EP 46: Anxious vs. Avoidant Attachment Styles with Madi

In today's episode, we are breaking down the real reason you getting stuck in the same dating patterns. Why you chase, why they pull away, and why some connections feel impossible to let go of. From anxious to avoidant, we're getting honest about how your attachment style shapes the way you love, fight, and hold on. Get cozy and tune in for a honest and raw discussion.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Anxious attachment, and there's avoidant attachment. And then there's the combo. Anxious and avoidant. Last but not least. Yeah, the secure. I feel like the last four months of dating or last five months of dating have really like kind of torn me down for the first time ever. But I definitely had childhood trauma. What's going on? Why are you acting the way you are? Like, are you a chaser at all or no? You need to have this, you need to have this, you need to have this. I've made it very clear what I want. I've made it very clear that I'm not happy with their acting. But I do it's no secret that I run a strict program. So yeah. If I just hey y'all, it's Reagan. Welcome back to another episode of Cozy Up with Reagan and Friends. I'm Reagan. I'm Maddie. Oh, that was weird. King Kermit the Frog. I don't even know how you did that. I hope that microphone picked that up. Okay, we're gonna redo it. I feel like it's been a minute since we've recorded. Yeah. At least a month, I think. Here we are. Here we are. Um my surgery went well for anyone who cares or is wondering. Um, I am two weeks post op and things are looking up, looking great, healing fabulously. Um yeah, I would say I had it went much better than expected. Yeah. Yeah. Good stuff. She's prepared with all the things. All the things. Which was like it came in handy for like the first three days. Yeah. I still like use some of the stuff. Yeah. Like my little sleeping pillow and things of that nature. Um, and then besides that, we needed to give y'all a little update on Yanni's backyard wall mural. Yes. I think it's the perfect addition to that little open patch, and it's like right by our pool. So when you're swimming, you can see it in the background. It's so cute. It makes it just look so like cutesy and girly and tight and it adds a little bit of color. Right. Right. I love it. She's adorable. We'll insert a video here and show you guys her masterpiece. Um, real quickly, because I'm drinking this, I just want to give like a uh a reverse shout out to how mu how how disappointed I am. Have you tried this flavor? No, because I saw the video on it and I was like Which video? Somebody else reviewing it? No. Or me reviewing it. That they released, and they like were talk describing the flavors, and I was like, it doesn't sound like something that would be well it's just strawberries, blueberries, and cream. Because berries and cream. But I love wild berry and I love putting like you got something in your eye? Yeah. Can you see it? No. Is it in your eye or on your lash? It's on my lash, and every time I blink it, like is it like a dog hair? Probably. Okay, let me see. Oh, wait, I think I got it. Okay. How do you feel? And I even tried to add like strawberry flavoring or strawberry jam with like a vanilla cream into this. Still disciples. But you shouldn't have to doctor up something that says the two things that you're going for. You know? Yeah. It says if it was just berries and you're like, oh, it needs some cream, that'd be fine. Yeah, like the wild berry poppy is my favorite. Yeah. And the wildberry poppy, gas, so good. And then add like a vanilla cream or just heavy cream to that. Yeah. Fabulous. Because that one you could just say, like, I just need a little cream. Yeah. Anyway, just thought that that was important since that's what I'm drinking. I'm only drinking it because I bought like seven of them at the store. So on the other hand though, the Shirley Temple. Oh, yeah. The Shirley Temple Poppy ones. 10, 12 out of 10. That's so good. They're hard to find. No, that they're a reason. Yeah. Yeah. Um, so I was on a date. This is this is like going into today's episode, so it's not like super random when I say this. But so I was on a date recently. And the guy asked me a question that made me like still think kind of about it because I thought I knew the answer. And this is something that you and I have like briefly like mentioned before, maybe in previous episodes or just like in our like day-to-day conversation. But the guy I was on a date with, he asked me, he said, What is your attachment style in a relationship? And I automatically thought, and no one wants to say this, but like he he asked me, I have to be honest. Like, what am I supposed to say? Secure? Because not most girls aren't gonna say that. Majority of people aren't gonna say secure. Yeah. Um, so I said anxious attachment just because like in the past, that's like always what I've been. And then I started thinking about it more because like I feel like I talk myself, I talk while