Five Core Boundary Skills That Transform Your Relationship With Yourself

In this episode, we’re diving into the five areas you must focus on to upgrade your boundaries and shift the relationship you have with yourself. Only then can you truly hold your power with other people and thrive in work, love, and life. If you’ve ever felt stretched thin, overly responsible for others, or stuck in relationships or work patterns that drain you, this conversation will feel like a homecoming. We explore what it really means to have strong boundaries -not just what to say, but who you must become. These skills help empaths break free from people-pleasing, self-abandoning habits, emotional burnout, and the constant pull of other people’s needs so they can step into a more empowered, soul-aligned way of living.

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💎 Related Episodes Mentioned:

 Episode #44: Do You Have Soul-aligned Goals? Avoid The Pitfalls of Self-Sabotage and Disappointment. Set A Goal That Lights You Up. 

Episode #33: Hey Empath, Do You Know What You Want? Clear The Obstacles and Find Out. 

Transcript

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You know, you might look like the strong one, the successful one, the woman everyone can count on, but nobody sees what it costs you behind the scenes. I'm talking about the emotional overload, the resentment that you know is going on down there inside the exhaustion. The constant pulling yourself together after giving too much. If you've been building a beautiful life on the outside while quietly crumbling on the inside. This episode is your turning point. Okay. I'm Michelle Poman and I help and pats in high achieving women like you. Stop over extending themselves and start creating boundaries that. Actually work to create the life and love that you are craving, today I am sharing the five most powerful boundary shifts that protect your energy, raise your emotional vibration, and transform how you feel in your life, in your relationships, and of course, in your work and in your business. And just a quick note, I wanna mention that my doors are still open for the modern empath boundary mastery right now. And inside we are gonna go deep on every one of these things we're talking about today, these shifts, these areas of focus, where the change needs to happen and we cover so much more. I mean, at the end I'll share a little bit more about the details, but for now, I just wanted to start off by letting you know, reminding you that It's open and available to you still right now. So let's go ahead and dive into the five areas you need to focus on to finally feel fully supported, seen, and in control of your life, right in the driver's seat. So first we're gonna have to talk about the boundaries with yourself. If you listened last week, kind of set the stage for feeling freedom in your life and how important you know the foundational work is. And boundaries with yourself is the foundational work. It is a reflection of your relationship you have with you. And so the way I really like to jump into this work, and this is something I do in the program in Bum, is to. Start off with setting a soulful goal. A soulful goal is more than something you're adding to your to-do list, right? It's not just an item on your to-do list or an achievement that you think you should pursue, important words are think and should, right? It's a soul goal which means it is a goal that lights you up. It's fueled by your own truth, by who you are at your core, by your desire to become. And it's not by striving to prove yourself or meet external expectations or feel good enough. It's deeply personal. It's aligned with your values. It's aligned with your codes of who you are to become. It resonates with your intuition, that gut feeling, that whispers, yes, this is mine. This is who I'm supposed to be, this is what I'm supposed to do, and it challenges you in a way that feels really exciting, not overwhelming, right? Just exciting. A soulful goal is sustainable. Honoring your energy and wellbeing and the journey itself feels joyful, not just the end result. That being said, you're human right, as I'm always reminding you, you're human, and because you're human, that means all your shit is gonna get triggered by the soulful goal. So the old you. Right, the old version of you, the old identity that we're shedding and leaving behind the stuff that you wanna let go of, right? Your core self, your true self, your soul self is gonna move forward. But it needs to let go of some things and there's nothing more incredible than setting a goal to trigger all that shit and to do the work that's needed to be done to heal as you. Keep trying to show up for this goal. So in the group, like we have people that set goals, do they show up for themselves in the goal perfectly every week? Absolutely not. But what they're learning is what's getting in the way and what weird limiting beliefs are coming up and what strange this or that is happening, right? And then we start to navigate how do we show up for that differently? How do we heal it? How do we honor who we are and what we're here for? What's our mission? So this is vital for boundaries. You know, when you know your soulful goal, it becomes the anchor for your boundaries. Suddenly saying no to things that drain you isn't just guilt or selfishness, it's protection of something sacred. You know, a lot of us don't realize that our, our, you know, boundaries are a protection of something sacred and incredibly important for you to hold. You know, you are a sort of a steward of this