44 - A Throuple Check-In

So you’re all three dating? Tyler and Isaac sit down with Zack, Jordan, and Matt to discuss multi-partner relationships and dynamics. They share the story of how they all three came together and how they navigate the many challenges that come with any relationship: communication, finances, big decisions, all of it.

Join us on all major socials @nogaysinmontana for exclusive content!

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:09

Did we ever find out that song did we ever figure out that song? Isn't it the circus one? We never figured it out. No.

SPEAKER_01 0:15

I can hear it in my head.

SPEAKER_03 0:17

I know, but we cannot figure it out.

SPEAKER_01 0:21

I'm sure I could look.

SPEAKER_03 0:22

It's not there's a there is the circus one.

SPEAKER_01 0:24

That's what I'm thinking. It's not the one. But that's not the starts out like that. Is there anybody listening?

SPEAKER_03 0:28

No, we could not figure out that one.

SPEAKER_01 0:30

French? Circus vibes. Circus creepy circus vibes. Yeah, that's all we got. Just nothing. There's an intro at the beginning of a woman speaking, and she goes, Is anybody listening? Right. And there's a lot of spoken in the song, too. Yeah, yeah, it was kind of like spoken word. Anyway, right in and solved that mystery for us, so. 13. Mm-hmm. And also growing up Gan Rule, Montana. I would also say I'm gonna have to sneeze. I would also say that phenomenon happens to us about once a year, twice a year. We usually would get to the bottom of it. One time I this was probably like 2012, and I thought of and I had known this song, and I literally logged into my iTunes. And iTunes used to have the ability to like go back and tell every song that you'd listen to in order. And I scrolled and scrolled and scrolled and scrolled and scrolled and scrolled and scrolled for probably two hours one night looking for the song. What song was it? Do you remember? Yeah, it was Banks begging for thread. Oh yeah. Great one. Because is that the one we went to see? Went to that Cirque delay show in Vegas and she was doing the balloon thing with the song. Was it that song? No, it was Blood and the Cut. Sorry, that's the song. Yeah. Not by Vegas. It's not by Banks. It's by um kind of same vibe though. My biggest one was um Feel So Good by Sonique. That one I downloaded an app, tried to sing it, and I it was I could not get to the bottom of it. Finally, someone that was of the same era, like 90s baby, I described it to and was able to tell me what it was. Is it that one?

SPEAKER_05 2:28

Then it makes me feel hi.

SPEAKER_00 2:32

Hi then, I'm gonna go.

SPEAKER_01 2:34

Too many stop right there. I looked up the legal and so good. Anyway, hi, how are you? I'm really good. The song was Blood in the Cut by Kay Flay. Anyways, good. I would say we are in the thick of summer and we are trying to do it all. Yes, we are trying to work. Trying to travel, go back to Montana is usually our time. And then of course, podcast. Why not? Multiple sports every night of the week. Yep. We've got two nights of sports during the week. Try to go boating as much as possible. Yep. Three weekend prides out of the four weekends in June. Yep.

SPEAKER_03 3:04

That's actually that's really true.

SPEAKER_01 3:05

Yeah. We are in the middle of it.

SPEAKER_03 3:07

We're at that point right now where it's like, damn, we shouldn't have planned this much. All of our summer weekends are gone.

SPEAKER_01 3:12

I know.

SPEAKER_03 3:12

But then I was we do it every year. I was thinking about it today and I love it.

SPEAKER_01 3:17

I mean, I do like it. Like I like the pace, but I do no, I don't like the pace. I love the pace. I would say I thrive in a fast-paced environment. I'm having fun while I'm doing the thing that we plan to do. Right. But I do feel like I have a hard time being able to like stop and reflect on the fun that I've had or enjoy. I'm having fun doing the thing that I'm doing at the moment. Right. But I don't have any time to be like, God, that was such that was so fun. Yeah. That's fair. June was so fun. I know. I can't believe it's it is the end of June. Today at work, my boss was like, I cannot believe it's the end of June. He was like getting weekends mixed up because he did not realize how far into June we already are. So yeah. No, it's insane. We've been doing a lot though. Uh we did go to White Center Pride the first weekend of June, uh, which honestly is one of my personal favorites. Now I think it's really fun to go to like your local pride just down the street. I think it's a really good mix of everything. And I think it's underrated. Not underrated, it's not the right word. Undercover. It's undercover. Underdiscovered people. Undercover. Yeah, and it's starting to become more and more and more popular. Because once people go once, I feel like they always say, like, oh, you've got to go to White Center Pride. Like it's becoming like a Seattle thing to do the first weekend of June, I feel like. And even though it rained, I think it still turned out fine. And we hosted a little pre-party at our place. Cute, small little 30-ish people. It was probably the most we've ever, I think it's the most individuals we've ever had in our house at once, probably. Yeah. And we hosted it with Adam. Yeah. From last week's episode. So Adam, as we know, recently moved semi-close to us. And so we combined pregames and hosted with him. And it was very fun. So mix of new people. Yeah. Mix of people we already knew. It was great. I loved it. Yeah. And then Drag Show was great. Tyler's ready to go go dance. I am. Ariel and I were standing there, and Ariel, she's like, if you could make your current salary and do this as your full-time job, would you do it? And I was like, absolutely, in a heartbeat. It could, but do you think it would wear on me? Maybe it would. Honestly, I think it would bring you joy. It would. I would. The thing about you is like if you love something, you're obsessive. Yeah. So like if you love something, I would perfect it. I would work on perfecting being a go-go dancer. Sorry to my family. Yeah, we're gonna get you in a full basketball net looking outfit. It's what top to bottom. Little for the imagination. Yeah. But I loved it. It was still fun. I I love White Center Pride too. And there's wrestling. I think that's unique. Yeah. Lariat Bar is a wrestling themed bar, and they do wrestling every year on the street. There's a big wrestling ring. We did run into one l one listener came up to us and said Oh my god, yeah. And I won't say his name because he didn't give us that permission, so I don't want to. But he knows who he is. Um ran up to up to us at Lumber Yard and he came up to us and was just like, You guys are the Arno Gays in Montana podcast. And I would say it's happened maybe like five times total in three years of recording. But this, I will say, this I think is the second that is like cold off the street came up to us and was like, Are you them? Yeah, I listen to your podcast, I love your podcast, keep going. Yeah. So that was awesome. He was there with his friend who's visiting from California, and it was great. Yeah, I would say it's it's always a good little ego boost on all the work that we put into it. Yeah. So you know who you are. I loved your heels. Yeah. Your calves look great. Yeah. But keep listening. Yeah, he he moved here and he somehow discovered us, he said, and and has listened to every single episode. So that was awesome. That was a great end of the pride because it was toward the end of the night. Yes. So it was excellent. And then other than that, do you want to tell him about your exciting purchase and what you're excited for to bring into the summer of 2026? Yes. So we made a purchase for the boat. And so we are ready to take our boat to the next level. I would say in an extreme fashion. I would say so. In an extreme fashion. So we purchased eight-year-old Isaac would say extreme. It's yeah. So prior to now, we've we've skied behind our boat, like water skied, but we have not done any other water activity. We've kind of just trolled around, had drinks, listened to music, chatted, swam. We have added a tube to our boat inventory. It's our first water sport. Our first water sports. Second. We have skis. So we are now going to be swinging and thinging our tearing up, like our friends with our friends around Lake Washington and every other group of 12-year-olds on the lake. So looking forward to that. We bought it in Montana because no sales tax. So more to come with that. We'll probably share a picture or a video or two. Yeah, for sure. From the hospital. Um, okay. I think that brings us to jumping in today's episode, which I'm super excited about. Tyler, do you want to tell listeners what we're jumping into? Yes. So we have our friends Matt, Zach, and Jordan, and they are in a thruple. We originally met them a couple years ago, two years ago, I think. Yeah. And we originally met Matt, and then shortly after, we hung out with them, went on the boat with them, and became fast friends since then. So we've known them for a few years, definitely have integrated friend groups, and we wanted to have them on the podcast because for us, and then we were we're presuming a lot of our listeners, the concept of a thruple or being any sort of full poly relationship is new. Yeah, multi-partner relationship for sure. Multi-partner relationship. So we have learned so much from them just by being friends with them. So we wanted to like have them on and discuss a bunch of different things.

SPEAKER_03 8:09

We talk about misconceptions, we talk about kind of what's going on and and what they see out in the world today, like social media-wise, and what people are saying about the concept of having more than one partner.