I'm thinking, you know, so like as I'm speaking, I'm like thinking, and I'm sure the other person on the other side is like, what is going on? But then the longer I was talking, I was like, I might be more avoidant now. I've I feel like I've made a switch just with we'll talk more about it later. And then it started making me think, like, I don't know. Like I'm a mixture of both, I think. Yeah, when we when I studied this in college, we had like a whole um segment on attachment styles. And to this day, I don't think I can narrow myself into one. No. I mean Because it depends on like the relationship with the person, yes, and it depends on circumstances, but with we'll dive in. Yeah, it um it does. And that's like when I was like preparing for today's episode, I was like thinking all thinking about all of that. And I was like, well, for this person, it might be this, but for this person it might be this. But like you do have a general style. Um before we dive too deep in, I think we should just like tell what each style is, just for like the information aspect of this episode. Um, so I'll just start with I probably one of the more common ones, I would say probably the most common, at least with people that we know and love and talk to, would be anxious attachment, which would be the overthinking in a relationship. So I have the traits are needs constant reassurance, reads into everything. For example, he hasn't texted me in so and so amount of time, like he hates me, he doesn't like me, he's over me, blah, blah, blah. Um, and then it's also the habits that form of like falling in and out of love really, really fast, like like falling for the love bombing or being a love bomber, or just like really clap like not clasping on, like latching to any sort of form of reassurance and love that they give you. And then um also being unfortunately being attracted to emotionally unavailable people. Yeah. Which uh usually uh doesn't pair well with an anxious attached person because we'll talk about this later, but that only ups the anxious attachment, you know, cycle. But so that's anxious attachment would be the overthinker. Yep. And then there's avoidant attachment, and that's emotionally on airplane mode. So you're just kind of like, eh. You don't really think about it. You're just kind of aloof. But you pull away when things get real, you value independence a little bit too much, and you hate meaty energy. In your dating life, you can be hot and cold, or you might have ghosting tendencies. Yeah, avoidant attachments unique because it almost comes across like you don't want the relationship at all, which is very But you're just turning it off so you don't have to feel anything. Interesting. Yeah. Um, okay, and then there's the combo combo act. Remix. Yeah. Um, so that's anxious and attached or anxious and avoidant, which just gets messy really fast, and it gets like very confusing and chaotic. So that's this is where I unfortunately feel like I land with a lot of my relationships is you want closeness, but then when it gets too real, then you push it away. Um, you have an internal battle 24-7 about this, that, and another thing. And then it just like gives off the energy of like the come here, JK. I don't actually want you to come here. Or, you know, it's like just like kind of wishy-washy, even though like you don't want to be that way. But it's like, you know, but it it comes across as like, yes, I want it. No, I don't, yes, I want it. Which gets sticky. It gets sticky for everyone. And it's like not that's where mixed signals are really, really tough. Yeah. Yeah. And then last but not least, yeah, the secure. Yay! The magical, mystical, secure attachment that I don't unfortunately think I've experienced for myself. Yeah. That's where you have clear communication. Yeah, you're not playing games to one-up each other or win. Um, you feel calm instead of like worried about every little thing, and you choose consistency. So it's just like you're just rolling, you're good. You're rolling, you're good, and you're like just it's like the ultimate adult relationship. It's like what we all strive for and what yeah, what am I gonna say? Nothing. It's for later. Oh, okay. Um I mean, yeah, I uh I feel like I have moments where I think I'm like secure. And I think we all obviously like hope to be secure. I just think it's hard to be securely attached when it's when the other person is like so severely chaotically one of the other things. Yeah. Um, what before we like dive even deeper, is what right off the bat, which one would you say you relate with the most when you think about it? Well, it's hard because like the deep dive. I don't, I don't never I've never put myself in one sort of category. No. Because like with the relationships that I've formed, and they're fine, I am secure. But I think with new relationships, especially romantic relationships, right away, it's hard not to second guess how they're moving because you don't want to waste time. That was when you were talking like