beautiful gift that you have inside. And in order for you to be a good steward of this gift and for for you to hold it and protect it, to share it with the world, you have to have protective things in place. And so your goal gives you clarity about what matters, what deserves your time. So I want you to ask yourself, what is a goal that might truly light you up, that feels like yours, that feels aligned with who you are at your core? If you need a little more support on this in terms of just creating a soulful goal. I have got an episode for you. So episode number 44, do you have soul aligned goals? Avoid the pitfalls of self-sabotage and disappointment. Set a goal that lights you up. That right there is gonna be super helpful to help you break down and get you thinking about this stuff. I also have another episode number 33 called, Hey Empath, do you know what you want? Clear the obstacles and find out. Because a lot of us have not been asked, what do you want? A lot of us have gone years with never being asked that question. We didn't necessarily have the muscles to answer it, and we have many of us. I'm not saying this is everybody, but, but many of you listening have built a life around being of service to others. And so in some way, going in and asking yourself what you want can feel pretty foreign. And so that episode will help support you. Now, personal power is number two. Okay. This is by far the foundation. It is certainly the cure for self-sabotage. Okay? The cure for self-sabotage is personal power and personal power. Is that felt sense that you can choose and you do it repeatedly? You choose what you want, you, you have a choice. It's not powerlessness or victim stance or feeling like you know you have to dish road's. None of that is personal power. You are choosing repeatedly to stand in your power and self-sabotage is often a boundary problem. So if you tend to lack internal limits, impulse control, right? Or confusing comfort for safety, like it's safer to do this because it's more comfortable. Those are all personal PowerPoints that need healing. Want you to think about this. What does it feel like for you to stand in the role of power? Maybe you're listening and you're already a leader, and so I want you to think about how much you've grown from five years back. If you're somebody who's already holding a leadership position where you're constantly having to stand in your power, I mean, look at five, 10 years ago to have you grown a lot and take a look at and ask yourself what's next? What do you need now to stand in your power moving forward? Where do you see this power leaking? Where do you tend to break? Where do you tend to, um, you know, are there what areas of your life? Maybe you strong leader at work, but you go home or you're with friends or family and you're like, putty, right? This is why it matters when you reclaim your personal power, your impulses stop ruling your life boundaries become your tool to redirect energy towards what's actually yours, right? And so it's really important for you to set limits and stand in your power with yourself so that you can stand in your power with other people. So you could even do maybe two small repeatable boundaries that return your you to your power. So for instance, you might decide, I'm not gonna check emails this week after 7:00 PM. That's it. I'm not checking emails after 7:00 PM and I will wait 48 hours before responding to emotionally charged messages. And when your brain's like, oh, you know, uh, just one more, or, oh, let's just write this back real quick. Or, whenever your brain wants to have a thought or an impulse to overstep your boundary, I want you to say, oh, thank your brain for that thought. I choose my goal instead. You always get to choose your goal instead, and we really dive into an entire module on personal power in the inside the bum, because this really is where things go south or where you move forward. And sometimes people think, well, I'm really good with personal power actually. Many times people don't even like the word power. So it goes either way. Sometimes I have people that are like, you know, I'm pretty good at personal power. But then we get into the soulful goal and then they start like slipping into old programming and they start really getting choked up and, and all sorts of issues and they realize, wow, like I give my power away a lot and I didn't even know it and I don't hold my power for myself. And then I've got people on the other hand who are look at me with five heads and they're like, I don't. Want power, Michelle, because they have this connection to power as something gross and dirty. Right? It's gross, like power over people. No thank you. And so they're looking at me like, I don't, I don't need power. I've literally had so many women say that to me when I talk about personal power, when they're like, I don't, I don't, I'm not looking for power, Michelle. And then when we get into it and we explain it, and we really have to overexplain it for a bit for some. Their nervous systems are like, this is crazy. I don't want that. They have been taught that that is selfish. And so there's so much ingrained stuff around power, about holding on and holding your space, holding, uh, your boundary. And that is such an important part. And you gotta start with yourself. You've gotta do it for yourself. And now self abandonment is number three. Okay, so, so far we have talked about two things for you to do, and that is to start your soulful goal. Even just acknowledge what it could be. You don't have to start it, you can even just