SPEAKER_01 8:18

Yep. We talk about finances, we talk about and then we also we get to hear their story of like how they got together, which Isaac and I have heard before, but this is obviously a lot more detail as they as they line out the progression and the timeline of them all getting together. So it's a really, really good episode. I'm very excited. And we can go ahead and get started. Let's jump into it. So when we first sent our little text message, it was like, hey boys, it's time for the request that we sent to all of our friends at some point. Um, what were your like initial thoughts for each of you? Oh, I was so excited. Honestly, I feel like I've that was my waiting. You were like, what's been taking so long? I think it was more of like, I'm excited to talk about this because I think majority of the things that I have seen lately on social media has just been so negative with being in a thrumple. Oh, yeah, I can't wait to get into it. And yeah, I think that's why I got so excited because I'm like, I want to actually talk about it because it's really making me almost angry because the per the perception is just I was Aubrey Plaza on Drag Race. Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

SPEAKER_05 9:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:20

What'd she say? This is the best day of my life. Oh I thought you said something bad about thruples like drag race. But no, no. I was excited. Um Aubrey Plaza's pro multi-partner relationships. Yeah, very much. Famously, she said, This is my boyfriend, this is my boyfriend's boyfriend. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 9:35

Um I wasn't excited to do it. Then when it happened, I was like, oh shit, now I have to go talk about myself and my relationship. It's really nerve it's nerve-wracking when you go to like actually do it. Um, you know, I'm not like the first to speak up usually. I don't talk a lot. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:48

So I'm like happy to be here. Yeah. I'm excited to put it out there. I feel like I'm nervous about it. I don't know why. What makes you nervous though? My parents are such interesting characters. I like them. Oh god.

SPEAKER_02 10:00

They're the least the people I'm least concerned about.

SPEAKER_01 10:02

I think I had the same feeling. Like when we started, I was like really nervous about my family. But I think it's like almost a really good medium to where you can like say what you want to say or say things. You don't necessarily have to like you can send it to them and be like, you can listen to this, you can not listen to this, you can respond if you want, you don't have to respond. Then at least you know they like heard you. Yeah, it's kind of how I felt with my family. It seems easier than telling them directly. Yeah, kind of in some sort of way. And you get to like can't we get to like think through things and speak things without having to like sit there and consistently be like, what are they thinking? What are they thinking about this? What are they? Yeah, you know what I mean? So for sure. Also, for listeners, if you're not watching, we have four microphones and five people. So Isaac and I are trying to share a microphone. Yeah, this is our first uh one we've ever done with five people, but we're really excited. Yes. Um, well, thank you for joining us. Obviously, we've this is one we've been really excited to do. It's definitely been on our list for sure since I think we even like had the idea about the podcast. So, everyone we'd like to welcome to the studio. We have Jordan, Zach, and Matt with us. I'll uh each of you introduce yourselves, though, just so people know who you are. So Jordan, you can start. Hi, I'm Jordan. I'm Zach. And I'm Matt. Yeah. And then today we really want to start on the topic of just polyamorous relationships, multi-partner relationships, threple. And obviously, you're the example of that that we know the closest for sure. And we've spent the last, I don't know, it's been three years. Two and a half pretty close. Two and a half. That's crazy. Yeah. Just getting to know each other. I would say um, y'all throw the best Grammy parties. So that's how I would say Grammy just happened. Absolutely claim to fame. Okay. Um, so getting into it, I guess my first question is just kind of like level set listeners. How do you all describe your relationship, especially to others? What's so funny is that this first question really threw us for a loop because I don't feel like we've really had an answer on out like what we tell people. Yeah. It's usually an actual conversation.

SPEAKER_02 11:48

Like someone asks you about relationship or you're talking about relationships like uh partners, and they're like, What is that?

SPEAKER_01 11:54

What do you mean partners? And then I'm like, Oh, I have two partners, and they're like, How does that work? And then it's just this, do you live together? Do you all see them slay in bed? And it's just it's which are all great questions, but hearing but going through those motions every single time is a little tiring. Yes. I just had I just got a new boss and I was talking about y'all, and and she was like, Oh, I was like, just just so you know, I have two partners and they're great, blah blah blah. She was really nice about it. I also work at UW, so they're all secure. Like they're ready. And in HIV research, and so we're all like varied down, but yeah, I feel like it it usually comes up pretty naturally. Um, they're usually the ones that have more questions, which is great. I've had some interesting responses of like, Oh, you have partners? And I'm like, Yeah, I got two partners. They're like, that's new. I'm not kidding. I have gotten that reaction, and I was like, Okay, interesting. And then another one of like, nice, yeah. And then they moved on.

SPEAKER_02 12:53

They moved on from that conversation. Yeah. Do I want to get into that? Do I need to and then next thing you know, my discussion is way too long for anyone to want to read it. So situations like that, I still just say partner and kind of just generalize. Um, so it's kind of complex, especially when it comes to like text conversation. Yeah. That's just a big conversation that there's a lot to have over.

SPEAKER_01 13:35

Yeah. It's like a another step. Because like I feel like the first step when you like come out as gay is like you say like my boyfriend. And people have the same response. Like, yeah. Nice. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh. Oh, my daughter, my daughter loves gay people. It's like that. Exactly. Uh-huh. But then I think then then like the next step with what you say, my daughter loves gay people. That's just funny because it's like in you, but not you. Just your daughter. I have gotten that like multiple times. I can see ah, my daughter's obsessed with gay people. Yeah. But then like with a poly situation, I think it's like another step and another explanation and another thing that's like to come out again. Yes. And holistically, society-wise, I feel like most, and you can correct me if you feel differently, but I feel like most people are like normalized more so and exposed to like queerness. But then the poly situation is like another like a additional one. So you've got to a lot of people. Definitely. It's brand new for them.

SPEAKER_02 14:31

Yes. Right. So very much. Especially parental and family conversations. That's that was the hardest thing. Like living in Seattle, I'm really grateful because it's actually relatively easy. Yeah. People kind of get it here. But yeah, it's it's families back home, and you know, if you're traveling, I don't know, and you just never know what kind of reaction you're gonna get. So yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:48

I've had multiple people here be like, I was in thruple once. Yeah, it did last. That was another thing I was gonna ask. It's like, do you have people that like because I feel like sometimes people try to relate? Oh yeah, oh yeah. They're like their go-to to be nice is like to relate to you. Very much. Yeah. Do you use the term thruple? How do you feel about the term thruple? Is it like, do you have different feelings about it? For me, I I feel like I use thruple if like when I say partners and they're like, wait, what do you mean? I'm like, oh, I'm in a thruple.

SPEAKER_00 15:15

Yeah, I feel like it's more definitely more specific than being in a poly relationship because sometimes that can get yeah, that's more people from like a primary partner with like it's nuanced.

SPEAKER_01 15:26

Yes, yeah, yeah. I think it describes it the best. Yeah, because we're all primary partners. Yes, yeah, it's a triangle, yeah. And equal equilateral triangle. Sure. There you go.

SPEAKER_02 15:36

There you go. Algebra that came up in the polypodcast, the poly episode, I remember. Oh yeah. The triangle. Yeah. I think the best way, and it I was kind of thinking this through earlier today, actually, like how I would describe it. That's kind of important to contextualize for the rest of this conversation because it kind of goes into you know like conflicts and misconceptions and things like that. And it's also something that we've learned along the way, too, because I mean, you don't go into a relationship like this, or really any any relationship, knowing exactly what it is, how it's gonna go, how to navigate it. Yeah. I think the important thing is to know is like it's not just one singular relationship. There are three unique individual relationships within it as well. There's Jordan Matt, Zach and Jordan, Matt and Zach. So there's three relationships within the relationship that you have to consider and navigate. Because if you just act like there's one relationship here, then three very different people are not getting needs met, they're not getting worried, you know, there's a lot of that goes into that.

SPEAKER_01 16:34

Especially because we all, I feel like communicate and talk to each other so differently. Right. Like we really got to learn how to manage the relationship to make sure everyone feels seen and loved, you know. And so it I feel like it has put a lot more work for us in a sense of like wanting to make this successful and be together, which is also like what I love about it. Yeah, I would imagine it's a lot more intentional. Oh, yeah, yeah, very much, especially with communication and like very much of like yeah, yeah. Communication is the biggest is the whenever we have an issue, it's communication.

SPEAKER_05 17:08

Yeah, yes, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 17:10

For anyone, for everybody. That's the thing, is like it's so much like a couple relationship, just an additional person, so that you add just add another dimension onto what you're dealing with in a any other relationship.

