about the secrets behind success and anxiety
Make sure to leave a rating and a review if you've enjoyed this episode!
Welcome to the Crush Anxiety Podcast. If you're an anxious high achiever who's looking to reduce stress, manage your mind and achieve more with your time, you're in the right place. My friend, I'm Dr Ellie Wood, a psychiatrist and life coach, and I've spent years trying to science the shit out of my own anxiety and that of others, and I'm here to share with you the top strategies that I've learned along the way that will help you break free and become unstoppable. So let's crush it, alright. Tell me this have you ever put off starting something new because you felt like you didn't have all the information? Or perhaps you found yourself trapped in a cycle of overthinking and indecision. Maybe you're that high achiever who reached an incredible goal but downplayed it to others because you still feel like your success falls short of your aspirations. And then there's those of us who have hit the 10x goal only to realize that at the end point it wasn't as fulfilling as we thought it would be. If any of these scenarios sound familiar to you, you're going to want to stick around, because today we're diving deep into the shadows of achievement and exposing what I like to call the five silent self-sabotagers of success. So, truth be told, I'm very intimately familiar with all five of these ways that we self-sabotage, and as someone who identified as an anxious high achiever for so many years, I've pretty much become a seasoned professional at all of them. And what I've learned is that once we can identify, confront and overcome these challenges, we become truly unstoppable. Because in a world that often measures success externally, understanding the intricacies of our internal landscape, it's a game changer, my friend. So the first way that we self-sabotage is through perfectionism. And to truly understand what this is, I need you to know about the work of psychologists Paul Hewitt and Gordon Flutt. So they wrote a paper in 1991 titled Perfectionism in the Self, in Social Contacts, and in this they identified three different types of perfectionism. So they're self-oriented, other-oriented and socially prescribed perfectionism. Self-oriented is when we demand perfectionism from ourselves, other-oriented is when we demand it from others. And then socially prescribed is when we feel the pressure from others to be perfect. Okay, and so what's interesting is that the primary difference among these three dimensions is not the behavior pattern itself, but it's the object or the person to whom the perfectionistic behavior is directed.
Speaker 1:And then, to add onto this, dr Tailben Shahar further breaks down perfectionism as being either adaptive or maladaptive, and he did this in his book, the Pursuit of Perfect. So when we're talking about adaptive perfectionism, we're talking about the pursuit of high standards, the pursuit of excellence. It's typically coupled, though, with a healthy acceptance of mistakes and, basically, the understanding that perfectionism is an ideal rather than a realistic goal, and it encompasses more of a growth mindset, where errors are viewed as opportunities for learning. Now, on the flip side, maladaptive perfectionism involves setting unrealistically high standards and being excessively self-critical, and what we see is that people become preoccupied with avoiding mistakes and they typically engage in all or nothing thinking, and this is typically described as a fixed mindset, and it leads to chronic dissatisfaction, anxiety and, typically, fear of failure. This then leads to procrastination and even more missed opportunities. So I don't know about you, but I for sure have fallen into the male adaptive category.
Speaker 1:Of all three types of perfectionism, I remember being that kid in school who would write and rewrite assignments because I wanted my handwriting to be perfect, and then, when it comes to expecting perfectionism and others, an argument that my husband and I constantly get in is me typically becoming upset with him for doing something his way right and not the way that I want him to do things, and he will constantly tell me you know, there are more than one way to do things, ali, and just because my way isn't your way doesn't mean it's the wrong way. So, yeah, that's, that's a hell of a lot of fun. And then let's not forget the classic trap of me giving way too many shits about what other people think of me. Right, there's that constant pressure that I put on myself to be polished so I don't look or sound dumb. Yeah, yeah. So there were even delays with me starting this podcast because that fear crept up on me.