acknowledge it. That in itself is freeing. And then two, really like recognizing what is your relationship with yourself around holding the power, not acting impulsively, not ignoring the. Things that you say that you wanna do, if you say you're gonna go do it, that you show up for yourself and you do it. You don't blow yourself off, right? You really stand in your power and your um, and a belief in yourself, whatever that looks like for you. And then, then third is really important that you work on self abandonment habits. Okay? And sometimes this can even look like. Addictions. Sometimes, you know, we have these addictions in place. It's sort of like the chicken before the egg or the egg before the chicken, right? It's like, is it self abandonment then addictions or addictions and then self abandonment, right? Because what ends up happening is, is we, we are fueled and, and you know, fed. Off of this idea that self abandoning is selflessness, it is, you know, um, you wanting to give to others and it makes you a good girl. Self abandoning yourself and putting other people first is better. It's, it's, you know, there's a lot of messaging out there that says that that's what you do if you're a good person. And then you do that, right? And you, you self abandon. And when we remember, we are talking about your relationship with yourself right now, the boundary work, because that is part of really the foundational work. 'cause then we get into self abandoning with other people. But right now, self abandonment shows up as allowing habits or relationships that erode you. Right? That's your work. You are allowing a row of stuff in. It's the underlying story that says I'm less important or I must give, you know, in order to be loved., But it's also self abandonment is also when you say, this is really important to me. I'm gonna do this thing, but then you don't show up for it. And the reason why addictions go hand in hand is because the more we self abandon, the less personal power we have and then the more drained we are. Every time you self abandon, it's like an energy leak. And if you've been a selfa, you've been someone yourself throughout most of your life, you have a massive energy leak. It's an issue and what we do is we turn towards addictive behavior as ways to cope with that exhaustion, right? That energy leak. All addictive stuff, whether that's your scrolling, whether that's, you know, grabbing the bed and Jerry's and the entire container before you take a breath, right? It's, it's food, it's caffeine, it's stimulus, and we're looking to be stimulated. And so I want you to recognize the connection between self abandonment and addictive behavior that gets in the way of our boundaries and gets in the way of, the really important work you're here to do. Because the longer you self abandon, the longer you fall into addictive patterns. The relationship you have with yourself is hurt. It is. It is erosive to the relationship you have with yourself. You start to not believe in yourself. You start to question yourself and your abilities, and it's, um, horrible. It's just not fun., And until you stop abandoning yourself, no external boundary will stick. Self abandonment is like the internal permission slip that everybody else gets to read, but you have to actually, you have to hold it. So map where you abandon yourself. Is it money? Is it health? Is it time? Is it emotional? Pick one area and create a mon or a boundary. Like I will not skip my lunch meeting with myself because that's for rest, and I'm not gonna work through my lunch. And then we get into reframing and recognizing, wow, I really, I really deserve and crave this care, and I'm gonna accept it and give it to myself and then create that reframe of,, instead of, you know, I can't, I, or I don't deserve this, I haven't done worked hard enough today, or whatever gets in the way. Just as an example. You're rewiring it like, I deserve care and I accept it. I accept the break that I crave, and I know that it's gonna make me better at what I'm doing here. And that changes neural wiring over time in your brain. So boundaries with others. Let's just touch base here with that. The next two. We're gonna talk about,, boundaries with others and getting good at being seen, heard, and known. Okay. That is your work. That is your work. That is what you have to do next. You've set the tone. On, you know, your personal power, your self abandonment issues that are getting in the way of you being able to get out in the world and do that, but also follow through with yourself and believe in yourself and trust yourself right here you are now, and you have to now work at being good at not just tolerating. Okay. Not just tolerating, but actually absorbing, enjoying and, you know, understanding the value of you being seen, heard and known. So the classic external boundary work that you've probably seen in, you know, if you read a book on boundaries, if you, have, heard someone doing a program on boundaries or perhaps even, you know, in your own therapy office, you may have heard the approach to boundary setting is, you know, saying what you need. And expecting it to kinda land. And on some level, you know, that's where we kind of get into that tough love, right? Like no means no know's a full sentence, right? Those are all things that you've heard about boundary setting. There's some great books out there and they're amazing and they're wonderful. I'm not discount them, but they're really focused on you stepping in and holding a hard line. And I'm gonna tell you. That's why people fail, especially empath