first month of a relationship. Which way do you lean? Would be like I try to be secure and I give off secure, but I uh in my head I'm anxious. But also when you read into every little thing, it just makes you more anxious. It does. But also when you read into every little thing, it's easy to be like, oh, this is the wrong thing. I'm done. And I'm also very easy at being secure, and then something happens and I'm completely avoidant and I'm fine. Yeah. Like once I'm done, it's I'm not like Yeah. Like you almost kind of wish you hung on a little more, or you're not saying that? No, not like hung on a little more, but it's like once I stop thinking about it, it I don't like ruminate over it. No. About what? Like a relationship. Person in general, as people yeah, I guess uh it takes a while to like stop though. I guess I'm not able to do that. Well, once like if there's like things are here, like they're a little bit here, but then if something happens where I'm like, okay, this is no longer like for me, then I'm done. And like I have no feelings towards it anymore. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I guess like if I were to look at you, the last thing I would think you are is anxiously attached. Which is not what is you're not saying you are. I'm just saying that's like totally random, but I was just thinking about that. I'm just saying, yeah, you give off very avoid it or secure. But I would say you give off avoidant in the way of not like almost. Let me let me re-look at what I'm saying. See, that's what I'm saying. I've never put myself in one category. Well, when things get real, I don't think you do that, but I do think you like your independence. I don't think you want any. Well, that's what I'm saying. If something happens where it's like, oh, I realize, or if I have like a realization, like they're too needy, they're not gonna help me do anything in any way. You think you give up too quickly? No. I don't that's hard. It depends on the person. Yeah, I because I think there's pros and cons to being like kind of in it. Yeah and kind of like like I think there's pros and cons to being sortly slightly obsessive, and there's obviously pros and cons to not being that way. I think when you the how you're speaking right now is making me feel like you're just like if you go into it very like if it works out, it works out, which is great. Yeah, but I also feel like sometimes you do need a little zest. No, I do, but that's what I'm saying. Internally I have that. Yeah. Internally I get that feeling, so that's why I'm saying I'll give like secure, even though I am anxious. Yeah, like I think about things over, uh-huh, but I don't like really speak about it or tell the person about it. And then if something happens where, like, you know, I don't know, you know, um, like they say something wrong. Yeah, there's an energy shift or yeah, then I'm like then I'm like, all right. Yeah, immediately immediately done. Yeah. Like you're able to just be like on or oh T and onto the next. I'm a lot better at it now than I was before. Yeah. Because I feel like when you Yeah, when you stay in something longer, then it like doesn't serve you a purpose. Yeah, you know. Yeah, I would say gosh, it like sucks because it's like I'm like a mixture of all of them. Yeah. I think I used to be very, very, very anxiously attached. And like I've recently just made the switch of like, I don't know why, but I feel like the last four months of dating or last five months of dating have really like kind of torn me down for the first time ever. I feel like I've always kind of just like went on a date, maybe got attached, and then things didn't work out, then I moved on, then went on a date, maybe got attached, like moved on. It was a kind of a constant cycle, also a constant cycle of being anxiously attached with these people. But like when things didn't work out, I was like bummed out, and then like I just moved on. Yeah, but I think recently I've just felt like I've gotten closer or I've met people who fit what I've expected more, and then when they don't work out, I've gotten like genuinely bummed out. Because you were a little more like emotionally invested, yeah. Cause I just like really, really saw something, or I really, really got excited about an opportunity that was like present. And it takes like I never really experienced being like genuinely bummed out in the past, right? For some reason, the last like couple people I've dated, I've been like very just down in the dumps about, and it's like kind of changed. Now I'm like, oh, well, like this really sucks. And now I'm kind of changing my heart posture to like I feel like I'm slightly avoidant. I feel like I'm kind of the one who's like not texting as much, and I'm kind of the one who's like not having like the hard combos or not being like as invested. But I think there's pros and cons to both, but mine is definitely shifted. Um, but once again, it's like if that person's secure, I feel like I'm secure, but I also do then think