Speaker 1:When talking about perfectionism, we have to bring up one of my favorite quotes by the Queen of Emotions, bernay Brown. Okay, she says that when perfectionism is driving us, shame is riding shotgun and fear is that annoying backseat driver. So tell me this where is perfectionism shown up in your life? How is it thrown a curveball into your progress? All right, so the second way that we self sabotage is by overthinking, and this is the excessive and repetitive mind traps that we get stuck in whenever we're faced with decisions or problems or even different situations. It's essentially like having a mental traffic jam in your head. You want to keep moving fast and you want to keep going, but your thoughts are stuck and moving forward just feels impossible. Your thoughts essentially create a bottleneck in your mind and you find yourself fixating on the details, trying to solve problems that haven't even occurred yet and analyzing the past. Right, it's this never ending loop of thoughts that makes us feel stuck and results in us feeling mentally fatigued and exhausted. But here's the problem Nothing productive actually gets done when we're caught in the trap of overthinking. So why do we do this to ourselves?
Speaker 1:I want to break this down a little bit and share something with you that I find really, really interesting, and it's the work of psychologist Daniel Kahneman. He describes a two system approach to our thinking in his book Thinking Fast and Slow. So system one is our fast thinking, and this kicks in when we're going with our gut or we're cruising on autopilot. And then there's system two thinking, and this is our slower thinking, and it comes into play whenever we're trying to solve problems, think analytically, or maybe even we're trying to intentionally weigh our options. So when we are overthinking, system two is usually the one that's online. Whenever we're faced with a complex decision or a challenge, system two gears up and goes into overdrive analyzing, pondering, trying to uncover the perfect solution. But here's the plot twist when it becomes too hyperactive, we end up stuck in a loop of over analyzing and analysis, paralysis, and this is where the self sabotage kicks in. So I can really relate to the system two idea In 2023,.
Speaker 1:I read 46 books on anxiety and achievement, and this was an anticipation of launching this podcast and building a crushing anxiety course. Now I do think it was helpful to learn the views of the top thought leaders and I'm someone who loves to read, so it definitely wasn't wasted time. But looking back, I realized that my approach was definitely excessive and probably unnecessary. There's that fine line between thorough preparation and then drowning yourself in information, so I don't want to blame everything on this system two thinking idea right, because system one isn't entirely innocent either. Those snap judgments that we make in a split second can come back to haunt us, and this is especially true if there's a negative fallout from them. We can get into a negative cycle of overthinking and self doubt and once that starts, pretty damn hard to stop. The goal is to find the balance between quick decision making and deliberate contemplation, and we want to prevent overthinking from taking over because, as the saying goes, overthinking is the art of creating problems that weren't even there. So make sure to take some time to reflect on the different ways that overthinking is getting in your way of making true progress.
Speaker 1:Now the third way that we sabotage ourselves is through imposter syndrome, and I know you know what this is. It's that little persistent, nagging voice in your head that convinces you you don't deserve success. It questions your competence, it questions your intelligence. It's that fear that lingers and worries that those around you will finally figure out the truth about who you are A fraud. So you might be wondering how this idea of imposter syndrome came to be, and it was first described in 1978 by two clinical psychologists. They noticed that many of their clients, who happen to be mostly female, graduate students, medical students and working professionals, right, they struggled with an internal experience of intellectual phoniness. So in their paper they write that, despite outstanding academic and professional accomplishments, women who experience the imposter phenomenon persist in believing that they are really not bright and have fooled anyone who thinks otherwise. Numerous achievements, which might be expected to provide ample, objective evidence of superior intellectual functioning, do not appear to affect the imposter belief. And so when we move on and look at the more current research. The literature suggests that up to 82% of people face feelings of imposter syndrome, and we find that it's often comorbid with both depression and anxiety, and it often negatively affects things like job performance, job satisfaction, burnout.
Speaker 1:What's really crazy was that when I was looking up information on imposter syndrome, I came across a list of celebrities who experienced this, and I was shocked. Best actress, oscar winner Jodi Foster was quoted saying it was the same way when I walked on the campus at Yale. I thought everybody would find out and they'd take the Oscar back. They'd come to my house knocking on the door Excuse me, we meant to give that to someone else that was going to Merrill Street. Tom Hanks, also an Oscar winner, said no matter what we've done, there comes a point where you think how did I get here? When are they going to discover that I am in fact, a fraud and take everything away from me? Then there's Oscar and Emmy and Grammy award winner, kate Winslet, who said Sometimes I wake up in the morning before going off to a shoot and I think I can't do this, I'm a fraud. Then there's the one that shocked me the most, which was Meryl Streep, who holds more Academy Award nominations than any actor out there. She said you think, why would anyone want to see me again in a movie? And I don't know how to act anyway, so why am I doing this?