sensitive seeker types. We are here to deeply connect and deeply understand, and it's very difficult to just say, oh yeah, we were putting up a hard line. Now, yes, you'll get there. You will, you'll get there, but it'll come from such a different place. Um, and sometimes it is just jumping in and just kind of doing the scary thing, however. For you to truly understand that it, this boundary setting is not about you saying no setting boundaries. Other people can't cross, you know, being in control of other people's behavior. You know, not letting them do A, B, C, or D. Right? That's. I think that's a recipe for, a screwed up nervous system. I think it's a recipe for, you know, you feeling like, negativity, A lot of negativity, um, anxiety. And here is what I want you to actually think about. And that's with boundary work. Okay? That it is about authenticity. I am asking you something very different. I am asking you to understand and know. Your authenticity, your truth, right? I'm asking you to be courageous. But I'm also asking you, um, to be truthful and kind. Actually people pleasing and all that is a lot of times dishonest. And I know it's hard to hear for some of us, but it's controlling and dishonest. We're trying to get people to just feel about us a certain way. Like we're easy, you know, we have all these. Um, investments in how people respond to us or believe what they think about us. And so we're kind of being controlling and we're kind of being, you know, distrustful and untruthful when we say it's fine and it's not. And so I'm asking for you to practice learning and getting good at being seen, heard and known, and also knowing your authentic self, knowing and being curious about your truth. And when you stop shrinking to make others comfortable, you stop attracting people who only want what they get from you. Okay. That's not disconnection. It's, it's a refinement. It is not disconnection, it's actually connection. It's connecting with the right people. When your whole focus is on being authentic and truthful and connecting with other people and a deep level, which gets them to see no and hear you, then you. My dear are building relationships that are super real and deep and and honest. Even at work or with your clients, right? It's really truly about that. But a lot of us really have a hard time tolerating that. I mean, raise your hand if you're somebody who's like, I don't like being in the spotlight. I, I just sit in the back of the room. Right? Like, we don't necessarily love being seen, heard, and known, and it's really important for us to take a look at that. So a starting small is just practicing speaking a preference. Um, I prefer do, do, do, right. I'm not available for that right now. It might be something you have to say like, oh, I wish I could, but I'm not available for that right now. Um, using I statements, they land less accusatory and more anchored. You have to accept weeding people out because there are gonna be people when you start being authentic and truthful and you start wanting to be seen hard and known, and you wanna have that authentic relationship. The people that are not capable of that, the people that are not interested in that, um, they're going to not be happy. They're going to potentially disconnect from you in some way. But if somebody leaves you because you set a healthy limit, they were really never yours, right? They were never yours. I don't want you to think about losing people. I want you to think about making room for people, the right people so you're not spending so much time and energy in places that don't give back to you. Alright, and the last one, which is also, yeah, the last one. Is gonna be what to do and say when you're setting a boundary. Okay, so this is an important part of Bum as we really dive into, you know, there's a lot involved in really understanding where you are. Are you in your body? Because a lot of us aren't, And we're out there trying to set a boundary and we're totally like either up in our heads or out of our bodies and we're trying to set a boundary. But like, if you're not grounded, it's really hard and you are gonna fail. Most likely you're gonna, you might say the thing, but the person reading you isn't feeling it the same way. So I really helped to teach you. How do you be in your body? How do you stay grounded? How do you have a new a belief system around all of it? What you're doing, what this is about? What is your why? Why are you setting this boundary? And then learning how to speak clear and direct. Avoid vague hints, right? Warm and kind, short and specific. No long explanations are defensiveness, right? I give you scripts that you can use to swap details to fit your situation, but you're really practicing that muscle on answering that in a way that feels in alignment with your integrity. And you're gonna speak directly, right? You're gonna speak directly. Um, I can't take that on right now. I am choosing to protect this time for blah, blah, blah. Right? Fill in the blank. Or perhaps, you know, you're saying, I can't hold that right now. I care about you, but I'm not available to discuss that tonight because I feel like my nervous system's really overwhelmed and I just, I really can't. Can we talk about this next week when we meet? Or, you know, maybe there's emotional boundaries that you need and then really understanding. One of the things we do really get into is how do you deal with repeat offenders, right? How do you deal with. People who truly just wanna find a way around your boundary. For some of us, it's like blows our mind that these