like I am an anxious person. Well, yeah, because I think about one day in a marriage, I don't care. Like the thing, like right now I'd be anxious if I don't get a text for two days. But if I'm in a marriage, you don't have to text me for two days. I'll see you when I get home. We could talk about our day. No, for sure. And it comes on how they communicate well. Like if we're not talking about marriage but more dating, I don't need to text every day. I truly don't. And I'm like the people who need reassurance. It's like I don't need that that often if I know that you're in it. And that's why I think I've shifted because I used to like want to text all day every day. And then I realized that's one, just like exhausting. Yeah. We all have lives. Um, but two, I think that's maybe where avoidant came in a little is coming in a little more, where it's like I don't feel the reassurance need as much. Like I kind of just want to like make plans. Yeah. And then I don't like really need to talk to you that much. No, like it's kind of a lot for me to have to continually talk to you. If we have plans, like I am so excited to see. As long as you're still ready for those plans, then it's like I'm so excited for our date and whatever's to be planned, but throughout the week, like I'm good. Yeah. For real. Um okay. I think we did like the background of like by definition what these attachment styles are. Um, so I think we should also just quickly do a background of like where do they come from and where do they develop? You said you study this a bit in school. Oh, yeah, a lot. It was one of it was a one of the chapters in like our um development classes, and then we did a lot of it in like human relation classes and stuff like that, because it really does come down to like how people interact with each other. And that was like the basis of my whole degree and development. Yeah. But the main part where you develop your attachment style is like up until two to three years. What do you mean? Like when you are born, okay, and then you get to like three years, those are such formative years where you learn how to interact and be with people that a lot of times if like kids have gone through something traumatic, like it takes a lot of work to change that. Yeah. That makes sense. Cause I so it goes down to like early childhood, which when I think I've tried to study my my attachment style too, because it's like it's not a cute thing to have anything but secure, you know, it's not ideal. Um, so I think I've gone down the rabbit hole of trying to figure out why. And it always does kind of come down to like early childhood. And like even if we had, like, I had a set of two loving parents who are still, you know, in love and whatever, and like a very good home, but I definitely had childhood trauma. And when you think about it in the pinpoint things, you're like, oh, that makes sense why that's like that, why that's like that, why that's like that. Like I was I had to throw up it more like faster than I would have liked to in a couple ways, or I was hyperanalyzing this, so now I hyperanalyze this, or I was acting like this when I was young, so now I do this in my relationships. And it's like no, it all makes sense when you kind of think about your childhood and like why you have patterns and things today, but the attachment styles are one of the things that you form when you're young and you have no control over it. You only have control how you have them as an adult. And they are changeable, like they are, but it takes a lot of work. It's like, I mean, yeah, that's anything because it's all up in here. So it's just like any sort of mental illness or anything of the sort, it's all like it, it's possible, but it's really, really, really, really hard. Um, when I was doing research of like where it comes from, like those three like quick bullet points, it said that if when you were younger, if we're doing early childhood development type of thing, it's when if when you were younger, if your needs were constantly met, you're more likely to be securely attached. Yep. Um if love was inconsistent, then that's when anxious attachment comes. And then if your emotions were dismissed or ignored, then that's where avoidant comes. And those sounds so like simple and so like, well, duh. But also it's like that does make a lot of sense because if I feel like I lean more towards anxiously attached, it's saying that like attention was inconsistent. I wouldn't say totally inconsistent, but like I think when you just do the very broad topic of that, I think it kind of makes sense. Like my feelings definitely weren't dismissed, but I could see why that would be for a lot of people too, especially men. I feel like a lot of men lean avoidant and a lot of women lean anxious, and I feel like men definitely probably have their feelings dismissed for yeah. There's some sort of push and pull with it being inconsistent, and then you just kind of keep always pulling for more, and that's where you overthink and get anxious