DCE EP 5: The Truth About Extreme Weight Loss

The Deep Clean Edit Episode Five I lost almost 200 pounds… but no one talks about what happens after. In this episode, I’m opening up about the parts of extreme weight loss that aren’t glamorous — body dysmorphia, disordered eating patterns, struggling to accept compliments, and adjusting to a completely different social reality. When men start approaching you at bars. When people treat you differently. When you still don’t see what everyone else sees. I am so grateful. I am so proud. I am happier than I’ve ever been. But there’s a mental side of transformation that doesn’t get talked about enough — and we’re talking about it.

Transcript

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Losing weight doesn't make you happier. Maybe it does some. It didn't make me any like routinely happier. Losing weight doesn't make you funnier. Losing weight doesn't always make you more confident. Losing weight doesn't mean you have more friends. Losing weight, a lot of weight. It's an identity crisis. Not loving yourself fully or dealing with body dysmorphia or dealing with an eating disorder or hyperfixating on things, and you just wish like your brain would calm down because, girl, me too. I wish my brain would calm down as well. Today we're gonna talk more about my weight loss journey. Um, we're gonna take it off of the typical light of like, how did you do it? What did you do? And we're gonna talk about I lost almost 200 pounds and what that has done for my mental health. Um now, when you first hear the sentence, Reagan almost lost 200 pounds. You would immediately think rainbows, butterflies, all good in the hood, confidence through the roof. While all that may be true, um it's not always true all the time. Yes, I am so much happier in a way. I am so much happier and I'm so much more confident, and I feel like I have this lightness to me and this positivity that radiates out of me. And I just feel more motivated to do things in life, whether that may be anything, whether it's being more active or volunteering with my time, etc. But it also has like a dark side of the slope that's like hard to explain to someone who hasn't been through it. Um, bit of an identity crisis, a bit of a, I don't know, I think that's probably the best way to describe it, just because it's like, I know I'm the same person and I have the same personality and the same brain, but it's like I look at old photos of myself or old videos of myself, and I like don't recognize her. Or I'm like, in a sense, almost embarrassed by myself. And now that I've said that, I do want to just preface that this video I hope doesn't come across in any way, shape, or form as fat shaming or shaming at all. This is just how my brain works, and this is probably the reality of anybody who's been through a major weight loss. A major weight loss could be 40 pounds, 50 pounds, 100 pounds, 200 pounds, 300 pounds. It's it's truly dependent on who you are and what you've been through. Um, but it's a lot to go through physically and emotionally and mentally. Um I think the biggest thing for me recently is we're just gonna dive straight into the topic of body dysmorphia. If you don't know what body dysmorphia is, it's just your brain and your eyes looking into a mirror, don't see what the mirror is reflecting. Um, for instance, like I am now 145 pounds and I wear a size small, but when I look in the mirror, I do still see like a 300-pound girl in 3x clothing. I still have a hard time shopping for myself because I forget the progress that I've made. Um when people compliment me, it's like hard to take it seriously. I it's not that I don't believe them, and I definitely like think of myself in those ways, but it's like I can't even like believe that someone would be saying that to me because I've never heard it before. And it's like crazy how even like the simple things, like how much more often I get complimented, or how men now approach me out in public at random points, and they're asking me to play a game of pool with them versus my like skinny friend who's next to me. Um, like I am now that person. And this is like, I know this doesn't come across the correct way. Um, but we're just gonna keep rolling. But like body dysmorphia is so, so, so real. And it like it'll tear you down quick. And whether you've lost weight or not, I think a lot of people struggle struggle with body dysmorphia. I feel like I get worse body dysmorphia the harder I work or the more progress I've made. If I'm like deeper in the gym and working harder at the gym, I feel like my body dysmorphia is at an all-time high. Um, or like last week I went and had my like pre-op appointment for my plastic surgery I'm having next month. And everyone in the office is like, you're so skinny, you're so tiny, I can't believe it. Like, look at you, you're glowing, you need to be a model. And then they're like measuring my arm, and they're saying, like, you've lost three inches on your arm since October, and like I you just look so amazing. It's like, I don't see it, but I also look at myself and weigh myself every single day. And I hyperanalyze everything about myself every single day. Um, and I have this like deep fear of like ever getting back to that point or gaining. If I gain five pounds, my week is ruined, my month is ruined. I am grinding, grinding, grinding. And it's a horrible, horrible mentality to have. But someone who's lost a lot of weight, any person who's lost weight, I think has this everlasting fear of like letting yourself slip back into that lifestyle, letting yourself slip and gain the weight back because like it's not an easy task. This is not an easy feat. Um, I could I probably am in a small percentage of people who have lost 200 pounds. Um, I wish I should have looked up that statistic, but um it's not easy. And I think that's something to take into account where it's like, I need to give myself grace for like the mental struggles that I have because like with time it will get easier and it will become more normalized because it's still all very, very fresh. Um, but yeah, the body dysmorphia is just it's