SPEAKER_01 17:22

Yeah, so getting to that, what I want to do is dive into like how did we get to that relationship? And this is my understanding. I'm gonna turn over you all to really, really elaborate. Yeah. So Jordan and Matt, yes, you met in college. Correct. Why don't we start there? Yeah. Ten years ago, around right now. Yeah, actually. It's crazy. My birthday. January 27th was the first day that we met. Okay, knows the actual date. Yeah, I was in my like dorm room. We went to the University of Iowa. Don't shout them out. Um we went there. I I was in my dorm. And we met through Tinder. That was where we met. And yeah, we just hung out like our first day. You're also in the dorms and you lived like a block away. Three blocks, two blocks maybe away from me. And yeah, oh gosh, I hate cliches. But he was on for the first time, and I was like, it's different. Yeah, it's different, something's different, and I in a good way. And I remember telling him, I was like, Oh, this is gonna be dangerous. Yeah, because I feel like the first time we met, it was kind of just instant. Yeah, which is I thought was great, and especially because I just already dating people, I didn't know many gay people. Yeah, I didn't know really, I didn't have any representative to show me how to be a queer person in college. Yeah. Um, and so I imagine Iowa's probably Iowa's queer community is probably about similar to Montana's queer community. At least at the time, like we had like there was very limited representation, or at least any sort of like out representation.

SPEAKER_00 18:39

I had a gay bar.

SPEAKER_01 18:40

There was like never mind. It's in it's actually it's a very liberal city of Iowa. Yeah. And there are liberal hubs of it's not enough to meditate for the rest of Iowa, but it was a safe space. Yeah, I thought. And then did you start dating right away? No, we weren't dating right away. It was more of dating, messing around.

SPEAKER_00 19:03

Yeah, dating, messing around, and just seeing each other often. Not really putting a label on it yet.

SPEAKER_01 19:09

And then a few, what, two months later, three months later, then we like made it official. Okay. I can't remember that date. What and what and six okay. So then you start dating, and then during that time of dating in that 10 years, were there other multi-partner relationships, strupple relationships prior to poor Zach was ever um sorry, poor Zach in the view. I think the main the main turning point, I think. He's a poor thing. Yes. No, I heard poor. Right? It's a before. Zach. Not poor Zach. I said before Zach was ever in the view. I mean he is victimized to bias on the daily show. Oh, and then you were repeating me saying before, but I said before. And that's how that happens. Okay. I think the I think the turning point of our relationship where we were open to new new things was he had a good friend who was very, very attracted to a very lovely person. We went on a went to a pride trip in Chicago. We were in we are in a closed, like monogamous relationship. Yeah. And we were all just like out for Pride Weekend, and I just so badly wanted. I just I couldn't resist the the aura of this other person. Yeah. And I think I think we were like all in bed together, like not doing anything, but like I just like started like initiating things with him. And I remember you were so mad, like so mad at me. And apparently. It's okay if you were. I mean, this is like this is core relationship memory. Yeah. But anyways, so I didn't go any further than just like feeling up, maybe a little kissing. And then we got back to Iowa and we like really had to sit down and like have the conversation of like, was that okay? Like, that's not really something we ever really discussed. And we came to terms with the fact that we would open, somewhat open our relationship to people who we like approved of. You know, we had to in advance kind of tell them what our intention was with meeting up with this person, but they were also this person was our good friend. Yeah. So it wasn't like we didn't have like it wasn't like you're meeting up with someone you don't know or don't trust or anything like that. I ended up hooking up with them separately when they were out one night. It was it was really fun and it felt new. And but I remember feeling a lot of guilt, like even just doing that when you weren't there, because it's just not, I mean, monogamy is so ingrained right into us culturally, yeah. That that it it's like you can have so much fun in the moment, and then you like look back and like, oh my gosh, and that is like am I gonna like ruin the relationship? Is Matt not gonna trust me anymore? I mean, I told him everything we did, blah, blah, blah, blah. But from then on, that's kind of like sparked the like sexually open. I don't I that didn't change how we felt in terms of like romantic relationships with other people. But that was kind of the push. And I don't think that really I don't want to speak for y'all, but I don't think that really changed until we moved here and started talking to y'all. Yeah, I don't think I was ever emotionally open to wanting a third person. In our relationship until we met Zach.

SPEAKER_00 22:02

I I know I was that open to it.

SPEAKER_01 22:05

Yeah. Because I remember when you started to have feelings for Zach. I was initially like, oh, can we just can you take a step back and can we check in? A lot of checking. Which we still do. Yeah. And just see where it goes. But then we all started hanging out and it was like it just made sense. Interesting. Okay. So we went for a really long time living in like really six years before we like were uh officially like well it wasn't officially, we didn't like I feel like announce it to each other, but it was well the open relationship had started long before that, and that that was working fine. I I also don't think we met anybody and seriously hung out with anybody to the degree that we did him and also clicked with a degree that we did with Zach. And so I don't know if you want to talk about it. Like how did you meet Zach? Well, I think you've maybe told us before, but in the true version, because I have a live version that I tell a lot of like just people who are like some people we met at a game night party. That's what we've got to do. Which technically is what it was called. Yeah, okay. Yeah, I know what you mean. There's different PR versions for everything.

SPEAKER_02 23:10

Before that, even though Matt and I chatted on Grinder maybe on Instagram three or four months before we had ever met in person. Yep. And then you guys actually met up, right? It was only a couple weeks before we met. Okay. But then Jordan and I were talking on Instagram. I had to go.

SPEAKER_01 23:27

Or did we do that? This is why I love like when we talked to our friends because we like learned so much.

SPEAKER_02 23:33

So not to interrupt, but yeah, messages with Matt and Grinder didn't go anywhere. But apparently. And then I was talking to Jordan on Instagram, and I think that's where we ended up. It was on your birthday. Yeah. Yeah. Something else. Were you like keenly aware that they're together? Yeah. I knew they were together, but like the conversations with Matt were months prior, and I wasn't really like we like talked about it and getting together and just yeah, again. But Jordan was easier.

SPEAKER_01 24:03

You know, that's probably true. So I'm not sending it to my family.

SPEAKER_02 24:07

So yeah, we hooked up on your birthday, and then I think shortly after that, we had mutual friends who were having a game night party.

SPEAKER_01 24:15

Game night in quotes.

SPEAKER_02 24:16

We put air quotes up for game night.

SPEAKER_01 24:18

Okay, fun. Um there were games. Then I let in other things.

SPEAKER_02 24:22

Yeah, we played it was video games, food, yeah. It was a party. Anyway, so yeah, that's how we all met in person. So it was the first time all three of you were like tonight.

SPEAKER_01 24:30

I do want to address something about the party. They did not hook up with a single other person there, they were so obsessed with each other. Yeah. I had already met him before then, but you two were like not interested in anybody else, which happens, but also I could tell like they were very into each other.

SPEAKER_02 24:48

And then a few days later, I came over to hang out with you, really just to hang out. And we had conversations. I actually asked, I remember asking you what how you defined your relationship, like what sort of relationship you were in. And you said you were sexually open, but I remember this. Yes. But anyway, I was like, I was on my way out, and you had were just getting home from work, and somehow Game of Thrones got brought up. Yeah. So we and we lived really close to each other. So we decided we were gonna re-watch Game of Thrones together because we were all ready. Yep. And that's a that's a commitment. That's eight. And I don't know what it is.

SPEAKER_01 25:22

Oh no, but and it was immediate like we need to watch this all together. Yeah, I still can't get Tyler to watch it. And honestly, really. We've tried that we're watching it right now. Right now, it is happening right now.

SPEAKER_02 25:33

He's watched the first season for the seventh time.

SPEAKER_00 25:35

Oh my god, it just gets better from there.

SPEAKER_02 25:36

We'll watch it with you if you don't want to. Yeah, talk them over. But it might end up in a tuple. Maybe I'll trouble.

SPEAKER_01 25:42

But yeah, yeah. So we were watching Game of Thrones. It was I kid you not, it was every day he was over watching Game of Thrones until we finished it. And then they were like, what are we? And then yeah, we all had a conversation when we were all laying down in bed. I mean, we went to concerts and we went to Vancouver and spending a lot of really quality time that felt more it wasn't it's sex anymore, it was very much like relationship based.

SPEAKER_02 26:07

That's what got us hanging out constantly. A lot of also the sex was lovely, so that does help. Yeah, yeah. Well, it's a great foundation.

SPEAKER_01 26:13

Yes, it is for sure. But I I do remember laying in that bed and and I I think you you two had told your parents by then that you were like maybe talking. I don't know about you, Matt, but I knew for sure you were talking to your mother that you were like hanging out with these two boys that you really enjoyed and they were a couple together. And I remember laying in that bed and and all this like feelings and build up and you said it best. I and I think this is what you said. You're like, if there's no other word for what you're feeling, it's love. Yeah. Because we were all like laying in. Cause we were all just laying in bed and trying to figure out like what what are we doing here? What is what is what are we trying to accomplish? And honestly, at the at that point, we all kind of looked at each other, like I am having these feelings for these two people that feel equal and beyond sex, it's not lust, it's not less. It's like I want them both here with me.

SPEAKER_00 27:04

Like, what what is this? And then I think we all said it kind of at the same time, like, I think we love each other, and then he moved in what like a month later.