about it. Yeah. Cause then it's like it's it's so tough to be with a person who's avoidant when you're anxious, because that's just like not gonna work. Like, I don't know like how in any world that that really works long term, unless you both both have to compromise in some sort of way and like be open about it and be like, okay, well, what's going on? Why are you acting the way you are? And then yeah, and that's the only way. And they have to be willing to like hear you, see you, and then want to get help, just like you would have to do with them, and then meet somewhere in the middle. Um, I think it's also this is kind of what I was thinking about earlier, where it's like it develops as early child child, like early childhood or young children. Yep. But then it goes into like relationships as the adult, which is where even like it solidifies, solidifies, solidifies, solidifies. I feel like my anxious attachment for a while has gotten worse after like worse and worse and worse and worse after bad relationship after bad relationship after bad relationship of people being like slimy, sneaky, not like lying. Because then you're just like waiting for it to happen. You're like looking for the first sign of it happening. Or it's just like even like just being disappointed after disappointment after disappointment, it's like it just slowly starts to wear you down. And like that's where you need more reassurance, more reassurance, more reassurance. But then you find a new person, you're like, oh, there it is. Yes. I was I was just waiting. I was just waiting for the person who knows me and understands me. Still waiting, but I know it's out there. And I think I can't expect someone to No, I was saying, oh, there it is. When you see like they pull away as an avoidant and you're in attachment, you're like, oh like I see it now. Yeah, more what what probably sooner than I would have seen it before had I not had past experience with it. Yes. And what is your I mean, I guess if you're not qualif if you're not putting yourself as anxiously attached. No, what would um what do you think one should do? Like what would you do in those situations? Like it's hard for me to ask you that question because you I wouldn't say you categorize as anxiously attached, but I think we all have tendencies. But have you been in a situation where I think we all maybe have where we're we're invested and then the guy's now like I don't really know. Like, are you a chaser at all? Or no? Like you were absolutely not going to, like, you wouldn't be caught dead chasing. No. In any capacity. No. That's fair. Ever? No, because I tell you this much what if things physically if someone is avoidant and completely loses me, and like we are done communicating, I am willing to bet so much that they will come back and text me in two weeks, yeah, in six months, and they will say, Man, I treated you wrong. I'm so sorry you didn't deserve that. You're such a great person, you're so beautiful. Six months later, because then if I'm chasing and chasing and chasing, why? I'll just sit here and wait for your apology for the way you acted. Yeah, I'm not much of a chaser, but I am like a Bit of a like giver of a lot of chances for a while. Um, which I've tried. I'm just like well, no, for sure. You want to see the good in people, and we know that men are not exactly emotionally intelligent a lot of times with like with like, okay, they're not gonna remember your dog's birthday. Yeah, you know, or it's like they didn't know, don't expect a good morning text. She's like, they don't want to do it, they shouldn't have to do it. She's like, don't expect if they do it, that's great, but she's like, they don't want to, right? You know, and it's like sometimes you have to hold a guy's hand and be like, I like when you plan dates. Yeah, it makes me feel good, it makes me feel like you're in best. So hard for me to do. But other times, if you've already voiced that that is like a thing that you like and they continue to not do it, I'm not gonna say it over and over and over again. No, that isn't. That's what I'm saying. I give chances, yeah, but I communicate how I'm feeling, and then if it keeps being an issue, then you're not hearing me. Yeah, and you're choosing not to change. Yeah. Yeah, it's like hard. It's a hard balance to figure out of chances or just like coaching almost. I don't know if I'm giving like, yeah, chances or if I'm just giving guidance. When I first started at my school, it was funny because the principal was like, or the director was like, Yeah, and I'm married to my wife and she runs this program that's like an umbrella of our school. He said, Oh, she ABA therapied me into a relationship. Oh. And I was like, that's funny. And then ABA therapy is just like, you don't give any attention to anything negative, but you give a lot of attention to positive things. Okay, so how would that work in like a relationship? I think he was just joking, but he was like, Oh, she would get like super, super excited when I would