people actually exist because we're so far from that ourselves that the idea that someone is going to work hard to get past it, manipulate it, come in a side door, right? Come from behind. How can they get you to do the thing they want, even though you've said no three times, right? Like those people exist and they are, they do. They drive me crazy because they make you work harder and they make you. Do something that you're really uncomfortable with, right? I, I find this to be extremely maddening with people in sales, right? Like, you are, like, they're, they've got a sales pitch. You're like, yeah, I don't think this is gonna work for me. They smell the slightest bit, you know, a window open in the back that they can come in and, and shake shit up so they can get you to say yes. That is sort of one of my pet peeves. So. But there are those people and there are repeat offenders, and you really have to learn like, where are your limits? What are they? How do you wanna respond to those things? Because those people require a different response, but remember as we're talking about this, right, that boundaries are not walls, and we feel like we're putting up walls with people. And while some people, they do need walls, right? These repeat offenders, they need walls. But for everybody else, they're gates, right? They control what comes in and what gets out. So relationships can be honest, durable. Intimate, right? So that you are equally intimately involved with these other people. And yes, some relationships will dissolve and that's often a relief. And eventually, I'm promising you it's gonna be an upgrade. I know it feels crazy in the moment. It's really hard to be in the in-between when you start doing the spiritual work and you start growing. And you find yourself in that in-between where you're releasing people from your life, and or perhaps even, you know, work or other areas, family as well. You might notice that there's all this change happening, but the new stuff hasn't settled yet, and so you're in the in-between and that's hard. But that's part of the time in which, you know it's a great time to really focus in on your energy work, on your energy boundaries. Now this is a bonus. This is not one that I mentioned. Just a little bonus because I do believe deeply, um, on the energy, doing the energy work that's needed for our energy boundaries. And this is how to clear, protect and raise your emotional baseline. So you naturally attract people in conditions that match your higher vibration. So it's really important and that's something we really, we spend an entire module on, and we end the whole program in Mepa on how to raise your vibration, how to do this energetic work to clear yourself, you know, and why, you know, why does this matter? You know, better Energetic hygiene means fewer reactive boundary moments. It means you feeling more aligned, effortless boundaries. It also means higher emotional setpoint, meaning you feel joy more often. You're learning to do this work to keep a higher vibration. You're. Now going for all the stuff that you want in life. And we talked last week about freedom. That means like when you do this work, the energy work, and you become aligned energetically to who you're becoming, you know, to her, that woman that is in you, that's ready to come out. The more and more you become connected with her and become her, then you start attracting her stuff, right? All the stuff that's gonna line up for you that makes sense in this life that you're creating. And so it's really such a beautiful framework to end the program on because it allows you to leave on a high note and it allows you to truly start feeling the buzz you know, of the shift and the transformation that's happening inside you. As we're closing here, I understand that boundaries, right now, they're still work. They're small, repeated choices that change your nervous system, your relationship, and your life, right? If this. Episode landed for you. If you want step-by-step training, live support Remember, the doors are still currently open for the modern and past boundary mastery, and what I don't think I mentioned last time when I talked about this is I. Also do monthly group healings, and I help to clear out and release trapped emotions in the body. Things that are still, blocking you and getting your way. And so we shake everything up in the program. You do the course and you start to get really shaken up with all your shit. And then every month we do a big massive clearing for everybody. So that after that session of clearing you move on with lighter, freer, more open to the changes ahead. And we meet weekly to really dive in what's going on for you, what's coming up, what's getting triggered, and to actually work towards, you know, really connecting with this work and sticking with your boundaries. Enrollment is open for the next couple weeks. I would love to have you, I'll have the link in the show notes if you feel stirred. If this is like speaking to you, I would love for you to join us, and truly kick off the new year with a whole new vibe, whole new vibe, whole new goals, really stepping it up and showing up for ourselves. If you know somebody else that's ready to do this work. Please send them this episode. Certainly share that link for the Boundary Mastery course with them because I am on a mission to help us all rise. And this is gonna be, a beautiful step up into the new year. Thank you so much again for being such amazing listeners. I am so appreciative of all of you and I'm looking forward to talking to you next week. Bye for now.