SPEAKER_01 27:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 27:13

It isn't bad.

SPEAKER_01 27:14

Well, it was like um it saved money. So as we talk about different relationships within the relationship, were there also conversations, Matt, that you and Jordan were having. Oh, yeah, today. Like, how are we feeling about this? Six years of just being us too. We haven't really done this before in terms of a romantic yeah, you know. Yes, because there got to a point of him being over all the time, and we were not necessarily neglecting our relationship together, but it was more of like, okay, we hadn't had time to like we didn't have time for just us like leaning into this, like riding the wave all stuff. Like, yeah, yeah. And it was difficult to communicate, however, it wasn't like did you two have to have a conversation with each other? It was like oh yeah, oh yeah, being feeling what I'm feeling and are we all headed towards the same thing, and if that thing's out. Because we both needed to be on the same page in regards to our feelings through sets. Because if it was gonna be unwritten and someone was gonna feel some type of way they're pursuing this more, then it was like, I don't think we could. I don't remember a specific time of being like, okay, we're all like in a relationship together, but I definitely remember checking in with you and being like, Yes, are these the same? Are we having the same feelings? Are they the same intensity too? Right. Because I uh consent is huge, and it's like I don't want to push him into a relationship with someone else if he's only half in it. Yeah, but it was very it did very much seem equal. Yeah, and I think that's that's just how we ended up being okay with everything that was going on. Yeah, but in a sense of our relationship, we kind of had to go through the mindset of being like, okay, yeah, our relationship isn't necessarily done or through with, we are going on to a new phase of it, yeah, and it's gonna be different, kind of growing with each other. Yeah, I mean, I think this is where it's just us together is was very different than all three of us. Interesting. Yeah, so it's definitely a new phase of of a relationship. So we were six years in, so we were like obviously deep in it. Yeah. Okay, so now all three of you've been together for how long? Four years. Nice. Okay. Four years. Okay, we're a toddler. Yeah. Okay, so you're all once you're all together, then it comes, you kind of have to go through this like coming out again, I feel like, in a way. Kind of talk us through what was it like with your friends, which I would imagine is probably the easiest layer, right? But then as you lean into like friends and family, and especially your families that have known you two together for six years, yep. Can you kind of talk about that? And I think we should all talk about our own family. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's hear it. I want to hear split it up. Just for background, I grew up in the Midwest. My family is like not necessarily close-minded, but they do lean to the right side. Um very like conservative, traditional. Yes. Anything that's like new or different or crevet, not something they're used to. Very much. I think, yeah. But to be honest, when I told them that Jordan because how I would phrase it, I was like, Oh, Jordan and I are dating Zach. Yeah. Honestly, it was so easy. Yeah, I had no problems. They were like, Oh, okay, though. Can't wait to meet him. Like that's awesome. They were really open and accepting. And my grandparents at the time were like, What is this? What's going on? They I don't think fully understood it at the time. Now, like my grandpa grandma's passed, but my grandpa also for Christmas got both of them a Christmas gift. Like they're they understand now that it's kind of take them on the path to being like this is what this is. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. And then Zach, for you, obviously very different because you're telling your parents I'm dating people.

SPEAKER_02 30:42

You know, so um my parents are so easy and so cool. It wasn't really challenging, it was just weird. It's like uncomfortable to say, regardless of what your parents think. Exactly. Yeah, so hard. Um, but I yeah, like one of you said earlier, I I was talking to my mom maybe a month or two into us hanging out, and I was like told her I was like, Oh, I have feelings for like I for this couple. I have no idea if anything can ever come of this. And you know, she's super motherly and cool. And she's like, you know, just make sure you are being careful and protecting your own feelings, and there's only so much you can do, you know, all the all the mom things, and like it was really helpful and great. But ultimately telling them when we were officially what we are, it was easy. It was like my grandparents and my great aunts. Love her. That was weird, yeah. My great aunt, yeah. We all love her. Um, but she I think she's she still says, like, say hi to your friends for me. Say hi to some of your roommates or whatever. Yeah, roommates. Yeah. I mean, I think she knows that but no, and none of it was difficult for me, unfortunately. Yeah, really great. Very fortunate for her.

SPEAKER_01 31:46

Okay, Jordan, what about you? My parents are this was very surprising for me, the reaction that they got. I was not expecting this type of reaction from them. My parents and my whole family are super like super, super liberal. But I know my parents, and like when I came out, it makes sense to talk about this. Because when I came out, it was actually because my prep prescription had charged to my parents in turn. That was how I was like modern I was out in by the US medical system. Jordan, there's a lawsuit there. You gotta file it. Like literally, they're like, oh my god, are you dying? Like that was literally their their reaction. They're also super Jewish, so everything is very dramatic. Yeah. And so when when this came up, I they had the same reaction of like, oh my god, are you being safe? Like, what does this mean for your past relationship? They they didn't really believe in it. And even when he moved in, and even when we bought our house together, they still were like super like very hesitant about it. They're being protected, like, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, and it wasn't like they weren't okay with it. That's not what I'm trying to say. But like they're just like chronic warriors, it's right, it's part of the Jewish gene. Yeah, he has this gene. And so they're always kind of catastrophizing situations where like I understand the concern about you know, buying a house with three people and like all having your name on like it's all a risk. Right. But I had to make I had to come back to them and be like, well, it's a risk just being with Matthew. Like it's nothing is certain. Yeah, well, no, no, no. I didn't mean it like that. I don't know, like just being in a relationship in general, it it's it's a risk that you take. And of course, like adding another facet, adding another person does make it a little bit more complicated, but the risk doesn't change all that much. And so I really had to kind of push them through how this doesn't really change. Like Matt's still gonna be around and Zach's a great person, and they've really come around to it, and you know, they get us all gifts for you know, like we're all included, but it was a lot more difficult than like if you would have turned to us and been like who's whose parents are gonna have the most issue with it or have the hardest time digesting it, I wouldn't have guessed mine just based off of like political affiliation, yeah, which was very interesting that it did not go that way.

SPEAKER_02 34:03

But now I'm everyone's favorite.

SPEAKER_01 34:04

No, sure. And my mom, as like I'm surprised you were worried about his mom because mine is a character. Yeah, love her, love. I feel like it's a bit like a great lesson in just like queer culture too, yeah, is I feel like people look at it and they're like, oh, you have little parents, you're fine. Yeah. And that isn't always the case because at the end of the day, like they're still parents. And they still inherently worry. So if you have any sort of thing that like is an outlier potentially or makes you othered or different in any sort of way, they just like worry about you and sort of like, are you gonna be okay being outside of the norm? And they don't necessarily care that you're they don't care about the thing that's putting you outside. Yeah, but they're worried about just like making sure that you're always protected. It's like it's like so intuitive. Yes. And it's like so everything they do and everything they approach. Yep. So I don't I think that's a surprise to people, or like people are surprised by that when you tell them that like maybe your liberal parents didn't have like the same reaction you'd think. Because like my parents are really liberal, but my mom specifically had a really hard time with me coming out. But it was more so of like letting go of the idea of everything in her head that she thought was gonna be my life had nothing to do with political affiliation. It was more so like her letting this honestly image go away. Yeah, it's a little bit self-replaced with this different dream.

SPEAKER_02 35:18

Yeah, and also it doesn't really matter how liberal or open to things you are. We still all grow up with these life scripts and these cultural norms that even if you don't think they're necessarily right for everybody or what you should live by, it's still there. It's still what we know. So it's it can be really uncomfortable even for ourselves, I think, to come out of that and realize that what we want, what we're doing is okay.

SPEAKER_01 35:44

Yeah. Because I remember my mom being like, Oh, we're so are you in Jordan not gonna get married now? Like, are you not gonna have kids? Like, what does that look like? And like to be honest, we never the this idea of marriage was not something that we ever and correct me if I'm wrong, was like ever something we talked about. No, I think we were on the trajectory. Yeah, for sure. But I I it wasn't I don't need or one. It was just like I just want to be with Jordan because I love him and I want and to share medical insurance. Yeah, yeah. Exactly. Exactly. Precise. But no, no, I agree with that. Yeah. Let's get into the communication of it all. Because I feel like that a lot of questions are just like, how do you manage conflict? How do you win things, how do you celebrate, how do you manage those interpersonal relationships with each other without all three of you? So I would say, first off, just like general communication. What are the things that you've learned? Think previous relationships before all three of you and how those were based and how you communicated. What are things that you've learned in your relationship together that has really just like changed or it's different or the same?

SPEAKER_02 36:45

Well, it's a constant evolving learning process. Yeah, it's it's difficult. Not in a not in a bad way, though.

SPEAKER_01 36:54

Like it it is all beneficial of figuring out what works for us.