really, really difficult. It's hard to feel confident when you look in the mirror, and for like the five seconds you're looking in the mirror, you feel great. But in the second you're not looking at yourself anymore, like I still feel like the girl in the 330-pound body. I don't feel like the girl who's now in this 150-pound body. Um, I think when we're going back to scared about slipping back into your old habits, I think that this is where the eating disorders can come from. I don't necessarily think I had an eating disorder before I lost the weight. I think there maybe was like a bit of binge eating, but not to the point of like bulimia. And I definitely didn't have anorexia because I was far from starving myself. But now I think I have I have a healthy relationship with food, but I also have an incredibly unhealthy relationship with food because I think about every single calorie that goes in my body. I'm thinking about everything that's not sugar-free or every crumb of that brownie like I eat, but then I don't have enough self-control to like not eat the brownie, which is like kind of a vicious cycle of I want the brownie, I need the brownie, but now I feel bad about eating the brownie. And then I'm gonna need, I'm gonna need to go on a walk and burn off 400 calories because I ate the brownie. When in reality I've lost so much weight, I can afford to eat a brownie and then enjoy my evening. And I do do plenty of that as well. But it's like the the calorie constant thinking about the calories or um, well, I'm gonna eat this for breakfast so that I can't have this for lunch, or if I do just indulge in whatever I want, then I'm just feel like crap. And I feel like I just like if the scale goes up even a pound, like it's so detrimental to my happiness for the day. And like that is so not a healthy spot to be in. And I think that's what I'm currently working on most is just like getting my mental right because it's okay to gain a pound or two. A lot of it's water weight, a lot of it's stress, some of its inflammation. If I'm on my cycle, or like depending on where I'm at in my cycle, like all of that varies. Like having a 10-pound variant is very healthy and very normal. But I kick myself so, so hard. Like this morning I woke up and I was two pounds heavier than I was yesterday. I didn't eat enough to gain a real, it's not two pounds of fat, it's two pounds of something. It's I maybe I drank a lot of water. Maybe I'm more stressed and I'm retaining um inflammation. Like, I don't know what it could be, but it's like two pounds is literally nothing. Literally nothing. But I I have not stopped thinking about it all day. And I'm just gonna hope that tomorrow when I step on the scale, because I do it every single morning, I'm gonna hope that those two pounds have left. Um, I think that goes into my next point is just like the unhealthy obsession of yourself and your looks and what you're consuming. And then, like I said, I weigh myself every single day at the same time after I pee with no clothes on at this like in the morning. Um, I know some people who weigh themselves two times a day. I was just talking to a friend who weighs herself three times a day. It is so ungodly healthy, unhealthy to be doing that to yourself, but like you can't stop. It's addicting, especially when like at the beginning of my weight loss, when I would weigh myself every day, there would be like a four to five pound like difference within a matter of days. Um, so it gets like addicting because you're like seeing all these results. You're going from 330 to 320 to 300 to 275 to 250. Like you're seeing these like quick, quick, quick, quick decreases. And now that I'm at a healthy, stable weight, it's like I'm not losing really any more weight, like maybe a pound or two a month. Um, but even that, it's like I don't need to weigh myself every day, but I can't stop because I ate a handful of MMs yesterday. So I need to weigh myself the next day just to make sure that handful of MMs didn't somehow make me gain 35 pounds. And that's just like the mentality of what goes on in my brain all the stinking time. Um, and then I think what else sucks is like not seeing the progress that everyone else sees. I think there's moments I feel very proud, very confident, and I'm very aware of the accomplishment that I have acquired. Um, but more often than not, I don't see the progress nearly as often or as much as I should in any capacity. Um, and that sucks because it's like I do want to give myself a pat on the back, but I have a hard time doing that because I'm so consumed with like what I'm eating, what I'm doing. I need to do better, I need to work harder, I need to lift, go, I need to lift in the gym more. I need to have this surgery and this surgery and this surgery so that I can actually feel so confident. But even though it's like I would have dreamed about being where I'm at now two or three years ago. So why am I taking away that feeling by worrying about the next thing, the next thing, the next thing? I'm like, okay, well, I'll like my arms after my surgery, I'll like my boobs after my surgery, I'll like my stomach, or I'll feel more confident in a swimsuit after my stomach surgery. Like, oh no, now I don't like my legs. And it's like, no, like look at the wrinkles, look at the flab, look at the skin, and be proud of it and not ashamed of it because it's truly nothing in any way, shape, or form something to be ashamed of because you did the dang thing. I think one of the biggest areas I struggle in with mental recently is in my weight loss crossed with dating. Um now that might not sound like there would be a lot of issues. You would think, oh, you've lost the weight. You look so good, you must feel so good, you must approach men with more confidence. It must be nice having men approach you with confidence. And I wish that was the case. So, for instance, recently I have been seeing a man and he asked me to bring my swimsuit on a date so we could go dating or go swimming. And I just was like, oh, here we go, here we go. Every single time I've mentioned my weight loss to a man, they I don't get the response