like buy her flowers or something, and then like if I didn't say anything or if I didn't do anything, then she just would ignore me. No, but I feel like I know like you said he's just joking, but now I'm like thinking about that, and that could like literally be a thing. Where you're right, it's like don't give any sort of reaction to anything negative, just move on and act like you're like, oh, you didn't notice you didn't do that. Or but like the thing is you still like vocalize, like, I didn't like that. Okay, and then you can't be psycho and be like, you you said this and you said that, like, and like really dive in and write out paragraphs, but it's like uh I didn't like when you did that. You can choose to change or you can't, yeah. But I really liked when you did this, yeah. Which is just funny because it then that goes into like mind games and stuff, and but you know. Do you this is like maybe like totally not on the subject at all, but now I'm just thinking about it. Do you feel like you communicate well? Do you feel like you've had to have like hard communication in any Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I feel like even off the bat, now that I know how to communicate things that I don't want from the beginning, I'm not like sitting down like, you need to have this, you need to have this, you need to have this, like, but when the moment arises, I feel like I make it very, very clear, like, oh, I think we should do this, that, or the other thing, and I expect this from you, or like, yeah. And because like I said, once I communicate something, either they choose to hear me and change it, or they don't. And then that's when it's like done for me, is if they if they don't. And then, okay, then this leads me to the question of say you get to the point of they don't, you're done. Are you having a proper adult conversation about the done part? No. Okay. I was like, I feel like you've been like good, good, good, good, good, but I know you don't have a proper exit conversation. No, yes, and that's where I think the avoidant, oops, that's where the avoidant comes in because the last thing on the avoidant is ghosting tendencies, and you're not a ghoster. No, but you have. But I've made it very clear what I want and made it very clear that I'm not happy with how you're acting. But I do still think there has to be a convo or a text. It can't just be like a fizzle goodbye, never see you again. Can be though. I feel like I've gotten, I really, really appreciate when people give me like an exit text or an exit conversation. Usually a text and a text is all we need, it's fine. So I've tried to be very, very like clear when I am doing an exit text. Like when it's actually like done and over with, and I'm finally like given enough chances or given it all my all. Yeah. I do just let the person know. I could be better at that, but I it reaches a point, you know. Yeah. Where it's like, you know, I I'm such a firm believer in like you gotta, you got to. I'm like, you know, I'm done. You know I said what I didn't like. You knew you didn't do these things, and now it's like, yeah, what did you expect? Yeah. Like really, I don't know. Like, take a look at your own actions. I don't know. Yeah. I I mean I can see both ways. And if you've had like a hard congo of like, hey, buddy, like this is your last straw. But I still feel but it's also tough, it's not like you're like dating these people most of the time. It's maybe like still. If it was like a if it was like a relationship and then I had decided like it's done, I'd be like, gotta be done. Hey, babe. Gotta be done. Hey, babe. That's it. But if it's we're in the talking stage and like I don't like things are already not working out, then I feel like I don't need to tell you. Again, I've already voiced like, hey, I'm gonna hold your hand when I say this. Yeah, I appreciate when you plan dates. Yeah, I appreciate when you put effort in. Yeah, I like yeah, I appreciate consistency. I don't like when you did this or this. Maybe we could work on that. And then it repeatedly happens. I think you can kind of catch the hint. Yeah. No, for sure, for sure. That I don't put up with that. I also, you know, it's like it's no secret that I run a strict program. So yeah, if I just don't talk one day and be like, oh well, yeah, there she goes. You are you and I very employees. Elite. No. Um, you and I vary heavily when it comes to dating, and we we don't like talk about it enough or like see it in enough detail. I just know like our just off like rip, our brains work very, very differently, and just our lifestyles are very different. So, like the amount of time we have or the things we can do or like that varies very greatly. Um I have no idea where I was going with saying that. I like totally lost my everything in my head just went away. Um you are you are I have no idea, not a clue. But I'll just change this. I think you are great at communicating. Well, I know that's what you said, but yeah, that's not what I was going to say.