SPEAKER_02 37:00

We've done several different things. For a while, we were doing a weekly check-in. Like one night of the week, we would all come together. Sometimes we'd have a list of things to talk about. It's like very structured. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And you know, we'd talk about events, talk about how everyone's feeling, anything that came up that week that we want to talk about. And honestly, I mean it's it's super helpful. We've kind of fallen out of that a little bit. Yeah, still occasionally like we'll come back and be like, okay, we should probably do a check-in.

SPEAKER_03 37:25

It was one yesterday.

SPEAKER_02 37:26

We did one yesterday. Um I think it's still even on our calendar, which is another thing we need.

SPEAKER_01 37:32

Every Sunday. The shared calendar. That's a big thing.

SPEAKER_02 37:35

Yeah, we started this was maybe a year ago or maybe we started a shared calendar just to on our like AppleCon, whatever. Yeah. And um we each have our own like color that we put our events in. And then we have a color for like the group. So it's like a group event. So we'll put things on there.

SPEAKER_01 37:52

The one thing I feel like that had benefited us the most was, and I was hesitant with this for some reason was the two separate group chats of having one that's just you know, fuck around, whatever, the other being like important things that we need to talk about. We'll get buried. Like oh yeah. Jordan loves to send 20 text messages with you know one word each. Oh, then on a couple. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but my texting style is very aggressive. And so I feel like that has helped us a lot of organizing, of like talking about important things, trips, whatever. Yeah, and then the other is just doing it. Not only is it three people, it's now three families like that have expectations of you to be places and do things and it that in itself, yeah. All of us had decently large families, and so it it's it's definitely interesting. But in terms of like, I want to bring it back to like communication, like as a thruple, and like about I think in the beginning, and I don't want to speak for you, maybe you can speak more about it. Zach struggled a lot with with jealousy, and it made it wasn't really between us two, because like we we decided that when all three of us got together that we were not going to have a monogamous thruple. Like we weren't just gonna close it off to the three of us, and we were going to still go out and have fun with other people, you know, barring whatever rules we had set up. And I think looking back on it, like I'm not I don't regret that we did it. Like, I think it would have been a little bit more beneficial had we kind of just closed it off for a little bit and kind of focused on on the three of us because I think you really struggled with feeling like you could lose this at any moment because it was so new. Yeah. Um because in Jordan Eye's mindset, we were like, oh, we're locked in, we want to have Zach with us. Zach is in a different position. And doesn't have that security. Yeah. Did you feel like you were trailblazers? Did you feel alone? Did you feel like in a lot of areas you were? But it sounds like you actually knew people that had a lot of advice. Yeah. I think they gave us a good amount of a good place to start. Yeah. I I also want to say we are not trailblazers. There's no. I feel like this has definitely happened. I feel like maybe you feel like you were by yourself. Like did you feel like you didn't have like outside resources? I've personally still feel like, yes, in a sense of like we've gone to this point where we're in a flow, our communication has gotten better. We have people we can talk to, talk about it with. However, we don't know any other troubles. Right, that's what I mean. Like, yeah, we don't they're there. Well, I also will say that. Yes, and I will say that there are just and they are not together anymore. Yes. Well, oh no, no, there will be no names. Um I but I would say like trailblazer from the standpoint of a lot of people in your friends and family groups. Okay, okay, yes. You know what I mean? Like some there's certain situations. This sounds like way up my own asshole, but there's certain situations just being where we're from and the lack of exposure that we had growing up or like people around us had. I do think there's like an element of trailblazing in that you're like the first thruple that people have been close to and known, right? I too. So from that aspect, I think you are that for people. So don't sell yourself short. No, that's a good point. I mean, I my I never really thought about it that way because my two best friends who you guys have have met, Millie and Hannah, who are always at the Grammy's party, they ask such like amazing, like deep questions about like how this works and blah blah blah. And and I want to think that it's kind of helped them possibly in their own relationships about like dealing with things with.

SPEAKER_02 41:24

Yeah, I think it helps us when they ask those questions.

SPEAKER_01 41:26

Yeah, they're they're like the probe. Oh, they are probers and I know y'all are gonna be listening to this to reach and I'm not gonna shout them out. They'll just dig and dig and that's that's what I need. And also like it also makes like you were saying, like, it makes us think a lot deeper about how we've navigated all this stuff. And I'm hopeful that it's it gives them insight into different facets of future relationships that they have, maybe not being poly, but opening being more open to different situations, whatever that may be, and not like picturing a relationship as something that's perfect. Not that I think they do that, but again, it's I mean they have this idea of what a relationship is and we we've changed. We've changed that idea for them.

SPEAKER_02 42:11

I think that's important for everybody is not to hold yourself back from something because you don't think society wants you to do that, or you think society doesn't want you to do that.

SPEAKER_01 42:20

Yeah, or just because you don't you don't have anyone else around you that's doing it. Yeah, I mean just like that was like the whole premise of us coming out is like, well, I didn't see anybody who was successful or or even like exist that I can think of that was like an adult gay man that's like they're okay. Yeah and I didn't have bad examples either, I just had just had none. Yeah. It was like this isn't a reality, this doesn't exist. Yeah. In our life, yeah, personal lives, yep. I think it's great in relationship advice to the like structured check-ins. That sounds so therapy-esque to the generation before us. But like they're like, You mean you set a meeting where you sit there and you talk to your partner about things how you're feeling when you're not angry? What do you mean? You know what I mean? Like it sounds but like Tyler and I really implemented that to yeah. I but I think a lot of it is like our relationship was bound in best friendship. Yeah. And so us like coming together and being like, here's my issues. Like it felt normal. It's like almost like a maintenance conversation. Yeah, yeah, just like checking in.

SPEAKER_00 43:13

I think that's a good way to put it.

SPEAKER_01 43:14

I think that's great advice for any kind of relationship. And it's just like bringing things to the table in a moment that's not heated, it's intentional, like you, it's honestly like coming up on the calendar, and you're like, hey, just you know, or and then like make it fun and be like, okay, we're gonna cook dinner. Yep, and then we bring like our little sticky note of things we want to talk about. And some of them are like fun and exciting, some of them are like checking in about like sex or relationships with your friends and being like that kind of stuff and just like a true check in. And then also I think it's we call them paper cuts, just kind of a corporate term, but it's like, what are the things that are just like really bugging me right now? Yeah. Oh, yeah. And I think normally in traditional relationships, and by sorry, uh not traditional, but like the history of relationships, yeah, people bring those in moments of anger and they like throw them in there, right? I think when you have these check-ins that are just like this is what's bugging me, and I'm not mad about it right now, but I've been mad about it, or it's I've been carrying it. I think it just kind of levels the playing field and like you can actually progress in your relationship and get to like what resolution and growth. Yeah, what the check-ins really did for us, I think, is made us think about the intentionality of what we are concerned about and it gave us a moment to think introspectively of why we're feeling a certain way for a certain situation. It was also helpful because I feel like sometimes like some of us don't want to talk about the things in the moment because that's just our like coping strategy. It's like if it's bothering me, I feel like I'm more of like I need to talk about it right now. Yes. But I know some of us are not. And so it to bring it up when everybody is not heated as heated anymore. And like, especially for conflict resolution, they were they were very helpful. Do you all have uh natural roles that you fall into? Like is one of you very much the harmonizer? I thought you were asking, like, one of you one, two, three, you're all gonna you're all gonna point at someone at the table of who's the harmonizer. Three, two, one. I guess yeah.

SPEAKER_00 45:04

Well, I I'd say I think a lot of the times Jordan does like to be the mediator in the situation because I think Zach and I tend to be more stubborn in our feelings and communication.

SPEAKER_01 45:19

You guys tend to fall on the on the outside, and I'm like, oh well, we can meet in the middle and sing and sing songs and and we can agree with each other and all that. I also don't I don't do well when there's tension, like unspoken, like I need it to be solved because it physically makes me ill. Like, is it like you lean into conflict or you feel more so like you need to get rid of it? Like you need to squash it. I need it, yes. That yeah, yeah, yeah. I need it to be okay. Whereas I think Zach and I are very different than us. And they can ruminate and I cannot. Yeah, I'm a ruminator. I have no fear of conflict. I'm like, I'm gonna sit on that and then I'm gonna come back. Yes, yeah. I think it's healthy to talk about it and have conflict. I don't want that to become but like at the end of the conversation, like I need a resolution. Yes. I'm a and I I don't like waiting, so I'm a classic, like four minutes to go back, and I'll be like, Are you still mad at me? Oh, yeah. Literally four minutes. Well, I went through a whole phase because I also felt like I know you felt somewhat insecure in the beginning of our relationship, thinking, you know, that we could leave like worst case scenario, we could leave him at any moment. I also felt oh, I definitely was like felt like he could just get up and leave whenever he wanted as well. So my thing that I always didn't know, I don't do it anymore. If you've noticed, they used to be like, Do you love me? Do you love me?