Speaker 1:All of this just shows that imposter syndrome doesn't discriminate. What we see are these persistent feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy despite evidence of competence and success, and I know I've experienced this. When I was first starting my YouTube channel, I was in my last year of residency and fellowship training and I was really paranoid about the opinions of the attending physicians who were training me. They had years, if not decades, of more experience than me, and I questioned who the hell was I to be talking about mental health, and this fear was so close to stopping me from putting content out. So, with talking about all of this, it might remind you of the Dunning-Kruger effect, and this is where we see that those who are highly skilled are more likely to underestimate their own talents compared to those who are lower skilled. They tend to overestimate their abilities, right, and so what we see too often is that imposter syndrome prevents people from taking action and it gets in the way of us living lives that are true to us. It really undermines our true potential, and I guarantee it contributed to what Brani Ware observed when working in palliative care and if you don't know who she is, she's the author of the book the Top Five Regrets of the Dying, and she found that the most common regret of all was I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
Speaker 1:She explained that when people realize that their life is almost over and they look back on it, what stands out most is how many dreams went unfulfilled. It's the decisions that we make, or even those that we don't make, that change the trajectory of our lives, and I would hate to see you miss out on something life-altering because of the fear of imposter syndrome. One of my favorite quotes on imposter syndrome, and something that I try to remember when I'm struggling, is by Michelle Obama. She stated that it doesn't go away, that feeling that you shouldn't take me that seriously. What do I know? I share that with you because we all have doubts in our abilities, about our power and what that power is. If I'm giving people hope, then that is a responsibility, so I have to make sure that I'm accountable.
Speaker 1:So the fourth way that we self-sabotage is by having poor boundaries, and this can be poor boundaries with your family, with your friends, with your work colleagues, really whoever. So if you're someone who avoids speaking up for yourself, someone who agrees to do shit that you don't really want to do, or someone who lets others have their way just to avoid conflict, you're going to want to listen up. The American Psychological Association defines a boundary as a psychological demarcation that protects the integrity of an individual or group or that helps the person or group set realistic limits on participation in a relationship or activity, and so boundaries to me are the rules, the expectations, the desires and maybe even the needs that help you feel safe and comfortable. It's what we do to prioritize our own needs for the benefit of ourselves and those around us, and it's what allows us to show it better emotionally on a day-to-day basis. When we don't enforce our own personal boundaries, we give our power away, and so not enforcing boundaries can look and show up in many different ways. So it might be over committing and taking on too many responsibilities, people pleasing and constantly saying yes when you really want to say no, allowing others to intrude on your time with constant interruptions that jack up your flow state, and this is my biggest issue right now. We might be tolerating disrespectful behaviors, avoiding conflicts, being overly accommodating and feeling responsible for other people's emotions, ignoring our intuition and the list goes on and on.
Speaker 1:So many of us go through life not even realizing that we're neglecting our boundaries. We tell ourselves that we're being selfless, we're being giving, we're a good team player, but here's my question To what extent? Seriously? To what extent? If you're feeling burnt out, if you're experiencing resentment, or if you're neglecting your own self-care and ambitions and your desire to help out, you have a boundary issue. It's not just about being a team player and a good person. It's about assessing the toll that these behaviors take on your own mental, emotional and physical well-being. There's a quote that I found, and I have no clue where it originated, but it's awesome. The quote is the only people who get upset when you set boundaries are the ones who benefited from you having none. That's a mic drop kind of quote, my friends. So I really want you to think about this. I need you to evaluate all the different domains of your life. If the act of being selfless leaves you feeling drained, if giving starts to deplete your reserves, and if your role as team player jeopardizes your personal aspirations, it's time to reevaluate your boundaries. Recognizing these signs is a crucial step in ensuring that your acts of kindness enhance, rather than diminish, your overall quality of life. It's all about striking that balance where you can contribute to others without losing yourself in the process.