unknown 28:22

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 28:22

I think you're good at communicating, and I think you do mean business. I think okay, what what's something to kind of wrap up today's episode? I think we're both have grown a lot. I think we're both very good at a lot of things when it comes to dating, and I think like it's both mean business. It's about like intentional effort though, too, when you're do dealing with an attachment style, because I feel like when you're aware of it, then you can be more aware of it and put off something different. Because, like I said, I'm anxious, but they don't know that. Yeah, you know, yeah. Okay, so what is something you would want to work on for yourselves? Like whether you can identify exactly your attachment style or not, what's something in a relationship aspect besides like maybe like not setting an exit text would be something you'd want to work on, or something you just catch yourself being like, Oh, I could improve on that. Cause I know like you're always trying to make time when you're like, Well, the exit text, that really is something that I could work on, but I don't want that to be something I could work on repeatedly. No, like I'm I'm fine if I'm never good at the exit text. Yeah, like that's fine, but I don't know. I communicate like where I'm at, what I'm doing a lot. I make time or you see something like off put. I'm very like thankful when like the bill gets picked up or they do put in the effort. It's very important. I also like verbally reassure, like, oh, you look so handsome with your haircut, or oh, that shirt looks really nice on you. Like, I feel like even those little things, like I'm good about saying. Um like what I don't know if if you would have something, if you know something, if you don't, then you don't. You're perfect. I don't know anything. Yeah, nothing. I don't know anything. So you're 10 out of 10 per card. I don't think well, it's like it's hard to think of it on the spot too, but I do think you're very like a well-rounded individual and you're smart with a good head on your shoulder. So I don't think there's anything. I don't I haven't gotten to the point of like actually getting legit mad with somebody that I've been like dating, but I know that I would be a raging bitch. You think? Yeah. Like what do you think would take you off? I know that's like a very broad question, but what do you mean? I don't like what would make you really angry. If like we agree to plans and then all of a sudden you're busy, even though I've reminded you multiple times that we have these certain plans or say this happened at times. Yeah, or like, oh my parents are in town, let's go get dinner with them. Oh, sorry, oh my gosh, I forgot I had this like many times, and I'd be like, What is your problem? Yeah, or like you're a grown adult. Figure it out, figure it out, yeah. No, I could just stuff like that. Yeah, like them just not being a good one. Like, I haven't gotten to the point where I have the right to be mad at a man in that way. But I know that when I do get to that point, oh yeah, he might be calling you to be like, what? Um no, that's valid. Um, I would say my biggest thing, even and then there's one more what time is that? I was like, then there's one more question I kinda wanna ask because I thought of it earlier. But I would say I heard you mention something about like you're very good at like kind of giving them reassurance. I think, or like saying, like, yeah, like exactly what I just said, giving them reassurance. And I don't think I'm good at that at all. I say at all. I think I do say thank you for them picking up the bell always. I say thank you when they open my door, always. I'm not like a complimentary gal, and I know guys really do enjoy that deep down. Yeah, it does make them feel very good because they don't get it as often as women do. And I like I brush off a compliment really quickly as well. Like, I don't accept it in so well. That goes into like love languages, yes, and that was my next question. I know we've talked about this. We you, me and Jay had a whole episode on it. But remind me of like how do you what's your favorite? We'll we'll keep it brief because we've talked about this. Go check out our love language episode. What's your favorite way to give love and how do you like to receive love? Well, maybe don't go check out the episode because I don't remember what I said. I don't either. Mine can be totally different. It might have grown. You can still go watch it, go check it out. It's probably a good one. Um giving is like the acts of service. Oh, yes. See, that's I like to do things that make people make their lives easier. Um I think that's how you like to receive too, yeah. I think that's probably. Because like when people do stuff that makes my life easier, I'm like, you thought about me and did something like some random. He filled my car up with gas. You saved me five minutes at the gas station and money. Yeah, and money. Yeah. And it's just like you are you have a busy chaotic life with your job, and literally anything can make a difference. Yeah. It's like, huh. It's like, wow. And it's just like not only does that make your life easier, but it's like the thought of them thinking about you while doing it. Like, how can I help her? Yes. I love that. Um, my favorite way to give gloves would definitely unf it's like such an odd thing. I would love to speak or listen to a podcast about this, but I think mine definitely is like gift giving. Yeah. Well, you like seeing people happy with things that like you thought of. Yes. I just it sounds so superficial and it sounds so like not substantial when I say that. But it can be in so many ways than just like a