of like, wow, that's so great. You look so amazing right now. Like, I'm so proud of you. That's something you should be proud of. Like, how would you do it? Like, you don't get like a reassuring response. You get like a weird, like awkward, clenched up, uncomfortable, like, oh wow, interesting, really. And then, like, immediately my brain goes into panic because it's like, I tell me if this is true. I think when I mention, I never mention specifics. I never say, I used to be 330 pounds and I've lost almost 200 pounds and whatever. Because what I think happens in a man's brain, and this is just me hyperanalyzing, what I think happens in a man's brain is if I were to say I used to be 330 pounds, I picture them picturing me that big, or I think they have some opinion or some judgmental thought on how I got that big, even though it doesn't matter now because I am this small, I think, God forbid, they see a photo of me when I was that big, because then I would assume, and maybe I don't think I would do this. So someone's like, Do you think they do that because you would do that? And I don't think that's true. I just think how they're such visual learners and such visual beings that I think once they see the picture, like I don't look like that anymore. And I think if they were to see that, I think they would see that and then see that on me currently, versus being like, wow, that's what you used to be. You are such a strong, independent woman for being able to get from this to this, you know? But unfortunately, that's like not how it works. So I'm very, very turned off from telling people my story or telling a man specifically my story. Like I was like the guy I was seeing who wanted me to go swimming last week. I was like, okay, I'm gonna tell him the story. I'm just gonna tell them this. I'm gonna tell them my plastic surgery schedule to get things corrected, and then we're just gonna like go on from there. And then I like totally chickened down and didn't say any of it. And it's like, it really shouldn't matter, but like it does matter. And I just think that all goes into like the mental of losing weight. It's just like body dysmorphia and hyperfixating on your food intake and calories. And then, like, what even sucks more is like I catch myself hyperfixating on other people's food intake and calories, and that's so not my business. Um, and then like eating disorders and not seeing the progress and feeling like you can't give yourself a pat on the back because, like, God forbid you had that brownie, and now you don't deserve all the praise of losing all of that weight otherwise, you know. It's like when it comes to men, it's just like I wasn't confident then and I'm still kind of not confident now. And it's like, okay, so when? When will it be? Because I think one of the hardest realities I've learned is when I was at my heaviest weight, I always thought like I'd be having a bad day, especially in high school. I'd be having a bad day. And I'd be like, if I was skinny, I wouldn't have I'd be happy. If I was skinny, I'd be funnier. If I was skinny, I would have more friends, or if I was skinnier, I like I had all those thoughts, and now I'm what I had always wished and hoped I could be. And now I'm still thinking, like, losing weight doesn't make you happier. Maybe it does some. It didn't make me any like routinely happier. Um, losing weight doesn't make you funnier. Losing weight doesn't always make you more confident. Losing weight doesn't mean you have more friends. Um, so it's like it really makes you stop and think about all of what's going on inside. It makes you think about your what's, you know, what's going on up in the head versus what's out here. Cause I think being bigger, it leaves a lot of room for you to blame that on a lot of issues, um, on relationship issues or just day-to-day issues. Like you can just blame it on you being fat, and that's just not the case. Um yeah, I hope this episode doesn't come across as me just being judgmental or shaming. I just like it is just the reality of losing weight, a lot of weight. It's an identity crisis, it's it's a lot to process, and it takes time to process it, and I'm far from fully processing it. And I just think like people need to see that and give yourself grace if you're in a phase of um not loving yourself fully or dealing with body dysmorphia or dealing with an eating disorder or hyperfixating on things, and you just wish like your brain would calm down because girl, me too. I wish my brain would calm down as well. Um, but that's all for today's episode. It's just, it's kind of me more just like rambling. Um, I saw a Facebook video this morning of a lady talking about, you know, the mental side effects of a serious weight loss, and I just made me start to think about like, yeah, there's a lot that goes on, you know, my social media shows me happy go lucky with this newfound confidence and this bad bitch energy and like this, that, and another thing. And like while that's true, sometimes it's not always true all the time. Um but if you're in my boat, pat yourself on the back, give yourself grace. It gets better. You're doing great, you look great, you feel great. Um, and my one piece of advice would just be like when people give you a compliment or people praise you or people awe over your progress, like soak it in and accept it. Don't give an excuse. Don't say, oh, well, like for me, I'm always like, I didn't do anything, I was just a GLP one, which is not true because in my GLP1 episodes, I say over and over and over, it's not just a drug. You have to do so many things. You have to work out, you have to eat clean, you have to drink your water, you have to, you know, like, but then as soon as somebody compliments me, I'm like, oh, it's like it's nothing, it's nothing. Like, don't worry about it. But it's like, it is such a big thing. And like, you did the thing. Um, but yeah, I'm just gonna keep rambling if I don't stop this now. But I hope you enjoyed this week's episode of the deep clean edit, where we deep clean our heart, souls, mind, and environment one week and one episode at a time. See you next time.