Speaker 1:The fifth way that we sabotage is through falling into the trap of the arrival fallacy, and I'm not sure if you've ever heard of this term before, but I can guarantee that you've experienced it at least once in your life. The arrival fallacy is the misguided belief that reaching a specific goal or milestone will bring you lasting happiness. We tell ourselves that if we achieve x, y or z thing, we'll be happier, and all of our problems, all of our negative emotions, all of our insecurities will just magically disappear. And this can really be about anything Money, academics, our careers, relationships, material possessions, travel experiences, fitness goals you name it. Okay, this term was officially first coined by scientist Dr Tel Ben-Shahar.
Speaker 1:I don't know about you, but this is something that I have struggled with my whole life, and I have officially come to recognize it as one of my biggest pitfalls. I have genuinely believed that achieving certain goals would be the key to my happiness, and I have discovered that my finish line constantly shifts. It's that cycle of reaching one goal, only to move the goal post once again. So the reason that the arrival fallacy sabotages us is because it creates the cycle of perpetual dissatisfaction, and you know what I'm talking about. It begins with that initial sense of unhappiness, that little nagging feeling that something is missing from our lives. So what do we do? We go after it, we pursue the goal. We firmly believe that when we achieve this goal we'll feel better. And once we do achieve the goal, we do have that momentary spark of joy. But think about it how long does this spark last? For me, it's typically short-lived, and for a lot of people it leaves them with a sense of heightened disappointment, hopelessness and maybe even for some bouts of depression. And so what we do next is we go after that next goal. We think that this time things will be different, and what happens is we keep repeating and repeating this. This truly affects everyone.
Speaker 1:When I was reading more about this, I saw that NBA star Ray Allen wrote after winning his first championship as the days were on, there was a part of me that felt empty. I'd always believed that when you win a championship, you're transported to some new exalted place. And then there was Aaron Rodgers, who wrote after winning a Super Bowl in 2011. It's natural to question some of the things that society defines as success. When you achieve that and there's not this rung, you know another rung to climb up this ladder. It's natural to be like OK, now what?
Speaker 1:I'm not sure if you've heard of this book before, but the gap in the game. It's a must-read, in my opinion. This book talks about how our focus often dwells on the gap, and the gap is the space between where we are and where we want to be. So I typically refer to this as the miserable middle, and it's this gap that fuels the arrival fallacy. It's what leads us to believe that happiness lies in the attainment of future goals.
Speaker 1:The book states we are hardwired to measure our progress in any and all areas of our life where we have goals and aspirations. We can't not do it, but what we measure and how we measure matters, because our default progress measurement setting leads to self-sabotage and results in deep unhappiness and dissatisfaction with our lives. So, instead of being in the gap, the book encourages a shift in our perspective towards the gain, and the gain is acknowledging and appreciating the progress made, in celebrating the small victories along the way. We want to measure backwards and look at our progress to date, and it's all about remembering where we started and realizing that we've made some real, actual growth and progress. So remember, true success isn't just about reaching the goal. It's about enjoying the journey and finding contentment in the continuous process of self-growth, and it's this that will allow us to break free from the cycle of perpetual dissatisfaction and it will allow us to find more fulfillment and sustainable success.
Speaker 1:Alright, my friend, that's what I have for you for today. And, to recap, the five silent sabotages of success are one, perfectionism. Two, overthinking. Three, imposter syndrome. Four, poor boundaries and five, the arrival fallacy. As you reflect on how these are popping up in your life, I just want to remind you that the road to success is anything but linear. We all have our own unique challenges and the key lies not in avoiding these obstacles, but in confronting them head on. These are not roadblocks. They're opportunities for growth, opportunities for resilience and opportunities for transformation, and this is what's going to allow us to reach peak performance and true fulfillment.
Speaker 1:Talk soon, my friend. Until then keep kicking ass and crushing it. Just a quick reminder this podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes only. Although I am a doctor, I am not your doctor, and listening to these episodes does not establish a doctor-patient relationship. This podcast is not a substitute for the advice of a doctor or other mental health professionals. It's also important to remember that the views expressed are my own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of any institutions or organizations I may be affiliated with. Got it, thank you.