physical gift. Yeah. And we talked about this in the episode where it's like, I love like my new thing is like I want experiences. Right. So it's like well, that's like with our Christmas gifts. I was like, Yeah, we need like we all have it's not like we're all homeless and we need food, and like what like we all have jewelry and candles and up the yin yang. Like, nobody needs a million more of those things. Yeah, and like we all like we're so it's like when you've been married for 30 years, and it's like what do you get each other like a dishwasher, you know? But it's like you, me and Jay have been friends for a while, and it's like we don't need to physically buy each other much, but I do like experiences. So I would I love gift giving. Um, and that's how I show my love to people. How I like to receive love would probably be words of affirmation, which is the thing I think I'm worst at as well. But I think words of affirmation doesn't need to be like you're so beautiful, you're so this, you're so that. I just think it's like it reassures me. Yeah. Um, I like hearing. Like on a consistent basis, or just like a what do you mean? Like a frequent basis? Not constant, but I think that's how I feel reassured the most. Yeah, because I think that's where we're different, is I get a little like no, but I don't want the compliments. I'm not talking about compliments, I'm talking more, I guess is that what words of affirmation is? Kind of. I mean, it can be like a compliment, or it can be like, you're so smart, or like you're so creative. Thank you for this, or thank you. Like, I don't want it. It's not like I want everything coming out of their mouth to be like, you're the best ever at this. I just think words of affirmation would be like, I love when you do this, or I love that you do that, or I think it's amazing that you do that, or I love your giving heart, or I love it. It is sounds like also sounds horrible. I sound like such a horrible person. I'm like, I like gifts and I like to be complimented. But I think that is true. Like, I just think it's reassuring to hear, even like once a day, like, oh, you cook that chicken so good. We both know we don't cook chicken well. No, we don't, but you know, that's like a words of affirmation. It's like they're just like complimenting something. Something, yeah. Or just being like obsessed peanut butter and jelly, you know. But that's what I mean. It doesn't have to be like you're so the best ever at this, or you're so just like constantly, no, I don't want that. I get uncomfy. You know, I don't know what to do even when a man calls me pretty. I'm like, he and then I like move on, like the weather's nice, and it's like horrible, but I still like to hear it. Yeah. I've been trying to get better at giving men compliments and I just like make it a joke. Live chat because what do you compliment for a man besides handsome? Handsome, that shirt looks sharp. Do you say that to a man our age? Sometimes you you show up to a date and you're like, man, that shirt. Okay, no, no, okay. I've never used the actual word. You're like a real shipper and that sharp. That's what I'm asking. But I'm saying, like, what do you actually say to a man? Because all I feel like it can say is handsome. Well, if it's like a joke and it's like a you're joking around, then like also. Yeah, but like I want to be serious. Like I say, they can say, like, wow, you're gorgeous, you're beautiful, you look lovely, you're so pretty. And those are all like very easy to do. A nice compliment to give a man is that you feel safe with him. Yeah, but I'm not gonna like say that like when I like approach him on the second date. Well, no. But if he like I approach a man and he's like, wow, you look beautiful. Like, thank you. Such an easy compliment. What's an easy compliment for a man? Like, I'm genuinely asking, yeah, I guess. Because I go, Oh wow, you look nice. Which like so is valid. It's like so okay. Is there another one? Because I don't like the word handsome in person unless it's like I am kind of joking, but like serious, like, oh wow, like you know, I don't know. This is something I struggle with often. So I feel like men have a really easy time complimenting women, and I feel like it's not weird to compliment a woman, and there's a lot of things you can compliment her on, but maybe that's where it's you're right where you have to get specific, like, oh, your shirt looks really good. I like the color of the shirt, and I'll probably remember that forever. Hopefully, oh, Reagan really like this shirt. Yeah. Anyway, a nice haircut. Yeah, if they got one, or like if you're like me and you get a little goofy sometimes, you start barking. Oh, you do not bark. Not I would love to see barking. Um, well, I think that's a great place to wrap up the episode now that Maddie's talking about barking. Yeah. Um, but I think that's Bark Like You Want It. What song is that? I think it's called Bark Like You Want It. Okay, just be serious for four seconds. Um, I think that that was a great episode. I think we had a good convo. I think everyone should think about their attachment style, and I think it's something to definitely be like looked in. And there's a lot of really good podcasts out there about attachment styles. I've listened to a lot of them. Yeah. Um, and there's always something to learn for everyone. Even if you think you have it all figured out, you probably don't. If you do, congrats. You are like so awesome. Elite employee. Literally the elite employee, and I'm so jealous. Um, and you should start a podcast and tell us how you did it. But um, yeah, that's it for this week. I had a lovely time. Cheers. Cheers. I will see you guys again next week, and um yeah, that's about it. Bye. Bye bye.