SPEAKER_00 46:40

No, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_02 46:40

It's not and I never knew if it was serious or if he was just joking around.

SPEAKER_01 46:44

Yeah, some of it was serious, some of it was probably just they were like ready to get back to playful, and Tyler's like that too. And I'm like, You're gonna have to wait till like at least tomorrow. Like a full sleep cycle and two meals, yes, and some time to myself and some video games, and then we'll talk. Tyler just doesn't operate like that. I always say the worst marriage, I've said this like a hundred times on this podcast, but the worst marriage advice the most like stereotypical was like, just never go to sleep mad. Just don't go to sleep mad. And I'm like, no, bitch, I need to go to sleep. Or this will not end. Yeah, I I so agree. And I feel like exhausted. See, I'm a believer in that. I cannot. No, I'm like, I've been. You can stay over there.

SPEAKER_02 47:23

Yeah, I'm so in the middle too, because sometimes I just depending on what it is. Like, I won't bring it up, but sometimes I'll be laying in bed, like, I I need to just no, that's you.

SPEAKER_00 47:35

Yeah, you are a heifer and pupper. No.

SPEAKER_02 47:37

No, I'll be laying in bed being like, should I just like do we need to just talk about this right now? Or yes. And he's like, Yes, and I feel like you're like, just go to sleep and we'll talk about it later. I don't know. But I think there's more things that we can try and learn too. Like, I I think a lot of time when there's conflict between two of us, I don't think it needs to be all three of us trying to resolve it. Yeah, that's a hard thing for believe and that's what we often do, and I think that third person sometimes can make it worse. Yeah, just like or just not help. That's a really good point. Uh but we haven't really tried that much. Yeah, we solve conflict pretty well one-on-one, but we're together a lot more often. I feel like when he's out of town, we don't really get into conflict much. It's me. Hi, so that I feel like if we did it one-on-one more often, I feel like we could. So I I think that's something to work on to not butting in when you're that third person, and not like any of us do that all the time. But I think we often want to make sure all three of us are there, and I don't know if that's necessarily the right thing to do.

SPEAKER_01 48:42

Yeah, that's a really good point because I never thought about like um conflict had managing conflict between two people within anthropology in the sense of the third person, you kind of have an option, you can be like, Okay, I'm here to help, or you can kind of be like, I'm gonna thaw back. It's you two. I mean, sometimes as a third person you you kind of need to talk to them about a certain situation that you know made you upset because they're the only person that knows like they know the details, but they don't. Like, and getting the advice or reassurance from one another, I think, is what we seek when we we have conflict and we want to you know try to figure it out.

SPEAKER_02 49:14

Well, there's yeah, there's a lot that goes into that third person. That third person is either panicking because your two partners are fighting, you're like, what do I do? What's gonna happen again? Or you really want that third person if you're in the conflicts, you want that third person to to to vacuum out. Tebecul out. Yeah, you're looking for an ally. Yep. And then there's another one too. Then it gets fishy, and then it's like a dot pile.

SPEAKER_01 49:37

Because that does happen. Yep, very much does happen. Yeah. We are not here saying we have it all figured out. That is that is the last thing that we're covering on this podcast saying. Yeah. We're navigating. Yes. I still would like be open to like going to like a thropo therapy thing. Oh, yeah. And always said that. I've never actually done it. We've never actually done it. No, I think it'd be funny. But I think it'd be really interesting to get like some neutral, like yeah, perspective. And then also ways of like just differ maybe different ways of navigating conflict that we haven't thought about, or yeah, yeah. I think it's helpful too in Tyler been having this conversation lately too about therapy in general, like individual versus any kind of like group or couple or whatever therapy. There's this piece with group therapy or multi-person therapy where it removes your ability to be an untrustworthy narrator. You know what I mean? Like it's it's like when you're sitting there one-on-one with your therapist and it's you, it's like, well, they have to believe me. Cause they're only gonna get this from my point of view. Yep. So I do feel like there's a ton of value in that accountability between people with an independent therapist. Yes. Well, see, I think what I was doing.

SPEAKER_02 50:45

We went to the same therapist for a while a couple years ago. Yeah. Separately. Separately, but same one. And we started realizing that like it's not really helping us together, maybe helping us individually, but together, they're kind of like at least this person seemed like they were kind of just like feeding into how we were. I mean, I it's kind of what a therapist does is like confirm your feelings and let you talk about yourself.

SPEAKER_00 51:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 51:07

But like if we would come together, it would just I think it made the conflict worse.

SPEAKER_01 51:12

Like I wanted I wanted more advice on how to maneuver this relationship. I wanted more, yeah, not just me individually kind of therapy. It's like two different things, yeah, very different goals. Which also is something hard to find, like a therapist that specializes in polyamory and like like multiple partner relationships and knows how to give sound like evidence-based.

SPEAKER_02 51:35

I mean, at the same at the end, again, we still have our individual relationships, and I think any sort of relationship therapy helps that in some ways. But yeah, I mean, I think there probably is the right therapist who is more knowledgeable or trained in polyamory.

SPEAKER_01 51:50

Yeah, I mean it's gotta be because it is normal. It's already obviously happening, but I would imagine that's very much like a lane of therapy that people are going into and will become more popular and hopefully as accessible. So, shifting a little bit, so from communication, I want to talk about how do you make the like big decisions, like the big life decisions. You want to buy a house, you want to move, you whatever it may be. I want to start by saying that I hate change. Okay, okay, and so I feel like we're going we're going to Europe in in March, and I have it gives me all it may it overwhelms me to plan stuff like that, or yeah, like things like moving and like all of that. And so I'm like, y'all take the reins. I'm just gonna show up, be a little passenger princess, and go on the trip. Um, like the house the house was I mean, we were at a point where we were living in like a tiniest we were in a one bedroom. One bedroom studio apartment in Belltown and we were like, we need two space. We need space. Yeah. It's three people now, two people was okay, but now we have an extra body, extra stuff, extra food, like just everything. Yep. And so we all, yeah, kind of collectively decided that.

SPEAKER_00 52:58

But in regards to like I feel like for me, I do a lot of things and do a lot of things for myself without a lot of discussion from you two, hoping that it won't get in the way from uh whatever they want to do.

SPEAKER_01 53:11

I don't know thoughts on that.

SPEAKER_02 53:16

Yeah, something well, I want to touch on the house thing. That was a surprisingly easy decision for such a massive decision. Yeah. I feel like we handled that really well compared to a lot of other smaller things. Yeah. I mean, people are trying to do that that aren't relationships.

SPEAKER_01 53:31

Like, hey, let's pull our money together in 2026 and get a home.

SPEAKER_02 53:34

So um, but as far as generally, I mean, that at times has been a source of conflict. It's been the calendar thing has helped with a lot of that. But yeah, it's hard because it again, like sometimes you have a conversation with one person, you have to remember that the other person wasn't a part of that. So when you're making the decisions, you have to make sure everybody has all the information.

SPEAKER_01 53:52

Communicate things you want to do. Is one of you like more of a decision maker? I know who's so do you do you give it to someone and you're like, okay, please do it. He's not a decision maker. And it depends on what the depends on what it is. Yeah, daily, like like I'm gonna give you where are you eating? Who's deciding? Not me. Oh, it's Matt because he's uh he's not a moody eater. He's a moody eater, he's not a picky eater. He's a moody eating. It has to sound good, it has to sound good in the moment or he won't go. Change your Instagram handle to that. Yeah. Moody eater. Yeah, what other ones do you have? I mean, like big life decisions, I feel like I mean, I'm thinking of like marriage and like kids. Like marriage is not a possibility. Yeah. In the way that in the way that I wish it was, if that's what it is. Do you feel like that's something that's missing? Or do you feel like if it were an option today, would you be the first in line to do it? Honestly, the only thing that I could think of that would it would be like to be able to like share health insurance. Like literally, that is the only thing. Yeah, the legal aspects of it. Because like we are already legally bound by our house, yeah. Which was almost in a way like a binding contract between the three of us that we could actually hold together. Yeah, yeah. Obviously, it doesn't give you like, you know, visitation, right? But like a hospital. But yeah, I don't I mean it didn't happen. If it was a if it was legal tomorrow, I don't necessarily think it would they think we would rush to like do it. And there's probably just a lot more things you have to think about too of legality and paperwork and stuff where it's like there are laws that exist that pr protect a married couple, right? Like it by state. Like in Washington, if one of us dies, like all of your shit goes to your partner. Yep. In your all's case, you very much have to be proactive, know that shit beforehand, and then I'm sure get a lawyer, write it down, like it's any sort of like will, anything, anything. You just have to be so much more proactive. I think Zach really, when it comes, I feel like big decisions, you're actually better with that. I would say this is what this can be a perception from the outside. Yes. It seems like with larger decisions, Zach may be leading the charge. Okay. Also, we're usually the one to bring them up. Yeah, yeah. Like personality-wise, it seems like Zach is a good idea. Buying a house was your idea. Yeah. Wanting to sell our house was your idea. Which we've looked into. We want to do it. Okay, we've got the idea. Okay. Yeah. I that's not Zach. That is me. I love ideas. That's a good idea. I'm a very logistical person.

SPEAKER_02 56:13

I need very concrete things. Like I things like the calendar, I think, was my idea. Like it starting the calendar and like budgeting kind of stuff I bring up all the time. We don't really do it, at least together. Yeah. So like all these kind of like all those ideas I come up with and can lead and make decisions. But put him in a cereal aisle. But like, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 56:32

Put him in the cereal aisle, he will leave without get buying cereal because he's so overwhelmed. Yeah. I we you and I are very similar. Where I'm like, no, we need cereal. Yeah. But how I Tyler picked the cereal. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yep. But I'm very much like, we need to do this, we need to do this. And Tyler's like, okay, then do it. Like, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. So on the reverse side of that, what are some of the things that you do as we talk about a diagram of multiple relationships and managing them all at once? Yeah. What do you do to manage your individual relationships with each other? I feel like we all try to do things like couples. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Like date nights with just one of each other. Yep. It's something that's a good thing. I mean, me and Zach went on trips. Bunny. Jordan went off to Hawaii for that week. So that was the big thing. Even going home to Chicago half the time it's just Jordan and I there. But I mean, not that Zach doesn't have family there, but sometimes it's just us two. They night. Yeah. Sometimes it's alone. Probably depends like on interest too. Yes. Yes. Like overlapping interest in one thing. So then you're going to want to like do that. Like if it's a concert or something. Yep. Or going out or whatever. Yep. I feel like you probably get into like a rhythm of like, well, this is something that I know Zach's going to be interested in. Yes. Right. We've very much gotten used to going out alone. Yes. I don't do that. But I think I think in regards to do keeping like the cup like, you know, individually wise. I love to see them doing things together. Yeah. I think the big word of the of the day of the dictionary compersion. Compersion. Compersion. Yes. Um that is also something that we are all still working on. Yeah. Very much. Yep. It's kind of a unique emotion that we've not really society hasn't really explored. And I feel like I learned that word in the last year and was like, oh my God, that's how I yep, I get it. Yep. And and so just the idea of like, oh, they're gonna go, you know, get Ethiopian food together or something like that. That is what I want. But I think we all struggle with it.

SPEAKER_02 58:35

It's it's not a I think that's a very I think the most natural place for something like compersion is like parent-child relationship. Like a parent probably feels more compersion than anybody else, but that's not normal in relationships, I feel. At least in like the normal society's idea of a relationship. So yeah, it's a very new feeling to have to navigate.

SPEAKER_01 59:00

Yep. And for those listeners who don't know, or we I can't remember, I think we talked about it before, but compersion is the experience of feeling joy, happiness, or compersion-fueled euphoria when a partner experiences pleasure, love, or excitement with someone else. So it's kind of just like being excited for them doing something that you are removed from personally. So and I think generally, like because we're in F Rupple, like we have to have some form of like you have to be able to leave, you have to like lean into that. Yes. But it does get tricky when people want to do stuff alone or by themselves, whether it's yeah, a trip that they want to take or a boy they want to meet up with, or you know, like that those those feelings all come up. The jealousy can still flare, but addressing it and and like acknowledging it is is important. Pretty much a dual-sided coin to the same situation that might be happening.

SPEAKER_02 59:46

It's so complex too, because sometimes I'll feel it, yeah, and then in the exact same situation another time, it's full on jealousy. Yep, yep, yep. Yeah. And I'm like, why can I enjoy it this one time, but then now nah. So I obviously there's probably a lot of contextual information that goes into each particular experience, but yeah, it's not always jealousy or always conversion. It's gonna go back and forth. You're gonna feel both all the time.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:14

Yeah, you can feel both at the same time. Okay, that too. Yeah. I'm gonna ask the obvious question that I'm sure you guys get all the time and you're sick of, but I I want to know, and we've done you for two and a half years. How what's the sleeping situation? Oh, okay. How does that work? Yeah, that's okay. How has that evolved? Well, we first started with just a king bed. Yeah, and that was the time very much the honeymoon period. Yeah, when we all see and wanting to be close. Us too. It was fun. It was great. We wanted to be on top of each other. That faded quickly. There was a point where we were in our studio uh apartment and I was sleeping out on like our blowout mattress and they were in the bed because I was just too hot. Yeah. Because temperature in a room with three people is definitely a dividing effect. Or what we found is that we got a our king bed and then a twin XL and we just shoved them together.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:57

Bam.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:58

And it's uh the same size as a family bed. Yeah. Um it's ginormous. It's huge. It takes up our entire room. And we took two little nightstands. One person does not have a nightstand, though. So that does get frustrating. When I was sleeping in the middle, I'm no longer in the middle. No, I've I should have been sleeping in the middle of the whole. I'm currently in the middle and living my best life. Do you get asked that all the time? All the design like the three singles. Oh yeah, yeah. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:21

Very good. I knew it was like I was. You've seen the bed, right? You know. But when I first met you guys, I was like, I I didn't want to ask because I knew that's like I'm like, I'm sure that's the thing that I always get asked. But then we went to your house and I was like, wait, I don't want to see the room. I know, right?

SPEAKER_02 1:01:34

I have for a long time and still am considering sleeping in a different room. Because I I love my space. Yeah. Like curating my own space, and it's a lot easier to sleep by yourself.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:46

That's another thing that I think like it's so ingrained in us where we're like, if you're in a relationship and you're not, if if for some reason logically you're not sleeping somewhere else, then something's wrong. Yeah, that you're just roommates. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's so weird. Um, and I struggle with that because I love to be in the same room. I think I also struggle with that too, because I I also love being together, saying goodnight to each other. Uh-huh. But you also hate sleeping. But yeah, but at the end of the day, if something is more comfortable being in a different bed, I shouldn't have a problem with that. Yeah. What else? Misconceptions are things you could have. I wrote a bunch down so like if you guys don't have any ones. I want to go around with misconceptions. Okay. I think the biggest one is is I have it in quotes. Like what people would say is like that's unstable and it's not gonna last. That's never gonna last. And I'm like, well, 50% of marriages end in divorce. Yeah. So what what's what's the difference? Do you both see it's like sorry, do people ever think it's like uh you guys added another person's relationship to as like a last stitch effort? Yes, and that's that's on here too. So often you got bored with that. That's all I that's all I see on social media is people being like, oh, that that'll never last. Oh, they're just doing it to and you know, spice it up some more and then they're gonna like ditch on more or whatever. The toxic discourse about like it's crazy, like polyamory or even just like open relationships on social media, even within the community gays are crazy. Yeah, it's like if that's great if it's not for you, but how the fuck are you gonna sit there and like tear down someone who's been in doing this for many, many years? I mean, even just thinking about our friends in Hawaii, I mean, they've been together like 30 years. I don't know. And it's like you're gonna say that's not valid, or is it is it gonna last when you're single? Not trying to be rude, but like when you're single, like uh people I know, like if if I see like I'll see therples on social media, then if you go into the comments, it's like crazy callful. I know. Yeah, made this life never fucking. And honestly, it's just I see that all the time. Made this life never made this life never fucking giving and then they're in general and then it won't, right? It's always people, yeah. And they're always like, and I'm like, as soon as you've done a tag date of a relationship, let me know what you know. Yes, exactly. I mean, like I just like yeah. From our perspective, too, it's like this happens so naturally that it wasn't like whenever I hear someone say, Oh, that's never gonna last, they're just doing it to you know, spice it up. It's like that's not at all how this relationship developed. But that's also not to say that someone hasn't done yet. That's the other end of the coin, right? Is that like I'm sure people have tried to do that as a last ditch up from somewhere. Like it's a stereotype for sure. The other one was like, it's just about sex, and yeah, that is couldn't be further from the truth because honestly, like our sexual relationship has between the three of us, between each other, has ebbed and flowed like no other. Yeah, yeah. And I feel like that's a good thing.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:32

And tell me how many hookups you've wanted to move in with like that. Doesn't happen that way.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:39

No, no, no. Me barely one. Yeah, barely one, yes. Yeah, and honestly, like and not to be rude, but like if this was all about sex, we wouldn't be together anymore. Yeah, like really, truly. Yeah, yes. And so I think that that's another that's another one. And then afraid of commitment. That's another one because it's like this is even more complex. Yeah, then and we've had to put in more work with two people than I feel like even when it was just Jordan and I, we were in deep in it, and it was so easy. And when Zach came in, like we learned more about ourselves, it got more complex. We grew we're growing as you know, a human and a partner. So I think in that aspect, it's been amazing more commitment, more trust, more more problems. Yeah, communication. It's it's problems that like not necessarily we want, but it's problems that aren't going to push us apart, it's gonna bring us more together.

SPEAKER_03 1:05:32

Do you get people saying, Oh, I can't believe you do that. I can't even handle one. Yes. I saw that.

SPEAKER_05 1:05:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:39

Yeah. I feel like I feel like I hear people say that too all the time. Oh yeah. Or how did you get two? I I can't even get one. Yeah, I can't even get one. I can't even get one. How do you have two? I'm like, I think I always I think because we said that we weren't sure, like like this was something we were never open to, but I think I always knew that I had like a god so cliche, but just like A big heart. Like I I definitely could see myself falling in love with multiple people. No more. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 1:06:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:07

To a percent capacity. Yes. And that does that's not to say like we don't get crushes, we don't get like or the polyamory, like having more than one primary partner. Yeah. I know. I'll never say never, but it's not something I'm actively seeking. But this wasn't either. So yeah. Okay. So kind of close out. Yeah. What do you think? What's the best thing about being in a thrible for each of you? I'm gonna Matt. I'm gonna start with you. Oh, well, we're talking about this very and it's money. I mean, absolutely. Being able to own a home on three incomes is yeah, lovely. Yeah, tinks. Oh my god. Triple income, no kids. Yes, triple income, no, so that it's amazing as it sounds. Yeah, but like logically, I mean, like, yeah, of course that happens. Like a bonus. We get more money to spend on each other, to spend on trips that we want to take, to spend on just life. Yep. And it's so nice. Back to Capersion, it's so lovely to see like two other people that you love experiencing love for each other. Um, that that's another big one for me. Yeah, I agree.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:11

I think it's nice to have another partner you can run to when you piss off at the other one. Hell yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:16

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Two different perspectives that you get on things.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:19

And and I mean it's like living with two best friends when you're like fighting with one of your best friends and you go to the other one and talk to the shit.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:27

Yeah. We also just kind of like an sounding board that you trust deeply and emotionally, the same way that you trust this person that you're fighting with. And I think they can both be someone that like champions behind you, but also is like a voice of reason. Right. Like knows you both. So Matt's a little head in the clouds, exeralis, they dance together. That's so true. All right. Um, first off, thank you ball. Thank you both. No, that's the biggest thing. Smash the patriarchy. Smash the patriarchy.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:58

We uh we weren't talking about it's it's the word it's except airplane rows.

SPEAKER_01 1:08:06

We get one. Oh my god. That's a top perfect. That is a topic middle or do you rotate? Zach takes Zach take middle. Yeah. Usually. Usually I like to eat an aisle, and Matt is instantly asleep. Well, and well, yeah, one of them's gonna be asleep. It worked out.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:22

Yeah, I have Matt a chance that someone's awake, so neither about it.

SPEAKER_01 1:08:29

Well, thank you two for having us. Yeah, of course. We wanted to have you guys for so long. And thank you. Like, it's a it's a topic that I feel like again, back to like trailblazing, but just like teaching others, right? I don't we did not grow up knowing anyone that was any sort of in multi-partner relationship, as well as the people that we know on our friends and family don't either. So, like our intent with this pod is always to be like, hey, here's a piece of culture that you either know or don't know about it, and just like open ears and listen and then like take that with you wherever you go. For sure. Yeah, so yeah, there had to be swingers in Montana. Absolutely. Yes, absolutely. People use freaky deeky in those woods. That's true. I still wouldn't take advice from straight people, though. No, never. Rule number one. Rule number one. I love it. Okay, well, thank you guys. Yeah, thank you. Thank you. Appreciate it. Bye. All right, so as you guys know, we always do song of the week. And y'all are big music listeners. So we are let's just get it started. Let's go. What would you guys like to do? Song of the week. Yeah, song of the week right now. I've been just on repeat is Sweat by Mel C Spice Girls, which is coming out. I heard singles or actual singles are phenomenal. They're just dancing, poppy. Is she like slated to have like a full album? Yeah, yeah. How am I not tracking this? Mel is in the Spice Crow? Spice Crow. Okay, next Mel C. Sporty Spice. Oh, not Mel B.

SPEAKER_05 1:09:52

Oh, I was so confused.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:54

I never did another one that was named Mel C. Well, Melanie C is what she's doing. Honestly, I forgot there was. I've never heard the term Mel C. Yeah. Well, she'd have to be like, when did the B go to sit? No. I'm about to age myself.

SPEAKER_02 1:10:06

Jivoton the week. T T M F has been in my head since the Super Bowl. Oh yeah. And I got the shirt on. Love it. Yeah. Love it. I don't know. But the most random moments, it's rolling in my head. So yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:10:17

Oh me?

SPEAKER_02 1:10:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:10:18

Okay. Our little RB moment, LMA. Your album came out, and the song 100 is amazing. And also a very it's like lyrically talks about like how you need to give and take in a relationship, which sounds very cliche, but the way it's talked about is like 100 is like 100%. She's talking about how she's giving 20 and he gives 80, and you can give 60, but you know, it doesn't always need to be a 50-50 split. And that's actually a conversation that we've had on like a relationship about how that that can change. And I thought that was just such a brilliant thing to talk about in a song. And then also loving Charlie's new album with the weapon. It is a very different and I don't know if they're gonna click with it. I don't like it, but I like that more like experimental side of things.

SPEAKER_00 1:11:05

I will say that it's is a speaking poetry.

SPEAKER_01 1:11:08

I love what her messages and everything. I just don't think the music clicks with me. Okay, the highlight is dying for you, and I need I need you to listen to that. Click it first so that you can have a good idea of the the peak of the album, and then you can kind of dig into the rest. Because if you if you don't listen to that one first, I feel like you're gonna could possibly be disappointed. It's great. Okay, okay. Very different sound. It's not Brat. I'll listen.

SPEAKER_00 1:11:30

Her song is like a narrative, and yeah, it's like spoken words. Okay, yeah. That's that's what I get. The entire album is just like it's a poetry singing type of thing, which is great for her if that's what she wants.

SPEAKER_01 1:11:40

Just not we love art. We love maybe it's the album that not we wanted, but she needed. Correct. Yeah, she needed for herself. Yeah, yes, and I'm happy for her. Go, Charlie. God forbid she sees this. Yeah, I'm sorry. A lot of time and effort. Yeah. With Phil too. We have a group chat. Yes, and Phil the listeners know as well. Fuck you, Phil. Yeah. Um, mine's been the Muna song. Yes. Dancing on the Wall. Moona's back. After four years, I'm so excited. Isaac. My big thing is I've just been in Alien's old 2000s punk, and I've just been re-listening to that. Example. Yeah, don't worry. Mine always gets cut. Yeah. Mine never makes sense. Like Avril? Like, are we talking about it? But I've missed a lot of like Good Charlotte, um I don't want to be. Are Jims really into it? Whoever's there doing the playlist, it's like old Good Charlotte, The Killers. It's like all my favorite shit. So that like era of like 2001 to like seven. Is that the song? I don't want to be in love. Later, but yes. No, but also like lifestyles of rich and famous. It's good. It's good. Love it. Yeah. That's all. Don't cut it. I can cut it. All right. And that's a wrap on Matt, Jordan, and Zach. Uh, we just want to tell the boys thank you so much again for coming on the episode and letting us batter you with a million questions, probably you know, ones that you get all the time, or hopefully new ones. But we really just appreciate it. It's hard to come on here and be vulnerable and talk about your whole story and talk about misconceptions and all of it. So as always, we just want to thank our guests and we are super appreciative of you three. Um, and I'm hoping it really generates some good questions and discussion. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:13:23

Make sure that you, as a listener, if you have more questions, write in because we will absolutely field them and get them answered and find a way to get like those answers to you. Yeah. Because they're very open to questions.

SPEAKER_01 1:13:34

One thing I really appreciate about them and I have the last two years is there's like not a question that's really gonna offend them about their dynamic and their relationship. And obviously you see that in the episode. Yeah. Like they're very, very open to talking about it and they appreciate it as we learn too, just because it makes them or has them like think through those concepts or like how they speak to things or how they frame things. And so yeah, and I always just love having friends and learning more about them. Yeah. Every time for us personally, I go and as always I'm setting up Tyler because I told him he gets to do the outro this time.

SPEAKER_03 1:14:09

As always, you can follow us on all social media at no gays in Montana or email us at no gays in Montana at gmail.com.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:22

All right, thanks everyone, and we will catch you next week.